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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
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June
1, 2002
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Frequent
Fry Her TM
- MsInconsiderate 1 of 4 needed/Posted: 1-JUN-02
DH and I had just remodeled our living room.
We took a lot of time doing this, picking just the right things.
And, it took a while, because we were on a very limited budget.
Well, MIL had come over every once in a while to see the progress,
which was fine. I loved doing everything on our own, and was
really pleased with the results. And, I was happy to show
people. We did a very different look. For those of you
who watch "Trading Spaces", it was a very "Hildy"
inspired look (with lots of black, and lots of accent pieces in
gold and red). It is very dramatic, and I love it! Well,
when we were all finished, MIL brought us a gift for the new room.
I thought it was very nice of her. We had gone shopping together
a couple of times. She had seen some inexpensive things that
I had wanted to get, but was waiting until we had the money for
them. So, I was hoping that the gift would be one of those.
No such luck. What I got was a white teddy bear, wearing a
dress that MIL had sewn using "our colors". Well,
the dress was black with red hearts, and frilly red lace all over.
How hideous! And, MIL knows that I HATE hearts. They're
just really not my style. Well, the bear has been conveniently
"lost" in a safe hiding place. That way, if MIL
makes too big of a stink about it, I can "find" it.
But, maybe when it's found, it will be too deformed to put on display!
Signed - MsInconsiderate
(
I want my own
Frequent Fry Her TM
Page )
RESPONSE: MsInconsiderate
Are you sure she knows you hate hearts? Sometimes people just
don't "get it" about what other people like. I thought
everybody liked hearts - maybe I've given heart-themed gifts to
people who hate them too!
RESPONSE: MsInconsiderate
I would just put the teddy bear out when MIL visits, and put it
away (in a closet somewhere) as soon as she leaves (at least for
a while). I think she went through quite a bit of trouble
trying to please you, even though it sounds like your taste and
hers are not alike.
RESPONSE: MsInconsiderate
So far, I fail to see what your gripe with MIL is. It sounds
like her heart was in the right place. A home is about love
and comfort, not some material inspired decoration scheme.
It should be a reflection of the heart. What did it hurt for
her to give you a gift of love? It sounds like she was being
very supportive of your color choices. Do what I do - put
that thing in the closet, and bring it out when she is over.
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Frequent
Fry Her TM
- MsInconsiderate 2 of 4 needed/Posted: 1-JUN-02
My ILs waste every bit of money that they manage
to save, on multilevel marketing schemes. They are trying
to get DH and I to join in on the newest one. Well, to appease
them, I read through the information on the new "company",
and it was bullsh!t! There was no way I was going to put any
of our hard earned money into this. Well, FIL will not accept
that this is something that we do not want to participate in.
He continues calling the house, leaving messages (we have caller
id, and when DH isn't home, I usually don't answer unless I know
it's for me - and if the IL's are calling, it's never for me) that
tell us that we need to get our papers in, and to get started, etc.
It really frustrates DH, and me as well. I suggested that
he just come right out and say that it's something that we don't
want to do, and be very direct about it. I know that if we
don't put a stop to it now, it will never end. DH doesn't
want to do that, because the ILs will get mad at us. But,
until he stands up to them, they assume that I'm the reason we're
not "in on it". Their view is that I won't let DH
"get rich" (their words). I know this, because they
say the same thing about BIL's wife. I'm very frustrated with
this situation. I know the ILs will be mad, and maybe this
is selfish, but I'd rather they be upset with both of us, since
it is both of us who made the decision. MIL and FIL are very
controlling and manipulative, and it needs to stop. DH agrees
with this, but doesn't want to take any action. I feel that
because it is his family, the responsibility lies with him.
I would not ask him to stand up to my parents. What can I
do? I know that if I am the one to confront them, it will
turn into a war (which I really don't want), But at times,
the thought of cutting off communication is enticing.
Signed - If I Confront
Them, It Will Turn Into A War
(
I want my own
Frequent Fry Her TM
Page )
RESPONSE: If I Confront Them, It Will Turn Into A War
This is DH's problem.
RESPONSE: If I Confront Them, It Will Turn Into A War
Call them at a time that you know they won't be home. Leave
a message on the machine saying that you AND DH have decided not
to participate. The deed will be done, and no one gets yelled
at. If they call DH to discuss, all he has to say is, "That's
right." I usually take the easy way out!
