Mother-In-Law Stories April 26, 2002

April 26, 2002

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	One day, my MIL showed up at my door with a young child that I didn't know my husband had. Her reason for bringing her over was that she felt it was time my husband told me. Signed - Somewhere South RESPONSE: Somewhere South How very "sweet" of your MIL. And, of course, hurting and shocking that you had nothing to do with her actions, right (sarcasm fully intended)? And, how "MUCH" granny must love this little grandchild to just show up at the door and discuss this in front of her. Your MIL's help is something you can live without. I would make that clear to her. Come to the boards, please. I would like to know how you handled it, how your DH did upon finding it out, and how you and DH are doing now. RESPONSE: Somewhere South While I don't agree with you MIL's method, I do agree that you needed to know about the child. Your MIL's motives are not important here. What is important is that you have a stepchild that your DH did not tell you about. This is a very bad thing. Is there something else he has not told you? Your marriage needs some help. RESPONSE: Somewhere South So, are you mad at your MIL, or at your husband? RESPONSE: Somewhere South She should have gone about it a different way, but she was right. Your husband should have let you know that he had a kid long before you were married. RESPONSE: Somewhere South It sounds like you have much bigger problems with your husband than with your MIL. RESPONSE: Somewhere South I'm sorry, but I think you need to blame your DH for that one, and not your MIL. She probably shouldn't have done it that way, but this is a problem with you and your DH. When, exactly, was he planning to tell you?
	My MIL has been on a well known, nationally advertised diet plan for the last 25 years. One day, she was complaining about how she just could not lose any weight. I had been behind her at a fast food drive thru the day before - I guess she did not notice me), where she ordered a large sandwich, large fries, and a large strawberry shake. I blurted out, "I guess your diet planners ought to review their food menus then." MIL gave me an evil eye. I continued, "I am sure fast food is not on their menu." Signed - French Fried MIL
	Worst gift: Worst gift??? What gift?? My MIL has NEVER given me, my husband, or our two children ANYTHING. Not even a card or a telephone call. This goes for birthdays and anniversary's. Even for our wedding, she gave us NOTHING. And, she CAN afford a card, at least. Also, she has never even seen our second child, and she used to live next door! She was always "too busy" or "sick". Or, she had some other excuse as to why she could not see him! Signed - Still Waiting After 15 Years RESPONSE: Still Waiting After 15 Years The good thing is that you don't have to see her or hear from her! I wish I was that lucky!!! RESPONSE: Still Waiting After 15 Years Give up. My MIL is the same way. Life is easier and less painful without her.
	Worst gift: My MIL isn't all bad, for the record. She does things that hurt me and drive me nuts, but she is human after all. The worst gift I ever received from her was not bad in itself, but the meaning behind it was bizarre! It was Christmas 1999. She was all freaking out, calling us and asking if we had an emergency kit ready in case the world comes to an end, or something. We should have plenty of canned goods, bottled water, formula for the baby, yada, yada, yada! Anyway, for Christmas, she handed me and my SIL a big bag. In it was an oil lamp, a bottle of oil, and candles - in case of a blackout! Merry Christmas! Sheesh! Signed - MIL Not So Bad RESPONSE: MIL Not So Bad LOL! Kinda' sweet when you think about it. My MIL would have given me something to make sure I DIDN'T survive the end of the world! LOL! RESPONSE: MIL Not So Bad Okay, the gift is bizarre, and it sounds very funny, but at least she cares that you would be okay in a blackout. I am sure she felt embarrassed after 2000!
	I guess I'll start at the beginning. We (my FH and I) began dating 3 years ago, and I was basically called a tramp because we were left unattended watching a movie in their basement. Fast forward to the year we got engaged (we had been dating for 8 months). It was Christmas, and I was told it wouldn't be appropriate to attend their family festivities. I was an outsider, and would be treated as such. All she would have to do is introduce me, and I would be fine. Two days after Christmas, he popped the question at my parent's house. I, of course, said, "Yes," and we told my parents, and then left to go tell his. His mother turned her head, and walked out of the room yelling, "This is the saddest excuse for moving out of the house I have ever heard." FFIL apologized and welcomed me to the family, but she has never redeemed herself for that. That New Years, I was told that I could come along to a family party if I didn't think it would be too uncomfortable for me. BUT, I would have to remove my ring, and not mention it to anyone - we can do that in due time. Okay, fine, I went, had a great time, and tried not to show my anger, only to find out later that she had told people that we were getting married. AREN"T WE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT? Signed - Trying to Avoid the Control Freak! RESPONSE: Trying to Avoid the Control Freak! Are you sure you want to be pushed around for the rest of your married life? Consider looking at pros and cons, because that stupid MIL of yours will make your life he!!. If you marry him, make sure to set boundaries right away. They should not push you around! RESPONSE: Trying to Avoid the Control Freak! I feel your pain. My advice is to ignore her, and concentrate on your relationship with your husband. The best revenge is for her to see