Mother-In-Law Stories January 12, 2003

January 12, 2003

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	Worst gift: As the rest of my family unwrapped very nice gifts from my MIL, I waited in anticipation to open mine. My SIL had just opened a gorgeous sweater from a well known, upscale store. My package was smaller (jewelry?), and I opened it with a smile on my face. What I pulled out of my gift box was a leather, ADJUSTABLE belt! It really sucked. Signed - ADJUSTABLE Belt RESPONSE: ADJUSTABLE Belt Well, boohoo, so might you. RESPONSE: ADJUSTABLE Belt Clue me in here. What other kinds of belts are there, besides adjustable ones? I'm sure I'm misunderstanding your post by thinking that you sound a bit difficult and hard to please. I think I'd be awfully nervous when shopping for you. RESPONSE: ADJUSTABLE Belt Some belts aren't cheap. I really think that perhaps they didn't know your size, so they played it safe. It is difficult to buy clothing for other people (like SIL), so maybe they thought a belt was innocuous? Maybe? RESPONSE: ADJUSTABLE Belt Not to sound too mean, but at least she got you something. At least it wasn't used dish towels like some of the other women on this site get. Guess that you know for the future not to splurge on her! RESPONSE: ADJUSTABLE Belt I am absolutely disgusted by your post. What is wrong with an "adjustable" leather belt? It wasn't plastic, was it? Should it have been custom-fitted for you? Does the fact that it was "adjustable" mean it couldn't have been purchased in a store that was sufficiently upscale for you? You don't say whether SIL is your MIL's daughter, or the wife of another son. If it is her daughter, then heck, yeah, she might choose to spend a little more on her daughter than her DIL. And, there's nothing wrong with that. Do you realize that there are women who have posted here who receive used, broken, stained things, or worse, insulting thing as gifts? Some of the women here have received things like divorce papers as gifts from their MILs! Many of them get NOTHING. I have to say it: GROW UP.
	I have had my share of problems with MIL that I have shared on this site. Now, the problem has turned to DH. He thinks that his mother is perfect, and keeps asking what my problem is with her. Maybe he should ask her what her problem is with me! She is the one who talks behind my back, and doesn't even have 5 seconds to talk to me on the phone. She's the one who forgets me on my birthday and on holidays, and she is the one going around telling people that my husband and I are on the verge of divorce. So, here he is acting like his mom is perfect, but every time he talks to her on the phone he gets into a really bad mood and I am the one who has to put up with it. Signed - Imperfect DIL RESPONSE: Imperfect DIL If you take care of his family for birthdays and Christmas gifts - stop it. Leave everything to him, since they don't remember you. And, when he gets on the phone with his mom, leave the house to go do something and leave him alone with his bad mood. It'll give him time to think about things! Good luck. RESPONSE: Imperfect DIL On the verge of a divorce? What has he told her that he hasn't told you? Could you go to counseling with him and get things out in the open? RESPONSE: Imperfect DIL Without emotion, point out what MIL is doing to you. Stick to the facts, and try to point them out as she is doing it. RESPONSE: Imperfect DIL It sounds like he is a mama's boy. It sounds like he takes his frustrations with her out on you. Tell him to get his priorities straight, and stick up for yourself. DH doesn't mind that she spreads nasty rumors about his marriage? That's screwed up. RESPONSE: Imperfect DIL Counseling. You may think that this is really not a terribly serious marital problem at this point, but that's where it's heading. You and DH will honor your marriage if you get help smoothing out this issue now (before more resentment and damage occurs, and it gets even harder to work out).
