Mother-In-Law Stories February 25, 2003

February 25, 2003

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	I have not been able to sleep since Christmas. I have to announce to everyone that my wedding is canceled. My MIL was so out of control at Christmas that my family refuses to ever see her again. Under the circumstances, a wedding is impossible. It would be easy to say that she is upset about losing her only son, but without any malice intended, the woman is mentally unwell. She has completely lost her ability to be compassionate. She shows no remorse for her behavior, and has lost her ability to be empathetic. My fiancé loves her very much. Even though he is embarrassed and appalled at her behavior (screaming obscenities at me), he believes that she's still the same loving mother that he had as a child. Since her own family (mother, sisters and brother) will no longer tolerate her behavior, he feels that he has to protect and love her more. After the Christmas from he!!, one of the first things that he said was that if her family found out, they'd hate her more. I don't hate her, I just want her away from me. Her jealousy is unbearable. Her disrespect of my mother is unacceptable. I asked him if we could elope and have a relationship where he could spend as much time with her as he wanted, but where I never have to see her. He believes that she will be fine, and that we should learn to tolerate her. My mother and sisters have dreamed of my wedding for years, and they know that it is impossible. She has ruined all of our holidays, birthdays, and celebrations for three years. We welcomed her because we all love him enough. But he's pushed that love too far by denying that her behavior is unacceptable. I would appreciate any advice from people with similar situations, particularly women married to only sons, and those whose MILs suffer from mental illness. Thanks. I have no interest in trying to salvage a relationship with her. Signed - Miserable RESPONSE: Miserable Don't get married. Your DF is not ready. I know you don't want to hear this, but it is time to move on. RESPONSE: Miserable I am sorry to have to write this, but please don't get married! Marriage is hard enough without any outside complications. This isn't even entirely an "outside" problem. MIL may be off her rocker, but your fiancé is enabling her to wreak havoc in your relationship and your family. It may come from good intentions. That doesn't make it any less harmful. Over time, it will come between you. I wouldn't wish that he!! on anyone! Please, think carefully! RESPONSE: Miserable I'm sure you love your DF and you want to make a happy life with him, but if he is not even willing to make his mother respect you enough to at least be civil towards you, then you have a long and unhappy marriage in your future. RESPONSE: Miserable It must be just terrible to have to tell everyone that your wedding is canceled. I can't imagine how hard that would be. Before you elope, consider this: Do you really want to be married to a man who puts another woman before you? Do you really want to marry into a family that your own family cannot stand? RESPONSE: Miserable It sounds like you still want to marry him. Why can't you still have your wedding, just don't invite her? Would y'all be able to keep it a secret? It sounds like his family (aunts, uncles, cousins) would cooperate. RESPONSE: Miserable I agree with you that you should end the engagement. I have a 19 year old mentally ill son, and I teach classes to relatives on how to cope with their loved one's mental illness. If you're EFH won't acknowledge his mother's behavior, it's very obvious that he is in denial. As long as he's like this, there is no hope. My heart goes out to you, but even though it may not seem like it now, you're going to be much better off. I just hope that he can get some counseling and learn that he CANNOT enable his mother's behavior. Take care. RESPONSE: Miserable I am currently in a situation very similar to yours. My fiancé's mother ruined my Christmas as well, and since then he and I have been on a very stressful road. His mother has disrespected me so badly that I, like you, don't want to salvage the relationship with her. I work with his mother, and we recently purchased a home near hers. I have a bit of resentment toward my fiancé as well. I am considering selling my home and starting over alone. I don't think I should suffer because the man in my life won't stand up and fight for us. If you come up with a solution that makes your relationship salvageable, please help me. Good Luck, Miserable As Well. RESPONSE: Miserable If that's your way of thinking, your MIL has won the battle already! Is this man worth marrying?? If he is, then marry him, and don't worry about his mother. Your fiancé has seen his mother's behavior for many, many years, and he is obviously numb to it. Marry him, love him, and eventually his mother's behavior will start to seem abnormal to him, even if he couldn't see it before. Why let her destroy your life? You said yourself that she's mentally unstable. Let it slide, and move on with your family. RESPONSE: Miserable You have tolerated three years of his unwillingness to build healthy boundaries between himself and his mother, and his refusal to view her with the eyes of an adult and realize her weaknesses/mental illness/etc., and act accordingly. I am not sure what gives you the impression that all of a sudden he will grow a spine and do all the things that a grown man ready to get married usually does. While this postponement may indicate hesitation about commitment on both sides, it may be a blessing in disguise. If you have read many of the postings on this site, you realize that situations like this rarely get better, and even if