Mother-In-Law Stories
May 9, 2002
Responses To:
A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In


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I have a problem with my in-laws, and I don't know how to handle it.  I know I'm the one with a problem, not them.  My in-laws are truly wonderful people who anyone would love.  But, the sad thing is they don't love me.  I made the mistake of falling in love with their first born son, and they have never forgiven me for getting married to him.  I can not give too many details out of fear of being found out.  I have caused enough grief between my DH and his parents, and would hate for him or them to see this.  We both came from upper-middle class families, and the same kind of backgrounds.  We have high morals, and have high goals for ourselves and our children.  We own our own home, and we are not in debt in any way.  I stay at home with our children, while my DH has a high paying job.  Our world revolves around our children and each other.  We love each other so much, and love to bring smiles to each other.  Even with all of this, I'm not good enough for his family.  I have been told many times to leave their DS, and go crawl in the trash that I came from.  Not in those words, but you get the idea.  It hurts DH to have his family treat me this way, but they do it anyway.  And, of course, they are smart enough not to do any of these wrongs in front of him.  So, at times, I think I overreact to everything.  Here are some of the things they have done to me in the past:  Before we had children, they would call, out of the blue, to ask that I not have children with DH, because I would not be a good mother, nor would I love my children.  When we did have children, they always questioned if they where DH's or not (they all look just like him).  When they visit, they give gifts to everyone but me.  And, if they do remember me, it is something for someone else (like a toy for the cat, or expired candy).  They praise everyone, but they say, "Are you still here?"  They even treat my BIL's weekly girlfriend like gold, but they tell her (in front of me) that they would love to have a DIL someday.  My DH and I have been married for over 10 years.  Also, this is DH's house, and not mine.  If I want to continue to live here, then I better be like June Cleaver (their words, not DH's).  And, my name is on the house papers, so it is my house too.  They even have tried to break us apart with lies on how I abuse our children (which the children tell their dad are lies), and how I cheat on him (with 5 children, where do I find the time?).  Once, they even tried to give me food poisoning so that I couldn't go to a wedding.  But, it backfired when DH ate the food instead of me.  So, DH got very ill, and it was my fault (since the food was meant for me).  Now, don't get me wrong, I do love these people because they raised a wonderful son who is very good to me and our children.  DH helps out every day with all household chores and the kids.  But, this upsets my in-laws, since this is my job, not his.  DH tells them that it is his house and kids too, and that he wants to do these things, because it is his family that he is taking care of.  But, in my in-law's eyes, I have failed my DH, since I MAKE him do this.  I don't make him, he just does what needs to be done.  And, with 5 kids, I need help at times.  Now, here is my problem:  Last summer, his folks came out to visit us and see their grandchildren.  I joke that when they come out to see us, they come to visit with DH, spoil their grandkids, and torment me.  Well, that last time was so true.  DH was at work, and my in-laws where cleaning my house (since I "wouldn't do it").  My house was cleaned before they came, and it was spotless.  But, it wasn't good enough for their son, or so they said.  I tried to ask them not to do this, and to let me re-clean it for them.  MY FIL jumped in my face, nose to nose, and screamed at me that I was a F&%$*@& waste, and that I should just get the F*&% out of here!  I was so frightened that I left with all my kids.  I was scared that he would hit, since he was so much in a rage.  He said a whole lot more, but you get the idea.  Well, when DH got home, he asked where I was, and where his kids where.  Well, FIL said that I attacked him, and drove off in a rage.  My DH knew that this wasn't like me at all, so he found me at a friend's house, hysterical with fear.  I told him that I would bring him the kids so that they could visit with their grandparents (since DH was there), but I would stay away until they left.  My in-laws hate me, but they would never hurt their grandchildren in any way.  I met my DH at safe place, away from my home, and gave him the kids.  DH begged me to come home with him and work things out, but I was too scared to do that.  So, he left and I went back to stay at my friend's home.  Hours later, DH called me and told me, in no uncertain terms, to get my backside home now!  I went home, against my better judgment, and found my in-laws gone.  DH had told them that if they could not treat me in a respectful way, they would have to leave.  Since FIL drove me out of my house in fear, then they would no longer be welcome in his home.  He drove them to a hotel, and told them to get on a plane and leave.  My in-laws have not spoken to me since.  Well, we are going to visit them this summer, since we had a new baby, and DH doesn't want them to come here (ever).  How do I act after all of this?  How do I get over myself and walk into their home like nothing happened?  Do I trust them not to do this again?  I'm so scared that they will cross the line and drive DH away from me.  I want my DH and children to have their family in their lives, even though I'm not welcome in that family.  My older kids resent their grandparents for they way they have treated me, and they want to protect me while we are there.  This is the first time they ever saw violence in the home, and they don't want it to happen again.  My DH says that this is their last chance to act like family, or he is through with them.  I'm his wife, and they need to understand that (or he won't be their son anymore).  Please, give me advice on how to handle this.  