Frequent
Fry Her TM
- bhnjn, 1 of 4 needed/Posted: 23-JUL-03
When DH and I were engaged, MIL asked to take the
ring to her jeweler so that she could have it appraised and find
out how much money DH spent on it.
Signed - Sick Of It
0
1
0
Strongly Agree
Somewhat Agree
Somewhat Disagree
Strongly Disagree
Please Seek Counseling
Continue on Message
Board
Frequent
Fry Her TM
- bhnjn, 2 of 4 needed/Posted: 23-JUL-03
When my MIL found out that I was pregnant, after
9 years of marriage, she decided to buy me a fabulous birthday gift
- MATERNITY CLOTHES! She forgot my birthday for eight years.
And, when she finally remembered, she was so kind as to buy me FAT
clothes when I was only TWO MONTHS pregnant. Not just that,
but they were not returnable. I thought about buying her a
copy of Emily Post, but I figured that she probably wouldn't understand
the logic anyway.
Signed - Sick of the
Nasty Redheaded Beast After 16 Years
0
5
1
0
Strongly Agree
Somewhat Agree
Somewhat Disagree
Strongly Disagree
Please Seek Counseling
Continue on Message
Board
For two months my SIL
told everyone who would listen about the boots that she wanted.
They were just like my favorite pair that I wore all winter (I was
flattered). I told my MIL that I would buy some for her and
she said, "Oh, no, I'm getting the boots for SIL."
So, I found a different gift for SIL. On Christmas morning
we sat around, and as each of us opened our presents in turn, my
SIL got a bracelet and I got a pair of boots exactly like the ones
on my feet! My MIL told my SIL, "Well, I just didn't
think that they would look good on you, they're very trashy."
My SIL and I have bonded from that moment on (and traded gifts when
MIL left the room).
Signed - At Least I Like
My SIL
I, the MIL, have loved/adored
my DIL since the day my son brought her home. Now they're
expecting their first child, and I have been very excited since
day one. I haven't bought one baby gift yet, only because
I am waiting until she hits her 3rd month. I would love to
spoil this baby big time. Now, it is important to know that
our family has always been very close (when my boys were growing
up). So, I shared a clipping that I found in Woman's Housekeeping
magazine of a grandmother's nursery, with animal paintings on the
wall, with them. I wanted to have one in my house for my own
grandchildren. Well, most recently, my son called to say that
he was uncomfortable about something. He said that he thought
it was kind of FREAKY for his parents to have a nursery, and didn't
want us to have one. Then, he stated that the baby wasn't
going to be over that much anyway. So, as hard as it was for
me, we talked things out for a while. I'm not going to have
a baby room for his children, even though I explained that it was
for their convenience and fun. I even tried to explain that
his grandparents had stuff for them (i.e., cribs, high chairs, etc.).
Somewhere in our conversations he stated that the baby would never
spend the night. This whole thing really hurt me. I'm
going to respect their wishes. But, this whole experience
took the excitement out of my heart on the whole new grandma thing.
I feel that my DIL thinks that I'm a freak - just great. So,
now, I wonder, do I just totally back way, way off? Do I buy
any baby stuff, ask questions about doctor visits, or call to see
how she is doing? Should I be a MIA grandma? Last thing:
I want my son and his darling wife to enjoy our company and have
good memories and good times together.
Signed - MIA Grandma
RESPONSE: MIA Grandma
I wouldn't take it personally that your son said the baby wouldn't
spend the night. Many parents are not comfortable with the idea
of babies overnighting elsewhere; it's nothing against you. Be
involved, be pleasant, offer to help, and be there for your son
and DIL during the stressful time of being new parents.
RESPONSE: MIA Grandma
You sound like you will be a wonderful grandmother. Back off a
little. Give your DIL a little time. First pregnancies take a
little adjusting.
