My MIL is a divorcee with three
adult children and two granddaughters. My husband is the
only one of her children who left town after becoming adult,
and he has no desire to return "home" again.
I, on the other hand, have always wanted to live near my own
parents when I have kids. My husband likes my parents,
likes the city where they now live, and is perfectly happy with
trying that. This year, he is doing his medical internship
and had an opportunity to work at a hospital that is an hour
from his mother's home. It's the first that time he's
lived in the same state as his mom since moving away more than
10 years ago. He loves being near his grandmother again,
but his mom drives him nuts. She has not stopped nagging
him to stay from day one, even though he has made it perfectly
clear that there's no chance in he!! of that happening.
Now that we're expecting our first child - due months after
we'll be moving away - she has gone into high gear and begun
openly criticizing my family. She keeps saying that my
husband and I will have no privacy because my dad is "overbearing",
and that our "poor children" won't have any cousins
to play with, because my only sister is gay. She thinks
that there are too many people who are not her race where we're
moving. It's heinous. She didn't even congratulate
us on the pregnancy, and she informed me last night that she's
going to need to keep "somewhat detached from this"
(our pregnancy), since, as she put it, she is going to be a
complete stranger to this grandchild. All we can do is
go out of our way to make sure that she knows that we are not
going to let that happen. I lived far away from my grandparents,
too, but I'm very close with them. When I told my MIL
this, she implied that I wouldn't understand what it's like
to be close with a grandparent. It makes me crazy how
she looks down her nose at my family, although my husband has
pointed out that his mother doesn't seem to like anyone but
her own family. I feel so awful for my husband, as he
didn't receive so much as an "I'm happy for you!"
from her. I'm trying to be an adult about this, and let
her know that I understand that she's hurt, but that my wanting
to be with my family is a dynamic that she should be able to
understand. She says that she does understand, but then
she hauls off another insult at my dad when I'm least expecting
it, and says things like, "Don't have a boy. Have
a girl. Boys always leave." Then, she frowns
at my husband. She's so bitter, and such a martyr, and
she is so full of it since her other son lives right up the
street and will probably never move away. I don't want
to fight with her, but I don't want to let her run me over.
I think it's reasonable for me to spend a minimal amount of
time with her during my pregnancy and up until we leave.
She's just giving me unnecessary stress, and my husband says
he's perfectly happy to keep her at bay.
Signed - Caught In
A Cliché
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Worst gift: Last Christmas,
we were invited to my IL's house for the day. I brought
gifts for everyone, including SIL (a mug filled with assorted
hot chocolate/tea mixes) and BIL (dried apricots with half of
each dipped in good chocolate). I'd also brought gifts for
their adult children - homemade banana/nut bread for bachelor
DNephew, and friendship soup mix for unmarried DNiece. None
had gifts for me and DH (okay by me), but SIL gave the following
to my four adult sons: packages of cheap cookies with expired
pull dates that were presented in wrinkled paper bags! These
were hidden way back under the tree, and weren't "presented"
until after they had received and opened their gifts. Sheesh!
Signed - DisgustedSIL
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
Well, I have just given
birth to a very beautiful baby boy, but my ILs have not even called
once to ask how mom and baby are doing. There was no congratulations,
no card, no gift. I find all of this very odd, since they
had about 25 people up at the hospital with our oldest child.
They bombarded me, and ended up making my whole birth experience
miserable. I was really thankful that I had this baby 1,000
miles away from them. But a phone call would have been nice.
Signed - Thankful That
We Moved
RESPONSE: Thankful That We Moved
Consider yourself lucky. The less that you see of them, the happier
you will be.
RESPONSE: Thankful That We Moved
Sheesh. Complain when they show up, complain when they don't.
RESPONSE: Thankful That We Moved
So would a REAL HUSBAND, who would stand up for you against these
terrible ILs!
RESPONSE: Thankful That We Moved
You can't have everything. And, if the choice is between 25 people
at the hospital and no card or phone call, take the lack of acknowledgment.
RESPONSE: Thankful That We Moved
Maybe they realized how miserable it was when you had your last
one, and are waiting for you to call them and let them know it
is ok for them to come around?
RESPONSE: Thankful That We Moved
If they live so far away, how did they know when the baby was
born? If they didn't know, how could they call? If they did
know, how did they know? Did your DH call them? Maybe they thought
THAT was the call. Maybe you can cut them some slack for not
doing the exact thing that you had in mind for them to do. They
might still be glad. And, I'm sorry that they made it he!! for
you when your first child was born. I almost broke out into a
sweat in sympathy for you when I read that!
RESPONSE: Thankful That We Moved
No one can bombard you these days in the delivery room without
the doctors and nurses asking you if it's OK Do you mean to tell
me that they all came in right before you gave birth, didn't ask
you if it was OK, and then you proceeded to keep your mouth shut?
