Worst gift: When DH
and I married, MIL/FIL gave us $100. One week later, on girlfriend
of BIL's birthday, she was presented with a check for $500.
I don't care about the money, it was the symbolism that got me.
That Christmas, I was given a $20 gift certificate to a discount
department store, while BIL's girlfriend was given a vacuum cleaner,
new dishes, silverware for her home, and $300 to help her with her
child from another man. Not that I care about the money, again,
the symbolism got me. MIL gave me lingerie with a note saying,
"Maybe you can get pregnant in this". My husband
and I have been trying to get pregnant for four years. We
go to professional fertility counselors. I guess I felt like
she was insinuating that it was my lack of being attractive to my
husband that is the problem. My husband helped me make the
bonfire for that one. We used it to decorate our Yule log
- with the tags still attached. P.S. I Don't Like Her
Either.
Signed - Enough Symbolism
- I'm Getting the Hint
RESPONSE: Enough Symbolism - I'm Getting the Hint
This happens to me too - it is hurtful, and I dread Christmas, especially
as this year I have to spend it with the ice queen! Well,
all I can say is that every time I am treated as "an unimportant
person, who has no feelings", I just think "NURSING HOME
FOR YOU!!"
DH proposed to me the
same month that I moved down here. He still didn't have a
ring, but he made it official this time. When he told his
mother, she flipped out. She said that we were too young,
and blah, blah, blah. She told him that he still depended
on her for everything, and that if he married me, she would cut
him off without a penny. Because I don't have an organized
religion, and don't believe most of what the bible says, she thinks
I am godless and not fit to be his wife. She called me on
the phone and tried to talk me out of marrying her son. She
told me that I wasn't good enough for him, and that I would be ruining
his life, his future, his education - everything. Then, she
said that she knew we'd had sex out of wedlock, and went on a long
tangent about how the bible says this and the bible says that.
I told her, "SCREW THE BIBLE." I was so angry with
her. She started crying, and said that that comment just proved
I didn't deserve her son. She told DH on the phone (I wasn't
eavesdropping, just sitting next to him, the woman has a freaking
LOUD voice) that she would have been happier if he had chosen to
marry his last girlfriend, and not me. Because my biological
parents abused me, she thinks that I will abuse our children.
She thinks all of that, and let us know it too. She said that
she would be happier with him marrying his ex-girlfriend, because
she didn't have the same experiences I'd had, and would probably
make a better mother. DH has never really been able to stand
up to her all that well. He didn't say anything that time
(although, happily, he has at later times - he is learning to stand
up for himself and for me - hooray). I told DH that he should
just hang up on her. I was hurt that she thought I would abuse
our children. So, I told DH that she was never going to see
our children. That has been revoked, but she is still on probation
in my book - and we are even married now.
Signed - Engaged And
Angry At The Time This Happened
RESPONSE: Engaged And Angry At The Time This Happened
Since your MIL is so much into the bible, how about reminding her
of Matthew 19:5-6 and Mark 10:6-8?! It is about how a man
is to leave his MOTHER and father to live with his wife. It
is mentioned in the church ritual in my country, and a friend of
mine says that it couldn't be said too many times!
Ok, so the years passed
and DH and I dated other people. We decided that we were the
right ones for each other, though. In January of 2001, I was
kicked out of my parent's house and school. The result was
that (my now) DH came up and got me, and took me back to the town
he was living in. He arranged for me to stay with some of
his friends until other arrangements could be made, as he was living
in the college dorms. Well, when his mother found out I was
down here, she demanded to him that he take me back up, and acted
like he had failed her in some way (and, like I had somehow forced
him into bringing me here). DH was under a lot of stress at
this time (he had school, his mother lecturing him, he was driving
me to and from work every night, and he was concerned about the
people I was staying with, because a lot of them had started to
do drugs). When he gets really stressed out, he gets horrible
chest pains, and I think they are basically panic attacks.