RESPONSE: MIA Grandma
It sounds like you are really trying to be a good granny, and that
is commendable. But, if this is your son and DIL's first baby,
they may feel really uncomfortable with you having a nursery. My
MIL (a totally different story) set up a nursery when I was 2 months
pregnant with my oldest DS. It really upset us, because it made
us think that MIL thought that she was going to have DS all the
time. It is freaky for a GM to have a nursery, unless you guys
have a baby-sitting arrangement and need the furniture. As for
keeping your GC over night, don't ask your children for overnights.
Wait until they ask you. Some parents are pretty particular about
letting their children stay anywhere overnight without them. My
mom (and we love my mom to death, and would trust our kids to her
always) never kept my oldest DS until I was in the hospital giving
birth to my twins. Good luck.
RESPONSE: MIA Grandma
Congrats on the grandbaby! I don't know the entire situation, but
I doubt that your son and DIL think that you're an incompetent caregiver.
Most parents are uncomfortable with the idea of letting their baby
spend the night away from them. The idea of you setting up your
own nursery, no matter how innocent, probably scared them. It's
obvious that you're excited about your grandchild, and you should
be able to celebrate it. I would sit down with your son and DIL
(maybe have them over for dinner) and apologize for scaring them
with the nursery thing. Reiterate how excited you are for them,
and ask what you could do to help them prepare for the baby. Then,
take their suggestions. They may not be ready to prepare anything
just yet. At any rate, my suggestion would be to buy a portable
crib to keep at your house. So if they decide that they want you
to watch the baby (or he/she needs a place to nap when they visit),
you have a place for him/her to sleep.
RESPONSE: MIA Grandma
Your DIL probably felt that when you wanted to have a nursery in
your home, you were presuming that the baby would be spending all
kinds of time at your house. Who knows? I don't have much advice
to give you, except to just continue to express your excitement
at the new arrival. And, yes, do call every now and again and ask
how your DIL is doing. Tell her how delighted you are about the
baby, and how you know she'll make a wonderful mother. When the
baby is born, resist the temptation to offer advice, as it can be
construed as criticism. Good luck!
RESPONSE: MIA Grandma
My mother has a highchair, playpen, and an entire room filled with
toys and supplies when they are at her house. Your son and DIL
may not understand now just how convenient a grandmother can be,
but give them time. After lugging around a booster seat, diaper
bag, toys, etc., to your house a couple of times, then they will
appreciate the kind gesture! As far as your son saying that the
baby will never spend the night at your house, give them a few months
of a crying baby through the night, not being able to drop what
you are doing to go out to dinner or a movie or to just run to the
store, and they will need an evening to themselves! Good luck!
RESPONSE: MIA Grandma
I think that maybe your son and his wife are nervous, first time
parents to be. Maybe after a little bit of time goes by, they will
realize that having a loving grandmother who is willing to baby-sit
is a very good thing. I'm sure that right now they just can't imagine
ever spending the night away from their child. I'm just as sure
that they will change their minds. Maybe not when your grandchild
is an infant, but maybe by the time he is a toddler. Having a bed
or at least a playpen around is not a bad idea - that way they could
lay the baby down for a nap when they are visiting. Just keep your
questions general. Don't get too personal about the doctors visits,
but let both of them know that you are looking forward to this event
and that you support their decisions. Good luck. I hope everything
goes well.
RESPONSE: MIA Grandma
Sometimes parents do things that they see as "helpful",
and to the couple, it's really intrusive. You may want to ask your
son (not his wife) about these things. If they have concerns about
something, he can tell you. I've told my mother that our future
children will not be allowed in a smoking house, and if she is still
smoking when they come around, she'll have to come see them at our
house. Also, MIL (she does not know this) will not be spending
much time with them. Certainly not alone. She is obese, and I
don't even think that she would be able to hold a baby in her condition,
it's that bad. Her house is a pigsty (children put things in their
mouths and get ill easily). And, if anything ever happened, she
would not be able to move fast enough to do anything (kids choking
and such). Those are just a few of my reasons. But, another thing
to think about is that maybe her family isn't as close knit. Try
to understand that maybe his wife is a more private person. This
is the case with us. DH and their family are (overly) involved
with each other. I will not be part of all of it. Talk with your
son and try to understand. Good luck.
