Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- Empathy4u/Posted: 12-APR-02
In general, I get along with my MIL (I'd say 95%
of the time). But, when she annoys me, it's really bad!
We just had our second son on March 29. MIL and SFIL came
to visit on April 3. They completely disregarded our wishes.
Before they got here, DH told them that our toddler was still adjusting,
so DO NOT get him worked up. FIL ignored that, exhausting
our son to the point that he passed out on the floor early evening.
I went to put him in his bed, and FIL kept telling me to leave him
there, and wake him up so we can play. I gave him a look and
repeated that he was going to bed (of course, he woke up two hours
later, and would not go to bed at bedtime). FIL actually tried
to sneak into his room, when I was not looking, to wake him!
Fortunately, I caught him. MIL was holding the baby, and kept
jiggling her arm. He was startled by this continuously.
I asked her to stop, but she insisted that the baby was dreaming,
and it wasn't her. We also asked them to keep the noise down.
They actually said, "NO, he (the baby) had to get used to it."
I flat out said, "No, he does not, this is a quiet house."
Then, when my DH was taking them back to their hotel, they asked
how the circumcision went. Our first is circumcised - the
baby is not, and will not be (LONG STORY). They just went
off on DH and would not let up. Grrrr.
I wonder if anyone can
help me. I am dealing with a Narcissistic mother (diagnosed,
but she obviously denies it - she's a narcissist!) who acts towards
me like many of your MILS act towards you. After many years
of abuse, throughout which I was physically ill due to the stress,
something changed in me. When I turned 40, I started standing
up for myself, and regaining my self-esteem and my health.
I have many coping strategies for the verbal abuse towards me.
In fact, I have a list taped up near the phone!:
Did you mean that to sound so rude?!
I cannot be bullied any more - I'm 40!
I think that remark says more about you than
it does about me, etc.
However, I'm at a loss when she does her oh so subtle put downs
of everyone else. I have made some ground rules: For
instance, she is "not allowed" to talk to me about my
sister's ex husband, whom she hates with a vengeance, as I am still
a friend of his. She will still have the occasional dig, but
on the whole she keeps quiet about him. But when she suddenly
turns a perfectly innocent story about her sister's holiday into
a subtle attack about her sister and BIL, I'm always caught off
guard. I can't have ground rules about everybody in the country!
However, I do not want to be party to her attacks. It has
reached the stage that I may have to stop all communication with
her (I did this once before, for over two years). Unfortunately,
this means I also lose communication with the greater part of my
family, as she poisons them against anyone who cuts her off.
These other family members are still controlled by her, but it's
not their fault, they just haven't learned yet, and I'd prefer to
keep in touch with them! Any ideas would be gratefully appreciated.
Thanks.
Signed - Don't Want To
Be Party To Her Attacks
RESPONSE: Don't Want To Be Party To Her Attacks
When the stories degenerate into nasty digs, I would say, "I
don't want to talk about that anymore." If you keep doing
it, I would say mommy dearest will catch on. I applaud you
for how well you've done (and continue to do), from the sounds of
it. I am sure it was very hard. But, please, take care
of yourself, and cut mother off if you need to do so. Perhaps
you are giving the other family members excuses. Can they
really be so blind or easily fooled, or think so little of you that
mother can turn them against you? Then, I think I would figure
out whether I would be better off without them. No, I don't
know exactly what you are going through, but I have been in a similar
situation - and I am just asking that you think about how these
people can be persuaded to turn against you if they really know
you?
RESPONSE: Don't Want To Be Party To Her Attacks
I'm not sure if this will work, but one strategy I use at work with
people who want to draw me into their interoffice feuds and gossip
is to just play dumb and innocent. When someone approaches
me and starts dropping hints that they want to trash someone else,
I pretend not to notice or understand the gossip bait. I just
let it lay there, or just keep quiet and nod my head. I make
sure that I don't say anything that will encourage them to continue,
or think I'm interested in participating. Sometimes, I just
listen, and when they're done, I just start talking about something
else. Or, when they come to me with a problem or complaint
they have with someone else, I give them positive alternatives to
deal with it. If they're the type that just wants to grouse,
they quickly find other people who are willing to grouse with them,
and they leave me alone. Your MIL may want you to join her
in her attacks, and/or she knows her digs and gossip distress you.
The best thing you can do is to not give her anything that encourages
her to continue. Don't show her that you are affected in any
way. Or, if you'd rather take a more direct approach when
she takes a dig at someone, you could just calmly and coolly reply,
"Oh? I've never noticed that," or "Really?
I've always found that person to be very nice," etc.
