My mother-in-law wore the same
color ivory as me at my wedding. Enough said.
Signed - Laughing At
The Altar
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Worst gift: This past
Christmas, my MIL actually gave me a pink turtleneck that she had
bought for her friend who had died. She actually TOLD me that
it was for the friend, and instead of returning it, she was giving
it to me. Now I know where I rank - as the receiver of leftovers
from those who have left us. I should be more upset, but it
is actually hilarious, because folks now understand my situation
better. Besides, compared to my FIL (the control freak), she
is not so bad anymore. So glad to have found this site!
Signed - Pink Turtleneck
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Does anyone have some
tactful, gracious, and polite suggestions for saying thanks for
a gift from someone who doesn't even like you (she badmouths me
behind my back, and clearly thinks very little of me), but is just
trying to "do the right thing" by giving a gift to you?
I'd truly feel more respected if I got nothing. She clearly
wants to feel good and generous, but her gifts just depress me.
I really do believe "the gift without the giver is bare".
How would you say thanks, or wouldn't you? Would you just
let it go?
Signed - Nervous Receiver
of Unwanted Gifts
RESPONSE: Nervous Receiver of Unwanted Gifts
I would just let it go for the sake of your relationship.
RESPONSE: Nervous Receiver of Unwanted Gifts
I would be sweet as sugar, and say thank you, and then I would give
it to charity.
RESPONSE: Nervous Receiver of Unwanted Gifts
Just be polite and accept the gift. In the long run, you will be
happy that you took the high road, and your husband will thank you,
too.
RESPONSE: Nervous Receiver of Unwanted Gifts
You have to just let it go. Perhaps you could take her gifts and
donate them to charity? Then, her gifts really would be doing somebody
some good.
RESPONSE: Nervous Receiver of Unwanted Gifts
I have the exact same problem!! I, unfortunately, don't have any
advice for you, but I look forward to reading your answers!!
RESPONSE: Nervous Receiver of Unwanted Gifts
Just a simple "thank you" with no comments at all should
be enough. You don't have to say "I love it", or, "I
hate it", just a polite thank you.
RESPONSE: Nervous Receiver of Unwanted Gifts
Smile, say thank you, and give it to charity. You can also sit
down with her and say, "I don't like you. You don't like me.
Let's cut the cr@p and not exchange gifts. It makes me feel hypocritical
to accept a gift from you and you appear hypocritical to give me
one."
RESPONSE: Nervous Receiver of Unwanted Gifts
I have always felt that gift giving is a neglected art. The receiver
must put some effort into graciously accepting the present so that
the giver feels that they did a good job. Now, clearly the rules
shift when dealing with a witch of a MIL who is giving you malicious,
pointed, or "improvement" gifts. But, as long as that's
not the case, just be as gracious as you would to the coworker or
acquaintance who gives you an unexpected gift. "Thank you,
it's lovely," and, "That was so nice of you," should
pretty much suffice.
RESPONSE: Nervous Receiver of Unwanted Gifts
I think that you have the answer yourself. "She clearly wants
to feel good and generous." I have been graciously accepting
unwanted gifts from my MIL for years. I find that the best thing
to do is to smile big (gritting your teeth works too), take a deep
breath and say something nice. It doesn't need to be profuse, but
it does need to be genuine. Even if all you thank her for is her
"thoughtfulness" or "for always remembering"
you, it's important for your dignity not to sink to her level.
"Thanks" can be "Oh,wow! I saw this in the store
last week!", (without mentioning that it was the tackiest thing
you've ever seen). Sometimes we have to be creative to think of
WHY that particular gift was chosen, but I'm one of the lucky ones
whose MIL doesn't give mean gifts. My MIL is one of those people
who thinks that she can buy love. How many other people here have
gotten a gift from the MIL for President's Day?
RESPONSE: Nervous Receiver of Unwanted Gifts
I had a disagreement with my ILs 3 months ago. They have always
avoided me where possible, but in the last 3 months they have cut
off my family, too. It's my birthday today, and DD's next week.
Having ignored our anniversary 2 weeks ago (they ALWAYS send a card),
I received a gift certificate for my birthday for twice the amount
that they usually give me. There was no proper card, just the gift
certificate card signed, "To X, Birthday Wishes, Mum and Dad."
