I'm hoping you can help
me. My FMIL is the most selfish, manipulative person I have
ever met, and although I love my fiancé, she is so in our
business. Would I be wiser to walk away? They will always
choose their mothers over us, they have been trained by them since
birth. She told me yesterday that we should all live together,
that would be the evil one, her 2 sons (one of whom is very sick),
and me. We (she and I) had a huge fight, and my fiancé
doesn't know. She is so into our business that I don't think
I can handle it. She's divorced, and has used my beau as her
husband. I don't know how he will ever be able to have his
own life. I know he is to blame as well, but I am stuck.
I love him, but can't stand her. Should I run?
Signed - Should I Run?
RESPONSE: Should I Run?
Your FMIL is in your business because FH put her there. In
marriage, you must come before his need to please his mother.
If this is not the situation, what makes you think he will be strong
for you on any future issues? He's not seriously considering
moving in with her???
RESPONSE: Should I Run?
Yes!
RESPONSE: Should I Run?
First, do not do anything hasty. Sit down and think things
out. Do you really love him? If so, don't run.
First, try to speak with him. Sit down and write a nice long
comprehensive list of all FMIL's behaviors and words. Then,
sit down with your fiancé and let him read the list.
Tell him that, while you love him and wish to spend the rest of
your life with him, you cannot do this under the present conditions.
Tell him that, while you have no desire for him to detach himself
from his family, you are marrying HIM, and not his mother.
Tell him the truth - that her interference and bad behavior towards
you is unacceptable. Unless she can promise that he will put
a stop to this and not let his mother control your lives, you will
not marry him. If he agrees, wait for action. If things
continue on as they have been, then run.
RESPONSE: Should I Run?
Unfortunately, none of us can give you an answer to that question.
You have already gotten a glimpse of how bad it might be.
You are already wondering if love is enough, and if you should walk
away. For those 2 reasons, I would weigh your decision very
carefully. If I were in your position, knowing then what I
know now after 10 years of MIL problems, I would do this:
Sit your DF down and have a talk. Tell him of the fight, and
that you foresee more. Tell him that you love him, but that
you don't know whether the 2 of you will ever be able to have a
happy marriage because of the problems you are already seeing.
Then, tell him that you want the two of you to go through premarital
counseling before making any more decisions about a future life
together (my DH and I did this for dealing with his EX, and my becoming
a step-mom). I found that it really helped. I just wish
I had known then about the in-law troubles - I would have included
all that in the counseling too. If your FDH refuses to go
- RUN!
RESPONSE: Should I Run?
Look, it's true what they say about marrying the family. Put
aside any dreams of "rescuing" your fiancé from
his evil mother. After the marriage, she'll be a part of your
life, whether you like it or not. If you can live with her
- great. If it's too difficult now, it won't get any easier
later on.
RESPONSE: Should I Run?
Is she very old, or sickly?
RESPONSE: Should I Run?
RUN!!!! As fast as you can!!
When DH and I decided
to marry, my own mom had just passed away a few months earlier,
and I was only 21. I wanted a very simple ceremony (some afternoon
at the Justice of the Peace), and we made this clear. I was
still kind of in a shocked haze over my mother's death, even though
she had been very ill for a long time. My DH was getting a
new job in another state, and we just wanted to make our union legal.
DH called his mom, and she called everyone she could and organized
the whole family to come down, on a week's notice, to where we lived.
This turned our plans for a simple ceremony on their head!
We didn't have enough money for much of a wedding at that time,
and I didn't want to ask my dad for the money. Once his whole
family was coming down, then I had to invite my siblings, too.
It just wasn't what seemed suitable at the time. The whole
thing turned out to look like trash, but I guess it is not my place
to be mad about that - but it still frustrates me. I set the
wedding date for a Sunday, to accommodate everyone, and then MIL
said, "No, Saturday would be better." Okay, so the
wedding was on Saturday. I set the wedding for 2 PM, and then
I heard DH on the phone with his mom, saying that noon will be okay.
It seems that she was of the opinion that it would be thoughtless
of me to make everyone wait around until 2. I told him that
he'd better call her back and say that the wedding stays at 2.
He laughed at me, and said that I was being stubborn, but he did
it. The day before MIL flew down, she called DH and cried
to him that she hoped he was not "making a BIG mistake"
by marrying me, and that it was not too late to change his mind.
