I don't know if I am
wrong on this, but my husband always puts his mother first in everything,
and I feel it shouldn't be so. I feel that I always have to
compete with my MIL to win my husband's favor. The thing is,
she knows that my husband will put her first, and she is taking
advantage of it. How can I get my husband to let go of his
mother a little, and give me the attention I deserve? Or should
I just continue to compete?
Signed - Should I Just
Continue To Compete?
RESPONSE: Should I Just Continue To Compete?
You won't be married long if you don't put a stop to that cr@p right
now. Tell hubby that it's time to cut the cord, or he and
mommy can live happily ever after - without you. You are crazy
to put up with that!
RESPONSE: Should I Just Continue To Compete?
It sounds as if competing isn't doing you any good. No wonder!
Here is my own mother's advice to me: If YOU do not come first
in his life, your marriage will never be worth much.
RESPONSE: Should I Just Continue To Compete?
There's another possibility: Why don't you just count your
losses and get rid of this wannabe-oedipus loser? You can't
change him, he'll always be a momma's boy. Run, don't walk.
RESPONSE: Should I Just Continue To Compete?
I have been married to a momma's boy for 12 years. I will
never come before her - I know this. Sometimes I just want
to give up. I know that he loves me, but believe me, those
mothers can get what they want by laying guilt trips on their sons.
I have a MIL that has done so much to keep him, as I say, "In
love" with her. It's terrible. I have tried everything.
I finally gave up and let him do as he wants with her. Because
she will never let him go. It is more her than him.
Thanks for listening.
RESPONSE: Should I Just Continue To Compete?
Do not compete, because no one will win. Tell your husband
how you truly feel. And, let him know that if his allegiance
is not to you first, you will have to find someone else to be your
partner in life. My DH is currently dealing with the same
problem, and being in the middle is very difficult for him.
It wasn't until the birth of our son that he really stood up to
MIL, and it took a lot of courage. He has a lot of guilt about
his family being left without a man after his father died (when
he was 17). And MIL and three SILs kind of made him into the
surrogate husband/dad. This is a hard habit to break, but
one which must be broken. I made that very clear to him, and
I also told him that if he didn't want me to deal with MIL, that
he would have to. I hope that helps. Good luck, and
never give up!
RESPONSE: Should I Just Continue To Compete?
Get the book "Toxic
In-laws", by Susan Forward. You need it.
Good luck. And he!! no, you aren't wrong for feeling as though
your husband should put you first. HE SHOULD! I hope
you haven't married a wimp who cannot stand up to his mommy.
Lots of luck. Get the book.
RESPONSE: Should I Just Continue To Compete?
If you find out how to get him to put YOU first instead of her,
please let me know. We have been married for over 8 years,
and have known each other for over 10. Mommy came first all
these years, until recently. I believe she still comes before
me in his heart, but my daughter has replaced her in his mind as
number one. I give up on ever being number one to him.
I can never say anything about his mommy dearest without it turning
into a heated, often violent argument. I don't like fighting
in front of my daughter (who is 2), so I just don't discuss MIL
at all in front of him - if I can avoid it. My MIL is a saint
who walks on water - to my hubby, his brothers, and some other close
family members. I seem to be the only one who is gifted enough
to see that she uses props to keep her afloat, and her halo is tarnished.
She uses money to "buy" people's loyalties, and anything
she does for anyone is for a self-serving need of her own.
She wants to keep her boys close (I have heard her say this many
times), so she is cunning enough to know to tolerate their wives,
as best she can, in order to achieve her goal. Hey, after
all these years, it seems to be working. Yes, she is the master
manipulator - she should teach a class on it! Just don't tell
my hubby or his brothers the truth, because they will put your face
through a wall! NOT mommy - mommy is a superior human being.
Yes, I actually heard those very words come out of one of my brother-in-law's
mouth!. Anyway, believe me, I feel your pain. And, I
have felt it for many, many years. You have two choices -
like I did - accept it, or divorce him. I chose to stay, but
maybe you will make a smarter choice. One that will make YOU
happy! Good-luck!