I'm just so ashamed of myself for running out in fear over this.  How do I act?  I'm so worried about this that I have nightmares, where I wake up crying.  I get so sick when I think about it.  I'm such a horrible person to be this way, and I do want to heal this.  What a mess this all is.  If DH knew how badly I felt, he would cancel everything, and that would just make me feel worse.  I have caused so much discord among his family already.  I just wish my in-laws could see how much I love and adore their son.  I would never hurt him.  Please don't flame me, as I know that I'm one with the problem, not them.         Signed - A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In YOU ARE NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!! RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In As far as I can tell, the only problem you have is low self esteem, and a resultant lack of spine.  Your in-laws, on the other hand, are crazed.  My only suggestion, if you insist on going (I wouldn't!), is that you stay in a hotel, *NOT* at the in-laws' place.  And you should let your husband know ahead of time that at the first nasty word or act, whether he sees it or not, you are packing the kids up in the car and leaving.  If he can't back you up on this, personally, I'd see a lawyer.  But it sounds like he's starting to figure out that his folks are loon-toons.  Anyway, get it through your head that they hate you because they're hateful, spiteful people, not because of anything you've done.  And *REFUSE* to be treated badly, or to let your children see you be treated badly. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In I am very saddened by your story, and more saddened to see that you feel it's your fault that there is discord between your husband and his parents.  You have done NOTHING wrong.  Some people are mean and hurtful for whatever reason, and there is nothing you can do about this.  You cannot change them.  Please be grateful that your husband is standing up for you, as well he SHOULD, because not all of them do that.  If I were you, I would just concentrate on my husband and kids.  And don't worry about pleasing them because it will never happen.  Please see it as THEIR problem.  You are NOT the problem!!  I hope that you can come to terms and accept the situation, and then figure out just how you need to deal with it.  That should be between you and your husband.  AND if it comes to the point that your husband decides to "cut them off", then go with it.  The most important thing is your relationship with him and your children.  DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!  YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!! RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In Oh my gosh, how ON EARTH can you be so nice to these people???  It is not your problem, it is THEIR problem!  I have put up with a lot of garbage in my day, but if anyone tried to give me food poisoning, I would never, ever be around them again.  I think you should tell DH to cancel the trip and be done with these rotten, awful, hateful people.  And I'd never feel guilty about it.  They will hurt you again, no doubt about it. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In I am so sorry to see what you have let these horrible people do to your self esteem.  THIS IS IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT.  They are the ones with the problem, not you.  The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can get on with your life.  You should not go visit them or speak to them as long as they hold this ridiculous hostility toward you.  They owe you a huge apology, not just for the anger your FIL showed toward you in front of your children, but for all the years of abuse they have put you through.  You need to toughen up and stand up for yourself.  These people have no control over you or your life, and you are lucky to have a husband who will stand up for you.  & These people are not your family.  Family does not treat each other that way.  Your husband and children are your family, and should be your only concern.  It is not worth it to stress over them because when you do, you let them win.  You may want to also consider some professional counseling to help you deal with these feelings of everything being your fault.  This is not your fault.  The only thing you are guilty of is loving your husband and children, and trying to take care of them.  The last time I checked, that was the definition of a good wife.  So let them go and move on - you will feel so much better when you do. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In Lady, you need a backbone!  You are not in anyway at fault for all this.  If you go to their house, enjoy the fact that they don't want you there.  You are making them as miserable as they are making you - only they react with anger, and you with hurt.  I used to be the same, but I started enjoying the idea that my ILs are as uncomfortable around me, as I am around them.  Your husband sounds wonderfully supportive - go with that.  The ILs should never disrespect you in front of your children, and in your own house!  Had my FIL yelled at me, I would have thrown him out, then and there.  You give them control over you when you run and back down.  Stand your ground.  God created all of us as equals.  There is no way you should feel that you have to bow down to these people to make them like you.  Accept what you cannot change, and do not live in fear.  Make the best out of the worst situations.  Life is what YOU make it. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In Please stop thinking that you are the one with the problem.  You have done nothing to deserve your in-law's abuse and disrespect.  You are fortunate that your husband takes your side, as most refuse to acknowledge that there is a problem.  Avoid these people at all costs, as they are effecting you terribly.  You have a wonderful life with your husband and children.  Let that be enough for you.  God Bless! RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In I am really sorry you had to go through that.  My advice is not to visit.  They sound evil.  