Worst gift: I received
this Christmas "gift" from my own mother. But, it
still bothers me, as it is so typical of her narcissism. To
give some background, my mother has always preferred buying things
at thrift stores and yard sales, because "new things are too
expensive, and aren't worth what the stores charge for them."
So, I knew, as soon as I opened this Christmas present, where it
had come from. It was blue, fake fur, and the style was at
least 10 years out of date. It was hideous, and I wouldn't
have liked it even when it was new. My opinion showed in my
face before I could catch myself, and she got upset. She insisted
that she would return it, then pouted for the rest of the evening.
Even when I was a teenager and very self-conscious about my appearance,
she would insist on buying me clothes that were either used, or
from the discount store. She has done the same thing with
other people, never realizing that they will be able to tell that
the items aren't new, and might not exactly be appreciative.
It isn't that she can't afford new things - she's just CHEAP.
I have been aware for years that my mother is deliberately ignorant
of social customs, so I am now prepared to react neutrally at gift-giving
times. She has never had a clue about my personal taste, or
anyone else's. And, she assumes that I, and everyone else,
will like the same things that she does. I donate them to
charity, and keep my fingers crossed that she won't ask about them.
Signed - The Salvation
Army Adores Me
RESPONSE: The Salvation Army Adores Me
Have you ever received anything from her that you had donated previously?
RESPONSE: The Salvation Army Adores Me
My mom has similar habits because she grew up in a poor household.
There was very little money for things like gifts and nice clothes.
Maybe your mom's background causes her to be a bit of a tightwad?
I met DH when he was
36 years old, and his mommy was still balancing his checkbook and
giving him an allowance (this should have been a sign!!).
I love my DH, but my MIL is the most hateful witch in the world.
She has never accepted me, and constantly puts me down to my DH.
And my DH will not stand up to her. She walks all over my
DH, and still tries to control him, even though we've been married
for 3 years now. Thank God we live in Germany, and she lives
in the USA. We recently had to go to visit her because my
DH's father died. We stayed there for two weeks, and it was
the most miserable 2 weeks of my life. MIL is so miserly that
she saves every drop of leftovers. If it is 5 green beans,
it goes in a tiny food storage container. Of course, we had
tons of food brought to the house after the funeral, and weeks later,
she was still serving the same potato salad!!! YUCK.
She even left a cooked chicken on the counter all night, and served
it for lunch the next day. Needless to say, I stopped eating
there after the first few days. She is always pleading poverty,
and whining about how much everything costs. The woman has
over $300,000 in the bank!!! Actually, if my husband would
change his behavior, the MIL would be a lot easier to deal with.
I feel that when she starts putting me down, he should stand up
to her. He should tell her that he loves me, he's happy with
me, and if she's going to put me down, then he won't bring me around
her anymore. That would end a lot of the BS. But, he's
still attached to mommy's apron strings, and would never do anything
that might upset mommy. Well, I guess this is long enough.
I could go on and on.
Signed - The Red Headed
Step-Daughter-in-Law
RESPONSE: The Red Headed Step-Daughter-in-Law
Well, I admit it - I save leftovers a lot, too. I would be
as anal as to save 5 green beans because I can't stand to waste
food - IF IT'S STILL GOOD. The same potato salad after a few
WEEKS? Ugh! Didn't anyone get sick? I may save
leftovers, but once it's gone bad, it's in the garbage!
RESPONSE: The Red Headed Step-Daughter-in-Law
If I could visit with you and your MIL, I would tell her "SHUT
UP, FREAK!" What a freaky, nasty woman to serve leftovers
weeks later. She sounds like a health hazard!
RESPONSE: The Red Headed Step-Daughter-in-Law
It didn't sound like you wanted any advice, but I couldn't resist
commenting. You say your DH was 36 when you met, and he was
still getting an ALLOWANCE from his MOTHER, and letting her keep
his checkbook??? Honey, this wasn't a "sign", this
was a freakin' HUMONGOUS RED FLAG!!!!!! Either you were very
young, very naïve, or both, to have decided to continue in
a relationship with this man. Take it from someone who's been
there - he will NEVER be free of his mother. When she finally
does die, there will be an everlasting legacy of the control she
has exerted over him all of his life. It's a huge mistake
to think that he will ever stand up to her for any reason.
