My daughter is only 7
weeks old, and my MIL has turned into the overpowering, jealous
one. When she comes over, she likes to see how upset she can
make me by saying things like, "Grandma needs to take you and
get your ears pierced." I will candidly say, "Over
my dead body!!" Grandma has proceeded to say, "I
will take you, and there is nothing mommy and daddy can do about
it!" I even told her that if she ever pulled a stunt
like, that she would have only supervised visits with my daughter.
She just laughs and looks down at my daughter and says, "It's
better to ask forgiveness than permission." I'm about
to blow my top!!!!!! Any suggestions on how to handle "grandma"?
She wasn't like this until the baby came along!!!!
Signed - She Wasn't Like
This Until The Baby Came Along!!!!
RESPONSE: She Wasn't Like This Until The Baby Came
Along!!!!
Unless she lives with you, you don't HAVE to give her access to
your child. If she's going to act this irresponsibly in front
of you, egging you on, and blatantly ignoring your wishes for YOUR
child, cut her off. Take phone calls, but don't let her see
the baby. She's wrong - there's a LOT you can do about it.
RESPONSE: She Wasn't Like This
Until The Baby Came Along!!!!
Easy - don't let grandma take the baby by herself. When she
asks why, tell her you do not want your child's ears pierced, and
as long as she thinks she can go against your wishes about what
you want for your daughter, she won't get time with the baby alone.
On a related note, I personally will NEVER understand people who
get a baby's ears pierced! Why would anyone do something that
hurts so much, and is so potentially dangerous, because THEY think
it looks cute?!?! It's the ultimate in selfishness.
RESPONSE: She Wasn't Like This Until The Baby Came
Along!!!!
What a witch. She is really pushing your buttons. You
don't need this cr@p from MIL, especially in your own home.
Make Grandma a non-visitor until such talk stops. You don't
need to hear it or put up with it. Don't let her come visit,
and do not take baby to see her. Tell her that you have reason
to believe that she will always undermine your parental authority,
based on what she says, and you will not have your daughter growing
up disrespecting the rules right along with Grandma (which is what
MIL's behavior is teaching). Also, tell her that you don't
want her thinking that she can do whatever she wants and simply
ask forgiveness. And, if MIL claims to be teasing, I would
tell her it has gotten old, and it is not funny. Also, based
on the warnings you already got from MIL, do not EVER let her have
your child alone. If she asks why, tell her it is because
of what she has threatened to do. Because, IMHO, MIL is indeed
letting you know her intentions, should she ever be in a position
to carry them out. But, I would just cut off all her visitation
until this talk and attitude stops.
RESPONSE: She Wasn't Like This Until The Baby Came
Along!!!!
It sounds like the old bat is testing you. I would talk to
your DH and have him address the ear piercing. Have him tell
his mommy that, under no circumstances is she to do anything to
the baby without your express permission and consent. Be very
firm. My mother lives under the rule that my opinions don't
count. I understand your frustration. Just this weekend,
my mother bought a ton of junk for my daughter, despite my repeated
pleas to keep it toned down. She bought an outfit that was
too big, and was plain ugly. I asked her to return it.
What do you think she did? She showed it to my daughter, took
her into a room (unbeknownst to me), and put the outfit on her.
Of course, all tags got cut off, and now my daughter (who is 3)
loves the outfit and wants to keep it. How is that for lack
of respect? Good luck!!!!!!
RESPONSE: She Wasn't Like This Until The Baby Came
Along!!!!
Tell DH that this has to stop. Until she gets it, tell her
that she cannot come over. If she comes over uninvited, don't
let her in.
RESPONSE: She Wasn't Like This Until The Baby Came
Along!!!!
Is she nuts??? She is giving you a message, loud and clear,
that she's not going to respect you as the mother. Do not
let her be alone with your child! Does your DH know about
any of this? If so, the two of you need to be a united front!
My ILs tried to pull this mess with holiday photos. They actually
made the appointment to have my DS (who was 8 months at the time)
and his cousin take Christmas pictures together WITHOUT asking me
first. I nearly flipped, and told them that if they ever tried
to pull that type of stunt again, the next time they would see my
son is when he graduates high school! This was a special time
for us, and they were trying to do what THEY wanted. Please,
lay down the law now!
