Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- Scorned DIL/Posted: 18-MAY-02
I was reading the archives of people "complaining"
they got ratty gifts from their grandparents. My paternal
grandparents never gave me or my sisters ANYTHING. And yes,
they could afford it. They were both retired, had good pensions,
a lot of savings, and they owned their home. Come to think
of it, I don't recall them ever giving my parents anything either.
My maternal grandfather passed away when my mother was a teenager,
and her mother passed away when I was 2, but my maternal grandmother
did give me a pair of mittens that she knitted. That's the
only thing I remember getting from grandparents.
RESPONSE: No Grandparent Gifts For Me!
My grandmother was not the warm-fuzzy type - at all. She also
favored the male grandchildren. She rarely gave gifts.
But if she did, she would give the boys much more (and it was very
obvious). It was just plain rude. And when my mom asked
her to give the same gifts to all of us (even if she had to give
the boys less, and just distribute it evenly), she told my mom that
the girls were too sensitive. This is just one of the reasons
that my mom hated HER MIL.
RESPONSE: No Grandparent Gifts For Me!
After reading your post, I realized that I never got gifts from
my grandparents either. I guess I never noticed because they
did such a good job of making me feel loved. There were about
25 of us, so they probably couldn't afford it. They were lower
middle class farmers. But, I do remember that my grandma would
make us each a little Easter basket. Some weeks before Easter,
the cottage cheese containers would start having bunnies and chicks
on them. My grandma would use them - clean them up, put a
little commercial grass in them, a few jelly beans, and an egg from
their own chickens (all swirled colors, and so beautiful that you
didn't want to eat them). I haven't seen that type in years.
I think it was an oil-based color kit. My folks had us use
the regular tablets of color in vinegar water, so grandma's eggs
seemed REALLY special. I remember thinking even as a kid how
much she must have loved us to eat that much cottage cheese and
collect all those containers, and then do those eggs. Oh -
wait - my grandpa would occasionally make us stuff - like a stove
or refrigerator, or some such thing out of wood for our the playhouses
that our parents would build. I guess what I am saying is
that I am so sorry that your grandparents didn't give you anything.
My grandparents gave us A LOT of time, attention, and love.
And we never missed the gifts. Yours obviously didn't, and
I am sorry.
I can't believe what
flew out of my husband's mouth tonight during dinner. I am
6 months pregnant with our first child, and he mentioned that he
spoke to my SIL at work today. He told me where she thought
I should register for gifts for the baby, and I lightheartedly asked,
"Oh, is she giving us a shower?" He replied very
quickly, "She doesn't want to, but she'll probably end up doing
it." That comment went through me like a cold, steel
knife. I NEVER, EVER asked ANYONE for a shower, party, gift,
or anything else. In fact, I feel badly that people would
even feel obligated to buy a gift. My family has always had
trouble "getting things together", and don't naturally
initiate things. That's probably why my SIL feels the need
to pick up the ball. I was so hurt by that comment, that a
shower or gift is the LAST thing I want. My husband doesn't
see why I am so upset, nor does he see why I told him to let them
know that I don't believe a shower is necessary or wanted.
The baby won't know the difference between "new" and "borrowed".
I have a friend who has generously offered her secondhand things.
I would feel better using them, than to have my in-laws going through
the trouble they rather not do. That would make us all feel
uncomfortable. I need a fresh, outside opinion. Am I
overreacting?
Signed - Baby Shower
Blues
RESPONSE: Baby Shower Blues
My feelings would be hurt too. I would let your SIL know,
in a kind way, what DH said about the shower, and request that she
not throw you one. Geez, what a thing for her to say!
RESPONSE: Baby Shower Blues
Communication is the key. Just tell everyone that you don't
want a party. It seems like a pretty simple solution.
Not too many people can read minds.
RESPONSE: Baby Shower Blues
Your DH should not have told you that. But, now that the truth
is out, tell him to tell her not to bother. And while he is
at it, tell her that you will not be attending anything for her,
or for anyone else on his side of the family either. My ILs
have done some petty things to me, but the one thing I can give
them credit for is that they gave us a surprise shower when I was
pregnant with the first baby. They genuinely seemed to want
to do it. I had no clue what they were doing, and it was very
nice.
