My MIL has a lot of
property. My 3 teens help (for money) care for the pool, 8
acres of grass that needs cutting, and a huge garden. She,
in addition, wants us to come over some weekends for extra help.
She is capable of doing 95% of all this work. I complain to
my husband that our yard looks poor because MIL comes first.
I work every other weekend, and don't feel it is our responsibility.
She, in return, occasionally gives the kids a ride during schedule
conflicts. My SIL and family stopped coming due to their increased
expectations at work. My husband is afraid to talk with her.
Why must she have us all? The kids should be enough.
How can I convince my husband that we come first?
Signed - Work, Work,
Work
RESPONSE: Work, Work, Work
You can convince your husband that you come first by PUTTING yourself
and the kids first. Don't go over there on the weekends!
If DH wants to work like a slave, let him. But YOU should
not.
RESPONSE: Work, Work, Work
If he doesn't get it now, you won't convince him. Simply tell
him what's what, and then act on it.
Worst gift: Assume my
married last name is Smith. MIL gave us a cookbook that she
made and titled, "Smith Family and Friends Recipes".
I had been married to DH for five years. The cookbook contained
recipes from all her children and some friends. Not one recipe
in there had my name on it. One of the recipes that she listed
under her daughter's name was a recipe that I brought to family
functions many times. I was glad to know that I am not considered
to be a friend. But, I was hurt to know that I am not considered
family though.
Signed - May MIL's Dishes
Keep Tasting Like The Vomit They Always Have
RESPONSE: May MIL's Dishes Keep Tasting Like The Vomit
They Always Have
Wow! Are you my long lost twin? Just last Christmas,
my MIL made up a similar cookbook and gave it to all the young women
in the family, including a copy to me. She made an introduction
page, on which she talked about the importance of family love and
acceptance. She then signed the page, "Love, MIL, FIL,
DD and DS." Not only did she leave out BIL and other
IL's names, she used SIL's maiden name instead of her married name.
Just like you, a recipe that originated in MY family got into that
cookbook, and she took all the credit for it! As for the remainder
of the recipes, I think she pulled them out of thin air. I've
been married to my DH for 5 years, and I have never, ever seen her
make one of these so-called vintage family recipes. To tell
you the truth, I don't even know where I put the darn cookbook!
This is to the mother
of the sick child, whose MIL will not reveal the DH's birth mother.
I just thought of something. This really depends on whether
you want the publicity or not, but I think that this could help.
Newspapers, radio, and the internet are always publishing cries
for help. This is a great public interest stories. Americans
always love the underdog. Have you thought of making a public
appeal in the state that DH was born in? Contact newspapers
and radio stations, giving the details of DH's birth, INCLUDING
his adoptive mother's name. If you have a birth date and a
place of birth, you will probably be able to find the birth mother,
or someone who knew her. Also, if you know the city, perhaps
you can contact the local hospitals. While they cannot legally
give you the name of a woman who gave birth at the hospital at a
certain date, perhaps they would be willing to try and contact the
woman themselves, giving your name and address to her. This
way, they are not breaching her right to privacy, but are letting
her know that her grandson is in trouble.
Signed - Have You Thought
Of Making A Public Appeal
Does anybody else out
there have a MIL who hates you out of pure jealousy? I know
mine does. Not to sound conceited, but I look good.
And, it's because I take care of myself. I am 5'5, 115 lbs.
I watch what I eat. I exercise, take time to style my hair,
apply makeup, and do my nails. I also make sure that my clothes
look decent, and that I smell good. I have an education, and
a very good job that I am happy with. My DH and I have many
friends, and we enjoy going out and traveling. MIL is not
obese, but she is very overweight. She lives on fried and
fatty foods, can't walk upstairs without getting out of breath,
and doesn't "waste her time with nonsense garbage" when
it comes to her appearance. She has no problem wearing clothes
that are stained and ripped, and only wears deodorant when it's
hot out. She tells me my degrees are useless, and that I must've
slept with someone to get my job. She has no friends, never
goes out, and has never been any more than 10 miles out of her home
town. She constantly puts me down, telling me I've gained
weight or that I look horrible. Or, she tells me that it's
too bad that I have to spend "so much time" on my appearance,
and that I can't look "naturally beautiful" like she does.
Knowing that she's so jealous makes me laugh at her whenever she
says things like that.
Signed - The Good, The
Bad, The Ugly
RESPONSE: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
Yes, my in-laws are like that. Ugly, obese, they never fix
up, and they are jealous and hateful towards anyone who does, including
ME!
RESPONSE: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
I think my MIL is jealous too. She is a great looking woman,
very slim and petite. And I know she was a real looker in
her day. I am nothing out of the ordinary, but the way she
competes with me all the time is really disturbing. Over the
past 12 years, it has been constant. She always reminds me
(and anyone who'll listen) that she is a smaller size than I am.