RESPONSE: She Wasn't Like This Until The Baby Came
Along!!!!
I think your MIL really enjoys yanking your chain! It seems
that she gets a response (even though it's a negative one) every
time she opens her mouth with one of her nasty remarks. Her
laughing at your responses is utterly insulting and aggravating!!
As hard as it may be, I would simply try ignoring her comments as
if she hasn't even spoken, and go about doing whatever you are doing.
This may just take the wind out of her sails, and be enough to stop
her. If not, I would come right out and tell her that her
comments are serving no purpose other than to invoke anger and hostility,
and, since you don't think that's a healthy environment for your
child, she will have to stay away until she can control herself!
Then, enforce it if she doesn't comply. I'd love to hear if
either of these suggestions have been helpful to your situation..
Good Luck! Been There.
RESPONSE: She Wasn't Like This Until The Baby Came
Along!!!!
Start now, and don't allow MIL to be alone with your daughter.
She just might take your daughter and get her ears done! I
would only allow her to see your daughter with you AND DH present.
Start now, and put your foot down. Let her know that you mean
business, and tell her to shut up. Good luck.
RESPONSE: She Wasn't Like This
Until The Baby Came Along!!!!
I'd keep her as far away from your daughter as possible. Have
short, supervised visits only, and DO NOT let this crazy woman baby-sit
your child alone. If she asks why, simply state that she has
shown that she is too immature and undependable to be a proper grandmother.
Good luck!
RESPONSE: She Wasn't Like This Until The Baby Came
Along!!!!
What a horrid woman - to take what should be a happy time in your
life, and try to make you as upset as possible!!!! What a
B!TCH!!! To me, she has already demonstrated that she can't
be trusted with your daughter!! She's YOUR DAUGHTER!!
She should back off!! Tell her she can't take your DD anywhere!!!
And, get your husband to back you up. If she complains, or
says she was just kidding, look her in the face and say, "BETTER
SAFE THAN SORRY!!!"
RESPONSE: She Wasn't Like This Until The Baby Came
Along!!!!
I would not allow any unsupervised visits with grandma - period.
She has pretty much made it clear that your wishes as a mother mean
nothing to her, and your rules regarding your child were made to
be broken. Talk to your DH about this as well. When
MIL asks for an unsupervised visit, be honest with her, and tell
her that you don't trust her to respect your way of raising your
child. Cite what you just told us as examples, and tell her
that you do not appreciate being undermined in that way. Your
MIL has absolutely no right to have your baby's ears pierced without
your permission. It is especially appalling that she would
still consider doing it after you made it crystal clear that you
do not want this done to your child! This woman CANNOT be
trusted.
RESPONSE: She Wasn't Like This Until The Baby Came
Along!!!!
I'll be reading the responses you get with interest. I am
afraid of having children, for fear that my MIL will turn out just
like that.
RESPONSE: She Wasn't Like This Until The Baby Came
Along!!!!
Smile at her, and tell her if she ever tried this, "DIL and
DH are going to have to take YOU to the nearest loony bin."
RESPONSE: She Wasn't Like This Until The Baby Came
Along!!!!
Sit grandma down (when the child is sleeping) and let her know that
this is your child. She had her chance, and you get to make
all the decisions about this child. And, if she ever tries
to override your decision, you will not let her be the involved
grandma she wants to be. She will be so restricted, she will
be afraid to touch the baby.
RESPONSE: She Wasn't Like This Until The Baby Came
Along!!!!
Just completely ignore her when she says these things. Don't
give any type a facial expression to give away your feelings.
If her plan is to irritate you, then it will irritate her when you
don't respond at all. This is the best way to get back at
someone.
I don't know where to
start. My MIL is one of those who thinks that between a wife
and a mother, the mother is great and right, every time. Before
and after marriage, my MIL put her nose into things that I wanted.
I'm not soft, but I'm just the same kind as she is. For me,
I believe that, when a man is married, he should give priority to
his wife over anyone else in his family, and vice versa. She
had called me a lot of names, and said a lot of things to me (such
as telling me that I married her son just for sex, and that I'm
barren). Things got out of hand. We got into another
argument, and I spoke a lot of things. I told her things about
herself, and then she made it into a big fight and put all the blame
on me. I also, sometimes, feel that she reacts differently
to my husband. I'm afraid she doesn't know the difference
between a son and a husband's touch. It is a bit complicated
- endless. You know the whole story from day one. I'm
very much troubled by this problem, and I can't have a happy married
life with my husband. To tell you the truth, I'm living a
fake life now. We have just married for 8 months, but, still,
I never felt that "married life" yet. Every time
I'm in bed with my husband, I feel that my MIL is there as well.
