Worst gift: For my first
Christmas with my husband, MIL gave me a pair of tube socks and
Halloween jelly beans, all were in nice in little packages in
case I wanted to share them with my friends!
Signed - How Thoughtful!
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Ok, this woman isn't exactly
my MIL, she's the girlfriend of FIL. I guess this is a general
IL problem. I had my DD this spring, no big. The ILs
were slated to come down that day, but the roads were too bad.
T G! Well, first, here's a synopsis of the relationship that
I have with my ILs. I first met FIL's GF on Labor Day weekend
of '02. I was just a few months pregnant, and she kept giving
me "advice", like, "Oh, you should take a sun dried
washcloth to your nipples/breasts to toughen them up for breastfeeding."
*???!!!* The woman rubbed me the wrong way from the beginning.
When we went up for Christmas, she put a bunch of stuff on my plate
that I couldn't stand, and she watched me like a hawk until I finished
all that was on the plate, stating, "It is good for the growing
baby." Well, I had the baby. My mom flew down from
a different province to help me out while I recovered, and gave
me a few hints/tips along the way. We had JUST moved into
a new apartment when the baby arrived, and nothing was unpacked.
My mom busted her butt cleaning and unpacking stuff. A week
after DD was born, the ILs showed up - FIL, his GF and his GF's
daughter. This mad woman had the NERVE to say, "This
place is FILTHY!", after mom spent a whole week cleaning and
unpacking. Then, she tromped through the apartment, making
a list of things that it needed. She tried to throw out a
bunch of stuff that wasn't horrible, just a bit ratty, like an ANTIQUE
ROCKING CHAIR from my deceased grandfather (it happened to be broken
and was waiting to be fixed), a blanket that my deceased grandmother
had woven, and other things. She threw out my mom's bath poof,
she hid my peri bottle, and, get this, SHE WASHED THE BABY'S TUB
WITH A HARSH CLEANER!! This tub has a yellow sponge on the
bottom, and on the part where the baby lays for a sponge bath.
I spent 2 hours rinsing it after the madwoman left. Oh, and
here's the kicker, the GF's daughter had the NERVE to come up and
ask me why I wasn't doing anything. And, she felt that because
I wasn't helping, I was ungrateful. HELLO?? I JUST HAD
A BABY A WEEK AGO! Well, I'll shorten this up a bit.
I went to the IL's a week before I moved back with my parents.
The 2nd day into the visit, FIL's GF came by. She asked if
DD was taking a pacifier yet and I said, "No, she gets confused
and sucks differently when she nursed, and it hurt."
She told me, "No, DD didn't suck differently after taking a
pacifier, and blah, blah, blah." I RIPPED into her.
Then, she lit a cigarette while I was holding my daughter, RIGHT
NEXT TO HER! I promptly got up and took DD outside.
For the rest of the week I was "grounded" to the house
of GMIL, a whiney old woman who complains about everything.
She kept giving me dirty looks whenever DD opened her mouth to cry.
Well, I moved back with my parents. FIL asked DF if he had
the bank card so that he could send some $$. Well, I took
the bank card with me to my parent's because I was expecting a check
to be direct deposited. FIL got mad. HELLO?? It's
MY account - the check was in MY name. The account was NOT
joint. UGH! Now, DF got into some real trouble.
And, get this, the ILs are BLAMING ME! I wasn't there to "keep
an eye on DF". BAH! The man is 21 years old, he
should know how to take care of himself. Those people make
me sooooo maad!
Signed - I'm So Glad
To Be Away From Them!
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
My husband comes from
a large family. He told me, before we got married, that he
was the black sheep. I really didn't believe him then.
But, time has proven that it's true. So, since they don't
really like him, how can I expect them to like me? His mom
rarely remembers his birthday. For years I would send her
gifts on her birthday, Mother's Day, and Christmas if we weren't
there to give it to her in person. She sent me a card maybe
twice in 20+ years. She clearly prefers my husband's ex, and
doesn't have any qualms about updating us on her and her children
(from her second marriage). My husband has told her how uncomfortable
it makes me, but she does not care. The ex and my husband
were only married for a short time. The ex was desperate for
children, and did finally carry one to term. Months after
this child was born, she filed for divorce from my DH and IMMEDIATELY
married a man who adopted the child. They went on to have
more children. I never begrudged MIL the relationship with
the ex, but I don't feel that I need to be subjected to having my
nose rubbed in the intimate details of the ex's life. I put
up with this (and more) for years because I wanted our children
to have at least a sense of an extended family. Our children
are grown now, and I'm tired of trying. I can be polite to
this woman on the phone, but I feel no need to ever see her again.
