I have been married for 2 years.
We love each other, have good careers, make decent money, and
live a quiet lifestyle. We would like to have a child soon.
Being that I am 33 years old, I do not have much time left.
DH is 31 years old. DH and I have been talking about how
things should be arranged when the baby comes; like whether or
not we need a sedan, what should we do with our truck, or who
is going to care for the baby once I go back to work. DH
surprised me and told me that he was going to give the truck as
a gift to his father (they have more than enough money), and also
that he was going to ask his parents to come and live next to
us (they live 2 hours away). My relationship with MIL and
FIL is cordial. I try to respect them and honor their birthdays
or holidays. However, I do not like the way my MIL acts.
She does not like foreigners (I am not American), and no matter
what I do, it is never good enough, and she will look at it in
doubt. Although she does not say it out loud, I can tell
what she is thinking by what she says indirectly. MIL is
very jealous about the fact that, although I am an immigrant in
the US, I have made a place for myself (I have two masters, a
decent job, and I married a great guy a little younger (her son)
than myself, who is also successful in life). She is overweight
and has never worked in her life (she lived on FIL's money - FIL
is, by the way, a decent person). MIL's favorite person
is her daughter, who is a very immature 30 year old. She
is very cold, egocentric, and pretends that I do not exist (she
does not speak to me for unknown reasons). MIL complains
about everything when we go to visit her. She watches my
every move, and always makes put-downs about things or people.
I try to keep visits to her house to a minimum. Visiting
them is so very stressful, painful, and boring. In this
situation I would not want MIL to live next to me or take care
of my baby. I told my DH that I will be happy to visit MIL
and FIL when we have a baby, but it is better for us and them
that things remain as they are (since they do not know anybody
in our city and will be in our place bothering us all the time).
Signed - Bothering
Us All The Time
0
2
0
4
0
6
0
Strongly Agree
Somewhat Agree
Somewhat Disagree
Strongly Disagree
Please Seek Counseling
Continue on Message
Board
Worst gift: Well, my
life, as many say, is a duplicate of the show "Everybody Loves
Raymond". My MIL thinks that she is going to lose her
son, and definitely does not want to gain me for a DIL; although
I'm beginning to understand that no one would be good enough for
her son. For my birthday, my MIL gave me a gift. Prior
to opening it, she said, "I noticed that the craft arrangements
that you made need work." With that, I opened the gift.
It is something that is supposed to improve my crafting abilities
(a "how to" kit). It probably would be a nice gift
for someone who is interested in it. It was her presentation
that really hurt. For our engagement and shower we received
an IOU on the same gift. We did not received it until she
gave the same gift to us again for our anniversary. When we
opened it, it was broken. She said, "Oh well, I'll see
what I can do, but I don't think I'll be able to exchange it."
To this day we still don't have the gift. My husband and I
would argue about her behavior and how I felt that we shouldn't
spend so much time and money on her gifts. I used to take
my anger out on him; then he would side with his mom. I've
learned to deal with my anger in a different way, by finding ways
to gain self-satisfaction. My self-satisfaction came when
I used parts of the craft gift as decor on gift packaging.
Surprisingly, the gifts really looked cool and everyone commented
on how nice they looked (I would never use the craft the way she
intended me to). I sold the rest of the kit and videos at
a flea market. After opening the broken "engagement,
shower, and anniversary gift", I didn't say anything.
Later, my husband suggested that we try to buy the item together.
I grunted "OK", and kept my mouth shut. One day,
we were browsing through an antique shop and guess what we found?
The item that she was trying to give us, over and over again.
Only this one was better. We got a great deal on it, and discovered
that it's worth more than the modern version my MIL was trying to
give us. Each time I see the antique item, it reminds me of
how my husband and I worked together and rose above her immature
behavior. So, my advice to many of you who have problems with
your MIL is to keep peace and find self satisfaction. It will
have great rewards.
Signed - It Works For
Me
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
MIL strikes again!
DH's family has a family reunion every July. The reunion is
about 1,000 miles from our house, in another state. Since
DH is in the Marines and they are not letting him take leave, we
will not be attending. DH also has school that weekend.
