My MIL sent me a Mother's
Day Card - how sweet! It had my name spelled wrong on the
envelope, and the card itself addressed to my husband. Huh?
Signed - Huh?
RESPONSE: Huh?
Yes, my MIL suddenly forgot how to spell my name a couple years
into the marriage. And all personal cards to me (like Mother's
Day) were addressed to "Mr. and Mrs." LOL!
RESPONSE: Huh?
I am so sorry, but I had to laugh at your post. There must
be something in the air with MILs. For my birthday (today),
I received a card in yesterday's mail with a check for $100 from
MIL. It was made out to me, using my maiden name. I
sent it back with a Thank You note, and told her that I did not
feel (in light of recent events) that I could accept it. I
don't know if your MIL spelled your name wrong on purpose.
I try to always give the benefit of the doubt. But if it was
intentional, it is just an example of the immaturity that we are
dealing with.
Well, my DH and I started
out as best friends, and that just blew MIL away. She had
a fit. So, for my DH's birthday, she decided to invite another
girl to the birthday party at the same time that she was sure that
I would be there. My DH's family was so mad. But, when
I was leaving, she ran and told me that I'm welcome anytime at her
home.
Signed - Welcome Anytime
At Her Home
Ok, here goes.
No history right now, just the latest. Sunday Evening:
My husband went out of town with his father to tend to family business.
They planned on being gone a week. My MIL had just endured
a painful knee adjustment, only 3 weeks after double knee replacement
surgery. Not that this has significantly added to her b!tchiness,
because nothing can top it anyway. I casually mentioned that
I might stop by with the kid I baby-sit the next day, and she said,
"That sounds great." Got that? Monday morning:
I called the MIL. I asked, is it still OK to bring the kid
over and visit awhile? I even have some food for you.
She said, "Other than my Dr.'s appointment at 2 o'clock, sure.
Monday, high noon: I called the MIL. I said, I'm headed
your way! She said, "What??" I said, "I'm
coming over now, if it's still OK Is it OK?" She
said, "Yeah, come on over." I said, "Are you're
sure?" She said, "Yep, I'm sure." So
the kid (who's an angel, BTW) and I went over. We visited
till 12:45, and left. She said nothing unkind or rude at this
point, only that she needed us to leave by 1:00, which I did.
Tuesday, I brought her some clothes that I picked up at a discount
department store's closing sale. It was 90% off, and really
ugly. She loved it. Tuesday evening: My hubby
called. During the conversation, he mentioned that the MIL
called her hubby and b!tched that I came over Monday and totally
ruined the plans she had to shopping, go by the bank, etc., before
going to the doctor. I didn't even know, and I had called
her twice, and asked her several times. Ooooooh, the b!tch.
Why do I even bother to be nice to people who are in pain?
Signed - Orchid
RESPONSE: Orchid
Don't ever be nice to her again! My MIL could be in an entire
body cast, and I still wouldn't give a hoot.
RESPONSE: Orchid
Seriously, what a moron! I'd quit going out of your way for
her. Obviously, your MIL doesn't appreciate you. Of
course, if you do quit making an effort, she'll probably b!tch about
that too! You are damned either way. But, oh well.
At least you won't be putting up with her cr@p anymore!
I recently had my first
baby. She was born 6 weeks premature, due to pre-eclampsia.
I went to the doctor for a routine checkup, was admitted to the
hospital that day, and had an emergency c-section 2 days later.
Needless to say, everything happened so fast, and the whole situation
was incredibly stressful!! Mind you, I have always intensely
disliked my MIL. Secretly, I didn't even want to call her
and let her know what was going on, but I try to be nice for my
DH's sake. So, the night of my daughter's birth, she was out
in the waiting room with my mother, father, family, etc. She
has, in the past year, undergone eye surgery for a detached retina/cataract
problems. However, she is more than fine now. She sat
in the waiting room, announcing to any member of my family who would
listen, "I've GOT to go put in my eye drops. I really
need my eye drops. The doctor says I have to have my eye drops
every 8 hours!" Blah, Blah, Blah. All the while,
she did not actually GO to put them in, she merely announced it
so that some family member of mine would ask, "What's wrong
with your eyes?," and she can blab, blab, blab about herself.
My mother was so mad. There she sat, with a DIL having an
emergency C-section, and a granddaughter being born 6 weeks early.
No one knew how either one of us was doing, and all that woman wanted
to talk about was herself. Can you say narcissistic?