Or, better yet, when she becomes negative, just make up an excuse
to get off the phone as quickly as possible. If she's smart,
she'll get the hint quickly enough that you're not going to play.
Good luck.
RESPONSE: Don't Want To Be Party To Her Attacks
I think the fact that you are conscious of your mom's actions show
that you have made great progress. Unfortunately, I don't
have any great advice for you. But, I will say that I think
your idea of taping responses next to the phone was a great idea!
I will have to try that. My mother lives 3000 miles from us,
yet she STILL manages to get on my nerves every time I talk to her.
All she does is complain and whine about her life, and who she is
mad at. And, she will tell me what she is doing. NEVER
- NOT ONCE, has she ever asked me, "How are you?"
My mom has PLENTY of money, and is in good health, and yet she constantly
complains about how awful her life is. I know nothing I can
ever do will make her happy. It sounds awful, but she seems
to be jealous of me and thinks I lead the perfect life (how would
she know if I ever had any problems, when she never cares to listen
to what is going on with me?). When I was pregnant with my
3rd child, my mother actually told me, to my face, "If I had
to do it all over again, I would never have had children!"
She loves my kids, but is not the best grandmother (although she
thinks she is). She has even gone so far as to tell others
that my husband was going to have an affair on me and leave me!
I have MIL problems too - so I get hit from both sides. I
have gotten much stronger in the past 2 years, and I turn 40 this
coming December. I hope that I can "break free"
then. My husband and I made the choice to move far away from
his mom and mine, and that is the BEST thing we ever did.
Unfortunately, there are still those family ties that bind AND gag
us! Good luck to you!
My BIL (DH's only sibling/brother)
is getting married. There was a shower for his fiancee, given
by a friend of hers. I came to know, recently, that my MIL
and DH's aunt attended it. I did not even know it was happening.
I had invited my MIL that weekend, but she declined, saying she
had to attend a shower. She neglected to mention that it was
a shower for future SIL. I came to know about it from cousins/aunts.
I was hurt that she did not feel fit to include her only DIL in
a party to welcome the next DIL. She says that, since she
did not throw the party, she had no business inviting me.
I feel that she deliberately kept me out, and she could (and should)
have made the effort to get an invitation for me. Her neglecting
to tell me about the party also indicates guilty feelings on her
part. Is she right in saying that she had no business inviting
me?
Signed - Kept Out Of
It
RESPONSE: Kept Out Of It
I don't know what she or the people giving the shower were up to,
but MIL had no right to invite you. However, she could have
quietly asked FDIL about the lack of an invite for you, IMHO.
Something smells rotten here, but technically, MIL was right.
What did your DH say? Were all the aunts and all included?
THAT was an insult, if so, and I would ask FSIL about it.
Maybe you and DH can get together with BIL and FSIL and iron it
out. Why don't you come over to the Boards for more support
- I have a feeling you're going to need it.
RESPONSE: Kept Out Of It
If the shower was given by a friend of the bride (my impression
from your message), then your MIL is correct that she had no business
inviting you. BUT, she should have mentioned to the person
giving it that she has a DIL, so they could invite you if they wanted
to. Likely the friend giving the shower didn't know you exist.
RESPONSE: Kept Out Of It
You need to go straight to the source. Ask the future SIL
why you were not included. Have you offended her in some way?
Did she assume that you wouldn't be interested in attending, and
if so, why is she thinking this way, etc., etc. You get the
idea. If your MIL received an invitation, and it sounds like
she did, then she certainly wouldn't have a right to invite you
along. You don't know all of the facts until you speak to
future SIL. Don't put it off, either. Get to the bottom
of it. It may not be as bad as it looks. Lots of luck.
RESPONSE: Kept Out Of It
Technically, if you are invited to the wedding, you are invited
to the shower. Whoever was throwing the shower was in error,
and your MIL would NOT have been out of line to mention this to
the hostess.
RESPONSE: Kept Out Of It
I can imagine that she might not have felt comfortable taking the
initiative to get you invited. I wouldn't necessarily assume
she was deliberately trying to exclude you, unless she gives you
a lot of other hostile signs. Why don't you just get the other
future DIL a shower-type present to welcome her to the family?
It sounds like you'd like to welcome her.
RESPONSE: Kept Out Of It
Unless you know the people who threw the shower, she's perfectly
right. You could always throw a "welcome to the family"
party of your own, if it's that important to you. Your MIL
probably didn't mention the shower to you because she didn't want
you to feel left out. If it was not her party - it was not
her place to issue invitations.