MIL is fuming. She thinks that we are trying to keep the kids
from her. She has never seen our youngest DD. I don't
want to drive 1,000 miles by myself, so she is calling me all sorts
of stuff. I really want to go. I hate MIL and her side
of the family, but I have a good friend who lives a few miles from
the reunion. I had planned to show up at the reunion on 1
day and see my friend on the 2 other days. Since March we
have been telling MIL that we will not be attending. DH had
school, and, since the war began, all leave was canceled.
Just yesterday she finally told the rest of her side of the family.
Now GMIL is mad because she made hotel reservations for us.
MIL talks to her every day, we only talk to GMIL when we see her
or on her birthday when we call. We called GMIL on her birthday
yesterday. While talking to her, we told her that we would
not be attending. She said, "Oh, MIL is going to be so
upset." I informed her that MIL has known since March
that we were not going to be attending. GMIL said, "I
just talked to MIL, and she told me that you guys were coming."
Then she yelled at me because she had made the reservations.
I just hung the phone up on her. Then DH got a call back from
MIL saying "how dare" we tell GMIL, and that we upset
GMIL on her birthday. DH hung up on his mother and GMIL called
back to tell DH that I was a liar. She said that MIL never
knew that we were not coming to the reunion. DH informed her
that he told MIL in March. GMIL told DH that I made him a
liar, and then she told him NOT TO COME TO THE reunion. Now
I refuse to talk to or have any contact with MIL's family anymore.
Or, should I try to patch it all up?
Signed - Not Going To
Drive 1000 Miles Alone With 3 Young Kids
RESPONSE: Not Going To Drive 1000 Miles Alone With
3 Young Kids
Stick to your guns on the non-contact with MIL's family! They sound
very manipulative.
RESPONSE: Not Going To Drive 1000 Miles Alone With
3 Young Kids
Why should you work to patch things up? You haven't done anything
wrong. Trust me, the more you "bend over" for these people,
the more they'll take advantage of you.
RESPONSE: Not Going To Drive 1000 Miles Alone With
3 Young Kids
Your first idea was the best. Do not have any contact with them.
Do not try to patch it up. You have done nothing wrong! Why would
you want to patch it up with people who have called you a "liar"?
RESPONSE: Not Going To Drive 1000 Miles Alone With
3 Young Kids
DO NOT PATCH ANYTHING UP!!! They (MIL and GMIL) brought this on
themselves. They are selfish, and they called you a liar to your
face. They don't deserve to see you or your children.
RESPONSE: Not Going To Drive 1000 Miles Alone With
3 Young Kids
No matter what you do, they are going to believe what they want
to believe. Forget it, move on, and thank heaven that you don't
have contact with them.
RESPONSE: Not Going To Drive 1000 Miles Alone With
3 Young Kids
Stay away from these people. They cause way too many problems.
You can't stand them anyway. Why put up with them?!? Good luck!!!
RESPONSE: Not Going To Drive 1000 Miles Alone With
3 Young Kids
Heck no, don't patch things up. You seem like a nice girl who married
into a bad bunch, like me. I don't speak to my MIL, because she
did crazy stuff like that, too. You've done nothing wrong. If
there's any patching up to be done, MIL should do it.
RESPONSE: Not Going To Drive 1000 Miles Alone With
3 Young Kids
It sounds like your MIL has woven a web to back her own lies, and
you are the one caught in it. Send a nice, well written letter
to each, and say that you would like to stay in contact, but the
lies must stop. If your MIL really gives a hoot, she will reply.
If not, DH will know who the immature one is, and, after all, he
is the important one here.
RESPONSE: Not Going To Drive 1000 Miles Alone With
3 Young Kids
Forget it, and buy caller id. Don't pick up when it is 1,000 miles
away. You are lucky that they are not in your backyard. Think
of what healthy minds and hearts your three young children will
have for not being exposed to such bad behavior. It has taken me
12 years to say "enough". I have learned that I'm not
going to change their thinking, but I can change mine. I have stopped
feeling guilty about it!
RESPONSE: Not Going To Drive 1000 Miles Alone With
3 Young Kids
Ummm, what exactly are you proposing to "patch up"? MIL's
denial? MIL's lies? GMIL's abrasive, confrontational personality?