	During the first two years of my marriage, my MIL and I had a good relationship. That was up until I took her out to dinner on Mother's Day. During the dinner, she appeared agitated with me, thanking only my husband for the dinner. The next day, I called her and asked why she had been so rude to me. Her response was, "Maybe it was the red dress you wore last night." Since that time, I have tried to put that event behind me, but my MIL has continued to say things that are hurtful, for no apparent reason. When I was in the hospital two years ago, she called me two hours after my C-section and expressed her anger that she hadn't been notified of the baby's arrival. Never once did she ask me how I was or how I was feeling. I am, once again, pregnant and due in three weeks. My MIL hasn't seen me in three months, and again, never asked how I was, or anything about the pregnancy. This time, I called her on it, and I told her that I was tired of her trying to make me feel badly. Her husband jumped in and was very apologetic. He said that it "wasn't intentional". My MIL started to cry, and stated that she was a "bad person". I am at a loss as to how to respond to her. I have distanced myself from her to stay out of harm's way. I just have a hard time dealing with the fact that she is a very hard working, successful, beautiful woman, but feels the need to knock me down. I just don't understand her behavior. Any suggestions?? How do I deal with this? I want her to be in her grandchildren's lives. I hate having a bad relationship with her, but I just can't stand to be around negativity. Any suggestions?? Signed - Living in Hope RESPONSE: Living in Hope By stating that "she is just bad and you have to live with it", she closed up a conversation. Don't let her get to you this way. The next time she mentions this, tell her that you do not give privileges (like being with your child, help, or anything) to bad people. And she has to come to terms with it. RESPONSE: Living in Hope To me, the answer is obvious! She is JEALOUS of you. I would simply sit her down and explain the situation. You could say, "In the past, you have done xyz. This is disrespectful and hurtful. I would like for you to have a relationship with your grandkids, but if your behavior continues, then it won't be possible." Then, let her explain herself. And make your husband back you up. If she treats you poorly, don't put up with it! RESPONSE: Living in Hope You paid for a meal for her on Mother's Day and she responded RUDELY to you because she didn't like your clothes? Well, that would be the LAST time I take her anywhere. I hope you put her in her place after that incident. Why do you care if she likes you or not? Obviously, she doesn't. Why even try? If it makes you feel better, tell her how you feel, and that it is stressing you out. See how she handles that. Frankly, the comment about the dress should have been an indication of her lack of respect for you. Spend your time and energies on people who respect and care about you. You deserve it. Good Luck. RESPONSE: Living in Hope Two things: (1) DON'T let MIL manipulate you or your DH with her tears and her self-recriminations. They ARE a manipulation, though she may not do it consciously. When someone responds to valid, appropriately expressed criticism with tears and self-recriminations, it manipulates the other person into silence, when they in fact have a right to speak their mind and express THEIR feelings. Don't back down. You can say that you don't want to make her feel badly, that you are only trying to express your own feelings gently and fairly, and that you hope she can try to hear you without making you feel badly for expressing valid feelings that you need to be able to tell her. (2) Maybe MIL is "negative", but she is your MIL, and you can't really shut her out just because you have a hard time dealing with different types of personalities. Put some muscle into it and learn to deal with her negativity as only part of who she is. For DH's sake, and your children's, you can learn to embrace some things that are good in your relationship with MIL and put aside the bad. It's hard work, but it can be done. Best of luck.
	OK. Here's the latest. My 4 year old DD just received a birthday gift in the mail. It was a "combined" gift from MIL, her husband, SIL, her partner, their 20 month old daughter (DD's only cousin), and DH's elderly grandmother. The gift was a soft cover book and a little metal box (cute, the inexpensive sort). Both of the gifts were very nice. Please don't get me wrong. It certainly doesn't matter how much they spent on the gift, it is the thought that counts. But that thought was from 6 people???????????????? The clincher is that it looks like they purchased this gift when my MIL took my SIL and her DD overseas to visit great-grandmother so that they could "get the 4 generations of girls together". What about our DD? She doesn't count? I'm glad that they all got together and thought of our DD for this gift. It makes me furious. My DH says that he doesn't care, and that it just means that he isn't required to put any thought or money into their gifts. That's what he says, but that is not what life is about. We have always been VERY generous in the past, not only with cost, but with hand-me-downs and putting in a lot of thought in general. What do you think of this? I was thinking that, for the thank you note (I was raised to always send one), that I would purchase a very nice card