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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
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May
11, 2002
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It is now just a month
away from my wedding, so one would think that my MIL would try to
make more of an effort - but, of course not. She has decided
that she cannot come to the wedding shower because work is more
important. The shower is on a Saturday!!! I called a
month in advance so that she would be able to take work off to come,
but somehow that never happened?!? She refuses to call into
work or truly make an effort to come. Also, all the girls
in the wedding party, and the 2 mothers, were scheduled for a hair
and makeup appointments together so we could talk and enjoy each
other's company. But, MIL found another way to get out of
this event, also with a thousand excuses. She told me that
she cannot hang out for three hours waiting for everyone else to
get their stuff done. She wants to be in and out. So,
I have just decided not to invite her at all. She told me
that there is no reason why she should have to bond with my sisters
or other family members. There is no reason why I should ruin
my day so that everything can run MIL style. It does not matter
what event I invite her to, but if her son is not involved, then
it is not worth her while. This bothers me, because I am going
to have to deal with this situation for the rest of my life.
All this does is cause tension between FDH and me. I just
don't understand why we cannot get along and be respectful of each
other??? I know that she hates me, but I hate her too, so
you would think that we would have something to agree about?
Signed - I Just Want
Peace
RESPONSE: I Just Want Peace
I would be thankful that she doesn't want to be involved.
It is much less stressful that way. Just continue to invite
her, preferably where your FDH can hear. That way he knows
you are trying, and that his mother is the one not "playing
nice". He will come to your side. Enjoy your day,
and don't let her spoil it. That is what she is trying to
do. Be sure to tell her how sorry you were that she couldn't
make it, and how much fun she missed (in front of your FDH, of course).
RESPONSE: I Just Want Peace
My MIL was the same way. They never threw an engagement party
for us, although they threw one for the two children who were wed
before us. To make up for this, she said that she would throw
a "couples" bridal shower. She insisted it could
only be on a certain weekend because of other events that she needed
to go to. So, we rearranged our schedule to accommodate her.
A week before the shower, my FDH asked what time we should be there.
She said that she forgot all about it, and did not have a chance
to plan anything. One and a half years after our wedding,
she still doesn't have a picture of our wedding, or a family picture
which includes me, in their house. She has a frame in the
living room with the word "family" written on it.
It contains a picture that includes the entire family (with in-laws),
except me. Your story reminds me so much of my own MIL.
At this point, I've concluded that we will never be that close.
To expect even a little acceptance from her is futile. My
DH and I are happy, and that's all that matters. She can be
happy for us, or she can be miserable. That's her choice,
but I'm not going to worry myself thinking about her. You
sound like you are doing the right thing. You've invited her,
but she doesn't want to socialize with you and your family.
Fine. Have the event without her, and have a great time.
RESPONSE: I Just Want Peace
I am so sorry that you are experiencing all of this stress right
before your wedding. I am sure it will be wonderful.
Regarding your FMIL, here's my advice: Be polite, but distant.
Do not get upset if she refuses to participate in your events (as
she should). Invite her, by all means. But if she refuses,
smile and go on, and have a great time. You can let her know
that you had a wonderful time without her if you want, but the key
is to "never let her see you sweat". I suspect that
she LOVES to turn you down about your pre-wedding events - loves
that little power surge it gives her to tell you "no",
and see you get upset. DON'T GIVE THAT TO HER. Be polite,
but powerful!!!!
RESPONSE: I Just Want Peace
You have tried. Don't try anymore. I am also getting
married in June, and I don't want my FMIL anywhere near me.
I purposely left her off my Bridal Shower list because of the things
she has said and done to me behind my back. Respect is a two
way street. I am getting squat from her, so she will get the
same in return from me. I am also not letting FMIL know where
I am getting ready on the day of my wedding, because I don't want
her there to ruin it with her snide comments. Enjoy being
with your family and friends, and count yourself lucky for not having
your FMIL there to add stress on YOUR day. Good luck, and
keep your chin up.
