Frequent
Fry Her TM
- foreigntemptress, 3 of 4 needed/Posted:
8-AUG-03
FMIL and DF's ex like to get together and b!tch
about me. Then, it trickles back to DF because both of them
want to show how pleased they are that they've been talking about
me. I've met each of them for one week only, and both of
them are convinced that I don't love him. Apparently, they're
horrified that I don't kiss him, etc. Well, I was always
taught it was VERY rude to kiss your DF in front of your guests,
especially his ex! So, they get together and have their
little chats about me. I think DF doesn't tell me most of
it - he doesn't need to. Incidentally, the first time I
met the ex, she pleaded with me to "give him back",
"give her one more chance", etc. If DF had WANTED
another chance, he wouldn't be my DF!
Signed - They Are Convinced
That I Don't Love Him
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1
0
Strongly Agree
Somewhat Agree
Somewhat Disagree
Strongly Disagree
Please Seek Counseling
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My MIL caught my bouquet
at my wedding. She knocked down two of my friends and a friend's
12 year old daughter to get it. I have the pictures to prove
it. This was after she had invited people to the wedding behind
our back (we were paying for it ourselves and had limited space)
and told us that she would refuse to come to the wedding if we didn't
do things the way she wanted. That was six years ago and she's
still single. Why am I not surprised?
Signed - Not Surprised
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
Frequent
Fry Her TM
- foreigntemptress, 4 of 4 needed/Posted:
8-AUG-03
I'm really getting bad feelings about the FMIL.
FDH is 22 now. MIL still has all of his baby teeth.
She has the clippings from his haircuts. She has a tape of
him, at the age of about six, reciting the prayer for the lighting
of the Chanukah candles. Is she planning some kind of voodoo?
Signed - I'm Not Giving
Her Any of My Teeth
RESPONSE: I'm Not Giving Her Any of My Teeth
I don't see anything wrong with her wanting to keep all his baby
stuff. I'm sure there's more to this story. Good luck!!!
RESPONSE: I'm Not Giving Her Any of My Teeth
It's common for mothers to keep mementos like that from their children.
I don't see the big deal. If that's all she ever does, count yourself
lucky.
RESPONSE: I'm Not Giving Her Any of My Teeth
She's his mother. Why wouldn't she still have those things if they
have sentimental value for her? It doesn't sound strange to me.
RESPONSE: I'm Not Giving Her Any of My Teeth
Ha ha ha. Freaky MIL! Mine, too, still has a lock of my DH's baby
hair. She also has ALL of his school books and projects, all of
his baby clothes and shoes, baby blankets, moth-bitten old toys,
and who knows what else. It freaks me out!
RESPONSE: I'm Not Giving Her Any of My Teeth
That's pretty normal for a caring mother to save stuff from her
kids. I save all my kids' stuff. Someday they may be curious about
it, or their children may want to see it. I loved all of the things
my mother saved from my childhood. Lighten up!
RESPONSE: I'm Not Giving Her Any of My Teeth
My mother kept a lot of stuff like this, but I am an only child.
She is just a saver of stuff like that, but has proven to be a fabulous
MIL to my DH. Some people just keep everything and write everything
down what their kids do. I wish I was better about that, but I'm
not. I guess it skips a generation. Maybe she will prove to just
be a loving mother? Hopefully!
RESPONSE: I'm Not Giving Her Any of My Teeth
Get over it!!!! I will forever have clippings from my baby's first
few haircuts, and I will keep a baby tooth or two. My mother would
kill to have any videotape of her kids (of us playing our sports
in middle school and high school). A friend of mine still has a
braid of her daughter's hair - they had to cut it because the daughter
had cancer and was going through radiation. She later died. I
have an answering machine tape of my father singing happy birthday
to me. He was dead before my next birthday. Now, you tell me that
I'm some sort of sicko or that I'm going to whip up some type of
voodoo! Grow up!
RESPONSE: I'm Not Giving Her Any of My Teeth
I don't see what is so weird about the fact that she still has his
baby teeth, a lock of hair or a tape from when he was 6. He IS
her son. I probably have the most neurotic MIL when it comes to
not being able to let go of her precious son, so, trust me, I know
how creepy it can be when they do things like call in the middle
of the night just to "hear his voice". But, I really
don't think she's planning voodoo or anything weird like that.
