The bottom line:
My MIL is CRAZY!! My DH and I have been married for 11 months
now, and we're both still young (I'm 22, and he is 21). On
a weekly basis, I'm asked by MIL if I'm pregnant yet. I would
like to say, "None of your business!", but I'm not quite
that bold - yet. I just say, "No." Then, a
couple of weeks ago, while we were at the IL's for Easter, my DH
was helping in the kitchen, and I overheard her asking him if I
was pregnant, because she doesn't think I would tell her.
Well, she's right! I wouldn't. I don't know what her
problem is. My BIL and his wife just had a baby in November,
so she has a grandchild to spoil. What is her deal?
Signed - No Babies, Yet!
RESPONSE: No Babies, Yet!
Hey, your MIL sounds just like mine. She also asks me the
same question every week. In my case, this has been going
on for more than two years. I have decided that I will not
tell her for at least 3 months when I actually am expecting (DH
and I have decided to start a family now). I have also made
it clear to DH that she will not visit me during the 9 months, and
she will not be allowed inside during delivery. She is welcome
to see the baby when he/she is born. I decided all this, because
she has made my life miserable by asking me if I am pregnant yet
for the past two years. I get so emotionally upset, because
of her nagging me all the time, that I do not want to be in contact
with her during those 9 months. I have asked my DH to respond
to her queries. I just pass the phone over to DH whenever
she asks me the question.
RESPONSE: No Babies, Yet!
I would guess that this is not going to stop until you tell her
it is none of her business. Or, you could tell her something
like this: You and DH have decided to wait until you are married
5 years before you even think about having a child. But, I
think the best thing you could do is to tell her that you will let
her know when. And, tell her that every time she asks, you
feel like delaying it another year.
RESPONSE: No Babies, Yet!
I was married at 22, and my husband was 23. We were also encouraged
to start a family (my MIL was 18 with her first). She frequently
sat my nephew in my lap and said, "Here's your baby."
I had just graduated from school, and my husband had a year to go.
The way I postponed these comments was to let her know that we were
young, and did not want a family for 5-7 years. The comments
decreased, and she was happy to hear when we told her the news 5
years later. Stand your ground. This is the first of
many problems, but learn how to deal with her tactfully. I've
tried for 19 years with my MIL. Don't let it get to you.
RESPONSE: No Babies, Yet!
She sounds like a big nag of a MIL. You are young to be married,
yet alone to have a baby. Once you are pregnant, what is she
going to nag you about? How to take care of yourself?!
Tell her to quit asking you. Better yet, tell your husband
to tell her.
RESPONSE: No Babies, Yet!
You are very patient! How tactless and annoying she's being.
RESPONSE: No Babies, Yet!
It could be worse, as bad as it is. My husband and I have
decided not to have children - at all, ever. He's had a vasectomy,
I've had a tubal. Everyone in DH's family could not care any
less about our reproductive choices, except his mother. It
got so bad (the harping, nagging, whining, cajoling, taunting and
name calling) that we have totally stopped going to her house for
family holidays, etc. So, we (I in particular) don't have
to put up with her abuse. I don't know what part of "We
don't want any, and we've taken surgical steps to ensure that"
she refuses to understand. Good luck to you!
RESPONSE: No Babies, Yet!
Like you, my MIL asked such personal questions. After one
such inquiry about starting a family, my husband responded, "We
will have children the moment you die." She never asked
us again when we were going to have children. People forget
about the birds and bees when they ask questions about pregnancy.
Therefore, you can use this to your advantage if your MIL is easily
scandalized (like most of our MIL's generation). You can respond
to her conception questions with the statement; "Are you really
that interested in DH's and my sex life?" Hope these
help.
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- Harley, 1 of 4 needed/Posted: 22-APR-02
One of the reasons I fell in love with my husband
was his devotion to his mother. Having raised a son for six
and a half years by myself, and not having a relationship with my
mom, I was elated that the man I fell in love with was so close
to his mother. What a good role model he would be for my son.
