My MIL of 5 years has
driven me mad. Just the sight of her makes me want to run
in the opposite direction. Last night, DH and I took our baby
to see her, and while the whole family (DH, FIL, BIL, MIL, and I)
was sitting in her living room playing with the baby, MIL, who was
on the floor, started flossing pork chops out of her teeth.
Now, if that isn't ladylike, I don't know what is. I asked
her if she was flossing her teeth (just to be sure, and not freak
out for nothing), and she replied, with a laugh, snort, bounce,
combination saying, "Yeah," with chops flying 2 feet in
front of her onto the carpet (for my 1 year old son to pick up and
stick in his mouth). Excuse me while I go stick my head in
the toilet. I said, "That is nasty," and said good-bye
shortly after. Unfortunately, I only had to walk next door
to go home. The woman wasn't raised with any manners.
I always use manners - maybe one day she will pick them up from
me. I could go on and on about MIL, but I won't. I just
need a way of politely telling MIL how offended I am when she is
being gross. She farts out loud, burps, and then blows it
out of her mouth. She flosses in front of people, and bites
her nails to the knuckle at the dinner table. I could go on.
What do I say to her when she is committing these illegal manners??
Signed - Grossed Out
DIL!
RESPONSE: Grossed Out DIL!
You're right, those things ARE gross. But, did you know that
it is bad manners for us to point out other people's bad manners?
I did that to my MIL once, and realized afterward that my treatment
of her was ruder than her crude behavior. It's not your job
to be the manners police for anyone, except your own children -
and yourself.
RESPONSE: Grossed Out DIL!
My MIL has manners like yours! She talks with her mouth full,
and the food flies out. She also belches out loud and farts
out loud, and then laughs at herself. She will scratch her
crotch and butt in public, and much more. Every time I have
to eat at her house and she does one of her gross things, I will
put my fork down and not eat anymore. After a few minutes,
my MIL will notice and ask me why I'm not eating. I'll look
at her and tell her I've lost my appetite. She then looks
at me like she has no idea why. This kind of person's brains
should definitely be studied!
RESPONSE: Grossed Out DIL!
I feel for you! On Mother's Day, DH and I took MIL out to
a very nice restaurant. FIL passed away very recently, and
I suggested to DH that we try to make her feel special on this day.
She lives 2 1/2 hours away. We drove down in the afternoon,
and planned on spending the night and returning the next morning.
I'm 7 months pregnant, and am really not up to extended drives or
sleeping anywhere but my own bed. But I decided that making
her feel special on Mother's day was more important that my own
physical comfort. That said, I will NEVER suggest taking her
to a nice restaurant again. She totally embarrassed me - complaining
when we weren't seated immediately (we were 20 minutes early for
our reservations), commenting about prices, complaining that salads
were a la carte, complaining about the service (which was wonderful),
commenting on how my steak was HUGE (shared it with DH and still
took 1/2 home, but she always has to get digs in about my weight).
She licked her knife. She reached across the table and stabbed
some feta cheese in my salad and asked, "What's that!!??"
When I told her (disgusted) what it was, she looked grossed out.
She continuously had her elbows on the table. And, she spent
the entire dinner pointing all the high-school girls there for pre-prom
dinner out to my husband - which made him uncomfortable. He
kept telling her that I was the most beautiful woman there, which
did help me get through dinner with my sanity intact! She
looked at me and said, "Isn't it wonderful to have someone
love you no matter what?" Insinuating, of course, that
I'm certainly nothing to look at, especially 7 months pregnant!
Let me just put in here that DH has always thought I look good,
and he makes sure I know it too. I've only gained about 15
lbs. with this pregnancy so far, and I'm quite comfortable with
my weight. At the end of dinner, when the check was brought,
she insisted on checking it out to make sure they didn't put anything
extra on it. And, then she told my husband what to give for
a tip. She suggested $2.00 for a meal that, from start to
finish (hors d'oeuvres, wine - not for me though, but I could have
used it!, salads, main course, dessert and coffee for three people),
was over $100.00. When I told her that we normally tip 20%
(I've been in food service, and I know what wait people get paid
- they basically live off tips!), she looked at me like I was crazy.