I'm sure that when you have kids, you're going to keep a lock of
their baby hair, home videos, etc. Unless she has his teeth and
hair encased in glass for display in her home, I think you're overreacting.
RESPONSE: I'm Not Giving Her Any of My Teeth
What does MIL do with these items? Does she parade them out in
front of you and everyone else, saying that, since she was there
for DF from the beginning, she should always come first? Or, does
she simply have these things to quietly remind her of her son's
childhood and journey into adulthood? If it's the first option,
be afraid. Be very afraid. If it's the second option, don't worry
about it. All mothers keep things from their DS's or DD's childhood.
Nothing is wrong with that.
RESPONSE: I'm Not Giving Her Any of My Teeth
Why do you have a problem with your MIL keeping mementos of your
DH's childhood? Does this make you feel threatened? Maybe, when
you actually have a child of your own, you will understand. My
mother still has baby teeth from me and my sisters, as well as hair
clippings and videos. What is wrong with that? It looks like you
are just trying to create problems. I have a 10 year old son, and
I have tons of video, most of his baby teeth and hair clippings
from his first hair cut. What does that make me?
My MIL was very nice
when DH and I were dating and first married. She came to visit
one summer, and her personality had somehow changed. The change:
She seemed to just hate me. We hadn't seen each other in some
time, and nothing had happened since the last visit. I spent
many years trying to figure out what I had done, but the more I
tried to be nice, the worse she treated me (with rude comments and
sarcastic remarks). It's my guess that MIL blamed me for DH
and my moving further away to another state, even though this was
for DH's career, while I made the sacrifice to my career.
MIL and FIL have since moved to the same state, a few towns away.
It almost caused DH and me to break up. I try to limit visits
as much as possible. This woman hates me, but pretends to
like me in front of other people. My husband and I were getting
older and needed to make a decision on having children. I
have been very hurt by DH not seeing my point of view with MIL,
and him not believing me when I tell him the things she says to
me when no one is around. If MIL hates me now, I can't imagine
what would happen if I raised "her" grandchild.
Not to mention that there would be added visits because of the baby.
I felt that our marriage would be in danger as a result. I
love my DH very much and fear that if we had a child, this situation
would spin out of control, and we would end up divorced, with a
baby. Has anyone ever made such a life altering decision because
of a hateful MIL?
Signed - Opted out of
Motherhood Due To Toxic MIL
RESPONSE: Opted out of Motherhood Due To Toxic MIL
Don't let that witch cheat you out of life's greatest experience
- motherhood. You will regret it one day if you do.
RESPONSE: Opted out of Motherhood Due To Toxic MIL
Don't make such a decision based on MIL. But, if you and DH cannot
see eye-to-eye on how MIL should treat you, how will the two of
you agree on how to raise a child?
RESPONSE: Opted out of Motherhood Due To Toxic MIL
Why not get one of those tiny pocket tape recorders and show him
what she really says? My DH took a while, but he did finally realize
how bad his parents were, and we haven't spoken to them since.
There is hope.
RESPONSE: Opted out of Motherhood Due To Toxic MIL
If your DH doesn't believe what you say his mother does when he's
not around, then tape record it. Although I have to say that he
can't be too supportive of you if he's calling you a liar. Don't
let her get away with anything - stick up for yourself! And, let
DH know, in no uncertain terms, that if he can't be a good husband,
then he more than likely won't be a good father.
RESPONSE: Opted out of Motherhood Due To Toxic MIL
Your DH doesn't believe you about MIL? That is the biggest problem,
not MIL. Get DH to counseling, and get things straightened out
before you have a child. BTW, why spend any time at all with MIL
if she is so mean to you? Just because she is DH's mom, that does
NOT mean you have to subject yourself to her abuse.
RESPONSE: Opted out of Motherhood Due To Toxic MIL
You are letting your FEAR of MIL take control of your life. No
one should have that kind of power over your life, except you.
Be strong, you are not acting strong. Put an ultimatum with DH.