All that changed when we went camping over Thanksgiving weekend
with our friends and children. When my MIL found out that
we were going, she made DH feel so guilty that he wanted to back
out. I said, "Absolutely not, we were all looking forward
to this." To make a long story short, now she thinks
I'm Satan! She has gone so low as to tell her grandsons (who
are close to my son's age) that I'm trying to rip the family apart.
I have a hard time ignoring her accusations and outright lies about
me. The truth is that I don't even look forward to the holidays
anymore. How sad.
Signed - Don't Even Look
Forward To The Holidays Anymore
RESPONSE: Don't Even Look Forward To The Holidays Anymore
Poor you! Your husband will need help in order to understand
his role as a husband!
RESPONSE: Don't Even Look Forward
To The Holidays Anymore
Don't let her control how you celebrate your holidays. If
she does not like it, don't include her. If your man and you
like to camp, and that is how you want to celebrate every holiday,
it is none of her business. Unfortunately, from the day I
met my DH, he spoke so highly of his mom. I thought, "It
is great that they get along so well." Well, we came
to find out that she was fine with just me (and, is always fine
with me in front of DH). But, as soon as we are alone, she
tries to pull a power struggle with me. It gets old, and I
have never invited her for the holidays. I thank god we live
too far away.
RESPONSE: Don't Even Look Forward To The Holidays Anymore
Isn't it sad that the little dream you have can turn into such a
nightmare? I don't know what age the boys all are, but it
sounds like they might be old enough to have a talk with about grandma's
problem. Or, he needs to keep them away from her. But,
he'd better do something (from the sound of it). He owes his
loyalty to you and his children now - not his mother.
I am so depressed!
I am in my first year of marriage, and my FIL is making it hard
for us! I have written in before about my in-laws - how they
spend all their money on holidays they can't afford, how my FIL
funds his social life through his company (that my DH also worked
for) - well, that company has now gone bankrupt! What a surprise
(his 4th company to go down the drain!). FIL offered to pay
for drinks at wedding, and DH ended up paying for them. It's
now coming up on a year, and we have only had half the money back.
Since that time, he has taken MIL on holiday 3 times to expensive
places, plus various expensive meals, etc., etc.! I had a
massive row with DH last weekend (we row regularly about this) because
he lent his dad more money (wouldn't tell me how much). I
am so frustrated, as I feel that his dad is just sponging off him/us
and putting pressure on DH, when he should take responsibility for
his own overspending. I know that he is in financial trouble,
and I would be the first to help him out financially. But,
because he is a spendthrift and buys things he can't afford, and
borrows what he can't pay back, I won't give him a penny.
DH is so loyal (which is a lovely quality to have) to his dad, and
wants to help him out. He says that it doesn't make much difference
to us lending him the money, because it is on a credit card.
He agrees that his parents spend too much money, and told his dad
that we can't afford for him to not pay us back. And, he told
him that he must stop spending. This is a big step forward,
and it shows that he is listening to my concerns. However,
knowing FIL, it will go in one ear and out of the other. Maybe
FIL has had some bad luck in business that he didn't deserve, but
I can't believe that it wasn't his fault that 4 companies have all
gone bust! We are still trying to pay off our debts from our
honeymoon. We were going to pay with a bonus that his dad
promised DH last year. Of course, that bonus never arrived
in full, due to the company going into liquidation (leaving us with
a few thousand pounds left on credit cards!). DH is now working
for another company, doing similar things, and FIL has managed to
wangle himself a position as a self-employed sales person for the
same company. Everything FIL gets involved in goes wrong -
he is putting in excessive expense forms, and is going off abroad
whenever he feels like it. I think it looks bad on DH.
The company has already hinted to DH that they aren't keen on him
doing business with FIL, which hurts DH's feelings, as it is his
dad. I know this sounds harsh, but they have had their chance
in making a life for themselves. We are starting a new life
as a newly married couple. I want to have children in a couple
of years (be able to help them out financially), move to a house,
and do all the things that normal people do. How can I possibly
do this when I feel so financially insecure because of the problems
with FIL. My parents are successful, but they are sensible.
They may be wealthy now, but this wasn't always the situation.
My dad never overspends, and never takes money out of his company.