I'm sure that this hurts my husband, as he doesn't get to see his
siblings as often, or on holidays. Any advice? THANKS!
Signed - The Black Sheep
RESPONSE: The Black Sheep
Any advice? Yeah, get over it. Your DH obviously cares nothing
for his ex-wife or his ex-child. For the new guy to be able to
adopt, he had to sign over his rights.
RESPONSE: The Black Sheep
Well, if the child was adopted by the stepfather, then that means
that your DH had to give up all parental rights. Why was that?
How is he with the children that you have together?
RESPONSE: The Black Sheep
Your DH is probably used to their abuse, and it doesn't bother him
a bit not to see them. Let them go. Get on with your life, they're
nothing but a nuisance.
RESPONSE: The Black Sheep
He can just go to see his family WITHOUT you. You've earned it
after putting up with her preference for the ex nonsense for 20+
years. If she wants to know why, you and DH should be open and
tell her why. You deserve more respect than she's given you, and
she deserves much less consideration.
RESPONSE: The Black Sheep
Tell her FLAT OUT that you and DH (or better yet, let DH) are not
interested in any more of her updates on THIS WOMAN. Even ask her
what her obsession is with her. Tell her that you will no longer
discuss it. If she continues, walk away once the topic is approached.
Tackle the high road.
Please help. I
have the meanest MIL in the world. She talks behind my back,
and often right to my face whenever nobody else is around to hear
her. She has even gone as far as to say to me that she would
like to push me off a cliff, and she says that her son wouldn't
even miss me. I know my husband loves me to death. A
lot of those times I have run to him and told him what she has said
to me. Sometimes, he would ignore it and say, "Well,
that's just my mom," and other times he would call and chew
her out. She would downright lie and say that she didn't say
or do those things, or just change the subject completely and start
her pity-pot (how nobody loves her). It has caused a lot of
hard times between my husband and me. Now we have a child
of 4, and MIL refuses to do anything for our son because, as she
puts it, "He looks a lot like you." I have tried
to be the best person I can to her. I have loaned her money.
I have always sent cards and given her things. All I ever
wanted was for her to accept me as part of the family. I now
stand up to her after 7 long years of just crying to my husband,
and that has just made it worse for me, as far as the rest of my
in-laws go. They hate me. I do feel better about myself
since I have stood up to her. But, she lies to the rest of
her family, and says that I am lippy and hateful. I don't
see it that way. My feelings get hurt easily, and I have just
had enough. I love my husband, and don't want to leave him,
but just don't know what to do??? She won't be happy till
I am out of his life, even though he is a better person (now that
we have been together for 10 long years). Do you have any
advice on what I should do?
Signed - I Have The Meanest
MIL In The World
RESPONSE: I Have The Meanest MIL In The World
You need to tell DH to SUPPORT YOU. That's what spouses do for
each other. Don't take any cr@p from them - you don't deserve it.
RESPONSE: I Have The Meanest MIL In The World
Why would you consider leaving the man you love because his mom
is a nutcase? Just don't go around her, or his family.
RESPONSE: I Have The Meanest MIL In The World
You also have the wimpiest DH in the world. He needs to tell his
mommy to get bent, and put you and your child first. Please drag
his lame butt to counseling. He is the problem here! Good luck!
RESPONSE: I Have The Meanest MIL In The World
My heart goes out to you. I would try to avoid her as much possible.
Cut all the cards and gift giving. This evil woman does not deserve
it. If, for some reason, you do have to see her (like at family
functions etc.), be polite and just avoid her. I'm happy to hear
that you're standing up for yourself. Good Luck!!!
RESPONSE: I Have The Meanest MIL In The World
Tell DH to grow a pair and stand up to mommy. HE is the real problem,
and his inaction to protect you from MIL is a lot worse than MIL's
insults and nasty comments. If DH truly loved you, he would tell
MIL to shut up and to respect you. Since DH won't stand up for
you, cut the ILs off. There's no need to tolerate their bad behavior.