If you feel compelled, then make sure your DH does not leave you alone with them. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In I do not know what to say.  I can't understand HOW you feel that this is YOUR fault.  Somehow your self-worth has been completely broken down.  It sounds like your husband stands by you, but I'm sorry, your in-laws are TOXIC people.  I would never trust people who would purposely give me food poisoning!  Honestly, you need to stay away from these people, for the sake of your family and your marriage.  Most importantly, do it for the sake of your own mental health. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM HERE!  So just get that out of your head right now.  It is not your fault that your ILs are so insecure and nasty.  I know, because I've been through the exact same thing.  If they want to clean next time, bring out all of your supplies and tell them to go to town.  And say that you'll be giving them the white glove treatment when they are through.  I am delighted that your husband had the backbone to tell them this behavior is unacceptable, and will never be tolerated.  Go to their home and hold your head up.  You did nothing wrong, and your husband backs you up.  No one can make you feel inferior.  Remember that those with true class know how to treat people properly.  You have nothing to fear.  You have the control now, as they know they screwed up.  Your marriage is still very much in tact, if not more so after this incident.  And you and your husband can decide if and when they see YOUR kids.  Not to worry, you've got them right where you want them - far away.  And they don't know what you'll do next. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In YOU are NOT the one with the problem!  They are NOT lovely people!  They are evil, violent scum, and it's just as well that your husband knows it.  Stop thinking like a victim - go for counseling and assertiveness training.  You will see that they are ENTIRELY to blame.  You are talking like the victim of abuse that you are, and seeing yourself as being to blame (instead of blaming the abusers).  Break this cycle.  It will take time, but it has to be done.  Do NOT visit them.  Stay at home if you have to.  Stay away from them and their evil behavior.  Good luck. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In I am sorry to disappoint you, but you are not the problem, THEY ARE.  Your husband has his head screwed on right.  LISTEN TO HIM.  Do not go there feeling guilty.  Your only crime has been to be a good wife and mother.  Your ILs have behaved atrociously!!  Start holding your head up high.  Repeat to yourself 50 times a day,  "I am a good woman.  I am a loving wife and mother.  My husband and my children are happy, love me, and respect me.  I live a worthwhile life, and am faithful to my loved ones." RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In I wish I could give you a hug.  You sound like you need one.  It also sounds as though you are clinically depressed.  When suffering from this, you often feel as though you are worthless and in the wrong.  YOU ARE NOT.  They are wrong, rude, violent, and very low class.  Good people do not come into someone else's house and threaten them.  Your husband dealt with it as he should have done - he threw them out.  Doesn't that tell you that he knows who is worthless, and who isn't?  It sounds as though you have the love of a good man, and therefore you need to realize that he wouldn't love you if you weren't a good person yourself.  Your husband is good in spite of his parents, not because of them.  You sound like a lovely person, a good mother, and good wife.  Don't let anyone put you down and tell you otherwise.  If you go to their house, and your FIL threatens you again, gather your children, and walk away.  Don't look back, and smile while you are doing it.  You husband says this is their last chance, and you should make it that way.  I wish you all the luck in the world.  If these people don't know how lucky they are to know you, then they are worthless. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In You need to stop blaming yourself for this.  It is not you who has the problem, its your in-laws, for goodness sake!  People who treat others as they have treated you, are not people you want to have in your life.  Your children have got your in-laws taped.  They know that they are horrible, awful people, and they don't want to see them threaten or hurt their mother.  Your husband has told them to treat you with respect or they'll be cut off.  So will you please stop taking responsibility for your in-law's actions, and cut yourself some slack.  It's not your fault!  You don't need to get over your feelings of fear and loathing of these animals.  Anyone would have been scared in the situation that you described!  I'd have had the police out, and a restraining order slapped on them so fast that their heads would spin.  Your husband is lucky not to be married to me.  But at least you have the support of your husband at long last.  He was way too long in taking action, in my opinion.  But it's good to see he grew a spine in the end.  As far as taking a trip to see them with a new baby, the devil would be selling ice cream before I got on a plane to go to their house.  I'll say it again - you are not a rotten DIL, but boy are they rotten in-laws!  Your kids don't need to see and hear this behavior from their grandparents.  I don't think it's fair of your husband to want you to put yourself and your kids in that situation.  If you do go, make sure you stay at a hotel, and meet up in a safe place.  And your husband is to promise you, on his life, that you will not be left alone with them for one single second!  If it were me and DH let me down on this, his bags would be packed in a heartbeat.  Once more, you are not the problem.  You don't need to feel badly about all this - it's not your fault! RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In You better get some back bone.  They don't respect you because you do not demand it.  You are so lucky that your husband sees them for the true monsters that they are.  People only do to you what you allow them to do.  