Maybe this is half my problem, that I have been lucky enough to
have been brought up with parents who know the value of money, and
never got themselves into trouble. They have now gotten to
the age when they can enjoy themselves, go on lovely holidays, etc.
This is because they were careful with money. I want to be
like my parents, not his. And, turning out like them is my
greatest fear!
Signed - Depressed And
In A No-Win Situation?
RESPONSE: Depressed And In A No-Win Situation?
I would just put my foot down. DH does not work for DADDY
anymore, and now he has a wife (and, someday he will have children
to support). He needs to think about his immediate family
concerns, not his extended family. His parents are now his
extended family. But, I would not help them out with money.
If they needed some of the basic needs, yes. But, do not give
money (just FOOD, SHELTER, or CLOTHES). And, the last one
does not need to have a brand attached to it. You and your
husband are going on trips and enjoying what you can now (since,
once children come along, you have to do the kinds of trips that
entertain them).
RESPONSE: Depressed And In A
No-Win Situation?
My stomach lurched when I read your story. Your first year
of marriage should be one of hope, teamwork, and looking to the
future - not one of worry, wondering how you'll cope, and how you'll
stop your DH from giving away your future to his parents.
I agree with you, totally, that your ILs have had their chance at
making a life for themselves. Most parents help out their
offspring, not the other way around! Maybe you could sit down
with your DH and work out on paper where you'd like to be - with
financial and lifestyle matters - in 1 year, 5 years and 10 years
time. Perhaps he hasn't realized that the constant dripping
tap of money to his parents will result in your staying in the same
place for years? Would your parents be willing to give a chat
to you and DH about saving for the future? Or, if you think
this would be seen as your DH's ILs interfering, what about your
bank manager? Perhaps you could even show your husband this
page to show how worried you are? I'm sorry I can't help much,
but I just wanted you to know that I think you are right to feel
how you are feeling - his dad is just sponging off you, and you
are entitled to put your foot down. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Depressed And In A No-Win Situation?
And, you never will, because your DH will be just like them if he
doesn't stop. I am guessing that you are not from the US.
Well, here, the marriage assets are BOTH the woman's and the man's.
It is one thing to tuck away a little "mad money", but
it is entirely a different thing to give his parents money off of
a credit card, and to not tell you how much. First of all,
credit cards are nothing but trouble. Your DH has some serious
issues that need to be addressed. You and he need a powwow
BIG TIME, and NOW! He is NOT to give his parents another dime,
or I would tell him that I would be seriously considering an attorney.
Tell him it is BOTH of your money, and if he wanted to spend his
life supporting deadbeat parents, then he should not have married
you.
RESPONSE: Depressed And In A No-Win Situation?
The company your DH (and now FIL) works for probably realizes that
FIL is a drain, so your DH should try to distance himself from his
father in business matters (as much as it pains him). FIL
isn't trustworthy with his own money, let alone anyone else's.
Suggest to your DH that, if he wants to help his father out financially,
he should mail a check to one of FIL's creditors. Don't hand
FIL cash in any form - it's like putting jade earrings on a monkey.
Your DH is still young, and probably idealizes his father - not
realizing that FIL sets a rotten example of how responsible parents
behave. He's probably too close to the problem to see it clearly.
You need to have a serious talk with your DH about setting limits
on how much you are willing to help pull his parents out of their
financial hole. You don't really mention your MIL -- is she
as much of a spendthrift as your FIL? I completely sympathize
with the desire to help one's parents. I also understand that,
at some point, everyone has to grow up and take responsibility or
their actions, facing the consequences on their own.
RESPONSE: Depressed And In A No-Win Situation?
I totally understand where you are coming from. I think DH
is a kind person who likes to help his dad out when in need, but
the more he is going to do for his dad, the more he will rely on
him. He needs to stop bailing his dad out, and leave him to
stand on his own two feet. Your FIL takes advantage of his
son's generosity. He won't like him setting boundaries, at
first, but he will get used to it in time. DH needs to be
putting his family first now, and making a future for your own kids.
You are right - his dad had had his chance. Now, it's your
turn. His dad needs to stop holding you back, and start backing
off. But, he won't until you define your boundaries more clearly.