RESPONSE: Baby Shower Blues
Yes, you are overreacting, but there is a problem here. Sometimes
men are totally clueless, and your DH never should have told you
that SIL doesn't want to throw the shower (IMHO - folks may differ
on this). If you are that uncomfortable, simply be "too
busy" to find a date, or just say that you would prefer not
to have a shower. I work with a friend who simply hates the
attention of showers (ooo, not me!! I love it!!!! Queen for
a day!!). When she was pregnant with her 2nd child, she specifically
requested no shower. So we all went in on a huge gift certificate
to a baby store, and also to a discount department store.
She LOVED it. It was easier for everyone involved. Is
there a tactful way to steer things in this direction? Good
luck - DH sounds like a charming, yet oblivious, man.
RESPONSE: Baby Shower Blues
Awww, I don't blame you for being upset about this. Tell her
to have something after the baby is born. And, I like how
she tells your husband about the store to go to register.
Tell him that if he was to go there and fill out the registry, he
would be lost. Loved ones give gifts because they want to.
They don't need a baby shower to give one. Don't let this
stress you out. You are going to be a mommy - one of the most
rewarding jobs in the world. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Baby Shower Blues
No, you aren't overreacting. If she offers to throw one, I
would politely decline it. Tell her that you really don't
want a shower. If she acts badly in any way, flat out tell
her that your DH said that she didn't want to throw one, but felt
she had to out of obligation. Also, tell her that you and
your child are in no way her obligation, and you'd just as soon
not have her throw you a shower if she feels that way. If
that happened to me, I'd be seriously pissed. Of course, I'm
just telling you how I'd react. I think your DH should have
kept that info to himself, and spared your feelings.
RESPONSE: Baby Shower Blues
No, your SIL was "ungracious" in her comments, no matter
how she felt. It is not your fault if your family doesn't
get around to throwing a shower. But I also feel it was not
smart of your DH to have told you what SIL said. She might
have been upset about something else, and it came out badly.
Or maybe in the repeating, it didn't come out right. I am
trying to give SIL the benefit of the doubt, though she may not
deserve it. Only you can be the judge of that. I would
have reacted like you did, with something like, "Tell SIL not
to bother. I'd rather not have a shower than to get one that
is grudgingly given." I'm sorry - but your DH opened
Pandora's Box on this one by saying what he did. It is not
your job to try to put all the ungraciousness and ill feelings back
in and close the lid - and go on as if nothing was said. He
needs to do some damage control, IMHO. And that should begin
with an apology to you, and support if you don't want your in-laws
to host a shower.
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- Rosebrk 1
of 4 needed/Posted: 18-MAY-02
My MIL didn't like my engraved Tiffany invites for
my wedding. She was upset because her name wasn't on them,
so she had the drug store do up some photocopied types. They
were reduced so much you, could barely read them. And then
she had me send them to all of her friends. The invite was
a little bigger than my response cards! Meanwhile, my in-laws
never paid for one portion of our wedding, while my parents pretty
much footed the whole bill. My parents had maybe 20 guests,
while my in-laws had at least 70. Our rehearsal dinner (the
evening before) was a BBQ at my apartment. I did the work!
My in-law's contribution was some chopped liver, and a box of crackers!
Yes, our wedding was lovely. But that evening, his parents
insisted that we sleep at their house. My husband went to
bed in the guest room (twin beds), and I stayed up with my FIL,
as he insisted that we count all of those $50 checks - over and
over and over again (with that horrible old adding machine with
the crank handle, and little roll of tape).
RESPONSE: Rosebrk
You have more than a problem with in-laws. It sounds like
you also have a spineless DH, and you need to exercise the word
"No" (over and over - very loudly!).
RESPONSE: Rosebrk
What kind of husband do you have that he would have you guys stay
at his parents house on the night of your wedding? Sick!
RESPONSE: Rosebrk
Can your mouth not say "NO"? Just curious.