I told her that I'd explain it to her in the car. I was embarrassed
from start to finish, and went right up to bed when we got back
to her house. Of course, this was bad manners on my part,
because I didn't sit in the living room and make small talk for
an hour. I just didn't have the strength! So, you see,
I know where you're coming from with the bad manners thing.
It just gets disgusting after a while, and you have to escape!
All we can do is avoid it at all costs. Too bad that you live
right next door though! I feel for you!
Movin' On. My
MIL lives her life through everyone around her, and everything is
a big drama. Her son and I were married when we were young,
and as I got older, I wised up. We all lived in a small town
for ten years. She was constantly in our business, and after
my husband's attention. To top it off, anything we did got
repeated to all of her relatives. On a couple of occasions,
I asked her, "What is said and done here, stays here."
She just didn't comprehend that. Ten years of this and her
put downs and negativity. I had no choice but to put her in
her place. So, being in the small town that we were in, she
spread around town that I had a nervous breakdown. At that
point, unfortunately, I gave my husband a choice - me or her.
We moved to another town about 45 minutes away. After six
months of being away, we later found out that she was on medication,
and attending a behavioral health center for a year. All the
while, she was convincing people around her that I had mental problems.
The only problem that I had was to want my own life! Sometimes,
new fresh starts ARE what you need to move on to save your marriage.
Signed - Sometimes, New
Fresh Starts ARE What You Need
RESPONSE: Sometimes, New Fresh Starts ARE What You
Need
I'm glad you got out. I am also glad MIL got the help she
needed. People who believe spiteful stories are not worth
much, but I can imagine how difficult living in her small town could
be.
RESPONSE: Sometimes, New Fresh Starts ARE What You
Need
I'm sorry that your MIL is a nutcase! Funny how they do that
to us DILs though! My MIL tells everyone that I am crazy,
because her daughter is a complete psychotic, and she has been trying
to break apart my marriage to her brother for 7 years! She's
been in trouble before, according to her church, and she also was
in the hospital for a huge drug overdose. I only suffer from
mild depression (probably brought on by my MIL and SIL and their
sh!tty treatment of me). And they think I am the crazy one?????
I'm glad your DH got you away from her!
Okay, so MIL called
the other night, and since DH was out to sea, I had to talk to her.
I was surprised that she didn't have to get off the phone as soon
as she found out that he was still gone (since that is what she
usually does). So, 2 minutes into our conversation, my call
waiting beeped, and it was MIL's mother. So, I was on the
phone with MIL, and she didn't even bring up my DS's birthday that
is a week away. Then, I have to hear about how lonely and
bored she is, because her husband finally got a job (after almost
2 years) - and he has to work late every night. Hello, I don't
want to hear that she is lonely just because her DH has to work
a little late, when my DH has been out to sea for over a month!
Okay, it may be hard for her to get used to having her DH gone for
8 hours a day, when she is used to having him home 24 hours a day,
7 days a week, but does she not think that it is hard for me and
my son to have my DH gone for weeks or months at a time? She
didn't even ask how my son was doing since his daddy has been out
to sea. It can't be too hard for her to remember when his
birthday is, since she just had to get married on his first birthday!
After I got off the phone with her, I called GMIL back (I wouldn't
want to be accused of avoiding talking to her). I started
telling her about things my DS has been doing, and she asked how
old he was. I told her that he is almost 2. So she asked
when his birthday was! I told her the day, and so she asked
what month! IT IS THIS MONTH! It just really upsets
me that they can not remember my DS's birthday. But then again,
why should they remember his birthday, when they can't remember
my husband's! They just called to tell me about all their
problems, and to try to get me to feel sorry for them.
Signed - Fed Up With
These NEEDY People
RESPONSE: Fed Up With These NEEDY People
Get caller ID, and an answering machine.
RESPONSE: Fed Up With These NEEDY People
I am so glad that I am not the only one who is bombarded by needy
in-law stories!!! My husband has been away for almost three
months now (on deployment) and he won't be coming back for another
6 months. My MIL never asks about our son when she calls.