And, she loves to go shopping with me, just so she can say, "Oh,
that would be too big for me." She's the same with shoes,
as she's a size smaller. Who cares! It makes me cringe,
and I know I will never make a fool of myself like that when I am
her age!
RESPONSE: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
You sound awfully full of yourself. Maybe you could show some
compassion to your MIL, who obviously needs help. Sometimes
people just need a little push to get them started. Or, are
you afraid she'll slim down, style her hair, get some fashionable
clothes, and look better than you?? Beauty is in the eye of
the beholder.
RESPONSE: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
This sounds like my story. I am an aerobics instructor who
gave birth to twins, and I had to hear, with hope, from both MIL
and SIL that I wouldn't lose the weight. I have a home which
DH and I built ourselves, and I now stay at home with my children.
It never ends. Just flat out say next time you get a "jealousy
comment" thrown your way, "That is interesting,"
or, "What a compliment coming from someone of YOUR caliber,"
and they will eventually stop. It worked for me. My
in-laws barely speak to me now, and I like it that way. The
jealousy is in their eyes. Too bad. I almost feel sorry
for them, because I am not flaunting anything.
RESPONSE: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
I consider myself to also be a good looking gal, and I have, on
occasion, been subject to a few mean comments from so called friends,
etc. I put it down to jealousy too, so I know what it is like.
It is not fun having people being jealous of you, in fact it is
cr@ppy! However, remember, beauty is only skin deep, and nobody
likes people who love themselves too much! I think you need
to ease up on your MIL a little, as not everyone is born slim and
good looking. Although I don't think there is any excuse for
being smelly and dirty! She probably hates herself so much
that she doesn't feel there is any point. People do let themselves
go when they have such low self esteem. With your MIL being
overweight, not having much of a social life, etc., etc., and you
being so gorgeous and slim, and having an abundance of friends,
you probably make her feel even more unattractive and bad about
herself than she does already. Unfortunately, to deal with
her own insecurities, she lashes out at you. To be honest,
I feel a bit sorry for her, and I think that you should let her
comments fly over your head, because you are more fortunate than
she is. Just be thankful that you were blessed with your looks,
intelligence, and the ability to make lots of friends!
RESPONSE: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
Our MILs must be twins who were separated at birth!! My FMIL
is the same way. She is overweight, and also lives on her
"soul food" cooking (greasy, fatty food). She does
not wear nice clothing, just old cotton shorts and tank tops (WITHOUT
A BRA, SHE IS IN HER 60'S, GROSS!!). She does not have an
education beyond high school, and is retired from a phone company
where she was not well liked. She, too, has hardly any friends,
and her life revolves around her only child/son (my FDH).
She is a pathetic and sad person. I really feel sorry for
her because of how she looks, acts, and talks. She is rude,
tacky, and VERY unladylike. I, on the other hand, have my
Master's. She is jealous of that. I teach high school.
She is jealous of my job, and the fact that I was recognized by
the city for my teaching. I keep myself up by wearing make-up,
and doing my hair and nails. I am very well groomed, and proud
of my looks. She is jealous of that too, because she hears
FDH tell me how beautiful I am all the time, and he never compliments
her. I laugh, too, because she is just so sad. HEE,
HEE!!
We're living with my
MIL for a short period of time while we are in-between jobs (but
it feels like forever). My husband's been doing the laundry,
partly so I can stay out of her way more. So, the other day,
while he was doing the laundry, she said to me, "Don't you
do laundry?" Well, even if he did all the housework and
all the other work for the two of us, it's still none of her business.
I couldn't see her expression, because her back was to me, and she
was doing the dishes. But this is clearly a jab. But
I tried to deflect and say, "Sometimes. DH has had more
time lately." Not to let it die, she tersely said, "Not
today." Well, the truth is that generally he does have
more time, because his commute takes almost two hours less each
day than mine does. But, he is busy this day because he wants
to go out with his friends in the evening. And, I've also
been going to a lot of interviews. I know no one in town,
and so I will be trapped at home with the MIL alone. I paused
again, counted to ten, and said lightly, "Not if you count
going out with his friends." I figured that she could
take this as an acknowledgment that she's right if she wants to,
but it still makes my point. Well, she wouldn't let it die.
She escalated and said, "Well, not that it's any of my business,
but ..." I bit my tongue as she continued, "DIL,
I don't know how you'd manage without him." Clearly,
the not-so-very-subtle-subtext is, "You're useless, and he
does all the work." I was seething at this point, and
so I managed to say, again trying to sound lighthearted, "Well,
I don't know how he'd manage without me either." And
she said, "Well, I don't know about that." Can you
believe it? Clearly she was saying that I'm useless, and totally
dependent on DH, whereas he could be better off without me.
