Well, it started about 11 years
ago. When my husband and I started planning our wedding,
my ILs wanted us to wait. They seemed to think that it was
too soon for us to get married. We were dating for a little
over 2 years, and engaged for 1 year. They constantly showed
negativity towards us, down to not talking to us at our own wedding.
We have a wedding tape of them giving us dirty looks. It
all boils down to the fact that I do not get along with my husband's
sister, who is very immature, and, at that time, was an alcoholic.
She has grown up, and we have all tried, time and time again,
to get along. It just blows up into big arguments.
At the holidays they ask, "Where are you going to go,"
and, "Why can't you spend more time with us?", and so
on. They have done nothing but downed me by telling me in
e-mails that they would love to tell me how they feel about me,
but I would only take it out on their son. I don't act like
I am a part of their family, nor will I ever be. Most recently,
we had my son's 2nd birthday party, and it went all the way till
midnight (from 1 in the afternoon). My husband ended up
getting the stomach flu, and I called his mother to see if she
could come help watch our kids, but she had more important things
to do. I was at work and I had to leave, which I did not
have a problem with. When I got home, my SIL and MIL called
to see how my husband was feeling, and they went on to say that
we really needed to get some rest and to take it easy. Well,
the next day I picked up my messages on my answering machine,
and my MIL and SIL had failed to turn off their cell phones when
calling my house. They were talking about me and my husband,
stating that we are basically irresponsible, and that if my husband
is sick, he just needs to deal with it. Just really ignorant
things. My feeling is that I need to stay away from them
to keep peace, because with all of the bitter feelings we have,
we will just always end up in arguments.
Signed - I Cannot Stand
These People!
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Strongly Disagree
Please Seek Counseling
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My MIL told us, about
a week before our wedding, that we were not going to get along well,
as we have two different personalities. This woman barely
knows me! My fiancé is more outgoing and sociable than
me, but we think that we compliment each other. We told her
this, and she just shook her head. What's quite funny is that
she and her current husband are quite different in this same way.
Nothing like a little encouragement and support just before the
"big day". She also told us that she would try to
support our decision to marry, even though she was not optimistic.
Signed - Nice, Huh?
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
My fiancé and I
are getting married in five weeks. My future MIL is driving
me crazy. She has been babied by everyone in her family and
beyond. Everyone just gives in to her because "it's her",
and she is relentless. She has been downright rude to my fiancé
and the rest of her kids by saying things like, "You disgust
me," and so on. She has no care or feelings toward anyone
or what they want. So goes the same with me. She was
mad about two months ago because she said that I wasn't involving
her. Since then, I have involved her, but she hasn't done
anything until now. Now that she is starting to start things,
she won't even let me have a say. For instance, she is planning
the rehearsal dinner, and has her "own list" of who to
invite. She is mad at me because I don't want to have kids
at the wedding, and she is frustrated with me about everything.
She now has become very short and rude to me (which is unheard of,
because she is all about show and how she appears to everyone).
She is driving me crazy. What do I do?
Signed - Going Crazy
RESPONSE: Going Crazy
ELOPE
RESPONSE: Going Crazy
Inform FDH that "it's her" is not an acceptable excuse,
and he can either bring MIL in line, or call off the wedding.
RESPONSE: Going Crazy
I think that you should tell this old witch to mind her own business.
If she gets upset that you spoke to her so rudely, just tell her,
"Oh, MIL, I'm sorry that you don't like to hear people speak
plainly. But, it's the way I am," with a HUGE smile on your
face.
RESPONSE: Going Crazy
Put FMIL in her place. It's obvious that she won't behave unless
you make her. And, if you can't make her behave, stop involving
her. She throws tantrums to get her way, as evidenced by how everyone
gives in to her. FMIL's tantrums work because no one will stand
up to her. Start standing up to her, set some boundaries and enforce
consequences. Chances are that FMIL will start to straighten up
over time. If she doesn't, cut her off.
RESPONSE: Going Crazy
Where is your DF when he is pulling this stuff? If he says, "That's
just the way she is," you can bet he will not be standing up
to her when she starts taking over your lives. If he doesn't stand
up, you MUST. Talk to him. Talk to him. Talk to him. Someone
will have to take a stand. If she is not put in her place, she
will NOT stop, and will be more likely to get worse over time.