Don't let your children see the ILs, either. DH can go, but that's
it.
RESPONSE: I Have The Meanest MIL In The World
If DH won't be a decent man about his mother, then you BOTH should
go to counseling to find out why he is so passive and aggressive
the next. The bottom line: When two people marry, it's because
they are creating their OWN life. And, any extensions from BOTH
THE WIFE AND HUSBAND'S family are exhausted unless they create a
positive environment for the marriage to thrive on. What many people
need to understand is simply this: Do you want your children to
be surrounded by negative people? If not, why put up with it?
Just because people are "family", that does NOT give anyone
the power to insult or abuse the title. This is just my own two
cents.
RESPONSE: I Have The Meanest MIL In The World
Record a few conversations with her. You know, the ones that occur
when no one else is ever around to hear. Be yourself, and just
let her be herself. Then, let DH listen to them. After he hears
them, tell him that this is not the kind of behavior that you want
to subject your children to, because it teaches them the wrong lessons.
Tell him that HE is welcome to have any kind of relationship that
he wants with his mother. After all, she IS his mother, and you
are a mother, too, and would hate not to see your kids. But, that
YOU and the children will no longer make any effort to see the negative
woman who says nasty things. Refrain from saying judgmental things
about his mooootheerrrr. Then, sit back and wait for DH to realize
that he doesn't LIKE spending much time with the old bat.
RESPONSE: I Have The Meanest MIL In The World
Move on. Get yourself to a place where she can do anything and
say anything to you and you won't bat an eyelash. You must stop
caring whether she likes you or not, and whether the family likes
you or not. I was in precisely your shoes, and I finally organized
my life to spend time with people who care about me. My in-laws
are just something I deal with when I must. They don't even faze
me anymore. I don't care. I have gained confidence in myself.
You can, too. Good luck.
RESPONSE: I Have The Meanest MIL In The World
You never know what the future holds. She could drop dead tomorrow.
I would say to just ignore her and be happy. Toxic MILs HATE happy
DILs (but they already hate their DILs, so what is the difference???).
Happiness is the best revenge. Put her in a little box in your
mind, and know that you have the power, not her. She can say anything,
but she can't control you unless you let her. I learned this the
hard way. Also know that she is a miserable, insecure person, and
what she says and does is the evidence of this. Also, do some good
in the world. That is healing in and of itself, so if you haven't
already done so, get involved in something positive (like dog rescue,
feeding the homeless, saving baby sea turtles, whatever). Good
luck!! You are not alone!!!!!! I, too, have a mean witch for a
MIL (ex, that is). See Hagatha!!
RESPONSE: I Have The Meanest MIL In The World
I truly empathize with you, as well as many other readers. You
are not alone. I went through the same ordeal with my MIL. I think
the term "miscommunication" means "Dear Son, I am
desperately trying to cover my butt, and I can't think of any other
way to do it." In other words, this is a common verbal and
emotional abuse tactic that a MIL does to a DIL and son. My MIL
stated to me, once, that DH stayed married to me as a "special
favor". What an insult! I'm sorry, but I'm not desperate.
She pulled this around our first wedding anniversary, when DH was
at basic training. Needless to say, it took a lot of doing to get
our marriage back on track, and our involvement with her is very
minimal now. There are, more than likely, some mental health issues
with her. People like this have an extremely difficult time owning
up to anything, and taking accountability for their behavior. This
is obviously a terrible fault to have. She probably verbally abused
her own children as they grew up, and used this tactic with their
father. Just remember that the problem is with her, and not with
you, nor with your marriage. This woman is in dire need of excellent
psychiatric counseling. Marriage counseling worked for DH and me,
as we learned how to keep a united defense, protect our children,
and strengthen our marriage. After all, this behavior can do some
wear and tear on any strong solid relationship. This will help
DH to learn that it is okay to stand up to his parents when they
are mistreating him and the ones he loves the most. He needs your
love, support, and empathy, because this is the type of environment
he grew up in. Hence, he will learn from you and your family what
a nurturing and cherishing family is, and how much better it is
than a perishing family.
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