Signed - Can You Say
Narcissistic?
RESPONSE: Can You Say Narcissistic?
OH! It gives me the shivers! Yuck!
RESPONSE: Can You Say Narcissistic?
First off, I hope you and your child are doing well. Second,
your MIL sounds just like my FIL. Everything always has to
be about them! It doesn't matter if you're sick, or dealing
with a tragedy (or some other issue), they seem to keep focusing
on themselves. My FIL got laid off from his job. Granted,
that is not a pleasant thing to go through, but he had plenty of
notice and a nice severance package. FIL got another job less
than two months later (along with his package), but all he kept
talking about was losing that job. One of my relatives was
very ill, and FIL was still going on about losing that other job!
DH had to finally remind him that he never had to go on unemployment
because he found another job, and that he received the severance
package on top of that. He told him to just drop it already!!
Then, FIL wonders why nobody wants to be around him!
I don't even know where
to begin. First off, my boyfriend and I had been living together
for a year when I was laid off from my job. We could no longer
afford our house, and my FMIL was more then happy for us to move
in with her. Everything started out fine, until she started
showing her true colors. When I would cook dinner for everyone,
she would make comments about how what I was making was going to
kill her son, and that it's no wonder everyone in the house is gaining
so much weight (she's a big girl herself). The woman has no
life outside of her son, and will do anything to break us up.
I have been looking for work so that we can get back on our feet
and move out. She erases phone messages from possible employers,
throws away my job leads, and tells me about great local jobs because
she knows that I do not want to live in this area because I don't
feel safe in this neighborhood. She thinks it's because I
think I am better then her, and the people who live here.
My BF has told me what areas I am not allowed to go into, because
he grew up here, and knows how dangerous it can be. She doesn't
want me to be with her son because we are not the same race, and
she feels that I don't understand what it is like to be their race.
HELLO - she is my race, and my BF is one half my race. His
dad rarely comes around because he is a heroin addict, and an abusive
alcoholic. Therefore, my BF has been raised by his mother.
She is jealous of the relationship I have with my mother, and tries
to keep us from going to visit her. She hasn't talked to either
of us for 4 days because we went to dinner at my mom's house for
Mother's Day. She didn't tell us that was the reason, but
we heard it through the grapevine. I love my BF, and that
is the only reason I put up with his insane family. I just
think it's sad that I am thinking about not having a wedding for
the simple fact that I would have to invite these people.
I have also debated bringing a child into this world who will have
to deal with these crazy people. If we do decide to have a
child, FMIL has informed me that I can not have an epidural because
I will be harming her grandchild. Yeah, we'll see about that!
Signed - DIE EVIL WOMAN,
DIE!
RESPONSE: DIE EVIL WOMAN, DIE!
Get out as fast as you can! It's hard to keep your MIL from
controlling you if you live in her house. Seriously, see if
you can find a really cheap apartment that you can live in just
for the time being - until you get back on your feet. From
what it sounds like, anything is better than your current situation.
Do whatever you can to get out! In the meantime, don't allow
her to treat you poorly. You have a right to put your foot
down. And if/when you decide to have a child, you can limit
the IL's involvement with it. If they can't treat you decently,
then who says they'll treat your child decently? And, as for
her telling you that you can't get an epidural because it will "hurt
her grandchild?", give me a break!
I have not posted here
for about eight months, because I thought I had found a solution
to my problem. To make a long story short, I put my foot down,
and went all the way to use the D word. And, I insisted that
she leave, and stay with her other daughter for at least 6 months.
I took a lot of heat for this, but like you all said, it is up to
me to set up boundaries on MIL visits. I insisted on that,
because it had been 10 months per year with us for two years in
a row. The next visit would be only 4 months (that would have
ended the 1st of May). A year ago, she applied for senior
housing in several cities near us. I was never sure this would
make things better, but I was willing to give it a try. So,
for the last three months, I have helped her furnish and decorate
the new apartment. I let her keep one of our cars, (even though
we are still making payments). I also gave her a computer,
and hooked her up to the internet. I installed dimmers, varnished
a cabinet, replaced dining , bath, and bedroom light fixtures, gave
her a microwave oven, an extra TV set so she now has one in her
bedroom and one in the kitchen, ran phone and cable TV lines so
she could place them in "other" positions, dealt with
her landlord, and made sure she could afford the move. Of
course, I also became the moving truck. Here is my continuing
problem. DW wakes up at 8:30, and stays in the bathroom taking
care of her skin until 11am. I get up at 6:30, and make my
own breakfast. I work at home as a computer programmer.