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- WalkedAllOver 1 of 4 needed/Posted: 18-MAY-02
My MIL and I get along at times, but there are those
times when I can't stand being in the same house with her (and I
live with her). She is so pigheaded and nosey (which she thinks
she's not). No one can have any good thing happen to them
if she doesn't witness it. A friend got married, and she said,
"Yeah right, that's pretend." I told her that she
really did, and MIL still didn't believe me, because the friend
was a girl who had previously dated one of her sons. I guess
he's such a great catch that the girl was so distraught over the
breakup, and couldn't go on. Not likely, MIL, dear.
You think you and your daughter are so grand. Your daughter
talks about you behind your back, and then is your best friend afterwards.
Then you guys will interact with me and act like we all can get
along, until I voice my opinion and you don't like my response.
How come everything has to be your way or the highway? I am
an easy going person, and I get along with everyone, but your family
is so very dysfunctional that I can't cope with half the stuff you
all dish out to me and others. She doesn't get along with
anyone on her block of residence. I do get along with them,
and it puzzles her as to why they all speak to me, and to not her.
All she does is curse them out if they look at her property too
long, or ask her to move the trashcans off their property.
There are so many stories about my MIL. I really don't know
where to start.
RESPONSE: Walkedallover
The first order of business sounds like you and DH need to move
out of MIL's house. Distance may not make the heart grow fonder,
but it sure helps to put up with MILs like yours.
RESPONSE: Walkedallover
Move! If you're living with her, you can't complain too much.
Get out! And don't talk about her with SIL. That's not
only wrong (remember the Golden Rule), but it will come back to
bite you on the butt!
RESPONSE: Walkedallover
Wow!!!!! Maybe we have the SAME MIL hee hee! Let me
check - pig headed, yes, yes! Thinks her sh!t don't stink,
yes, yes!!! Own daughter talks badly about her behind her
back, but is lovey-dovey to her face, yes, yes!!!!! Nobody
likes her, yes, yes! She won't let me have my own opinion,
yes, yes we must have the same one!
My mother was dying
in the hospital a few years ago. I was heartbroken.
We knew that she was not going to make it, so we were just trying
to make her last days comfortable. My MIL came to visit her.
My mom was in a semi-coma, and was heavily medicated to stop the
pain. My MIL knew that there was a lock-box key missing which
she believed had money in it. When my MIL arrived to visit
my mom, there were no nice hugs and she didn't say, "I'm sorry,"
to me or my brothers. Instead, she went straight to my mother's
bed and shook her, while asking her where the lock-box key was.
I was really young, and I was so shocked that I couldn't say a word
or tell her to leave her alone. Her behavior fits, and shows
her inconsiderate behavior to a "T". It has been
difficult. Our house burned to the ground in March of 2000.
She had made at least twenty-five quilts, and has many of them on
hand. When my husband said that we would like her to give
us a quilt, she said, "You would not take care of it."
I spent hours trying to figure out what she meant. For Christmas
one year, she gave my husband a very masculine quilt. When
our house burned, it was on our bed. When we went into the
house to try to get anything that was still good, it was lying wet
and scorched on our bed. We were staying in a motel at that
time, with three children, and we were having to buy basic necessities.
Life was hectic. I took the quilt and laid it on the ground
to dry. I guess she was offended because I didn't make her
quilt my top priority. She took it to her house. I don't
want the scorched and smelly thing in my house. I don't want
anything that reminds me of that terrible day. So, I guess
I don't take care of what I have, because my house burned.
Signed - Tired of It
RESPONSE: Tired of It
At the hospital, I would have knocked her flat on her @ss!
OR, I would have had her removed.
RESPONSE: Tired of It
I am so very sorry about your mom, and what your MIL did.
I hope you have managed to cut her out of your life.
RESPONSE: Tired of It
I am so sorry to hear about your mom and your home, and your painful
memories of your wretched MIL. Please do not allow this woman
to create any more bad memories. Distance yourself!
She is DH's mom, and he can carry on with her, without you being
punished in the process. My heart goes out to you.
