I'M AS BLUE AS HER EYE
SHADOW! I was excited about the idea of having a new MIL,
considering that my first MIL was an alcoholic, and my second was
dead. My new MIL was relatively young, which gave me hope
that we could go shopping and actually be friends. HA!
I must have been dreaming. Instead, I ended up with a MIL
that is no doubt related to Satan himself. She isn't a very
educated person, only completing grade school, I believe, but, as
I came to find out, education and manipulation aren't even related.
Go figure. She is a master manipulator, I give her that.
My happenings with my MIL are too numerous to list. Seriously.
So I will try to make this as brief as possible (which will probably
be no less than 10,000 words, lol). My husband, an only child,
has also been married three times. He has children by his
two former wives. My husband and I now have a daughter together.
My MIL is a very controlling individual. She lives about 3
hours away from us, but it isn't really possible for us to visit
and leave in one day. It usually requires an overnight stay
because we don't want to keep the baby on the road for so long.
To compound my problem, my husband just ignores his mother.
Whenever there is a situation, he always tells me that he and his
dad have overlooked and ignored her for so long that they don't
even pay attention to her anymore. I explained that I cannot
overlook her. He shouldn't expect me too. He said that
he didn't, but, still, he gets huffy whenever I vent to him about
something that she has done. For example, we were supposed
to go to that town, which is both of our hometowns, to see his oldest
son this weekend. I told him that I didn't want to stay at
his mother's for two nights because of the way that she is to me.
He, once again, got a little miffed, and said that he didn't want
to get into that conversation this morning. It is as if he
tries to act as though nothing has happened, and he avoids dealing
with any issues. Well, my friends, I tell you - I cannot.
I have never been around anyone like that before. My mother,
who passed away 14 years ago, was never that way toward any of her
DILs. I had hoped for a MIL like my mother. I don't
think that they exist. I think my mother was a rarity.
I will try to list some of the different things that have occurred
over the past three years (not in sequence of the occurrence though).
Some of these things are just things that irritate me. Oh,
I should mention that, although I am very proud of my upbringing
and where I was born and raised, I do have to say that my MIL is
what some people would call a HOLLER HICK, or a BACKWOODS BOZO.
Take your pick. 1. She repeatedly leaves disposable
razors laying around, even when I have moved them because of my
toddler. One day, my daughter was dipping a razor into a bowl
of water, and sucking the water off of the razor in the kitchen
where my MIL was standing only 3 feet from her. I walked into
the room, and of course, went ballistic. My MIL said that
she didn't even see her doing it. Thank goodness that my daughter
didn't lacerate her tongue or lips. Still, though, that basket
of used razors and that bowl of water remain in the kitchen on a
little end table. The purpose is for them to wash their hands
(why they do not use the sink in the kitchen or the bath is beyond
me). I guess my FIL shaves at this bowl, and my MIL apparently
sharpens her tongue. 2. After my daughter turned 1,
my MIL said that she was surprised that my daughter lived that long.
See, there is no central air in their house. They heat their
house with these old gas heaters in each room. That type of
heat cannot be regulated, it's either on or off. Well, I had
a difficult pregnancy, and developed some health problems.
So, having high blood pressure and being overweight, I naturally
was warmer than anyone else when the heat was on. So, with
the heat blaring when I would visit, I would turn on an oscillating
fan when I was giving my daughter a sponge bath. My MIL kept
saying that the baby was going to catch a cold, and that I was going
to kill her by having that fan on. Let me say this, my daughter
has only had one cold to date, and she will be 3 this year.
3. There has been occasions that we have taken them to dinner.
Their idea of a nice dinner out, though, is a fast food's "all
you can eat bar". We have taken them to much nicer steak
houses and other types of restaurants. Of course, both MIL
and FIL would prefer her jowl bacon over the menu items at these
restaurants. One time, we took them to a Texas-style steak
house. The steak house has peanut shells on the floor from
patrons who eat the free peanuts, and toss them on the floor.
I thought that most steak houses had a western feel such as that,
but I could be wrong. Anyway, upon entering, she said, "Lawd!
They ain't even swept the floor!" So, I explained to
them about the western theme, and the purpose of the peanut shells.
As we were looking over the menu, they whispered back and forth.
