My ex-MIL was a descendant
of the Mayflower, and had very set ideas about how things should
be done. She was fanatical about getting my stepdaughter to
use her idea of proper table manners. I eat European style
(no switching of the knife and fork). My step-kid did the
same thing, and was corrected by my ex-MIL. Step said, "Step-mom
eats like this," and MIL said, "Well, she is different."
Like I'm some uneducated bohunk! Puhleeese. I was more
educated and mannered than her precious son, who is now 42, ungroomed,
and working as a waitron.
Signed - Step-mom the
Happy Bohunk
When my husband and
I started seriously dating, I was invited out to dinner to meet
his parents. During the meal, his mother asked about his old
girlfriend from high school. I couldn't believe it - how rude.
In the 5 years that we've been together, she continues to bring
up past relationships (a different girl's name each time).
Although it's getting better, she seems to have a hard time accepting
that he's moved on, and has chosen me. I know that I am not
who she wanted her son to marry.
Signed - He's Moved On
RESPONSE: He's Moved On
I can sympathize totally here! The ex was regularly brought
up in conversation when I first dated my DH, which I thought was
odd, as they split up over a year before we got together!
It also took MIL another year to take down the photo of the ugly
duckling, which in total makes two years of his ex being up amongst
the shrine of photos of just herself! On Christmas day of
the year I was getting married, MIL thought it would be lovely to
look at her wedding photos, which proved to me that this woman's
bad taste in style dated back to her youth! However, moving
on, it was nice to see her special day! She then got out the
comparisons - her 25 year wedding anniversary pictures. Apart
from confirming that she still had not been gifted with style, there,
shoved under my nose, was the ex (looking about as attractive as
the back end of a bus!). I can rise above it all and quite
easily brush it off (now that I am a bit older and wiser), but isn't
it pathetic! As my revenge of her insensitivity, I now have
photos of my DH, my friends and my family displayed, and none of
her. I did (thinking it would be funny) put a couple of lovely
ones of her with her eyes shut into a photo album!! She was
not impressed!!
RESPONSE: He's Moved On
I went through this same thing, and it took me 4 years to finally
resolve this! After years of hearing little comments and stories
about ex-girlfriends, I finally told my husband (then boyfriend)
that if his mother made one more reference to an ex-girlfriend,
then I was going to get MY mother to start talking about my ex-boyfriends
in front of him. My DH actually denied that his mom brought
up the subject of exes! Well, the very next time we saw her,
she, of course, started reminiscing about one of his exes.
I kicked him under the table. He said "Mom, we've heard
this story a thousand times. And besides, I'm sure DW is sick
of hearing about my ancient history, and so am I." MIL
said to me, "You don't mind hearing these stories, do you?"
And I said, "Actually, YES, I do." Anyway, that
was the end of this problem for me. Maybe my story will help
you. By the way, my stupid FIL still talks about some of DH's
exes, but only because he gets me and some of the exes confused.
He'll say something like, "Remember the time we all went away
for the weekend to such and such a place?" And of course,
it wasn't me who was with them at the time. Anyway, with FIL,
I know it is just confusion, not malice, so I let it go. Good
luck. I know how you feel.
I have a MIL who lives
next door. As a matter of fact, you could spit on their house.
I hate it here so badly. The day we got engaged, she wanted
her son to live very close at hand. My husband is her only
child. I wanted so much to move away from them, but "no"
was the answer. When my husband and I were dating, she made
him call her when he was going to be late, as that caused problems.
The day we were married, she was upset because my parents were sitting
at her table (she didn't like my mother at all). When we came
back from our honeymoon, my MIL called over to see what we were
doing, as we had the blinds all closed. When my husband answered
the phone, she was mad because we were still in bed. I became
very upset. As a matter of fact, I threatened to leave him.
Well, as time went on, my MIL started going to our mailbox and taking
the mail out (so I couldn't get it, as she said that this wasn't
my home, it was not my mail, and this was her son's house).