RESPONSE: If I Confront Them, It Will Turn Into A War
I cannot believe that DH is making you the bad guy on this!
I think you should really talk with him about how he would feel
if the situation were reversed. He is not protecting you.
And, even further, he is WIMPING OUT on his role as husband.
And, don't you DARE give those kooks any money for a crazy scheme!
RESPONSE: If I Confront Them, It Will Turn Into A War
Try asking DH this, "You don't want to tell them no, so you
are willing to be rude and ignore them? They are calling and
leaving messages, because they are assuming that you want to do
this. I am sure that they have better things to do with their
time. If it were me, I would be mad that someone didn't just
come right out and say that they are not interested, instead of
making me think that I need to keep calling and reminding."
What is the problem? DH can't take their temper? Do
they hit when they are mad? Do they say horrible things that
DH thinks he can't handle? There is a very wise saying, "A
coward dies a hundred deaths, a hero only one," and it applies
here. Every time DH hides from his parents and acts like a
child (avoiding saying things that will make them mad), he is dying
another "little death" inside. IMHO, he needs to
get it over with and be honest. And then you two can get on
with your lives!
RESPONSE: If I Confront Them, It Will Turn Into A War
Wow, you have my sympathy. Could you just hook up the answering
machine to take FIL's calls? Just let him prattle on - you
don't need to confront him yourself if your DH won't do it.
He can't FORCE you to sign up. Just humor him, and don't sign
up! I hope some of the other respondents have better advice.
You sure have my sympathy. Those multilevel marketers can
be a real pain in the rear, especially when they're indoctrinated
to think they're "helping people", and that you're going
to "get rich". Yeah, when pigs fly, in most cases!
I never had family involved in those schemes (and fortunately, my
in-laws are as skeptical of them as we are!), but we've had acquaintances
who really put pressure on us. Oddly, we always seemed to
have a lot more money than they did! One of them would disparage
my job (it was better than any she had, come to think of it), while
trying to get me to sign on with one of her schemes, implying that
I'd never do well until I did. But, I had a good job with
good benefits, while she was scrambling for money every way she
could. It's a pain, I know, and I'm sorry your in-laws are
putting so much pressure on you. I hope you can just blow
them off and avoid them as much as possible. I guess your
DH could always say, "Let's see if YOU get rich first.
Then if you do, maybe we'll sign on." Fat chance!
RESPONSE: If I Confront Them, It Will Turn Into A War
Why don't you confront them together? I would speak with DH
first about what you two want to say. Let him say it, and
then back him up. If he starts to waver, step in. Get
the point across that while you wish them the best with their venture,
you and DH aren't interested. And, you both would appreciate
them not pressuring you two to join. I personally think your
ILs are very rude to keep harassing you with phone calls.
If they get mad, that's their problem. Good luck!
RESPONSE: If I Confront Them, It Will Turn Into A War
Tell your DH that if he won't tell them that both of you agree not
to get involved in the marketing schemes, you will. Then,
if it turns out that you need to tell them, do so on the phone.
That way, if the conversation gets too ugly, tell them that you
have to go, and hang up. Just make it clear that both you
and DH have discussed it, and neither of you is interested.
It sounds like they will not give up on the idea of you being involved,
so someone needs to take a stand and let them know your feelings.
Good luck!
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When I was 20, I made
the mistake of marrying my husband (who has now become my ex-husband).
But I swear, the stuff that his family did is just unbelievable.
At the beginning, as it always is, they are all over you.
He was also 20, and we were each other's first "real"
relationship. As a wedding present, his parents gave us some
money. It was quite a bit, and I was thinking, "Wow,
how nice," until I realized that this money is what my ex-hubby
used to give his mum each week. She always said that he had
to pay his way (by the way, he was 15 when he started giving his
mommy money - about 50 bucks a week). So married life started.
Of course being from an Italian family, at our wedding we got heaps
of cash and a lot of help from my parents. My ex-hubby is
Australian, what a clash!! My parents doubled the cash that
the guests gave us. And also, because we did not have a house,
they gave us one of their houses to live in, asking us to pay only
200 bucks a month in rent. WELL, when MIL heard this, she
starting accusing my parents of trying to buy hubby's love, and
started in on my mother, saying how she was a stupid Italian, blah,
blah, blah. She would pick fights with my mum on the silliest
things. We could never leave them in a room together because,
I swear, there would end up being a boxing match. She always
had to be involved in our business. For example, a couple
of months into our marriage, we got a bill for the water and gas.
