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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
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May
16, 2002
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Worst gift: My MIL loves
going to the local thrift shop. She made me a gift of a container
of dried hot pepper flakes. It had been opened, and all but
one inch in the bottom of the container was used.
Signed - Long-suffering
DIL
RESPONSE: Long-suffering DIL
Puh-leeeese! That had to be an insult. From now on,
let DH buy gifts for her, from HIM. Leave your name off of
the gift tag. If she improves, you could give her gifts again.
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Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- Kezziah 2 of 4 needed /Posted: 16-MAY-02
My MIL told DH and I that she and her new hubby were
coming to visit us. Then, she turned around and told DH (online),
that they were not coming out, because she can't stand the thought
of being patted down by airport security. Two weeks later,
DH called her to see what was going on, and she and step-FIL had
just gotten back from a trip to see SFIL's brother. And, they
flew to see him! I was very upset that she could fly to see
her BIL, but couldn't fly to see her only child and only grandchild.
She then called my house a week later and asked if DH was home.
I told her he wasn't, and I started to say something about my son
before she could even say anything. She cut me off as soon
as she heard my son's name, and said, "Oh, well, I gotta go."
Why would she call my house, only to have to go 2 minutes after
I answer the phone? My husband was on the phone with her for
an hour one night (we were paying for the call) talking about her
life. And, as soon as he brought up our son, she had to get
off the phone. She never wants to hear about her grandchild.
It really makes me mad that she doesn't show much interest in my
son. I know it is hard since we live in separate states, but
my parents live in the same state as she does, and they are very
active in my son's life, despite the distance.
Signed - She Never Wants
To Hear About Her Grandchild
( I
want my own Frequent
Fry Her TM
Page )
RESPONSE: She Never Wants To Hear About Her Grandchild
Worry less about your MIL, and worry more about your child's happiness.
You child is going to figure out that MIL is an awful person, and
will not have much to do with her. That is her loss, not your
child's. Also, your DH should foster a relationship between
his mom and your child. It really isn't your place.
Stop feeling sad or angry about the missing relationship, and concentrate
on the loving relationships that can be built upon.
RESPONSE: She Never Wants To Hear About Her Grandchild
I would not return her phone calls. I wouldn't answer the
phone. I would let the answering machine get it, or get caller
ID. If she wants to be rude to you and try and split you and
your husband apart, I would just ignore her and never talk to her
again. If she decides to become an adult, then talk to her.
If not, flip up your middle finger and say so long. Lord knows
she has been doing it to you and your family.
RESPONSE: She Never Wants To Hear About Her Grandchild
To some people, kids and babies are extremely boring topics.
Some people really don't want to hear about poopy diapers.
Why don't you get DH to ask her?
RESPONSE: She Never Wants To Hear About Her Grandchild
It sounds like your MIL is a very chaste and virtuous woman if she
cannot bear to be "patted" down by airport security.
Does she belong to a very devout religious order?
RESPONSE: She Never Wants To Hear About Her Grandchild
Get Caller ID, and don't answer when she calls - let DH get it.
Stop forcing your child on her. He will be hurt by her resistance
to having a loving relationship. Be thankful your parents
are in his life.
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I need some advice on
how to handle a pushy, overbearing MIL. She was always very
possessive of my husband, and was always sure to let me know that
I came in second to "his mommy". I have a one year
old DD who is the first grandchild of my MIL, and she is driving
me insane! She tries to act like she is my baby's mother!
It started hours after I gave birth. She came to see me at
the hospital, and immediately yanked the baby out of my arms.
She is constantly doing this to me. One year later, she still
can't stand to see me holding DD. The minute she walks in
the room, I don't see my baby until she's gone (hours later).
Even if DD cries for me, she walks away with her so I can't hold
her. I work FT, and don't have much spare time to spend with
my baby. Any time I do have to spend with her, MIL is always
there, hovering over me and snatching her away from me. She
undermines everything I say, and says, "That this is how I
did it when DH was little, and he survived." She calls
the house constantly, and doesn't even say hello to me when I answer.
She says, "Let me speak to DH." When she isn't calling,
she and FIL show up unannounced. If I am feeding the baby,
she will take the bottle, and the baby, out of my hands, and tells
DD that she will feed her, because I don't know how to do it right.
I am constantly fighting with DH about this, because he never puts
his foot down with her. I have tolerated her controlling my
marriage for many years, which I know I shouldn't, but what can
I do when FIL and DH support her every move. I refuse to let
her control how my child is raised, and to make me feel like an
outsider where DD is concerned. She sees her at least 4 times
during the week, and insists that we spend every Sunday with her.
For the 8 years that I have been with DH, we spent every single
Sunday with the in-laws. I could go on forever about the horrors
she's done to me before I had the baby, but where my DD is concerned,
I really can't take it anymore. I'm sorry this is so long,
but I'm at my wit's ends trying to keep the peace with his family.