Stand up for yourself RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In What have you done that is so wrong?  It doesn't sound like you did anything, except to exist.  Yet they do all these terrible things to you.  Honestly, they treat you like this because you allow it.  They even have you convinced you that you are bad and wrong.  That is exactly their plan, because they know how to play you.  Toughen up, stand up for yourself.  And if I were you, after all this, I WOULD NEVER SET foot in their house ever again.  I haven't seen (only spoken to 2xs) my FILs in 6 months, and they did a lot less than what you describe.  If you don't stand up for yourself with ILs, they will never respect you.  They already don't.  I wouldn't go there EVER again if I were you.  Don't play the passive, 50's woman role.  It's the year 2002!  If you don't respect yourself, no one will.  Your husband stood up for you, so DON'T back down now! RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In I think you are making this whole story up.  First, if they treat you so badly, why would you go to their home just because you are about to have another child?  Second, why are you so concerned with not upsetting your husband with your feelings?  I guess you are just asking for a nervous breakdown.  If my ILs were in my home and got into my face, I would be on the phone with 911 in a snap, and I would have had them removed by the police (or arrested).  Lastly, if you come from an "upper-middle class" family, then you probably have a higher education, which makes it easier for you to leave with your children before it damages them anymore. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In I'm sorry, but I just find your story very hard to believe.  I'm not flaming you, but it just doesn't make sense.  If it's all true, then you need to see a counselor because you have a problem.  You are allowing yourself to be victimized.  I couldn't help but wonder if your story wasn't a bid for sympathy.  You tell tales of abominable treatment at the hands of these people, while you've done nothing but marry their son, and yet you blame yourself for the way they treat you?  You don't sound the least bit angry or resentful, which seems highly unlikely.  You paint a picture of your husband as being loving and protective, and yet his parents have been treating you like this for years, with no repercussions from him until his father drove you from your house?  You make your in-laws sound like out of control monsters - attacking you for offering to clean your own house to their satisfaction - and yet you allow your children to be around them?  WHY?  Anyone who is that violent and full of rage shouldn't be around anyone!  But finally, if your situation is the way you describe, what really is the problem?  Your husband is standing by you.  What are you agonizing over?  Be polite and respectful, and if they get out of line, tell your husband.  Let him handle it - go home and forget about them.  If the situation is truly as you described, the future of your family's relationship with them is up to them, not you.  And lastly, you have the option to refuse to go and STAY with them until, and unless, they show you they are prepared to treat you properly.  Or you could stay in a hotel instead of at their house.  You have options. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In I don't think you're the one causing trouble.  Your ILs sound like creeps.  I'm glad your husband is standing up for you, but you need to work on your self-esteem.  Have you ever considered going to a counselor? RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In I'm sorry, but I just have to say that you are not the one with the problem, nor are you a rotten DIL.  Your ILs are the worst people I have heard of, and they most certainly don't treat you with respect.  You don't need to apologize to them, because as far as I can see, you have done nothing wrong.  Talk to your DH, and tell your ILs that they need to straighten up, or they won't see you or your kids again. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In Nobody is going to flame you!  You sound like an abuse victim - somehow you have been convinced that these are good, lovable people, and it's your fault they are so mean to you.  But please listen to me!  No great (or even decent) people would treat ANYONE the way your in-laws have treated you.  Good in-laws would never be so rude.  I don't know what the problem with them is, but their behavior toward you has been abusive.  It sounds like your husband sees this, but you don't.  I wish you could get counseling - it seems like you really need to learn that it's not that you are rotten, but that the way they are treating you is way out of line.  You must set boundaries with them and stick up for yourself.  Being kind to them is clearly not working - they just take advantage and walk all over you.  I think you should listen to your husband and your children, and NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THESE PEOPLE.  They are not wonderful at all - they're toxic.  It sounds like your children even see this, and you - the victim in this - are the only one who doesn't see it.  Just remember, a decent person would treat NOBODY the way they have treated you.  There's no excuse for their behavior.  Nobody should be treated the way they treat you. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In You are not the one with the problem, they are.  Why do you let them treat you that way.  That is your home.  You should have called the police and had your FIL arrested.  Why do you want your kids to be exposed to people like this.  I don't think things are going to go well on their turf, at least your hubby stood up for you.  I think you should cut all ties with them.  See how they like that.  I think your husband would support you.  Maybe if they didn't get to talk to their son, they might wake up.  DON'T LET THEM DO THIS TO YOU ANYMORE. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In You sound so loving, gentle, patient, and HURT.  Perhaps your horrific in-laws have beaten down your self-esteem, and weakened you over time.  It sounds like you are blaming yourself for your THEIR bad behavior.  