Aargh! I could totally use some advice. Please help!
Signed - Close to MILicide
RESPONSE: Close to MILicide
It's hard to avoid those instances when you live with someone.
My DH got up at 3:00 AM and delivered newspapers to give us the
extra money we needed for our own place. Don't suffer - do
whatever it takes to get out. Your MIL probably won't change.
When she says something mean, just give her a huge, beaming smile.
It will confuse her at the very least.
RESPONSE: Close to MILicide
Gosh, DON'T live with her, and tell her to mind her own business.
My ILs have said snide things because my husband irons his own shirts
for Sunday. He is just better at it. I do other things.
RESPONSE: Close to MILicide
Well, you know the old saying, "My house, my rules"?
You really don't have much to say unless you move out and take responsibility
for yourself and your marriage.
RESPONSE: Close to MILicide
Get out, get out, get out! I would work three fast food jobs
to earn enough money to get an apartment before I would live with
her. I would even consider the Salvation Army. I would
not put myself in that situation for anything! I would move
in with those friends your DH goes out with. Anything, except
living with the MIL!
RESPONSE: Close to MILicide
Your MIL must be like mine! She was always telling people
that I took advantage of her son. And she convinced her daughter
that I was using him! I NEVER had a chance to challenge them
by saying, "Hey, wait a minute. YOUR SON MOVED INTO 'MY'
APARTMENT. HE USES 'MY CAR' TO DRIVE 2 BLOCKS TO WORK.
I never made him pay for anything, except his share of the phone
bill!" SO how is it that WE are the useless ones?????
Our MILs are insane!
RESPONSE: Close to MILicide
You need to do whatever is necessary to get out of her house.
With you being there, she has the upper hand and probably feels
as though she has control over the both of you.
RESPONSE: Close to MILicide
Sorry, but as long as you're under her roof, you're trapped.
Get out as soon as you and DH can! And what's the big idea
of DH hanging out with his friends, while you're getting dumped
on?? He is your only ally, but you do have the power to leave
the situation, if needed. Maybe you could stay with your mom
for a couple of weeks? I admire your self-control!!
I'm still working on that!
RESPONSE: Close to MILicide
You are not going to like my advice, but oh well. MOVE OUT
NOW! It was your and DH's mistake to ever move in with MIL
in the first place. I understand that you two are looking
for jobs and trying to get started again, but there are/were other
alternatives, I am sure, to moving in with this passive-aggressive
b!tch. Move out now!!! Isn't there someone else you
can stay with while you find a job and home? You were just
asking for trouble by moving in with her. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Close to MILicide
Living with MIL is a fate worse than death for any length of time.
Isn't there a tree you could camp out under somewhere?
RESPONSE: Close to MILicide
First I would find the smallest, cheapest apartment or trailer,
and move out. I wouldn't even tell her that you were moving.
When you start moving things out of her house and she asks what
you are doing, I would say, "We are moving. I don't know
how you will manage without us doing things around here."
Then walk right out the door while she is b!tching at you and your
husband. Don't look back. Well, maybe a look over your
shoulder with a catty smile on your face. And, don't ever
move back in with family again - no matter what. Move far
away from her too. Answer the phone if and when she calls,
and say that you are too busy if she wants something. If she
wants to talk to DH, say that he is busy, and can't come to the
phone right now. She made ME mad when I read your post.
HUG. Good luck!!
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- The Forgotten One 1 of 4 needed
/Posted: 21-MAY-02
I honestly feel that my in-laws hate me. I
always do the wrong thing, or have said the wrong thing, or something.
They always seem to react negatively or disrespectfully, or downright
hatefully to me. I mean, there was the "gift incident"
where my MIL conveniently "forgot" me. There have
been so many things. My DH was the first to notice the hoarseness
in his father's voice. I know he was really worried about
his dad. When I got the call, and his sisters told me that
their dad would go for exploratory surgery for a lump on his tonsils,
I was so sorry that my DH would not get the chance to talk to his
dad before the surgery. They called at 8 PM, and my DH was
at work then. The dad was to have surgery first thing the
next morning. I decided that I would call the dad and wish
him well, and let him know we would be thinking about him the next
day. I knew that all the sisters were over there having dinner
that night. So, I foolishly called. ME: "I
just wanted to let you know that DH and I will be thinking about
you tomorrow." FIL yelled in my ear: "I WISH
EVERYONE WOULD JUST LEAVE ME ALONE AND QUIT CALLING!"
CLICK! He hung the phone up. I was a little bewildered.
