For Christmas, a couple
of years ago, my IL's were going out of state to visit another family.
I asked my MIL if she would mind picking up a special gift (a tie)
for me to give to my husband. She sounded as if she was happy
to do it. When they returned home, she called me and said
that she had gotten my husband some clothes, and asked whether she
should she give him the tie with this outfit or the other one.
I was dumbfounded. She knew that I wanted to be the one to
give him the tie, not her. At first, I said that I wasn't
sure, and then we hung up. After some thinking, I decided
to not give in to her. I called her back and told her that
I wanted to give him the tie. She didn't sound happy, but
she agreed to it. Of course, I got the check to her right
away so she would give me the merchandise!
Signed - Stolen Gift
Ideas
RESPONSE: Stolen Gift Ideas
There's a saying, something like, "Great things can be done
if we don't care who gets the credit." I think I would
have just let her give it to him, you know? If she wants to
be that way. I guess you'll think twice before asking any
favors from her, since she's so difficult about it. But, if
that's the worst thing that happens between you, you're lucky.
It's inconsiderate of her to be so insensitive and pushy.
When my husband and
I found out we were pregnant with our first child, we were so excited.
We had gone several years believing that we were unable to have
children. We decided that my ILs would be the first ones to
find out. When we told them the wonderful news, my MIL's reaction
ruined the moment for us. She was anything but happy for us.
The look on her face was very angry and disappointed. She
finally managed to spit out a "congratulations", but it
definitely wasn't heartfelt. My husband and I left, upset
and confused, not sure as to why she wasn't happy for us (we didn't
let her know that we were upset, however - we really weren't going
to let her spoil it for us). After we had the baby, she discovered
what a blessing our little baby is, and she is a terrific grandmother.
Thank goodness for this. However, when we went to tell her
of the 2nd child we were expecting, she gave us the same reaction
as the first - total disappointment, and a look of disgust on her
face. But, then, when the 2nd baby was born, everything was
fine. I don't quite understand the reactions, but I'm thankful
that she is a wonderful grandma, and is willing to help us out.
Signed - Baby On The
Way
RESPONSE: Baby On The Way
My FIL does this thing too! It's really irritating!!
When we told him we were pregnant the first time, he told me that
he hoped I would miscarry. The second time, he told me that
we should give the baby up for adoption. He's a great grandfather,
but you'd think he could be a little nicer at first! Of course,
my BIL and his wife get great reactions! Oh, well.
RESPONSE: Baby On The Way
Perhaps she has the nasty look on her face because to her, "We
are pregnant" means "Guess what? We've been having
a ton of sex"? Either that, or she is irritated that
her son will no longer have time to be at her beck and call??
It sounds totally weird.
RESPONSE: Baby On The Way
My MIL reacted the same way when we told her about our pregnancy.
She didn't even say congratulations. I know that with my MIL,
the reason was that she has a strong need to always be the center
of attention, and this put the attention elsewhere for a while.
Maybe yours is like mine?
RESPONSE: Baby On The Way
If it is bothering you so much, why don't you ask her? Not
all people think procreating is the best thing in the world (with
the way this country is going, and the people in it). She
treats your babies ok, so what's the problem?
RESPONSE: Baby On The Way
Wow, your MIL's response to news of a baby on the way is a little
strange! However, I am glad for you that she is a good grandma.
I just wanted to say congratulations on your little bundle of joy.
RESPONSE: Baby On The Way
Maybe she dislikes the thought of you and DH having "intimate
relations". If you think of it, when you tell her that
you are pregnant, you are telling her that you had sex with her
son. It might simply be a reaction to that. If she is
fine otherwise, let it ride.
RESPONSE: Baby On The Way
I think that some people just can't be happy for other people.
When I told my best friend that I had no regrets that I had gotten
pregnant (I had never wanted children, but had recently changed
my mind), she said that I might feel differently when I got bigger,
swollen, and much more uncomfortable than I was at the beginning.
My MIL's reaction was also disturbing. She also was surprised
by the news, and instead of reacting joyfully, she said, "What
happened?" My advice is to just ignore them, and never
expect a somewhat normal reaction from them in the future.
