Mother-In-Law Stories February 8, 2003

February 8, 2003

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	My MIL told my husband that she thought that she should have visitation rights. When my husband told me, I flipped. She has no rights to my child. I had invited her over the week before in an attempt to make things better. I thought that she might even apologize for yelling at me on a street corner downtown. She had told me that, because I married her son and took his last name, I should do things her way. Excuse me? So I called her and asked her if she had been to a lawyer. She said no, and that she wasn't going to see one. She is just sooooo depressed. She can't take her counselor's advice and leave us alone. She just doesn't know why. But, she feels that it is her right to see her grandchild. It is not a right, and why would I want an unstable, disrespectful person in my life? Finally, my husband realizes how terrible his mother's behavior is. Signed - Leave Us Alone RESPONSE: Leave Us Alone Grandparents rights are almost nonexistent. Only if your husband died would she have a claim. So, rest easy on that point. Try to change phone numbers or something. RESPONSE: Leave Us Alone She sounds like she needs some medication to go along with the counseling. Maybe your DH could encourage her to go in a direction that will help her more. RESPONSE: Leave Us Alone If MIL wants to start splitting hairs, remind her that DH's last name isn't hers either - it's her husband's last name, hence HIS family's. RESPONSE: Leave Us Alone I'm sure that you know this, but I'm going to say this anyway: NEVER, EVER, LEAVE YOUR CHILD, OR ANY OTHER CHILD, ALONE WITH YOUR MIL. RESPONSE: Leave Us Alone No, you DON'T have to do things her way because you married her son. She needs to BACK OFF. Sorry. A little venting of my own, there. I guess there's a lot more to your story, but it sounds stressful. Your MIL irritates ME, just from the little you wrote. RESPONSE: Leave Us Alone One thing that isn't crystal clear: You and DH are NOT divorced - you are together, right? I have NEVER heard of a grandparent wanting visitation rights to see a grandchild who is a product of a marriage that is not broken! Be careful though, you never know what hungry lawyer might get excited at the opportunity to set a precedent and change case law! He might want to pioneer the first case in establishing grandparent visitation (in a non-divorce situation)! RESPONSE: Leave Us Alone Sadly, I have heard stories on the news about grandparents taking their kids to court and gaining grandparents visitation rights. And, sadly, the judges have no clue half the time about the real story. So, yes, if the judge decided so, your MIL could have rights to your child. I would check everything out with a lawyer just to be on the safe side. You know the saying, "Better safe than sorry!" RESPONSE: Leave Us Alone Stick to your guns. There are no "grandparent's rights", nor should there be. As parents, we have the right to say who can and can't interact with our children. How cruel to think that we would have to sit by and see our own children victimized and abused by the same people we were hurt by!
	OK, my MIL has finally stopped harassing us with phone calls when she is drunk and depressed, or just lonely and needing someone to complain to. When my husband called her to tell her that he was going to visit her the weekend before Christmas, she wasn't too impressed. She just said, "Ya, ok. Whatever." If my husband doesn't do what she wants, she acts indifferent towards him. I told him yesterday that it is called manipulation. He isn't giving in to her selfishness anymore. His brother left the country for a while, and MIL has no one to boss around anymore. If it wasn't BIL, it was us. It was hard to get her out of our lives, and she is still there, unresolved, in the background. If I go to see her on Christmas, I don't think that there is any way that I could be pleasant. She has just done and said way too many stupid things to us. She was so happy when we said that we didn't want anything to do with FIL. But, if it's her, well, that's different. We have no choice. Whatever. Her neediness put her exactly where she was afraid of being. Oh, it would be nice if she could just have her own life. Signed - It Is Called Manipulation RESPONSE: It Is Called Manipulation It's also called alcoholism. It sounds like MIL is long overdue for some "tough talk" about her problem. RESPONSE: It Is Called Manipulation But manipulating you-all IS her life!! Maybe if you all stop participating in her game, she will find another. Good luck to you. It sounds like you are on the right track! RESPONSE: It Is Called Manipulation Did you go to her house for Christmas? How did it go? I had a relentlessly stressful, unpleasant time with my in-laws. But, my husband's an only child, and it would just be too cold not to go even at holidays. I feel they'd be happier and I would, too, if he just went by himself. I wish we could start THAT tradition.