I am even starting to have anxiety attacks because of her, and I
cry all the time, because I feel so frustrated. I have no
support from DH where his mother is concerned. She is the
only reason we ever fight, and it's so often that I've threatened
divorce several times. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Signed - I'm the Mommy!
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
Your DH really needs to stand up here. Have you thought about
talking to a counselor in order to work through this? Most
grandmothers would be thrilled to see their grand kids that often,
and your MIL is overstepping her boundaries. I don't know
if it will work if your DH won't back you up, but maybe you could
use DD's schedule as an excuse (i.e., "Oh, she's had a long
day," or, "She's teething and needs a nap," or, "She
just had her shots.") Maybe that would help get you away
from this woman. Good luck!
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
Boy, she sounds like my MIL. My husband and I do not have
children yet, and MIL already comes over, at most, 3 times a week.
I am truly beginning to dislike her a lot. My DH always cares
what his mom says and feels. But me he just manipulates into
doing their bidding. I am considering divorce. I am
a fighter though, and I think that is what she wants. Me!
Me! Me! Not only her, but the GMIL is into this too.
My husband says that I am imagining things. I can talk to
my husband till I am blue in the face. But he doesn't care.
I really wish he would go back to his momma, and let me have a life
without MIL!!!!!!!!!
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
Seriously, you need to put your foot down. She will continue
running (and ruining) your life as long as you let her. Set
definite limits on the time MIL spends with your child and at your
house. Also, cut down on the number of visits you have with
her. Let her know that this is directly because of her behavior.
And, make your husband back you up on this. If MIL has a problem
with the new rules, she needs to take them up with your husband.
And your husband needs to do the battling with her from now on.
Good luck.
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
Maybe you should really get that divorce. It sounds like your
marriage is crummy, and DH has no respect whatsoever for you.
The problem is with him, not MIL. Good luck.
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
One more thing, stop spending so much time with her if you aren't
comfortable with it. Remember, she's not in charge, YOU ARE.
If you don't want to spend every Sunday with the ILs, you shouldn't
have to. You're a working mom, and unlike your IL's, you have
a life! Tell them that you want more time alone time with
DH and DD. If they don't like it, too bad for them.
And if DH has a problem with it, tell him that HE can go visit his
parents, but you and DD are staying home. My in-laws are similar.
Take it from me, you HAVE to say something about this.
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
It's time to stand up for yourself. You need to make it very
clear to your DH that you will no longer tolerate your MIL's behavior
- PERIOD. You should not have to put up with your MIL if she
is going to act that way, so don't! The next time she tries
to take your baby from you, don't let her. Tell her that it's
YOUR child, and if she wants to hold her, she needs to ask first.
YOU'RE the mother, therefore YOU decide, not your MIL. And,
if she doesn't like it, too bad. Her behavior is inexcusable,
and you shouldn't tolerate it (nor should your DH). But, if
he won't stand up to her, you absolutely should. You have
that right. It doesn't matter if she's "family"
or not, your MIL shouldn't be acting that way. Good luck!
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
I know exactly how you feel. My MIL and I got along better
before I had my daughter. My MIL used to baby-sit for my daughter
while my DH and I worked. She would try to tell me how to
take care of her when she was sick, what to feed her, and how to
dress her. We would go over and visit, and she would take
her from me. I wouldn't get to hold her until we were ready
to leave. Well, she has her five days a week, for 8 hours
a day. The weekends and nights are mine. She is my DD,
not hers. She would even say (when DD was learning how to
talk, and understand what you were saying), "Bring that toy
to mom." She was referring to herself as mom. I told
my husband that she was mom-mom, and if he didn't tell her that,
I would. She would even tell me that I started her too soon
on her foods. Well, I told her that I had a son from my first
marriage, and he has turned out okay. I am doing the same
things with DD. My MIL is very overbearing, and wants to be
queen bee. Needless to say, I had a long talk with her.
I had arranged for my aunt to watch DD two days a week, and for
my MIL to watch DD three days a week. My MIL also watches
my DH's niece and nephew. My MIL loved it if my DD cried when
it was time for us to leave. She would make a big deal about
it, saying, "Oh, she doesn't want to leave me."
She was 7 months at the time, and she didn't understand. I
was having anxiety attacks. I went to the doctor, and she
put me on nerve medicine. I couldn't deal with my MIL.
I told my DH that enough was enough. My MIL had a fit when
I told her that she would only be watching DD three days a week.
I told her that while she was watching her five days a week, I didn't
want to go over and visit them on the weekends because that was
our time to spend with our DD. She told me that I had two
weeks to find someone else to watch her, because she wasn't going
to watch her at all. She didn't talk to me for four months.
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
Three words for you: See a counselor. If DH won't go
with you, go by yourself. This situation is never going to
get any better if you just tolerate it and try to ignore it.
And you KNOW that. You need to learn how to set boundaries
and stand firm about them. Four times a week? That's
WAY overboard! I can't believe you put up with seeing MIL
every weekend for 8 years. I would have been in divorce court
(or a mental hospital) LONG before that!
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
I can totally understand why you are having anxiety attacks and
crying all the time over this intolerable situation with your MIL!