My MIL doesn't totally
agree with the decisions my husband and I make regarding our children.
She has told us that we are overprotective, and need to lighten
up. I'm sorry, but just because I don't want 50 strangers
swarming around and handling my newborn, that doesn't mean I'm overprotective.
Protective, yes, like any parent should be. But, we are not
overprotective. My biggest pet peeve is when strangers come
up to a baby and touch the baby's little hand. And, then,
naturally, the baby turns around and puts their hand in their mouth
- yuck, that's unnecessary germs! She also says that we shouldn't
be so picky about who watches our children (both are under the age
of 2). I will not leave my children with strangers.
I won't do it.
Signed - Unnecessary
Germs
RESPONSE: Unnecessary Germs
I agree with you 100 percent. I am exactly the same way.
I never realized it until I had kids though. Now I never touch
a baby's hands or face. My SIL let my little baby suck her
fingers. I was furious! She did not understand why I
didn't want her filthy hands in my baby's mouth. Stand your
ground. You will be the one up with a sick baby, not MIL.
RESPONSE: Unnecessary Germs
Look MIL straight in the eye and say the following: "MIL,
while I value your OPINION, I am the MOTHER of my child, and I will
make the final decision in her upbringing. DH and I have discussed
this, with advice from our doctor, and we all (THREE) agree that
what we do is best for our child. When you have a medical
degree, you can tell me what is right, health-wise, for our child.
RESPONSE: Unnecessary Germs
Good for you for sticking to your guns. Your MIL has no say
in what you do with your children. You are the mother, and
you know what is best for your kids. I am a lot like you with
my children. I too consider it "protective", rather
than "overprotective." It's our job to keep our
children safe and healthy. Too bad your MIL can't appreciate
the fact that her grandchildren have an excellent mother!
RESPONSE: Unnecessary Germs
I think you need to ignore your MIL's comments and opinions.
Or, if that is too hard to do, tell her that while you appreciate
her concern, you are going to parent your children your own way.
And, tell her that her job as a grandma is to just enjoy the grandchildren,
and not worry about the parenting decisions. I know, easier
said than done! I know of a lot of people (including me) who
have, at times, blamed the pediatrician in order to make enforcing
rules easier. "The pediatrician gave me strict orders
to limit the amount of exposure to people," or, "the pediatrician
said that there are a lot of colds going around right now.
Anybody who touches the baby should wash their hands in antibacterial
soap first. I have some really nice soap and towels set up
in the bathroom for just that purpose." Actually, you
probably don't even have to make this up. I'm sure that if
you ask your pediatrician, he/she will tell you how serious a virus
or cold can be to a newborn. Good luck, and stand your ground!
RESPONSE: Unnecessary Germs
I understand what you are going through! When my DS was born,
my MIL was the same way. She always accused me of being overly
protective, and would try to poke fun at me. What I did was
speak to my DH privately about his mother's remarks. DH assured
me that he would take care of it, but I knew MIL would turn things
around. So, what I did was limit her contact with my son.
I never said anything about it. I just did it. I kept
my son with me 99% of the time. If she called to ask if she
could come over and see him, I didn't answer the phone. Or,
I told her that we were on our way out the door, and I'd have to
get back to her (which I never did). She complained to DH,
but he always told her, "DW is in charge of the childcare in
our home. You need to go through her, as I don't always know
what she has planned." By not making a big deal about
it, she got the hint. I don't know how old your child is,
but have you considered a front pack baby carrier? When I
have my second child, I will definitely buy one!
RESPONSE: Unnecessary Germs
You sound exactly like I was with my newborns. With my first
one, I didn't realize that people can be so unthinking or obnoxious
as to actually TOUCH a baby (or get right in their face and coo
at them, breathing their germs all over them)! This bothered
me immensely, since I knew that my daughter was being exposed to
all sorts of potential illnesses this way. I solved the problem
by keeping her in her carrier whenever I went shopping or on an
outing. And, I just draped a baby blanket over the handle
so no one could even see her. This stopped the problem almost
entirely, because if people can't actually SEE the baby, most don't
have the nerve to move the blanket aside and poke their head in!