I drove him to the emergency room, and, after deciding that it would
probably be good for her to know, asked a friend to call DH's mother
and tell her about what was happening. The doctors hooked
DH up to monitors, and left the room. The phone in the room
rang, and I answered it. It was DH's mother. She wanted
to know how he was doing, and then went off on a rant on me - for
no reason. She said that I was the reason he was stressing
so much, and that I never should have forced him to bring me down
here. And, she asked to talk to him. I asked DH if he
wanted to talk to her. He was still in pain, and shook his
head indicating no. So, I told her that he wasn't in any condition
to talk right now. She told me that I HAD to put him on the
phone, that she wanted to give him a good talking to, and that I
wasn't good enough for him, and so on and so forth. I told
her that DH was not able to talk, and certainly wasn't in any condition
to listen to her talk to him in that kind of a way. She went
even more hysterical, and called me a little witch. She told
me that it was stress that killed his father, and that if her son
died, it would be on my head. I told her that I'd had someone
call her out of the goodness of my heart, and that she had no right
to say what she was saying. She went off on another tangent,
and I told her, "Good-bye, I am going to hang up now."
And I did. When the phone rang again, I didn't answer it.
Signed - My Fault If
He Dies?! SCR*W YOU!!!
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- ColoradoHusker /Posted: 13-MAY-02
My DH and I recently met with our attorney to update
our wills, in light of having a baby. The attorney asked us
what type of inheritance we may be getting when our parents die.
I explained that my parents would, more than likely, leave us money.
DH said that he knows that MIL will leave her house to both him
and BIL After reviewing everything, it became very clear that
it was in our best interest not to be associated with MIL's house
(it would be counted as a 2nd home for us), and it was best to convert
it to cash ASAP. DH said that he, MIL, and BIL talked about
this a looooong time ago. The three of them agreed that, as
soon as MIL passes, BIL will either buy DH out by getting a mortgage
on it, or they would sell the house and split the money. There's
nothing in writing. First of all, BIL has NO credit.
MIL has always been his bank. He's lived with MIL all his
life. The only thing even remotely worth anything is his pickup,
which was, basically, totaled, and he used junkyard parts to fix
it up. Furthermore, DH says that BIL's job only pays him about
$10/hour. We guess MIL's home to be worth $100,000 on the
low end, and there's no way that BIL would qualify for a loan.
Second, MIL's house needs a lot of work. MIL was a heavy smoker,
and BIL still is. When MIL quit smoking, DH painted most of
the inside, and completely remodeled the kitchen. BIL smokes
outside in the backyard, but throws the butts all over the place,
and never cleans it up. Nor does he clean up the dog droppings.
DH feels that the minute that MIL passes, BIL will be smoking inside,
and it will have to be painted again. In addition, to all
of this, the foundation has serious problems, and one company gave
an estimate of $20,000 to fix it. There, also, could be problems
with the roof. MIL made it clear, during the meeting, that
she wanted BIL to be able to live there as long as he wanted.
That's fine, but if he doesn't buy DH out, DH's and my credit, house,
and cars are on the line. If BIL doesn't pay the taxes, the
county will come to us. BIL has nothing to lose - the house
is paid off. What are they going to do, take away his cr@ppy
truck? DH and I have a considerably more expensive house,
money in the bank, cars, and other assets. If DH and BIL were
to apply for a loan against the house to fix it up, it would only
be DH (with the help of my credit) who would qualify. DH had
a bankruptcy several years ago, and it's only my credit that is
pulling his rating up at this point. BUT, even if DH qualified
all on his own, everything we own together (the house, the bank
accounts) would all be up for grabs. If BIL failed to make
any payment, they would come after us (we'd ask BIL to pay on the
loan in lieu of rent to us). Believe me, we don't exactly
have $ to spare; we are on a very aggressive payment plan for DH's
college loan, and we have a saving plan for college and retirement.
The attorney is not very happy with this situation, as he knows
how hard we have worked to be in the position we are in. He
also pointed out that, since nothing was in writing, BIL could play
dumb and renege on the whole deal. His advice was to get a
copy of MIL's will. It makes a world of difference as to who
is listed as executor of the will. If it's BIL, we are screwed.
We'd have to force a sale of the house through the court.