She said, "You just live there because he married you, and
you are a house guest." I told my husband, and he really
didn't seem to get upset. I told him that I wasn't putting
up with this much longer. He used to go and tell her when
we had fights. And, then, she would call me and tell me to
grow up and respect her son. This went on for a very long
time. She hated to know that we were having sex, as she didn't
approve at all - until I became pregnant with our son. We
have been married for nearly 16 years, and to this present day,
she watches every move we make. She always asks where we have
been. I have had 29 surgeries, as I have a disease that will
eventually take my life. She has not changed since I became
sick. Please, help me in someway to deal with this.
Signed - She Watches
Every Move We Make
RESPONSE: She Watches Every Move We Make
MOVE!!! For goodness' sake, you should never have agreed to
live next door to the woman. And your husband sounds like
a simpering crybaby. If he won't move with you, let them have
each other!
RESPONSE: She Watches Every Move We Make
I hate to tell you this, but it's never going to change. You
should have put your foot down with YOUR HUSBAND right from the
beginning. I blame him for letting her pry into your life.
Just make the best of it. After 16 years, you won't change
things, unless she leaves.
RESPONSE: She Watches Every Move We Make
I am so sorry you have to put up with a MIL like her. Since
you are probably limited in what you can do in terms of your illness,
the best thing is to make the best of a bad situation. When
she asks her where you have been, stare at her blankly and say,
"I'm sorry I have a headache from all this medication, please
excuse me." Don't say another word, and just walk away.
Keep the blinds on the windows shut, and if she comes over, don't
answer the door. If she insists, tell her you need to take
a nap and ask her to leave. If she says that your house is
not your home, and that you are just a house guest, say, "Does
that make you a house guest next door as well?" The best
thing to do is to ignore her. If she continues to push, then
set up firm boundaries. Place a note on your mailbox stating
that it is a federal offense to tamper with someone else's mail.
Better yet, go to the post office and file a complaint that someone
is taking your mail. They may place a watch. And, if
they see her walking from her house to your mailbox to take your
mail, they may arrest her. This will at least give you a few
days of peace from her, depending on how fast she can get a lawyer.
Keep up your spirits. You need your rest.
RESPONSE: She Watches Every Move We Make
OMG! Your MIL sounds exactly like my ex-MIL! Mine eventually
caused a divorce between her darling son and me, and I'm glad we
parted, truthfully. Life was he!! as long as she was alive
- she saw to that. Anyway, my advice to you is move to the
other side of the planet (or at least another town) where she can't
be in your business every waking moment. I don't know how
you could've put up with her all these years! You must be
a saint!! People like her never change. They're evil,
miserable, and toxic to your well-being. Are you still living
"spitting distance" away from her?? The ONLY way
to deal with her type is to have ZERO contact. Move, don't
give her the new address or phone number, and don't answer the door
or her calls if she does find out where you are! If your husband
must maintain contact, then tell him that he will have to go to
her, because she is not allowed in your home anymore. I can't
imagine that you'd want her in your life (or your children's lives
either) in any way, shape, or form. If it's been 16 years
though, this will be a lot harder to do than it would've been at
the very beginning. A certain amount of acceptance or tolerance
on your part must've already been established if you're still married
to her son, and still in the same house. But stand your ground!!
You deserve some peace and happiness in your life!! Best of
luck to you with this evil woman, and with your health concerns.
You might find that your health even improves when you get her out
of your life for good!!!
RESPONSE: She Watches Every Move We Make
You should have moved a LONG time ago, with your DH or without him.
I am sorry to sound so harsh, but that is the truth. It is
ALWAYS a mistake (well, almost always) to live right next door to
your in-laws. They will take rein over your life, and they
will control you no matter what. My advice to you is to get
counseling with DH. If he doesn't go, go anyway, and tell
him you want to move, and would love it if he moved with you.
If he doesn't want to go because of mommy dearest, let him stay
there - and you move with your children. It is high time that
YOU take control over YOUR life. Good luck.
RESPONSE: She Watches Every Move We Make
Oh honey, how I wish I could offer some words of wisdom to you.
What bothers me is that this has been happening to you for 16 years.
This makes me realize that my situation will continue for that long
too. My husband is an only child. His mother is very
much the same way as your MIL. We do not live next door, but
if we go anywhere, she wants to know where and when we come back.
She even calls around looking for us when she doesn't know where
we are. She always asks my DH how many hours he has made at
work, and he has shown his pay stub to her on many occasions.