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Worst gift: At my bridal
shower, my MIL had given us a card that we opened after all our
other gifts. The gift was rather large, and was to be delivered
to our home later, thus the card. I had my DF read the card,
because it was in our parents' native language ( I am fluent, but
can't read her scribbles). He read that his parents had purchased
the surround sound speakers, stereo, TV, etc., for our home (WOW).
While he was reading the card, he said, "All the speakers,
surround sound, TV AND our new home." I quickly added
in, "Wow, all the stereo (etc.) FOR our home!", thinking
that what he had read was a mistake. I grabbed the card after,
and made out (in her chicken scratch) just what he had said.
His parents had helped us with our down payment for our home with
the money from his (DF's) paycheck (family business) that they had
saved, while he never saw a penny from age 15 to 23. While
this was a very smart, thoughtful, and generous thing for them to
do, she tried to make it seem like our home was a gift from them
- in front of our 100 close friends and relatives. Imagine
my embarrassment when I was explaining to all of my friends, and
my side of the family, that our home was not a gift. She purposely
asked us to read the card out loud that day. My poor mother
was more mortified than I was. To this day, over two years
later, I still hear comments from people about my HUGE wedding shower
gift. I make it very clear that we bought our home, pay our
mortgage, and made our down payment because my husband is a very
hard worker, and was not a spoiled adolescent. Am I being
petty, crazy, or too sensitive to all of this? My MIL drives
me so crazy, but every time I write out one of my stories to post
here, it sounds so stupid to me. Maybe I'm making too much
of her actions?
Signed - MIL's "Now
I Have A Daughter of My Own"
RESPONSE: MIL's "Now I Have A Daughter of My Own"
You are in NO way making too much out of this! How dare they:
A) Tell your business to everyone that way. B) Make it seem
like they gave you EVERYTHING you own. I probably would have
never spoken to them again after that. That was done to show
you up, and there was no need for that. That is why it's bad
to take things from ILs like them. It is too late now, though.
What a b!tch!
RESPONSE: MIL's "Now I Have A Daughter of My Own"
You're not silly. Your MIL is crazy. She should have
more respect for you and your DH. Although it was thoughtful
of them to save money for DH for your down payment, the two of you
acknowledged this and were grateful. It is rude for them to
take credit for the entire house, which you work hard to pay the
mortgage on.
RESPONSE: MIL's "Now I Have A Daughter of My Own"
People are idiots. Just ignore them. Who cares what
others think about your home. Relax and laugh it off.
You will find that it will bring less stress in your life.
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"A Mothers Day
Poem For My Daughter's MIL"
You taught your children very well
to lie, to steal, to cheat;
you mentored them in dominance
and all forms of deceit.
They learned by your example
how to smile while hurting others;
and from you they learned how to
take a baby from its mother.
Your psychopathic actions
may have always served you well,
but they also guarantee that you will
slowly rot in HE!!.
Signed - Ashamed To Be
MIL
RESPONSE: Ashamed To Be MIL
Don't be ashamed to be a MIL! Some are wonderful! I
have two, since my DH's parents divorced when he was a child.
One is hateful, but the other is an angel! Be proud to be
a good MIL. Learn from your daughter's MIL's mistakes, and
be the best MIL you can be for your SIL. Good luck!
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I really need some help
here. DH has severed ties with his family. This, although
it sounds good, has been a disaster. This is a very long and
complicated story, so I will try to be brief. I have never
felt that MIL liked me, and although she made efforts to get along
with me, I have never been able to get past some of the harsh things
that have been said. These things include her warning DH not
to marry me so soon, and her concerns regarding the fact that I
cannot have any more children (I have 2 from a previous marriage).
I tried very hard to not let little things get to me, like being
the only person left out of a large family photo. But, finally,
before Christmas it all came to a head and we had a blow up.
She claims that she has tried to be a good MIL, etc. So, a
couple of weeks ago I was approached by a total stranger (stranger
to me anyway), and he knew DH (DH grew up in a small town) and MIL.
