From the day that my second daughter
was born, my MIL has thought that it was unnecessary to spend
any time with her. Her excuse is that she has only one
full day to spend with her other grandchild, my eldest daughter,
and she does not want my youngest to spoil it! My youngest
is only 8 months old. So, MIL feels that she will not
know that she is missing out. These are both quotes directly
from the horse's mouth!! When I had to take my youngest
into the hospital, as she had blood pouring from her mouth when
she was 13 weeks old, I phoned my MIL to tell her. She
did not even call the next day to see how she was! Nor
did she phone to see how she got on after having a hip scan.
My husband and I did not even get a card when she was born.
My oldest daughter has started to notice. She is 3, and
she asks me why her sister never goes round to grandmas house.
I used to beg her to come round to my house and spend time with
my youngest before she picked my oldest up from school.
She either did not bother, or came over for 20 minutes.
Signed - Fed Up Daughter
In He!!
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My problems started
with my FIL, and now my MIL is just as bad. My FIL is a
heavy drinker and a bad father to his kids, and he is very abusive
verbally to my MIL. The problems escalated for me when my
DD was born, and we no longer had liquor in the house (my DH is
a recovering alcoholic) and we did not want it at my daughter's
first birthday party (a large backyard event with about 50 guests).
We also rented an apartment from my MIL and FIL next to their
house. Well, at 11am my FIL started downing one after another
with his brother while standing next to my (very recently recovering)
DH. I was livid, as I was very clear about this. I
asked my MIL to ask him to stop or I would. Instead, he
refused, and made a big scene of purposefully drinking in front
of me, my DH, and my DD. I decided then to avoid them whenever
possible, and expected an apology when he sobered up. Instead,
he confronted me one morning while I had my daughter in my arms,
and my DH was not around. It was scary enough that I called
the police, and I moved back home to my mother's house for a month
until we could find a new apartment. DH begged me to come
back and find a new apartment with him. The worst part was
that my MIL first admitted to my SIL that she heard the whole
thing, that I was telling the truth, and that I deserved a good
talking to and to be put in my place. When my DH confronted
them about it, they both denied it and said that they tried to
reasonably talk to me about my unnatural obsession with keeping
people from drinking, and that I was trying to turn him away from
his family. They said that I did all the yelling and screaming,
and that I needed psychiatric help. My DH believed their
version, and has gone back and forth between saying that he doesn't
or does believe them (which will probably end up breaking us up).
What is worse is that they now demand that he come over with our
DD whenever they summons him, and he jumps. At any family
occasion, they ignore me, yet my MIL just called my SIL crying
that I did not invite them to my daughter's 2nd birthday party
this weekend (a very small, kids only party, with a few adults).
She likes to still pretend that nothing has happened, and that
I am just evil. My SIL just informed me that my DH invited
them, and that FIL will probably come to our new apartment (where
I finally feel safe from them in another town) with his cooler,
and they will probably ignore me there. My DH and I are
fighting daily about this, and we are no longer looking forward
to the party. I know that I am doomed to end up divorced,
or never to enjoy another holiday or my child's birthdays because
of these people.
Signed - Hoping for
a Miracle
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
My MIL makes rude comments
when my husband leaves the room. She saves some special
"happy" behavior for him so that he doesn't have a clue
or believe anything that I tell him about how rude she is.
She has said many horrible things to me in the past, but this
one takes the cake. We had planned on visiting the MIL while
my mother was visiting us. My mother hadn't seen her in
a long time, and she thought that it would be nice to visit her.
The MIL called the evening before to get the details of our visit.
While on the phone, she was going on and on about how much she
"loved me" and couldn't wait to see me. This was
after some horrible comments that she made the last time I saw
her. Feeling the inconsistency of her behavior, I didn't
say "I love you" back. When we got there the next
day, as soon as my husband left the room she turned to me and
said, "You know, when someone says they love you a lot, it's
just phony". My mother brought a bottle of red wine
as a gift for her. She looked at my mother and said, "We
don't drink red wine, but this one 'MIGHT' be good", in the
sarcastic tone that she is so known for. If you didn't like
the gift, wouldn't you just say Thank You, and re-gift it?
And, as far as the phony "I love you", yep, she confirmed
what I had felt for some time. Thanks for the confirmation!!