I could hear what they were saying. They were discussing the
prices. My husband and I were footing the bill, and told them
to not pay attention to the prices. "Lawd! A hamburger
is $6.00!"! We tried to explain to them that this was
a reasonable price, considering we weren't at a fast food hamburger
restaurant. The bickering went on, until we finally convinced
them to order. Well, being controlling, my MIL told my FIL
when to do just about everything, and how to do it, I might add.
The food came, and my FIL had ordered steak and a baked potato.
My MIL had ordered chicken, green beans, and some other side.
My MIL kept insisting that my FIL take some of her green beans.
He kept insisting that he didn't want any. She caught his
head, turned, and put them on his plate. Then she told him
to eat them. He did. She does this all the time when
they are at home. 4. On my husband's birthday this year
they wanted to take him out to dinner. Guess where?
A fast food "All You Can Eat Bar". So, we went.
We got up to the counter, and my MIL handed them some coupons (cupins,
as she refers to them). And, when we are done ordering, my
MIL told them that she thought that the total wasn't right.
She said that the drinks should come with the bar. The cashier
explained that the coupon stated, "just the bar alone".
Never mind the 15 people in line behind us, she kept arguing with
her. The cashier even showed her the coupon again. To
no avail, my MIL was pitching a fit and demanded to see the manager.
The end result was that we didn't get any free drinks. We
told my FIL that we would pay the difference, or even the whole
meal. It wasn't a big deal to us. Apparently, it was
for her, though. A week later, she called my husband and told
him that she had called the restaurant that following Monday, and
that they were going to comp her those drinks the next time that
she and my FIL came in. Good grief. 5. As for
the phone calls, she calls my husband, oh, let's see, every other
day. Why? Well, it is to see how he is doing.
When the weather turns cold, she has even called me to tell me to
be sure that he wears a coat, because it is going to be cold.
Anyway, she calls and just talks up a storm. Usually, she
gossips about other people. My problem with this is not how
often she calls (although that does irritate me), but when she calls.
It always seems to be after 8pm, when we have a little time alone
together. Always. So, I voiced my opinion about this,
and my husband told her to call before 8 when she calls. Does
she? Well, no. Did you think I was going to say yes?
So, I have repeated to him that this irritates me, but he hasn't
said anything about it again. I am not speaking to her right
now, or I would answer the phone and tell her. 6. Speaking
of phone calls, I had gone to church with my sister one Sunday while
we were in visiting. My husband was at his mother's house
watching the race. I was going to call him to let him know
that I wasn't coming back up there until the race was over.
So I called. She answered and she said, "Is anything
wrong?" Whenever I call back to her house when we are
visiting, she always asks this question. I said, "Well,
no." I was just calling to talk to my husband.
All of a sudden, she started laughing. I asked her what was
so funny. She just said, "Ohhhhh, Lawd!," while
continuing to laugh. And then she said, "Bubby, it's
your wife." So I asked him what was so funny. He
said that he didn't know. When I finally went back there to
pick up my husband, she said that she was laughing over something
my FIL had said, and I told her that he wasn't even in the room
when I had called. Anyway, she turned it around, as if I was
making something out of nothing. Pretty typical. 7.
Another phone related story is that she used to talk to my husband's
second ex quite frequently. Even though they live in different
states, my MIL would call her and then say that it was the ex who
had called her. My MIL was saying things to the ex, such as:
She wished that she and her son had never broken up, and she wished
that they were back together. My MIL didn't know it, but I
had developed a civil relationship with this ex because of the children,
and because my husband and she will probably never get along.
The ex was telling me things that my MIL was saying. Well,
well, well. I told my husband, and we confronted his mother.
Of course she denied it, and said that it was the ex who was saying
things, and who was lying. Even though the ex was remarried,
and had a child with her new hubby, she was still lying, according
to the MIL. Now, I have never done anything to her.
Except for the fact that I haven't hit my husband with any objects,
I haven't cheated on him, I cook everyday, I keep the house clean
- I can't figure it out. My husband experienced the violence
with the first ex. He experienced the cheating with the second.
