I am the MIL. My
son married his wife 65 days before my husband was killed in an
automobile accident. Before his death, the relationship seemed
to be good. Afterwards, it began to sour. I would like
to know if you think that the new family configuration is causing
the hostility. Does my DIL of 1 1/2 years feel threatened
by my not having a husband? The bond between my son and myself
has always been strong. Help, please! He no longer feels
he can visit me because his wife feels too stressed and uncomfortable
to spend time with me. Previously (before my husband died),
I had spent a lot of time with my DIL, my husband and my son.
Now, it is only I who spends time with him. We have a lot
in common. We share similar careers. I do so want to
make this situation better.
Signed - Is The New Family
Configuration Causing The Hostility?
RESPONSE: Is The New Family Configuration Causing The
Hostility?
I would call your DIL up and make plans to spend one-on-one time
with just her. Ask her questions about her life, and listen
to her. Don't criticize or make suggestions - just listen.
Once your relationship with her is better, then you can have your
relationship with your son and DIL again. The more attention
you pay to her, the more she will feel that you like her too (not
just her husband).
RESPONSE: Is The New Family Configuration Causing The
Hostility?
You could be a bit more careful when interacting with your son and
DIL. Try to befriend your DIL some more. Find something
to praise every time you see her. Offer to help with things,
but do not insist too much. Ask her opinion. Try to
form a bond with her. Naturally, your bond with your son is
very strong. Think about all that you have done for him over
the years. If you spend even a fraction of that goodwill and
energy on your daughter-in-law, you will be rewarded. But,
if you do not have a a good rapport with your DIL, she might feel
like the third wheel when you interact with them. If you know
of any friction between them, either stay out of it or take your
DIL's side. Meanwhile, spend some time with your own friends,
and develop your own social life - independent of them.
RESPONSE: Is The New Family Configuration Causing The
Hostility?
You may just want to come out and ask your DIL what's wrong.
Or, ask her in a letter. Don't bother writing/saying what
you think, but focus on her needs (listen). Don't use your
son as the go-between. I'm sure he'd appreciate that.
Your DIL may feel that you are monopolizing your son. How
much time do you spend with him? It is obvious that your DIL
is not happy. Sometimes, a DIL just wants to feel like she
has control over her home life. Who comes over? Do they
call first? Does it throw their routine out of whack?
Does she feel like she can say no and not be hated, etc. It's
nice for a DIL to feel that she has a say that will be respected
and followed. I'm sure your DIL would love to have a healthy
relationship with you. I wish I had that with my MIL, but
she doesn't listen to me, and disregards my requests. Don't
you think that the woman of any household is the real cornerstone
of it? She does the cooking, cleaning, shopping, decorating,
etc. She should have equal say in who enters and how time
is spent. Whatever you decide to do, do it soon, before too
much resentment builds up. Another thought - maybe her behavior
has nothing to do with you. Maybe she's having a problem with
one of her relatives. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Is The New Family Configuration Causing The
Hostility?
I am sure you have great relationship with your son and his wife.
I am sure she likes you as much as you like her. But, please
don't be like my MIL. She is a nice person, but I was raised
differently from the way she raised her child. My husband
is an only child, and his mom is divorced. She believes it
is perfectly ok to invite herself along on our vacations, etc.
If we mention anything to her, there she is with us. It gets
really old. I am sorry that her marriage did not work out,
just as I am sorry that you lost your husband. But, please
allow them to have their own life, and include you where they can.
Due to this problem, my husband and I are now in family counseling
(because he does not want to hurt her feelings). So, the only
person hurting is me. Good luck with your new family member.
RESPONSE: Is The New Family Configuration Causing The
Hostility?
I am so sorry for your loss. It must have been quite a shock
to you. Do you think that maybe you have been leaning on your
son a lot and your DIL feels pushed aside? Or, have you been
expecting (even subconsciously) your son to take over for his father
as far as being there for you? I think you should try to talk
to your DIL about what is going on, and see what she says.
It seems like it hasn't been too long since your DH died, and it
would be understandable if you are depending on your son.