Signed - Fed Up With
Sarcastic Remarks
RESPONSE: Fed Up With Sarcastic Remarks
Try tape recording her! Set up the tape recorder, then have DH
leave the room. See what she says then.
RESPONSE: Fed Up With Sarcastic Remarks
I know the feeling. Get yourself a hidden camera to tape her,
and show it to DH. Some are either hidden in a teddy bear or
tissue box. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Fed Up With Sarcastic Remarks
Do you have a camcorder, or access to one? Next time MIL comes
over, set it up without her knowledge. Capture her behavior on
tape so that your DH can see what she's really like when he's
not around!!
RESPONSE: Fed Up With Sarcastic Remarks
This is an instance where you have to be as sneaky as she is.
If your DH won't believe you when you tell him about her awful
behavior, you need to get one of those mini tape recorders and
carry it with you at all in-law functions. When he leaves the
room and she starts in, just press record. DH may not like it,
but it sounds like he needs to hear it.
RESPONSE: Fed Up With Sarcastic Remarks
Keep a microcassette tape recorder handy in your pocket for one
of these "special events" of hers. Eventually, you
will catch your MIL saying some of these things on tape. Present
them to your DH as evidence that you are not the one who is loony.
If he doesn't stand by you then, it is TIME TO KICK HIS BUTT OUT!!!!
RESPONSE: Fed Up With Sarcastic Remarks
If she consistently makes rude remarks to you when your DH leaves
the room, have you considered buying one of those tiny pocket
dictating machines (they are not expensive). Put it in your shirt
pocket and record all the nasty things that your MIL says to you.
Then, when you get home, play it back to DH and see what he says.
Or, next time MIL says something mean to you, burst into tears
and sob when DH comes back into the room. Let his mother explain
how THAT happened. If DH is a real man, he will not let anyone
make his wife cry.
RESPONSE: Fed Up With Sarcastic Remarks
I think that you may be one of my SILs? My MIL has done this
so many times. She has said exactly the same things to me. DH
didn't believe me. I asked him to stand right outside the door
to listen to her. He told MIL that I told him that. After that,
she checked to see when he left before she opened her mouth.
We don't go there anymore. My kids don't even remember those
he!!ish times. One of the things that stopped me from going,
or letting the kids go, was when she started doing the same to
my DD and DS. When DH left the room, she told them that we didn't
love them, and that only she did. And, when FIL told her to knock
it off, she whispered in DD's ear.
I have never written
about my problem, but I am really needing objective opinions from
you. I have been married for 23 years. For all these
years, I have politely bowed down to MIL and SILs. However,
for the last 6 months or so I have been letting these people know,
in roundabout ways, that I am tired of being run over. I
will say that I do love my MIL and SILs, and I would love to have
a closer relationship with them (my family lives 500 miles away).
But, every time I open up the drama that is their lives, it overwhelms
me. Let me explain some of the behavior that my MIL has
exhibited over these years. She comes to my house 5 days
a week and washes clothes. I know that some of you will
say "how lucky", but I do not like this. I have
tried to tell her nicely that I can handle my own household, to
no avail. She has talked about me to her daughters, and
others, and someone always tells me, because they feel that I
"should know what is being said". She has opened
my phone bill (by accident) and proceeded to tell the family how
much it was, and that someone should talk to me about it.
She gets on to my children about what they should do around my
home. She treats her son like he is still a little boy.
He does not fight it. He always says, "Mom loves you.
It is just her way to be short and to the point." I
finally told him about the phone bill incident and he said, "That
was a little high." On Easter, my SIL called my home
about 10 or 15 times. She would call and wait for the machine
to pick up, and then hang up. She wanted me to go to church
with them and go the MIL's home afterwards. I did not want
to go. My oldest son is getting married this year, and I
have been cooking our holiday meals at home so as to spend as
much time with him and his fiancé as possible. I
want to have my own family for Christmas, etc. I want to
start my own traditions, but these people want me to do what they
want. I am just so tired of the gossip and everything bad
that goes with it. I just want to enjoy my life, my children,
and my home. Any info would be appreciated.
Signed - Hopeful in
the South
RESPONSE: Hopeful in the South
Lock the door.
RESPONSE: Hopeful in the South
This situation has gone on far too long. Roundabout is not the
way to approach this.
RESPONSE: Hopeful in the South
Change the locks so that she can't do the laundry anymore. Stop
letting them run you over. Good for you for taking a stand!