Let it go. They spun themselves up. They'll spin themselves down.
All your efforts will do is muddy the waters. Thank your lucky
stars that DH supports you, sees them clearly, and that you live
1,000 miles away.
Though my boyfriend and
I aren't married yet (we are scheduled to be married next summer),
I am already experiencing (and have been experiencing) MIL related
angst since day one. Like all MILs, nobody is good enough
for her "baby boy". And, I feel obligated to add
that he is not her baby boy, she has a 10-year-old son. In
the beginning of our relationship I was not a church person at all,
though I was spiritual, owned a Bible, and believed in God.
The first thing his mother asked him, when he told her about me,
was, "Is she X (another religion from her own)???"
That tipped me off that things would be rocky. I mean, if
she can't even get over something as small as a religious difference
(not that there was one to begin with), then how would she be able
to deal with anything else that may come along? Well, when
I met my boyfriend, I was a senior in high school and he was only
a sophomore. Yes, he was younger than me, but not by much,
and I accepted the fact that there would be rules that he would
have to follow that I had stopped following a long time ago.
The summer after I graduated, she instituted a rule that we could
only see each other twice a week - only on the weekend and never
two days in a row. Family functions (his family functions)
that I was forced to go to counted as one of our days, and our phone
time was extremely limited. Recently, however, things have
gotten worse. I am now 21 and my boyfriend is 19. He
has lived away from home, in his own place, for roughly 1 1/2 years
and yet he still has rules. He had a time that he was supposed
to be home at HIS place (they'd call to see if he was there, and
since his dad came home from work around 1 AM, he'd drive by to
make sure that he was there). And if he wasn't there, they'd
accuse him of "shacking up" with me, even though he was
most often at one of his guy friend's houses. His mother would
constantly require him to spend the night at her place, simply to
make sure that he wasn't with me. She has called my house
constantly when he wasn't there, asking for him. If I said
that he wasn't there, she'd call back 30 minutes later from a different
number and ask again. Recently my DF joined the Coast Guard.
There is a weight limit, and he happened to be 4 pounds over it.
This, of course, was my fault. FMIL constantly called me a
slut behind my back (even though her son is the only person I've
been with, as I am the only one he as been with), and talks trash
about my mother (who is sick with diabetes and has lost all eyesight
in one of her eyes) and grandmother. Recently I was at my
boyfriend's place with him, his older sister (who is my age), his
little brother, and their 15-year-old cousin from out of town, when
his mom barged in and immediately started ragging on him for being
"fat". He is in no way fat, nor am I. Knowing
that I was there, she continued to say that he would have never
gotten that big if it weren't for "certain people", and
that he had stooped to my "disgusting level". In
the past he wouldn't have said anything in my defense. He
was convinced that she was just blowing off steam to deal with the
fact that she's losing him to me. But, since I was there,
he stood up for me, screaming, "Mom, I'm sick of you treating
DF the way you do! She's right here and she can hear you!!
Why don't you just say everything to her face? Are you chicken?"
And she said, "I DON'T THINK YOU WANT ME TO DO THAT."
He eventually told her that she disgusted him, and that he can't
stand being around her anymore. And, he slammed the door in
her face. The thing that gets me is that I have done absolutely
nothing to this woman but be nice. I let her bark commands
at me when I'm at her house, I have baby-sat her youngest child
at her house, and I have done other favors for her other children.
Signed - MIL Related
Angst Since Day One
RESPONSE: MIL Related Angst Since Day One
I highly suggest that you get a BF your own age, or maybe a little
older. I question why anyone in college would want to date a kid
in high school, as you were doing.
RESPONSE: MIL Related Angst Since Day One
Your mistake was to continue to be nice when she kept dumping on
you. And, I'm glad that your BF is developing a spine. I confess,
I was amazed that he was letting his parents boss him around when
he lives on his own!
RESPONSE: MIL Related Angst Since Day One
Stop doing things for FMIL! She is only using you until she can
convince DS to break up with you. Seriously, you have no business
getting married so young, especially to a man who let FMIL cr@p
on you for years. Break up with baby boy, go away to college, date
other men, and live life before you settle down.