	When my first nephew turned 3 (nine years ago), my MIL turned to us and our friends at the party and announced how selfish we all were that we didn't have children of our own who could play with the nephew. My husband and I had just finished college! Another time, she informed me that I would be hosting FIL's birthday party. I would have to provide the house, cooking, and everything else, and she would pay me back. Guess what? I never got paid back. Also, I had to house 3 of the guests, as they had flown in for the occasion. Thanks! I have nursed both of our daughters for more than 15 months. I did this for health reasons - both theirs and mine. Yet, I keep hearing things like this from her, "You know, there is no medical reason to keep nursing after 12 months." Yes there is - check the World Health Organization. Also, "If you weren't nursing, we could put you up in a hotel (in the town where they live) while we take care of the children." That irritates me because she makes it sound like I am punishing myself somehow for doing what I think is morally right for my children. She called on our anniversary to announce that we (DH, 2 daughters and I) should fly out for Thanksgiving and they (FIL and MIL) would stay with us for 2 weeks for Christmas. OK, when do I get to see my mom and dad? This idiot was in tears for 2 weeks, not understanding why I would possibly want to spend a holiday away from her, and instead with my own parents. Happy Anniversary! There are more stories. She will be arriving on Broomstick Airways soon, and staying for a week. She has already screwed things up by telling me that the toy she promised to get for my 4 year old daughter was too large for her to get - could I pick it up? Sure, I'll just drag my two kids everywhere looking for this toy a week before Christmas. And, I'm sure that they won't suspect anything. DUH! She also ruined my 15 month old daughter's present by getting her the same thing that I told her I had bought. Double DUH! Where does she get these ideas? They must have a convention that they attend to come up with ways to piss me off. Last night I went to 3 stores looking for that particular toy - they're sold out! Gee, 7 days before Christmas and the most popular toy this year is sold out. What were the chances? So, I drove around, making up new lyrics to Christmas Carols that feature how much I hate my MIL. Signed - Very Disgruntled DIL RESPONSE: Very Disgruntled DIL MIL is going to call you selfish no matter what you do, so you might as well give her some REAL reason to complain. From now on, proceed just as if she didn't exist. Wear earplugs if necessary. RESPONSE: Very Disgruntled DIL Hugs and support to you. Your MIL, as so many do, seems to feel the need to mistreat and disrespect her IL as a way of feeling more important herself. Pitiful. Mine has behaved like this, too. It is hard to believe how these MILs bring so much unhappiness into their own life and the lives of those they claim to love because of their petty, childish insecurities. It would be so much easier on EVERYONE to just be reasonable, decent, and NICE! RESPONSE: Very Disgruntled DIL Good for you keeping up the nursing. The AAP (finally!) came out with recommendations 5-6 years ago. I paraphrase: NOTHING but breastmilk (or formula - if you CANNOT breastfeed) for 6 months. No water, no "tastes" of grandma's ice cream - nothing. Then, continue nursing for at least another 6 months. After that, continue for as long as is mutually (that is mother and child - not MIL) agreeable. Breastfeeding also reduces your risk of breast cancer. My MIL gave good lip service to the idea of breastfeeding, but she sniffs whenever she sees me nursing our little ones. DH told her that the average age of weaning worldwide is 4 years. This includes the women who breastfeed for 4 days while in the hospital and then give up. MIL doesn't say much about breastfeeding anymore. RESPONSE: Very Disgruntled DIL You crack me up! I wish I could hear some of those Christmas songs. Well, here are some bones to pick with your MIL for starters: She TOLD you that you would be hosting your FIL's birthday and people FLEW to be there? For a BIRTHDAY party? For an ADULT? And, they had to stay overnight at your house, and it wasn't even your idea? And, about the breastfeeding: My feeling is that she's jealous. It's a very intimate thing that you share with your child. Either she's jealous of that alone, or she didn't breastfeed her own children and she's jealous because of THAT, or she feels threatened. She sounds like a pain in the ass. I'd be singing those Christmas carols, too. How is it that these women reach middle age and beyond, but they are so far from being grown up? RESPONSE: Very Disgruntled DIL She sounds very controlling and needy. Kudos to you, BTW, for sticking with nursing as long as you wanted, and not listening