and send it to the great-grandmother (she's half-blind, homebound and a very kind person), and then send PHOTOCOPIES to SIL and MIL. Dare I? Or am I sinking to their level? Thanks for your help. You have helped me so much in the past! Signed - Spitting Nails RESPONSE: Spitting Nails That sounds like an excellent idea! RESPONSE: Spitting Nails I bet the reality is that one person bought the gift and ONE person only thought about your DD. That person then added the other names. RESPONSE: Spitting Nails I would send the thank you note to the same address that the gift came from, and list all their names on it. Don't stress over it, it's not worth it. RESPONSE: Spitting Nails Four generations of GIRLS in THEIR family, meaning great grandmother, grandmother, mother and daughter. I understand what you are trying to say, but your DD is from a male in the family. I do not think this is a slight, but we have to understand that we are DILs, not daughters. At least they bought her a gift. Most in-laws won't do that. RESPONSE: Spitting Nails My advice? Don't send a thank you note. Everyone goes wrong with gifts now and then. I don't know ANYBODY who hasn't. Even people who are usually great at gift-giving. It might have been a kind thought that went awry. If you really hate it, just "forget" the thank-you note. You don't want to perpetuate resentful insincerity. Just let it go. They won't think anything of it, since half the people don't bother with thank-you notes anyway, even when they really appreciate a gift! Forget about it, and give them another chance. Poor gifts don't ALWAYS reflect bad feelings, and sometimes people redeem themselves later with great gifts. I really think that we have to cut each other a lot of gift-giving slack, because we all screw up. But some of the gifts on this web site have been TRULY awful - I don't mean those! If there is true malice and hatred behind them, that's another story. But that doesn't sound like the case here. RESPONSE: Spitting Nails First, yes, you are sinking to their level with photocopying the thank you. Don't get me wrong - I think doing it is a TERRIFIC idea. But, that puts us at the bottom with them, doesn't it? Send a gracious thank you and be done with them. Good luck. RESPONSE: Spitting Nails Don't sink to their level by photocopying the thank you note. Be happy that now you know how to deal with them in the future. Your DH is right: Don't worry about putting a lot of thought or money into gifts that you give them in the future. RESPONSE: Spitting Nails I am sure that you will hear from people on this web site who will think that you are stooping to their level and being petty by sending one thank-you note and photocopies of that note to the others. But, I can understand where you are coming from, because my in-laws are ultra cheap AND thoughtless towards my kids. After taking their cr@p for YEARS, I am fed up and have decided that I won't take it anymore. It isn't the money issue - it is the principle, and that they take me for a "sucker". If I were in your shoes, I would just send ONE thank-you note to the grandma. And, at the bottom, I would add a P.S. telling her to please thank everyone else for the gift, too! I just don't see why you have to send out a bunch of separate thank-you notes when it doesn't seem like they put very much thought into the gifts! Also, all that time and postage of yours is also worth something! RESPONSE: Spitting Nails A 20 month old baby CAN'T have a gift thought or purchase on his/her own. The elderly grandma possibly needs help shopping, and may be past the years of having a comfortable excess of disposable income. It would have been nice if SIL and her partner put the effort into a gift of their own, but if they didn't, maybe MIL felt bad and included them because they themselves didn't bother on their own. Even if you disregard these things and say that the gift was skimpy, how would stooping to that level make it any better? Regardless of the generosity in those around you, if you make your own heart tight and stingy, your life can NEVER be filled with anything but tightness and stinginess. RESPONSE: Spitting Nails I understand where you're coming from. Something very similar happened with me. My great-great-grandmother was still alive back when I was 7, and I remember that she, her daughter (my great-grand-mother), her granddaughter (my maternal grandmother), my mother, my aunt , my 2 girl cousins and I all went away for a quiet visit to her native village to spend a month together. It was supposed to be a kind of "girls' vacation" with 5 generations of daughters together on that trip. Unfortunately, the sons' daughters were not invited (on purpose). I still don't know which of them came up with that idea - maybe my grandmother did. She made it very clear that it was "The girls I came from and the girls who came from me" kind of "theme" holiday. Please don't get me wrong , it's just that some people have strange ideas, and don't stop to think that the others in the family would be hurt by them. It was nice of them to think of your DD on their trip, and I think that they meant well, though the way they expressed their thought SUCKED!!! RESPONSE: Spitting Nails I guess that this was your ILs way of showing inclusiveness, whatever that means to them. Send it to the person who mailed it to you (if you can figure that out). And the letter should be addressed Dear X, and the others.

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