We also may have to foot the bill for all repairs ourselves to get
the house into a sellable condition. If DH is the executor,
he will be able to make final decisions about the property.
BUT, if MIL has it written in a way that allows BIL to stay in the
home until he dies, we're screwed. I could see BIL living
footloose and fancy free, letting us pay for everything, because
he knows that we have more to lose. Given the recent relationship
developments between DH and BIL, BIL will do it just out of spite.
The chances of us getting a copy of MIL's will is about zero - she'd
freak. And, to make matters worse, the attorney asked about
DH's dad. DH explained the whole sordid story, "dad"
is out of the picture. MIL is still married to him, etc.
Well, it turns out that it's a federal law that, no matter the condition
of the relationship, the surviving spouse is entitled to a certain
percentage of the deceased's estate. So, "dad",
who left the family 20 years ago, and who DH hates, will get a portion.
MIL had once asked us to lie to everyone and say that she got a
divorce, but that the papers were "lost" (like you can't
walk to the courthouse and get the information!). Frankly,
the attorney and I are wondering if MIL and "dad" were
ever married in the first place! Wouldn't that explain why
she won't tap into his military retirement and social security?
If we even try to talk to MIL about all of this, she just gets all
upset. Why were we talking about her business? What
did the attorney say about her? Further, it turns out that
DH doesn't even know where the will might be. He doesn't know
if she has a safety deposit box, a safe, or anything. He doesn't
even have a clue as to who her attorney may have been!
RESPONSE: Want To Buy A House?
If the house is left to BIL and DH, why not just take DH's name
off of it? Giving it to BIL may make you lose the $ from your
share, but you won't have to deal with any headaches about selling,
taxes, repairs, etc.
RESPONSE: Want To Buy A House?
If your BIL wants to live in the house that his mother left for
him in her will, let him. If you are so worried about your
husband's credit rating or whatever, I'm sure there's a way to sign
over the house to your BIL and let him have to take care of everything.
It just sounds as if your main concern is the money. How would
you like it if someone ignored the provisions you made if your will?
You sound like a very greedy person from your post. By the
way, I am not a MIL. I'm not even a female. So please
don't think that this post was written out by some spiteful MIL.
RESPONSE: Want To Buy A House?
Regarding your concerns about how BIL could ruin your credit and
make your life he!! because of the house, are you certain that it
is worth the hassle. It sounds like it may cost you more in
terms of money and stress than you may get out of it. I wonder
if you might be better off getting your interest in that house removed
to protect yourselves from any liability. It might be better
to leave it solely to BIL, and let him assume all responsibility
for it (and for any loss). I do not have a tactful way to
request to forfeit this inheritance and the associated hassles,
but maybe your attorney might if he agrees that it may cause more
problems than it is worth.
RESPONSE: Want To Buy A House?
A very simple solution would be to tell your MIL to amend her will
and leave her house to your husband's brother. It is clear
that you and your husband are much better off than your BIL.
He is living with your MIL, and might very well end up taking care
of her if her health fails. So, let him have the house, and
free yourself from so much potential trouble. Why are you
even worrying about all this now? No offense, but your focus
on all this seems rather greedy.
RESPONSE: Want To Buy A House?
If your attorney told you the bit about, "It's a federal law
that the surviving spouse gets a portion of the house", get
a new attorney. That's incorrect. Estates and probate
matters are handled by the individual states, not by the federal
government. And, if your MIL hasn't divorced a guy who has
been missing for 20 years, what's up with that? It wouldn't
be very hard to have an uncontested divorce on the grounds of abandonment
- why won't she? You could offer to help pay for it.
It won't be expensive. And frankly, you probably don't even
need a lawyer. In most counties, there are forms at the county
courthouse that you can follow on your own, without a lawyer, especially
since there are no minor children/child support issues for your
MIL. Your MIL should get a divorce decree pronto. And,
regarding the icky house, you could always just give up your half
(of not much) by a quit claim deed to BIL. Better nothing,
than handling a stinking mess.