RESPONSE: MIL Related Angst Since Day One
I'm glad to hear that your fiancé stood up for you. Limit
your visits to her house and start standing up for yourself. It
sounds to me that his parents are having trouble letting go. They
need to seek counseling. My personal opinion is that I think you
guys are getting married too young. But if you guys are happy and
in-love, I wish you nothing but the best. Good luck!!!
RESPONSE: MIL Related Angst Since Day One
"He eventually told her that she disgusted him, and that he
can't stand being around her anymore." Don't let this guy
go! He's standing his ground for you - those guys are worth their
weight in gold! I would think that there is very little (if anything)
that you could do for his mother that would change the ways she
acts. She probably realizes how old SHE's getting (now that her
son has a steady honey) and she's acting out.
RESPONSE: MIL Related Angst Since Day One
It sounds like your FDH is starting to grow a spine. Don't marry
him until you are sure that he will always put you before his mother
and stand up to her on your behalf. Really, the woman sounds too
controlling and it is hard for me to imagine a man over the age
of 18, who has his own place, still living under his parent's rules.
And her calling your house for him continually when he isn't there,
and his father's driving by his house to check up on him, sounds
a lot like stalking to me. Perhaps your FDH should lay down some
boundaries for them to respect, in order for them to continue to
have contact with him.
RESPONSE: MIL Related Angst Since Day One
I think that you should definitely take your time getting married.
There is nothing wrong with marrying a younger man, my DH is 4 years
younger than me. It does sound like your DF needs to grow up some.
If his mother is controlling him this much when he doesn't live
at home, she'll try to continue to do so once he's married. It
sounds as if he's starting to exert some independence, but it sounds
as if there is a long way to go before it gets better. Good luck.
RESPONSE: MIL Related Angst Since Day One
Whew. I'm relieved that at the end of the story your DF stood up
to his mother. Up until then, my brain was screaming, "MAMA'S
BOY ALERT! RUN!! RUN!!" I mean, he's over 18, he's living
in his own place, and he's still taking her orders as to his comings
and goings? But it sounds like he's starting get fed up, and to
wise up. Keep an eye on this. You really, truly do *NOT* want
to marry this man if he can't stand up to mom, no matter how sweet
he may be or how good the sex is.
RESPONSE: MIL Related Angst Since Day One
My best suggestion is to "build a fence" around your relationship
(marriage) and not let anyone (family, friends, kids, etc.) in to
that area. As a united front, if the two of you don't want to do
something (or whatever), nothing else should matter. She'll just
have to get over herself. And, by insulting you, she's driving
her precious son further away and making herself look completely
the fool. If the two of you are strong and united, things will
work out fine. Good luck!
RESPONSE: MIL Related Angst Since Day One
Wow, I was about to tell you to ditch the mamma's boy, until I got
to the last few sentences. He sounds like he might be a keeper!
My DH has never stood up for me that well and we have been together
eight years! I haven't ditched him because he lets me decide how
often we visit them, and how often they can visit us. As you can
imagine, we only see them once or twice a year. It sounds like
you have the ILs figured out between you. It took me a couple of
years to realize what mine were like.
Note: To better handle the volume of submissions - stories
and responses received will be posted as early as our resources will
allow. Responses to new stories will be accumulated, and then
posted, all at once, to the original story page at a later date (generally,
one set of responses will be posted per day).
DISCLAIMER: All advice on this website is for informational
and entertainment purposes only. All responses are from reader submissions
unless specifically noted otherwise (such as Dr. Terri Apter advice page).
We do not endorse any of the advice. We provide it to you as a service.
We can neither guarantee the soundness of the advice, nor make any claims
as to the outcome of following this advice. We provide it for your
entertainment only. Should you choose to follow any of the advice,
it is solely at your own risk. This is not intended to substitute
for obtaining advice from appropriate sources and/or professional counseling.
We recommend you consult an appropriate professional, counselor, and/or
a trusted advisor before taking any action based on this advice.
B A Squared, LLC and www.motherinlawstories.com make no representations or
guarantees regarding any information dispensed on this site.
Your privacy is important to us. Click here to view our
Privacy Policy.