At 11, DW stops by for a quick hello, and leaves the house to visit
her mother. She takes her shopping, goes to the gym, has lunch
with her, and visits some of her girlfriends. She arrives
home between 7 and 8pm. We have dinner, maybe watch a 1 hour
show, and DW goes back to the bathroom and doesn't come out until
after I have fallen asleep. So, the way I see it, we only
get an hour of time together per day. On the weekends, we
trade off spending time with her mother for a few hours together
(on a 5 to 1 ratio - 5 for her, 1 for me). I am a 43 year
old, 6 foot 4, 200 pound green eyed nice guy. I don't ever
brings friends to the house, I never watch games on TV, I don't
drink, I don't smoke, and I have never been unfaithful. I
make a decent living. I am self employed, and have been able
to get her 20K in dental work and 12K of cosmetic work in the last
year and a half. For Mother's Day, we took her mom and 2 friends,
her sister out on the boat (and one of the friends, who is 80 years
old, could not stop grabbing me). DW promised she would not
let her, but when she asked if she could sit next to me, she said
it was OK, because we were almost there. It was all OK.
Even with the expense, the aggravation, and the comments, I could
take it all, knowing it was almost over. Monday morning came,
I was awakened at 5:30am. I was told to go and take the sister
to the airport alone, because DW could not get ready in time.
But, of course DW told her mother she was sick. So, after
the airport trip, mama was coming home to prepare lunch for her
daughter. That was the drop that over spilled the bucket.
I was not happy, and I let DW know it with a sad voice. She
could have apologized. She could have realized that this was
not helping, but she preferred to start a fight and insist that
I was being unfair. The fight continued (with a two hour break
when she went to deposit a check in her account, and cry at the
house of the 80 year old friend - the touchy one). After we
brought up the D word again, and I told her I was fed up and not
willing to continue this circle of loneliness, she turned into Little
Orphan Annie and began the sorry campaign of trying to win me back.
She apologized for all, and blamed herself in excess. The
only problem is that we have been here before, and I really don't
know what to do to stop the circle. So far, I told her that
she should have a meeting and maybe talk to the "in crowd"
or "golden girls" about the fact that she wants to spend
her life with me (if that is what she wants). Or, she should
make her mind up, and let me go so she can join the widows-divorcee
party permanently. What do you guys think?
Signed - A Good Man With
A Time Problem
RESPONSE: A Good Man With A Time Problem
Two and a half hours every morning to take care of her skin?!!!
Unless your wife has a serious medical condition, I find that very
strange. Why does she not spend that time with you?
RESPONSE: A Good Man With A Time Problem
What the he!! is your DW doing in the bathroom for so long?
That in and of itself sounds like a problem - she would rather primp
than spend time with you?
RESPONSE: A Good Man With A Time Problem
I feel so badly for you. I'm sorry to say that it sounds to
me likes she's with you for your money, and what you can do for
her. You sound like a wonderful man. If I were you,
I'd get rid of her. Tell her to go live with mama.
RESPONSE: A Good Man With A Time Problem
I think that you are a saint to put up with your DW's behavior.
However, I think it's time to stop being a doormat. I'm glad
that you confronted her. I think you should take it to the
next level, and insist that you both see a marriage counselor.
I don't understand why your wife would prefer to hang around with
a bunch of old ladies (no offense meant to the elderly), when she
could be spending time with her husband. She sounds very selfish
and vain to me (2 1/2 hours getting ready every morning?).
You have listed all you have done for your DW, but what are you
getting out of this arrangement? It sounds like she uses you
for money and heavy lifting. Why doesn't your wife have a
job? It seems like she sees you as her sugar daddy, rather
than an equal partner. Unless your wife is willing to see
a counselor with you, and make some serious changes, I think you
should cut your losses and move on. There are plenty of women
out there who would give their right arms to find a guy like you.
You deserve so much better! Good luck!
RESPONSE: A Good Man With A Time Problem
You have apparently married a very high-maintenance woman.
The more time she spends on her looks, the less she will spend on
developing her personality. My guess is that you married her
because she looks good, instead of for her conversational ability.
