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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
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November 21, 2002
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OCTOBER
2002
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NOVEMBER
2002
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My in-laws and SIL are
lying, manipulating, two-faced, arrogant control freaks. I
have been in this so called family for over 15 years now.
My MIL has been rude to me since day one of course, along with her
daughter. Things really started getting bad when we had our
first child and moved to another city. Attitudes and jealousy
became very, very intense. My MIL ALWAYS insults my intelligence
with the choices I make for our child. It has gotten to the
point where I can not take it anymore. I have talked about
this to my husband until I am BLUE in THE FACE, and he just does
not seem to understand their need to CONTROL. My SIL is like
a duplicate of my MIL. She drives me insane. It is always
me this, me that, and me not getting enough attention so she has
to cause trouble in everyone's life. This is because SHE HAS
NO LIFE. My MIL always takes her side and believes everything
she says about people (all LIES). AGAIN, THIS IS SO THAT SHE
CAN HAVE ATTENTION. To make a long story short, I have limited
my appearance to family functions because I am so tired of the two
faced insults and the comments on how I should raise my children,
or how I am not doing this or that right. I have found that
the less I see of them, the better off I am.
Signed - Less Is Better
RESPONSE: Less Is Better
AMEN!
RESPONSE: Less Is Better
Sometimes that's the only solution. I have only been married
for 1 1/2 years, and already I do as much as possible to not see
my rude, controlling MIL. Best of luck!
RESPONSE: Less Is Better
It is sad, isn't it. You never wanted it that way, neither
did I, but it is all I can do to keep my stress level down.
Every time I see them, it's another doozy. Good luck.
You are doing the right thing.
RESPONSE: Less Is Better
I truly believe your problems will not be resolved with your in-laws
until your DH does something. They are his parents, and he
should deal with them. I would suggest counseling. I
was in the same situation. My DH chooses to ignore my feelings.
Right, now we are not talking to the in-laws, because when my DH
finally stood up to them after 10 years, the in-laws were so blown
away that they cut us off. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Less Is Better
This could be my post, with the exception of the fact that they
are nice to my face, but talk badly about me (and everyone else)
behind my back. I just found out that this is the way they
feel (after 13 years) because my SIL decided that she had to get
some things off her chest to make herself feel better. Isn't
that nice? No regard to how it would affect the entire family
situation. Anyway, now that I know what I know, I will be
avoiding the MIL/SIL duo whenever possible (which is really just
holidays anyway, since they never invite us over and never come
when I invite them). UGH!!! I guess it is just nice
to know that there are so many others with the same problem.
RESPONSE: Less Is Better
Why do you spend any time at all with these evil people? Get
these toxic monsters out of your life and refuse to see them.
And, get to counseling with your husband. He knows what is
going on, he just doesn't want to deal with it. They are his
family, and therefore his problem! Fifteen years of being
a doormat is 15 years too long.
RESPONSE: Less Is Better
Less is better! Same story here, except my FIL and MIL are
the ones with no lives, and who made up stories and exaggerated
to get DS's attention! It doesn't work with me because I see
their sneaky ways to get attention and pity. Too bad.
You want sympathy, you won't get it! It's a shame that all
of our DH's can't see what sneaky tricks these ILs are up to!
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Do any of you deal with
someone who is a very good person, but who constantly drops in on
you at unexpected times? I honestly can't think of any way
to say anything without being rude. I think it's a cultural
thing. This is a very generous person who always stops by
and wants to help. And, she is someone whom we like.
But it's awkward to always be caught off-guard - not quite dressed,
not ready, in the bathroom, etc.! Have any of you dealt with
this and come up with a tactful solution? A lot of the time
I just hide, but sometimes I really get caught in embarrassing states
of undress, etc. I know you come up with some pretty good
ideas, so thought I'd ask! Thanks. It doesn't help that
this person is so familiar to the dog that she never barks!
She barks at everyone else and lets us know. So, it's like
having a phantom sneak up on you! Do you think I need to just
loosen up a little and stop being such a control freak? How
do you feel about drop-in guests, especially ones you like, who
aren't just wasting your time?
Signed - Control Freak?
RESPONSE: Control Freak?
If it is a friend, just explain the situation. Friends will
understand.
RESPONSE: Control Freak?
Lock the door.
RESPONSE: Control Freak?
I don't let them in the door and I have an excuse ready like, "I'm
so sorry, I can't visit right now. I'm right in the middle
of getting ready for ---."
RESPONSE: Control Freak?
Um, Lock the doors?
RESPONSE: Control Freak?
