Wow, what a good site. I
could write thousands of stories here. I have been married
for seventeen years now to the same man. Unfortunately,
his mother is a pain. We have even had counseling with her
and it doesn't matter. She gets worse with age. Ha,
ha. Everyone says that if a woman has problems with her
husband's mother, it really is the husband's responsibility to
handle it. I agree. My hubby is wonderful, but not
very good with his mom. He does try to get her to change
or think things out differently, but she is very self centered
person. My husband is turning 40 in a few days. MIL
has taken it upon herself to arrange a party for him without my
knowledge!! I have suggested that everyone go out to eat
instead. I have three kids, and I just don't have the money
or time to have the party. Well, of course she has plenty
of time. I just don't feel that it is her place to have
the party, and I told hubby that I wasn't going if she doesn't
do things my way. Am I stooping to her level? I certainly
hope not. Maybe I would feel differently if MIL and I had
a good relationship. But, since we do not, I just don't
feel comfortable with her invasiveness. I turned 40 last
year, and guess what? I barely got a card. She was
mad at us last year, and neither one of us got a present.
We always try to get her something. Some things never change,
I guess.
Signed - Some Things
Never Change
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- foreigntemptress/Posted: 10-AUG-03
And, by the way, it's sort of a tradition in our
religion that both of your parents walk you down the aisle.
FMIL wants to walk with DF, but she doesn't want FFIL to walk with
her. She tries to guilt DF into doing this walking tradition.
She says that she has looked forward to it all her life, etc., but
she REFUSES to do it with FFIL. So, she's looked forward all
her life to the tradition where both parents walk down the aisle,
but in her imaginary version, she's doing it alone, or perhaps with
her obnoxious boyfriend. And, how would that make FFIL feel?
Signed - She's A Cow
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
Where do I begin?
It's not just that, of her two children, MIL has a favorite (and
it's NOT my DH). It's not just that she doesn't care a whit
about our two children, but knows every time that her other son's
children sneeze. It's not just about how, when she visits,
she reads our mail, rearranges the pantry, and constantly fiddles
with the blinds because they won't close tightly enough and she
thinks people will look in. I guess the absolute capper of
the many stories that I could tell occurred on the first Thanksgiving
gathering after we got married. This was 9 1/2 years ago.
We'd been married for two weeks, and had JUST learned that I had
gotten pregnant on our honeymoon. We were at the favorite
son's house, since MIL had decreed, "That's where Thanksgiving
will take place." I was chatting with my SIL, whom I
like, and she asked me if I'd found a doctor yet. I casually
mentioned that we were reading up on having a certified nurse-midwife
(they have a minimum of 10 years of specialized training, know when
to call in the doctor on call, and practice at birth centers close
to hospitals). From across the kitchen, MIL cried, in a voice
loud enough to be heard in the next county, "Why don't you
just squat over a hole in the backyard?!" As you can
tell, I've never quite gotten over it. Oh, and since she refuses
to make a decision about what to do, how to do it, and where to
gather at holidays until about two days before, I have to plan our
Thanksgivings and Christmases, having no idea whether we'll have
anyone at our house, when, or for how many meals. But that's
really beside the point.
Signed - Hole In The
Yard
RESPONSE: Hole In The Yard
Agh! Sympathy for you. I'm glad for you that you have a SIL who's
a positive "kindred spirit".
RESPONSE: Hole In The Yard
You should have told her that medicine has advanced remarkably from
when she had her children! Also, plan your holidays without waiting
for her input!
RESPONSE: Hole In The Yard
Why don't YOU just plan not to have anyone over at your house, as
they are rude enough not to plan better? Why don't YOU just decide
for your family to spend the holiday by yourselves, and not worry
about your ILs.
RESPONSE: Hole In The Yard
Just because your MIL doesn't plan her holidays ahead, that shouldn't
mean that you don't make advanced plans. I would make plans to
go to your family, and then when MIL calls you two days ahead of
time, decline by saying, "Oh I wish I had known, but we made
these plans a month ago and I hadn't yet received your invitation."
Refuse to change your plans that were made in advance. She will
probably get mad, but it should teach her to be more considerate
of your schedule.
RESPONSE: Hole In The Yard
Why do you have to cater to MIL's whims about the holidays? Start
your own traditions with DH and your child. They are your family
now. Screw MIL and her flying monkeys. The holidays are too special
to spend all your time with idiots who make you miserable. Do your
own thing for the holidays. Tell MIL that you can't come to her
faaaaaamily cr@ptacular because you'll be too busy squatting over
a hole.
RESPONSE: Hole In The Yard
If you know when MIL is coming over, hide your mail. If you don't
have advance notice, why not take any mail out of her hands and
say something like, "Thanks, I was looking for that."