As everyone knows, the first bill is always high. So, hubby
rings up mummy and daddy, and asked if it is normal, and could they
please ring up the company and see what the problem was. HELLO.
I am your wife. You ask ME. His mum then started giving
him all this advice, and I got so mad at her. She had the
gall to say that, because he never lived on his own, she is "here
to help him". HE IS MARRIED!!!! But wait, it did
not end there. When we decided to buy a car, he actually wanted
his parents to come and approve the car!! When I told this
to my parents, they flipped. When I asked my mum if she would
come as well, she actually said to me that I was an adult, and I
should start making my own decisions. It sounds harsh, but
she had a point. He actually had the gall to put the name
of the car in HIS parent's name, so we could pay LESS insurance.
My mum totally flipped at that one. As you know, after a year
an a half of MIL, and FIL (who was actually quite sweet), butting
into our business, I told hubby to leave. To this day (we
are 28 now), he still lives at home, and is still babied by his
mother. Whereas, I moved to Italy, and have found a great
guy. The one good thing is that we live in northern of Italy,
and BF's family is in the South. We see each other a couple
of months a year, and we see my family maybe once every two years.
Life is PERFECT! We have NO interference from EITHER side.
Signed - Hoping It Stays
This Way!!!!!!
RESPONSE: Hoping It Stays This Way!!!!!!
I'm glad you got out of that relationship. My ex used to always
run every little thing by his mother and his two sisters before
he'd make a decision (what I wanted never counted - that's one of
the reasons he's now an ex). One thing I do hope you learned,
though (as I did), is to not drag your parents into your problems.
The more people you involve in your marital problems, the worse
they get! It sounds like you've grown up! Best wishes
with your new boyfriend!
RESPONSE: Hoping It Stays This Way!!!!!!
That sounds great - more power to you! A similar story with
a different ending: It was exactly the same when we got married
- my DH had moved right from his parents' home where they took care
of EVERYTHING. And our marriage, very frustratingly, started
out very much as you describe (except that my in-laws and my parents
did get along fine). My DH would go to them for everything,
and they were always eager to jump in and take care of things for
him. It drove me up the wall! During our first year
of marriage, I heard my MIL telling him (typically), "WE'LL
do YOUR TAXES." It made me furious - why couldn't I do
our taxes?! Well, to make a long story short, I DID do our
taxes. And, slowly but surely, we trained them to butt out.
They have really backed off A LOT, are much more respectful, and
rarely lapse back into interfering and treating DH like their little
boy. To their credit, I guess they are pretty decent people
who were just breaking a longtime habit of taking care of their
only child. Now I need to break the habit of complaining about
them. This is even harder, it seems, because even though there
have been absolutely NO offenses lately, I'm in the habit of looking
for them. And, I am addicted to checking into this web site
every single day! So, I guess they're better people than I
am.
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Frequent
Fry Her TM
- AngelFace 1 of 4 needed/Posted: 1-JUN-02
DH is out of town for the next three weeks, so MIL
has been calling periodically to "check on me".
She called the other night, and we talked for a while. Or,
I should say, she talked about herself, and I nodded and said, "Uh,
huh," at intervals, while watching TV. Anyway, then MIL
asked me if I have spoken to my family (long story, but my immediate
family and I are not speaking), and I said, "No."
I was telling her the latest news that I had (from an aunt) about
them. She then started lecturing me about how I should be
mature enough to get over my hard feelings, and just forgive my
mother, because mothers aren't perfect, as I will soon find out,
etc. First of all, she was very condescending. As if
I was an idiot who didn't understand the big words coming out of
her mouth. Then, I only shared the info of my family because
she asked. I did not ask for her opinion, nor did I want it.
Also, she doesn't even know the whole story. I never told
them what went on, and DH hates to relive the whole stupid situation.
So, she was opening her mouth, and inserting her foot. Basically,
my mother thinks I was born to be her doormat - to do anything she
asks, whenever she asks it, and with a smile. She hates my
DH, and makes no beans about it. She wants complete control
over our lives, and I won't let her have it. So, she has decided
that I am an ungrateful, selfish, b!tch of a daughter. She
has poisoned my father and siblings against me, and tried to influence
the rest of the family (thankfully, they are all smarter than that!).