to your MIL's nonsense. Like you would want to leave your children alone with her, under any circumstances!! She doesn't sound like a very safe influence on your kids, or anyone else for that matter. As for the present thing, don't allow her meddling and incompetence to mess things up for you. Suggest that she just give you the money for gifts, and you do the shopping. That way you will be sure to get what they want in a timely fashion. This is what we do with my father, and it works well. But, my ILs didn't want to do that. They just continued to ask for suggestions, and then they would get something totally different! So, we just stopped giving them gift ideas. They send them terrible gifts, but it's not MY problem anymore - it's theirs. Just stop bailing her butt out when she screws up, and she will realize on her own that she needs to do things your way or else end up looking like a fool (like my ILs!!).
	I need advice. My problem is with my ILs. Let me give you a little background. My DH's family is different than mine, and that is OK, because families are supposed to be different shapes and sizes, and have different income. I do not come from a low income family. As a matter of fact, my parents do extremely well. I grew up being used to having better things. I do not consider myself spoiled because I know what it is to work and pay my own way in the world. My DH's family, on the other hand, are scraping and can't afford to do what they want. I chose not to go that route in life, and I hope to do as well as my parents did for themselves. They worked for it, and taught me the meaning of working for what you want. Well, after DH and I were married and moved to different state for his job, I decided to go to school full time. DH doesn't expect me to work, and fully pays for my education. The ILs don't seem to like this, and are always asking me about when I'm getting a job. I believe that they think I'm a little spoiled princess who doesn't know how to work. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't a college education lead you to better jobs? The other thing is that MIL, who is nice, doesn't work at all. FIL seems to be afraid that I'm using his son for money, like that's the reason that I married him (yeah, right). Is there something wrong with a husband supporting his wife through school so that we both will eventually have careers of our own. I just want to put my all towards school, and get it done as quickly as possible. I'm not really good at balancing both and school and a job. Some people can work full time and make straight As, but that just isn't me. I have asked DH, from time to time, if he thinks that I need to get a job, and he says no, he wants me to go to school. I just feel badly sometimes that I may be coming across as a spoilt brat, whose husband is sending her through school. When I think about it, I think that I just have a really good man who loves me and wants the same things that I want. If I had the job first, I would definitely put him through school. I mean, why not? It's for a better future. I'm not sure, but I think that his father thinks that I'm using his son. When I met DH, he was the broke one, and I was the one with the full time job and money saved. When we got married, I paid for my own car and paid for most of the house furnishings that the ILs will be sitting on when they visit. I basically got us on our feet when we first moved in together after getting married. When DH's money started rolling in, I put the rest of my money away into our mutual savings account. Soon after, I started to go to school for what I want to do to - hopefully to put bigger bills into that account. When I was talking to BIL over the phone one evening about going home to visit my family for a week over a holiday break, he quickly asked whose money I was using to get there. I wish that I had told him "our money", but I just simply said that husband was paying. He informed me that I wasn't allowed to use the extra money that husband makes for being married and having a dependent (DH is in the service). I was pretty pissed and wanted to ask him how he became the money manager of my husband's earnings. FIL was asked to send us a part for my car that we couldn't get on the island. But he sent the wrong piece. That is not the problem. When I talked to FIL on the phone to tell him that I would just ask my father to pick it up instead (because he has more chances to pick it up than FIL), he proceeded to tell me that my father wouldn't know what to get. My father was a mechanic most of his life, and fixed most of the my family cars when necessary. I think that because my father now has a big office, FIL thinks that he doesn't know how to get his hands dirty. Not true. And, to top it off, he again asked me when I'm getting a job. AAAAARRRGGGGHhhhh!!!!!!! BIL also calls up, from time