OK, now that DH and
I are finally married, and have been happily married for three months,
I have more stories to tell. This one is just a bunch of little
things. By the way, I got pregnant before we were married.
I am due in June, thank you, thank you. As you can guess,
MIL wasn't too happy about that. She told DH that they had
"no idea what kind of a mother I would be". DH actually
stood up for me that time and said, "Well, ma, no one knew
what kind of a mother you would be, either." I would
have preferred it if he'd added, "You manipulative, lying,
b!tch," to that, but I guess he can't be perfect. She
has gone on to tell him that she didn't think I'd be a good mother,
and, because of my background, I have an increased risk. She
has told me to my face that I don't keep the apartment clean enough,
and that I need to do more self grooming. I have long red
hair, and I don't like putting it up, because it is difficult.
I had a bad haircut, and am waiting for it to grow out long ENOUGH
so that it will look good up. She attacked me one night, after
I got home from a long day of work. I had taken my hair down
from its half pony tail (she had, by the way, dropped by unannounced),
and she said, "Don't you EVER brush your hair?!"
Like it's any of her damn business. Then, she started attacking
both DH and me, and I told her that if she was going to talk to
us that way, she could just get out of our apartment. She
turned to me, and with a sneer on her face said, "OUR apartment?
Have you paid one dollar towards this place?" Keep in
mind that DH did not have a job at this time, and I was the one
paying for our rent, food, electricity, phone bill, gas, and credit
card bill - all by myself. It was not DH's fault - he goes
to school full time, and has a good job now. He still goes
to school full time. But at that time, he was looking for
a job. I said, "Yes," and told her to get out of
our apartment. She left in a huff. She now claims that
I am trying to keep DH away from his side of the family, and that
I am being selfish with him. Keep in mind that we are expecting
our first child, and this pregnancy has not been all flowers and
wine for me. I had horrible morning sickness for the first
four months, and then had heartburn for the next couple of months.
And, now I have morning sickness, and heartburn, a weight lifting
limit of under twenty pounds. In addition, I have been having
contractions for the past week (my baby is not due for another two
months), and my cervix is slightly opened (not to mention that I
have a bladder infection, and have to go to the bathroom every five
minutes). I found out today that I am severely dehydrated,
lack energy, and am supposed to take it easy. And, this woman
complains that we are not making a four and a half hour trip to
see her family every weekend. She only lives forty five minutes
away, but his grandparents (where all the gatherings take place),
live four and a half hours away. She has also insinuated that
I will use the baby as punishment for her, and worries that I will
not let her see her grandbaby. She was over the other night,
uninvited of course, and wanted to feel the baby move. I let
her put her hand on my tummy, and the baby stopped moving (he doesn't
like her already). I told her he was just being obstinate,
and she snapped, "Don't say that about my grandson."
I get the feeling that she is going to try to take over the baby
once he gets here. She wanted to go into the ultrasound room
with me, and when she found out there was only one person allowed,
and I wanted it to be DH, she got pissed and threw a fit.
I didn't give in, though. She also wants to be present for
the birth (NO FREAKING WAY). I do not want visitors for at
least five hours after the baby is born, and I know she will be
at the door as soon as she gets the call that I am in labor.
I am going to instruct the doctors that no one, except DH, the nurses
and doctors, are to be allowed in the room for at LEAST five hours
after the birth. I would actually like a WEEK before visitors,
but I don't think that's going to fly with DH. Maybe I can
convince him. She thinks DH should go and live with her, mow
her lawn, paint her house, fix her gutters, and help her around
the house. Uh, hello. He has a new wife, a baby on the
way, goes to school full time, works, drives me to my doctor's appointments,
helps around the house here. And, yet, she expects him to
come and live with her and do all of that? I don't think so.
Oh, here is one last disgusting, gory, totally repulsive thing to
tell: MIL has a crush on DH. I swear to God, she has
a crush on her own son. While she was in the apartment one
day, she kissed him straight on the lips. And, it wasn't a
quick peck either, it was lingering. DH had to jerk away from
her, and then she acted all embarrassed, like it was an accident.
But, while her lips were on my husband's, she looked at me.