If she starts on the pantry, let her know that you just did that,
and that you know where everything is. But tell her, "Thanks
anyway." Or, be rude, and just before she leaves, ask her
to put everything back the way it was. I know that's not very nice,
but it might get the point across. As for holidays, if no one lets
me know plans ahead of time, I let everyone know that dinner will
be at such and such time, and they are welcome to join us.
RESPONSE: Hole In The Yard
Why are you waiting for HER to decide on holidays? I have had this
battle over the years with my own mother. She feels that she has
to be the conduit to the rest of the family. I don't need her to
play post office. I can talk to my cousins myself. They all have
working telephones and "mommie" doesn't need to meddle.
Make your own plans. Contact the family members whom you want there,
and invite them yourself. And, if she objects, so what? She doesn't
like you anyway, so it's no different.
I am living with my significant
other, and I just get so frustrated sometimes! We have 3 kids,
two are mine and one is his from one of his previous marriages.
We have huge family differences. My family members have bachelors
or masters degrees, we are busy, and don't talk frequently.
My SO's family has no education. We live ON HIS DAD'S PROPERTY,
next door to his parents. They always have to know our business.
They have nothing better to do. His brother and family live
on the other side of the parents. I am the only working woman
here. No one can come up our driveway without them calling
immediately to ask who is here and what their business is.
They want to know what we got in the mail. They want to know
how much money we make and how we spend it. SO tells them.
I recently got a great administrative job. Right away, SO
called them and told them my pay rate, that I make my own hours,
etc. They told me when I would be working, to accommodate
the needs of taking care of SO's son. They will not watch
him since I've been around. They have had him to their house
about 4 times in the past 2 years, as if we are being penalized
because, "When you decide to be a real couple, you have no
social life, you just have responsibility." So, they
don't even let him visit much, because we might be using the visit
to take advantage of it as baby-sitting. But, for a while
they were resentful, as if I was stealing their favorite grandson
away, even though it's THEIR DECISION to not have him over!!!
We are trying to save up to build a house, and we are having trouble.
My SO has had a lot of financial trouble since his separation years
ago, and he makes very little money. He won't go to college
because he "doesn't like English class". And, he
doesn't think he can do it, I suspect. His family doesn't
promote education. They can always pick out what people are
doing wrong, and they know what's right and how things should be.
We should go to church, yet they don't attend because they just
"never get around to it". I have gotten upset with
SO for telling them my personal and professional business, and he
says it's rude to tell them that it's not their business.
However, I do get along with him, other than this big problematic
situation. They say that my kids and I are part of the family,
but they sure don't act like it. They told SO to set everything
up as if I'm just a tenant, although I'm the moneymaker here.
I resent this. Everything has to be set up to SO and his son's
advantage. Once, MIL was asking my kids about my habits and
how I take care of things here with the house and the kids.
They don't often come over, they just watch from their yard.
I called MIL and confronted her about it. She claimed that
my son was lying, and he's no longer welcome at their house.
Meanwhile, all 3 kids confirmed different instances of the same
questioning. My SO asked his mom about it, but didn't comment
one way or the other. FIL has never spoken much to me and
will not look me in the eye. The first year that I was involved
with this family, I was not allowed at their house for holidays
because I'm "not part of the family". This was FIL's
doing, MIL was ticked about it. My SO and I stayed home on
these occasions, and SO dropped in at their house for short periods
only. I am open-minded, and I don't like their attitudes that
different people are bad (any race but white, homosexuals, people
with tattoos or piercings, men with long hair, etc.). Also,
they are against their own family becoming educated. They
feel that you should all live on the same street and work at the
mill your whole life. I have changed jobs 3 times in the past
2 years, due to career advancement and opportunities. Each
time, they ask me if I think I'll be able to hold this job, as if
I'm just quitting for the heck of it or something. If I want
to do something for personal growth, they feel that it's stupid
unless it brings about increased financial gain. FIL occasionally
demands that we do things a certain way or we can "find another
place to live". The house is SO's, the property is FIL's.
SO's SIL is very two-faced and likes to make up stories to cause
trouble. The parents say that they are against it, but they
eat it right up. She is constantly at their house talking
about various family members. She especially dislikes me,
and has announced that she is going to nursing school this fall.
She is going to show everyone that she can do whatever I can, and
she's not going to be "just an RN," like me. She's
going to be a nurse practitioner, and she claims that she can do
it in 2 1/2 years. The school has her schedule set up already.
Plus, she has small children and has had only two jobs in her life.