While I certainly can empathize with your feelings, it's way past
time that YOU put YOUR foot down with this pushy, overbearing woman.
The reason that she continues her obnoxious behavior is because
no one is stopping her!! You sound very intimidated by her
(and you better believe she uses that for all it's worth!).
I understand that it will be hard to speak up to her after all this
time, but if you really value the time you have to spend with your
child, then you MUST set some boundaries and rules if you're going
to allow this woman in your home. If your husband won't help
you (which is unfortunate), then YOU must take a stand! Your
children are only little once, and you can never go back and reclaim
the time you've lost. So, act now!! When you're holding
the baby or feeding her, and your MIL charges you and tries to grab
her away, use your body to block her. Turn away, and then
tell her that she is NOT going to hold the baby unless she can be
civil and ask your permission first!! Then, don't hand over
the baby until she complies! And, if you want to finish the
feeding first, tell her she can hold the baby afterwards!
You MUST find your voice!! No one can take a child from your
arms unless you let go - so DON'T LET GO! It's as simple as
that. Then, explain to granny, in no uncertain terms, that
her behavior is extremely inappropriate and upsetting. And
if she can't control herself around you, then she won't be allowed
in your home until she can!! It's remotely possible that MIL
will respect your spunk and actually begin to realize that you ARE
a capable mother. Remember - no one can take advantage of
you unless YOU let them!! Let us know how this turns out.
Good luck!!
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
Yes, you are the mommy - and it's time to enforce it! FROM
THIS MOMENT ON, DO NOT EVER LET MIL PUT YOU DOWN IN FRONT OF DD
AGAIN!!! You should have taken your DD right back into your
loving arms when MIL snatched her from you when you were at the
hospital. The next time she tries to take DD from your arms
when you don't want to, DO NOT LET HER!!! STAND UP TO HER.
Tell her that you are able to care for and raise your daughter properly.
For her to tell you that you are doing everything wrong (and your
DH lets her say such awful things) is UNACCEPTABLE!! YOUR
MIL IS NOT YOUR DD's MOTHER! REFUSE TO LET HER GET AWAY WITH
IT ANYMORE!! So-called DH should make you and DD his priorities,
not his dear old mum. If you have threatened DH with divorce,
because he will not support you and stand up to MIL, then you should
take your DD and actually leave for some time to give him the message
that you are actually serious. If this does not knock some
sense into him, then divorce may be the answer. Make sure
you get custody, and nail down the visitation rights to the letter.
OMG - you are required to visit MIL EVERY Sunday??? It's time
to change things. Do something NOW, or you will be miserable
for the rest of your life!!! I realize that this sounds harsh,
but you have taken too much abuse for too long!! Make things
right for yourself and your DD!!
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
You have to stand up for yourself and your daughter. My MIL
was like this with my son, and I put a stop to it. No longer
let her take your DD out of your arms without your permission.
If you have to, follow her and take your DD back! Your DH
may not be able to stand up for you, but you have to do it yourself!
Your story was so similar to what my MIL was doing, except that
my DH saw it, and was able to put a stop to it before it got totally
out of hand. My MIL is now very respectful of when I have
my DS. I wish you all the luck, but you have to stop letting
this woman take your DD from you. It will cause a fight -
be ready for it. But don't back down.
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
Don't let her snatch your baby out of your arms! Hold on to
her. Stand up to that nasty MIL! Tell her that your
DD is not her DS! If you cannot stand up to her, when you
hear her coming in the door, go in the bedroom and lock yourself
and the baby inside until you are ready to share her. You
need to have all the time you can with your DD - they grow so fast!
Try not to give your MIL power over you. And, kick your sorry
DH in the butt for not standing up for you! You have to take
care of you - nobody else will.
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
My best advice is to stop trying to keep the peace, and raise he!!.
Tell your MIL to get the he!! back when she tries to take your daughter
out of your arms. Refuse to let her go. Turn your back,
and walk out of the room. Clearly, your husband has no balls.
So, your ovaries will have to do. Personally, I'd move out
with DD. I'd tell DH that I'd consider living with him again
when he gets some testicles surgically attached, and tells MIL that
she's not welcome at your new place. That may not be necessary,
but standing up for yourself, instead of trying to smooth things
over, is long overdue.
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
It is time for you to get a backbone and lay down the law in your
house. If DH doesn't like it, then send him back to mommy
with divorce papers. You need to stop being a doormat, and
start putting your foot down. You are going to get A LOT of
resistance and argument, but things are not going to get better
until you make good on your promise. Take DH to one of your
counseling session. Let him know what the problem is, and
put some of the burden on him. If he cannot support you, then
send him packing. It is time for you to be a strong woman,
and show your DD that an American woman is not one to be abused.
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
I am so sorry for your pain - how frustrating! Consider seeing
a doctor and getting some medication to help with anxiety - even
if only for a little while. Set some rules with hubby regarding
MIL's behavior around baby. And, leave if he won't agree.