When my mother passed
away 2 years ago, our 8 year old daughter turned to my DH and asked,
"Why did the GOOD Grandma have to die?" I really
wish MIL/FIL could have heard that.
Signed - Out Of The Mouths
Of Babes
RESPONSE: Out Of The Mouths Of Babes
The innocence of children speaks volumes. If an 8 year old
can tell that your MIL is an idiot, what other validation do you
need? You are actually blessed that your child can see through
her, and your child isn't looking to "win" that grandmother
over. Congratulations on being such a good parent, and I am
sorry for your loss.
RESPONSE: Out Of The Mouths Of Babes
OUCH! Talk about a wake up call to DH. I don't know
the rest of your story, but if he hasn't already done so, DH needs
to deal with this one. Children aren't stupid. I'm very
sorry to hear about your mother's passing.
RESPONSE: Out Of The Mouths Of Babes
Your story made me laugh! It's true. If you want honesty,
ask a child! Maybe your daughter will repeat that around your
ILs.
When my husband and
I got engaged, we drove to my in-law's town to tell them.
In front of me, my MIL said to my husband, "You know, it is
not too late to change your mind. Are you sure this is what
you want?" AS IF I WAS NOT STANDING THERE, RIGHT IN FRONT
OF HER. Now, we live near their town, and my in-laws get upset
if he does not go over there every Sunday for dinner. I am
at the end of my rope.
Signed - At The End Of
My Rope
Okay, when I first met
my MIL we got along great. The first time she saw me, she
told my FDH that I was "a keeper". Me and my husband
were big partyers, and she was okay with that. My parents
were not - so I thought that she was so cool. I told her everything!
She was always buying me gifts, and spoiling me along with her kids.
I spent a lot of time over at her house. My husband didn't
treat me very well when we were first dating, as he was usually
under the influence. She would stick up for me when he did
mean things to me. My parents found out that I was doing drugs,
and kicked me out. I stayed with my MIL for a while.
Anyway, my husband moved to the west coast with a friend.
He asked me to go, but I didn't have the money yet. I stayed
behind, and spent most of my time with my MIL, instead of my friends.
When the time came, she ended up paying for me to go. Before
I left, my MIL gave me a ring that has been in her family for a
while. She said it was for caring for her son so much.
There is something that you should know about her before I go on
- she is very protective of her kids, too protective at times (not
to mention, my husband is her favorite child). Also, she and
my FIL got a divorce when my husband was young. She told me
horrible stories about him, how bad of a dad he was, and also how
bad of husband he was. I believed her. Well, my FDH
proposed to me a year after I moved. MIL couldn't make it
to the wedding. She kept making comments like, "I can't
believe YOU'RE marrying my son!" I was confused because
I thought that she would be happy. Shortly after he proposed,
I got pregnant. We decided that we should be married before
the baby was born, so we moved the date forward. We go married
in the summer, and like I said, she didn't come. She wanted
to come down for the birth. Before I could even ask my own
mom to come to the birth, MIL invited herself. I still liked
her then, so I agreed to it. While I was pregnant, like every
other woman, I was a bit crabby with my husband. Meanwhile,
my MIL took it upon herself to go meet my mom, for the first time,
at my mom's workplace. The whole time she was there, she had
nothing but bad things to say to my own mother. She talked
about how I was so mean to my husband, and that he probably won't
be able to take it much longer! Right then, my mom knew that
she wasn't a nice person at all. My mom doesn't judge, but
that was her proof. Well, it was time to give birth, and my
MIL decided that she wanted to come down for three weeks!
You have to remember that I was just about to pop, so I wasn't the
most patient person in the world! Oh yeah, she was bringing
my husband's little three year old sister with her. Oh, and
her DD is a very hyper little child, with no discipline in her life!
I thought that I did very well too. After I gave birth and
brought MY child home, all she wanted to do was take her away from
me, and hold her all the time. That was okay, but my baby
was new and I felt like I needed some bonding time with her.
Am I wrong? When we went back for the holidays, she was nothing
but rude to me, and she didn't include me in anything. Finally,
when she made a rude comment directed towards me, I flipped out
and went back into the bedroom for the night. My husband wanted
us to make up, and told my MIL to come to apologize to me.