MIL dropped a few other names. He continued to ramble on about
knowing DH from school, this and that, and then blurted out that
I must be the one who is causing such distress to MIL, and thus
causing DH to alienate her. I shared this info with DH, who
then sent his mother a seething email, pointing out all the hurt
over the past couple of years (I admit, some of these have been
misunderstandings). However, for a person who I never met
before to approach me out of the blue and tell me these things,
indicates to me that MIL has, indeed, been saying things behind
my back that make her look like a victim, and me the evil DIL.
Three days ago, DH talked to his grandmother, and she told DH that
I am a liar, and that I have done things or said things that have
hurt her. But, she wouldn't tell what those "things"
were. IMHO, MIL has poisoned her against me. She told
DH that I lied about this stranger, and that she has proof.
WHAT PROOF? Was she there? I don't think so. Anyway,
DH, GMIL and I were on the phone having it out, and she hung up
on us. DH then called MIL and had it out with her. She
was still playing the victim, and said that I am a liar. Therefore,
DH has decided to cut ties with the whole lot of them, and told
her he would call her a couple of times a year to let her know he's
alive and well. I told DH that I should just leave.
I have obviously destroyed the utopia that these people lived in
before I came along. I am just so pissed off, though.
How dare she/they call me a liar. I have done nothing to GMIL,
especially. Yes, MIL and I have had our differences, and had
our blow ups, but how is it that this has turned around and made
me the bad guy? I never did anything in the first place to
make MIL hate me. She has claimed that she doesn't hate me,
but her actions certainly show otherwise. It is like she thinks
I am not good enough for DH. She thought we got engaged too
soon (we only knew each other a couple of weeks), and she and GMIL
seemed to think that DH rescued me from being a single mom.
For the record, I did not need saving. I was doing a fine
job of raising them on my own, but feel very lucky to have DH as
their dad (their biological father has never been a real "dad").
Whatever it is, I feel she doesn't like me because she didn't hand-pick
me as his bride. She wanted him to marry some young, virginal,
nice girl, who didn't have a pre-made family. Really, in the
grand scheme of things, I don't care about her or GMIL. I
love DH, and couldn't be happier. But, how is a person supposed
to feel when they are being called a liar, and the blame is being
put on them for the entire fiasco? He has lost his family,
and it is all being blamed on me, when they had just as much (or
more) of a role than I did. I never said horrible things about
his family until after I learned all the things they said about
me, and all the little things they did to make me feel like an outsider.
I just don't know what to do. I want to get right in MIL and
GMIL's faces, and just ask them where they get off spreading these
ugly rumors. And, then, when it gets back to me, "I"
am the liar???? But, that would only add fuel to the fire.
Any help you can provide would be appreciated.
Signed - Not A Liar
RESPONSE: Not A Liar
Don't stress over these nasty people. I've seen the history
on your MIL, and she is the liar. Try to enjoy your own little
family, and ignore them. Deep down, the people who know them
know the truth.
RESPONSE: Not A Liar
You have good instincts in keeping your feelings to yourself.
You don't want to give them any ammunition to use against you.
They will take whatever you say, and twist it around. You
are probably better off just staying away. You sound like
you have a great, supporting husband. Consider yourself lucky.
RESPONSE: Not A Liar
You have my sympathy. I feel like my MIL does the same thing,
and people feel sorry for her. I got such a cold reception
when I went to their church. Even the priest (a woman) was
cold and rude to me. I can't live to please my MIL, but I
certainly never meant to do her any harm. I wonder if it occurs
to anyone what a smothering, babyish, self-indulgent MIL she must
be, or if everyone just buys into her story. Well, I feel
badly for you. It sounds like you have a great husband.
I always thought I was too immature to have children, but hearing
of some of these MILs' behavior, I see that being immature sure
doesn't stop a lot of people!
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This is about my ex-MIL.