However, you have to realize that he has a wife now, and his first
responsibility is to her and the marriage. Do you have friends
to whom you could look for support? Or, maybe you could join
a support group for widows. Your bond with your son will always
be there, but the bond he has with his wife must be stronger if
they are to succeed in marriage (and, one day have a family of their
own). I'm sure you understand that, having had your own husband
and children. I hope you are able to work this out.
Best wishes to you.
RESPONSE: Is The New Family Configuration Causing The
Hostility?
You are probably going through a hard time due to the loss of your
husband. It must be difficult. However, you must realize
that your son is a married man, and his priority is his wife.
The distance might be because they are married, and not necessarily
because of the tragic accident. Your DIL was just married.
She needs to spend time with your son to build a solid relationship.
RESPONSE: Is The New Family Configuration Causing The
Hostility?
This is just a thought, but have you been increasingly needy of
your son's time? This may pose a problem, and it may seem
like you are commandeering their time.
RESPONSE: Is The New Family Configuration Causing The
Hostility?
You don't sound bad at all. Your DIL might be shy, and just
not as used to you as your son is. Some people need a lot
of privacy, and being "in-laws" throws people into a situation
of instant intimacy. Don't assume she is dysfunctional because
she does not want to spend a lot of time with you. Your son
can feel at home when he's visiting you, but your DIL might feel
she has to muster up her company manners, which is always a lot
more work. Just respect her - respect her privacy and respect
her relationship with your son (which is now his primary relationship).
I think he was a bit disloyal to her to describe her to you the
way he did. That sounds like a confidential thing. I
hope he learns that. I feel stressed around my in-laws too.
But, my husband is wonderful about it, and I encourage him to go
and visit them often, even though I don't go with him. They
aren't bad people, either. I'm a shy person, and while he
can be comfortable and "himself" with his own parents,
I have to be on my best behavior. It's hard work for me to
visit them (can your DIL REALLY trust you to like (and more importantly),
accept, and RESPECT her exactly the way she is?).
RESPONSE: Is The New Family Configuration Causing The
Hostility?
It would depend if you/your son have changed since the accident
- check this list with honesty. Do you live with them for
any period, or phone/email them several times a day? Do you
interfere and try to control them/their actions? Do you like
to push your personal opinions on them constantly? Do you
tend to ignore your DIL when all three of you are around (e.g.,
during conversations or on outings together)? Do you tend
to say negative things about your DIL to your son/others, even if
it is in private. Do you think of your son as a substitute
spouse, and lean on him excessively for advice, help, etc., since
your husband died? Does your son tend to want to do everything
for you, and in the process, neglect his wife and family?
My MIL and DH have been doing all that ever since my MIL's husband
died. She refuses to get a life, or friends of her own.
On top of that, she wants to control everything - my husband, baby,
household, home-helpers, food, etc., and, she acts like she is going
on a date with her son, even if they go out for a short errand.
She wakes up early, dresses and applies make-up like she is going
to some grand function. She even holds his arm as they walk,
and claims her leg is hurting and that she is having difficulty
walking. What is worse, my DH is not her only child.
She has four others, but she chooses to "grace" herself
with us all the time, knowing my DH is so soft he will give in to
her requests all the time, at the expense of our marriage.
You can bet any of this can turn your DIL's attitude against you.
Forever. Please, get a life of your own (and friends).
Please don't live your life vicariously through them. You
had your husband and marriage/family. Let your DIL have hers.
After all, if she loves and cares about your son, that's what should
matter most (if you had a choice of DILs). You can trust that
he won't forget you, even though he has a wife now. But, if
you won't let him "forget" you, DIL will continue to resent
you for taking her husband away (and her married life). And,
if you do go too far, one day when your own son sees through your
actions, he will also come to resent you. On behalf of all
DILs, I hope and wish all interfering MILs can read this and realize
that. Trust that we love your sons, and would not harm them.
So, please, let these little families have a life of their own,
as they should have.
RESPONSE: Is The New Family Configuration Causing The
Hostility?
