My ex-MIL never liked me.
In fact, she wrote me a four page letter 4 weeks after her precious
son and I started dating, because she found out that I was not
"pure". Two years later, her precious son and
I were planning to get married. At my first bridal shower,
she thought that it would be hilarious to tell us her dream of
how her son woke up one night burning up, and when she looked
at me I was on fire. Then, at my lingerie shower, she gave
me a dark blue dress that hung to the floor. It was so big
that my arms fell through the sleeves. Not to mention the
straw hat with the oh so pretty blue ribbons that hung from it.
Signed - Jezabel
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My ILs insist that we
spend every holiday with them. EVERY ONE. Never mind
that in the 6 years that my DH and I have been married, we have
never had a moment on Christmas morning to ourselves. We even
spent last Xmas Eve and Day at their house. We spent the night
with a 15 month old and a 2 month old! All of us were in the
same room! MIL wanted everyone to stay the whole time with them
because it was their "first Christmas in their new house".
Well, we had moved into a new house ourselves. It was OUR
FIRST home outside of an apartment. We almost didn't even
bother with a tree since we weren't going to be home to enjoy it.
Well, after spending the last 6 Christmases, Thanksgivings, Easters,
every birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc., etc., my DH decided
that he wanted to spend his Fathers Day with his kids. Since
he only gets to see them an hour a day during the week, he thought
this would be extra special for him. Well, MIL is furious.
She is acting as if we don't love them. Never mind that I
spent my entire Mother's Day cooking for them and SIL's family.
Then, I spent the next day cleaning, all of this with two kids under
2. We were supposed to do it again for Father's Day.
Well, now we're awful people. We have no respect for our elders.
We must not love them. I can't wait until Christmas.
We're not going this year. Watch the sparks fly!
Signed - Just Wanting
A Little Time With MY Family
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Things first started about
7 months ago. I was about 3 months pregnant after being with
my boyfriend for 3 years. She was the last person to find
out that I was pregnant, because she didn't approve of me for her
son. Well, on Valentine's Day he wanted to take me to his
house to finally meet his mom, since I was pregnant and we would
be starting a life together. He asked her if it was ok if
I came over and we met. She said no, and that she didn't want
to have anything to do with me. Then, two months later, I
had a spontaneous abortion. She didn't once step into the
hospital to see me or her son, or even to meet her dead grandchild.
I have done nothing to this woman. I have never even met her
or shaken her hand. Should I just stop trying???
Signed - Annoyed!!!!!!!!!!!
RESPONSE: Annoyed!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes. She is nasty.
RESPONSE: Annoyed!!!!!!!!!!!
Definitely. She has nothing to offer.
RESPONSE: Annoyed!!!!!!!!!!!
YES!
RESPONSE: Annoyed!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, you should stop trying.
RESPONSE: Annoyed!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes! Try to fake being pleasant for your BF's sake - life is too
short to waste worrying about mannerless people!
RESPONSE: Annoyed!!!!!!!!!!!
Ummm. I am sorry for your loss, but some people are creeped out
by a dead child. And, maybe she didn't take it seriously since
your BF, unfortunately, didn't care enough to marry you. I am sorry
for your situation.
RESPONSE: Annoyed!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes. Just stop trying. You're wasting your energy on her. I would
make sure that your BF is going to be supportive of you over her
if you ever decide to get married, too. Otherwise, your life will
be he!!.
RESPONSE: Annoyed!!!!!!!!!!!
YES, STOP TRYING!!! If she didn't want to meet you when you were
3 months pregnant, why would she show up at the hospital?!?!? Good
luck!
RESPONSE: Annoyed!!!!!!!!!!!
Just a thought - not many people know (or like to call) a miscarriage
"spontaneous abortion".
RESPONSE: Annoyed!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, stop trying! You don't know how much worse it could get.
Take the refusal as a blessing, and enjoy your life with your own
little family that you create. Best of luck!
RESPONSE: Annoyed!!!!!!!!!!!
My heartfelt condolences on the loss of your baby. Your story is
very disturbing, in that it took your BF three whole years and a
pregnancy before he thought to bring you over to meet his mother.