It is nice that you have people who care about you enough to just
drop by and see you, BUT I think the days of dropping by and hanging
out ended with college. Even with my sister and my parents,
I always call first. And, they do the same. We don't
even think about it. Maybe you could tell her to call first,
but that might be an awkward situation. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Control Freak?
If you simply don't answer the door, how long will it take for her
to go away? If you don't want to wait that long for her to
go away, simply go to the door, say "Hello. Thanks, but
this is not a good time for me, BYE. Uh huh, uh huh, this
is not a good time for me, uh huh, BYE. Of course, and you
know this is not a good time for me, so I'll be going back upstairs
now. You have a nice day!" Repeat as many times
as necessary.
RESPONSE: Control Freak?
The only thing I can think of is to maybe install a chain lock or
a deadbolt on the door. Keep it locked when you're home, and
she'll have to ring the bell to be let in. Maybe then she'll
get the hint, without you having to be blunt about it. Otherwise,
maybe just acting embarrassed and asking her to loudly announce
her presence when she enters your house will work. Just a
simple, "Hello, anyone here?" would be enough to give
you a warning. Good Luck.
RESPONSE: Control Freak?
The next time this person shows up unexpectedly, answer the door
in a towel and say "I'd love to visit but right now's a bad
time for me, as you can see. I would really appreciate it
if you would call before you stopped over. Maybe we can get
together later." Sweet, obvious, and to the point.
If you don't have the nerve to answer in a towel, just don't open
the door, and say that you are in a towel (and the rest) through
the door.
RESPONSE: Control Freak?
I love my parents to death, and I tolerate my ILs. I have
no problems whatsoever with them coming over, but they MUST call
before hand! At first my DH hated this rule - until his sister
came over while we were going at it, and he actually went to answer
the door! After that, he told her that she has to call before
she comes over. Her response: I don't make her feel
welcome, so she's not going to come over at all when I'm there!
So, now she calls to make sure I am not here before she comes over.
Hey, its a win-win situation. I'd sit this person down and
say, "We love your company, and we welcome you into our home,
but we'd appreciate it if you called before you came over."
And, be nice about it. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Control Freak?
If it's morning when this drop-in comes around, you could make a
sign that says Sleeping In, Do Not Disturb. If it's around
noon, you could make a sign that says, Noony In Progress, Do Not
Disturb. If it's evening, you could have a sign that says,
We Are Naked, Do Not Disturb. Or, you could be an adult and
sweetly tell this person how much you appreciate such a good heart,
but sometimes a phone call ahead of time would be best since you
are not always prepared for visitors. I think that would be
understood by someone who is as caring a person as you have described.
Good luck!
RESPONSE: Control Freak?
To tell you the truth, I've been that well-meaning person.
I just didn't realize it was a problem, and thought my friend and
I had this reciprocal thing going. She finally said, "I
think you have the wrong idea. I really value my alone time
and would appreciate if you called before coming over."
I was surprised, but didn't blame her, either. I also appreciated
that she would come out and say something instead of silently resenting
me. I mean, really, how would have I known unless she said
something?
RESPONSE: Control Freak?
You're not being a control freak at all. I think it's very
rude of people to drop by without calling first. I would simply
not answer the door if you are undressing, in the bathroom, etc.
When she calls later on and asks why you didn't answer the door,
tell her the truth. Or, if you do decide to answer the door,
tell her, "I'm sorry, this really isn't a good time.
Can you call me later?" Then, explain to her that you
really would appreciate a phone call first so you can plan and therefore
have more time with her.
RESPONSE: Control Freak?
Your story is so familiar!! My personal thought is that her
behavior is a carryover from what she is used to with her own life/family.
Either that, or she is one of those people who just needs to constantly
BE with people. In either case - HOW EMBARRASSING! My
MIL used to live up the road from us, so she'd always feel free
to wander in on her way to the mailbox, or what have you.
She wandered into our house one day while my husband and I were
making love, so he wandered out buck naked to greet her. She
freaked. I am not sure if I could have casually sauntered
out there naked myself, but the bright point is that she DOES call
first now. You could also try to carry on as though she is
not there, doing things like shaving your armpits (here, hold this,
would you :)) and cutting your toenails. Unless she is really
weird, I would hope that she would recognize that these are activities
that people like to be ALONE for. Best of luck.
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I really hate my MIL.
I guess I should detest her very much. She always has something
smart and evil to say about me being a stay at home mom. She
assumes that because she works hard mopping urine off bathroom floors,
I must be doing the same thing, or something even more demeaning
than that, because I don't bring a paycheck home. She always
makes stupid comments to my husband, saying thing like, "She
doesn't do anything," and, "Why doesn't she get a job?"