She came in, mumbled some rude comments, stomped out, and slammed
the door. I told my husband that neither my daughter nor I
were going to stay there for the rest of the trip. I guess
that the whole time I was gone, she made smart-@ss comments about
me to my husband, saying that I had him on a leash. When we
went back home, I emailed her and apologized for being such a baby
at Christmas, and she emailed me one nasty message after another.
When it all comes down to it, I don't want my kids around her.
She is a horrible lady, and has done horrible things to me.
I don't want my kids around such a person. Can I do that?
Signed - MIL from HE!!
RESPONSE: MIL from HE!!
Of course you can! My MIL was the same. Sweet as an
angel until our wedding day, then all he!! broke loose. You
can control how much time she sees the kids, when and where - and
make sure you are present. Tell her what she can and cannot
say, and what she can and cannot do in front of the kids.
And, if she doesn't follow the rules - no more visits. Nothing
is more confusing or hurtful to small children than when they see
people they love being nasty to each other. You don't want
your children to learn that behavior like that is acceptable.
RESPONSE: MIL from HE!!
YES YOU CAN !!!! I THINK YOU SHOULD!!!. What a horrible,
mean MIL. Why are our MILs like this??? You know, my
MIL loved me too, until we were married. And, she also went
around talking sh!t about me all the time! It sounds like
you were good enough to be one of her pet projects (so she could
look "good" to others), and say, "Hey, I helped this
girl out when her own parents did not!" Again, this is
very similar to my own MIL! BUT, they are both very mean,
nasty people deep down, where it really counts! You have every
right to protect your child from a person who is a bad influence
on your kid!!!! RUN FAR AWAY FROM THIS PSYCHO, AND MORE POWER
TO YOU!!!
Mother's Day brought
much new to my situation. You guys are going to LOVE THIS!
As some of you may recall, I posted my story on MAY 10. I
am getting married in 5 months (now 4), and am not speaking to my
ILs. Remember that my MIL told me that calling anyone other
than YOUR OWN Mother "MOM" is disrespectful to your own
mom? It is her way of making sure DS doesn't find anyone to
replace big mommy! Well, since she said that she's not my
mother, I decided there was NO reason I would call, send a card,
flowers or even stop there on Mother's Day. Remember, after
all, "SHE'S NOT MY MOTHER". Sure enough, DS went
to visit mommy, and I didn't go. I told FDH that if his parents
push as to WHY I didn't come to visit, make sure you tell them why!
So, as I predicted, he went, they pushed, poked, and prodded, and
of course, he told them that I said, " I have NO reason to
go there since they don't even want me calling them MOM and Dad."
They exploded! FMIL had the nerve to try to COVER up and say,
"Well, MAYBE it could have grown into that." Oh,
really? DS said, "You already told her not to call you
mom and dad! How could it grow into that?" Look
at FMIL trying to cover up and play sweet! Come on!
If that witch didn't want me calling her mom after knowing me for
2 years, then she never would want that! And she made that
perfectly clear! SO, of course they went on and on about how
I should have come in order to show respect, and what was going
to happen if we have children? Are they never going to get
to see our children? DS said, "If you keep it up, you
WILL never see our children!" Finally, he went back at
them and opened up his mouth! FMIL exploded and kicked him
out of the house! They made him leave! Now, I was here
at home, clueless as to what was going on over there. My phone
rang and caller ID showed that it was the IL's house. I picked
up, thinking that it was FH. Sure enough, it was FFIL calling
to tell me that they kicked DS out! FFIL told me that I took
it all wrong (as they always say when I get upset about something
horrible and nasty that they say to me) about calling them mom and
dad. He asked, "What do you see us as?" I
said, "Nothing special. Just ILs. Not as parental
figures, after all, you AREN'T my parents, as it was made clear
by YOU!" TO make a long story short, FMIL couldn't talk,
of course! She can NEVER talk to me because she knows that
when I get my hands on her and confront her on all she has said
and done, she won't have any good answer or explanation as to why
she said what she said (other than jealousy, resentment and control
over my relationship with DS). I told FFIL, "Look, I
don't want things this way, but since you refuse to give DS space
and stop pressuring him, things have to be this way. DS is
telling you that you are guilting him with his brother's death,
and you need to stop putting on US the fact that you are sad and
lonely! It's not our problem. We are busy with our busy
lives! What do you want from DS? We have tried to talk
things out with you, but you both refuse to see what you are doing
wrong, and how your actions and demands are pushing us away!