Anyway, what really bugs me about MIL is that she has no room to
talk about relationships with mothers. She hates her mother.
Her mother treats her like dirt, and MIL is always complaining and
saying that she's just not gonna take it anymore. And then
she always does. I am really tired of people telling me that
I should just forgive and forget, and go back to being my mother's
doormat. WHY? So that when I am 45, and my kids are
grown, I can poison their minds with all my venomous talk about
my mother - like MIL? All 3 of her kids hate going to see
her mom, but she forces them to (or at least tries, in DH's case).
Or, so that I can be miserable for the rest of my life, while my
mother treats me like dirt? No way. Why is it so hard
for MIL to understand that I am gonna do this my own way, not her
way? Also, DH just applied for a new job in his hometown (right
now we are in different states). So if he gets it, we will
be moving to their state at the end of the year. I am 5 moths
pregnant, and due in October (it's a girl!). And MIL is convinced
that we will be there before the baby is born. I told her,
that it is not until November or December, but she is insistent
that I am wrong. DH asked FIL to help us find a house (when
we find out if we are going or not), and he's agreed. MIL
apparently thinks that we want to live next door to them, and is
trying to convince DH that the house next door to them (which is
for sale/lease) would be perfect for us. I DON'T THINK SO!!!!
Thankfully, DH doesn't think so either. J.
I have very mixed feelings about this prospective move - I wanted
to get out of here for a while, but also don't want to be stuck
in the state with the ILs forever (especially if I hate it).
MIL, of course, is pushing for us to buy a house, and settle in
for the long haul. She needs to back off a little, and just
let us decide what's best for us. Of course, whatever is decided,
it will be my fault. She has already decided that I have brainwashed
DH to make him stay here in my hometown, instead of running back
to her state at the earliest opportunity. What she doesn't
get, is that the only reason we are even contemplating this move
is because I've wanted to get out of here for a while! DH
is perfectly happy here, and most of the time, he has to be reminded
to even call his family.
Signed - She Thinks I
Am the Bad Guy!
(
I want my own
Frequent Fry Her TM
Page )
RESPONSE: She Thinks I Am the Bad Guy!
"Or, I should say, she talked about herself, and I nodded and
said, 'Uh, huh,'". I hear ya! My MIL is the exact
same way. I don't think I've ever carried on a two way conversation
with her.
RESPONSE: She Thinks I Am the Bad Guy!
Next time your MIL asks about your family, tell her you would rather
not talk about it. You are right. She should not be
telling you what you should or shouldn't do where your family is
concerned. That is your decision. Also, good luck if
you move to her hometown. Things are bound to get even more
interesting after your baby is born!
RESPONSE: She Thinks I Am the Bad Guy!
Quit reminding him to call his faaaaamily. And, even though
it was none of her damn business, I would have told MIL the WHOLE
story with the total ugly facts!!! Get caller ID and an answering
machine, and reconsider a move!!
RESPONSE: She Thinks I Am the Bad Guy!
My MIL is the same way, always having to get her two cents in -
in a very disrespectful way. And, she always implies that
I'm wrong. It's gotten to the point that I don't confide ANYTHING
in her anymore (I'd never tell her if I was having problems with
ANYONE) because she always thinks it's my fault automatically.
And, she comes right out and says, condescendingly, "I wonder
what I'd think," or, "I wonder how I'd get along with
that person," implying that it's just because I'm not good
at getting along with people. Sometimes, I'm tempted to say
the same thing when SHE'S complaining about someone, but I don't
want to stoop to her level. Whatever you do, don't live next
door to your MIL! Thank god your husband doesn't want to either.
It sounds like you are very patient with her. She's really
out of line by giving you such aggressive, unsolicited advice.
My only thought would be for you to be really friendly, in a very
superficial way. Just evade all her probing questions with
a pleasant, light remark or a laugh. That's been working for
me. And boy, did I learn the hard way. P.S. Avoid
her as much as possible!
RESPONSE: She Thinks I Am the Bad Guy!
Stop reminding him to call his family. And stop chatting with
MIL. That was 2 of the hardest lessons I had to learn.
Mother's Day just went by, and I never said a word - and DH didn't
call MIL. After a couple of years, I learned, and my MIL started
to complain that I never told her anything. That was because
after she did things like you are describing, I learned not to give
her any ammunition. Her only ammunition became, "DIL
never talks to meeeee!"
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