However, it also sounds like DH allowed them to mistreat you for so long that it became routine and perfectly acceptable (in their minds) to do so.  Why are you going to see them at all?  Does DH feel obligated (blood burden)?  By mistreating YOU, they also mistreated their own son and grandchildren.  I would rethink EVER seeing them again.  I just don't think that people who are as bad as your in-laws will ever change - for long.  In the meantime, keep reminding yourself of YOUR good qualities - you sound so nice.  Big hugs and good luck to you. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In From your side of the story, you sound like an angel.  If what you have written is true, then your life with the ILs is a LIVING HE!!.  My advice is to STOP IT.  Yes, that's right.  Stop the he!! right now.  Don't invite them to your house.  Don't meet them at family gathering (highly recommended!!!).  Don't - but don't UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES go to their house!!  No excuses needed!  YOU WERE SCARED OUT OF YOUR OWN HOUSE!  Anyone who could do that is highly dangerous on their "home ground" - on their "turf", and in their HOUSE!!  Trust me - if you go to their house, you will be emotionally tortured and abused.  And finally:  The advice that sums it all up - IGNORE THEM.  TREAT THE WORLD AS IF THEY DO NOT EXIST.  Refuse to talk about them.  Refuse to talk to them.  Refuses to see them or meet them.  That's it!  Mighty simple.  Have sweet dreams. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In You have the worst case of DOOORMAT-itis that I have ever seen.  YOU are NOT the problem - your IN-LAWS are the problem!  Your DH has chosen you over them, and that is exactly as it should be.  Let your in-laws dig their gave even deeper.  They belong OUT, OUT, OUT of your lives.  If they cannot treat the mother of their grandchildren with respect, then they lose the right to see them.  DO NOT allow them to abuse you.  Your children will only learn that it is acceptable to take abuse someone if it is family.  Do you really want to teach them this lesson??  Grow a backbone.  Your DH has one - back him up, in this insistence, that your in-laws shape up or SHIP OUT!!!  My heart goes out to you.  Stand up for yourself. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In It sounds like none of this is any of your fault, and the fact that you seem to blatantly blame yourself concerns me!  Nothing you have written shows that you have done anything to them - why do you blame yourself?  This, along with your recurring nightmares, makes me think that maybe you should get some professional help with this problem.  You know, someone you can talk to about this who is not involved.  You sound very busy, but you should make this time for yourself.  This is not your fault! RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In Have you bumped your head on something?  You let these people drive you and your children away from your home?!  And yet you say that you love them.  You can rest assured that once you visit them on their turf, they will succeed in trying to do you in.  Whatever you do, don't go!! RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In I wouldn't go - you would be on their turf, and how do you leave quickly with 5 kids in tow.  The kids shouldn't be exposed to that behavior, and neither should you.  You have been more than gracious, just leave it at that.  Good luck. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In Oh, I am so sorry for your pain.  You stated twice in your post that you are the one with the problem, not them.  I don't believe it!  After all, look what they've done to you!  They are the problem!  And you've put up with this for 10 years!  You deserve so much better than this.  I'm glad that your husband stood up for you when your FIL pulled that stunt at your house.  Good for DH!  But he needs to stand up for you more.  Why does he want you to visit after the way they treated you?  Even your children are aware of how cruel you ILs are.  Anyway, since you are going to visit - make it their problem - not yours.  If they step out of line - just once (and after this many years of doing it - the probably will!), you, your kids, and DH should pack up and leave.  No arguments, no good-byes, nothing.  And then cut off all contact.  Maybe then they'll see you mean business.  I hope it works out for you.  Keep in mind that a family is a package deal.  Even if these people don't like you, they should still be able to act like grown-ups and show you respect.  Also, if they're treating you like this, then they are not "wonderful people" who anyone would love!  They're mean and cruel!  Don't put yourself through this anymore!  You deserve better! RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In Honey child, lady, NOT-a-rotten-DIL - the problem is NOT you - it's your DH's failure to stand up for you long before this, and the simple fact that your ILs are @ssholes.  Big time.  YOU ARE NOT a not-fitting-in-problem.  Really, truly.  And don't, for ANY reason, let them hornswoggle you into believing that you are.  God, your post made me sick.  Truly sick.  This is not the kind of support you have the right to expect from your husband, and he needs a GIGANTIC boot in the behind to wake him up.  It sounds like he's starting to move in the right direction, but demanding that you get your butt back home, without telling you beforehand that he'd expelled his parents - sounds awfully controlling to me.  Get counseling, good counseling - quickly.  Good luck. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In I'm sorry, but you're nuts.  Why on earth would you love these people?  They didn't just pick you out of this world to flame out on.  They must have done this to others in the past.  The point I'm making is that your husband isn't what he is because of them - he's what he is in spite of them.  After what happened, why would you even consider taking your new baby to see them?  You don't need to ever step into their house again, even when they do this world a favor and die (and there's a funeral).  And don't ever allow them into your home again.  Your husband should back you up on this.  