All you have to do ahead of time is to tell the nurses to keep
people out, even after you have the baby. Nurses are used to
families doing this, and all they have to say is that no one is
allowed in - doctor's orders. Why didn't your husband step in
and kindly tell them to leave? He should have stepped up to bat
for his wife, who was in labor.
I have posted here
before, and I don't know what I would do if this site wasn't here!
I would love to write a letter to my MIL, but I know what sort
of trouble that would start. So, instead I will write to
you all. My DH went to visit his parents in America (we
live in Australia) last month on their invitation. The invitation
was to him only, not to me. This would not be so insulting,
if they hadn't already told me that I was to invite both of them
or else neither would be coming over (I had never suggested that
I wouldn't invite both MIL and FIL). Anyway, DH went to
America for a very short time and saw them. While he was
there, he had a big talk with them about all the cr@p that has
been going on for the last 3 years. It was not pleasant,
but he got them to admit some stuff, and also told them that he
was sick of it, and he wasn't in the middle anymore. He
was on my side. Hurrah for me, finally!!! So, when
my DH returned home, he mentioned that my MIL and FIL would like
to discuss the issues with me to resolve them. It never
occurred to them to discuss them with me when I rang them and
tried to talk to them, but, oh well. So, I rang them and
told them that I was sick of it all, and that I would rather not
have a relationship with them at all. However, that did
not mean that they couldn't have a relationship with their son
or my DD. But, I would not be taking my DD to visit them
in America. And, as I don't trust them, and have good reason
not to, I would not allow certain things to be a part of their
relationship with my DD (such as EVER being alone with her).
Of course, they have interpreted this to mean that I am a complete
b!tch who is standing in the way of them having a perfect life
with their son. My MIL has sent inappropriate letters to
my husband. Not even I would say some of the things that
she has said in those letters. For Easter, she sent my DH
a box of chocolates. Fine, but she has never done that before.
Still, I don't really care. She also sent my DH a card.
That's fine too, because she has done that before, except this
time my name was removed. That's also fine, because I was
the one who didn't want to have anything to do with them.
But, in the envelope was another card for my DD which had my DH's
name in it. It contained a little story for him about dead
chickens, and was then signed by "Grandma and Granddad".
This is a new one, because last year, and the year before, they
sent my DD a card that was addressed to her. It was separate
from the card addressed to DH and me. Now, I never said
that these people could never see my DD, but, after all they have
said and done to me, I don't consider them to be trustworthy enough
to have a relationship with my DD without my supervision.
And, my DH, after finally witnessing the manner in which they
treat me, totally agrees with me. I made a point to them
that they could see my DD and DH whenever they wanted to, and
if my DH wanted to invite them over, I wouldn't stop him, and
I would be fine with them coming to visit. I have always
tried to be polite to them, and the reason that I decided to stop
any contact with them is because every time I talked to them,
they would just deny everything, or twist it all around, and I
couldn't take it anymore. It was better for everyone for
me to just stop talking to them. But, it seems to me that
they are now making a point of how they only have a relationship
with my DH, and that they have to hide cards to my DD from me.
I am not mad, but it does seem to bother me a little. Who
knows what they are up to now?
Signed - Who Knows
What They Are Up To Now?
RESPONSE: Who Knows What They Are Up To Now?
"I would love to write a letter to my MIL, but I know what
sort of trouble that would start." What's stopping you?
Write a letter that includes EVERYTHING, and post it on the "Open
Letter" section of this site.
RESPONSE: Who Knows What They Are Up To Now?
It would be nice if your DH was a REAL MAN, and reduced all contact
with his terrible parents in support of YOU!!! It was stupid
of him to go to visit them without you. That gives them tacit
approval of their atrocious behavior. Tell your DH to grow up!!
RESPONSE: Who Knows What They Are Up To Now?
You set the rules for their relationship with your DD. DH agrees
with you. The next move is clearly theirs. From the way that
they are acting, it may be that they enjoy being petty. Don't
change anything in order to please them. You aren't likely to
please them anyway.
RESPONSE: Who Knows What They Are Up To Now?
I feel for you. I am in a somewhat similar situation where my
MIL denies and twists everything to try and make me the "bad
guy". I can tell you that she has caused more problems in
my marriage than I can say! Unfortunately, when it comes to my
in-laws, DH acts as if he were a puppet on a string. This will
probably end in divorce. You are fortunate if you have a husband
who stands up for you, but it does seem that he might need to
be more firm. The way you are treated is completely unacceptable.
RESPONSE: Who Knows What They Are Up To Now?
Sympathy about not getting along with your in-laws, but is there
a chance that you're obsessing and nitpicking about things? The
behaviors you described (their mail to DH and DD) didn't sound
so weird to me. What would you have expected them to do instead?
It seems like they are abiding by your conditions - that they
can be in touch with DH and DD. I know it's uncomfortable, regardless,
but would you want to be extra unhappy because you're nitpicking
and obsessing about every little gesture. Maybe I'm missing something.
And, I do think their previous behavior was difficult, so maybe
you're just extra sensitive to their behavior, whatever it is.
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