And, then, she smirked at me when DH wasn't looking. OK, yeah,
the woman has serious mental problems. When she hugs him,
she presses her full body against his, as tight as she can, until
he pulls away from her. She also puts her arms around his
neck, and basically hangs on him. She puts her face right
up in his and tells him she loves him, and she gets uncomfortably
close to his lips with hers. She also makes sure her WHOLE
body is pressing against his, and that includes the groin area.
DH, literally, has to pry her off of him. I don't know how
to mention to her that the way she touches my husband bothers me.
I don't want anything to do with her, at all. If it weren't
for DH, I would never see her again. In fact, and this sounds
terrible, I wouldn't care if she died (beyond the fact that DH would
be upset). Am I a bitch for thinking that? Maybe.
But, then again, maybe not. She has put me through so much
cr@p. At one point, she even asked DH if I was blackmailing
him into staying with me, and she told him that she could get him
the best lawyer. She also said that it wasn't too late to
back out of the baby - she said that we could get an abortion or
put the baby up for adoption. She tried to convince DH to
back out of marrying me, on our wedding day too. And, she
always lays guilt trips on DH about how he wouldn't treat her that
way if his father was still alive. Maybe if his father was
still alive, she wouldn't feel the need to replace him with her
son, and she wouldn't need therapy so damn much. I sound harsh,
but I swear, the woman is CRAZY. And I mean that.
Signed - Tired of A Manipulative
MIL
RESPONSE: Tired of A Manipulative MIL
Don't even TELL her when you go into labor. Give her the news
well after the baby arrives.
RESPONSE: Tired of A Manipulative MIL
Congrats on your baby! From your post, I can only think that
your MIL has serious emotional and behavioral problems. If
you are already under stress from this woman, and she is causing
problems with your pregnancy, you need to cut off contact with her.
Write her a very nice email stating that your doctor is a bit concerned
about the baby, and ordered you to take it easy. Tell her
that nothing is wrong, and the baby is fine so far, but you are
going to do as little as possible for the next couple of months
to ensure a safe arrival. Tell her you'll be brushing your
hair, though! Buy a caller ID box, and refuse to answer the
phone. Don't open the door if she shows up. Talk to
your DH. Maybe you can compromise on a set time of the week
that you can talk to or see this woman. Women like this DO
NOT change once a baby arrives. They become worse, and even
more manipulative and hateful. Give her ONE chance with your
baby, and if she even hints at anything negative, tell her to get
lost until she apologizes and respects you as a mother. Don't
let her ruin your birth experience. And, tell the nurses at
the hospital that NO ONE is allowed for 5 hours. They'll enforce
it for you. Good luck! And congrats again on the baby!
RESPONSE: Tired of A Manipulative MIL
You poor thing! I feel so badly for you after having read
your post. You deserve a prize for putting up with your MIL
after all of her mistreatment! Your husband sounds like a
spineless WUSS for not standing up to her. The incestuous
relationship she has with him is just sick! There is such
a thing as emotional incest. She needs some serious help.
Doesn't your husband say anything to her when she rubs up against
him? Also, I'm sure her intrusiveness will only get worse
after your baby is born. Do you live close to this woman?
If so, you should move far away. As far as your MIL commenting
on your hair looking bad, that is none of her business. And,
I don't blame you for telling her to leave your apartment.
I would have told her a thing or two more than that! When
you go to the hospital to have the baby, who says you have to call
your MIL??? I would only call once I had the chance to rest.
Then, when you take your baby home from the hospital, you should
ask your mother, or someone from your side of the family, to help
out, if needed. I wish you the best of luck! God bless.
RESPONSE: Tired of A Manipulative MIL
Do not let your husband call her when you go into labor. This
is a lesson I learned the hard way. When my MIL was called
it was 3:00 am, so we got her answering machine. We left the
message that my water broke, the contractions were close, and that
we were going to the hospital. Now, mind you, this woman lives
an hour away from us and the hospital we were using. At 5:00
am, my MIL came walking into my labor room. She turned on
the lights and TV, sat down, and started commenting on how well
I was taking it (the labor). In hindsight, we should have
waited until after the birth. Then, my husband should have
called to say that we were at the hospital, and just gave birth.