As I tell my male friends who have encountered similar situations,
you get what you pay for - and you will keep paying and paying with
this one. Is it worth it? That's up to you, but it wouldn't
be worth it to me.
RESPONSE: A Good Man With A Time Problem
I hate to say it, but it sounds like she's left you already.
If it were me, I'd make it official, and move out. Then, she'd
have to live with her DM, and she'd be happy. And, you wouldn't
have to deal with the aggravation anymore. I doubt you'd be
lonely for long!
RESPONSE: A Good Man With A Time Problem
Let me just ask you this: Is this how you picture spending
the rest of your life? DW sounds very vain. Dental work,
okay. Lots of people need dental work. Cosmetic work,
probably not 12K worth. Hours in the bathroom every morning
and evening? Give me a break. Believe me when I say
that you cannot change her. All you can do is accept all of
this, or change the way YOU react to it. I think I'd react
to it by RUNNING to the nearest courthouse to file for divorce.
Don't you think you deserve a wife who is willing to participate
in a MARRIAGE!?
RESPONSE: A Good Man With A Time Problem
ERR. I hope you won't think I'm rude for letting you know
what I think in your face. But hey, you asked for my opinion.
The situation, as I understand it, is as follows: 1.
You are a good provider. In fact, you are so good at it, that
your DW doesn't have to work. 2. You are a good man.
It shows (it actually shone ( from one man to the next - those things
show, you know)). You are so nice that you actually finance
, take care of, and SPOIL your MIL - BIG TIME MAN!! BIG TIME!!!
3. Your wife, come on dude! Any love? Kisses??
Err, SEX??? From what you write, it's nonexistent. She
AVOIDs you totally. What do you need to do? Go to a
superb marriage consultant, not a good one - an excellent one.
Your marriage is in a very bad situation. And??? Excuse
me, from 8.30 to 11 she takes care of her skin?? Err!!
Eghoooo!!!
RESPONSE: A Good Man With A Time Problem
I know A LOT of single woman who would love to have you as a husband.
I think it is time for you to take a vacation BY YOURSELF - to clear
your mind. Then, go get your groove back. Your wife
will only appreciate you if you leave the house for some time.
It is obvious that you have a big heart. You deserve a loving
woman in your life. LIFE IS TOO SHORT. God bless, and
good luck.
RESPONSE: A Good Man With A Time Problem
You have another problem on your hands besides your MIL, and that's
your wife! She seems selfish and lazy. She spends all
that time in the bathroom? What on earth is she doing in there?
I take care of my skin, too, but it doesn't take me that long!
I would give the DW word if I were you, and find a wife who thinks
of someone other than herself.
RESPONSE: A Good Man With A Time Problem
I'm sorry to say, but your wife is a gold digger. If you ditch
her, you also ditch all of your headaches. I know women like
your wife, so trust me, get out while you still have your sanity
and money!!! Get out and find a woman who will appreciate
you. You sound like a really nice guy. You are totally
being taken advantage of (time, money, effort, etc.). She
is using her mom as a buffer, so that she does not have to spend
time with you. Sorry to say, you'd be better off without her.
Unless, of course, you'd rather put up with the headaches, only
so you can have a trophy wife.
RESPONSE: A Good Man With A Time Problem
I think you have been very patient, and now it is time to make some
changes. She will treat you as badly as you let her.
Don't keep your mouth shut and put up with such cr@p. Two
people have to be happy in a relationship, and two people have to
work at it. When only one takes and one gives, it does not
work. Maybe you should try marriage counseling if you are
serious about saving your marriage. If not, move on.
RESPONSE: A Good Man With A Time Problem
Are you sure that she is spending all that time with her mom?
It sounds like you are the cash cow to me.
RESPONSE: A Good Man With A Time Problem
It sounds like your wife needs to reexamine her priorities!
Marriage is about creating a new family, and YOU should be #1.
Obviously, you're not a priority. You deserve better.
If she can't make time for you, let her go and find somebody who
will.
RESPONSE: A Good Man With A Time Problem
I am thinking, "Where in the world were you when I fell into
my trap?" My husband is 31, and going through a mid life
crisis. I am 7 months along with our 3rd son, and this person
is more worried about trading in his car for a more family appropriate
car. He has a mustang convertible. And, what's even
worse is that his own mother mentioned to me, "Why don't you
go get another seatbelt installed in that car?" First
off, there are about 2 inches left in the back seat to put this
extra seatbelt into. I am kind of rude, so I just blurted
out, "I'm not going with y'all to the dealership to bring up
the extra seatbelt deal. Those guys are going to laugh you
out of the garage," just to keep him happy. It gets worse.