DH told her firmly that he was not making a mistake. MIL cried
and wailed, and DH was touched, because he thought she cared about
him SOOOOOOOOO much. She wailed that she just didn't want
him to make the mistakes she did. UGH! Friday night,
everyone flew into town. BIL (THE GREAT ONE) and his wife
(MOTHER EARTH) were the first to arrive. MOTHER EARTH was
speechless at seeing me, and stared, open mouthed, at me as BIL
and DH gabbed at each other. No introductions were made.
I said hello to MOTHER EARTH, but she just continued to stare at
me with an mouth open. I began to wonder if a tooth had just
emerged from my forehead. We went out to dinner, and SIL was
upset to find out that I was only 21 (DH was 32). Then, we
went to the airport to pick up MIL. She made a big show of
hugging me and saying how she welcomed me to the faaaaamily (when,
in fact, I KNOW that she spent the previous night saying anything
but)! Then, in the ladies room, as I came out of the stall
to wash my hands, MIL and SIL both shut up really quickly and stood
there staring at me in unison. I got the creeps! The
GREAT ONE then rented a luxury car, which his mother has never forgotten.
For over ten years, she has gushed, giggled, and squirmed over this.
She delights in recalling and savoring the memory of that rental
car experience. If we bring up our wedding, MIL giggles and
gushes, "Remember how the 'GREAT ONE' rented a Cadillac at
your wedding? OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH! Ho-ho! GIGGLE,
GIGGLE, GIGGLE!" We went to pick up the rest of the faaaamily
load at the airport. BIL wouldn't accept that DH really knew
what he was talking about regarding the flight schedule, so he had
to go look for himself. He and DH got out of the car to go
into the terminal. I got out of the car in a frantic effort
to avoid being left behind with these two women, who kept staring
at me like I was an oddity. BIL pushed me back and said, "Get
back in the car. DH does not need you to follow him around
everywhere." DH conveniently did not see this.
I was steamed! Then, the rest of the flock came in.
They all stood grouped around DH, doing their huggy-huggy thing,
mostly with the GREAT ONE, because he lives in another state from
them. They paid some attention to DH as well, never taking
their eyes off the GREAT ONE. I was off to the side, waiting
to be introduced by SOMEONE. One of his nieces came over and
said, "Oh, so YOU'RE the girl." Everyone got into
the car. We went to the rental car place so they could rent
a van. Then, they pulled up alongside my 1970 Chevy Impala,
my college car that I worked hard to pay for, and said, "Boy,
we can sure tell that is NOT a rental car! Why are you driving
around in such a heap anyway?" I was steamed. DH
said it was a "term of endearment". I said that
they didn't know me well enough for that. He said the phrase
I came to hate, "You are being too sensitive." The
next day, the Justice of the Peace took one look at the group, and
made a LONG sermon about, "Don't let your in-laws break up
your marriage" . MIL had to corner him after it and gush
about what a beautiful speech it was. I wondered: Did
she really HEAR any of it? After the ceremony, MIL and BIL
insisted that we ride in the Cadillac, instead of in my car.
She giggled, "You don't want to ride in that heap on your wedding
day, do you?" The person assigned to drive my car kept
hot rodding it. My mother's china was in the trunk, and I
was furious with everyone for their pushy ways, and for my DH guilting
me into passivity. At the wedding reception, they made fun
of the motel and the reception room. They brought a bag of
paper plates, napkins, and plastic silverware, and got their feathers
ruffled when I brought my mother's china out of the car. They
said that they wouldn't have bought the paper plates if they knew
we had thought far enough ahead to bring dishes, silverware, and
napkins. They acted hurt, and made a big deal about the receipt
(and worried if they could get their money back). WHY WOULD
THEY THINK THAT I would not think to bring dishes to a party where
cake is served? Then, they took more pictures. There
is one of the faaaamily women, where MIL is sitting in the middle
in a chair and all the women are around her. They stood me
off to the side. Okay. And, on my wedding night, when
we HAD to stay over at their motel and talk until 2 AM, SIL asked
me why in the world I wanted to marry DH. Then MIL said, "Really!
So WHY did you?" They laughed, and said that they thought
no woman would ever want to marry DH. BIL turned on the TV
and saw what he called "A babe", and informed me that
he bets my DH wishes he was "with that"! The next
day, DH and I had planned to go to the State Fair. We had
planned this for months, even before the wedding, and it seemed
a great way to celebrate. We made it clear to everyone before
they came down. We made it clear that, if they wanted to join
us, they were welcomed to, but we were leaving at 8 am. It
would take over an hour to drive to the city where the State Fair
was. Well, everyone except us slept until 10 AM, and then
they HAD to have a restaurant breakfast. That took two hours
(why couldn't we just grab fast food on the way, since they got
started late?). Then, someone needed something from a store.