I haven't called them mum and dad for 2 years, and I was convinced
that it was meant as a bribe so that they could see DD for her birthday.
I returned it. Now I am waiting for the bomb to drop!!!!!!!!!
Frequent
Fry Her TM
- sugarbear, 1 of 4 needed/Posted: 17-JUL-03
There are several things that I need to vent over:
My FIL is not a huge problem, other than being emotionally distant
and a couch potato extraordinaire, but my MIL is a passive/aggressive
control freak with a martyr complex, who can't stand the idea that
her "little boy" isn't at her beck and call anymore.
I have lots of stories, even though my DH and I have only been married
for just over 6 months (engaged for over a year). DH and I
are buying our first house together. My mom and dad (they
are divorced, but get along well) each gifted us money for the down
payment, and let DH and me know that if we get into an emergency
situation, they will be there to help. My in-laws, however,
have expressed a minimum of interest in this big step, and offers
of help have been basically, "FIL and I will come over and
help unpack stuff and get the kitchen stuff put away, " etc.
We've told them, "Thanks for the offer," but we don't
need them to do any of that (really, my DH did the turn down in
a nice way). Now, my in-laws are not hurting for money, but
knowing how they are about it, we didn't even entertain the idea
of asking for help, monetary or otherwise, from them. MIL
has since decided that she is upset that we don't want her deciding
how our cabinets or drawers should be organized, and she decided
that our buying a house isn't important enough to talk about.
They don't ask if DH is excited about having his (our) own place
or anything. They did tell us, months ago, that we could have
the used fridge and washer/dryer that belonged to DH's grandfather,
who passed away over a year ago. They did this mostly because
they don't think they can get enough money out of the appliances
if they sell them. These appliances are pretty old, and might
not even be working now, since they have been stored in their garage
for over a year. But, at least it's something. MIL has
been treating my DH like he is a 12 year old child since I've met
him (he's 29), and she is constantly using him to do things around
their house, even though both of them are at home 24/7 (neither
of them work). They sit around watching their 3 TVs with 3
VCRs. They record the shows that they can't watch because
they are watching something else on each of the TVs. And,
then they watch them later. How sad is that? They never
do anything thoughtful for DH after he does stuff, either, because
he is their kid (like their car or their house, i.e., a possession)
and he "has" to do what they ask. Recently, they
asked him to get up on the roof and trim overhanging branches with
a chainsaw. MIL guilted DH into doing it by saying that if
DH didn't do it, FIL would end up getting up there and would probably
fall off and hurt himself. So, DH did it, and it took several
hours, and he came home exhausted and blistered and hungry.
Heaven forbid that those two actually go pick up a burger and fries
for their son as a "reward" for helping them. This
was also a visit that was supposed to be "quality time"
since they hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks, but I guess they
cared more about saving money by putting their son to work, than
actually expressing interest in his life. MIL calls and talks
for 30 minutes about herself and her stupid bigoted neighbors before
she ever asks how DH is. DH is really getting sick of it,
though. He's finally started saying "no" to the
butting in and various chores that they save up for him. I
don't think that doing things for your parents should be mandatory.
You should do it because you care about them and want to help them
out. But, they should also appreciate the effort! Parents
helping their kids should be treated the same way. I'm just
so thankful that I have such great parents because I know they didn't
have to help us get our house at all.
Signed - Leave My Drawers
Alone, MIL!
RESPONSE: Leave My Drawers Alone, MIL!
So, let me get this straight: You're angry with your DH's parents
because they haven't offered you money for your house? What kind
of sense of entitlement do you have, anyway? Pay your own way.
RESPONSE: Leave My Drawers Alone, MIL!
Amen! When my DH and I bought our house, my MIL made it very clear
that she didn't like the place at all. She criticized EVERYTHING
about it - she even worried about traffic on the street - IT'S A
DEAD END STREET!!!! Months later, she told me that she had just
been in "a bad mood". For months, I guess. Anyway, she
was horrible through the whole process. I know that it was because
she didn't want him moving away and leaving her all alone. Your
in-laws sound like they have the same rather selfish problem of
putting their comfort and convenience before the happiness of their
child. How sad.
RESPONSE: Leave My Drawers Alone, MIL!