These types of mommy-son relationships never get better, and the
sons never develop a spine of their own. This only leads to
bigger disappointments, more stress and heartache, and the eventual
breakdown of any respect you might have had for him. The mothers
who create these dependent, simpering sons have all but ruined their
sons' chances of ever having happy, normal, successful lives.
They are too selfish and controlling to realize the harm that they
do. And they will never let another woman into the mix without
dishing out a lot of misery and heartache. These types of
MILs seem to make a career out of seeing how far they can push the
DILs until they finally "snap" and divorce their sons.
You are in for a hard life with this man and his mommy. The
ONLY saving grace is that you live on separate continents!!
I wish you MUCH LUCK!!!
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- lvbug 2 of 4 needed/Posted: 31-MAY-02
When we were first married, my husband was in college.
So, when our wedding day drew near, he really didn't have money
to buy our wedding bands. I have a really beautiful engagement
ring with an odd shaped band (channel set with diamonds).
A regular wedding band would not fit with this ring. My MIL
volunteered to take my ring to the jeweler and have grandmother's
diamond (which was supposedly left to my husband) set in it.
And, she wanted to have matching wedding bands made for both of
us. I was extremely grateful for her offer. I left everything
in her capable hands. Well, the night before our wedding (at
the rehearsal dinner), my MIL lovingly joked to everyone about how
she was mad at me because she didn't like the idea that I wasn't
having children at my wedding. So, she took the diamond to
the jeweler, and had him make it into a necklace for herself!!!
What about the wedding bands??? Oh, she "forgot"
about those. So, the night before the BIG DAY, my mother had
to call her manager (she works at a retail store), and have him
get us 2 cheapo wedding bands. He brought them to the ceremony.
Oh, and FYI, my husband's brother got married last week, and his
wife had a ring with grandmother's diamond set in platinum, and
matching bands. When I asked my MIL about it, she lied and
said it wasn't THE diamond. I had to hear from a neighbor,
"Isn't it so sweet that your SIL got to have grandmother's
diamond?" I wonder if she cares how that makes me feel?
Or, does she like how that makes me feel? I was really looking
forward to becoming a part of their family, too.
RESPONSE: All Cried Out
I would have your DH say something to his mother about the fact
that she re-appropriated the diamond. What was her excuse
for not having the wedding bands? If fact, I would say something
about it every time someone talks about the diamond. Since
she says that it is a different diamond, where is the one you/DH
are supposed to have. The GRANDMOTHER wanted him to have it
- how disrespectful of his mother.
RESPONSE: All Cried Out
What a hateful, wretched woman!!! She obviously didn't ever
want to have a loving relationship with you. How pathetic
some people are, and in this case, I would say sadistic too.
It sounded like she really wanted to hurt, embarrass, and upset
you - and on the night before your wedding, of all times!!!
I would try to have as little contact as possible with her in the
future. I hope your husband will be supportive of you, and
not succumb to the sick games of this nutty woman. Good luck
to you!!
RESPONSE: All Cried Out
Just remember that you will be the mother of her grandchildren.
And I am sure she showed her @ss to you. She will show it
to the other DIL.
RESPONSE: All Cried Out
That's so sad. I HOPE you aren't trusting her with anything
else! It's not clear whether or not you ever got your engagement
ring back. If not, send her a bill for it! If you hadn't
mentioned his brother, I would have been willing to bet that he
was an only child after reading your "cupcake story".
She didn't think you'd forget his birthday. She KNEW you'd
see the note, and she was trying to hurt you. The woman is
nuts! I'd stay far, far away from her if you can. You
are not going to be able to please her.
RESPONSE: All Cried Out
What a conniving hag! I hope DH is very nice to you in light
of what his mother put you two through! However, she probably
wouldn't treat you like this if he stood up to her.
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- lvbug 3 of 4 needed/Posted: 31-MAY-02
For my husband's birthday last month (he's 33), my
MIL made him cupcakes (with little jimmies on them - one had a candle
in it). She dropped them off where he works, for all of the
employees. Enclosed in the storage container, was a note.
It read, "Wanted to make sure someone remembered you on your
special day. Happy Birthday. Love, Mommy".