DS can't be there every minute, calling you every day. That
is what you want, and it's just not normal or healthy for us!
Don't demand and expect things, and I assure you, the less you demand,
the more you will get! Don't expect anything from DS!
Let him choose what he does!" FFIL said to me, "You
know what? Did you ever think that DS is mad at you because
YOU didn't come with him today?" I said "NO, he
isn't. He agreed that I shouldn't come!" FFIL said,
"How often do you see YOUR parents?" I said "Not
often, and even when I lived home, I probably didn't see my parents
more than one hour a week. I work FT, go to school, have friends
and a life." FFIL said, "Well, maybe your parents
want to see you more often, but they don't say it!" I
said, "You don't know anything about my parents! They
don't put ANY demands on me because they have a life, and they respect
my freedom. AND, THEY DON'T SIT HOME TWIDDLING THEIR THUMBS,
AND WAITING FOR ME TO COME SEE THEM!" FFIL said, "I
don't do that!" I said, "PULEEZE!" FFIL
was demanding this and that from DS, and FFIL was so crazy that
he said, "HOW DO I KNOW MY SON LOVES ME? HOW I AM SUPPOSED
TO FEEL WHEN HE SAYS HE IS BUSY?" I said, "WHY do
you need all this reassurance? It's not normal!"
Isn't that a crazy statement for a 65 year old man to make about
his 31 year old son? They are sick, obsessed, and crazy.
They are too dependent on DS for a life! I will never give
them what they want, which is why I refused to go on MOTHER'S day,
of all days! I wanted to rock the boat and show them that
they have NO power over ME and my actions! I have to be the
one to put them in their place and show them that they can't guilt
us or guilt DS, or use death as guilt and control! They have
tried this. And whether they lost a son or not, we have to
be able to live our own free life! FFMIL said, "You know,
YOU have DS SOOOO confused. He doesn't know whether he is
coming or going!" I said, "No, excuse me, you have
DS so guilted and confused for wanting his OWN life! You people
don't want him to have his own opinions and life." Then,
FFIL said to me, "You know, YOU are the one who is putting
all THIS on him, all this pressure! DID YOU EVER THINK IT
WAS YOU?" So, after that - CLICK! I hung up the
phone. No arguments. They want to blame me because they
can't handle the idea that DS has a life other than them - oh well!
I obviously am not going to change their minds! They are crazy,
dysfunctional, and I refuse to give in! FFIL called back,
and I refused to pick up. FFIL called back 8 times that day
to talk to DS, and he refuses to answer the calls. Today,
FMIL left a message (on DH's work voicemail) apologizing for throwing
him out. But, DS wouldn't pick up the phone. At this
point, I don't even want them at the wedding! I hate them,
and I think they will never change. What do I do? Do
you guys think there is ANY way of getting through to them?
I think not. So, I have to save myself and keep ties with
them to a minimum, as I have already. Yet, they want much
more than a limited relationship with us! I can't handle more
than minimal contact with them! It does nothing but make me
sick to my stomach. And, how can I ever get over the fact
that they are so sneaky and are blaming me - hoping DS will think
I am the BAD one who is corrupting him, and then leave me?
DS knows I am right, so I am not worried about them actually convincing
him. BUT, HOW DARE THEY BLAME ME FOR THEIR SICK LITTLE LIFESTYLE
THAT HAS CHANGED DUE TO THEIR SON ACTUALLY HAVING A NORMAL LIFE
AND RELATIONSHIP NOW! They just want to blame me for taking
their little baby away, and I refuse to take their abuse!
I wasn't going to entertain FFIL's blaming me for being the problem!