And, it sounds to me as if that is DH's job. A lot of sons
are still afraid of their fathers. I think you should encourage
him to stand up for himself and his family more.
RESPONSE: Depressed And In A No-Win Situation?
My God, who is raising who? The roles have gotten reversed,
and DH is acting like a father to his dad. And DH needs to
be like a parent, with a child who is grown and has had time to
know better. He needs to cut FIL off. Then, DH needs
to get the roles back in line! DH needs to face the fact that
FIL is irresponsible and immature. If FIL was an alcoholic,
would DH be buying him booze? From the sound of it, yes.
Your DH is an enabler. He is going behind dad, cleaning up
his messes, and doing it WRONG. The best thing for FIL would
be to GROW UP! Your DH has to know by now that FIL is not
going to pay you back. The next time he says, "Dad will
pay the loan back," ask him, "Based on which time?"
Never, EVER loan money you can't afford to lose. If you go
into major debt for FIL, you will spend years digging yourself out
and putting your credit back in order. In the meantime, my
guess is that FIL will go merrily on his way, spending, lying, and
taking holidays. He sure as heck won't help you and DH with
your finances! I know it is hard, but DH needs to face the
fact that his father has some sort of addiction - like a gambler.
DH needs to show "tough love". That means cutting
off the money bank. FIL needs help, not another helping hand
full of money. He needs to be cut off so he has to face the
consequences of his own behavior - then, maybe he will grow up.
And, you face the difficult task of telling your beloved that you
will no longer finance FIL's trips, spending, failed business, etc.
The bank is closed. Tell DH that, if you cannot trust him
to not give FIL money, you will protect your own finances from him
and his father. Then, do it if you need to!! Open an
account, with just your name, that DH can't get into - put the household
money there. Close the credit cards with his name on them.
If you have to, tell DH that you will divorce him to prevent him
from taking you down the road to financial ruin. Because,
unless the laws are different where you are, you and DH will be
held responsible for the debts your DH is incurring in order to
bail out FIL. Get tough!! Don't fight, don't yell -
just get tough. Come over to the boards, if you need some
support as you move ahead.
RESPONSE: Depressed And In A No-Win Situation?
I know this will sound odd, but it does work for some couples.
My suggestion is to separate your bank accounts, one for you and
one for DH. Your paycheck goes into your account, and you
pay half the household bills. The same goes for DH.
Then, maybe you can, at least, save some of your money, and DH will
be limited to only being able to give money to his dad from what
he has in his accounts. The credit cards will be another matter
entirely, but separate accounts might be an idea to consider.
I, too, have a father who is not financially responsible.
He and my mom are recently divorced, and his trouble with money
is the biggest reason. My dad has borrowed money from us,
but thankfully, has paid us back (even if it took longer than expected).
I feel for you. It's uncomfortable to lend money to close
relatives. Good luck!
I have been in a difficult
MIL situation for the past 12 years. I want to share some
of my experiences with you. First of all, my MIL lives only
30-45 minutes away, so she has always felt that it is perfectly
acceptable for her to come over to our home (uninvited, without
even calling us first) on a regular basis. Additionally, she
brings her two barky dogs - they chase my cats, and cause our neighbors
to complain about all of their barking. I have politely asked
her to stop, by explaining that she is always welcome in our home
(not really, but I was trying to get along), but that we would appreciate
it if she could let us know before she comes in the future (of course,
my requests were always ignored). Finally, my DH got so mad
at her that he refused to let her in when she showed up one Saturday
morning! I was on the phone at the time, and didn't really
realize what had happened until after she was gone (with barky dogs
in tow). But, apparently, this did the trick! We have
had no more unwanted visits from MIL since. Mind you, this
took close to 10 years to accomplish. Next, she is always
giving tons of unsolicited advice to us. The advice almost
always is unnecessary, and often has an extremely negative twist.
For example, she actually tried to discourage my DH from finishing
school. This is probably because she didn't want to help pay
for it, so my family footed most of the bill (something which she
has never even bothered to thank them for). Anyway, I am proud
of DH for completing his education. Also, MIL hates not only
me, but also her other two DILs. At my SIL's wedding, my MIL
sat inside her house and pouted during the whole reception.