Was she implying that I would forget?
RESPONSE: Sick of the Tug of War
How embarrassing for your DH. If I was one of his coworkers,
I would have an absolute field day with that for as long as he worked
there! "Did mommy pack wittle baby's lunch today?
Did mommy wipe your bottom, too?"
RESPONSE: Sick of the Tug of War
Does your MIL think her son is still in kindergarten? My DH
would rip his mother a new one if she ever pulled a stunt like that
at his place of business. How embarrassing to have your mommy
show up with widdle biddy cupcakes at work! I feel so badly
for your DH! And, of course she KNEW you wouldn't forget her
baby boy's birthday! In fact, she probably knew you would
make it a very special occasion, and she was consumed with jealousy.
She wanted to prove that nobody could love her baby waby boy as
much as his mommy! Ick! You have my deepest sympathies
for having to deal with a wack job like that!
When my husband was
10 years old, his mother left him and his two younger brothers to
run off with a man and live with him in his homeland on another
continent. She came back a few years later when that relationship
didn't work, and she has been a needy, dependent, attention seeking
leech ever since. She doesn't want to be involved or included
in anything that doesn't have all the attention focused on her.
Because of this, she didn't attend her first granddaughter's baptism.
Her excuse was that she didn't have anything to wear. She
and her mother both berated me and my husband, saying that the way
we planned the event "didn't make sense". This was
because we had invited a limited amount of guests, as we had a food
budget to work with (which my parents had generously given).
They were upset that there were certain people who weren't invited.
And, when we told them that it was because of the cost, they wanted
us to ask the attendees for money!!! As if!!!!
Signed - MIL-less
My MIL, oh boy.
She is a piece of work. My husband and I went to Europe to
get married. We both wanted our wedding to be just us together,
alone. We just wanted to focus on our love, and each other,
on our wedding day. Of course, MIL hated this. She kept
telling us that she was hurt down deep, referring to the wedding
- our wedding. The ILs didn't help pay for anything.
We let them take us to the airport, and DH had to ask for spending
money. Guess what? They didn't even have cash on them
(I thought they were waiting for us to ask - they are that way about
some things). When DH was looking for a suit, MIL was more
concerned about if he would be able to wear it elsewhere, than she
was about finding the right one for our wedding. We did get
the perfect one for a wedding. All they helped out with was
the suit and opera tickets. They didn't even thank my parents
for everything that my parents paid for. My parents paid for
everything to be first class - the best hotels with the best rooms,
a video of the wedding, pictures of the wedding, plane tickets,
lots of spending money, and so on. There was no, "Thank
You" from the ILs. They didn't even ask about the wedding
when we got back. They just asked about the country.
Then, the other day, MIL had the nerve to ask me for her own pictures
of the wedding. If she wanted pictures, then why didn't she
offer to help pay for them in the first place. The only thing
she said about pictures was to be sure to take a lot of pictures,
as it is a pretty country. One week after we had been married,
she was getting upset with us, saying that DH and I don't live on
a island alone. She said that we need others to support us.
Hello. We are in love. I am working a full-time office
job, and DH is finishing up college. And, we just got married.
Let us live on an island for a while. We are newlyweds.
She wanted us to have a wedding reception/graduation party (for
my husband for college). We said that we didn't want a wedding
reception, but we will have a graduation party at our wonderful,
brand new, 3 story town home for DH. She wanted to throw the
party herself, and made this clear. I said that she could
help me plan it at my home. She wanted to make a big deal
out of everything small. I have no idea how many times we
changed the time. First, I was going to cook. And, then
MIL offered to have it catered. Then, she said that a friend
was going to cook for free. I told her what kind of food DH
wanted, and she said, "Oh, we can get that at (name of grocery
store) instead." Then I said, "I will just cook."
I don't want DH to have frozen, deep fried food for his party.
She has to argue about every detail. She drives us nuts.
Signed - She Drives Us
Nuts
RESPONSE: She Drives Us Nuts
You are either trolling here, or you are a spoiled-rotten brat!
Either way, give us a break!
RESPONSE: She Drives Us Nuts
I can't believe they weren't tripping over themselves offering to
pay for your wedding and lavish you with spending money after you
were so kind as to let them drive you to the airport. Really,
the nerve of some people. You actually had to ask them to
give you spending money! What did they think you were?