She only talks about my SIL, and how hard she has it because she
is a single mom now, since she is freshly divorced. And, I
always think, "Well, it isn't easy on my son and me by ourselves
either." Duh! But she never says anything about
that. To top everything off, she totally didn't acknowledge
my son's birthday this past Saturday. She didn't send a card,
or call, or anything. It just happens that my son's birthday
is on the same day as my MIL's father's, so I doubt she forgot about
it. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
After my MIL's extremely
inappropriate behavior at Thanksgiving time, my husband said that
he just did not want to go to her place for Christmas. While
she'd been down here, she bought some rose bushes that were on sale.
It was a really good sale, and we said we'd bring them up with us
when we came. Later on, she threw one tantrum too many, and
my husband got his fill. Anyway, after waffling back and forth
for a week, we decided to go to preserve the peace. Then I
slipped on wet leaves, and fell and cracked my tailbone. Let
me tell you, that hurts. There was no way I could sit in a
car for 10 hours, which is how long it takes to drive there.
So, we called to cancel. She said that she figured we weren't
coming (kinda snarky). And, it just aggravated me because
we WERE coming in spite of the fact that we hated the thought of
being around her! My stepdaughter came a few weeks later to
see us. She said that Nana told her that "SUPPOSEDLY",
I had fallen and hurt myself. I was so tempted to go back
to my doctor, who I had seen for my fall, and get a copy of my records
to show her that it was true! I couldn't quit laughing.
My stepdaughter offered to take a picture of the scabs I still had
on my leg and mail it to her! It's mean, I know, but what
can you do? Then, I got a card from her on my birthday, and
she said that she was still waiting for her roses. She needed
to get them in the ground. Like I was going to drive 10 hours
to drop off 5 rosebushes that cost a total of $25? Right!
I'm thinking of planting them in the back yard and sending her a
money order. My husband's birthday was a month later, and
she called a week after it to wish him a happy birthday. She
tricked us. She used a phone card, so it didn't show her name
on the caller ID!!! So, now we know to let that particular
area code go to the answering machine. My sweet, kind, unsuspicious,
gracious husband sat there for a few minutes after her call.
He was just thinking. Then he said, "Oooooh, I get it.
Mother's Day is next week. She must want a present."
I fell over because I was laughing so hard. I told him to
get her what she gave him - a card. So many of these MILs
think that we're all stupid. But we're just not!
Signed - Fed Up To Here
RESPONSE: Fed Up To Here
Sorry about your injury. Funny though, I had a similar accident
and my MIL also thought I was faking it to stay away from them!
You would think that after all they have done to me and their son,
they would know by now that I am upfront and honest about my feelings!
If I don't want to go, I simply say that I can't stand being around
these hypocrites, and that's that! I had to giggle at what
your DH said! I'm glad he sees through her!!!!
In answer to responses
about the SIL (GREAT ONE'S WIFE) who bugs me about wearing dresses:
Yes, I told her about the IC (interstitial cystitis), and she replied,
"Well, if you think you have bladder pain now, wait until you
are PREGNANT! You will be in the bathroom all the time then!
You don't know bladder pain until you have been pregnant."
Yes, I have asked her why this dressed up thing is an issue, and
like EVERYTHING else in this weird faaamily, I can't get an answer.
She just says, "You dress up so much." She always
STARES at me (she has since our the first meeting). I don't
think I look strange, but she makes me feel like an oddity, and
I just want to run. Her husband does this too. It gives
me the creeps. The other faaaamily members don't do this,
only GREAT ONE and his wife. Once we traveled up there for
DH's mother's wedding. I was TOLD by both of DH's sisters,
and THE GREAT ONE'S wife, to dress down. Both DH and I were
asked to dress "dressy casual". So, I wore an office
suitable, medium blue, long sleeved blouse, and a long (mid calf),
black, A-Line skirt. I also wore one string of fake pearls,
my gold dress watch, flat shoes, and yes, I did fix my hair the
way DH likes it. We walked into the restaurant where we met
them that morning, and she just stared at me (and so did one of
her daughters). They looked at each other, made a weird face,
and then went back to staring at me. I kept saying hello,
and trying to make conversation, but they just kept staring.