If you REALLY care about your DIL, ask her FLAT out what it is about
YOU that makes her feel uncomfortable when she visits. Sorry,
but the plain truth is that YOU must be doing SOMETHING to make
her feel uncomfortable. Be prepared to hear it, and then THINK
about it. And most importantly, DO SOMETHING about it.
If you REALLY want her in your life, you need to be prepared to
LISTEN to what she needs from YOU. Most MIL's want to "rule
the world", and I hope you aren't one of them. Sorry
to hear about your husband's death. I feel very badly for
you.
RESPONSE: Is The New Family Configuration Causing The
Hostility?
Look at it from this point of view - don't think of your son as
your baby boy, but as an adult male. Now, think of trying
to be friends with another woman's "adult male" husband,
without being friends with her. That would threaten me too
- mother or no mother status. I think what most MIL's don't
understand is that their son is now an adult. They still see
him as their little boy. Or, they see the wife as not very
important in their son's life, and they don't think that they need
to have a relationship with her too. Remember, your son picked
his wife - he didn't pick you. If you really love him, treat
his choice with the respect she deserves.
RESPONSE: Is The New Family Configuration Causing The
Hostility?
If you genuinely care, which it sounds like you do, you might sit
down together and ask her what it is that is making her feel uncomfortable.
You need to be willing to not be defensive, but try to understand
why she may feel threatened by you and your son's relationship.
And, the bottom line is that, once they marry, their marriage is
their first priority. So, it is important to let her know
that you respect that, and never want to come between that.
It may not be just you giving her signals that make her feel threatened,
but your son, her husband, may possibly be showing signs of feeling
more connected to you than to her. The many different things
you and your son share in common may make her feel like an outsider.
I have a son, and I know that someday, when he marries, I will need
his wife to know that if it takes me stepping out of the picture
for her to feel secure, I will have to do that (for she will be
first in his life then). Maybe some space will give them time
to strengthen in their security as a couple, and then you three
can slowly build back into a healthy situation for all. It
sounds like you really care about your DIL, and, because you love
them both, it may mean stepping back for a while. I know that
will be hard at this time of grief already. Just know that
this could save the relationship, in the long run, for all three
of you. I am deeply sorry about your husband, and I hope you
have some friends to support you during this time. God bless.
My MIL is a very nice
person. However, we are having a recurring problem.
My husband is the oldest of 2 children. DH's sister lives
about 5 hours away from my MIL, while we live about 10 minutes away.
My MIL is continuously asking for money. She does work.
She does not make a ton of money, and she is a very bad money manager.
She is always calling and crying to my husband (she asked for several
hundred one time - and she told us she would pay it back a couple
months later when she got an extra paycheck). However, that
has come and gone. Recently, she called again. This
time she only asked for $20.00 to go to some dinner. We gave
it to her. My problems are his sister (my MIL's daughter),
and her husband They probably make more money than we do,
but she never asks them for money. It isn't just that she
doesn't make enough money, she also spends it poorly. It is
starting to really bother me, and I'm getting extremely annoyed
by her. I have said to my husband that he needs to talk to
her. However, I think he feels rather uncomfortable doing
it. I feel that both of her children should have to help,
and she needs to ask her daughter also. We have tried paying
one of her bills (shared cost by both us and my SIL), thinking that
she could get caught up. However, she just takes the extra
money that she would otherwise have, and spends it stupidly.
I feel like an awful person feeling this way, but I am sick of it.
Please give me whatever advice you can. Thank you.
Signed - Confused About
Money
RESPONSE: Confused About Money
You are not helping your MIL by continuously giving her money when
he asks for it. It would be different if she just couldn't
make ends meet because her bills were getting the best of her.
For her to constantly be in dire financial straits because she "spends
money stupidly" is ridiculous, and she will continue to do
so until you put an end to the handouts. The solution is not
for your SIL to kick in, but to let your MIL stand on her own two
feet financially. Sorry to sound harsh, but the only person
you should be annoyed with is yourself. You can put a stop
to it.