I wondered how I could have made such an error in judgment as to
have thought that my call would offer comfort, when it actually
upset him. I am so very sorry that I upset him. He never
mentioned the call to me or DH. I am always doing the wrong
thing with these people. I wish someone could explain what
I did, and how it was such poor judgment. I was so ashamed
to have upset a sick man, much less my FIL.
RESPONSE: Poor Judgment
He was probably scared. But don't sweat it. And, just
don't call them for a DAMN thing again!!!
RESPONSE: Poor Judgment
If the jerks don't want to play, then find other people to be nice
to. Talk to your husband, and tell him how they've hurt you.
And, let him deal with his family from now on. You can't MAKE
people like you, and you still have your own family and friends.
So for the sake of your health and self-esteem, let them go.
RESPONSE: Poor Judgment
He was probably just venting. Imagine being in his position,
with everyone talking about what he should do, asking about surgery,
etc. He probably just wanted some relief from "surgery
talk". I know I got tired of everyone talking about surgery
when I had to go through it. It is very stressful, and sometimes
you just want everyone to talk to you like it isn't going on, so
that you won't have to think about it.
RESPONSE: Poor Judgment
Don't feel sorry for him! Do he and MIL feel sorry for hurting
your feelings? NO. You should know by now that you will
never do anything that is appreciated or respected, regardless.
They are sad people. They have to be related to my ILs.
Quit trying to please them - it just ain't gonna happen. Concentrate
on your happiness. It's their loss.
RESPONSE: Poor Judgment
I wouldn't feel badly about calling. My dad sounds quite a
bit like your FIL. When he was fighting cancer, he would respond
angrily to sympathy. It sounds like your FIL was nervous about
his impending surgery, and maybe the family members who were with
him had been bothering him all day. Men seem to have a difficult
time showing fear. I wouldn't take the outburst personally.
RESPONSE: Poor Judgment
I can't speak for your FIL, but it could be that he really was tired
of telling people about his condition, and how he was feeling.
I have been diagnosed with an incurable (but not terminal, thank
goodness) condition. I had to face a lot of acquaintances
a few weeks ago who didn't know about it yet. After about
the 10th time someone had expressed their sympathy, it had really
begun to get on my nerves and I snapped at the next person who asked
why I was walking with a cane. Not that it excuses your FIL's
behavior, but it's really stressful to have to talk about the same
thing (which you'd rather not have to think about) to ten different
people - one right after the other - even though they do mean well.
I kind of felt like yelling the same thing your FIL did. I
later apologized, but it doesn't sound like you can expect that
from your FIL. My advice to you is to let your DH handle future
situations with his family, and stop worrying so much about trying
to please them. You're only setting yourself up to be hurt.
RESPONSE: Poor Judgment
It was not poor judgment on your part. Your FIL was obviously
worried, and having trouble dealing with his surgery, and did not
want to be reminded of it. People sometimes react with anger
because it is the only emotion they are comfortable with.
He was probably very upset and worried, and his family worrying
about him just made him feel worse. You did nothing wrong.
I imagine that he has not mentioned it because he knows he was in
the wrong by yelling at you, and doesn't want to admit it.
Hang in there. You sound like a caring, decent person.
RESPONSE: Poor Judgment
You did nothing wrong! Your FIL most likely was feeling scared,
and your phone call was just a way to let off steam. I am
sad for you that he did this to you, but he might have done this
to anyone who called that night. Since your FIL doesn't put
you high on his list of favorites, he probably doesn't feel like
he should say that he is sorry. What does it matter to him
if your feelings where hurt, then or any other time. I doubt
he does feel sorry. I know how this feels, because the very
same thing has happened to me many a time. Now, if I were
to call these people, I would just tell them that I hope the Dr.
doesn't sneeze at a bad time. Or some other stuff, just to
make them worry more. My PILs are so horrid to me that I love
to piss them off now! Cheer up. This man is horrid to
you whether he is sick or well, and he would love to see how he
hurt you. Next time, don't call. And, when they ask
why you didn't, remind them of what FIL said to you. Good
luck. You have a hard road.
RESPONSE: Poor Judgment
I think you are fretting way too much, and being a little self obsessed!
Not everything is about you!! When people are seriously ill,
everyone calls them up to tell them that they are thinking about
them, or to get well soon, or to say how sorry they are, etc., etc.
It must get on a person's nerves a bit, especially as it takes something
like an illness to make people pick up the phone! Also, I
know that when I am really worried about something, I get a bit
snappy and short tempered. My mother tells me so!! You
were probably the hundredth person to call that day, and you got
the brunt end of your FIL's fears. I really wouldn't take
it personally, and I think it would be a little selfish of you to
act hurt (your FIL and his family have a lot to deal with, and he
doesn't need to worry about your feelings as well). Sorry
to sound harsh and unsympathetic, but the kindest thing you can
do is to take a step into the background and be there for him, if
and when he needs you.
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