March 1, 2003


PLEASE NOTE:  This month, we are introducing 2 alternatives when responding to a story.  In addition to the traditional opportunity to receive feedback, the submitter of the story can choose to simply vent (no feedback), or can choose a simple set of checkbox responses.

	I have been married for nine years.  My in-laws have been so horrible and nasty to me that I can't believe it.  They have dictated to me what I will and will not do.  I married into a family of a different ethnic background, and so that was hard, but I didn't realize just how hard it would be.  I used to do the washing, ironing, dusting, vacuuming and general cleaning.  I took my MIL to the doctors and to the hospital.  I went to the chemist and to the shops for her.  I put her lotto on, and I also just pop to the shop for her to get some milk.  I had to take her to the hospital to see her dad when he was ill.  She sent me to the hospital on my own to give her dad food (in those days I could not speak their lingo).  I had to take her mum and dad to the hospital to see her when she wasn't well.  I busted my @ss to do everything for them.  But, at the same time I was looking after my parent's 2 guest houses, cooking for the people living there (sometimes up to 20) in the morning and evening.  On top of that, I was looking after my own house.  I used to have to cut the lawn for them, and they have large gardens.  I had to clean the windows on the house, and wash and wax her car.  I never got a thanks.  At this time, my husband was stuck up my MIL's butt.  I used to go out, maybe to the shop or to my mum's house, but the next time I went round MIL's house, she would say, "I saw you going out earlier.  I saw you going to the shop earlier.  I saw you going home earlier."  SO WHAT!!!  So, eventually problems arose with my husband, and I left him.  I didn't just leave the town, I left the country.  After a week of him saying, "We will sort things out," I came back.  Nine months later we had a beautiful baby girl.  I nearly died in the hospital while having her, so I did feel a bit rough.  But, every time MIL came to see me, she pushed me into bottle feeding.  I wanted to breastfeed, but MIL kept on and on and on.  One day, in the summer, we were in their garden.  My husband was inside, and MIL said it again, "Bottle feed, and I will keep your daughter here, and look after her."  WELL, THAT WAS IT!!!  I ran inside and started to cry.  I said to my husband, "Please, please tell your mum to stop it, please."  He only had to tell her the once, that was it.  She never said it again.  NEVER!!  But, now they tell me what to do for my daughter.  They told me that while they are alive, my daughter will be married off (even though at this time she was only 8 months old).  I said, "Oh,"  I went home and cried on the phone to my husband.  I never said boo to my in-laws.  I was always polite and I always did what they wanted.  I didn't upset them.  Things grew thin for me, so I started to work 7 days a week.  MIL looked after DD.  Then, one day they decided that they wanted to take my daughter on holiday to their country.  I wasn't having that.  But no one could understand why I wasn't happy about it.  I have been to their country.  The roads weren't safe, and my FIL drove like a looney.  I didn't have a say.  My husband talked me round, after all, it was only for 2 weeks.  So my in-laws went off to book the tickets.  When they got back, they informed me and my husband that they were all going for 1 MONTH.  I could not believe it, nor could my husband.  I tried to stop it, but they still took her.  Then, they told me not to keep phoning to check up, that they would ring us.  At one stage, they hadn't phoned for a week.  I said to my husband, "If they don't phone today, I will call them."  They phoned, and I told them, "Don't ever leave it a week again."  They just LAUGHED.  When they came back, my daughter could not speak English, and we were due to fly out 4 days later on holiday.  So I couldn't understand what my own daughter was saying.  Anyway, things went on.  They doted on my daughter.  But over the years, I have gotten stronger.  I have had rows with them, and today I haven't got time for them.  My husband is less interested in them as well.  I still have a lot to tell you, but it is a whole new story.  If only MILs could stay out of our lives!!!!         Signed - A Hater of MIL!!         ( here is my story ) 0         10         20                                         Strongly Agree                                                              Somewhat Agree                                                              Somewhat Disagree                                                              Strongly Disagree                                                              Please Seek Counseling                                                              Continue on Message Board
	Worst gift:  The worst gift I ever received was from my thoughtful MIL from he!!.  On our wedding day, she showed up in her frumpiest dress and proceeded to give me a picture frame from the dollar store.  Never mind that her wedding gifts to my husband and his FIRST WIFE were a washing machine and dryer, a new bed, new furniture, and money.  I think that she probably spent a grand total of $1.99 on our wedding gift.  The reason for the frumpy house dress was that she thinks that I am "trash" and a "trailer park queen".  The only reason that she thinks I married her son was for THEIR $$$$$$.  Never mind that he is a great guy, and I might love him.         Signed - The Trailer Park Queen of Trash         ( I can top this )         Per the poster's request, no responses collected.