RESPONSE: Confused About Money
Sorry to say this, but your problem is not with SIL and her H.
It's with MIL. More to the point, you, DH, and MIL.
You and DH need to sit down with MIL and tell her how you feel.
Tell her you will help her set up a budget that she can live with.
If she doesn't make enough money, tell her to move to a smaller
house, or get a cheaper car. But, let her know that you will
no longer be supporting her. You have your own family to take
care of. If you don't do it now, you and DH will be giving
this woman money for the rest of her life. Be strong.
RESPONSE: Confused About Money
Three pieces of advice: 1) Find out why she won't ask her
daughter for $ (i.e., if your SIL is a tough customer, maybe you
need to imitate that, because it sounds like your MIL thinks you
are an easy mark). 2) Never give her cash again. Always
offer to pay a bill, but demand she give you the bill so you can
send the money directly to the creditor. 3) Make an
appointment for her at a nonprofit credit counseling service, and
tell her that you will contribute towards bills they suggest, but
nothing else. Want to bet she is so embarrassed by this that
she never asks for money again? Good luck.
RESPONSE: Confused About Money
Until you learn to say no, the situation will only get worse.
Maybe you should use more discretion when choosing whether or not
to give money. It is reasonable to say no to a request for
money to go to a dinner. However, you may want to help out
your MIL if she can't pay her heating bill in the dead of winter.
In any case, if you are helping out, you should be able to suggest
that she receive some type of help with managing her money, such
as attending credit counseling classes. Also, your SIL should
help as well. What does your DH think about asking for her
help?
RESPONSE: Confused About Money
I have a MIL who is close to doing this to us. Here is how
we are handling it: We put ourselves on a really strict budget,
and pretty much everything is allocated somewhere each month.
We told MIL about our strict budget, and the reason for it (we are
saving to have a baby - and so that I don't have to work).
And, she knows that we are very tight right now. Knowing this,
she has yet to ask for any money from us. I believe that if
people know that there are boundaries, they will work within them.
I think you need to set some boundaries with your MIL, and she will
adapt to them. I'm sure she will survive, or find another
money source.
RESPONSE: Confused About Money
I would NEVER give your MIL money again. A dinner is not an
emergency. MIL probably asks you because you guys give in!
SIL says no, so MIL goes where she knows she'll get it! MIL
has probably hit up all her friends, too! Don't be mad at
SIL because you guys are the suckers. I can not believe that
you do this! Your DH better get on the ball and tell her,
"No." You are only hurting yourselves, and MIL doesn't
think very much of you if she treats you like this. The fact
that she doesn't pay you back is downright disrespectful and uncaring.
If DH doesn't tell her, then you NEED to. Or just open all
your own accounts, and when DH tries to dole out free money again,
he can honestly say he doesn't have any. Stop being so dumb!
If she doesn't like it, then it will be very clear that she doesn't
like you - she only likes your money.
RESPONSE: Confused About Money
Your MIL knows exactly what she is doing! It's called "having
your cake and eating it too"! You need to take a direct
approach and tell her, "No," when she asks for money,
and don't offer an explanation. If she has the nerve to ask
why, say "no," and tell her the truth. The truth
is that your household needs the money too, and she should take
a second job if she is hurting that badly, or wants those little
extras (and, that you and DH don't feel the need to be a personal
banker anymore since the money isn't always repaid). By rubbing
in the fact that the outstanding balance is still hanging out there,
(you know she isn't going to pay it back!), she should feel awful.
She probably will put up a big act that she forgot about it, and
that's OK too. Use that as a another point to stop loaning
out money, since we all know it doesn't grow on trees! Good
luck!