Just tell them that since they hate you so much, you're not going to torment them with the presence of so many children who have your genes.  I mean, let's face it, they're half you!!  As for your children, they don't need to be around those awful people.  By allowing these spiritual vampires into your life, it gives your children a message that it's okay to treat you like that.  It isn't.  Even your children need to know that there are limits.  As for being afraid to be around your husband's family, don't be.  Be relieved.  You never have to see them again.  How wonderful for you! RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In Do not blame yourself.  If they TRULY loved their son, then they would be happy that he has a good life with you.  It is not your fault.  They are behaving very badly and malicious, and you are very fortunate that you have a good DH who can see this.  Many of us here have DH's who cannot, or will not, see and recognize bad behavior by their parents.  I would let your DH know your feelings and fears.  Don't stay with them.  Stay with other family with whom you feel safe (or stay at a hotel/motel).  And only see them in surroundings where you and the children feel safe.  It's not fair to your kids that they are exposed to such dangerous behavior.  And I wish you all the luck. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In Why do you think that the way they treat you is your fault is any way???  They seem like evil, wicked people, and you are bending over backwards to please them.  And they know they can treat you like trash.  YOU SHOULDN'T DEAL WITH THEM!!!  Stand up for yourself.  Stop trying so hard to get them to like you.  They've made their decision.  Now you need to make yours.  I think you need to talk to a counselor to work on your self esteem so that you will stop trying to seek approval from these hateful people.  Trust me, if they were as nice and loving as you say they were, they wouldn't treat you that way!!!!  You deserve to feel safe all the time!!! RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In Bless you and your husband.  The fact is that your ILs have the problem.  You deserve to be treated respectfully.  I would never trust your ILs ever again.  I am in a similar situation, but it is not as extreme.  We went to therapy, and that helped a lot.  You need to lay down some serious boundaries.  No person should ever chase you out of your own home.  You are good enough for your husband, he did marry you.  You can't change your in-laws.  My ILs haven't spoken to DH and I for over a year now because he told them, "If you can't say anything nice about me, don't say anything at all."  It is their loss that they can't come around and behave.  They are missing out on a beautiful and happy family.  I wouldn't visit them at all this summer.  Tell your husband to take the kids to his parents.  You can learn to forgive them, but that does not mean you can trust them. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In Get yourself into COUNSELING, NOW.  Your need to please is disturbing, and I fear that you suffer because you are seeking the impossible.  Best wishes. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In YOU ARE NOT A ROTTEN DAUGHTER IN LAW!!!  Running out in fear is exactly what you should have done.  I would rather them think less of me than put my kids in danger.  You don't have to act like everything is hunky-dory - because it's not.  But I would attempt a good face.  Your husband sounds like he is very supportive, so at least you know that if they are abusive (which is what they were, don't mince words) again, he will chose you and the kids over them.  Be encouraged.  Either things will be better with them, or you will be rid of the abuse for good.  It's a win/win situation. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In You haven't caused any problems.  Your in-laws have.  I am glad to hear that your husband is a real man, and stands up for you.  Hang in there. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In I don't know where you get the idea that the problem is yours.  Your in-laws are the ones with the problems.  Be happy that your DH found out who his parents really are, and is taking action to protect you against these horrible people.  Please don't think of yourself as the problem.  IT'S NOT YOU.  IT'S THEM.  Good luck, and go to them anyway.  And act like the loving wife that you really are.  That will make them.  Know what I mean? RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In Please, please, please, listen to me.  YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM!  You have done nothing wrong here!!  Your ILs are abusive, cruel, horrible people.  They have NO RIGHT to treat you the way that they do.  I don't blame you for being afraid of your FIL's violent outburst.  I would have left too.  In fact, I would have called the police and had him arrested.  He has no right to attack you verbally or physically.  This is abuse, plain and simple.  I'm glad your DH saw this and asked his parents to leave.  I am horrified that he expects you to go to their house for a visit.  If your FIL feels he can treat you that way in YOUR own home, what will he be like on his own turf?  Even your older children can see that you are being abused.  I think you need to tell your DH that you don't feel safe or comfortable visiting those people, and you would like to postpone the visit until your ILs show that they are sincerely willing to accept you as their son's wife, and start treating you with respect.  You are not a rotten DIL -your ILs are rotten human beings who don't deserve to have you and your children in their lives.  You are the mother of their grandchildren - how dare they treat you this way!  Please consider what I have said, and please stand up for yourself.  Tell your DH how you really feel.  It is HIS job to protect you from this terrible abuse.  He is doing a fair job, but he needs to face the reality that his parents are not going to change.  And he needs to focus on you and the children, and forget about them.  Disrespecting you so cruelly disrespects him (and your children) as well.  Good luck to you, and please come to the message board.  