When I'd take her out in the stroller, I had one of those "bug"
nets that went completely over it. This worked great for keeping
out unwanted hands too!! You are NOT being overly protective.
It's very important that infants be protected from the general population
(and their germs) when they are small. When my second daughter
came along, even though I wasn't quite as nervous about everything,
I still used the blanket barrier when I had her out in public.
I even had to educate my new MIL about washing her hands before
handling our baby. She came from a different generation, one
that wasn't so conscious of the hazards of germs. Luckily,
she understood and always abided by our wishes. I think she
even changed her behavior with other people's children because she
was one of those people who went out of her way to look at and touch
any new baby she saw! As far as not letting just anyone watch
your children, stand your ground!! I was, and still am, that
way. My youngest is now 7, but neither she nor her older sister
has ever had a sitter, other than their grandparents. I don't
believe in the concept of daycare either. I think if you choose
to have children, then you should stay home with them. Of
course, there are exceptions with single-parents (who have no choice
sometimes). But I have always believed that NO ONE can or
will watch your child the way you would - it's as simple as that.
Don't let the "overly protective parent" comments bother
you. The ones who protest the most are just showing their
ignorance. Your children's health is far more important than
worrying if you're hurting someone's feelings (if you don't let
them touch your child or baby-sit for you). Take care, you've
made the right choices!!
I have another story
for you, but this time it concerns my wretched SIL. My MIL
recently had surgery, and I went to pay her a visit to see if she
was all right. Well, while I was at MIL's, I took a peek through
SIL's wedding album. Since it was my first time seeing them,
I had no idea what I was about to see. I couldn't not believe
my eyes. SHE STOLE MY WEDDING COLORS! If you remember
one of my posts, I told you how I had a falling out with SIL over
not being a bridesmaid for her wedding, when she was my maid of
honor. No wonder she didn't want me to be one. I would
have found out, and told her what I thought. I guess I just
thought that most families have better class than that. I
guess I was wrong. I pretty much told everyone in the family
that she is non existent to me, and that I would not be attending
anything that she would be, to avoid conflict. Anyway, I appreciate
your advice in advance. Thanks!
Signed - Colorless Bride
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
Remember, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.
In order to have been PERFECTLY sensitive to your feelings, your
SIL might have asked if you minded her using those colors (since
your weddings were close together). But most people are too
busy and wrapped up in their own lives to be "perfect"
about everything that might bother you. I don't mean to sound
mean, but I suggest that you learn to let things roll off of your
back in the future with these people. Or else you are in for
a lifetime of anger and hurt feelings. Also, try to realize
that in each family, there are different norms and customs.
So, as long as their rules are being consistently applied to everyone,
don't take it personally (something I learned the hard way over
20 years of marriage).
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
I do not mean to be rude or judgmental, but: 1. I see
no reason why SIL had to include you in her wedding. Yes,
it would have been a nice gesture, but perhaps she had CLOSER friends
and relatives whom she wanted to be near her on HER special day.
2. As far as "stealing your colors", I did not know
that one could do so. I would understand your anger if she
married before you, and used the colors that you had decided upon.
As she chose them after your wedding, I fail to see the problem.
Actually, it is a compliment to your taste. 3. As far
as "sneaking a peek", is this just a phrase, or did you
actually sneak it, without MIL's permission? If you snuck,
you are in the wrong. This is what all the DILs kvetch about
here (justifiably) - the MIL poking around in their things.
No, I am not a MIL. Everyone on the board knows me as being
very sympathetic. Unless there is more to this than I know,
and in which case I apologize, I cannot see any wrong doing on the
IL's side in this instance.
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
I guess that's hard for me to understand, since we had such a tiny
wedding. Is it really that much harm? Why couldn't you
both have the same wedding colors? I have the feeling that
I'm being clueless here.
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
I don't know your whole story, so I may be a little off on this.
I don't see what the big deal is about the wedding colors.
I've planned on using pale yellow in my wedding for quite some time
now. Recently I went to my fiancé's cousin's wedding,
and guess what color she had? Pale yellow. I had never
discussed what colors I planned on using with her, so I wasn't upset
about it. But I still plan on using that color. For
all I know though, she may be the type of person who would do stuff
like that just to be a witch. I wouldn't let it get to you.