I was married at 19 to a 32 year old man. This was my first
marriage, and his second marriage. At first, I thought his
mother and stepfather were very nice, although uncomfortably (to
me) religious people. Soon, the politeness subsided, and the
true nature of the beast was revealed! When we got married,
my ex MIL offered to pay for half of the wedding cake. We
went and looked for one, with my mother along. When the time
came to pay, my MIL "disappeared", and my mother had to
pay for the whole cake! She made a big deal about paying for
the minister ($50 contribution to the church), and when the wedding
day came (it was a small ceremony with parents only), the minister
ushered us into his office (where they were doing construction)
to marry us. There was wood, sawdust, stacked up chairs, tables,
etc., in there. Nice atmosphere! I should have known
then! Then, there were the snide comments about how her son
was too thin, and it must be my cooking (or lack of it) that was
at fault. Never mind that he had a thyroid disorder that made
it hard for him to gain weight, and that, while he was living with
her after his first divorce, he had to drink weight gain shakes
just to keep his weight up. Apparently, all of her good home
cookin' wasn't cutting it, either! I didn't point this out,
and decided to keep peace. I kept a very clean house (no kids
yet). It was SO clean, in fact, that I was what you could
consider "anal-retentive" Of course, to her, my
house was a pigsty (compared to hers). She would never say
this, but whenever she came over, she would wipe the countertops
in the kitchen off, whether they needed it or not, and keep her
purse in her lap. It was like she felt that if she laid it
down on the carpet or furniture, it would get cooties. She
would also bring her own roll of toilet paper with her to our house.
Apparently ours was too rough and cheap for her delicate @ss.
There were also the constant religious lectures. She would
talk to me about the bible like I was a total moron, never mind
the fact that I went to church as a child, went to VBS in the summers,
and went to bible study after school while growing up. I wasn't
really religious, but I wasn't a total dummy either. Of course,
I just kept my mouth shut and kept the peace. She was absolutely
possessive over my ex's daughter from his first marriage.
She insisted on having his visitation time with her! So, after
we moved in together, we started picking up his daughter on Friday
and taking her to MIL's house on Saturday afternoon. Basically,
we split the weekend. Of course, she always had to have his
little girl first thing in the morning because she had some important
errand to run, and couldn't possibly wait. If we were late,
watch out!! Talk about a total b!tch! She would meet
us at the car, grab the little girls hand, stomp back into the house,
and slam the door. My ex and I split up the holidays with
my parents and the MIL and FIL. Of course, if it was our turn
at my family's house, my stepdaughter had to come to the MIL's or
there would be a total nuclear meltdown. My ex had no backbone,
so I knew it was up to me to change the situation (which never happened,
hence the divorce). One time, I brought her over to the MIL's
alone. The little girl and I were close, and she threw a fit,
saying she wanted to stay with me, and didn't want to stay at her
granny's - in front of the MIL! The MIL totally lost it, grabbed
her by the arm, and spanked. She yelled at her all the way
into the house, and left me on the driveway. I told my ex,
and he called her and totally griped her out. Of course, she
didn't know what I was talking about. Luckily (that time anyway),
my ex believed me. When my ex and I had our child, she still
spoiled his first daughter, and didn't pay too much attention to
ours. She was "too little" to spend the night, or
it was "too much work" for her (being so old and in such
a delicate condition). She was also a total confirmed hypochondriac.
There are a million more stories like these about her. The
real topper came after our divorce, when she told our 6 year old
that her daddy and I were sinners because we got divorced!
HELLLLOOOOO!!!! She has been married 6 times!! I called
my ex and informed him of her comment, and pointed out how much
of a hypocrite she will look like when our daughter figures out
that granny has been married and divorced SIX times! He called
her and griped her out! The strange thing is, now that I am
not married to her son anymore, she is nicer to me. In fact,
she actually talks badly about my ex to me. Crazy! Good
riddance to bad rubbish!
Signed - Got Rid Of One,
Just To Get Another
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The PILs are gone!
I was the one who wrote in twice earlier, telling about how my PILs
were coming to visit, even though we are moving. My last letter
got delayed. In it, I said that I was going to have a talk
with them to tell them not to come. They decided to come anyway,
and my DH had a fit. So, I was essentially outvoted.
We move on Friday the 3rd. They showed up on the 26th, a week
before we had to move. Our apartment was a mess! There
were boxes everywhere, stuff shoved into the laundry room, things
laid out on the table, and me in a hopping mad mood! And,
we had to set some time aside to entertain for them, to make dinner
for them, and to talk to them. They stayed until last night,
the 29th. The only thing that made it bearable was that they
took off a few times to allow me to finish making preparations.