Oh yeah - stop going to her house on Sundays!! That's ridiculous!
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
I'm sorry, but you should really leave your DH if he does not support
or stand up for you against the awful things his mother is doing
to you. Take your baby and go. It's the best thing for
her too!
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
Oh my God. You've GOT to put your foot down. The next
time that she tries to take the baby from you, you hold on with
all your might and say, "No, I have her. Thanks, but
I really WANT to hold her right now. She needs her MOTHER."
If your husband says a bad word to you about it, let him have it
right between the eyes. YOU are his family now - you and his
daughter. And you both need him to be responsible for what
goes on in his house, including the way his mother behaves.
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
For the sake of your DD, you must stand up to your MIL. Never
mind what your DH and FIL say. You are the child's mother,
and you have every right to be respected for that. Tell your
MIL that you aren't going to put up with it anymore, and that from
now on, she has to ask YOU when she can hold YOUR baby. Be
strong. What could happen that is worse than what is already
happening now?
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
Until you say "no", mean it, and follow through, that
woman is going to continue to walk all over you. You say that
you're not going to let your MIL undermine your way of raising your
daughter, but you haven't stopped her from taking your DD away from
you, and badmouthing you to your own child. You can leave
the house with your child when MIL shows up unannounced. You
can refuse to let her in. At the very least, let your husband
know how NUTS this is making you. And, try to make him understand
the damage that he's allowing to continue.
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
Instead of getting mad at your DH for not putting his foot down,
why don't you put YOUR foot down? When MIL tries to take the
baby when you're feeding her, a simple, "No, not right now.
You can see her when we're done," would work wonders.
You don't have to surrender your child to her every time she decides
she wants to see her. Don't be unreasonably difficult or contrary,
but if you want to hold your daughter or finish feeding her, you
have every right to do so. When MIL says, "This is how
I did it with DS and he survived," you can agree with her that
she did a marvelous job with your DH, but that THIS is the way things
are going to be done with YOUR daughter. Again, don't be unreasonable.
But, on the important stuff, insist on it being done your way (or
show MIL that her contact with DD will be limited). Tell her
nicely that she and FIL need to call before they come over.
Will she get mad? Probably. But so what? Behave
REASONABLY, with maturity and class, but make it clear that YOU
and your DH make the decisions regarding your daughter. She
won't have much room to complain. If your DH gets mad that
you are standing up to his mother, then get to counseling.
It sounds like you may need to anyway, if you feel that his mother
is controlling your marriage. Good luck.
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
The only way it will get better is if you leave the situation.
If DH isn't going to be part of the solution, he will always be
part of the problem. It is better to get out now, than to
waste any more time in this train-wreck situation. The fighting
will only get worse, and you don't want your child growing up with
her first memories, at age 2 or so, to be of you guys fighting.
You can make it. There are plenty of single mothers in this
world.
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
If you have someplace to go, then take the baby and leave.
Tell DH that if he doesn't set some boundaries, then you will not
come back. Let him know how sick it is making you. If
he doesn't take you into consideration, then divorce him and take
all the alimony you can get.
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
Drag your DH's butt to a marriage counselor immediately. If
he refuses to go, tell him that you are going alone - and then do
it. It is time for you to take back your life from your controlling
MIL! Do not let her take your baby from you! If she
approaches you while you are feeding your baby, very firmly tell
her that you are feeding your DD, and YOU will let her know when
it is okay for her to hold DD. If she ignores you, walk away
from her. If you are sitting down, raise your foot to her
stomach and tell her to stop. Start setting boundaries and
enforce them, even if your spineless DH won't. You are your
child's mother, and you have a right to put your MIL in her rightful
place where your DD is concerned. Please see a therapist.
Your feelings will be validated, and the counselor will also help
you to strategize. Tell your DH that his mother's reign over
your lives is over, and if he is not able to be a man and stand
up for his wife and child, then he should go live with his mommy.
A lot of men need this kind of jolt to get their attention.
Good luck!
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
You know what you need to do. And that is to put YOUR foot
down now!! Don't wait for your DH to do it. YOU are
the child's mother, and that is YOUR house! I would set boundaries
and tell MIL and FIL that if they don't respect them, they will
not see you or their grandchild for AT LEAST 2 months. Tell
MIL that she is no longer allowed to take your DD from you.
She is to ASK to hold her grandchild. If you are feeding her,
tell MIL to leave you and DD alone. Tell her that the visits
will be cut down to one or two visits a week, and NOT every Sunday.
Tell her that she and FIL are not to come over to your house anymore
unannounced. If they call, and you and DD are not busy, they
MIGHT be invited to come over. Before you do this, talk to
DH first, and let him know what you are going to do. Tell
him that you want his support because you are tired of being criticized
as a mother, that you are not being respected by his mother and
father. If he doesn't want to be a man, then seek counseling,
and STILL lay down the law with MIL and FIL. I don't know
if your baby is still small enough, but if she is, buy a front style
carrier and put her in it. That way, MIL can't grab her from
you. Good luck, and keep us posted.