That took another hour. Then, we started out for the city.
DH informed me that his brother wanted to see a famous landmark.
I got mad and said that there was no time. If we did that,
we wouldn't be able to get a parking place at the State Fair.
He said, "I tried to tell them that, but they insisted.
What can I do?" Oh, I was mad! We got to the landmark,
and spent two hours there. Then, we drove to the State Fair
- and, you guessed it, there were no parking places! BIL shrugged,
looked at me, laughed, and said, "Oops, sorry."
Yea, like sorry made up for RUINING the small honeymoon that we
WANTED to have. This was just the first of this type of cr@p
from this bunch. Then, we got back on the freeway so we could
haul them back to the airport. None of them were used to this
city's freeways. DH and BIL conversed about the freeways,
and DH knew how to get to the airport from the map (after looking
at it). BIL didn't believe him. He pushed him and said,
"Just get in the car and DRIVE!" I was so mad.
I kept telling DH to just turn around and head for our apartment,
and let them find their own way back to the airport. DH said,
"Oh no, I can't do that to them. They came all the way
down here to be with me because they really care about me."
UGH! Then, we stopped at a mall to kill time (the time that
would have been spent having a great time at the State Fair, if
we had gotten there in time to get a parking place!). Hanging
out at a mall was not my idea of a great place to celebrate the
day after my wedding! BIL and SIL sat us down, and wanted
to know how soon we were going to procreate. DH blushed, and
laughed nervously. He asked, "Should you tell them, or
should I?" SIL shouted with joy and gushed, "Don't
tell me! You're PREGNANT!" SIL and BIL were crackling
with electric joy for a few brief moments, and then we calmed them
down and told them we weren't planning to have children at all.
Dead silence. They both looked at each other, and then to
us. And then they shouted in unison, "WHAT? NO
CHILDREN?" Their voices were rich with indignation and
disapproval. They fixed me with their gaze, "What is
the matter? Don't YOU like children?" They got
mad, at first. They have blessed the world with four, and
they think that everyone should too. Then, they relaxed and
said, "Within five years, you will be pregnant."
It has been over ten now, and we have proven them wrong. Now,
SIL thinks I need to have my tubes tied ,because she is afraid my
DH is the one who will get a vasectomy, and she has strong feelings
about men doing that. She thinks it is wrong for a woman to
ask a man to do that. DH said to me, years later, that he
lived in dead fear that once I met his faaaamily, I would fall out
of love with him and run away.
Signed - I Have Never
Been More Happy To See A Group Of People Get On A Plane!
RESPONSE: I Have Never Been More
Happy To See A Group Of People Get On A Plane!
Your posts are always so funny!! But, why would you marry
a man who would allow you to be run over in this way? It sounds
like your wedding day was kind of cr@ppy - he should have done more.
RESPONSE: I Have Never Been More Happy To See A Group
Of People Get On A Plane!
What a bunch of @ssholes. And your BOYFRIEND (then husband)
was the biggest one of all. I feel sorry for you! I
hope you don't have anything to do with any of them!
RESPONSE: I Have Never Been More Happy To See A Group
Of People Get On A Plane!
In your story today, I saw what my life would have been if my dear
MIL hadn't decided to have nothing to do with us. You deserve
an award for not going on a killing spree. Why is it that
the people who profess to love you the most, can cause you the most
pain? Will we ever be able to educate the know-it-alls?
Congrats on keeping your sanity - I don't know how you do it!
RESPONSE: I Have Never Been More Happy To See A Group
Of People Get On A Plane!
Well, if he was afraid that you would see his family and run, he
sure didn't do much to stop you!! In fact, he did NOTHING!!
I'm sorry to have to say this, but your in-laws are only half of
your problem. The other half is a DH, who has no spine when
his faaaamily starts on him. My advice is to get the 2 of
you into counseling NOW, avoid the in-laws like the plague they
are, and tell your DH that if he ever says that YOU are too sensitive
(or some such demeaning thing to you again - after saying he was
worried you would run if you saw his family), then you are going
to get a spine (which HE doesn't have) and go home alone.
If, and when, he manages to get a spine, and quit blaming his problems
with his family on you, then he can join you.
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