And he was never accustomed to having a clean home and food cooked
for him daily - except from his mommy. 8. That leads
me to food. My MIL, of course, thinks she is the world's greatest
cook. Rule #1 for her is that if it's not swimming in lard,
it "ain't no count". If she finds out that I have
made my husband a pineapple upside down cake this week, the next
time we go to visit, what does she have fixed? You guessed
it. A pineapple upside down cake! Of course, hers is
topped with meringue, while mine has the brown sugar and butter
mixture with pineapples on top. Anything I fix and she knows
about it, she will fix when we go visit (except the preparation
and the ingredients may differ somewhat). The most common
way that she prepares meat is to boil it. If it isn't in lard,
it's boiled. Chicken, pork and beef - boiled or swimming in
lard. 9. And for food, I started a well known diet plan
at the beginning of the year. I cannot eat most of the things
that she has (or how she prepares it - THANK GOODNESS). So,
one particular weekend, she bought me some bacon because I told
her that I could eat bacon. I thought, "Well, that was
nice." See, I am a genuinely nice person. I could
give references - even my ex husband's still adore me. I am
also forgetful and forgiving. What a nice thing for her to
do. Well, lo and behold, I held in my hand a package of jowl
bacon. Have you ever seen a package of jowl bacon? I
really thought that was something only Granny from The Beverly Hillbillies
fixed. Well, needless to say, that jowl bacon is mostly fat.
I said that too. She said, "Well, it fries up real crispy."
I told her that it was still fat. The package said that it
had 43 grams of fat per serving. I asked her if she was trying
to clog my arteries. This was not an oversight on her part.
Trust me, it was intentional. 10. Now that I have mentioned
my diet plan, I must tell you this little diddy. I gained
about 70 lbs. with my pregnancy, and I was probably about 50 lbs.
heavier than when I married my husband. So, when I started
the plan, she told me that I would never be as "small"
as she is right now. She is a size 12. Even though I
would love to be a size 12, a size 12 is by no means considered
"small". That is the size of the average woman in
the United States. I informed her that I used to be only a
size 5 (of course, that was nearly 20 years ago, but I didn't think
that little piece of info was critical to the conversation).
I did tell her that I wasn't concerned with the size of my clothes,
as long as I felt healthier and felt better about myself.
11. Another restaurant related incident was at a fast food
hamburger restaurant. We happened to have my husband's two
children from his 2nd marriage, and that is where they wanted to
go. So we took them, and the ILs went too. Before entering,
my MIL handed me a card about the size of a credit card. Only
this one was for this FF restaurant. It didn't say anything
on the card, so I had no clue what it was. She told me that
it was a discount card. Did you know that FF restaurants have
discount cards? I suggest you ask for one the next time that
you visit one (LOL). I looked on the back of the card, and
it said "1999". This was in 2001. She said,
"Use this on the meals you buy, so it will save you money."
I told her that I didn't want to use it, that I had no idea what
it was, and that it said "1999" on the back of the card.
So she said that she would use it. She did. Well, she
tried anyway. She handed the cashier the card. The cashier
looked at her as if she were crazy. My MIL informed her what
this card was, and the girl still didn't know. My MIL insisted
on speaking to a manager. When the manager came to the counter,
my MIL handed her the card. She didn't know what it was either.
Needless to say, my MIL didn't receive a discount. I still
don't know what that card was, or what it was originally for. 12.
On the times that we have taken them to eat (whether it be fast
food or a steak house), my MIL tries to stuff as many sodas in her
purse as she can. Why? Because the drinks in the restaurants
are too expensive. She even tried to get me to put some in
my purse. I declined. So a couple of times, she has
removed the drinks from her purse. But there have been many
occasions when she took her drink right into the restaurant.
Am I the only person who thinks this is odd? 13. I have
often wondered if there was something more to my MIL's obsession
with her son. When we visit, she will scratch his back (without
him asking). If he has his shirt off or if he is just standing,
she comes up to him and will put her hand up his shirt and scratch.
She will also try to pick at any pimple or blemish that she may
find. Is this weird? When we go to bed, she will come
into the bedroom and scratch his back before we go to sleep.
In the beginning, I did tell him that I thought that this was weird.
He would just say something like, "Well, you know how mommy
is," and that would be it. I have tried to be subtle
and tell her that I can scratch his back, or something to that effect,
since I was his wife. She will even say things like, "Don't
she ever scratch your back?" 14. Well, do you remember
when M&Ms added the blue M&M to the package? I guess
right before that is when my MIL quit eating M&Ms. Well,
she may still eat them, but she always picks out the blue ones.
Why? Because she said that they were blueberry flavor.
I swear I am not making this up. I explained to her that only
the shell was blue, and that they all tasted the same - CHOCOLATE.
She refuses to believe this. Blue M&Ms are blueberry flavored.