She disturbs me in dreams, and I can't sleep well. Now, my
parents are getting telephone calls at home saying that I'm the
cause of all the problems. Things are getting out hand, and
I need help. Please help me.
Signed - Things Are Getting
Out Hand
RESPONSE: Things Are Getting Out Hand
I certainly hope your husband hears this and tells her to knock
if off. What is that woman going to do when you have a baby?
I would just get her alone and tell her, "I am going to end
up being the mother of your grandchildren, and you better be nice,
or you will have a very difficult time being a grandma."
RESPONSE: Things Are Getting Out Hand
I am so sorry for your troubles. You deserve to be happy.
I am a bit confused about who is calling your parents. Your
MIL? What is DH's stand on how his mother is acting?
Please, come over to the boards where you can get immediate feedback,
advice, and sympathy.
RESPONSE: Things Are Getting Out Hand
Where is your husband in all of this? Does he not have a reaction
to his mother's behavior? Talk to him about how you feel -
he's probably the only one who can help your marriage feel whole.
Talking to him is also a lot cheaper than therapy. You chose
him - not his mother. He's the only one you HAVE to deal with
- so deal with him.
RESPONSE: Things Are Getting Out Hand
What I want to know is: How is DH reacting to all of this?
Is he supporting you, or telling you that you are overreacting?
I am going through much of the same, and I, too, can't sleep at
night. My thoughts are consumed by the ILs, and knowing that
they may be around a long time. SO, what does DH say and do
in all of this? That is what I need to know first!
RESPONSE: Things Are Getting Out Hand
I think that you and your husband have major issues, and need to
seek professional help. I'm not exactly sure what you're implying
about "the difference between a son's touch and a husband's",
but it sounds like your husband, you (and your MIL, for that matter),
need to seek some counseling quickly - very quickly.
RESPONSE: Things Are Getting Out Hand
I am no longer married, but when I was, my MIL was a sweet lady
who had class. I wish I could have kept her instead!
But, in my experience with boyfriends and a fiancé, I can
tell you that it is your husband who is deficient all around.
He is the one with the most power to change this situation.
HE sets the tone for how you should be treated. HE is the
one who, having let your MIL get away with one thing, has unwittingly
encouraged her to continue. People only change their behavior
when there's a consequence. I suggest you start handing some
out. HE needs to change his approval of your mistreatment,
and hopefully, her change will follow. I know it's hard to
spot the insane MILs before you are married to their sons, but if
you just pay attention to how they treat their OWN family, you will
see how they'll usually treat you. You can't all be as lucky
as I was, to stumble across a psychiatric medication in her kitchen
cabinet! This was a former FMIL, and BOY did I dodge a bullet
with that hysteric!
I am pissed. My
MIL watched my 6 month old son last night, because I had to have
a root canal early in the morning. I really didn't want her
watching the baby, because I don't really trust her. Well,
to get on with the story, a few weeks ago, when my hubby took the
baby over there without me, MIL and SIL were critiquing my choice
of bottle nipples (I use Avent bottles, and there are different
nipples you can use as baby gets older - I was using the 3month
+ nipple) and they were saying that I shouldn't be using those nipples
because the baby was choking, and yada-yada. So, my hubby
came home and started using the old nipples. I asked him why,
and he explained - and then I got pissed. My mom couldn't
watch the baby, so we had MIL do it. Hubby went and picked
up baby. He brought baby home, the baby looked fine.
Everything was still attached, so I was thinking that, perhaps,
I had been a bit hasty in saying that I didn't want her sitting.
Then I went to unpack his bag, and what came out? New nipples
in the size smaller than what I was using. I asked hubby,
"Is there any reason that your mother is using different nipples
then the ones I sent with the bottles?" He replied that
the baby was choking again. Now, I have been using these nipples
since he was 3 months old (and so has my mom and hubby too), and
we have never, ever had a problem with them. I guess that
this isn't really a big thing, but it's still another brick in the
wall. And, I guess I'm pissed that she went and usurped my
decision, like she knows what is best for MY son. I really
ought to have words with her about this, but I don't know what to
say. If anybody has any advice, I'd be glad to hear it.
