March 13, 2003


PLEASE NOTE:  This month, we are introducing 2 alternatives when responding to a story.  In addition to the traditional opportunity to receive feedback, the submitter of the story can choose to simply vent (no feedback), or can choose a simple set of checkbox responses.

	First off, I just wanted to say that I'm glad that I found this web site, because now I know that I'm not the only one going crazy.  I'm not married yet, but my boyfriend and I have been together for four years.  I'm his first girlfriend.  His first date was when he was in his 20s.  So, throughout his teen years, his mother has been his only girl.  His mom loves him sooo much and depends on him for everything.  She has a husband whom she constantly ignores.  When my boyfriend and I come to visit, his mom will talk to only him.  She ignores me, her husband, and her other kids.  My boyfriend is like the child prodigy of the family.  She almost treats him like he is the husband, because in four years, the most that I've heard his mom say to her husband was, "Are you gonna eat?"  It was my first trip with my boyfriend's family.  His mom made it known that she had to go out of her way for me.  She kept telling me, over and over, that she had to rent a van so that everyone could fit, because usually "her family" can fit in the car.  She also let me know that she had to spend more money on another hotel room because she couldn't bear the idea of us sleeping in the same room!  When she found out that I was sick, she asked me, "So, how come you came with us?"  The whole time she kept saying, over and over, that her family is torn apart, and it is not the same anymore.  The only person whom she talked to the whole time was my boyfriend, and she only talked about other people (gossip).  So, during the whole trip, my boyfriend and I barely talked, and I was so sick and not feeling well.  Then, I got him sick, and I gave him my medicine.  His mom kept telling him not to take it, because it will make him sleepy.  She ran through the stores looking to find her son the right medicine.  In general, she is a witch.  These are not the only stories that I have.  She talks a lot about my family, and says that we can't handle our budget correctly.  My boyfriend's family owns a store, and every time someone comes in there to talk about my boyfriend and me, she tells them that we aren't going to last, and that it is just puppy love.  And, she never calls my boyfriend by his name.  She calls him "her son".  Even now, when my boyfriend is so much older, she won't let him go on family trips with my family.  One time, she cried because my boyfriend and I left her house because we were going to my house.  She always tells us not to have sex.  And, when we are at the apartment, she literally calls every hour to see what we are doing.  One time, she called in the morning and I answered the phone.  She said, "What are you doing there, isn't it early?"  So, she kept my boyfriend on the phone for two hours until I left.  I get so frustrated with my boyfriend, because he is so afraid to hurt her feelings.  She gives him a big guilt trip.  She says, "I gave birth to you.  You are part of my family.  I give you money."  I also get mad because he lies to her about us just to keep her happy.  I am afraid of the future (when we are married).  Is our family going to be last?  Is she going to demand that he keep driving to her house and fix things?  She knows that she can ask my boyfriend's other brother and sister, and even her own husband.  She doesn't believe that he loves me.  And my boyfriend is in the middle of the two women whom he loves.         Signed - In The Middle Of The Two Women Whom He Loves         ( here is my story ) 0       1 0       2 0       3 0                               Strongly Agree                                                              Somewhat Agree                                                              Somewhat Disagree                                                              Strongly Disagree                                                              Please Seek Counseling                                                              Continue on Message Board
	Frequent Fry Her TM - Hagatha, 1 of 4 needed/Posted: 13-MAR-03 My EX MIL (Hagatha) once said that my daughter looked nothing like her son, so maybe I had been cheating (she used to let him sneak other women into her house, mind you, and she lived NEXT DOOR!!!!!!!!).  BUT, when I left him, she joined up with him to try to take custody of my daughter (who was just a tot).  And, she lied under oath to do it!  She FAILED to take custody from me, but we are stuck with the witch nonetheless.  NOW, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ISSUE OF THE CHILD NOT BEING HER SON'S????????  But, the saga continues.  My daughter is very beautiful, and she looks like her big sister and mommy, but now HAG says she looks just like her son.  I have been dealing with her BS for seven years now!!!!!  Watch for more Hagatha stories!         Signed - My Former MIL Is The Worst, and I Am So Happy That I Found This Site So I Can Vent         ( here is my story )         Per the poster's request, no responses collected. ( I want my own Frequent Fry Her TM Page )