Finally, one of the other daughters came over and made pleasant
conversation, but SIL and her other daughter just keep staring at
me. It was kind of like the way they stared in the movie "Aliens"
when they knew that a pod was going to explode out of somebody.
DH wore his sport coat and Dockers, but no tie. GREAT ONE
wore a pullover. Wouldn't you know it, MIL was outraged!
She said that her sons disrespected her by not dressing up.
Okay, so maybe they did. But we were told by her daughters
that no one was dressing up! Her daughters were not "dressed
up" either, so what was the big deal??????? I was told,
pointedly, by her daughter, that I should not "over dress".
DH took that to heart as well, and took care not to "overdo
it." All this stuff with dress codes, and "who is"
and "who is not" dressed up is so crazy! Thanks
for letting me vent here. Thank you all for your responses.
I have known this about her, what you said, but SIL is older than
I am by ten years, so I keep thinking that she couldn't be that
insecure. It is only a dress, woman!
Signed - Okay, So Does
Anyone Here Know Why They Stare?
RESPONSE: Okay, So Does Anyone Here Know Why They Stare?
It seems that your SIL suffers from the Holy Motherhood Syndrome,
which, in short, means: 1) She has given birth!
2) No one who has not given birth could ever know anything
about anything that is remotely related to giving birth. 3)
Unless the people who have not given birth plan to do so in the
very near future, they are immature, childish, inconsiderate (well,
whatever adjective she wants to stick to them, and she should know,
because she has given birth). 4) Nothing (I repeat nothing)
anybody in category 3 could do could ever measure up to giving birth
(and being pregnant, of course). 5) Since she has given
birth, she can advise anybody (especially category 2 and 3 persons)
on any topic. I am sure you could add a few symptoms of hers
to that list! The next time she picks on your way to dress,
tell her that you are old enough to dress yourself! If she
ever belittles your disease in comparison to her pregnancies (which
I think was extremely rude and inconsiderate of her), tell her that
you wish you could be sure that your pain would be over in nine
months, or that you wish there was a way to prevent your disease
(like there are different methods of family planning). Best
of luck!
RESPONSE: Okay, So Does Anyone Here Know Why They Stare?
Dear The Forgotten One, They stare because they are JEALOUS!!!
They wish they were as young as you, as pretty, and as educated.
They just can't stand the fact that your DH has someone in his life
who keeps him from running to them to help with every little thing
(from what I have read from your other posts, and on the boards).
They just do not want your DH to be happy, and have someone in his
life who loves him. Don't feel too badly, my in-laws treat
me like I am an outcast too.
RESPONSE: Okay, So Does Anyone Here Know Why They Stare?
I would think MIL would be happy that her sons were there, and not
concerned about how they were dressed. How picky! In
the past, I have asked my ILs for a list of "rules", because
I can never seem to do what they want either. Anyway, next
time they are staring at you, say "you are staring, is there
something you want to say? Or is something wrong?"
They won't have an answer, and it may make them aware they are staring.
I hate when people stare also, it makes me very uncomfortable.
Some people have no manners at all!
RESPONSE: Okay, So Does Anyone Here Know Why They Stare?
The dress code isn't the issue here. These people are using
this as a way to get to you. They know how to upset you.
And my opinion is to leave them alone. Refuse their invitations
to do anything. Do you honestly think you could do or dress
in any manner that would suit them?? They will talk about
you and insult you no matter what you do, because they are not playing
fair. They are ganging up on you now, and you should not allow
them to treat you this way. How long should you feel like
an alien?? Let them be miserable together, without the benefit
of your company! Good luck!
RESPONSE: Okay, So Does Anyone Here Know Why They Stare?
Since nobody will ever know what goes on in these weirdo's heads,
it will always be a mystery! But, I have a theory. You
know that they, for some strange reason, hate that you dress up.