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
For God's sake, YOU are the baby's MOTHER - not that witch!
If your DH has no spine, then YOU need to take up for yourself!
When she comes over and takes the baby, take her back and say, "Excuse
me, this is MY child. I will feed her. And don't you
EVER do that again, or your access to this child will be restricted".
If she fights you, tell her to leave. It is YOUR home.
As far as spending EVERY Sunday with her, inform your DH THAT this
will cease (and you might consider once a month, but that is all).
Go visit YOUR family for a change. What's DH gonna do, take
your car keys and manhandle you into the car to HIS momma's?
As far as the snide remarks to the baby about you not doing something
right, INFORM the old bag that the remarks cease NOW, or there will
be no visits (for her) with the baby. And, about the phone
- get an answering machine and let it pick up the phone. I
would also refuse to put DH on the phone if she is rude. Tell
her that this is YOUR home too, and even if she doesn't like you,
she WILL respect you. Gosh, get the spine that your DH doesn't
have! Take up for yourself!!
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
Your story did not seem long to me. I'm also facing the same
situation. At present, we are staying abroad. But when
we go home, this will be the exact case with me. I don't know
how to advise you. I'm also wondering how to solve my problem.
But, maybe by hearing that I feel the same as you, you may feel
a little relieved. I don't have many friends here, and my
husband doesn't want to hear my feelings. Anyway, I'm hoping
that everything will be all right when my baby grows up. I'm
sure my daughter will prefer me to the others once she starts talking
and thinking on her own.
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
Your story was very familiar, as I have BT, DT, and I eventually
left my DH because of that. But, before you take that drastic
action, read the "Toxic In-Laws" book, and see if any
of those strategies work. Secondly, you are going to have
to learn the art of saying no. Think of it as dealing with
tall children. You wouldn't give into a child throwing a tantrum,
and that's what you are doing now. Refuse to go every Sunday,
and don't let DH take your child. Expect sulking, but you
really have to stick with it until they finally get the message.
Hey, I know, if we didn't go around to the ILs every Sunday, MIL
would take to her bed crying. As for coming round unannounced
and undermining you, you are going to have to challenge that too.
It's your home. Tell her not to come around uninvited constantly.
If your DH is like mine, he may go mad. But, at least you
know exactly where you stand, and it's not in front of his mother
in the queue for his loyalty and respect. I think the book
makes some suggestions about challenging critical comments, like
"did you say that to deliberately hurt me?" - something
non-confrontational, that won't be an insult (no matter how much
you want to rip her head off). I think it's make or break
time for you because it never gets better. And, as you find,
the more you give, the more these people want to take and take.
And, they don't care about your feelings at all. I hope your
DH is more receptive to listening to you than mine is to me.
But, even seeing me head out of the door, when pregnant with our
third child, didn't register in his mind that I may be totally miserable,
and that he needed to do something. In fact, my DH told me
that, unless his mother could be more involved in the upbringing
of our children, then he wanted me to have an abortion. Ho
hum, that's perfectly normal, isn't it!!!
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
Well, if you are tired of your MIL snatching the baby out of your
arms, DON'T GO TO SEE HER. Find your spine, and tell your
DH, "NO". Don't go over on Sundays, and don't let
DH take the baby with him when he knuckles under and goes to see
her on Sundays. Don't let MIL touch your baby without your
express permission. If she takes the baby out of your arms,
TAKE HER BACK - this is, after all, YOUR kid - NOT HERS. Or,
put the baby in a front pack. My God, why would you allow
this woman to walk away with YOUR BABY, when she cries for you?
Tell your MIL that until she can respect YOUR boundaries, she doesn't
get to see YOUR baby. And, that you will not tolerate any
discussion about it. Tell your DH that if he thinks his mommy
is such hot stuff, then he can go live with her and let her control
him - but you won't let her control you and your baby. Stop
letting these people walk on you. It's your responsibility
to say "no" to that little clan. It's your responsibility
to make sure that your baby feels secure. And, letting your
MIL snatch her away from you isn't helping.
RESPONSE: I'm the Mommy!
You need to take this into your own hands and say the word "no".
"No, you can't take my baby out of my arms while I'm feeding
her," and, "No, I'm not going to spend every Sunday night
with you when you treat me like cr@p". Don't let her
treat you like that. Stand up for yourself. Hopefully
DH will follow your lead.
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I can not get over my
mother hating my husband and I. We've been together for 7
years now, married 3, and we have a 1 year old son. She was
not the world's BEST mom growing up. She told me that I was
stupid, and made stupid choices. Overweight my entire childhood,
she had me on a diet from age 5. And, she never has any problem
telling me I am a B!TCH. She is a very hurtful, angry woman.
From the beginning, she didn't like my DH. He is a soft hearted
person, always saying, "I really want my MIL to like me."
I had apologized for her not likening him, but I stopped.