	I just want to know if anyone else thinks that this is stupid as well.  A couple of months before Xmas, I rang my MIL because I did not want any fighting over the Xmas period.  I have phoned her many times to try to resolve the tension between me, MIL and FIL.  She told me then that I had to treat her and FIL the same (I hate FIL) way or she would never be coming to visit.  And, that if I invited only one of them over to visit, then neither would be coming (we live in different countries).  Then, maybe a month or so after this conversation, MIL and FIL invited DH to travel to see them, with them paying for it all.  At no time was my name or my DD's mentioned.  Now, I don't care about seeing them, but I was told by them that either both MIL and FIL were to visit, or neither of them would be coming.  And, yet, they turned around and did this to DH and me!!!!  My DH is going because we cannot afford to pay for his flight over, and he wants to see all of his friends because he has not been to his country for 2 years now.  I am happy for him to go, see his friends and be in his country, but I am disgusted by his parent's attitude.  I feel that I have done more than enough for my DH and his parents, and that the only one suffering is me.  I refuse to live my life this way.  I want to know when is enough, enough?  How much do I have to chase these people to beg them to be in my life, but to also respect me just to make DH happy (when he doesn't seem to care about my happiness)?  I feel that if they can separate him and only think of him as a son, then I can treat them however I please.  I don't want to fight with them anymore.  I just don't want them to bother me anymore.  I get so sad about all of this, and I don't see why I should remember these years with a sad shadow cast over them by people who don't even care about my family.  Could anybody please give me some advice on this?         Signed - Tired By It All RESPONSE:  Tired By It All Tell him to go home and STAY. RESPONSE:  Tired By It All Don't be sad.  Just ignore them.  Don't talk to them, don't talk about them, don't think about them. RESPONSE:  Tired By It All And your husband ACCEPTED that offer???  That's the biggest problem right there. RESPONSE:  Tired By It All It would be very wrong of you to invite one of the in-laws over, and not both.  Your in-laws should invite you to visit with their son, but they shouldn't have to pay for you. RESPONSE:  Tired By It All When the ILs offered to pay for DH's trip, they set a trap for him and he fell for it hook, line and sinker.  If I were in your place, when he returns, I would make sure that the locks are changed and his personal belongings are in storage.  He's as much a part of the problem as the ILs, if not more. RESPONSE:  Tired By It All I am tiger, hear me roar!  Take some time and consider whether you want to continue to be second to his mother.  I'd be sorely tempted to change the locks while he's away visiting his mommy and his friends in his country, without HIS wife and HIS daughter! RESPONSE:  Tired By It All A real man does not go and leave his wife at home.  A real man sticks with her through thick and thin.  If I were him, I would have sent those tickets right back and told my parents where to get off.  How dare they pull the old "double standard" on you!  You have married a mouse, or worse, a mama's boy.  Will he change? RESPONSE:  Tired By It All If you refuse to live life this way, your husband does not go without you.  Sure, he wants to see his friends, but he should not do so on his parent's dime.  Accepting that ticket shows great disrespect to you. RESPONSE:  Tired By It All *Sarcasm Alert*.  So, you treat FIL differently because you hate him.  MIL has the audacity to request the same respect that you show her for her husband?  Oh, the horror.  Grow up.  I don't blame them one bit for not wanting to travel with you. RESPONSE:  Tired By It All Enough is enough from day one.  Don't take bullsh!t from any one of your in-laws or they will get used to giving it.  Ask your husband who is more important - his friends or you.  He can't ask for your ticket to be paid, but he can send a message, as far as the invite is concerned, by refusing to go.  This is how you should have been invited:  "You guys are welcome to spend time with us, and we can help by paying one ticket".  Assuming, of course, that you have not blatantly "forgotten" to invite your FIL - even so, your husband going alone would make matters worse and stretch the issue.  