Maybe they figure that if they stare at you and make you uneasy,
you'll be sure to listen to them and dress they way they want you
to (gag me!). Don't let them know that you're noticing their
stares, and are feeling uneasy. Act as if they are staring
at you because they JUST LOVE your outfit. Also, I got so
mad when I read that she told you that you wouldn't know bladder
pain until you were pregnant! Someone in DH's demented family
was at a family picnic when she overheard me tell DH that I had
stomach pains. She then proceeded to tell me that I had no
right to complain about stomach pains since I've never given birth.
Only women who have given birth know true stomach pains. What
babies!
RESPONSE: Okay, So Does Anyone Here Know Why They Stare?
Unless you are 5 years old, don't let ANYONE tell you how to dress.
If you feel good in the clothes you wear, you can never be overdressed.
Yes, even if it's a picnic and you wear your wedding dress - so
what. Wear what you want, in order to feel good. Don't
let SIL dictate your wardrobe. She sounds like a control freak,
if you ask me. If you look out of place, overdressed, etc.,
that should not be her problem. I know what you mean about
"Aliens" too. I got the same treatment. Some
families assume that if you dress nicely (or at least nicer than
they do), then you are somehow better than they are. No matter
what, it's their problem. When it happened to me, they were
trying to make me feel unwelcome and uncomfortable. I'd suggest
one of two things: Next time they stare, stare back - long
and hard, like you would to win dominance over a dog. Or,
simply ask, "Do I have something on my face? Because
I was wondering why you were staring." If they say that
they weren't staring, then the next time, cross your eyes at them
(then deny it - this is LOTS of fun!). Good luck!
RESPONSE: Okay, So Does Anyone Here Know Why They Stare?
That sure is a head-scratcher. Why in the world would they
care what you wear? It would be one thing if you wore sweatpants
to formal occasions, but you aren't doing anything offensive here.
Your SIL requires lots of patience on your part - she sounds soft
in the head. Who ARE these people?! She's being very
bizarre to be so controlling about your clothes. I guess that
you should just keep being kind to them, but they are pieces of
work, aren't they? Keep coming to this site, and vent to us
when it gets too weird. I'm starting to recognize your posts,
and that is one strange family. You must feel like you're
in the twilight zone! Avoid them whenever you can!
RESPONSE: Okay, So Does Anyone Here Know Why They Stare?
What a weirdo! Are you sure she doesn't fancy you!!
I personally think it is nice that you dress up and take pride in
your appearance! At the end of the day, you can wear what
you like! Why don't you stare at her and say, "My God
woman, can't you make more of an effort? You look a right
mess!!" You know the saying, "It is better to be
over dressed, than underdressed"? That's what we say
in England, anyway!! I absolutely love getting dressed up,
and would wear a ball dress every day if I could!! Unfortunately,
I don't get the opportunity to wear a ball dress, but sometimes
I try on my wedding dress! If she doesn't fancy you, then
maybe she is jealous of you. I wonder if she moans to her
husband and daughter about this "dress code rubbish".
Maybe they are sick of hearing about it, and that's the reason they
stare at you (because they know what's coming)!!
RESPONSE: Okay, So Does Anyone Here Know Why They Stare?
I feel for you, as my DH's family is also weird and hard to figure
out. We really believe that they are just plain jealous of
us. And, it makes them say and do many offensive things to
us. They are very interested in our lives, and we don't share
the same interest in theirs. And that bugs them to no end.
But also, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are suffering
from IC. My mom has it, and I know that it is very painful
for her. My mom has never been one to complain about physical
discomfort, but I know that this illness makes her miserable (even
the diagnostic tests made her miserable). If you want to get
into it with your SIL, tell her that my mom discovered (through
her research) that people have even committed suicide because of
the pain of IC. It was really rotten of your SIL to make those
comments to you about pregnancy vs. IC. Those comments were
way out of line - and since when did pain become an Olympic sized
competition? Just ignore them, and limit contact with them
as much as possible. They are not worth the effort, and never
will be.