This is one of the many things I have blown up about. He doesn't
show it to her anymore, but I am sure he tells her. She calls
at least every other day, and sometimes several times a day.
We have a daughter (she is 2), and MIL has told her to call her
"mommy", and to call me by my first name. She has
told me that she was a better mother than I am. She constantly
talks about his exes too. She hated them when they were with
her DS, but now that they are apart, she likes them. Of course,
she isn't fond of me. I wish I could say something that would
make you feel better. It's hard to ignore someone like that,
though. My husband won't stand up to his mother either.
Are we married to wusses? Maybe your DH will speak up to her
before she drives you insane. I have read some of the postings
here to my DH, and he is starting to get a clue that his mother
is psycho. I am sorry to hear of your illness. I know
that it can't be easy with everything piled on top of each other.
I will pray for you that you receive a miracle in your relationship
and in your health.
RESPONSE: She Watches Every Move We Make
I am very sorry for the pain and grief that you have been going
through. I don't know what to tell you, because I feel that
at this point, the only thing you can do is ACTUALLY leave.
I feel that you have had this go on for way too long, and it's too
late to change things now (even if you did open up your mouth).
Is there anywhere you can go if you leave DH? How often did
you tell him how she made you feel, and what it felt like living
like this? I don't know the answers to these questions, but
I do know that DH is the one who has allowed this, and you allowed
HIM to allow it! I really wish that you could leave for a
while, for your own medical sake, and scare the pants off of DH.
However, I can say that your story is a lesson for those of us just
starting off with our ILs. I have been putting my foot down
since one year into the relationship, and I have never let anything
that they do that upsets me slide. I haven't seen my ILs in
over 6 months, due to who they are and what they want. And
your story only supports my choice. WE have to nip these damn
ILs in the bud, before it's too late and they take over! The
ILs have more control over DH than you do!
The latest story I entered
was April 4th, titled, "The Dreamer". My MIL hates
me so much for stealing her son and brainwashing him (so she feels).
I am starting to get a little concerned for my safety. Just
this morning I spoke to her SIL, who asked me if I was at all concerned
that she would come after me. My reply was, "Not if she
were to come after me." Then her SIL said, "What
if she had someone else do it?" I would not put anything
past this woman. I never thought she would do a lot of the
things she has done in my 9 year marriage. But, at this point,
who knows. I would kid around with my DH, saying that I had
better watch out - she could be sending a hit man to my door.
Now, this was only a joke between us. Now, his own aunt is
saying it to me. She speaks to her regularly, and doesn't
tell me a lot of what MIL says, because I am trying to move past
this person in my life, and she knows that I don't need to hear
it. She has ruined so many special occasions for all of us.
I feel I may be overreacting, but, at the same time, I am getting
uncomfortable with this whole situation. We live far away
from each other, so we have no contact. We are now moving
to a new town, and DH had to leave to start his new job. So,
I am alone for the next 2 weeks. He also took our protective
dog with him, because we have a fair number of pets, and they all
wouldn't fit in one vehicle. Of course, I jump at every noise
I hear. This is just too crazy!!!! Can I do anything???
Thanks again for listening.
Signed - The Dreamer
Again
RESPONSE: The Dreamer Again
Do you have any big, strong friends who can stay with you?
You should make a police report about this sick woman. And
then, if something were (God forbid) to happen to you, they'd know
who was behind it. Don't forget to mention that suspicious
chat you had with her (was it?) sister(?)!
RESPONSE: The Dreamer Again
I personally don't think you're over reacting. If that aunt
was concerned enough to call you and tell you what MIL said to her,
then MIL must've been pretty serious. If you can, get a friend
(or friends) to stay with you until you move. Or, you stay
with a friend. If this is to the point where you're afraid
to go to sleep, go to a hotel, and don't tell anyone where you are.
Ask that aunt, in all seriousness, what MIL actually said to make
her say that to you. If the aunt is willing to cooperate,
get a restraining order against your MIL. What a witch.
RESPONSE: The Dreamer Again
Stay with someone else - your parents or another relative.
Tell your DH, and ask him to talk to his mother. If you can't
do this, then call the police. Tell them that you fear for
your safety, and you have reason to believe that your MIL may hurt
you, or may have someone else hurt you. Maybe they can have
a patrol car drive by your house at night.