RESPONSE: MIA Grandma
Difficult one! If you don't ask questions, they'll say you're not
interested. If you ask too many, they'll say you're nosy. It seems
that they're stating to you that "they are the parents now".
However, I can imagine that a few months or a few years down the
line, they'll only be too happy to hand the baby/child to you for
a bit of "me time". You can explain again that you would
like contact with your grandchild, and, to start with, agree on
the terms. Compromise if you have to. See the child for fifteen
minutes or an hour every week. Have an afternoon in the park every
month. Prove to them that you are trustworthy (after all, you've
done this before and brought up your own children). Don't go overboard
with the nursery, but have a room at home which is welcoming and
can be used safely by children (a baby won't mind that much as long
as the room is warm). Some people do not like receiving baby gifts
before the baby's born, so wait and ask them what they would like
to receive, rather than buying things that you would like to give.
Don't give up. Keep the communication channels open. Start a family
book with pictures and stories for the child so that he or she gets
to know your side of the family. Give it to the parents. I suspect
this is all due to the mother-to-be's insecurity. At the moment,
she thinks that she knows best, and is probably in awe of your experience.
Don't forget that it's likely that she will rely on her own mother
more than on you once she's had the baby. But, don't worry about
it. Enjoy the experience! A step-grandmother.
RESPONSE: MIA Grandma
It is possible that you may have said something to upset your DIL.
I think that it is good for grandparents to spend time with their
grandchildren. However, there are some catches. The child needs
to bond with the parents first and foremost. Maybe your DIL and
son just want to make sure that their child feels closest to them.
Perhaps you have also done something to make them not want to leave
the baby with you, like you smoke, or drink too much alcohol, etc.
Child psychologists say that if a baby is "too" close
to his grandparent, it can cause all kinds of psychological damage.
The child needs to understand who is mommy and who is grandma, and
that there is a distinct difference between the two. I have no
problem with my MIL or my mother spending time with my future children,
but the visits will be limited. Until the child is maybe 7 or older,
I don't think that overnight visits are appropriate. I don't want
anyone but DH and me holding our baby for the first two months after
its birth because babies cannot see well, therefore I want them
to recognize my touch, and not get used to only the way that grandma
holds her. Have you ever said something about how you will spend
time with your grandchild that might contradict with the way they
want to raise their baby - such as religious views, what you feed
the baby, etc.? This may have upset them and made them lose their
trust in you to follow their wishes about how the baby is raised.
I suggest that you just let them know that you will be willing to
spend time with your grandchild and that you will respect any wishes
that they may have about their child. Try sending a gift basket
full of all kinds of things for the mother of the child, like lotions,
spa certificates, gift certificates for maternity clothes, and maybe
some of her favorite foods. This will show her that you care not
just about the baby that she is about to have, but that you care
about her, too. I think that all of these things will definitely
help your situation.
Note: To better handle the volume of submissions - stories
and responses received will be posted as early as our resources will
allow. Responses to new stories will be accumulated, and then
posted, all at once, to the original story page at a later date (generally,
one set of responses will be posted per day).
DISCLAIMER: All advice on this website is for informational
and entertainment purposes only. All responses are from reader submissions
unless specifically noted otherwise (such as Dr. Terri Apter advice page).
We do not endorse any of the advice. We provide it to you as a service.
We can neither guarantee the soundness of the advice, nor make any claims
as to the outcome of following this advice. We provide it for your
entertainment only. Should you choose to follow any of the advice,
it is solely at your own risk. This is not intended to substitute
for obtaining advice from appropriate sources and/or professional counseling.
We recommend you consult an appropriate professional, counselor, and/or
a trusted advisor before taking any action based on this advice.
B A Squared, LLC and www.motherinlawstories.com make no representations or
guarantees regarding any information dispensed on this site.
Your privacy is important to us. Click here to view our
Privacy Policy.