There are a lot of caring people there who can help you.  Don't worry if your ILs find out, and don't worry what they think.  You have a right to be happy, and you and your DH seems to be very happy in the marriage.  That is all that matters.  Hang in there! RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In You are not the one with the problem.  It isn't your fault that your in-laws treat you so horribly.  Obviously they have mental problems.  I would listen to your husband.  If they can't treat you better, you should cut off all contact with them. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In You need to understand that wonderful people do not act like this.  Wonderful people do not try to give someone food poisoning, NO MATTER WHAT.  Therefore, they are not wonderful people.  There is nothing in your tale that indicates that ANY of this is your fault, so why do you think it is?  Why do you think you're rotten?  Obviously, they're rotten.  My advice:  Get some counseling - NOW.  You need better self esteem.  I also wonder about your DH.  He sounds supportive from what you say, but yet there's a subtext there that says he might not be so supportive?  Does he think you're wrong, or rotten?  Even if he doesn't, if he's reinforcing that they are "wonderful" people, he's not as supportive as he could be.  Couples counseling could help him to see your point of view, or it could also help with your self-esteem. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In Please let me stress that you do not have the problem.  Your ILs have the problem.  You were right to leave the house when you did, and your DH was right in telling them to leave.  You don't want your children in a situation like that.  You sound like a wonderful woman.  A much better one than I would have been in this situation.  You say that you want your children to be with their family.  You, your DH, and children are family.  If you have each other, you don't need anyone else.  Let go of the feeling that you're at fault.  You're not.  If you decide to visit with the ILs, tell your DH not to leave you alone with them.  Your DH handled it right the first time, let him handle it this time.  If, after the visit, your DH decides not to see his parents again, it will be for the best.  You and your family don't need to be around such poison people.  It will be their loss. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In Please, get a grip on yourself.  You are not the problem here.  Your in-laws don't sound perfect, they sound like nightmares.  Your husband should cut off contact with them if they don't treat you with the respect you deserve.  They don't have to fawn over you, but they shouldn't be threatening you either.  It sounds like your husband has a good plan.  Let him stick with it.  If they don't behave, they are out.  Best of luck to you. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In It sounds like your husband has the right idea.  Go for a visit.  Act like nothing has happened, but keep your bags packed. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In No one will flame you.  How can you even think that YOU are at fault here.  You were driven from your own home.  You are treated like cr@p.  YOU are NOT the one at fault here!!!  First of all, do NOT allow your children around these jerks anymore.  If you do, then your kids will grow up thinking that it is ok to treat their mother like sh!t.  You cannot allow it.  Also, what will stop them from harming you again or getting in your face?  I wouldn't set one TOE in their nasty house of horror!  Your DH was right to make them leave your home.  You should be thankful that your DH would stand up for you.  Mine would have believed his father I would bet.  Also, when that man got in your face and basically threatened you, you should have called the police.  IT is YOUR home too, and you have the right to live there in peace.  About your ILs loving their grandkids, and how they wouldn't hurt them:  If you allow these toxic people free reign with the kids, they will be harmed because they will know granny and grampy hate mommy, and they will learn to treat you badly too.  So the bottom line is:  YOU are not the one with the problem. THEY are.  Cut them off without a word.  If they show up at your home, DO NOT LET THEM IN!  If they persist, CALL 911!  Make it a living He!! for them for a change.  Get a restraining order.  I know you do not want to cause a problem, but when it comes to being driven out of your own home, then it is WAR, and you must fight with all your being. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In HAT ON EARTH DID YOU DO?  If you are the one with the problem, then you must have done something, right?  What could you have possibly done to have ANYONE to have them treat you like this?  THEY ARE THE ONES WITH THE PROBLEM!!!  You need to stop trying to accommodate and please them.  You are responsible for your children and your husband, and not your ILs!  They are rude, hateful people, who have told lies about you.  They have purposely ignored you, insulted you, and made you fear for your safety.  They are NOT loving people!  Your husband turned out well, in spite of them, not because of them.  Don't go visit them.  In the first place, there is something wrong with packing up all your children to visit them, instead of THEM making the effort.  Secondly, you are owed an apology for how they treated you in your own home.  Lastly, you need to worry about your safety and reputation while you are in their company.  Think for a moment about your children.  They themselves do not like their grandparents, and they have good reason.  Your husband asked them to leave because of how they treated you.  You have a "family" who cares about you, and you have ILs who are rude, selfish jerks.  If my ILs were to EVER treat me in the way in which you have described, they would NEVER see me or my children again.  You deserve respect as their son's wife, and as their grandchildren's mother.  If they do not give that to you, then they should not have the privilege of seeing you or your lovely family.  I wish you the very best!  Perhaps you should see a counselor to help heal the damage that these people have done to your life and soul.  