that, despite what she does, you and your husband are doing well together. RESPONSE: Trying to Avoid the Control Freak! I understand your anger at your MIL. She is a she-beast, from the sound of it. But, WHY did your DH agree to her demands at Christmas that you be excluded? I'm sorry, but he set the stage for MIL to think she could disrespect you. And, after he let them cut you out, he came over and asked you to marry him? Well, you're nicer than I am. If it had been me, FDH and I would have hammered out a few things about mommy dearest, and about how I would be treated before I accepted his proposal. But, damage has been done, and you have just learned the lesson all us DILs dealing with she-beasts learn - do not give in to outrageous demands. Don't let them exclude you, and don't take your ring off for them. Your DH has some damage control to do, IMHO. He needs to tell the she-beast that NOTHING disrespectful towards you will come out of her mouth again. Good luck!
	Well , here is an update from "Rather not watch boys". I was trying to mind my own business when my MIL called me and demanded that I seek counseling with her. The problem is that she insists on using whatever counselor she chooses, and she does not want to work on the problem. But, she wants to hear that she is right, and I am wrong. I am sorry, but I feel that everyone is put on this earth for a reason, and just because one child is a youth pastor and the other (DH) a site foreman, it does not mean that one job is more important than the other. Also, she has bluntly told me that she loves her younger son more than DH, because he needs her more, and God made him that way. I told her that I feel that children are conditioned to behave the way you teach them. She got really angry with me, and told me that I was wrong. I really think that I should avoid her at all costs, and just let DH deal with her. My regret, though, is that my children may resent me for keeping them from their grandparents, but they only want to visit them on their terms. I just really have a hard time understanding how a mother (and grandmother) could favor one child over another. Am I being unfair? I just really have a problem with her having her granddaughters every day, because SIL does not work. Also, I do not trust her with my children, because about four months ago, we let the ILs have them for half a day, and my MIL went to the grocery store and left my three year old and five year old in the car alone. I was enraged when I found out, and I asked her if she was crazy, but she acted like I was overreacting. I feel like this is a vicious cycle that will never end. Help! Signed - Rather Not Watch Boys RESPONSE: Rather Not Watch Boys You have every reason to be upset. My MIL took my 11 month old baby for a car ride without a car seat! She made fun of me for overreacting. RESPONSE: Rather Not Watch Boys You are certainly right to be concerned with your MIL watching your kids. Leaving them in the car was completely inappropriate. Maybe her reaction was more of embarrassment? It is also completely unfair of her to show favoritism, but what can you do? My MIL favors her DD's child more than our kids - but our kids are lucky to have other grandparents that more than make up for it (my folks, and some elderly parents). Maybe you can give her another chance at watching the kids, but only for a short amount of time - and only at the house! RESPONSE: Rather Not Watch Boys I am sitting here in SHOCK!!! Your MIL left 2 little children alone in a car??? In THIS day and age??? Just for that reason ALONE, my MIL would NEVER, EVER be alone with my children AGAIN!!! You sound like a nice DIL who is trying to be fair. Well, these are your kids, and if letting MIL endanger them how she wants is MIL's way of grandparenting, then to HE!! with being "fair" to her. You know the other things aren't good for your children's emotional health, but your MIL is STUPID and BULLHEADED enough to endanger their lives?!?! If this had been MY MIL, I would have punched her lights out!! I admire your restraint. But, speaking of restraints - MIL needs them. NO MORE VISITS for Granny!! Come over to the boards. Trust me, you will get all the support you need. RESPONSE: Rather Not Watch Boys Too similar! My SIL also has three girls who are the APPLE of MIL's eye. My two sons from a previous marriage have always been totally ignored at all holidays (until the last year or so when they got a SMALL token of cash. SIL's girls would get so many gifts that you could barely enter the living room on Christmas morning, and my sons have been witness to "the scene". Last year I found out that we were pregnant again, and this time I had a little girl. Baby girl has EVERYTHING a little girl could ever need. I was not allowed to buy anything, which, monetarily, was great, but I did not have the opportunity to pick anything I wanted, either. MIL insisted that no one could watch new baby girl like she could. But, her FIRST day on the job, I got a call at work from the emergency room! It seems that the baby had choked on an antibiotic, and she was transported via ambulance! Baby was fine, but mommy was fuming, especially when I could have beaten the ambulance to the house, and avoided the $350 bill! One week later, MIL spotted me taking the baby for a walk in "the cold night air" (5pm and 45 degrees!), and called my husband IN HIS CLASS to announce that she can no longer baby-sit for this grandchild if I am going to "put her life at risk!". And, then, she quit! Luckily, I had a good friend who was more than willing to watch my daughter on a moment's notice. But, there has been a strain in our relationship since day one because of MIL, and this has almost pushed us over the edge. How hard do I have to bite my tongue?

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