Both were at fast food restaurants, and she got fired from both
after about a week, as she continuously told the managers that they
were running their businesses wrong and she was going to tell them
the right way to do things. This just burns me up, and I hate
wasting my thoughts on this situation and these people. I
feel stuck. I promised my kids that we will stay here in this
school district no matter what. They love it here, but there
are no rental properties (it's very country here, mostly farms)
and it seems that we can't get away until we get money to build
or buy a house. My credit situation is worse than it was when
I was a single parent, and it's gonna take me awhile to build it
back up. I'm trying to get stuff paid off and SO's family
asks why I'm not helping with the bills if I make so much money.
He told them that I AM helping, but then they seem even more irritated,
as if they WANT me to be in the wrong. Besides, why am I being
held more accountable for SO's accumulated bills than he is?
That's not right. MIL was trying to get info about her friend's
MIL, who was a patient where I last worked, because her friend wanted
to sue the company and they thought that I could get inside info
and help them. WHAT THE HECK IS THAT ABOUT? Then her
friend told her the names of people from around this area who she
saw in the facility while visiting, and they wanted me to tell them
the medical histories of these people and all their PRIVATE info.
I told them that the info is CONFIDENTIAL. MIL would giggle
and say, "Well, yeah, but you know we're not gonna say anything
to anyone." RIGHT! I think they want to have access
to things that they can gossip about with other people who have
NO LIFE OF THEIR OWN. This makes me sick. But, my only
issue with SO is that I wish he would be more willing to say "such
and such is our personal business". I have gotten so
fed up that I have wanted to move out, even though I'm not at odds
with SO. But, my kids get extremely upset. They like
him, they like it here, and they've never been so contented with
their lives. I am not coping well, and have developed anxiety
problems and a nervous tic. This is all petty stuff, but it
just eats at me sometimes. Maybe I just need to vent, I don't
know. But, I can't go on like this, and don't know if I can
make it for the year or two that it will take for us to save up
money to build a house in this school district. Any suggestions?
I thought that I could take occasional mini-vacations away from
SO and family, but that may create a problem because "couples
don't do things separately, unless one or both people are up to
no good". That is his parent's advice. SO says
that it would be okay if I did this. But, when it actually
comes up in the near future, it's always, "The car needs too
much work." Am I just nuts for not leaving, making the
kids switch schools, and making them have to accept not living with
SO, if that's what it takes? He's like their natural father,
and they get very upset about the idea of moving away from him.
His son gets upset that I might leave, since his mom is pretty much
out of the picture now. And, in spite of all this, he is a
good companion. We went to a counselor and she said that this
is all petty stuff, petty people, and it's not worth worrying over.
She says that I should just ignore it. Any advice or comments?
Signed - A Fish Out Of
Water
RESPONSE: A Fish Out Of Water
Run from that place and offer your SO the chance to go. But leave.
RESPONSE: A Fish Out Of Water
If you choose to stay with these awful people, then I can't feel
too bad for you. You have the option to leave.
RESPONSE: A Fish Out Of Water
Huh? And you say that you and your family are smart? Get out of
there!!
RESPONSE: A Fish Out Of Water
What the #$%@ are you doing there? GET OUT!!! It's a family of
psychos!
RESPONSE: A Fish Out Of Water
I stopped reading your post about 1/3 of the way through, as I can
only take so much before my head starts to hurt. From the part
I did read, I gathered that you financially support this family.
The ILs give you cr@p all the time, and SO does nothing to help
out because he is too busy blabbing your business to the ILs. Why
are you in this relationship? You'd be better off on your own.
RESPONSE: A Fish Out Of Water
For an "educated" person, you sure let the uneducated
ones run the show. The same situations will always (and it will
be always) occur unless the behaviors change. If your SO won't
modify his, and the FILs won't change theirs, then maybe it's up
to you to change yours. Use the same brains that got you the jobs
you have to plan out short and long term goals. If your SO won't
agree to them, it really makes no sense to continue being in that
relationship. Cut your losses and move on.
RESPONSE: A Fish Out Of Water
I didn't get through your whole story, but it sounds like you have
major problems with your SO. If you can't get him to move off his
parent's property, I would leave with your kids and get on with
life.
RESPONSE: A Fish Out Of Water
Move! Move now, before things even get more out of hand. There
is no reason for a grown man to live this way. Move without him
if you need to. You have the good job, not him. Get an apartment,
and get away. Also, get another counselor. Tough love is a good
thing, and DH needs some limits. Give him choices (get your act
together and move away) and consequences (i.e., I will be gone).
RESPONSE: A Fish Out Of Water
What the he!! are you, an educated, professional woman, doing with
this hayseed hick who doesn't like "English class" and
has no spine? And, his family, BTW, will do this for the rest of
your life if you stick around. Anxiety disorders are no small thing.
They are a sign that something is desperately wrong in your life.
My god! If you get out of there, I know that, within a couple of
months you'll be wondering how on earth you ever put up with this
BS. Man, are you selling yourself short!!!
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