Now I ask him, "How can she like you when she doesn't even
like her daughter?" Two years ago, he joined the Air
Force, just to get away. We lived 2 minutes away, now we are
2000 miles away. Yet, it hasn't changed much. She loves
to guilt us. She calls incessantly. And she talks badly
about my husband, my choices, and how stupid I was to move away.
I left it all, she says, "your job, the money, your freedom,
YOUR family." I tell her over and over, "he is my
husband. X is my son. This is my family, mom."
She blames me because our family get-togethers are not the same.
My DH and I are keeping her only grandchild from her! She
tells me how bad DH is with $$, how worthless he is, and how dirty
we are! These things are not true. She just will say
anything to be hurtful. We are planning a trip there for our
son's 1st birthday. It has now been canceled. We decided
not to go about 2 months ago. The way they fight over our
son guilt trips us the whole time that we are there. And,
they manipulate every day of our visit. We decided that we
couldn't take it! Everyone got very upset that we were not
coming. DH's mom offered to buy his plane ticket if my mom
would pay for mine. This turned into an awful fight!
After days of fighting, my DH called to tell her to butt out, and
that we were not coming (and that she should back off). She
let him talk for 20 seconds, and hung up. She called my entire
family! She told them a blown up story, and had them all pissed
at him for being such an @ss hole. The next morning she called
(she always calls when he is gone!), crying her head off!
She told me "everything" he had said! She LIED!
She asked me what she had done that was so wrong for God to punish
her so badly by taking her daughter and grandson away? After
she turned down the waterworks, she told me to tell him that he
should "NEVER CALL HER AGAIN". Yesterday (2 day
after), she called to tell me that I needed to get all my dolls
and stuffed animals out of her attic (3 packed boxes, that were
there for 7 years!), now that I have a house of my own! She
spoke with anger as she offered to ship them, and I could pay the
charge. Or, she would go through them and pick out the nice
stuff. I asked if we could wait till our next visit.
I would go through them, then, and fly home with what I wanted.
She agreed to that. Then, she asked if I remembered that big,
stupid bear DH had bought me (our first Xmas together). I
said, "Yes." Well, she HAD to throw it away, something
had gotten onto it. It was too big to wash, so she threw it
out. "You didn't want that dirty thing!", she said.
I was shocked. Stunned, I replied, "Well, thanks a lot,"
and told her that I had to go. And, I hung up the phone.
I was heartbroken that she would do this. My DH was very hurt
My bear was wrapped in plastic, packed in his own box. She
did this on purpose. Just one more stone. How do I handle
a mother who hates ME and my DH. I feel so torn, with all
the guilt and manipulation. Where do we go from here?
Signed - Mommy Dearest
RESPONSE: Mommy Dearest
Block her number, and don't take her calls. Explain to the
family members, whom you like, that she's bad for your mental health.
She won't be a part of your life now. And, no matter what
she says, she was the cause of the rift - not anyone else.
Her actions must have consequences. How else will she ever
learn?
RESPONSE: Mommy Dearest
Buy Caller ID, and stop answering the phone. If you wish to
keeping communicating with her, do it only through email and letters.
Hurtful things are said much less often when they have to be written
down.
RESPONSE: Mommy Dearest
Hey, get yourself Caller ID, and stop taking calls from her.
I had to distance myself from my control freak mom, who sees nothing
wrong with her behavior (it is very difficult, but well worth the
results). My house isn't clean enough, I don't dress well
enough, etc., etc. Well, I am much happier keeping her at
a distance. You let her have control over your life and feelings.
She only has as much power as you let her have. People do
not change - you can only change your reaction and attitude towards
HER problem. Talk to a counselor or a trusted non relative.
I speak from experience when I say that you will be much happier
when you stop letting her hurt you!
RESPONSE: Mommy Dearest
I feel so horrible for you. My mother isn't as bad as yours,
but I really do understand what you're going through. Most
people won't comprehend how you can cut your own mother out of your
life, but that's what you need to do (at least for the immediate
future). Your mother is a sick woman, who will probably never
get the help she needs - and that's what you need to keep in mind.
If she were anyone else, you wouldn't hesitate to cut someone that
awful out of your life, would you? Ignore the relatives as
best you can. These people really don't even know what a functional
family should be like. I keep telling myself that even a COW
can give birth, but it takes a lot more than that to be a real MOTHER.
Try not to let people lay a guilt trip on you. Trust your
instincts, and stay away from her! And most importantly, see
a therapist/counselor to get the help you need. I'm going
to do that myself in the next month (as soon as my insurance kicks
in), and I'm hoping to learn some better coping skills. Just
remember - your mother has mental problems, and they are NOT your
fault. You are NOT an awful person to want to stay away from
someone who treats you like that. She told you herself to
never call her again - take her at her word!!! You DO deserve
better, and never let anyone tell you differently. Best of
luck to you.
RESPONSE: Mommy Dearest
Block her from being able to call you. Never visit her again.
Nobody who calls someone (especially their own child) a stupid b!tch
deserves any bit of attention. Cut off all contact with her,
and watch your stress level go down!