RESPONSE: Tired of A Manipulative MIL
Oh my! You certainly have my sympathies. This woman
is nuts! The way she kisses him is totally inappropriate,
and I wonder how long this has gone on? Has she abused him
before, in any way? Maybe you can bring it up gently to him,
and then he, in turn, can get her to seek help? Good luck
with your baby-on-the-way!
RESPONSE: Tired of A Manipulative MIL
Oh, I am so in your corner. My MIL also is in love with her
son. She is ALL over him - she kisses and hugs him.
She is always saying stuff like, "Do you like mommy's outfit?"
"Do you like the dinner mommy made?" My husband
is in his 30's - he hasn't called his mother "mommy" in
a lonnnnnnng time. Anyway, my advice is to talk to your DH
about how HE is an adult now, and is grown up. And, talk about
why he needs to stand up for himself (and you), even though it is
his mother.
RESPONSE: Tired of A Manipulative MIL
I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this. So
many of us have similar stories, but you seem to have the MIL who
is actually acting out physically with her son. Remember that
you can outsmart her. If she is this intense in her attempt
to have her son, she is vulnerable to a similar degree. Just
enjoy your husband - openly and brazenly! That will drive
her crazy. Seriously though, I would get therapy to help me
cope with a MIL like her. Also, focus on the things in life
that matter to you. Read, play sports, dance, whatever.
Focus on your own life pleasures. You are wasting precious
time thinking about your MIL. She has proven that she can't
have even a half-decent relationship with you, so you should let
yourself off the hook. My favorite saying is "The good
life is the best revenge". Let that be your mantra.
RESPONSE: Tired of A Manipulative MIL
What a creepy story! It made me shudder when you described
the way your MIL presses against your DH, and lingers near or ON
his lips when she kisses him! YUCK!! But, it's more
than just disgusting - she's MENTAL! Why in the world doesn't
your husband set some personal boundaries for himself, and tell
this woman to behave herself?? She has an array of serious
problems, but acting in a sensual way towards her own son, while
she smirks at you, is truly SICK!! You and DH should seek
the advice of a therapist as to how best to handle this wacko.
At the very least, your husband should be made to realize that he
in no way has to endure her sickening gestures, and can take action
to change it. MIL may never change or seek the help she so
desperately needs. But, you can't live your lives trying to
cope with her at every turn. Both of you need to set some
boundaries and make some rules. And, you need to stand by
them until she realizes that her lascivious behavior, childish fits,
and unreasonable demands aren't going to be tolerated. I wouldn't
let her ever be alone with your baby after it's born, either.
There's no telling what she's capable of, and I would never trust
her out of my sight with the child. I hope you find some peace
and resolution to all of this so you can enjoy your new baby.
Best of luck to you!!
RESPONSE: Tired of A Manipulative MIL
You are NOT a b!tch! I feel the same way (that other than
feeling badly for FH, I would not be upset if my FIL did not exist).
I feel badly saying that. But, at this point, they do nothing
but ruin my life. Also, you said that if FIL was still alive,
she wouldn't be acting like this. YES, SHE WOULD! My
FFIL is alive, and they BOTH act like this, and try to convince
DS that I am playing with his head! So, I wouldn't be so sure
that a FIL would solve your problems. I have FIL and MIL,
and they both guilt DS. Each one has their own horrible, guilting
way!
RESPONSE: Tired of A Manipulative MIL
Oh my gosh!! How on earth do you put up with that monster?
I thought that I had it bad with the financially irresponsible in-laws!!
How embarrassing for all of you, with her sprawling all over your
poor DH - I am cringing now!! She is definitely jealous of
you. But, don't worry. Just hang on in there, and soon
your husband will tire of her repulsive and intrusive ways.
And then it will be, "Bye, Bye to the manipulative MIL!!"
PS Congrats on your pregs! Sorry to hear about the morning
sickness, etc., etc. - but, it will be all worth it when you have
your little bundle of joy!
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