It seems like you are a little obsessed about money, and need to
let it go. Why would you say that you know your parents didn't
have to help with the house, but are offended that your in-laws
didn't offer to help financially? When we bought our house, there
was a great amount of satisfaction in being able to buy a house
all on our own. We didn't need anyone's monetary gifts, and would
not have accepted it if any were offered. As for the fact that
your in-laws have the money, it's THEIR money, not yours or DH's.
And, they can do with it what they want. If they want to buy more
TVs and VCRs, they can! You are NOT owed anything; you are both
adults!
RESPONSE: Leave My Drawers Alone, MIL!
Why do you think that because you and DH have decided to buy a house
that his and your parents should foot the bill? You're working
adults, aren't you? Why not have the pride to buying your house
on your own instead, of having it handed to you? You complain that
DH's parents treat him like a child, but then want them to give
him money to buy a house? How is that treating him like an adult?
It seems to me that your parents are treating you like a child (and
you're letting them) by making sure they get you what you want the
minute you want it. Why should they offer to bail you out if you
need help? If you and DH are responsible and live within your means,
like adults, that should never be necessary.
RESPONSE: Leave My Drawers Alone, MIL!
DH's parents are emotionally distant, and they consider chores a
suitable way of welcoming his visits. He recognizes that, and is
beginning to resist properly. But, unless you left some things
out, your other criticisms of your ILs are not justified. They
offered to help you move, and you declined, because you didn't want
them making decisions about your home. I understand that, but there
is nothing in your story to indicate that it was anything but a
genuine offer. I'm not replying to criticize your writing style.
Perhaps there is a lot more that you didn't say. But, your DH is
moving in the right direction with regard to his parents. Don't
spoil that by accusing your in-laws of things that they aren't doing.
RESPONSE: Leave My Drawers Alone, MIL!
DH needs to stand up to MIL and stop doing their chores. He doesn't
"have" to do anything for them. As for the down payment
on your home, the ILs have no responsibility to contribute to that.
If you can't afford the down payment, maybe you shouldn't be buying
the house.
RESPONSE: Leave My Drawers Alone, MIL!
You are the one wrong - it is your and DH's home, NOT your ILs.
Why should they pay for anything? It is great that your parents
are willing to help, but why are you not demanding to buy YOUR house
on YOUR own? You will be the same one complaining that others believe
they have a say in what goes in YOUR home, yet you are offended
that they are not giving you THEIR money. Grow up, and stop judging
people by the size of their wallets.
RESPONSE: Leave My Drawers Alone, MIL!
Yeah, I wouldn't want my MIL setting up the kitchen. That is not
an appropriate thing for his mother to do when you are the woman
of the house. I moved states away, with DH, to our first house,
and his mother sent DH hand towels and decor with the same print
that is in her kitchen for our kitchen. I thought, "No way,
she can't be serious." But, oh, she was. I just told DH straight
out that his mother was not decorating what was my territory to
decorate, and that goes for the rest of the house, too. Not that
DH has no say, but it will be his decor ideas, not his mommy's.
The pattern of MIL's choice wasn't for a couple in their early twenties
by far, and it really showed.
RESPONSE: Leave My Drawers Alone, MIL!
Nothing bothers me more about this site than this idea that the
in-laws are expected to help pay a couple's bills, down payment
on the house, wedding costs, etc. If the parents wish to help with
these expenses, great. However, they are under no obligation.
If a couple feels that they cannot afford the purchase(s) that they
are making with the funds they have on hand, then it is up to them
to save until they can financially handle the purchase. This goes
no matter the income level of the in-laws/parents. If the in-laws
did contribute, and were then expecting to be making the decisions,
you would likely be writing to complain about that. Stand up on
your own two feet and say "too bad" to the in-laws if
they do make comments.
RESPONSE: Leave My Drawers Alone, MIL!
I think that you are in the wrong here. You want your ILs to give
you money for a down payment? If you can't afford it, don't buy
it. And, I don't think that there is anything wrong with parents
getting their kids to help out around the house. My sister and
I help our parents all the time. What do you think, you can just
do what is convenient for you and forget the rest? It sounds like
you are turning your DH against his parents. Your parents may be
generous, and that's great - but you shouldn't expect his to give
you money because you expect it. How self-centered and selfish
can you be? You don't want your DH helping them out, but you want
their money? Grow up.
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