Congrats on your new baby!  Stay home and enjoy him! :) RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In First off, you are not the one with the problem!  They are.  Quit acting like you are a horrible person, because from reading this, you sound like a nice, normal, loving wife and mother.  You don't deserve any of this treatment.  And it would not matter if you were a horrible person, because no one deserves to be treated in that manner.  How dare your FIL attack you in your own home.  Of course you ran.  Were you supposed to stand there and let him hit you?  I don't think so.  It sounds like you have a good, loving husband (and 6 great kids who love you).  My advice is to tell your husband how scared you are of these people.  If my FIL ever did that to me, it would be over.  And I know you don't think he would hurt your kids, but how do you know?  These people are horrible people, and neither you nor your kids should have to be around them.  I think contact should be broken with them.  Talk to your husband. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In Please!!  Are you serious?  Do you actually believe for a moment that you are truly the one with the problem here?  If you do, perhaps you should seek some professional help.  Your ILs sound like people from he!!.  If your family is a loving, happy, and healthy unit, then your ILs should be thrilled that you are a part of the family.  They sound as if they have some serious issues, and if I were you, I'd keep myself and my children as far away from them as humanly possible. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In I feel so badly for you.  Your DH should make a clean break with these people, and never speak to them again (in my opinion).  Let him know how scared you are, and how sick this makes you.  These people have problems, DEEP problems.  They need to go to Vienna where Freud studied, and have a whole team of doctors work on them for about the next 20 years.  And maybe then you could consider a visit with them. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In YOU'RE the one with the problem???  Some jerks come to your house, tell you it's "not clean enough", and yell in your face - and YOU have a problem?  You have nothing to worry about, and nothing to feel guilty over.  Your husband was right in kicking them out of the house.  It's your house and his, and you should feel safe there.  Furthermore, if you think these people are "wonderful", I'd hate to see what you'd call mean!  They sound like the nastiest, most bitter, hateful people on earth.  Yelling and cussing a woman alone in her home with her kids watching?  You aren't the one with the problem.  Your husband is so right, if they treat you like that again, you and he should never speak to them again.  When you go to visit, make sure your husband doesn't leave you alone.  And if he has to, I'd go somewhere else.  If you do get stuck alone with these crazies, be careful.  Keep your keys in your pocket, and be ready to get your kids and run.  And don't look back!  These people sound like real jerks, and it sounds like it has affected your self-esteem.  Don't worry about how you're "affecting" their relationship with their son.  If they cared about their son, they would treat his wife better.  They obviously don't love him.  By saying that he made the wrong choice (which they are saying by how they treat you), and by trying to take the woman he loves out of his life, they are being disrespectful to him AND you.  And they are disregarding his wishes and his happiness.  If they really loved or cared about him, they could at least be civil. RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In You have GOT to be kidding.  Sometimes the stories here are so outrageous, one wonders if they aren't completely made up.  This one sent my radar up.  Your FIL gets in your face and curses you to the point that you feel you must take your kids and LEAVE YOUR OWN HOME, yet YOU have the problem??  AND you're going to visit THEM in THEIR home, on THEIR turf???  I am sorry, but I doubt this story.  It's just so outlandish, it's unbelievable.  That said, I have been known to come down rather hard on people who need it, so I hope you don't feel that the following advice qualifies as "flaming" you, because it isn't.  It's just the truth.  If this is for real, I feel for you.  I really do, but you need to grow a spine.  Their rotten behavior is not your fault.  You should not feel obligated to give these people another chance, no matter what your husband may think.  Your kids shouldn't have to be exposed to them either.  If they don't want to go, under these circumstances I say, DON'T make them.  If hubby wants to go, let him go - ALONE.  After all, they've already pointed out that you aren't their family, so why should you waste your time visiting them, placating them, and fearing them?  Still, I almost HOPE this post is a product of someone's overactive imagination.  Yikes, what nutcases these in-laws be! RESPONSE:  A Rotten DIL Who Doesn't Fit In I did not read your post to the end because I just had to write this.  "YOU ARE MAKING YOURSELF AVAILABLE TO GET HURT"  Everywhere in your post you are saying, "I know I am wrong.  They are very nice.  They did this and that, but they are very nice."  If this is how you act in front of them - I am not surprised that they walk over you.  You need to recognize that you are not wrong.  They are wrong because they are doing such things to you.  And no one can help you if you keep acting the way you have been.  You, and only you, can watch out for yourself, and if you are making yourself available like this, then you are making yourself an easy target.  It is not the things that you say you did, but your tone of feeling badly about yourself.  They must have sensed it (if I could without even meeting you).  If someone comes and hits you purposely tomorrow, then will you say that I know he is not mean.  I was in his way, so he had no option but to hit me.  That's how it sounded when I read your post.  Sorry if you found this rude, but you need to change and stop taking sh!t from any one.

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