RESPONSE: Kept Out Of It
You should have been included. But, even if your MIL is evil,
it would have been rude for her to get you an invite. THAT
faux pas lies with the bride to be, or whoever was hosting the shower.
RESPONSE: Kept Out Of It
The only acceptable reason that you were not invited originally
would be because of an oversight. Your MIL should have made
an effort to get you invited. Apparently, your MIL didn't
want you there with her. She knew you weren't invited in advance
because she lied to you. Make her tell you the truth as to
why you weren't invited. There is no excuse for this, because
this is your future SIL. I would also wonder why FSIL didn't
speak up. I would not trust either of them. Be polite,
but aloof. You may be able to forgive, but I guarantee that
you won't EVER forget. Good Luck!
RESPONSE: Kept Out Of It
I definitely think you should have been invited to the shower.
Your MIL didn't host the shower, so I don't think she could have
directly invited you. But, she absolutely should have mentioned
to the hostess, way beforehand, that you should be included on the
guest list. And, if, for some reason, you still weren't invited,
your MIL should have done the right thing by explaining to you that
so-and-so was having a shower for your future SIL, and she doesn't
know why you weren't invited. And, she also should have said
that she wishes and thinks you should have been, but it would be
great if you could be understanding, blah, blah, blah. I agree
that, by not saying something, it makes it seem like she feels guilty.
I think there are a lot of rotten MILs out there (MINE INCLUDED!!),
but I am wondering if MAYBE she just didn't want to hurt your feelings,
and didn't know how to couch things so that you wouldn't be hurt.
Still, the fact that other family members were invited, and you
weren't, is not right. And, you found out about the shower
anyway, so your MIL should have been up front. Are you close
enough to your MIL to have a heart-to-heart talk with her about
this situation? I doubt it is your future SIL's fault that
you weren't invited, UNLESS she told the hostess not to invite you.
Cross your fingers that this is not part of a nasty trend towards
bad familial relations, and figure that you saved yourself some
money by not having to buy another gift!!
RESPONSE: Kept Out Of It
Remember, the shower was thrown by the future
DIL's friend. The friend would have had to get a list of guests
from the future DIL. Maybe you should ask the future DIL why
you weren't invited. I'm not defending your MIL in any way.
I do not know the relationship you have. But, is it possible
that she was caught in the middle? It can be a difficult position
to be in if she is trying to stay on good terms with the new DIL.
Maybe she didn't realize that you weren't invited until you invited
her over, and then she figured it out. Maybe she could have
mentioned the oversight to the new DIL, but this can be hard for
some people who don't want to "rock the boat". Again,
I don't know the relationship you have with your MIL, but is it
possible she was caught in the middle on this one?
My MIL hasn't liked me
from the first day she met me. My husband and I both have
been married before, and the first thing my MIL said to me was that
if my husband wanted to get his ex-wife back, all he would have
to do is find a pretty girlfriend. Now, he and his ex-wife
are divorced because of her sleeping with his brother. Another
time, our house burned, and we barely had enough insurance to pay
for the house and to get a mobile home to live in. This mobile
home had to have work done on it, and we worked hard to make it
nice. She saw a house in the town she lives in, and said,
"You could live there," and I said, "That doesn't
look too good on the outside." She said, "Well,
it has to look better on the inside than what you live in now."
Now mind you, she never says this stuff in front of my husband.
When I tell him about it, all he can say is that I misunderstood
her. I know what I heard, and I know what she said.
He always takes up for her, and I understand that he does this because
she is his mother, but I have to draw the line somewhere.
I have asked him to talk to her about how she treats me, and he
says that he will. But, every time he goes over there, I ask
him if he did talk to her, and he says that he forgot. Please,
this has been going on for 8 years. Now, when she calls the
house, she says, "Let me talk to my son." There
is no hello, nor does she say anything to me. So, I told her
not to call my house anymore, unless she could respect me when she
calls. She hasn't called the house since, and that was in
January of this year. No loss here. She doesn't consider
my son to be her grandchild, since he isn't her son's child.
She is always sticking her nose in our business, where it doesn't
belong. I've even told my husband that if she didn't stop,
he would have to pick between me and her. I know I shouldn't,
but I have no other choice. To make things worse, she let
my husband's ex-wife move in with them, knowing what she had done
to her son in the past. Then, when I was going over there
before this last big argument, she never called me by my name -
it was always my husband's ex-wife's name. The whole family
started doing that. My husband said that his ex moving in
with his parents has nothing to do with us, and I told him that
it has everything to do with us. I don't know if anyone else
agrees with me on that part. If you can respond to this, please
let me know if I'm wrong for the way I feel about this.