Thanks.
Signed - The Bad, Inferior
Mommy
RESPONSE: The Bad, Inferior Mommy
If I were in your position, I would be extremely upset too.
Somehow, a little thing like nipple switching ends up being very
upsetting. You asked advice on how to handle it, well, since
I am removed from the situation, here's how I might handle it:
Check out the nipples as if a good friend had given them to you
as a gift (or, as if you gotten them in the mail as a trial package),
and see if they might work better. If you like them, great.
Otherwise, just throw them away. In the grand scheme of things,
nipples can be very small. I think the main thing is that
she didn't ask you first - I totally agree. But to say anything
back to her about it would be stooping to her level, or behaving
as an unkind person. Just my advice - you can throw my advice
away too.
RESPONSE: The Bad, Inferior Mommy
I, basically, had the same problem with my MIL, but my situation
was with diapers. I always used a particular type and size.
When we would show up, she always wanted time with baby by herself,
and she always told me not to bring diapers or any other supplies.
But, she never had the right stuff for baby (the diaper size was
always 1-2 sizes too small). It got really annoying, and even
more annoying when he was pee-peeing all over his clothes and bed
over at her house. She was, and is, constantly checking his
diaper, etc. He is 2 now, and, yes, she still does it.
And, yes, I still cringe. It could be worse - she could live
next door, instead of 45 minutes away. Good luck! I
have a feeling it's not going to get to much better.
RESPONSE: The Bad, Inferior Mommy
You better open up your mouth NOW! As hard as it is, don't
let these ILs make decisions for your children. First, it's
nipples, then, God knows what next! How dare these IL's take
over in such a way! Your hubby sure seems like he believes
what good old mommy tells him. I would open my mouth now,
if I were you. It's a serious issue if ILs do not follow your
wishes. What does that say about what they think you want
for your child? They must think they have more rights than
you! Stand up for YOUR child!
RESPONSE: The Bad, Inferior Mommy
Is this your first child? I'm not taking the side of your
MIL, but I'm just wondering if she isn't nervous that you may not
yet have enough mothering experience, and has (inappropriately)
taken the steps to do what SHE thinks is best for your child.
If this is the case, I guess you could try to understand that in
a weird way, she is really trying to help. However, she has
totally gone about it the wrong way! If she really is that
concerned about the size of the nipple on the bottle, then she could
have discreetly suggested to you that you might try a different
size - and left it at that. But, replacing your previous nipples
with new ones without speaking to you or having your permission,
is downright deceitful and obnoxious. I would be honest with
her, and tell her that you feel you have made the right decision
about the nipples you are using (and, of course, that you have never
seen your baby choking with them!). And, tell her that, although
you appreciate her concern, you do not feel it is her place to make
these arbitrary decisions where your child is concerned. If
the "nice" approach doesn't seem to help, then you will
have to take more drastic action. But, be sure your husband
supports whatever you decide, or it could end up backfiring on you!
Good luck to you!
RESPONSE: The Bad, Inferior Mommy
Your MIL overstepped her bounds. I am a MIL, and I baby-sit
2 young grandchildren for my DS and DIL at least once a week.
My baby grandchild has started doing something like mouthing and
chewing his nipples, and spitting them out, etc., while eating.
I checked his mouth for Thrush - nothing. It wasn't that he
wasn't eating, it was just some strange sort of playing with the
nipple. I figured it was just me, or the day, or his mood
- or whatever. When it happened several times, I mentioned
that I was having a problem with feeding baby - and told them what
he was doing with me. I figured they would tell me what I
was doing differently to make him do this. Instead, the parents
said that they were having the same thing happen to them, and were
wondering if THEY were the only ones baby was acting that way with.
We had a good laugh. DIL tried new nipples, and I let her
know how it went - and then I left the decision to her. THAT
is how a grandma should handle it, and you can tell your MIL that
I said so. It is not her place to decide that you bought the
wrong size, and buy new ones herself. If MIL and SIL are the
only ones baby chokes with, then the trouble is not with the nipples,
but with the person doing the feeding. I would explain this
to DH, tell him you will not have his mother usurping an educated
decision that you made (along with DH, and your Pediatrician - if
they were all involved) just because MIL is having trouble feeding
the child. I would also have DH point out to MIL that no one
else has trouble - THAT might make her try harder. BUT, I
would just cut off her baby-sitting till she follows your rules.