RESPONSE: Mommy Dearest
You've got a real nutcase on your hands. I have a similar
situation with my own mother, and I can imagine how hurt you feel.
I'm so sorry. You cannot control your mom, but you are responsible
for your influence on her life. Please consider hanging up
on her when she says ugly things about DH. Tell her about
this policy, and stick to it. She'll figure it out if you
are consistent. As for visiting her, I would plan very limited
time with her, and NEVER leave your child alone with her.
Always have an "escape plan" in place - have your car
and a place to go, even if it's a hotel. If she starts in
on DH, get out of there. Sorry about your things and your
bear - my mom told me, 2 days before I got married and moved to
a new city, that I needed to get all of my childhood things out
of her house by the wedding day. My family moved several times
while I was growing up, and all the stuff was in boxes in her basement
(and it had been for years). Why did they have to be moved
then? This is a way for them to exert control. I guess
it seems pretty desperate. On a hopeful note, my relationship
with my mom is better now than it has ever been. I think this
is due to her mellowing with age (yours might too), distance, and
especially my standing up for myself and my family. You may
find that your mother respects your strength better than you expect.
RESPONSE: Mommy Dearest
Be thankful that you have someone who truly loves you, and get the
toxic people who never cared out of your life. In my opinion,
based on my own life experiences, I would not risk hurting or losing
a person who truly loves me, in order to keep a person who does
not love me happy.
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How's this for a witch
of a MIL: My husband (of 3 years) and I (unfortunately) shared
a house with the MIL for a short time while we got on our feet financially.
During this time, she insinuated herself into our lives at every
possible opportunity, plotting against us, and manipulating her
son until I could stand it no longer. Since he didn't have
the balls to stand up to her, we ended up separating from the pressures
of her mere presence in our lives. During the separation,
I was the one who gladly moved out. During the process of
moving, I naturally had to make several trips to remove my personal
things. On one occasion, the old battle ax happened to be
home. When I told her that I was there to collect some clothing,
she proceeded to follow me all around my bedroom, snooping over
my shoulder while I went through the closet and dressers.
This was all in the name of "protecting" her son (from
what, I can't imagine). I certainly didn't want his clothes!
Anyway, I told her that I was taking my stereo and my dog as well,
and she just went ballistic! She said that I had no right
to take them (even though they were mine before I got married!),
and she would not let me out of the door with them. Of all
the nerve!! Anyway, I already knew there was no sense in arguing
with her, so I made an excuse to go back to my bedroom, and quickly
unlocked a window. She hurried me out because she had to leave
for an appointment. I then drove around the block and parked
where I could see her car leaving. And, when it went by, I
waited a few extra minutes and then returned to the house.
I climbed in the unlocked window, collected my stereo and my dog,
and went on my way. I knew there would soon be a phone call
at the place I was staying, and boy, was there ever. She called
a couple of hours later in an out-and-out rage, ranting and raving
that I'd broken into HER house, and she was going to call the POLICE!!
I just laughed at her, because she couldn't figure out how I had
gotten back in (he, he, he). Anyway, I told her to go ahead
and call the police, because I was legally a tenant there who was
only moving out my personal property - even her son would attest
to that! She never did call them, to my knowledge. Or,
if she did, they probably laughed at her, too. Her son thought
she'd gone psycho for sure this time, and he ended up moving out
shortly after that. I always get great satisfaction thinking
back to that day, even though it was maddening and stressful at
the time. Another one of her all-time great maneuvers during
this same time involved the fact that I had become pregnant just
before my husband and I had decided to separate. It was completely
unplanned, but I was still thrilled. When my husband finally
worked up the nerve to tell his mother the news (4 months later),
she had the audacity to call me and accuse me of getting pregnant
on purpose to "TRAP" her son!! For God sake's, we
were already married!! Then, she had the ultimate nerve to
ask me if I was going to give "it" up for adoption!!!
Can you imagine?? This was her answer to the "problem"
of what was going to be her first grandchild!! Naturally,
I told her to go to he!!, and I never spoke to her again.
I made darn sure after my DD was born, that this twisted lunatic
never got near my child. To this day (16 years later), she
has never shown any interest in the child, which is more than fine
with me!
Signed - Survived A Looney
RESPONSE: Survived A Looney
That's what I like to hear! Good for you!
RESPONSE: Survived A Looney
Good for you, I would have given her a knuckle sandwich myself.
Any woman (oh, excuse me - baby-woman) who would break up a marriage,
will go to hell. Remember, "Let no man put asunder….".
That means, do not break what God has joined together.
My MIL is so close to getting the sh!t kicked out of her, that it
is pitiful. Well, I wish you luck, and I think you are very
lucky that your MIL doesn't come around. I hope God blesses
you and your family.
RESPONSE: Survived A Looney
I was laughing sooooooo hard when I read how you got your stereo
and your dog. Three words: GOOD FOR YOU!!! I would
love to slap my MIL in the face like that. And, I'm glad that
you haven't talked to her since that time.