I must make a note to email the Mars company about this discovery,
so that they can be sure to inform the public by putting that on
the packaging. WARNING: THESE M&Ms MAY CONTAIN PEANUTS,
AND THE BLUE ONES ARE REALLY BLUEBERRY FLAVORED! 15.
My husband has tried to quit smoking several times. Each time,
he has told his mom. His mom and dad smoke like freight trains.
Seriously. And they smoke the cheapest cigarettes, which in
my opinion, smell the worst. Now I am a former smoker, so
I do not mind so much that he smokes (because I once was there myself).
I wish he would quit. But how can he? Each time he tries
and then we go in to visit his mother, she buys him a carton of
cigarettes. We both have told her that he is trying to quit,
but she keeps on. I don't think that she wants him to, regardless
of what she says. I quit almost 2 years ago (I didn't smoke
during my pregnancy either), and still, to this day, she will ask,
"Ain't you had a cigarette yet?" "Don't cha
want one?" 16. My MIL and I do have something in
common - both of our mothers are dead. I was 22 when my mother
died. My MIL's mother died about 8 years ago when my MIL was
about 45. Now, I know that a death of this magnitude is painful,
regardless of your age, but she goes on about how much she misses
her mother. I will say that I understand, and she says, "No,
no one knows." I remind her that I, too, lost my mother.
Her father, who is 79, has remarried. She cannot get over
the fact that her mother is gone, and that her father's life is
going on. So, she hates his new wife. I mean HATES.
Why? Because she is married to her daddy, that's why.
Duh. The same reason, I guess, that she hates her son's current
wife. Now if I were an ex, she would suck up to me.
17. That leads me to the last thing I will list in this short
list of things that have happened. Like I said, there are
many more, but I am only listing the ones that have crept back to
my memory that I haven't completely blocked out. My MIL's
father was recently in the hospital. My husband and I live
in one of the largest cities in our state, and this is where most
people come for surgery and such (because of the reputation).
Before he came to our town to go to the hospital, he had visited
a local hospital near his home, because he was having chest pains.
One of my MIL's sisters called to tell her of the pain, and she
went ballistic!!! She got off the phone and was hysterical.
We happened to have been there. Oh joy. We didn't know
what was wrong. She was crying and screaming. I knew
it. Her father had died. I just knew. Well, my
heart went out to her, because my father died 6 years ago, on my
birthday. I was parentless too. She ran to my husband
(not hers), and clung to him with all her might! All the while,
she was screaming and crying. When we got her settled down,
she said that her dad had a heart attack. A heart attack.
Well thank goodness he was not dead, but this was still serious.
Anyway, to cut to the chase - he didn't have a heart attack.
Her sister had told her that their dad had chest pains, and he might
be having trouble with his heart. Sometimes my hearing is
a little fuzzy, but I am telling you, this woman lives in her own
world. Anyway, her father came to this town for surgery to
unblock a clogged artery. Her dad had stated he really didn't
want any of his kids to come down because of a couple of different
reasons. One reason was that most of the kids do not like
his current wife at all. The second was because most of the
kids cannot get along with each other. He just didn't want
to be bothered. My MIL was calling everyday to get a report
on how he was doing. We, of course, were going to the hospital
every evening. I told my husband that I was not reporting
back to her anything that his current wife said - that's all she
wanted to know anyway. Plus, she was calling the hospital
herself to get a report on him. When she would call, she'd
complain about how she wished she could be there for her daddy,
but she had many excuses. Her husband isn't the driver he
used to be; their truck needs to be fixed and it might not make
it down there, one after another. I felt sorry for her.
Yep, I did. So I tried to comfort her. I told her that
it was ok, that she didn't need to come here to see him, that he
would be home in a few days, and that she could spend as much time
as she wanted with him. That's what I said. Is that
what she heard though? Well, no. I talked to her the
next day, and she said that her husband said that if it were one
of my family members, I would want to be there. I said that
I didn't tell her she couldn't come. I was trying to comfort
her because she said that she couldn't come. Anyway, my words
were severely twisted. It upset me a lot. I told her
that, too. I also told her that I didn't want my name mentioned
in any conversation, and that I didn't want to be a part of "who
said what" about anything. I don't want to hear or speak
gossip. She, of course, got huffy, and said that there was
no reason for me to act this way, and that she has always been good
to me (and, that I knew that, too). Is that something else
that I have blocked out? How "good" she has been
to me? Anyway, to make a long story short (ha, ha, that's
a joke), those are some of the things that have occurred that I
can remember, and that irritate me. I would appreciate any
feedback, opinions, ideas, suggestions, or any words of wisdom that
you have to offer. Now, I must take my antidepressant.