RESPONSE: Hopeful in the South
Stand up for yourself, and stop being such a doormat! MIL and
SIL treat you this way because you let them. Tell DH to grow
a pair and be a man. He should be putting you first and putting
MIL/SIL in their place.
RESPONSE: Hopeful in the South
Good grief. You have put up with this for 23 years. I don't
know whether to admire you or tell you that you are completely
crazy. No f-ing way would any of this happen in my house. And,
as for your DH, he is obviously a waste of space, and you should
have sent him back to his mommy years ago.
RESPONSE: Hopeful in the South
Just say no! Get caller id, and don't answer the phone. When
MIL shows up at the front door, DON'T answer it! Make your own
holiday plans, and stick with them. If DH complains, tell him
to shut his pie hole. You have put up with his family long enough,
and now you will have things your way. If he doesn't like it,
tell him that you will make his life a living he!!. And, YOU
are the woman with whom he lives, so it won't be pretty! You
are a grown woman, and you are about to be a MIL yourself, so
why are you allowing your MIL to run your life? Quit being her
doormat. She can only take advantage of you if you let her.
You have every right to tell her to get bent. Your home is your
sanctuary, and YOU are the lady of the house, NOT MIL! You can
run up your phone bill all you want. It is none of her damn business!
If she chooses to gossip about you, that is HER shame, not yours!
It's time to evict the old bat and take back your life! You can
do it! Good luck!
RESPONSE: Hopeful in the South
No, I won't be telling you that you're lucky that your MIL comes
over and does your laundry. I'd need a prescription for Valium
if my MIL were doing something like that. You sound like a truly
lovely person, and NOTHING that you said is unreasonable. It
sounds like you've been putting up with this for a long time.
The only thing that I can think of to tell you is that people
who make you jump through hoops, and make you do things that you
REALLY don't want to do, to please them, aren't going to be pleased,
no matter what you do. So, it's better that you don't stress
yourself out trying to do what they want. Be kind, be respectful,
be polite, but do what YOU feel is right, not what they tell you
you "should" do. Who's to say what another person "should"
do? What I did to back away from my MIL's "shoulds"
was this: When she "ordered" me to do something, I'd
pretend that it was a kind invitation. I'd say, "Thanks!!
Thanks!!", with an appreciative smile. But then I just wouldn't
go. She has backed off considerably. You sound like a goodhearted
person, and I'm sure that there are a lot of things you'd do "from
the heart" for your in-laws. I bet you get them thoughtful
gifts, etc., and essentially wish them well. They're lucky to
have you. Be at peace and start your own traditions, as you want
to do. And, if they act annoyed that you've stopped doing whatever
they pressure you to do, just know that they'd be that way no
matter WHAT. At least, if you seem to have a solid footing, maybe
they'll actually respect you more. When my MIL felt like she
could walk all over me, it sure didn't make her like or respect
me more. It just made her a giant pain in my neck!! Trying painfully
to please other people has never, EVER worked for me. Unfortunately,
I have a lot of experience in it! Giving from a sincere place
is the only thing that works Otherwise, we might as well just
not do it. Best wishes to you. I hope you'll post more! Blessings!
RESPONSE: Hopeful in the South
What law says that you have to abide by the rules and regulations
of the in-laws? I feel, and have always felt, that everyone has
their own choices to make in life. It is up to you to make them,
no one else. And, if you are wanting time for yourself and YOUR
family, then that is what you need to do. I know that if you
don't do what you want, you will live to regret it. Years down
the road, you'll look back and ask yourself why you let these
people walk all over you. Life is hard, but sometimes we make
it harder on ourselves by not following our gut. I have made
the decision to limit contact with my in-laws, unless it's absolutely
necessary. I was miserable, because I was trying to please everyone
but myself. Luckily, I have a supportive husband, or else I could
have seen our marriage ending. I finally got to the boiling point,
and let them know that this is OUR life and OUR family, and that
in order for us to be happy, we have to do what is in the best
interest of us and our children. We told them that we hoped they'd
understand, but if not, we understood. But, it wasn't going to
change the way we felt or the way we did things. I am so much
happier now. It was absolutely the best thing that I ever did.
We do our own thing for every holiday and birthday, and I've never
enjoyed holidays more. Good Luck!
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