to time, to leave loud, drunken messages on our answering machine to inform us that we are not ready for children, "so don't do it". I called BIL to inform him that he was barking up the wrong tree. He seemed to think that just because we're married that we want to have babies, but that is the farthest from what we want in our lives right now. A lot of the females in his family don't seem to understand the concept of enjoying a marriage before adding kids. To be honest, most of them are really young, and wanting children. Hey, if you want kids as soon as you hit puberty, go right ahead. But that is not the only worth that we, as women, have. I think that FIL and BIL are confusing me with their family. They think that I sit on my @ss all day, waiting to get pregnant and not working. When, actually, I'm getting educated and preparing for better future for ourselves and the children that we might have (if that is even what we want). I do work during the summer months. Signed - Going to school full time -vs.- Flipping Burgers RESPONSE: Going to school full time -vs.- Flipping Burgers I would tell them to mind their own damn business! RESPONSE: Going to school full time -vs.- Flipping Burgers You don't have to discuss personal matters with your ILs. Unless you and your husband owe them money, they should stay out of your private financial affairs. Your husband needs to agree not to tell the ILs personal information, and to tell them to butt out when they get too nosy. RESPONSE: Going to school full time -vs.- Flipping Burgers You don't have to discuss personal matters with your ILs. Unless you and your husband owe them money, they should stay out of your private financial affairs. Your husband needs to agree not to tell the ILs personal information, and to tell them to butt out when they get too nosy. RESPONSE: Going to school full time -vs.- Flipping Burgers Stop talking to these people. They aren't listening anyway. As long as you and DH are happy with your finances, what everyone else thinks doesn't matter. RESPONSE: Going to school full time -vs.- Flipping Burgers You and DH should do what you want to do, and ignore comments from your in-laws. It sounds like they're getting to you. Relax and enjoy your life. It's yours, not theirs. Good luck in school. RESPONSE: Going to school full time -vs.- Flipping Burgers First of all, take a deep breath and calm down. You are way too defensive, and by being that way you could be your own worst enemy. You and your DH have made the decision about how you are living your lives. That is your business, and your business only. Stop letting these people and their ideas on how you should live your life prevent you from happiness. You need to learn to not let their comments affect you to such extremes. You will be a lot happier. Best of luck. RESPONSE: Going to school full time -vs.- Flipping Burgers One of the powerful things about a happy and trusting marriage is that it doesn't need to be 50-50 economically all the time - you can take turns being the economic powerhouse, while the other does something else that advances your dreams or goals. The classic example, of course, is the stay-at-home mom. But there are plenty of others. I sat home for 6 months writing a book, and my husband put up $3,000 of his (our!) money to pay for the first printing of 1000 copies. 12,000 copies later, I have my third publishing contract, and that self-published book just brought us $4000 last month - and now my husband's a grad student, making half of what he did when he bankrolled the beginning of my writing career. The point is, it's having the ability to not do things 50-50 all the time that lets married people get farther economically than most singles. Good for you for realizing it, and the he!! with your in-laws! RESPONSE: Going to school full time -vs.- Flipping Burgers Your ILs (all of them) are projecting their own moral values (or lack of same) on to you. Because they didn't get a university education, they think students spend all their time partying and drinking beer. They also fail to realize the connection between work and earning power. How sad that some people have such limited horizons! They also sound like a greedy bunch, so beware!!! My hunch is that when you've finished your education and are earning mucho bucks, they won't hesitate for a minute to let you know that you should be sharing your newfound wealth with them. That will be your cue to smile sweetly and use the two-letter "n" word. RESPONSE: Going to school full time -vs.