RESPONSE: Confused About Money
OK. You think your MIL is a NICE PERSON. She IS NOT
A NICE PERSON!!! NICE PEOPLE AREN'T LEACHES!!! She is
a leach, and she will keep asking you for money if you keep giving
it. The next time she asks you for money, tell her you need
some of the money BACK that you already lent her. Ask HER
for money!!!! Ask her for money next time before she asks
YOU!!! And hey, how are you going to feel when YOU ASK HER
FOR MONEY? Awkward? So, WOULD YOU be able to comfortably
PUT SOMEONE IN THAT POSITION REPEATEDLY?????? Think about
it!!! Be true to YOURSELF, and don't worry about hurting anyone
else's feelings - especially those of someone who is leaching from
you!!!!! Put an end to it before she MOVES IN!!!!!!!!
RESPONSE: Confused About Money
You are not an awful person! Wow, I don't think I would deal
with this situation very well if I were you. She is definitely
taking advantage of you guys, and you should stop giving her money.
If your husband does not do anything - it's time for you to do something
about it!
RESPONSE: Confused About Money
I sympathize, but people have different spending habits. You
and your DH have the right to tell your MIL - without judging her
- that you just can't spare it, and that it doesn't suit you to
give her the money. Maybe she will turn to her daughter then.
But how would you like it if someone was that judgmental about YOUR
spending habits? It's not up to you to judge her (it almost
sounds like a MIL!). If the way she spends is REALLY crazy
and it's hurting her children, maybe they do need to crack down
on her. But, any frugal person can judge a less frugal person
for spending "stupidly". And, the less frugal people
can mock the frugal people for being "tightwads".
In my opinion, in general, the way other people manage their money
is none of our business. But, again, you don't have to be
an "enabler", and keep giving her your hard-earned money,
if she just blows it. You are only responsible for yourselves
(unless she can directly harm you by putting YOU in debt, or something).
RESPONSE: Confused About Money
You sometimes have to be cruel to be kind. Next time she asks
for money, tell her that you cannot afford it at this time.
When she learns that the well has run dry, she will have to take
herself in hand. Tell DH that, while you know she is his mother,
he is not helping her by constantly giving her money. She
must learn to stand on her own two feet.
RESPONSE: Confused About Money
The only advice I have for you is to cut her off. My mother
did the same thing to me and my sister, and it never got any better.
We did everything we could to get her back on her feet after her
divorce, but all of that extra money was (as you said) spent stupidly.
She would pay off a bill and charge it back up. No matter
what we did and how much we talked to her and tried to help, she
never changed. I have since moved out and my sister still
lives with her. But she doesn't help her nearly as much as
she used to because my mom has to learn to support herself.
Since then, my mom has racked up twice the amount of debt that she
had at the time of the divorce. Trying to help someone who
obviously doesn't want to make the situation better is pointless,
and it is wasting your money. I would talk to your DH, and
tell him how you feel about it.
I wrote "To Visit
Or Not To Visit" on March 23rd. I have good news.
DH has decided not to let them make him feel guilty. He decided
that we are not going to visit. I didn't even have to talk
with him about it. DH told MIL the guilt trip was just not
going to work. It has never worked on me. The uncle
we're going to visit is MIL's brother, and he knows exactly how
she is. My SIL is just like my MIL, who is just like GMIL.
I have just as much trouble with GMIL as I do MIL. DH and
uncle are the only sane people in this family. They are a
lot alike. Uncle also lies to family so they won't get mad
about things. Uncle just took a week off, no one knew that
but us. Everyone thought he just had 2 days off. So,
he came in for 2 days. If they had known he was off for a
week, they would have been mad that he didn't stay for a week.
Now, does that make any sense? I don't know why they won't
let people live their own lives. I can't stand to be in the
same room with these people. Everyone talks at the same time.
They talk over each other, and argue all the time. It makes
me nervous. I wasn't raised this way. I mentioned before
that DH and I can't have children. Well, we went through fertility
treatments for a year. There's nothing wrong with either of
us. They can't find a reason why we are unable to get pregnant.
We decided to stop treatment, it's just too hard to go through it
month after month. The ILs knew about this, but did they ever
call to see how things were going? NO. If they can't
control it, they don't want to know about it. The only thing
MIL said was, "If you have a baby, I'm going in with you to
record it." I just told her, "I don't think so."
I could go on and on. I hope this makes sense. Thanks
again for the help.