She may have planned on using those colors all along.
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
Here's some advice: Get over it! So your SIL had similar
colors at her wedding. Why do you feel so threatened by her
choice of decor? It's not as if you own this particular set
of colors. It sounds as if you were simply not ready to be
replaced as the "new bride" in the family. I speculate
that the reason you were not chosen as a bridesmaid has more to
do with your controlling, possessive tendencies, than with the "borrowed"
wedding colors.
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
Sorry, but nobody can steal your colors, as the colors don't belong
to you. My main colors were blue and green at my wedding,
and when our good friends got married 3 months later, they had the
same colors. It didn't bother me a bit. Who cares, it
doesn't make your wedding any less special or unique to you just
because someone else used the same colors. Or at least I would
hope it wouldn't. You are probably mostly upset about not
being in the wedding party, and so you wouldn't like anything about
the wedding. When my DH's brother got married, I was the MOH,
but I didn't include her in my wedding party. It was mainly
because we weren't friends, we were not that close, and I had other
people who I wanted standing up there with me. I think she
chose me because she didn't have any other females in her life then.
Nobody from her side of the family came to her wedding, not even
her mom. My MOH is getting married in a few months, and I
am not in her wedding party either. But she has nine sisters,
so I understand that.
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
I'm sorry, but you need to grow up. You're being absurdly
childish and petty. Instead of throwing a tantrum about not
being a bridesmaid (which your SIL did NOT owe you), accept her
decision graciously. And, instead of accusing her of "stealing"
your wedding colors, you could take it as a compliment. And,
you might also remember that lots of other people probably used
those very same colors BEFORE and AFTER you ( and they did not "steal"
them). You are making a mountain out of a molehill, and I
don't imagine you're making a very favorable impression on anyone
- least of all your husband.
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
Nosey, nosey! The fact that you chose not to attend, and then
snooped through the album, might just qualify you for "Jr.
MIL" training. Anyway, you should be flattered that she
liked the same colors. Whoever said that one bride can put
a copyright on color choice? Find a hobby, and move on.
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
Have you copywritten your wedding colors? Do you expect a
commission from everyone who uses that particular shade of whatever?
How about thinking that she admired your taste. Get over it.
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
I am sure that your colors were the same as someone else's also.
Just because she liked and used the same colors as your wedding,
it does not mean a thing. It's not like she used your vows.
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
Hmmm. You threw a fit because your SIL didn't ask you to be
a bridesmaid - strike one. You threw a fit because she used
the same colors as you in her wedding - strike two. You told
everyone that she is dead to you because of it? Strike three.
I agree. No wonder she didn't want you there.
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
I'm sorry, but I don't understand the problem. You don't have
ownership of the color scheme, although I do understand that you
want to have your own, individual wedding colors in the family.
Did she use the same dresses and decorations? If the wedding
colors and dress designs were duplicated, then I could understand.
Perhaps you should look at it as a compliment. P.S.
Just because you include somebody in your wedding party, you are
not automatically part of theirs.
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
I hate to break the news to you, but there are only three primary
colors, and three secondary colors. SHE STOLE YOUR COLORS?
Is that it? Is that the cause of a rift in your family?
Please, explain. If there is more, I missed it and I'm sorry.
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
First of all, I don't want to come off as sounding insensitive.
However, why are your wedding colors so exclusive that only you
are allowed to use them? My bridesmaid gowns were burgundy
and my flowers were ivory. If a close friend or family member
also chose to have burgundy bridesmaid gowns and ivory flowers,
I would not be offended.
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
Ya know, there are not that many colors to choose from. Lots
of people have the same ones. You may be a little overly sensitive
with this one.
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
You sound like the competing one, not her. You really need
to get over yourself. There are only so many different wedding
color combinations, especially depending on the season. More
importantly, what the heck are you doing snooping at your MIL's
house? This makes you just as bad as the MILs whom people
are complaining about on this site.
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
My advice is to get over yourself. I don't think it was fair
of you to boycott your SIL's wedding just because you weren't asked
to be a bridesmaid. And so what if she used "your"
colors? Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
I think you need to let it go, or you will have a long, miserable
relationship with the ILs.