The wedding took place at the home of SIL's parents, who happened
to live right next door to MIL at the time (they have since moved
- good choice!). MIL was also a jerk at her youngest son's
wedding. Luckily, DH and I eloped, so she never had a chance
to mess up our happy day. MIL and FIL have three sons - my
DH is the oldest, the middle son is also a very good person, but
the youngest son, lookout! I don't know what went wrong with
this kid, but he is an absolute psycho! He has been in and
out of jail, and has numerous felonies on his record. He is
completely antisocial and rude at family functions, and it is generally
creepy to be around him at all. Of course, he is my MIL and
FIL's favorite! Go figure! They paid for his entire
college education, and still give him money and gifts whenever he
wants. At Xmas, he always gets way more stuff than his two
brothers. It is repulsive. DH and I are currently pregnant
with our very first baby, and I have had some complications during
my first trimester. We told my nice BIL and his wife because
we wanted some advice (they just had a baby too). Apparently,
they repeated this info (in a well-meaning way) to MIL, who told
her sister, who then called me to see if I was okay. MIL never
even had the decency to call me herself! I guess it's for
the best, because I really don't want to talk to her anyway.
There is a lot more that I could go into (like, about how MIL has
insulted me and my family countless times over the years, about
how she mispronounces almost every single word in the English language
- her native language, and about how she can't get along with ANY
of her coworkers or neighbors because she is so screwed up), but
it would take way too long. All I can say to all of the other
frustrated DILs and SILs out there is that I am about to become
a mother, which means that someday I, too, will be a MIL.
While my experience with my own MIL has been miserable at best,
I have actually learned a great deal from it, and I have made a
vow to NEVER treat my future child's life partner the way that I
have been treated by my MIL. This is the only real positive
thing I have been able to take away from this whole experience.
I hope it helps. Remember, hang in there - you are not alone!
Signed - Someday I, Too,
Will Be A MIL
RESPONSE: Someday I, Too, Will Be A MIL
Yes, if a person can't serve as a good example, she can always serve
as a horrible warning! My MIL has given me a lot of ideas about
ways to be considerate to my "imaginary" DIL, and to people
in general - all I need to do is just do the opposite of what she
does! I think it's possible that I've already become a more
considerate person than I used to be out of horror at the way she's
behaved. It makes me want, so much, to be more considerate
and thoughtful.
RESPONSE: Someday I, Too, Will
Be A MIL
Congrats on the pregnancy! I hope that everything works out
for you and the baby. Just focus on yourself and baby for
now, and do not let your MIL take away from this wonderful time
in your life.
RESPONSE: Someday I, Too, Will Be A MIL
I can totally understand your story. I, too, have an ice maiden
for a MIL, and a psycho younger BIL. And, my DH is the eldest
of 3. I, too, like yourself, have so many stories to tell
- exactly like yours. I don't know where to begin. But,
unlike you, I have no SIL whom I can trust to share my stories with.
I wish that I did, because at every family function, I am stuck
there listening to MIL cr@pping on about the youngest DH - how what
has happened to him is not his fault. She even asked me if
I could move my then 6 month old baby off the couch so he could
lay down. How pathetic is that? Anyway, try not to let
them get to you. At least you have allies. SIL is on
your side. At least you are not alone.
RESPONSE: Someday I, Too, Will Be A MIL
Your MIL sounds terrible, but I have issue with you about one thing:
Why should ANYONE's parents have to pay for someone's college?
Adults can take care of their own educational bills. Did your
family also foot the bill for your care for your pregnancy.
It makes me sick when grown people think their parents OWE them.
RESPONSE: Someday I, Too, Will Be A MIL
I guess I am in for a long haul. Your story was good to read
for me, because I have been thinking that my MIL was the only one
around (we are newlyweds, so I am new to this whole thing).
She is cool to me when I am over there with my wife (her daughter),
but when my wife goes over there alone, WOW! I just try to
be patient, and love everyone. Anyway, it was a good, amusing,
informative story. Thanks!
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