I have to tell y'all
about Thanksgiving Weekend. My MIL, who lives a state away,
came for the holiday and asked if a woman friend of hers from another
state could come, as she had no plans. We said, "the
more, the merrier!" It was set to be a great day.
My siblings, their spouses, and their children came. My stepchildren,
my husband's brother and sister-in-law and their children, my parents,
my uncle and his wife and children were there, and so was my grandmother.
The were 24 people in all. FUN!! So! Granny, MIL
and MIL's friend stayed here on Wednesday night. MIL was scheduled
to fly in (no, not on a broom!) on Wednesday night, which was perfect.
She changed her flight to that afternoon because she felt it would
be more convenient for her. So, that meant that I had to work
overtime on Tuesday (when I was trying to get ready for a huge crowd),
so that I could leave work early on Wednesday to pick her up (since
my office is much closer to the airport than my husband's).
That meant that I got to cross a major American city at 4:30 in
the afternoon, on the start of a holiday weekend. Let's just
say that it took a long time. The next day we were all up,
and starting to cook. My MIL was stirring something in the
pot and my grandmother walked in and said something about stirring
the cauldron. That elicited a curled lip from my MIL.
Gran' dragged me off to a bedroom and said, "As soon as it
came out of my mouth, I knew I'd messed up." I couldn't
quit laughing. Then, as we all got busier with our different
tasks, my MIL slumped against the kitchen counter, clutched her
head, and said that she needs an aspirin - she thinks she's having
a stroke. We got her an aspirin, and she said that she'd lay
on the couch. She didn't want a doctor or an ambulance, just
an aspirin. My stepdaughter was there, too. When everyone
started to arrive about the same time, my MIL suddenly jumped up
and started playing the piano, and singing at the top of her voice.
My stepdaughter looked at me said, "Huh. I guess Nana's
feeling better." Once again, I cracked up! She
and her friend, who everyone just loved, left to go spend the next
couple of days with another friend. When they got back to
our house, it was AWFUL! My MIL was so extremely jealous of
her friend that it wasn't funny. That put her in attack mode.
We were going to meet up with my parents and uncle's family on Sunday
(after church, for all the good that did), and she started in.
Her friend was talking about her daughter and grandchildren, and
you could tell that she loved them. My MIL said, in this fake,
sweet, voice, "Now, this is the daughter who's never been married,
right? And she has two daughters from two different men, right?"
I thought I was going to faint. Her friend, who NEVER raises
her voice, lost it. She said that she was sick of my MILs'
ugly slights and comments. "What do you want me to say,
that my daughter is a whore? Okay, my daughter is a whore.
Is that what you want to hear?" I jumped in and said
that nobody thought that. We've all got things in our past
that we wish we'd done differently, and no one is in a position
to judge. I told her that I'm sure she had a wonderful daughter
and grandchildren, who were deserving of the love she obviously
felt for them. I said that everyone should say that they're
sorry, and just move on. MIL's friend told my MIL that she
was sorry if there was a misunderstanding, and if she overreacted.
I said that was really nice, and suggested to MIL that she also
apologize. She said she would not, and that she had nothing
to apologize for. I said, "Great, don't do anything to
preserve peace." The next day, my husband was going to
take MIL's friend to the airport. She tried to tell my MIL
that she was sorry if she'd done anything wrong. My MIL threw
her hands up in the air and started to walk away. She shouted,
"Get help! Get help! Get help!", all the way
down the hall. All I could think was, "That sure was
the pot calling the kettle "black". She left the
way she came. She had reservations for Monday evening, a time
that was convenient for my husband to take her to the airport.
She changed her reservations to midmorning. I'd taken the
van pool to work. So, she drove my car to the office, and
I got to leave on my lunch hour and take her to the airport.
It was almost a pleasure. These are just the highlights.
There was so much more that it makes me start to laugh. Especially
since I haven't had to see her since then. My husband took
my blood pressure the night she left. It was 145 over 90.
It's usually way below the norm of 120 over 80. That woman
will be the death of me.
Signed - That Woman Will
Be The Death Of Me
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