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
I didn't know that anyone "owned" colors. It sounds
to me like you are being very petty.
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
So what if she used the same colors as you? Most normal people
would take that as a compliment! And what do you mean, "No
wonder she didn't want me there,"? It was YOUR decision
to boycott her wedding.
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
Forgive me if I sound unsupportive of your distress, but it appears
to me that you have overreacted. Your SIL was under absolutely
no obligation to invite you to be a bridesmaid at her wedding.
That's not a "tit for tat" sort of thing. I gather
from your surprise at seeing the photos, that you did not attend
the wedding. Now you get miffed because she had the audacity
to use the same colors in her wedding that you used? Because
of that, you will not attend any event where she is present?
How old are you? Just because you used certain colors in your
wedding, that does not give you the right to dictate who may or
may not use those colors from now on. You do not own those
colors. Did it ever occur to you to be flattered? Did
you ever think that (maybe) she was so impressed and pleased by
your wedding, that she wanted something as wonderful as that?
I suspect that there is more to this situation with your SIL than
you are letting on, or willing to face. No mature adult would
get so bent out of shape over something like wedding colors.
Your wedding lasted one day. Your marriage and relationship
with your ILs will last forever.
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
I think you are overreacting a little bit. Do you really think
that you are the ONLY person allowed to have those colors for a
wedding (or for the rest of you life?) As long as she didn't
pick those colors out after you, and then get married BEFORE you,
I don't see a problem. Take it as a compliment that she has
NO imagination, and that she has to copy you. Trust me, you
are not the only one who sees it.
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
Are you aware of how petty that sounds? They are just friggin'
colors. So what? I would hate to see how you react to
something more controversial than this. Why is everyone so
caught up in what a bunch of rich, pompous people tell us is "proper"?
I would be flattered that someone liked what I did, and decided
to do the same.
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
Wow, how petty of you. And how awful to have told everyone
in the family about how you didn't want to see her! Not only
does this show just how unimportant this whole thing was, it also
broadcasts your cruelty and shallowness. A lot of women get
all stressed out about every detail of the wedding day, and they
don't realize that it's only one day out of their lives (and NO,
it's not the most important one). To allow what happened on
one day to decide the rest of your and SIL's lives is unfair and
moronic. Get some common sense! You're running low!
RESPONSE: Colorless Bride
Sorry, but I think you are being completely unreasonable, and you
are acting like a baby over this. "She stole my colors!"
Oh, please. The pathetic thing about this is that NO ONE,
other than your brides, will remember what your "wedding colors"
were. I am sure none of the guests remember. It is simply
a non-issue to a normal adult. I barely remember what my wedding
colors were, and I would not care if someone copied them.
Also, whatever happened to "imitation is the most sincere form
of flattery"? I was delighted when a friend of mine so
enjoyed my wedding that he and his fiancee hired the same place
for theirs. I guess if that happened to you, you would have
loudly and publicly severed the friendship. I think you are
doing yourself no favors by making such a fuss about such a trivial
thing. So she liked your idea and copied it. Or perhaps
she just likes the same colors and would have used them anyway.
Big frigging deal. Get over it. I side with 99 % of
the DILs on this site, but this time I have to say that you need
to take a deep breath and try not to be so touchy.
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- Kezziah 1 of 4 needed /Posted: 15-MAY-02
My MIL drives me so crazy. She is always going
back on promises, and lying about everything! For starters,
when I was pregnant with my son, both my mother and MIL had planned
to come to my house (they both live in another state). Then,
they decided it would be better (and cheaper for them) if they both
just chipped in for a plane ticket for me to go there. This
way, I could stay longer, and they wouldn't be spending as much
money. Well, I had the baby, and it took almost a week to
get a hold of my MIL just to let her know that her first grandchild
was born (we had left messages on her machine, paged her, and even
tried her cell phone). When it came time to get my plane ticket,
she didn't have her half for it, but she had taken a trip to another
state for no reason at all after she had made the promise of paying
for half of my ticket. My mom paid the whole thing.
After we got there, my MIL didn't show much interest in her grandchild.