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I am beginning to really
hate my PIL, and all of their family. The longer I know them,
the more they hurt and insult me. They never even acknowledged
my feelings, or that I have feelings. But, then, they never
acknowledged that they may hurt their own kids, either. I
now brace myself for any contact, and I know that I'm getting overly
sensitive to their "remarks". They may have immigrated
here, but they make few concessions to living in another country.
They are unhappy that their son married outside their culture.
They let me know, at every possible opportunity, and they refuse
to see that this country has a culture too. Our son is only
their culture. He is not mine - in their eyes. They
exclude my family as much as possible, and when MIL doesn't get
her own way, she'll talk to my mum in her overly emotional way (so
that my mum will bug me as well). So, I don't just have my
MIL and FIL, but I also have my parents on my back. DH, I
know, is a wimp. He's never going to change, but I love him
and cannot leave him. I am already getting stressed about
Mother's Day - I really think it should be renamed Grandmother's
Day, because it certainly isn't about being a mother (but, it is
about being a MIL who everyone should cater to). We try to
take turns with our families. However, mine travels a lot
for business, and even if it's my family's turn, we still have to
visit MIL and her family the next day or that evening. If
it's my family's turn, they'll just catch up with us when it's convenient
for us. MIL will get emotional (with tears threatening to
spill over) and remind us of all the other relatives who will be
there, and that she's already rearranged it all for them to come
when we'll be free (from my family). And, that we'll be disappointing
all these 50 to 100+ people who expect to see her son and her grandson.
She also treats my son as her own, taking over whenever possible.
I may say no to some things (because I feel that it's inappropriate,
unsafe, or we're already busy), but she'll phone DH and get the
answer she wants anyway. And, she'll also do things behind
our backs as well. And, she'll tell our son of some "big
treat", and give him gifts before asking us, so that we're
put on the spot, and can't say no, because it's too late.
The gifts used to be so out of control. Every week there would
be bags of clothes and toys, and we live in a small house with little
storage. I, finally, had to be really very, very rude to stop
it (even after asking nicely several times). The only way
to get through is to be really rude, and then I'm made out to be
the bad guy. She hates me not working - she would give up
work, for us to save on childcare. And, even though it's DH
who really doesn't want me to work, she considers me to be lazy
and selfish. She hates where we live, despite it being a wealthier
area than hers (and, it has much, much lower crime, with better
schools). She considers it to be my choice, despite both DH
and I telling her that it's really more DH than I who wants to live
here. She would prefer that we live closer, so that she has
better access to DH and our son. She has been caught out in
lies, and still denies it. She blames my "imagination",
or she says that I must have misheard her or her version of English
(despite the fact that she has a high-level job as a manager, and
she has been living here for at least 32 years). And, she
has a superior attitude to anyone who is not of their culture -
so, she really looks down on me and my family (like they are the
kings and we are the peasants). This woman, who rules her
family, and the rest of her family, drives me insane. They
think they are true Christians (only their church has the best Christians),
and that we're all rubbish. They lie, manipulate, and are
racist. And, they think that everyone must envy them for being
such wonderful people, when, really, people eventually wake up to
how two-faced they are. They have no friends outside of family
members, and now I know why. They think every family member
looks up to them and loves them. I could say so much more
about how they don't speak English when I'm at family gatherings,
so that the only "people" I'm permitted to speak to are
children and teenagers (and I'm in my 30's). They've thrown
birthday parties for our son, and not invited us, or even my family.
MIL's feelings have been "hurt" many times because I didn't
give in. Every occasion is to be celebrated at MIL's or one
of her relatives, and she can't come to our house (saving us a journey
now and then) because I deprive her of her house. And, she
tells me that I'm the reason that DH is going to die soon (because
I'm not making him follow his culture - something that he hadn't
done for years before I met him). She tells me how my son
is going to hate and resent me for all my life, because I refuse
to make him follow "his" culture (notice that there is
no concession that our son has a background of 2 cultures - to MIL
there is only one). DH knows how I feel. I've had to
let it loose every now and then. He can't understand why they
upset me, and why anything should bother me or hurt me. He's
a really lazy sh!t, and doesn't mind when his parents take over.
For him, it's easier to give in than to stand up to his parents.
And, it's hard for him to see the line that separates parents and
grandparents, as his grandparents brought him up because both his
parents worked full-time (being new to this country). I know
that I'm not perfect, and I certainly know that my own family can
be pains in the neck as well, but his family really takes the cake.
If I didn't love DH so much (and I know how hurt he'd be by it),
I'd really tell them what I think of them. Thanks for letting
me vent.
Signed - I Am Beginning
to Really Hate Them
RESPONSE: I Am Beginning to Really Hate Them
I don't have any particularly great advice. However, I had
a similar problem with my parents refusing to come to our house
for any parties or such. I finally offered to host a holiday
(Thanksgiving). They refused to come to our house, but asked
us to come to theirs. We simply refused, and didn't see them
at all. Since then, I've hosted 2 parties and 2 holidays at
my house. If you can get your husband to stand with you on
this one, it should work.
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Working Women Don't Have Wives