BAM! I hung up! I haven't seen them since their other
son's funeral, 6 months ago. Please advise me on my upcoming
wedding! Where do we go from here? How long now until
I see them, OR DO I EVER SEE THEM, OTHER THAN THE WEDDING?
How long until DS sees/talks to them after this? It kills
me that DS ever has to speak to them, yet I know he won't cut ties
forever! They're blaming me for not giving in to their own
sick wishes for us being their best friends, and them being overly
involved in our lives! It's not my problem! It's theirs.
Yet it is my problem thanks to them!
Signed - Under Pressure
- Going to Explode!
RESPONSE: Under Pressure - Going to Explode!
I may not be totally understanding things here, so please forgive
me if what I say is way out in left field. You mentioned that
the funeral was 6 months ago. That is not very long ago.
Do you think this craziness and clutching might be caused by grief?
If it is, and if they were OK before, I would give them some time.
Continue to stand up to them, encourage them to get some grief counseling,
and do not worry about cutting them out of your lives until you
are sure this is not the grief talking. I cannot imagine losing
my grown child (I don't have one yet), but I can imagine it would
make you a bit nuts, and maybe make you grasp at the remaining child
in an unhealthy way for a while. My grandfather once told
me that the worst thing in life is to lose a child. He lost
a daughter, who was married and had children, but he never got over
it. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Under Pressure - Going to Explode!
I agree that there is no reason for you to love, or even like, your
ILs. I also agree that you should not have to put up with
anyone's abuse. I do think that because they are your FDH's
parents, you should respect them. Regardless of how he feels,
you should stay out of his family business until you are actually
in the family.
RESPONSE: Under Pressure - Going to Explode!
So, your in-laws didn't want you calling them mom and dad.
SO WHAT? What is the big deal? Why have you read so
much into that, and used it as an excuse to start WWIII? Your
in-laws have experienced something more devastating than you can
possibly imagine, and you seem to showing them zero sympathy, or
common human decency, for that matter. They are in MOURNING
for their lost son, and they may be leaning on their other son for
support - there's nothing wrong with that! Yes, it could get
to an unhealthy degree, but your fiancé can set appropriate
boundaries, without having to cut them out of his life (as you seem
to so desperately want)! I cannot believe that you said to
these grieving parents, that their son's death was "not your
problem". Why can't you be more supportive and kind?
YOU are the one with the problem here, and I feel sorry for your
fiancé, because you seem to be pressuring him every bit as
much, IF NOT MORE, than his parents! I hope you grow up and
stop trying to find petty excuses to try to hurt these people, who
have certainly suffered enough. I'm not suggesting that they
have acted totally appropriately - maybe they haven't - but NOTHING
you have communicated is any excuse for your reprehensible behavior!
Make amends with these people, and let them share the joy of their
son's wedding.
RESPONSE: Under Pressure - Going to Explode!
Congratulations! You have handled a couple of 60-somethings
going on 16 very well! I admire your intelligent and firm
way of dealing with them. As for the questions at the end
of your story, only you and DH can answer those. I depend
on my gut instincts for a lot of guidance. It sounds like
you're both smart and devoted to each other. You'll do well.
RESPONSE: Under Pressure - Going to Explode!
I think you are doing a wonderful job setting a precedent for IL
relations. I don't recall your earlier submission, but from
the way they are behaving, it sounds like your DH might be an only
child. They should definitely get a life, and develop some
interests other than interfering in their "baby's" marriage.
I say, stick to your guns and don't let them push you around when
you KNOW you are right!
RESPONSE: Under Pressure - Going to Explode!
I understand your plight, although mine is a little different from
yours. I didn't go to my MIL's place on Mother's Day either.
We had already been out most of the day, as my sister and I took
our mother out for lunch. My DH and our little boy came along,
as they were celebrating Mother's Day with me. And, it was
nice to have our little family together. On our way home,
DH said (bless him) that I didn't have to go to his mother's if
I didn't want to. I jumped at the chance to avoid her.
I convinced DH to take our son to visit, as I knew MIL would want
to see him. When DH returned, he said that his mother liked
the present (I bought) and the card (I made). Days passed.