If he is not willing to step up, you will have to play the hard@ss.
Be sure that he will at least stand behind you. If he can't stand
to cross mama, please think long and hard before you have children
with this man.
Big problem here!
My husband, an only child like myself, had, until we got married
4 1/2 years ago, always lived with his (divorced) mother (they were
almost like husband and wife). He did not have a job until
he was 25. Instead, he studied for first and higher degrees,
and a law conversion course to enable him to become a solicitor
(lawyer). The higher degree course and the law conversion
course were paid for by money inherited from his very rich grandfather.
However, my husband failed to get a job as a solicitor, and has
been working for the last 10 years as a gardener, which he hates.
Unfortunately, whenever I (or anyone) suggest things or ask him
what he would like to do instead, he replies, "I don't know,"
or starts whining like a child. We moved to our present address
3 1/2 years ago, which was meant to be a "fresh start".
I kid you not, during the first month, all he did was sit and read
books and magazines, and made no effort to find a job. He
even moaned about my applying for state benefit whilst neither of
us had a job, despite the fact that we had no money coming in!
He even moaned when I GOT a job!!! He runs down any job I
do. I asked him at the end of the 1st, 2nd and 3rd months,
after moving in, what he was going to do, and when he replied on
the last occasion, as before, "I don't know," I forced
him to advertise for gardening maintenance work again, as there
was just no way we could afford to go on that way. We even
did a course part time at college (over 2 years) in garden and landscape
design (at my instigation) so that we could form a company together,
which we are now doing. However, he doesn't even want to do
THAT enthusiastically. He does not/will not put in the requisite
effort or pay attention to vital details, which has resulted in
customers being very unhappy with some of our work and, I feel,
our reputation being damaged. Basically, he is implying that
he doesn't want to do the job. I feel that he actively tries
to sabotage any effort I make at creating a better life for ourselves,
and that I could run the company better on my own!!! We still
do garden maintenance, but he has days when he just can't be bothered
to do any work and drives straight past customers' houses.
When I protest, he will ignore me and continue to drive straight
home. He will then spend the rest of the day (and most of
the night) playing computer games. On rainy days he will do
the same, instead of actively looking for jobs where he might have
better prospects (I am looking for jobs with landscape architecture
practices, taking requisite computer training, etc.). It's
as if, for him, life is one long big playtime. Oh, and he
STILL doesn't know what he wants to "do". I feel
very strongly that this is partly due to his upbringing and the
example his parents set for him. Neither of his parents have
any qualifications, and have never even bothered to try to better
themselves. Neither have any hobbies or friends outside the
family. FIL is a gardener (ex-farmer) and MIL worked in shops
all her life. FIL married again to a woman who sold her house
to move in with him on the farm that he was running at the time.
After 3 years, she found that FIL had frittered all the money from
the sale of her house away. She pressured him to leave the
farm (which was doing badly because FIL refused to make improvements).
And, because she had always been in highly-paid jobs, she got an
office job and basically "kept him". MIL retired
at about 50, and lives off an inheritance from her father (husband's
rich grandfather). I had to move in with MIL and my husband
for 14 months when I first got married (GRRR) because they needed
to sell their house in order to buy separate houses. This
did happen, eventually. We bought a house, for which we need
to pay my MIL back a large sum of money. I am not sure how
we are going to do this, however, as my husband does not seem remotely
in a hurry to do so. We have been living in our house for
3 ½ years, and we haven't yet paid MIL back a penny.
I can't see that we are ever going to pay her back the money (obviously,
if my husband is not going to make any effort to do so, why should
I bend over backwards to?). When I was living with my husband
and MIL, I did not get on particularly well with her. My husband
was hardly working at all because of wet weather, and she was, of
course, retired. My husband, additionally, ran riding stables
(which my MIL had bought for him - she was a director of their company,
but didn't do anything towards running it), that, likewise, didn't
make very much money. And, I worked in an office, making a
reasonable amount. She demanded that I pick up the bulk of
the household bills, despite the fact that they had coped well enough
before I married my husband, and despite the fact that she and my
husband were both under retirement age and PERFECTLY FIT FOR WORK.