I wish she could spend a day in my shoes with my children.
Then she would see that it is a full time job. But, of course,
I would never leave her grandchildren with her.
Signed - It Is A Full
Time Job
RESPONSE: It Is A Full Time Job
And your husband puts up with this because ---? And you listen
to this cr@p because ---? Don't give her the opportunity to
insult you.
RESPONSE: It Is A Full Time Job
Did MIL raise her kids or ship them off to a daycare and let the
daycare raise them? A stay at home mom works within the home.
If your DH had to hire someone to do what you do, he would be broke.
His paycheck is half yours.
RESPONSE: It Is A Full Time Job
And, what does your DH say to her when she asks him that nosy question?
Does he support you and take up for you? Tell her to mind
her own damn business.
RESPONSE: It Is A Full Time Job
You DO have a job, and it's raising your children. Tell her
that you're being a good parent by raising your children and not
letting some daycare center raise your children for you. If
she can't accept that, who cares. I was glad to hear at the
end that you would never leave your children with her.
RESPONSE: It Is A Full Time Job
Next time she says something, confront her on it. Tell her
that if she has anything to say, she should say it to your face.
Tell her that these issues are none of her business. Tell
her that these issues have been dealt with between you and your
hubby. Obviously, your husband won't confront her, so you
must. But, he should back you up on this, as these are clearly
demeaning remarks.
RESPONSE: It Is A Full Time Job
Maybe your MIL is someone who always had to work? Nobody chooses
to mop floors, but good for her for going out and having a job.
It sounds as though she may have been brought up to always have
a job. By the way, referring to such work as "demeaning"
does you no favors. Perhaps she thinks you're snobbish and
that you look down on her from your house whilst she cleans.
Lots of us have done work like that at some point in our lives.
It isn't demeaning, and attitudes like yours towards it are rather
rude.
RESPONSE: It Is A Full Time Job
How disrespectful of her to say those things about you. She
is putting down your life. That is what you do day in and
day out, by her demeaning it, she is belittling your very existence.
Tell her to butt out. I think that being a stay-at-home is
an extremely important job. You are setting your children
up for life with a solid basis that tells them that they come first.
Tell the old bag to screw herself and, "In the future, if you
don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
She should not be saying these things about you, or to you.
It is rude, and none of her business. Call her on it.
Stick up for yourself to her face. Good luck.
RESPONSE: It Is A Full Time Job
I have often found that those people who think that being a SAHM
isn't "real" work are jealous because THEY weren't able
to do it. I, too, am a SAHM and my day never ends. I
left my job when my first child was born. My ILs have made
rude comments, and assumed I did nothing all day but watch soaps
and spend DH's money. At first I felt insecure and felt the
need to defend myself, but after about a month, I washed my hands
of the whole thing. Why should I have to defend my actions?
YOU and I both know what we do all day. They do not.
There's a lot more to being a SAHM than changing dirty diapers.
Plus, YOU get to be there for your kids' important milestones.
Please, get DH to speak to them. Also, keep repeating to yourself,
"It's THEIR problem." Try not to let them get to
you. Good luck!
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I'm just wondering if
anyone else out there has had this problem: The ILs (from
out of state) have frequently invited themselves for a visit around
the holidays. As long as I have ample notice, I really don't
mind them coming. However, now that they've moved a bit closer
(but still out of state), and we actually had the opportunity to
invite them for Thanksgiving ourselves, we got absolutely no response!
After writing them several times, we finally heard back that they
don't like to travel around the holidays (what about all those other
years - hello??), and they "probably" won't be able to
make it! We thought it was terribly rude after all the times
that they imposed on our hospitality without a thought to whether
or not we REALLY wanted them. And, now that we DO want them,
they're not interested!! How's that for flaky relatives??!!
Signed - Confused
RESPONSE: Confused
Sympathy. How frustrating!
RESPONSE: Confused
Baffling. Must everything be on their terms?
RESPONSE: Confused
Well, you offered and they told you no, so let it stick at that.
Don't allow them to come at the last minute either.
RESPONSE: Confused
Tell them so. It is rude for them to do that. If they
didn't want to come, they should have just told the truth.
Their half-baked excuse is just that, an excuse.
RESPONSE: Confused
They're not flaky, they're in control of you! You didn't invite
them, they invited themselves, and you still catered to them.
You took the initiative and invited them, and you took their control
away from them. That's why they didn't respond at first.
They finally told you no because then they still have control over
you. I'm sorry, but your first problem was letting them get
away with it in the first place. If you don't want them ever
again for holidays, invite them. They don't seem to like that.
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Working Women Don't Have Wives