Then my mother phoned and asked why I didn't go to MIL's on Mother's
Day. (My mother and MIL are best friends). I told her
that I didn't see why I had to go, as she's not my mother - I thought
that was quite clear. My mother proceeded to tell me that
my MIL is very upset that I didn't go around, etc., etc. Well,
as you can imagine, I told my mother, in no uncertain terms, that
I just didn't care! Ask yourself one thing: Would your
parents carry on if your FDH didn't visit on Mother's Day?
I know that my mother doesn't expect my DH to see her. In
fact, he very rarely even sees her on her birthday. As far
as not visiting her on Mother's Day - who cares? If she doesn't
want to be called "mom", then why should you visit her
on the day to celebrate and thank moms? It's weird.
The needing I also understand, but I'm the one who gets that - from
my mother - and it's almost unbearable. The more she whines
about not seeing me and her grandson, the less I want to see her.
She has no other immediate family in this country, apart from me,
and my brother and sister. She needs constant reassurance
and proof of our love for her. It seems as though she's always
testing our devotion, and does things like waiting for us to call
her, which I think is so childish. If you want to call someone
you love, you should just do it. You don't wait for them to
call you in order to check if they still care. Throughout
my teenage years, she was jealous of any friendship I had with anyone
around her age group. My best friend's mother, my boyfriends'
mothers, my neighbor - anyone who I was close to was a threat in
her eyes. I feel for your FDH, as I know how difficult it
is. I can never relax and do anything without thinking first,
"I'd better let mum know that I'm doing this", or, "I'd
better visit mum because I haven't seen her this week yet."
It's obligation, not desire to see her. Don't get me wrong,
I love her. But I don't feel free to live my life the way
I want to. I don't know what to say about your wedding.
If they're not there, it will probably be pretty awful for your
FDH. But, then again, it's not about parents. It's about
the two of you making promises to each other, and I don't remember
anything in the vows about loving your partner's parents.
I wish you luck. I think you're going to need it.
RESPONSE: Under Pressure - Going to Explode!
Gosh! I don't know how to say what I want to say. So
here goes: They seem to be just a tad possessive of their
son, wouldn't you say? Were they like this before their other
son died? Was his death unexpected? Were they on good
terms with him when he died? Maybe they're terrified of losing
the only child they have left. I guess what I think you need
to understand is that he is their child, and they are his parents.
I don't think it would be very kind to cut them out of your life.
You and your future husband will be the only family they have, the
only hope they have of grandchildren, the only means to any kind
of traditional holidays. They don't appear to have very good
interpersonal relationship skills. As Dr. Phil would say (I
just love that man!), they're so afraid of losing their son, that
they're doing everything they can to push him away! Go onto
his web site and see if there's any good advice from him on your
situation (www.philmcgraw.com).
As for the wedding, it will only happen once, and what's done, or
not done, can never be changed. It's always best to err on
the side of mercy. I'm saying that they should be invited,
and made to feel welcome. Even if it's just for that one day.
Believe me, their being there won't make a difference to you.
I was like a whirling dervish at my wedding - so many people to
see, and things to do. The Grim Reaper could have been sitting
on the counter top, and I'd have just waved at him in passing!
If your relationship with them ever stabilizes and approaches something
resembling normalcy, you will wish that they were there - especially
for your children's sake. So - there's my two cents worth!
Just send me back the change!!
RESPONSE: Under Pressure - Going to Explode!
I have been posting and reading postings here for months.
I've NEVER read a posting with so much anger as yours. Calm
down. Take a deep breath. You are going to make yourself
gray over small stuff. For God's sake, you aren't even married
yet. These people don't control you one iota!!!! You
don't need to jam down their throats the idea that they aren't going
to control you. They got the picture. You are letting
them make you act like a lunatic!!!!!!! A LUNATIC!!!!!!!!