	I married my MIL's baby boy.  I am fortunate, however, that he is a wonderful man who sees eye to eye with me when dealing with dear MIL.  We've actually learned to laugh at a lot of her antics.  I could tell lots of stories about her, but I will share only one today in hopes that how I handled this could help someone else.  DH and I have been married for 8 months, but we have been together for 5 years.  And, for many months prior to our wedding, MIL would call me almost every night and say, "What are you making my son for supper???"  To that I would reply honestly.  She would then evaluate me and my choices, and inform me whether or not her son was going to eat it.  Then, she would give me suggestions on what to make him, and throw some jibes in about how if I really wanted to make him good food, I would have to plan my meals for him in advance, etc.  She would even tell me about his last bowel movement after eating a certain vegetable as a child, and how I shouldn't serve it to him.  Often times I would answer her by saying, "I don't know what is for supper.  Your son is making dinner tonight." But she would ignore that!  Well, I let this drag on for far too long, I admit, because, although DH and I would get a chuckle, it was REALLY starting to bother me.  And, like I said, I was picking my battles and this was pretty small stuff compared to what she is really capable of.  But finally, she called one night with the glorious question, and my response was, in my most patronizing tone, "Well, I am making your son fillet mignon with julienne vegetables and scalloped potatoes.  And while he is eating that, I will be making a chocolate cake for dessert.  But I am really behind because I am making the butter myself.  And after he is done and satisfied, I am going to eat my tuna sandwich in the pantry with the other servants who you think constantly wait on your dear son."  She has never asked me that question again, and DH and I laughed ourselves silly that night!         Signed - What Are You Making My Son For Supper? RESPONSE:  What Are You Making My Son For Supper? Brilliant! RESPONSE:  What Are You Making My Son For Supper? He, he he, he he, he. RESPONSE:  What Are You Making My Son For Supper? LOL.  What a fantastic response.  I bet you wish you'd said it earlier! RESPONSE:  What Are You Making My Son For Supper? I hate your MIL!!!!!  Well, at least you picked a humorous way of dealing with it.
	Okay, here is my MIL story - only, I am the MIL.  Not that my MIL is not a nightmare, she is.  But, that is for another day.  My son called me and said, "I'm getting married in a week, mom."  He was in the service, met a beautiful girl, and proposed.  He asked her to marry him, and asked her to elope.  She said yes, and accepted the ring.  They made plans for a romantic getaway to be married.  DIL couldn't keep the secret.  She told her cousin, who told her sister, who told the mom.  I got the "by the way, since everyone else knows, I am telling you" call.  The mom had heard and decided, "Well, if you are getting married, you can't elope.  You have to be married here so that everyone can see."  So she decided that it will be at their house on such a date, at such a time.  I begged my son, "Please give dad and me time to get there.  We want to see you get married."  So, son says that since they aren't eloping, his romantic dream, he wanted to wait for us - two days.  I spoke to the mom briefly and asked if she wanted addresses for announcements.  "No", she said, she wasn't sending any.  I asked if she minded if we did.  I had nice, formal announcements and address cards for the kids printed - 150 of them.  I asked if they would like any to send to their family and friends.  DIL and mom informed me, "Maybe one, as a keepsake."  So, we dropped everything, left our little ones with family, grabbed DD, and cleaned out our savings to get there in time to see our son start his wonderful new life with a girl who must be wonderful because he chose her.  I told DH that we had to give them something wonderful - they are getting married.  We had to use credit.  I offered to buy her silver, any pattern of her choice.  "No, thank you.  My grandma gave me flatware from a coupon catalogue."  Okay, "You can pick your china pattern, any one you want.  I will give you a service for 8."  "No, thank you.  My sister gave me dishes from a discount department store."  I told DH, "We have to give them a gift.  Our son is getting married."  I found a beautiful crystal pattern.  I got four goblets and had them wrapped so lovely for them.  I told them that I would add two every year until they had a service of 12.  Also, before we left for the 27 hour trip to the wedding, I spent two days sorting all my pictures and I split them in half.  I put any picture that had my son in them into a leather album.  And, the night before the wedding, I gave it to DIL so that I could share with her the part of my son that had been mine.  So, my DIL informed me later (she was mad at DS) that I ruined her wedding because she had to wait two days so that we could be there.  And, the crystal goblets that I gave her were cr@p glasses.  If we couldn't afford to send them a big $$ gift and come to the wedding, then we should have stayed home and sent the $$ that we spent on the trip.  This girl broke my heart, and I will never split pictures with another as long as I live.  Now, like I said, my MIL is a nightmare.  In fact, my best friend said that she feels sorry for me because I got the MIL and the DIL from he!!.  But, that is another story.         