Signed - Not Going To
Visit
RESPONSE: Not Going To Visit
I am the one who wrote the thankful, but sad story (March 30, 2002).
I just wanted to say that you do make sense, and I understand completely.
It is wonderful that your husband stood up to the guilt, for that
is an unbelievable manipulation tool that they use. You should
see the birthday cards they just sent my DH (MIL, FIL, and SIL).
They poured on the guilt, and I know it still has the ability to
make my husband question himself. The cards say such things
as, "We always have believed the good in you." In
other words, even though "you" don't in us. And,
SIL says a brother is there to protect his sister, for she loves
him so much. So much for the fact that they have put him in
the position to have to stand up to them to protect his wife and
children from their many years of under the table cruelty.
I wish you the best, and am happy your husband took that stand.
RESPONSE: Not Going To Visit
Good for you. Stand your ground. You shouldn't have
to do anything you don't want to. My MIL and SIL are very
self-centered, and they think only of themselves. As far as
they're concerned, everyone around them has to do what they want,
whenever they want. I have never met the GMIL, but according
to my DH, she's just like them. The best thing for you to
do is to ignore them. If there is a family function and you
want to go, then go. If you have other plans, then don't.
Your husband's uncle is wise to not tell them all of his plans.
You may want to do the same.
Well, I have so many
stories about my MIL, I can't decide where to begin. She is
such a know-it-all, with a dictatorship attitude. In other
words, a smart @ss! One time, she came for one of her annoying
visits, and was in a real mood (of course, my DH never sees or hears
anything that mommy does - I had been telling DH for 10 years that,
one day, I will get fed up, and when I do, it won't be pretty).
Well, that day finally came in 1999 when she was in "the mood"
to slur me for the trillionth time. I had made breakfast a
little later than normal that morning, so it was more like brunch.
I was starving. I had put a feast out for a king. I
happen to be a very good cook, and she isn't. My DH can't
eat her food, nor can anyone else, for that matter. I think
she is a little bit jealous of that fact. Anyway, being so
hungry, I naturally put more food on my plate than I should have.
What did she do? She looked at my plate of food, then she
looked at me so pathetically and said, "Are you going to eat
ALL of that? You know, you shouldn't make food your whole
world." That pissed me off so badly. I looked her
right in the eye and said, "Oh food isn't my whole world, SEX
is my whole world!" The look on her face was priceless.
She gasped, grunted, oohed and awed! It was great! Although
sex is not my whole world, it sure got the job done at that moment
in time. I finally got her back! How did my DH react?
He sat there in total shock, and never said a word. That,
too, was priceless. Sort of like a two for one sale.
I totally hate her, and I have no regrets! I feel great just
reliving that morning! After she left, my DH apologized to
me for not running interference before putting me in a position
to vent so much pent up anger. One thing is for sure, it wasn't
pent up after that morning. And, just for the record, if she
pisses me off again, she is going to get it right back! I
will NEVER keep my mouth shut to her again.
Signed - I Dare Her!
RESPONSE: I Dare Her!
That was great!!!
RESPONSE: I Dare Her!
Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!! You owe me a new keyboard. I
just spewed all over this one! That's the funniest thing I've
read here. How very satisfying for you!
RESPONSE: I Dare Her!
Great! What a quick sense of humor you have to have come up
with that so quickly. That's a great way to deal with your
MIL. You weren't mean to her. You were funny, and it
shut her up! I'd like to try similar things with mine.
RESPONSE: I Dare Her!
Your response was so funny!!!! Good for you. Don't let
her talk to you that way. She is obviously a b!tch!
RESPONSE: I Dare Her!
I love it. Hope you don't mind if I use that line myself.
My MIL is just as bad, but the problem is that she does not think
she is, nor does my husband. But, she usually makes her comments
when he is out of the room, so I get to deal with it alone.
The sex thing was great. I am just going to wait for the perfect
moment in her life to fling that out, and, hopefully, the husband
will be in the room too!!! I wish I could have been at your
table that morning.
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