He!!, unfortunately they ARE your FDH's parents. They ARE
dysfunctional. AND, YOU are very explosive. If you don't
want to talk to them, then don't. You have a very volatile
combination in your life, with crazy future in-laws and your EXPLOSIVE
zero to 60 over NOTHING temper. Future MIL said she didn't
want you calling her "mom". BIG DEAL! IF you
don't like her, or you don't care, WHY DID YOU WANT TO CALL HER
MOM IN THE FIRST PLACE???? NO BIG DEAL!!!!!!! Cut off
the contact from your end with future FMIL right now, and don't
worry about it. Chill out. Don't get addicted to the
adrenaline rush of telling them off. It sounds like you LOVE
to tell them off. Don't give a sh!t about what is going to
happen at your wedding, or afterward, with regard to them.
You sound very angry, and when you speak or act in anger, things
only get worse. Chill out, and live your life. I think
your future MIL gets the picture that you have a temper, and they
should leave you alone. Good luck. I hope things work
out between you and your future husband. Sheesh.
RESPONSE: Under Pressure - Going to Explode!
Woah Nelly! Please hear me out, and don't get defensive.
I have known my husband's family since we were both 15 years old.
We were high school sweethearts, and dated for 7 years before getting
married last year. I came out and asked my MIL, before the
wedding, what she'd feel comfortable being called by me. She
said, "You have your own mother; you shouldn't call me mom."
This was strange to me, because my brother's wife calls our mother,
mom. But, she asked that I call her and my FIL by their first
names. And, guess what? That's fine. I had sort
of hoped to call her mom, because we get along really well, even
though she's weird about some things. But, it's not a big
deal to me. She's *not* my mother. She's my MIL.
And, if she wanted me to call her Mrs. X (like I did for the 6 years
before DH and I were engaged), I would do it. It's not worth
it to fight about this. There are so many other things to
be worried about. IMHO, I think you are out of line, and your
FH is being overindulgent by letting you behave this way.
She may not be your mother, but perhaps she is trying too hard to
make you feel comfortable, and is afraid to act like she's trying
to replace your own mother. Maybe she's just cold and distant.
Maybe she's just not comfortable being called "mom" by
you for some intangible reason. I don't know. But, whatever
it is, it is *not* a personal affront. I think that as your
MIL, she should be entitled to a certain level of respect.
And if that means paying a visit on Mother's Day, so be it.
I made a great deal of effort this year (and last year, and the
5 years before) to see both sets of parents on Mother's day, because
it's a small price to pay to make them both happy. And, furthermore,
your MIL is the woman who raised your FDH. You owe her a debt
of gratitude for bringing the man you love into this world.
However freaky she is now - she did raise him. And, he is
what he is because of her and your FIL. Please think about
your behavior, and its impact on your marriage, because even if
you FDH indulges you now, it will put a strain on your marriage
later. I have seen it happen to my parents, and am determined
that it won't happen to me. *** I just read your previous
story, and I have to say everything I said earlier seems right on
target, but I want to add, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get counseling!
DO NOT marry into this family without some serious help. Your
FDH has apparently done a 180 regarding his behavior to his parents.
And, he is now absorbing the heat, instead of you. This will
probably kill him. If you love him, don't make him suffer
for you that way - you're using him as a human shield. I have
been in his position too, it's agony. Please listen to me
and the half-dozen other women who asked you to please get counseling.
And postpone or cancel the wedding if you have to - just get help.
I don't know you, but I am concerned about you!
RESPONSE: Under Pressure - Going to Explode!
Talk to your FH about how much he wants them involved at this point.
You two need to present a united front as you embark on your new
life together. And, if the dismissal to the ILs comes from
you, they obviously won't take you seriously. And, if you
tell them off and uninvite them to your wedding without discussing
it with your FH, he probably won't be any too happy about it.
Remember though, that your wedding is YOUR WEDDING, and it should
be happy for you and your husband. If the ILs are threatening
to dampen the whole happy scene already, minimize their presence.
RESPONSE: Under Pressure - Going to Explode!
I was furious when I read your story! Did you ever stop to
think that your ILs are still hurting over the death of their son??
And, you're worrying about whether or not they will allow you to
refer to them as "mom" and "dad"? How
selfish and petty!! I hope that if you are ever blessed with
children, you don't lose them. And, you have the nerve to
say that you are not letting them get control over you, etc.
Get a grip! Try walking in someone else's shoes, and stop
thinking that this is all about YOU!
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