What is HIS story??!! Does she live in a foreign land or on the
other side of the continent? Does he have a somewhat cool relationship
with her, or is he keeping his relationship with you on the sideline?
A man usually knows very early on if he's with a girl with whom
he could get serious, and the introduction to mama often comes soon
after. Even if it was she who didn't want to meet you, he should
have insisted if you are important to him. Three years is much
too long. As far as his mother goes, I wouldn't put any effort
into a relationship with her until you figure out what's going on
with your BF. Look long and hard at his character and what his
intentions truly are. If things between BF and his mother are somewhat
distant, there's a reason for it, and you can just follow his lead.
"Emotional Incest"
or Something More? I am glad this topic has recently been
exposed in the popular self-help literature, because scientific
literature has more recently recognized how previously underreported
mother-son physical incest has been. This pathology is a great
tragedy, and has potential to destroy many lives. I am afraid
some of that may have been at play between my MIL and my DH.
Fitting the typical profile of the mothers who perpetrate such incest,
she divorced when DH was a child. She was so bitter about
it that she forbade her only son from ever talking about his absent
father. He is her only child. She had had multiple,
multiple sexual relationships before she met his father, but never
a child until DH. Since DH's arrival, she ceased dating.
There is report of much physical violence on his father's part,
but DH does not remember much, and has always been taught by MIL
not to talk or think about his father. Even now, DH gets angry
when I try to ask him about his father. DH is her only child.
He lived with her throughout school, including college, and never
had a serious romance until he met me. MIL was irate when
I was introduced to her, and took a long time to even bring herself
to speak to me in a civilized way. Before that, she just had
a very cold shoulder, or insulted me often in an offhand, joking
manner, with anger just brimming underneath. I don't know
why I ended up embroiled in this love triangle by marrying DH, despite
my deep misgivings. He spends about 8 weeks a year vacationing
with her. I am never invited. He has never, even for
a single day, failed to call her on the phone. Each conversation
lasts exactly 30 minutes. The cooing I hear on the phone when
they talk sounds exactly like the sound of lovers, or like pet-owners
when they talk to their pets, or like parents when they coo to infants.
I think it is quite unnatural for a 40 year old man to talk with
his mother this way, and for her to call him, "Baby",
"Kitty", or "My sweet, sweet muffin".
And, the photos of their vacations together show them, sometimes
in their bathing suits, standing quite close, just like a husband-wife
couple. She has a penchant for posing in front of marble statues
of naked, slightly post-pubescent young men in museums, while DH
takes her picture. Her cleavage is often showing prominently,
and her breasts are often up right against his chest when they pose.
He has, for the past 3 years, ceased vacationing with me.
Every holiday is saved for his mom, since she sent him a gift of
a CD one Christmas containing songs about mothers, old age, and
dying lonely. I used to ignore this, feeling guilty for being
jealous. And, I would rationalize that DH's behavior reveals
nothing but the greatest kindness, for he was trying to keep his
long-divorced mother from feeling lonely in her old age. Funny
how she never even makes the slightest attempt to date anyone.
She is quite an attractive woman. Yet, a favorite topic of
conversation between them is regarding her most recent obsession
with some young male movie star, now Brad Pitt, now Leonardo DiCaprio.
It seems that instead of trying to find a date, she must be longing
for DH 's phone call each day, and he never fails her. I am
not a scientist, but being quite curious, I have been doing a lot
of internet research. A friend of mine told me about a web
site which references all kinds of medical journal articles.
My DH's situation with his MIL sounds a lot like the mother-son
incest cases that I see published over and over in official science
journals. It is quite interesting, but quite sad. I
see the desperate look in my husband's eyes sometimes when I have
confronted him with this matter, but, in similar fashion to his
refusal to talk about his father, he refuses to sustain this subject
when I bring it up. It has become very painful for me to watch
him struggle. Has anyone had a similar experience? Does
anyone know the first step that I should take in trying to help
my DH? Our relationship has definitely been hampered by MIL's
intrusiveness and flirtatious clinging to my DH. He is so
devoted and guilt-driven to do everything he can to provide the
love that is so lacking in my MIL's life. I feel sorry for
her also. How can I help them both, and myself, short of seeing
a psychiatrist?