they do, usually it takes a long time, and a lot of patience and suffering. And, most DILs testify that it is just not worth it. Based on the facts you have provided, your relationship is not heading for marital bliss, or any bliss for that matter. The sooner you get out, the better And, next time, find yourself a MAN not a mama's boy! Sorry to be so blunt, but I would just hate to see you waste any more of your time and emotions on a doomed relationship. Wake up! RESPONSE: Miserable Honestly, it sounds like you are better off without this guy if he is unwilling to consider your feelings when it comes to his mother. Your offer of elopement and avoiding her while he continues to have a relationship with his mother is very, very reasonable. No one deserves to have obscenities screamed at them at Christmas and to have to live in fear of this woman ruining your wedding. Forget it! I know it must hurt, but try to look at the bright side. At least you figured this out BEFORE you married him. I have a toxic MIL too, and luckily, my husband understands (we eloped to avoid her, and I have very little to do with her now). But, if he expected me to put up with her cr@p, I know I'd be filing for divorce in short order. You deserve to be happy. If he isn't willing to reconsider your feelings, move on and find someone else more deserving of your time. Good luck to you. RESPONSE: Miserable All you seem worried about is having to cancel your "wedding", when, in fact, you should really consider canceling your MARRIAGE!! Your DF has a sick relationship with his even sicker mother, and is so deeply in denial about the problems that this is causing, and his mother's illness. There is NO WAY that you should marry him. All he cares about is his mother. He wants to be her savior, her "enabler". You will always come second to his NEED to do for his mother. Do some reading about the damage unstable mothers can do to their sons. Do some reading about unhealthy mother-son relationships. There are some very good books with insight into "emotional incest", which is what appears to be going on here. Your DF needs professional counseling and guidance as soon as possible. DO NOT consider marrying him until he is willing to face the reality of what is going on with his mother, and until he can put your relationship and future life together FIRST in his priorities. Consider yourself lucky that this all blew up now, instead of 5 years down the line when you might have had children involved. Do NOT ignore this or think it will go away. Don't think you can marry DF and let him carry on the same sick relationship with his mother as long as you aren't involved, because it won't work. You will resent the time she saps from your relationship, the abuse she dumps on him, and she will be constantly wanting more, more, more. She will take every chance she can to intrude on you, push you aside, and minimize your importance in DF's life. In her eyes, YOU are the enemy. YOU are her rival. It is that simple, and that is sick. PLEASE GET HELP!!!
	Oh my gosh! I cried when I read some of these stories. I'm not alone! It's all way too familiar. The whole mama's boy thing - my hubby finally smelled the coffee. What a relief it was when he "saw the light". But, his mom still does stuff to make me mad. Stuff that she has said in the past 4 years still makes me mad. Not a day goes by that I don't remember something she's said and I get infuriated all over again. You see, after all these years, I still haven't confronted her or defended myself to her. I've always tried to avoid the confrontation. At first it was because my hubby was a mama's boy and would defend her. Now, it's because she's helped us out a lot financially and I don't want to appear ungrateful. But, when is enough, enough? Do I have the right to tell her to f@#k off!? I almost did it the other day. She tried blaming me for all the tension between us, when the only thing I've ever done is avoid her when she says something that upsets me or hurts me. I've never even looked at her the wrong way! In the beginning she had my husband convinced that I made her feel unwelcome in our home (which we rented from her at the time). I asked him what I did to make her feel so unwelcome, because I honestly had no idea what I had done. He asked her, and she said that one day (2 months prior to this incident) she had called me up and asked if she could borrow a stick of butter. I said sure, and that I would bring it over to her. She said that she would come over and get it (we were right next door). I figured that she was in the middle of cooking or baking something, so I met her at the back door with the stick of butter, assuming that she needed to get right back to what she was cooking or baking. Well, apparently she was coming over to visit, and I so rudely didn't invite her in to talk or offer her anything to drink. Ya know, she told me on several occasions that she could make or break my marriage by taking my side when my hubby would complain about me, and supposedly my hubby would leave me??? Ya, right! She knew that (at the time) he would defend her if I would complain about something that she said that upset me or hurt me, and that we would get in an argument over her. She also says, "Jealousy is no sign of love." However, she gets jealous whenever my hubby and kids spend time with my family. It's so funny!!! My husband was so mad at her the other day. He said that he was gonna disown his family and change his last name to my maiden name just to p!ss her off (because she gets so jealous). I've got so much that I could say, but I do want to leave a little room for other people. I would love to talk to anyone in the same boat! My heart goes out to all the other MIL victims! Signed - One of Many MIL Victims!