Here are some things I have to gripe about before I bust:
My FIL is very touchy-feely, and I HATE it. I grew up in a
family that never hugged or kissed, and, frankly, I feel a bit funny
about having people I barely like do those things to me. So,
he was up to his old stuff; hugging and putting his arms around
me at odd times. And, he smokes, and his breath stinks.
He doesn't have an idea of personal space. So, I had to keep
a distance between us at all times. He'd hug, and I'd pick
up something and put it in his hands, and then back away.
Sometimes, I would go to another room and shudder. And, the
worst was when he hugged me from the side and moved his hips against
mine! It is to gag! One of these days I am going to
completely embarrass myself and give him a good slap! Okay,
enough. The things that really bothered me about my MIL:
1. She didn't knock when she came in. Grrr! It's
not her house! 2. Whenever I touched her son, she would
say something smarmy that made me want to run to another room.
For instance, one time I moved my chair to see something better,
and in consequence, I moved it closer to DH. She said, "DIL
loves DS so much that she doesn't like to be away from him,"
talking in third person like we weren't even there. I don't
blush, but my insides turned red with anger. But, instead
of hissing at her like a cat, I just put my head on DH's shoulder
and smiled. I'm sure she loved that! 3. We went
to the gun range, taking the PILs with us, because they wouldn't
stay away. Afterwards, we politely told them that we were
going to be busy cleaning, and that we would see them later.
They left, and we started cleaning our pistols (to those of you
who don't own firearms, I'm sure it seems a little strange to be
going shooting right before the move - those of you who do own firearms
know that movers' policies vary widely. The ones we went with
will transport the guns, but not the ammunition, so we had to use
up what we had left). Surprise, surprise, MIL busted into
the door not half an hour later, saying that she had just found
a rug that she wanted to buy for us, and wouldn't we come with her
and check it out? There we sat, up to our elbows in solvents
and oil, a growing pile of dirty rags on the table, and MIL wanted
us to go shopping? Right! You know what she actually
wanted to do? She wanted to make sure we were cleaning!
She thought that we were lying when we said we had work to do, even
when we were moving in less than a week! Argh! 4.
Last one, I swear. A while ago she had given DH six white
glasses. I am not kidding you when I say that these glasses
are the ugliest glasses I have ever seen. They look like a
cross between a pineapple and a clown suit. Well, I was not
going to waste the time and effort moving these things, so I told
DH that I was going to throw them out. He said to wait, because
he was going to ask his mother if she wanted them back. He
asked, and she hemmed and hawed. She said that they may be
antiques or collectibles. I know a little something about
antiques. There was no maker's mark on the bottom, and they
were poorly made. I showed her. She still wouldn't give
a definitive answer, so I took the ugly things over to Goodwill
the next day. My reasoning: I HATE them! They're
ugly! I don't care if they're worth a hundred dollars apiece!
I don't want them in my house! And, they aren't worth anything
anyway! Anyhow, those of you with MILs will know what happened
next. She wanted them back the next day. When I flatly
told her where they were, she sighed and steamed. They left
(finally) without telling me good-bye, which meant I missed the
ever-wonderful and exciting hugging! I think that the next
time I see them, I will try to irritate her more! DH told
me later that he hates the way his family gives gifts. They
will give you a dime store present, and then act as if it were an
heirloom and encrusted with gold. And if you dare throw it
in the garbage where it belongs, they will act as if you are rejecting
them, and not their awful gift. Every day I am grateful that
I have such a wonderful family. I guess that's the best thing
about these new relatives of mine; they make me more appreciative
of the ones I already have. On a final note, I hope I never
see them again, and I will try more subversive tactics if I do (keep
in mind that this incident is still fresh in my mind, and after
a couple of months, my basic generosity and forgetfulness will kick
in and I might agree to another visit - more fool me!).
Signed - Grrr!
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Working Women Don't Have Wives