She even suggested to my husband, in front of me, that he ought
to be a "househusband". I am livid about this, as
I think that a 35-year-old, healthy, adult male ought to be able
to support himself. I feel that my MIL and my husband's other
relations, too, have done him a great disservice by babying him
(he is the youngest grandchild on both sides of his family), spoiling
him (he was almost never disciplined as a child), and constantly
comparing him to his father, with whom he has shared some physical
resemblance from early childhood. Thankfully, I do not want
children. My MIL split from FIL, basically, because of the
same problems that I am having with my husband, but she still makes
it clear that she expects me to "produce" by asking me
if I will ever "change my mind"!!! "No way!",
is the answer to that one!!!!! Am I just imagining it, or
are my MIL, FIL and husband a bunch of lazy, unmotivated parasites,
who are just looking for someone else to provide all the time?
I am currently receiving counseling, as this whole attitude is driving
me crazy. I have suggested to my husband that he receive counseling
to try and resolve his problems, but he says, "No way.
They'd cart me away!" What do you think???
Signed - Aries Tiger
Woman
RESPONSE: Aries Tiger Woman
One word: Divorce.
RESPONSE: Aries Tiger Woman
Have him carted away. Then divorce him.
RESPONSE: Aries Tiger Woman
Leave! You sound so unhappy, frustrated, and miserable. Don't
waste your life on these lazy parasites. They aren't worth it,
and they don't even seem to like you. Leave!
RESPONSE: Aries Tiger Woman
For me, it would be "shape up or ship out". He's an adult
now. Personally, I don't have time to "baby" my DH and
be his momma. What would he do if you had kids? It sounds like
you would be the only one doing any work.
RESPONSE: Aries Tiger Woman
I think that if you are married to a 35 year old man who refuses
to work, and has refused to work most of his life, then if you stay
in this marriage, you'll end up being married to a 55 year old man
who isn't working. The whole househusband thing is completely ridiculous,
unless you two have kids and he's being a stay-at-home dad. I think
that the wisest thing you can do is to NOT have children with him.
It may be DH's upbringing that gave him no desire to work, but he's
old enough that the excuse doesn't work anymore. If I were you,
I'd get out of that marriage.
RESPONSE: Aries Tiger Woman
You have done enough. If DH won't go to counseling with you, you
should go yourself, just for peace of mind. It will give you the
strength to strike out on your own, because, seriously, your marriage
to this guy looks like a dead end to me. Good luck!!!
RESPONSE: Aries Tiger Woman
What made you marry this guy in the first place? You are the one
at fault. You knew what he was like. What were you thinking, that
he would instantly change after you married? I just thank god that
you didn't bring children into this mess. Get out while you still
can, but don't be surprised if mommy dearest comes after you (and
you only) for the house money. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Aries Tiger Woman
If I were you, I'd cart him away. He's not a husband, he's a mooch.
Tell him that you don't want children, so you can't be his mommy.
Then, go and get a career that YOU like, not one that you feel trapped
in. This isn't a dress rehearsal. You only get one life. Don't
waste it taking care of him.
RESPONSE: Aries Tiger Woman
Why on earth did you marry this loser? In your own words, he's
whiny, incapable of supporting himself, and doesn't hold up his
end of the marriage, despite a considerable amount of effort on
your part to make opportunities for him. It's been almost five
years, and you haven't figured out that you're a giant enabler?
Dump him and get on with your life without the millstone about your
neck! It sounds like your ILs are the *least* of your problems!
RESPONSE: Aries Tiger Woman
I think that they're a bunch of lazy parasites, and you're allowing
yourself to be a doormat. They are not going to change. Your DH
is 35, and his mother is over 50, and if they haven't gotten their
acts together by now, it AIN'T gonna happen. I'd be running for
the nearest divorce attorney. And, I'm wondering WHY you married
this clod to begin with?
RESPONSE: Aries Tiger Woman
WAKE UP!!!! Your DH is lazy and will never change. Move out, and
go find a real man with a job. This situation ain't gonna get better.
Your DH can go back to live with his momma and play games all day
long.
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