Signed - I Feel So Sorry
For Them And For Me
RESPONSE: I Feel So Sorry For Them And For Me
Run! Run away now!!!!
RESPONSE: I Feel So Sorry For Them And For Me
Get out of this relationship now. They are poison.
RESPONSE: I Feel So Sorry For Them And For Me
Leave, and go find a real man. Your DH is really married to his
mother. It won't change.
RESPONSE: I Feel So Sorry For Them And For Me
You can help DH by divorcing him. You are the other woman in this
relationship. Why do you exclude psychiatry? A psychiatrist is
the only chance to help any of you. You should explore whatever
issues you have that have caused you to put up with this for so
long. I think you need a lawyer as well. From your letter, you
really don't have a marriage at this point, anyway.
RESPONSE: I Feel So Sorry For Them And For Me
I hate to say this, but divorce him. You haven't gone on a vacation
with him in three years because he's vacationing with his MOTHER?
And, you're not invited? The he!!? Either you must not really
care about this problem, or you are willing to have a sham of a
marriage.
RESPONSE: I Feel So Sorry For Them And For Me
Sweetie! This is one of the sickest accounts of a marriage that
I have ever read. I believe that all your gut feelings are absolutely
correct, and that your DH is definitely, certainly on an emotional
level, if not physical as well, cheating on you with his mother.
Your question is how you can help him and yourself, short of seeing
a psychiatrist. The thing is that your situation is so extreme
that you SHOULD see a psychiatrist, or else leave him do so. You
are enabling his sick obsession by staying, and doing damage to
yourself as well by selling yourself short. You have to start by
believing that you are worthy of a man's full devotion and attention.
Nothing short of this is acceptable.
RESPONSE: I Feel So Sorry For Them And For Me
Hey - I am the person who wrote the response to your story that
started with "Sweetie". I am Swedish, but lived in the
US for seven years. I wanted to share with you that I had a BF
throughout college (long time ago) who was also way too close to
his mother. I found out that they used to share masturbation fantasies!
When he was growing up, they lived in a huge loft with no walls,
only partitions, so he could always hear her make love with her
BF. A very, very liberal family, but, still, it was completely
disgusting. I am now 40, and in a very sane and balanced relationship
with a man for 6 years. He treated me like a princess from the
start, and it is getting better all the time. My college experience
(I stayed with the guy for years) taught me, in the end, that there
is love out there that is slated just for you, that you need not
manipulate to get. In the end, you need to retain your dignity.
RESPONSE: I Feel So Sorry For Them And For Me
Get counseling- major counseling. This is not "normal"
and it needs to be addressed by a professional. The abuse (there
is also a book out called "Emotional Blackmail", it will
help you a lot) has gone on soooooo long that your encouragement
is not going to stop this. I'm going to lay it out flat for you.
This woman is robbing you of a husband. He devoted himself to you,
FORSAKING ALL OTHERS. It doesn't say "every one but my mother".
YOU are #1. And, if you allow this to continue, YOU are robbing
yourself. Please get help. I will have you in my prayers. Please
update us when you can. It's time you (since your DH won't) stand
up for yourself and for your marriage.
RESPONSE: I Feel So Sorry For Them And For Me
Why stop short of seeing a psychiatrist? In other words, you really
don't want to solve the problem. You can't make him or your MIL
change, but getting counseling will help you decide if you want
to live as part of a threesome for the rest of your life.
RESPONSE: I Feel So Sorry For Them And For Me
Stop feeling sorry for everyone. Stop analyzing this to death,
and STOP bringing up his father. It's not getting you anywhere.
What you need to start doing is fighting for your life. There is
something very wrong here that you need to address. A man does
NOT leave his wife for 8 weeks a year to vacation with his mother.
He does not coo into the phone every single day with anyone other
than his wife or young child. You need to realize that DH is having
an affair. Even if it's not sexual, it is definitely an affair.
Whether it is another man, woman or his own mother (ewww!), are
you really OK with this? I know that you don't want to see a professional,
but why not hire a detective to find out what is going on? Your
story hit a little close to home with me. There are similarities
to my first marriage. Eventually, I discovered that my ex was involved
with another man. His behavior was similar to your DH's, except
that it was a grandmother who helped with the cover-up.
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