	I don't hate my MIL, although we don't have much in common at all. The problem is my husband. He talks to her on the phone for at least an hour every night. This is a fairly recent occurrence. It started about a year ago when my husband began trading stocks for his parents. He said that he had to give them updates. That's one excuse. The others are, "She won't be around much longer (she is 49)," and, "She's married to an asshole," i.e., she is lonely and unsupported. I have tried not to be jealous or paranoid. It JUST BOTHERS ME! I mean, every night for an hour or more! He says that she hangs on the phone and yaks and yaks. This is true. He sometimes tries to end the conversation (a half-@ssed attempt), but she just keeps going like she didn't even notice. Then they talk for another half hour. He thinks that it would be rude to just say, "Oh, gotta go. Bye." So he won't. But, he still calls her, so he obviously enjoys it. I have talked to him about it, and he said that he would try to limit talking to his mother on the phone around me. Key phrase: around me. I told him that I don't want him going outside with the cell phone to do it either, as that is just creepy. I asked him to cut it down to a couple times a week, but he was noncommittal. Any suggestions? Signed - Married to Mom's Boyfriend RESPONSE: Married to Mom's Boyfriend Would you rather she come over to your house every night? Ask him to call mom every day at the same time. Then, go to the gym, take a class, go to the movies, go shopping, or have a drink with some friends. HAVE FUN. He gets his mom fix and you get to have fun. RESPONSE: Married to Mom's Boyfriend My DH complains that his mom calls him every single morning while we lay in bed (we all live in the same house), but he rationalizes it by saying, "I guess when she's gone, I will wish that she could call me every day." I have a feeling that he said something to her about it before and this is what she told him. She always has to use the guilt trip. RESPONSE: Married to Mom's Boyfriend The fact that your DH doesn't think that there is anything unusual about him chatting for an hour every day to his mother leads me to think he has some serious issues with his parents. That whole cutting down on contact "around you" thing would make me nervous, too. Do some reading up on "emotional incest", where parents use their children to fulfill some need that they have. It sounds like your DH never established good boundaries or a healthy adult relationship with his parents, so they are taking advantage of his need to "do" for them, and to get their approval. Once you have read a bit about this, get a book or two for your DH and encourage him to learn about it. It might help him come to terms with his parents in a more adult way. Good luck, it sounds like a very annoying situation!!
	My husband's mom is someone who anyone would think to be a real life Betty Crocker, a fairy tail come true. Behind all this sweetness is an evil little troublemaker! She and I are on a diet. She has always been a little smaller than me, and she started the diet two weeks before me. She is such a junk food junkie that her teeth are rotting out of her head. I've been eating healthily and staying away from sweets and so on. Well, I managed to lose 20 pounds, and she lost 11 pounds. My husband tells me how much better I'm starting to look. And, I've received a lot of compliments from others, so I know that it is really obvious that I've been losing pounds. For Christmas, she bought me two outfits that were not only big, they were three times too big!!! So, considering that I'd gone down a couple sizes, I couldn't help but think that this was a cruel joke or something. She even said, "If they aren't big enough, I'll have to get you something bigger." My husband held the clothes up to me and snickered, "Mom, I think that if anything, she needs a few sizes smaller!" Well, because she started the diet being smaller than me anyway, she responded by offering me the pants that she was wearing. She said that she was too small to be wearing them, and instead of returning what she got me, I could just wear the ones that she is too skinny for now. As we were leaving her house, she said that she was going to stop at our house later to bring Christmas dinner leftovers. Well, she brought two trays of brownies, a container of fudge, a bag of candy bars and other chocolate candies. She also stopped at the store and picked up a Boston Cream pie!!!! Two days later she had returned the clothes that she got for me. In their place were two outfits that were three times too small. And they were in juniors!!! Signed - She And I Are On A Diet RESPONSE: She And I Are On A Diet Woah. Issues. RESPONSE: She And I Are On A Diet I would love to talk to you. I am in the same boat and have no one who understands. RESPONSE: She And I Are On A Diet If that wasn't a blatant attempt to piss you off, I don't know what is. She is so obviously passive-aggressive that she can't admit that she's jealous of the weight you lost. But you deserve congratulations! RESPONSE: She And I Are On A Diet I wouldn't necessarily take this as a MIL vs. DIL thing. It sounds more like a woman obsessed with her weight and who has no confidence in her appearance. Substitute yourself for a friend, coworker, sister, etc. And I think that her reactions would be the same. RESPONSE: She And I Are On A Diet Why are people so hung up on their bodies, clothing, and diets? I hear more women on here complaining about how their MIL did this, that or the other mean thing about their weight or clothing. NEWS FLASH!! Nobody can make you feel bad unless you let them. Why do you waste your time and energy getting upset over this little petty nonsense? If your MIL gives you the wrong size, say, "Oh, thanks," and return it for something that you want. If your MIL sends you sweets that you don't want, say, "Oh, thanks," and give them away to someone else. If your MIL offers you the pants she's wearing, say "Oh, no thank you," and change the subject. Good grief!!! Everything doesn't have to be some big drama!!!

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