Signed - I Got the MIL and the DIL!! RESPONSE:  I Got the MIL and the DIL!! MIL.  It sounds like you need to back off.  If all the people around you think that you are evil, maybe it isn't them.  Maybe it's YOU!! RESPONSE:  I Got the MIL and the DIL!! I think that your story reminds us that sometimes no matter what your relationship (MIL or DIL), no matter what you do, sometimes you just can't win.  Good luck.!! RESPONSE:  I Got the MIL and the DIL!! My heart goes out to you.  That was incredibly stupid and rude behavior on the part of your DIL.  Hopefully, things will improve, and she was just a mess from wedding jitters?  One can only hope!! RESPONSE:  I Got the MIL and the DIL!! Wow.  That really is horrible!  I hope that some day you get the chance to see what your DS sees in her.  Because, otherwise, I pity you!!! RESPONSE:  I Got the MIL and the DIL!! Wow I never thought I would be agreeing with a MIL, but I have to say that I truly feel for you.  She sounds like a nasty girl, and probably doesn't deserve your son.  In fact, would you be my MIL? RESPONSE:  I Got the MIL and the DIL!! I don't understand why the DIL was mad because she had to wait two days for you and your DH to attend the wedding.  That seems kind of mean.  The same with your gift to her.  The pictures idea was sweet, too.  All I can suggest is to stay out of their lives until you're invited in.  It will only cause you stress and heartache.  Good luck.!! RESPONSE:  I Got the MIL and the DIL!! Oh, you poor thing.  I wish you could be my MIL. RESPONSE:  I Got the MIL and the DIL!! How I wish you were my MIL! RESPONSE:  I Got the MIL and the DIL!! That is horrible for your DIL to act that way!  Your son must be blinded by love, or something like that!  Your actions just show that you are the better person. RESPONSE:  I Got the MIL and the DIL!! Wow - if you were my MIL, I'd be thrilled!  You did nothing wrong by asking to postpone the wedding for 2 days to see your son get married.  I'm thinking that either things that were said by the DIL were blown out of proportion, or she's not good at handling stress.  When things calm down, visit them or have them visit you.  Maybe, at that time, things will be different.  Just know that you did the right thing. RESPONSE:  I Got the MIL and the DIL!! Sorry, but it sounds like you should be upset with your son most of all.  Stay out of it, and be there to pick up the pieces.  You have such wonderful intentions, and you have undoubtedly learned from your own MIL how NOT to be bad.  But, our children do not always choose as we would, and I believe that you may be imposing your own values on the couple.  Dishes and crystal are just not that important to everyone.  And DIL's tacky comments sound like the result of immaturity and emotions - give her a break and back off.  Good luck.! RESPONSE:  I Got the MIL and the DIL!! The rest of your story is awful, and I really feel for you.  I wanted to say, though, that if my MIL had formal wedding announcements printed like you did, I would be quite offended.  I would feel like they were being controlling and making my marriage all about them.  I hope that, in the future, you can try to love your DIL for who she is, even if you don't like her! RESPONSE:  I Got the MIL and the DIL!! She really told you those things?  That's terrible.  I'm so sorry.  Thank you for sharing your story with us.  If you get even one mean response from someone who is just a purely hateful person, I apologize for her in advance.  I can understand that your DIL and DS might be frustrated to be talked into having a different kind of wedding than they wanted, but to be so blatantly rude to ANYONE is just inexcusable, even if she completely misunderstood you.  I'm sorry that you have the MIL and DIL from he!!, and hope, very much, that you have some other source of happiness.  I fight a lot of depression over my own in-law issues, so I truly hope you have some pretty strong sources of happiness and satisfaction.  I guess that you should just distance yourself from them, if that's what she so clearly wants.  Send nice cards at holidays?  My heart truly aches for you.!! RESPONSE:  I Got the MIL and the DIL!! Speak to your DS alone, and tell him that you want to be friends with DIL.  Ask DS what it is you can do to make it up to DIL.  Don't bring up the past or how your feelings were hurt.  You are just interested in building a strong future.  It could be that DIL has heard soooo many stories of awful MILs that she doesn't see you as a good MIL.  By the way, under the circumstances I don't think that it was out of line of you to ask to postpone the wedding for two days.  However, they could have said no, and you would have had to deal with it!! RESPONSE:  I Got the MIL and the DIL!! Let me see if I have this straight.  Your son rushes into marriage and doesn't seem to care if family is involved.  You decide that you want to be there, ask if they want announcements, expensive silver, china, goblets, whatever.  They say NO.  You spend a ton of money on things that they don't want, and then you complain about how much money you spent and how these things were not appreciated by your son and his wife.  You KNEW that they didn't want them, so WHY did you do those things?  All I can conclude is that you did them for yourself to fill some need that you have, because they surely didn't want that.  Sorry, you sound like one of those mothers who think that they know what's best for their child without ever taking into consideration what the CHILD wants.  Why don't you try listening to your son for once?!

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