My husband is in the military, and I mention to him that he should
become an officer in order to make more money. I work, and
I also am a computer person. I wish that I could work for
myself. But, with 3 kids, I have to make a steady income.
He turned me down on the officer deal, so I called his father (you
know, to push a few buttons - and to maybe jar his head from the
clouds they are floating in). And, his dad said that I just
wanted FREE DAY-CARE. Like, I sit around all day doing nothing,
and I am going to get extra money because my husband will be able
to do the officer thing. The class I want him to take would
allow him to stay at home for 1 year, and finish his degree.
This would mean that he could keep our newborn home for his first
year. I totally see this as a privilege. It is not something
bad or negative. I wish I could stay at home and shuttle my
boys to soccer, etc. But, I work full time, and make GOOD
money. And, I go to college full time, and carry a 3.0 (with
no study time). Plus, my 2 other boys are in soccer, swimming,
and basketball. I let them pick one sport per season, so I
can continue to go to school. And, my husband rarely shows
up to their games, because if he is not in his own college classes,
he is playing a sport himself. And, god forbid he miss a football
game in the fall. Ask me how I make it through a week.
And, I also get accused of going to bed too early. I wake
up at 4 AM so I can be at work at 6. That way I can get off
at 3 PM to save us $200 a month in after-school care. And,
his DAD tells me that I want free daycare! I was so furious
that I could have spit nails. Daycare for our infant will
be $120 a week, and that is on the base. It goes according
to the pay scale my husband is paid by. I want my husband
to look to the future - and I do not mean 10 minutes. A few
years ahead would be nice. It took me 8 years of marriage
to convince him that we needed a financial advisor. I feel
like I am living with a moron. So, I know how you feel.
Your wife is totally taking advantage of you. She has a life
of her own, to do what she wants. Please, I make good money,
and don't have 30 minutes to have my hair done. And, we are
talking about a cut, nothing fancy (let alone my nails). He
always gets on me about biting them - and that I am fat, and should
go to the gym. But with school, work, kids, sports, and the
idea that he is never home, when would he like me to go??
Plus, he wants me to use the gym on the base, which means no daycare.
They are closed when he gets home. And, I also get up at 4
AM, don't forget that. She goes and has her face done???
What does she have done??? I say that with the life you have
provided her, she should have no wrinkles and no worries.
Cut the cord, and make her momma go. I would just go for the
big D. You deserve someone who works as hard as you do.
If I could only have half the life you have provided her.
Good luck!!!
RESPONSE: A Good Man With A Time Problem
Frankly, I think she's using you, plain and simple. I also
think that you could do better (hard to do a lot worse, no?).
It sounds like she wants you for your wallet, not yourself.
If you still have any interest in trying to work it out, I'd cut
off the cash for her little self-care hobby, and see if she still
wants you. If she doesn't, get the he!! out.
RESPONSE: A Good Man With A Time Problem
Even though I am a 46 year old woman, I can totally relate to your
story. It sounds like a lonely existence. I guess I'm
at a bit of a disadvantage, because I didn't see your first post.
But, your wife sounds like she enjoys the lifestyle you provide,
but not the man who provides it! I think she's taking advantage
of you - BIG TIME! I would suggest sitting her down and having
a serious talk about how you feel, and what you'd like to change.
If she's willing to listen, perhaps you have a chance at improving
things long term. But, it sounds like you may need some counseling
to achieve it. I don't know how long you've been married,
but I wouldn't waste too much more time on this woman, or give her
more than one more chance to show you that she loves you and cares
about you. This would mean that she also has to WILLINGLY
spend time with you. Are you too busy to do things together?
Or does she just choose to keep busy as a way of avoiding you?
Her lengthy stays in the bathroom certainly indicate that she has
no desire to be with you on an intimate level, which is probably
why she also avoids you in the morning. And, that's what it
is - AVOIDANCE! If she doesn't understand that the way she's
treating you is unacceptable, then you don't have much choice, except
to divorce her. You sound like you're fed up with the situation,
but only YOU know if you're at the point of wanting a divorce.
Life is short, remember that. It is too short to waste on
someone who doesn't appreciate you, or truly love you. Good
luck! Let us know what you decide.
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