Worst gift: This has
got to be one of the WORST GIFTS ever received! I've received
a lot of strange and bad gifts for Christmas from MIL in the past.
And, I've learned to laugh at them, and (upon returning home from
visiting her) toss them into a box labeled "Yard Sale".
My husband and I have been married almost five years, and we dated
a couple of years prior to that. The first Christmas that
I was dating my husband, I already knew that my future MIL did not
really like me because I wasn't just like her. Well, I didn't
expect a gift from her, but I received a pair of knit stirrup pants
and a matching sweater. Not bad, but I look horrid in knit
pants, and never wear them. AND, the knit stirrup pants had
a four inch hole down the seam of the leg. I simply gave these
things away. The next year, I RECEIVED THE EXACT same thing,
but in just a different color. It was funny to me. Well,
after marrying my husband, I learned that my MIL had been secretly
talking to my husband and telling him that she didn't want to spend
too much money on me for anything. There was the year (while
dating) that she convinced him not to buy me roses for Valentine's
because "they are too expensive", or the time she told
him that we shouldn't have our wedding reception at the place I
wanted to have it because it was "too expensive, and she (me)
is being unreasonable and spoiled". The year she convinced
him to not buy me roses on Valentine's day was the year that he
was all the way across the country, and had to rely on her to get
me a gift for some reason. He entrusted her to buy me a gift
from him (what a mistake!), and I got a nondescript sweatshirt that
cost $3 from one of those "outlet stores" that sets up
shop for a month, then closes. That all hurt my feelings,
and I learned to laugh at it. And since then, I received the
same exact gifts two years in a row, because she forgot, OR because
she knows that I'll just say, "Thanks!", and my husband
will say, "Mom, you got that for her last year!"
And his mom replies, "Well, give it back, and I'll get you
something else." Then, she conveniently forgets to get
me anything else. So, I basically do not receive a gift.
It is no skin off my back, because I personally think she has awful
taste. She also has this thing where she insists that we give
her a list of things we want for Christmas (which I think is rude
to insist that I have this or that, but I also respect that she
says it helps her to shop more easily). Well, when she gets
our lists, she makes fun of mine in front of the whole family, and
says things like, "I don't buy nonfunctional, impractical items."
Or, "What would you do with that?" Or, "That's
way too expensive!" She just does this to me, and not
my SIL who is "perfect" in my MIL's eyes. Well,
that's nothing. One year, I had "thermal underwear for
snowskiing" as a really practical item on my Christmas list
for my MIL. My husband had taught me to snow ski while we
were vacationing with his family, since his family skied, and my
family did not. My MIL took a lot of pride in thinking that
her family had taught me something, and had given me opportunities
that my family had not. So I thought she'd be open to the
idea of buying me something that she had a part in. Guess
what she gave me? THERMAL UNDERWEAR. The old fashioned
kind. A pair of men's waffle weave thermals that had belonged
to her now deceased father (they were yellowed from age).
She also pointed out how she'd sewn up the fly/crotch for me so
they'd be more feminine. I received a few other knickknacks,
but guess what my in-laws bought for my SIL? A brand new pair
of water skis. By the way, my in-laws are upper middle class,
and have a brand new home that is over 4000 sq. ft. on a lake.
Signed - I Know They
Don't Like Me, But I Don't Like Them Either
RESPONSE: I Know They Don't Like Me, But I Don't Like
Them Either
Keep laughing!!!!
RESPONSE: I Know They Don't Like Me, But I Don't Like
Them Either
I'll tell you what I'd write on my Christmas "want" list
this year if I were you: "I just want two things:
Your love, and your respect. And if I can't get love, I'll
be happy to settle for some respect." And I would NEVER
go through that performance again!!!!!!
RESPONSE: I Know They Don't Like Me, But I Don't Like
Them Either
On the next Christmas list, put down nothing for you. Don't
even spend Christmas with them again. Or you can put down
"MIL stay away". Wouldn't that be the best gift
of all? She sounds like a rude lady, who is walking all over
you.
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