RESPONSE: The Dreamer Again
Is DH worried about this at all? Did you ever voice your concerns
to him? I, too, wonder if one day the ILs will try to kill
me. I am sure the hate is sooooo strong because I took away
their baby boy (he's 31!). My ILs also say that I have DS
brainwashed and confused. And that because of this, he doesn't
know if he is coming or going. They said this directly to
me on Mothers Day, so I hung up on them. These ILs are sick,
so of course I don't put ANYTHING past them! How dare they
blame us for giving their DS's REAL LIVES, not the sick little lives
they wanted their DS's to have (under mommy and daddy's wings forever!).
I am right here with you, and I often imagine them killing me too!
You need to tell DH what SIL said - immediately, just in case anything
weird happens, not to scare you.
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- RJC 1 of 4 needed /Posted: 14-MAY-02
I knew from the beginning that my future MIL and
SIL did not like me. Actually, my future MIL doesn't like
anyone marrying into her family. She has caused a lot of problems
for her SIL and brother. I have been with my fiancé
for 5 years, and they didn't waste time to start in on me.
My future MIL thinks that everything should be modeled after her
life. She and her husband are not divorced, yet they don't
live with each other either. They both live in different states.
Because they don't see each other often, she feels that my fiancé
and I spend too much time together, which we really don't.
It started when we went to a wedding about 4 years ago. Some
of his relatives were coming up to me and saying, "We feel
so sorry for you." I didn't know what they were talking
about. It seems that his mother and sister were telling people
that I was a control freak. Weeks later, I went to my fiancé's
house, and we had planned to go out after. My future MIL came
barreling into the living room screaming, "Don't you know the
rules!!!" I was thinking, "What is she talking about?"
It seems that she and my future SIL decided that Sunday was family
day. So, I needed to go home, and my fiancé needed
to stay home. They also decided that my fiancé (at
the time my boyfriend) and I should only be allowed to see each
other 3 days a week! He was 22 at the time. To top if
off, she said that two days a week could be spent at my house, and
1 day had to be spent at their home. His 18 year old sister
decided that she was going to go on dates with us during those three
days (she is a big loser who NO ONE LIKES)! My fiancé,
who didn't have a spine at the time, agreed and went along with
them for a while. But, I'd had enough. I wouldn't go
to his house, and I wouldn't allow his sister to go out with us.
He'd had enough, too. He decided that he was not going to
listen to them. She told him that if he wanted to see me,
he would have to start paying rent. So he did. Things
were going pretty smoothly for a while. Then my future MIL
started in again about how much time we spend together. She
tried to enforce the rules again. So I went to her house and
had a big fight with her. I told her that if she continued
this behavior and I married her son, she would not be welcomed into
my house. Things cooled down for a while. We got engaged,
and I wanted to smooth things over with my MIL, so I invited her
out to dinner. I told her that I was not happy with how I
was treated. My MIL said that the reason she was acting like
that was because she couldn't let her son go (PLEASE). She
apologized, but in the same breath she said, "You know this
dinner is taking time away from my kids." She says stuff
like that all the time. Now she tells everyone that she has
no problem with me, and that I am the one who doesn't like her.
She twists everything around. She is just a controlling, mean,
unhappy woman.
RESPONSE: What A Welcome!
I'm sorry you have to deal with a MIL much like mine! The
best thing you can do is to ask your fiancé to come live
with you, and then move as far away from this evil MIL as possible.
The SIL sounds like carbon copy of the MIL. Man, what is it
with these interfering, sick jerks! I dealt with these things
from my MIL and SIL for almost a decade. It hurts when your
own DH will not see what is in front of his face, and come to your
defense!!!!! Don't let it get that far. TALK with him
now, and have no doubt that he WILL NOT let these b!tch's ruin the
rest of what should be a happy life together!!!!!! I AM SO
SERIOUS!!!!!!
RESPONSE: What A Welcome!
YOU will never change MIL's attitude. Her son is the one who
should intervene and stick up for you. His unwillingness to
take her on creates the problem. Her rules (and everyone's
observance of them!) are a big sign that baby boy has not asserted
himself as an adult. The time has come to grow up!!
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