He needs to see that the offer was made out of vindictiveness, and needs to be mature and decline. RESPONSE:  Tired By It All I would wash my hands of them altogether.  Heck, they don't even live in the same country as you, so it's not like you have to see them daily or deal with them on a very regular basis.  If they refuse to respect you and your marriage, then why bother with them at all?  Maybe you should just send them a card at the holidays with a lovely photo of your happy family so that they can be reminded of what they are missing out on by being so nasty and controlling.  Good luck to you! RESPONSE:  Tired By It All Enough is enough when YOU decide it is.  Why are you working so hard to please people who do not respect and care about you?  Your DH had no right going to visit them if you and DD were not invited.  The bottom line is that your ILs treat you like cr@p because you and DH let them.  Stand up to them NOW.  If they can't give you the basic courtesy and respect that you deserve, you and DH should have nothing to do with them. RESPONSE:  Tired By It All I would divorce my DH if he dared to go on a vacation without me and didn't care about my needs at all.  While he is gone, get an attorney and see about protecting your and your child's rights.  Make sure any custody order states clearly that DH cannot take your child out of the country.  I've heard stories where DHs kidnap their own kids, and then you cannot get them back because, in some countries, the father has all rights to the kids.  Protect yourself. RESPONSE:  Tired By It All First of all, I HATE YOUR MIL.  Second of all, things are better than you think!  You can't stand those people, right?  Well, how LUCKY you are that they are in another country, and refuse to come unless both of them come.  You can just put them out of your mind!  Well, just about!  It doesn't matter what they think if they're that far away.  You can just go ahead and enjoy your life with your DH and DD, and totally let him deal with them.  You are lucky!  You are lucky that just he is going to see them, and that you don't have to!  The more my DH is able to visit my ILs by himself, the happier I am.  But, unfortunately, I do HAVE to see them a handful of times a year, and it's very rarely at all pleasant, even though there is no outright hostility.  I envy you!
	Ignorant fool that I am, I had no idea that my wedding was supposed to be focused around FMIL (heavy sarcasm).  Honestly, the woman is ruining the planning for us, and making both DF and I stressed.  I just want to walk away from the whole thing.  DF announced the date to his family at Thanksgiving, and she immediately said, "But, you didn't check with *me* first!"  She looked quite putout.  DF, the wonderful man that he is, said, "Please, you have many months to rearrange your schedule."  Then, she tried to convince me to wear a traditional wedding dress (I've been refusing, and I'm not even going to wear white).  "Well, I don't think you would fit into mine," (thanks for the insult) and, "What about your mother's?", since, obviously, I had made the wrong decision, and not thought my options through.  Last time I checked, I was an adult who could manage to make my own decisions.  Let me check again.  Yep, still an adult.  Of course there was the problem that she wasn't happy with the officiant, since it wasn't of her faith.  Then, she started insisting that she wants a picture of "her kids" at the wedding.  I took a look at her wall - the "wedding pictures" of her daughter's weddings are of "her kids", and failed to include the groom.  I'm sorry, but if you are going to display ONE formal wedding photo, it should include both bride and groom.  Then, there was the bridal shower.  Oh, the bridal shower.  She spent months harassing her son to make sure that everyone coordinated it with *her* schedule.  Because, obviously, she's the most important guest.  When was it going to be, why hasn't anyone called her yet, yadda, yadda, yadda.  Every single time she was told that it is being planned, nothing has been decided, you will be informed when the time comes, and they have been made well aware of your schedule needs.  When a date was finally picked that accommodated her, the most (the MOH had to sacrifice her own plans for it), FSIL2 immediately whined, "Isn't there a different date?  Can we change it?"  And then, yes it keeps going, with all the "involvement" she attempted, she came out and said that "traditionally" the groom's parents don't do anything except pay for the rehearsal dinner.  And, since there wouldn't be a dinner, she didn't have to do anything.  Nice to offer to help, I thought (rolls eyes).  Finally, the gift.  She "traditionally" gives a large cross for the house, and a bible, and she told DF this.  She knows I'm not religious.         Signed - Ignorant Fool That I Am RESPONSE:  Ignorant Fool That I Am Elope. RESPONSE:  Ignorant Fool That I Am You crack me up!  