Either he sees things your way, and understands that you just do
not like the way MIL treats you, or you are gone. My bet is on
the fact that your DH will realize how important you are to him,
and he will buck up. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Opted out of Motherhood Due To Toxic MIL
I am sorry that your MIL is such an issue in your marriage. My
MIL liked me, too, until we moved out of state. DH and I had a
lot of problems about her. He made me feel like I was crazy. It
turns out that he just couldn't admit it. He knew what his mother
was like. It was just easier to "dismiss" it and not
deal with it. MY MIL pales in comparison to the stories that I
have read here, but the damage was still bad. Your MIL only has
the power that you give her. DH should stand by you. At the very
least, your MIL should respect you, and DH should insist on that.
To me, if you were to have a child and end up divorced, then your
marriage wasn't strong enough in the first place. You still may
end up divorced, even if you don't have a child. If you want a
child, don't let ANYONE get in your way. You might have to face
the thought that DH wasn't meant to be a father. If this is true,
then you need to decide if loving him is more important than your
having your own child. Hopefully, you will both be parents together.
Remember, you two set the rules for your child and MIL. Just make
sure that DH will back you up. She can only interfere where you
let her in. Best wishes to you.
RESPONSE: Opted out of Motherhood Due To Toxic MIL
I seriously thought about not having a child with DH because of
his mother. My DH was so enmeshed with his mother, and once I came
to accept the fact that MIL was not mentally healthy, I was concerned
that I'd be battling MIL and DH for the rest of my marriage. No
place for a baby to be. As it turned out, we waited four years
to have our child. This gave us time to sort out our relationship
with MIL. DH finally saw the light, and set up boundaries. Once
MIL realized that she couldn't manipulate DH, she really wanted
nothing to do with us. Other than the polite, "Call me if
you need anything," she is not a part of our lives, nor our
child's life. My only advice would be to make sure that you and
DH are on the same page when it comes to MIL. If he isn't on the
same page, then maybe not, only DON'T have a baby. But, think about
your future with him. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Opted out of Motherhood Due To Toxic MIL
My MIL is crazy and manipulative. She lives 45 minutes away, and
for the first year of my marriage it just consumed me. I didn't
want to have children, because I was afraid of what she might do
to them. And, I also didn't want to have to see her any more then
I had to. I almost left DH a few times over the fact that I couldn't
deal with his mother. I finally had a very long talk with DH about
how I felt about her and the way he handled her behavior. It was
rough, but we worked through it. We both had to develop a sense
of humor about her and the situation. It is easier to laugh than
to fight. I also made it clear to HER that I would not tolerate
her behavior. Four years later, I am six months pregnant and happy.
DH says, at times, that I come off as cold and harsh when I deal
with her, but he does understand how I feel, and backs me up when
she gets out of control, whether he is around for it or not.
RESPONSE: Opted out of Motherhood Due To Toxic MIL
Heartfelt sympathy. I feel very much the same way. If it's any
comfort to you, apparently "childfree" people don't end
up any lonelier or sadder at the end of their lives than parents
do. And, there are a lot of advantages to not having children,
despite the social pressure to do so. If you are ambivalent about
being a parent, this might be all right. If you deeply want to
have children, though, marriage counseling is definitely in order.
I feel very much the way you described, but I never deeply wanted
to have children. I was always ambivalent, and very much leaning
toward NOT having them. The horror of dealing with my MIL and FIL
and their aggressive (and passive-aggressive) smothering attitude
is just the ultimate deciding factor. I don't think that I'd ever
be happy again with them "coming down our chimney" if
we had a child. They are such @ssholes about our DOG, even. I
shudder to think of how smothering and hostile they'd be over a
child. I'm sure it would turn a semi-unpleasant, uncomfortable
relationship into outright animosity. Because my DH and I have
no children, I get to avoid them nearly all the time (he deals with
them), but I don't think I could manage that if there was a child
in the picture. They assert their "grandparents' rights"
over our DOG, which I'm really taken aback by. Having them as grandparents
to our child would be an utter nightmare. I wish you well, and
send solidarity and sympathy. Just avoid them as much as possible.
I wish you and DH could work out (in counseling?) this misunderstanding.
I think our in-laws instinctively know that if they talked rudely
about us to our DHs, they would be alienating them, and they don't
want to do that (just like, although I have a horror of my SIL,
I would never badmouth her to my brother). I wonder if it's pretty
common for in-laws to be really sweet about the DIL in front of
their son, but "let her have it" when he's not around.
They might not even realize that they're doing this. I know that
there are probably some lucky DILs reading this who don't have these
problems! Agh.
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