Good thing that I don't drink, or I would be an alcoholic.
Help me!!!
Signed - I'm A Good Hearted
Woman In Love With A Good Man With A Wacky Mom
RESPONSE: I'm A Good Hearted Woman In Love With A Good
Man With A Wacky Mom
Your MIL sounds a lot like my former MIL. If she is, things
only get worse with time.
RESPONSE: I'm A Good Hearted Woman In Love With A Good
Man With A Wacky Mom
Your DH is such a mama's boy! I would have wondered when I
knew I would be #3. Yes, your MIL is a little nuts.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO VISIT HER! YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER THE
PHONE! Get an answering machine. As far as her daddy
being in the hospital, it was not YOUR place to tell her not to
come up there. It was DH's or her daddy's. As far as
restaurants go - while I realize her manners are not good (like
when she was complaining about prices and peanuts), you are wrong
about going to her kind of restaurants. DON'T GO! AND,
DON'T TAKE HER ANYWHERE AGAIN! And, bring your own food to
her home if you don't like the way she cooks. IT is HER health,
not yours. Again, DO NOT stay in her home.
RESPONSE: I'm A Good Hearted Woman In Love With A Good
Man With A Wacky Mom
Wow! Were your first two husbands' families this bad?
If so, you don't do a very good job of picking men. Your DH
MUST stand up to his mommy now, and lay down the law. If he
is unable to admit that his mom is awful and needs help, then get
your DH some help. Ignoring the woman is doing no good to
anyone. Otherwise, it sounds as if you two are headed to divorce
#4. Next time you visit the hometown, you should consider
staying in a hotel. Also, when the ILs give DH a carton, just
leave the carton on their table and say nothing.
RESPONSE: I'm A Good Hearted Woman In Love With A Good
Man With A Wacky Mom
First off, you DO have a pain for a MIL, from the sound of it.
But, we try to tell it as we see it here, and the feelings I got
from reading your post are: A) It sounds like you eat
out way too often with these in-laws. She sounds like a pretty
harmless embarrassment - as some of the MILs are verbally abusive
to restaurant staff. So, I just wouldn't take her out (if
she was my MIL). If you take her out occasionally - like 2
times a year - then why not go to the fast-food all-you-can-eat
places, since it pleases her so much? I don't know why some
folks just HAVE to eat at those places, but I go where I want with
my DH, then go where my in-laws want a couple of times a year.
B) FIL is her husband. Let how she talks and acts with him
go. You will just stress about how she treats him. We
DILs don't like it when MILs interfere in our marriages. Make
sure that you don't make the same mistake in theirs. I know
it is because she is embarrassing in public - but, like I said,
then just don't take them out. C) Quit eating at their
house. My MIL is not a good cook. I learned to eat something
before I get there, this way I am not starving. Then, I eat
what I can. My DH liked that idea so much (he also doesn't
care for her cooking) that he now does it too. Or, we plead
ignorance - we didn't know she was going to cook (if she didn't
say), and we tell her that we already ate. D) Don't
go over to eat when you are dieting. E) I'm sorry -
but MIL is not the reason your DH hasn't quit smoking. It
doesn't matter how many cartons of cigarettes they give him - he
doesn't have to smoke them. Use the trick many DILs use in
a case like that - make sure you tell MIL you will throw them out
or give them away. If she insists on giving them, do it.
Then, tell her. I'll bet she'll stop. F) Use their
smoking and refusal to childproof as a reason to not go to their
house - to stay or to visit. We usually just offer to meet
the in-laws for dessert and coffee - our treat. Then, we don't
end up at a buffet (where I eat too much!). The visit is blessedly
short, and restaurant ventilation helps keep the smoke from my little
one. G) Don't give MIL ammunition by "chatting"
with her. I did that, and then all the gossip MIL could say
was, "DIL never tells me ANYthing! I don't know WHAT
is going on! I don't know WHY she won't talk to me (Imagine
all that with a whiny voice)" She knows - we told her.
I am sure you ARE upset, and your MIL is a royal pain. But,
I think you and DH are borrowing a little of the trouble.
Just let some of her wackier stuff go, and save yourself the stress.
I would, however, concentrate on the dangers to your child around
MIL's house. That has got to stop. Good luck.
I can see why she drives you batty. Hang in there.
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