- Flipping Burgers If the deal you've set up with your DH works for you and DH, then fine. Leave your ILs out of your financials. It is none of their business. If they ask, don't answer. Your money is none of their business. I understand about waiting before having kids. I never wanted kids. Most of my friends look at me like I'm abnormal. The only reason I have DS now is because my birth control failed. However, I was married for over 5 years when DS was born, and my DH is fine with the unplanned DS. My point is that you're in control of when you want to have kids. Don't discuss this with anyone but your DH. Your ILs don't really have a right to say anything about when you're going to, or if you're going to, have kids. RESPONSE: Going to school full time -vs.- Flipping Burgers My DH pays for me to go through school part-time, and the rest of my time is spent caring for our 2 year old DD. I do not feel guilty for "spending" my DH's money, as he is quite a few years older than me, completed 2 degrees, and had better job prospects. Therefore, it made more sense for him to work and for me to care for our child. Also, he sees it as an investment in his future, too, as when I have completed school and am working full time, he can cut back on his work hours to be able to spend more time with our DD. Then my income will be the main one, which I will be happy with too. It is your money also. You're married now, you're a family. Always refer to it as your money, as I'm sure this is how your DH wants it. Ignore his family. RESPONSE: Going to school full time -vs.- Flipping Burgers Why do you care what people think?? If you and DH have talked and made your decisions together, go on with your life and ignore them. The time you waste dwelling on them and complaining could be spent doing the things that make you happy and bring you closer to your goals. Your comment about people who have babies at "puberty" was unnecessary. Just live your life. Get over what people think. If they aren't hurting you with more than talk, they aren't really hurting you at all. RESPONSE: Going to school full time -vs.- Flipping Burgers Sympathy. Two thoughts: You and your DH will have the last laugh - a happy marriage, a good living, and obviously you'll be pulling your weight with a good job. If they're at all decent people in his family, they'll come around. Which leads me to the second thought: If they're NOT decent people, they'll be determined to think badly of you no matter what you do. In that case, maybe you'd like to use a little self-discipline in your attitude towards them. Put some energy into arguing with yourself whenever you start caring too much about what they think. Tell yourself, "Don't worry that they don't approve of me - just so I'm doing my best." It's a sad exercise, trying to get people (like in-laws, especially - gah!) to approve of us, when they never will. If you just accept that they never will, you'll stop being disappointed when they don't. You sound great. You sound like an incredibly clear-headed person, and your DH and you sound close. Your BIL sounds AWFUL, btw. Big sympathy there, too. I think you and your DH will have a good life and prove everybody wrong, but you can't care too much what his family thinks. Be respectful and kind to them, but be distant (if possible) because their negativity towards you might depress you after a while. But, you're an inspiration to me. I wish I were as clear-headed as you are! And, I suspect that I'm quite a few years older than you are. RESPONSE: Going to school full time -vs.- Flipping Burgers You and DH are doing fine. You are in agreement about his working and you going to school, and that is all that matters. You DO NOT have to justify anything you or DH do to the FIL or BIL. They are way out of bounds asking you about whether or not you should work, have children or whatever. IT IS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!!!! Consider yourself blessed that DH is on your side in this. Many people here have clueless DHs who think that their controlling, meddling families are just peachy keen. If BIL asks you who is paying for you to do something, tell him, "THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS." If FIL wants to know when you are getting a job, tell him, "THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS." These people do not have appropriate boundaries, and are used to verbally abusing and pushing each other around - don't play their game. It sounds like you want to be liked and accepted by them, but I don't think that is going to happen. They want to control you, to make you feel small, and to ridicule your choices. If you want them to "like" you, you will have to let them do these things. Don't do it. It sounds like DH and you live at some distance from them. I would try to keep it that way. Avoid them, don't call them unless you really have to, and don't count on them for support or help, because they will just use it against you. You and DH just keep taking care of one another and working hard together to make yourselves a good life, and find other family members or friends for support. Good luck!

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