DH, my son, and I were all at her house on my son's first birthday.
SHE FORGOT HIS BIRTHDAY because her wedding was the same day!
She even got mad because her family members were paying attention
to my son before and after her wedding. She just didn't want
him to be in the spotlight. Okay, so I was still back there
(but staying with my parents) for 2 months after my son's birthday.
I tried to get a hold of MIL so I could bring DS to visit her.
I left several messages on her machine, and even tried her cell
phone. I finally got in touch with her through an e-mail 2
weeks before I left. And, then she only saw him once before
we left - ONCE in 2 months! DH had left her house a week after
he got there because he had to go back to work. The day he
left, DS was running a fever of 104 degrees. I was supposed
to download something at my mom's for MIL. Well, MIL called
twice that day. Both times she asked if I had downloaded the
thing for her yet, but she didn't even ask how my son was doing,
and she knew he was running a high fever.
RESPONSE: Fed up DIL
When this type of thing happens, call her on it. "Yes,
MIL, DS is feeling slightly better, thank you for asking."
Or, "Oh, MIL, isn't it lovely for DS to be the center of attention?"
Do not let her get away with it.
RESPONSE: Fed up DIL
Good grief! That sounds like some of the nut jobs in my own
in-law family. She sounds like an emotionally needy person,
who is jealous of her own grandson. What a narcissist!
RESPONSE: Fed up DIL
MIL is a jerk - let DH handle all contact with her. If she
wants to see your child, let her call and arrange it through your
husband. Of course, he should check with you to make sure
you and baby are available. Quit forcing your child on MIL!
She is not interested - at least she isn't in your business.
Worst gift: A book entitled,
"How to Read and Why", for my thirtieth birthday.
I have expressed several times that we borrow books and read publications
at the library because our apartment is too small to store books
and periodicals, which my husband can't part with. When they
ask what we would like, we say, "no books or periodicals, please."
And then we suggest things that we do need, or we refer them to
our bridal registry. So, of course, 90% of their gifts are
books and periodicals (which we like to read, but don't have room
for). I decided to have a sense of humor about it and join
in the fun by giving my atheist FIL the book, "Was Darwin Right?"
He was too disturbed to finish reading it, but that didn't stop
him from angry criticism. The second worst gift would be a
popcorn bowl and movie book since they know I'm deathly allergic
to corn, I got 20 bowls for wedding presents, and don't care much
for movies. It is a lovely bowl and a fun idea, but it takes
up 4 square feet and has never been used. I got her a bottle
of "Gloom Away" bubble bath to make her feel better, in
light of her infernal complaints and guilt trips about how we just
don't spend enough time and attention on them (six weeks a year
is not enough). She informed me later that she was allergic
to bubble bath, so I guess we're even. Most of their gifts
have been very nice. But the most insidious is that when we
don't go home for Christmas Day (even if we visited just before
or after, bearing expensive gifts), they don't give us the $1000
they give to their other children (who don't have to spend $1000
traveling to have a bad time with them). And they wonder why
we don't visit more?
Signed - Illiterately
Yours
Note: To better handle the volume of submissions - stories
received will be posted as early as our resources will allow.
Responses to new stories will be accumulated, and then posted, all at
once, to the original story page about one week later (one set of responses
posted per day). Stories and responses will no longer move from
page to page based on status.
Worst Gift Stories
DISCLAIMER: All advice on this website is for informational
and entertainment purposes only. All responses are from reader submissions
unless specifically noted otherwise (such as Dr. Terri Apter advice page).
We do not endorse any of the advice. We provide it to you as a service.
We can neither guarantee the soundness of the advice, nor make any claims
as to the outcome of following this advice. We provide it for your
entertainment only. Should you choose to follow any of the advice,
it is solely at your own risk. This is not intended to substitute
for obtaining advice from appropriate sources and/or professional counseling.
We recommend you consult an appropriate professional, counselor, and/or
a trusted advisor before taking any action based on this advice.
B A Squared, LLC and www.motherinlawstories.com make no representations or
guarantees regarding any information dispensed on this site.
Your privacy is important to us. Click here to view our
Privacy Policy.