I feel that if she gets away with this, it will get worse.
RESPONSE: The Bad, Inferior Mommy
It can be really hard to deal with when you feel like you are being
undermined, and/or your actions are being judged in a negative fashion.
It sounds like you have a shaky relationship with your MIL to begin
with, since you "don't really trust her". But, I
would suggest that you really try not to take this as an insult,
especially since it may not be intended as one. Despite the
fact that you, your husband, and your mother do just fine feeding
the baby with the age appropriate nipple, it is possible that it
actually does give your MIL/SIL a problem. It happens a lot
more frequently than you would think. I actually had a sitter
who just couldn't manage to feed my baby with the more advanced
nipples. She really did have a problem with the baby choking
on excess formula. I never had a problem with the age appropriate
nipples, but I made sure to prepare the bottles the sitter would
use with the smaller nipples. I didn't want my baby to choke,
and letting the sitter use the smaller nipples solved the problem.
Even if you don't really believe that is the case in this situation,
try to give your MIL the benefit of the doubt. It is possible
that you are just much better at feeding the baby, and she is trying
to be a loving grandmother with the switch (it could just be that
she's a control freak and trying to make you feel inferior).
If that's the case, she's chosen a stupid way of trying to do it.
Your MIL's need for the smaller nipples should make you feel like
a better mother, not a bad one (you can feed your baby with the
right nipples, without choking him, and she can't). Try not
to let this become a huge issue. Some battles aren't worth
it, and if you concede a few small battles like this one, you just
might "win the war" and end up with a decent relationship.
After all, you have something in common now - you both love your
son.
RESPONSE: The Bad, Inferior Mommy
I believe that hubby needs to sit down and speak to his mom and
sister and tell them that the decision is not theirs as to what
products you use with your son. She has raised her children,
and now it is time to be grandmother, not mother #2
RESPONSE: The Bad, Inferior Mommy
I certainly feel for you. Next time you have a doctor's appointment
for your son, make sure your husband goes with you. He needs
to understand that, as his son's mother, YOU KNOW BEST. Any
time she wants to baby-sit in the future, make up an excuse as to
why she cannot. You need to remove her as an option when you
need a sitter. That is what I have done with my MIL.
RESPONSE: The Bad, Inferior Mommy
This is a very controlling MIL. Stop her now, or your life
will be miserable, and you will end up resenting DH. I HAD
one just like her (notice the HAD). Controlling women often
breed weak sons! DH should be supporting you. Your MIL's
interference with the nipples is just the start. Your poor
baby will so confused as to which nipple to accept. Stand
your ground! Been There Done That.
RESPONSE: The Bad, Inferior Mommy
Let her know that he is YOUR son, and YOU are making all the decisions.
And, if she has a problem with something, or a better suggestion,
then she needs to approach you about it in a calm manner.
Tell her that you are not listening to nonsense rantings and ravings
about a nipple in a bottle. The ones you purchased are fine,
and they work well for you. He is still alive, so you must
be getting some of the food into him. Wait till you give him
mashed potatoes or something, and she freaks out. He's not
ready, yada, yada, yada. I got the same cr@p from my MIL,
only DS was 3. My parents asked me if they could buy him one
of those cars that are battery powered (for him to drive around
our yard). I said, "Fine." I informed my MIL,
so that she would not purchase the same thing as an Xmas present.
She told me about a recall, and some other jumble. And, to
make a long story short, we went to my parent's house and picked
up Xmas items, etc., to take home (about 300 miles away).
I had to rent a U-Haul, and my MIL had stuff for us too. So,
we went to her house next, and she saw the box with the truck in
it and said, "I thought we went over that, and they are not
safe. So, I thought you were not going to get one."
I just blew her off, like I usually have to do to her. She
is a royal pain in the butt, anyway. She is lucky that I choose
to inform her on things. I have started just leaving her in
the dark. It's not like she gets much info from my husband.
He does not have anything to say, unless you pry it out of him.