Signed - Ex Moving In
With His Parents
RESPONSE: Ex Moving In With His Parents
I can relate. My FH's ex moved in with FSIL 6 years ago.
Holidays are wonderful!!!(Sarcasm). It's her way of maintaining
control of him. You are right - it does concern you.
Unfortunately, it's probably too late, if your hubby isn't on your
side. My thoughts are with you. I hope you have better
luck than I have.
RESPONSE: Ex Moving In With His Parents
OK, why are you still married to this spineless mama's boy?
He hasn't been sticking up for you for eight years, and you're still
there? You have to be old enough to stand up for yourself,
and it's obvious he won't ever. So, it's either time for a
serious talk, or just an ultimatum. Life's too short to always
take the short end of the stick.
RESPONSE: Ex Moving In With His Parents
I would seriously rethink this marriage. Your MIL can at least
act like she cares for your son and not hurt him, and your DH is
a coward and a low down snake to let his mother hurt a child.
I would not allow it. No, you cannot stop your MIL from letting
the ex live with them, but I would give DH the ultimatum RIGHT NOW.
And be prepared to act on it when he chooses mommy dearest.
RESPONSE: Ex Moving In With His Parents
I would be LIVID if I were in your shoes. You have every right
to be mad. Your MIL is obviously taking sides, and favoring
her ex-DIL. Granted, it is good that she is civil towards
her (does your hubby have kids with his first wife?), but by doing
the things she is doing towards you, that shows that she is NASTY!!
You should put your foot down, and tell your husband off.
Otherwise, your MIL is going to continue to cause problems, and
you will end up being ex-wife #2. You should demand respect
from your MIL, AND your husband. If you don't at least get
your husband's support and your MIL continues her antics, then you
will be miserable!
RESPONSE: Ex Moving In With His Parents
I'm surprised that your DH divorced his first wife, considering
his ability to ignore insulting actions and comments around him!!
I'm sorry, but this man has a serious problem with facing reality.
WHY would MIL let DH's first wife move in?? Even IF there
hadn't been such an awful reason for the divorce, it is WRONG!!!
And everyone calling you by EX-wife's name??? Come ON!!
Your DH can't see the disrespect literally dripping off the walls?!?
His own mother lets that woman - who cheated on her son - live with
her, and then treats you the way she does?? The fact that
she let XDIL move in, and calls you by her name, is proof enough
that MIL is hostile towards you. Tell DH to open his eyes!
Dang right it is aimed at you, and your DH needs to grow some common
sense and a spine. And, you need to keep away from that whole
toxic family!!! I would say, "Until XDIL is gone, none
of us will set foot in IN-LAWS house." And, I would tell
DH that he had better back you up, or he can go live with MIL too!
RESPONSE: Ex Moving In With His Parents
Your MIL is a sniper, just like my MIL.
I fixed the problem by telling my husband that he was to be at my
side at all times when we were planning to spend time with his parents.
I told him that she only makes her sniper comments when he is not
present, and that it is his duty as my husband to protect me, even
if it's against his own mother. For a while she restrained
herself because of his presence, but, eventually, her sniper comments
started happening in his presence. I told my husband not to
say anything to her because I wanted him to be witness to it a bit
longer. At first, he would say that I was being oversensitive.
But, as this continued, he saw it for what it was, and was very
disappointed in his mother's behavior. I told my husband not
to say anything to her about it, because, quite frankly, I knew
that every time she made a sniper comment directed at me, she was
only hurting herself by ruining her son's respect for her.
That, in itself, made me feel like I was no longer her victim.
I made her the victim of her own attacks. As this went on,
my husband could no longer stand by and swallow her venom towards
me. He went to her house, told her his terms of spending time
with him and his family, and told her that, if she couldn't adhere
to the terms, that was her decision. She denied ever saying
anything hurtful to me, and she truly believes that she has done
nothing wrong. Meanwhile, my husband knows that she is toxic
to me, he knows that she won't change, so we've let go of her.
This is harder on my husband than it is on me, because she's still
his mother, and she finds any way she can to make him feel guilty
(whether through the mail or through other relatives). For
Christmas, I gave him a book called "Emotional
Blackmail". This book has empowered him to stop
being her victim. Now, we stand united, and use the energy
we spent on her to do fun things together that we both enjoy.
It's a shame that we can't have a healthy relationship with her,
but you know how the saying goes, "God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change
the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".
Something like that, anyway. No matter what, be kind during
all of this, and never let your MIL know that the things she does
bother you. Ignore her while your husband soaks it all up.
It's hard to do, but empowering. Good luck to you and your
husband.
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