Yep, she's a pain, all right. RESPONSE:  Ignorant Fool That I Am Donate the cross and the bible that she gave you to a local church.  They appreciate those kinds of donations. RESPONSE:  Ignorant Fool That I Am What?  No "exposed heart Jesus" statue to go with that cross and bible?  It sounds like you have a great sense of humor, and that will get you through this.  Good luck! RESPONSE:  Ignorant Fool That I Am Elope, then move far, far away from FMIL and the other annoying members of DH's family.  Really.  I'm not kidding.  This is just a preview of coming attractions from those people, and you don't want to see how much worse it will get. RESPONSE:  Ignorant Fool That I Am Your fiancé needs to stand up to his mother and the rest of his family BEFORE you get married.  Trust me, things will only get worse afterwards.  Deal with them now, or don't get married. RESPONSE:  Ignorant Fool That I Am Set the date for when you want it, and let people fit in with you.  You can't please everyone, and if they can't make it, they can't make it.  I would be surprised if everyone was able to make any event. RESPONSE:  Ignorant Fool That I Am If your DF is supportive of you and isn't willing to cater to his mommy, you're on the right track.  I wouldn't take her schedule into consideration for anything else.  Frankly, she's not worth it.  And, if she gives you her "traditional gift", I'd probably be contrary enough to set fire to it in front of her.  She's a b!tch, and a lunatic.  Don't let her run your life! RESPONSE:  Ignorant Fool That I Am You wrote that you just want to walk away from the whole thing.  Frankly, this is the best advice that I could give you.  If you think that FMIL is bad now, this is nothing compared to the intrusiveness she'll show once you're married.  Please rethink this wedding.  If you marry into this faaaaaamily, I promise you that your life will never be the same -- it will be heck on earth. RESPONSE:  Ignorant Fool That I Am Well, you should have said that since she is not paying for anything, her opinion and "schedule" don't count, and that she should butt out.  As far as the traditional gift she gives, you cannot dictate what someone gives you.  So, if she does it, then put the things away or give them to someone.  And, write a nice thank you note.  My mom always taught me that even if you do not like a gift, you still thank the person for it.  Ignore her and proceed with your plans, and to he!! with the ILs and their schedules. RESPONSE:  Ignorant Fool That I Am Run your own wedding.  Stand up for yourself.  Others will see your FMIL for what she truly is, or maybe they already know about her.  And, if she still gives you the big ol' cross for your wedding gift, make sure you give it back to her and let her know why you will not accept it.  I hope you married a man who can back you up on this, or it's gonna be one long bumpy ride for the two of you.  Better feel him out on this issue. RESPONSE:  Ignorant Fool That I Am The groom pays for flowers and the suits for the wedding party.  It's also a very old tradition, and families today tend to all chip in, including the groom's side.  My ILs didn't lift a finger to help pay for anything, but tradition said that they didn't have to, so lucky them.  Your ILs could have offered to pay for something else, not the photographer.  Though you would have given her another picture to put on the wall with just her kids.  You might be better off with them not paying for anything, otherwise she would have taken it over.  Just know that she's a crazy bat with outside-the-family issues.  Enjoy your wedding, and don't be afraid to tell her to back off. RESPONSE:  Ignorant Fool That I Am Run.  Run fast, now, before the "real stuff" begins.  Are you sure that you want to marry into this family?  It doesn't get any better.  Find a wonderful man who has a GOOD family.  This woman is going to be your CHILDREN'S GRANDMOTHER.  Remember that.  This wedding business is nothing compared to what you will go through when you have children.  Either don't marry into this family, or elope, and don't worry what the family thinks.  Good luck. RESPONSE:  Ignorant Fool That I Am Thank goodness that someone has a MIL who is a "Wedding Planner".  During the 14 months prior to our wedding I considered eloping or calling the whole thing off a million times.  The ILs went behind our back with every plan and called and rearranged every detail for their convenience and taste.  Mind you, they are in a hateful, loveless marriage, and I truly believe that they are trying to ruin my life.  They said that we weren't capable of planning a wedding, yet we're capable enough to be married.  You often wonder if a lifetime commitment to these people is worth it.  We'll hang in there together and remember the love that we have for our husbands.

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