HA
My MIL was the type who
seemed very nice and accepting to your face, but once your back
was turned, LOOK OUT!! This woman was vicious and manipulative,
and had no intention of ever letting her only child, my husband,
out of her grasp. One of her first little deceptions involved
her "giving" us a van that she had, so we could fix it
up and sell it, supposedly to keep the money to put toward our wedding
and future. Well, we worked on that van for months - putting
our own money into it, and getting it looking great. But,
before we could sell it, she "borrowed" it back, lent
it to a family with kids and a dog for their vacation, and gave
it back to us 2 weeks later totally thrashed. The carpet was
ruined, upholstery ripped, headliner pulled down, etc. Well,
so much for that idea. So, after we were married, her attempt
to make this van situation "right" was to sneak behind
my back and convince my husband that he should take a cash advance
from our bank card (without discussing it with me) in order to buy
a car she'd found that he could ultimately resell, and make back
the money we never got for the van. It was only $500, but
the manipulation and deception that revolved around this whole plan
is what got me. Why didn't she just put up the $500 and give
us the car, if she wanted to make it right? She certainly
could afford it, but she knew her little behind the scenes game
would cause a rift between my husband and me (which it did, because
he'd kept it from me - at HER request of course!). The next
big problem evolved out of our living situation. We actually
had to live with this woman for a short time due to an unavoidable
situation that befell us. And, in exchange for our staying
with her rent free, she asked us to help her fix up a house she
was trying to sell, and we would then be "even".
We put in days and weeks of honest, hard work and sweat - painting,
wallpapering, clearing debris and weeds from the yards, and countless
other tasks. When it was finally done and on the market, she
claimed she was a little low on cash to pay her bills. And,
since we were now working, she had the nerve to present us with
a bill for past rent, food, and miscellaneous expenses that she
claimed she had coming. She said all our work on the house
was supposed to be reimbursed to us when she finally sold it (not
the original offer, naturally!). What a crock! I knew
she had no intention of ever paying us, nor did I want her money,
because I thought we'd been repaying her "generosity"
with our labor all those weeks. We refused to give her any
money, and she somehow muddled through, but not without endless
sessions of guilt-laying trips on my husband. She would never
allow us any privacy, either. Whether it was when we lived
with her or not, she would somehow always find a way to insinuate
herself into our lives. When we lived with her, we'd go to
bed and usually be in the middle of making love when she'd knock
on the door with some idiotic question like, "Will you want
coffee in the morning?" Or, she'd suddenly need my husband
to move something heavy for her at midnight, etc., etc. It
was always an "urgent" matter of some sort, requiring
my husband's immediate attention. But, it had somehow slipped
her mind earlier in the day. One time (before we lived with
her), she called my husband at 2 am to come and move a mattress
for her or she wouldn't have anywhere to sleep that night.
He drove across town at that ridiculous hour to help her.
Did it occur to her that she could've called him any time that day??
NOOO! She'd wait until she knew we'd be sleeping, or something
else, and then she'd lay her latest "emergency" in his
lap. When we finally got our own place again, she managed
to find a rental just two doors down from us - coincidence?
NOT!! Of course, she found the same lame excuses to drop by
at all hours. One Saturday morning about 7 am, we were trying
to sleep-in a little, and she came pounding on our door hollering
that she needed some toilet paper! She wouldn't leave, even
though we decided not to answer the door. She stayed out there
for at least 15 minutes, pounding on the door, and shouting for
all to hear that she was out of TP!! For God sakes, she could've
gone to the corner store and back 5 times in that 15 minutes.
Her little games never ended, until, finally, she and I weren't
speaking anymore. I just couldn't tolerate her intrusions
at every turn, and my husband didn't have the guts to stand up to
her. We finally divorced, largely due to her interference,
and my husband's lack of a spine.
Signed - Tip Of The Iceberg
RESPONSE: Tip Of The Iceberg
I'm so sorry that your marriage ended. Yes, you had a terrible
MIL, but it is also hard to have a marriage with a man already married
- to his mommy. You are better off without them, but I am
sorry you got hurt.
RESPONSE: Tip Of The Iceberg
Wow you and DH need counseling. And, you need to stop having
your MIL do you any "favors". Otherwise, you'll
end up broke and divorced.
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Worst Gift Stories
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