Adults?
RESPONSE: She Drives Us Nuts
I am also recently married, and my DH just graduated from college.
Let MIL plan the family graduation party at her home, and you have
the friend party at yours. You could invite both sets of parents
to both. I'm not so sure you are totally in the right here.
You shouldn't have asked your ILs for money to go to Europe.
These people don't owe you that! It was your decision to marry
overseas, and your parents graciously paid for most of your trip.
But, your ILs weren't included at all in their son's wedding - not
even the traditional rehearsal dinner. If you didn't care
about their place in your married life, then don't complain now!
RESPONSE: She Drives Us Nuts
It sounds like you and your DH wanted a free trip to Europe - so
you decided to throw a wedding in there. And then you expected
both sets of parents to split the bill. Gee, what nerve -
your ILs didn't even have wads of cash to hand you at the airport.
And, then MIL didn't even ask about the wedding. Yet, when
she asked to have some pictures of it, she had nerve, since she
didn't pay for that either. And, what a nerve wanting to throw
her own son a graduation/wedding party. It seems like she
wanted to celebrate and acknowledge your marriage, but that can
only be done with cash, in your eyes. And, then your ILs didn't
even thank your parents for giving THEIR little princess everything
she asked for (gee, I always thought it was the responsibility of
the recipient of a gift to thank the giver, not her ILs).
You sound like a greedy, materialistic, spoiled-rotten brat!
And, no I am NOT a MIL I am just a DIL who has some common
decency and manners.
RESPONSE: She Drives Us Nuts
I'm sorry, but I have to say that I feel sorry for your MIL.
First, she isn't supposed to be hurt because she is not invited
to her own son's wedding, but yet she is still expected to fork
over cash for it. And then, you are insulted because DH had
to ASK for spending money for YOUR wedding trip, instead of his
parents just knowing they were supposed to provide a free handout.
And, as far as thanking YOUR parents for YOUR wedding gift (it sounds
more like they were also shaken down for the cash), that is YOUR
responsibility, and your DH's as well. You sound like one
spoiled-rotten brat honey. I am a regular on this site, and
a DIL to boot. This is one of the few times that I have actually
felt sorry for the MIL here. You are quite a piece of work
toots!
RESPONSE: She Drives Us Nuts
I think you're looking for stuff to complain about. So, your
MIL didn't thank your parents for paying off your wedding?
Oh, the horror. Since when does she have to? Did you
thank your parents for paying for your wedding? Your parents,
your wedding. You didn't want them all there, so why should
she have to thank anybody for something she wasn't a part of?
As for the reception that she offered to throw, and the graduation
party you insisted on, all you've described is an exchange of ideas,
not changes in plans. You're barely married, and you're trying
to make your MIL into a monster, which doesn't seem to be accurate,
even by your own accounting. Loosen up - you've got a lot
of MIL in your future.
RESPONSE: She Drives Us Nuts
While I am sure that your MIL is not perfect, there are a few things
I think you are blowing way out of proportion. First of all,
if you wanted a wedding in Europe for just you and DH, fine.
But I don't understand why you think your IL's should pay for it.
Why should they contribute to something that they aren't even invited
to? And, why should THEY thank your parents? It was
not their wedding, it was yours. Your parents didn't do anything
for them. Secondly, if you're old enough to be married, why
should you need the IL's to give you spending money? You should
have saved for the trip, or put it off until you could pay for it
yourselves. If your MIL wants pictures of the wedding, let
her get in touch with the photographer and order the ones she wants
directly from him. That way, you are not in the middle.
I can understand why she was hurt, most mothers want to attend their
child's wedding. The fact that she paid for DH's suit and
opera tickets make it sound like she was at least trying to accept
it. And, that's a pretty good wedding present. As far
as the grad party goes, why not have one at your new house, and
let MIL have her own party that she can run any way she wants.
That would cut down on hurt feelings, and you would be able to do
whatever you want with yours. I don't mean to be nasty, but
I think that you should grow up a little, and try to get along with
these people. You're going to have to deal with them for a
long time, and some patience now will save you a big headache later.
It just doesn't seem that they are so bad. Maybe you should
grow up just a little.
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