My daughter refused to go with
her grandmother, Hagatha, this week. She had an extreme
meltdown, which included her trying to climb into my van window.
I ended up taking her home with me. This was supposed to
be her dad's part of the summer. Hagatha's response was
to tell me that my daughter is "too bonded" to me, and
that I need to distance myself. LET ME STATE FOR THE RECORD
THAT THERE HAS NEVER BEEN ANY TYPE OF EFFORT ON MY PART TO INTERFERE
WITH HER BOND WITH HER OTHER FAMILY. IT IS QUITE THE OPPOSITE
ON THEIR PART, AND IT HAS BACKFIRED!!!!! My older daughter
was raised the same way, has NEVER had a tantrum, and is a straight
A student. What is the difference? I realize that
each child is unique, but my older child was adopted by my husband
years ago, and has not had any contact with Hagatha's family since
the breakup. My girls have different fathers, obviously.
So, maybe Hagatha needs only to look in the nearest mirror to
see the source of my daughter's problems. I certainly don't
think that a parent can be "too bonded" with their child.
Also, I just wanted to respond to the responses to my stories.
First, thanks for all the advice, especially the supportive advice.
I would love to be able to prevent this woman from seeing my child,
but she is my EX MOTHER-IN-LAW. THIS MEANS THAT SHE IS WITH
MY CHILD ONLY DURING HER VISITATIONS WITH HER FATHER. I
HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO WAY OF PREVENTING IT, AS IT IS COURT ORDERED
AND THESE ARE THE TYPES OF PROBLEMS THAT THE COURT SYSTEM CANNOT
HELP WITH. BELIEVE ME, I HAVE TRIED. I used to frequently
tell the old witch off, but all the fighting was bad for my health
and sanity. My daughter knows how the witch is from her
own observations (very intelligent), and the best that I can do
is be a stable parent and not let the wicked witch get a rise
out of me, because that is why she does it. I TRULY THINK
THAT HAGATHA IS MENTALLY ILL, AS IT (MENTAL ILLNESS) DOES RUN
IN HER FAMILY. This Too Shall Pass.
Signed - THEY CAN'T
BREAK OUR BOND
0
5
Strongly Agree
Somewhat Agree
Somewhat Disagree
Strongly Disagree
Please Seek Counseling
Continue on Message
Board
Worst gift: The latest
gift from my MIL was for our 6th anniversary. She gave us
a mattress pad for our guest bed, saying that DH's aunt had said
that the bed wasn't comfortable and that this might help.
The aunt has never stayed at our house!
Signed - Bedbug
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
My FDH and I are very
private with our lives. Well, my FMIL needs to know everything
about it. My parents are hosting our engagement party soon.
We decided that everyone should bring an appetizer, and we will
provide BBQ and spirits. So FMIL mentioned to my mom that
she would be making a huge dish of chicken parmesan, because that's
what my man likes. My mom, being the laid back type, said
nothing. FMIL called about a week before the party to ask
what I was buying, what I was bringing, and who was coming.
Then, she wanted to know if she could invite so and so. She
told me that she didn't want me or her son to spend any money.
She, by the way, is in constant need for attention. I told
her not to worry about anything, and that my parents wanted to take
care of it. So, she said that she was going to call my mom.
I said, "Go ahead." Well, I was frustrated by her
pretty much telling me what I was and wasn't going to do.
I called my mom. My mother then told me about the chicken
parmesan thing. I told myself, "That's it. If she
brings anything other than what was requested to MY parent's party,
I will have to say something. I will tell her to sit down
and eat all the chicken parmesan herself." She acts as
if what my family does isn't good enough, and that insults me.
I'll let you know what the outcome is.
Signed - Make Her Miss
Piggy
RESPONSE: Make Her Miss Piggy
I'm not quite getting your point here.
RESPONSE: Make Her Miss Piggy
It sounds to me like she was just trying to be helpful. Her son
is also getting married!
RESPONSE: Make Her Miss Piggy
It sounds like you're making a big deal out of someone's generosity.
You can't blame her for wanting to be involved. Shame on you.
RESPONSE: Make Her Miss Piggy
Who cares what she brings. It really sounds as if she is trying
to help. Who invites people to a party, and then expects the guest
to bring the food to the house? That is not an engagement party,
but a pot luck picnic.
RESPONSE: Make Her Miss Piggy
I think that is a tad ungrateful. I always welcome whatever people
bring to a party. So what if you asked for appetizers and she brings
chicken? What's the big deal? I bet it all gets eaten! Are you
that insecure that this woman's chicken is what you are focusing
on?
RESPONSE: Make Her Miss Piggy
If you are going to ask people to bring food to a party, you can't
really complain about what they bring. The only way to control
what is on the menu is to make everything yourself or with your
mom, or to buy everything. I would rather order pizza and chicken
and have a casual, fun picnic than to ask people to bring food.
Potluck is OK for a regular party, but I don't think that it's appropriate
for an engagement party.
I am so happy to have
found this site! My MIL is a mean b!tch, and my spineless
DH is not only of no help to me, but he actually takes her side!
It is driving me insane. Now, where do I start? Some
background info: DH is from the UK, I am from the Far East.
We have been married for almost 5 years. In the summer of
2000, we got 6 weeks vacation, and planned to go on the honeymoon
that we never had (we could not afford it till then). We were
to visit the ILs first, and stay there for 1 week (DH agreed that
this was the longest we could stay with them, knowing how rotten
MIL treats me) so that they could have some time with our DD.
Without consulting me, it was rearranged between DH and MIL that
the UK stay would be extended to 2 weeks. I was furious.
We had a huge row about it, but even that didn't stop DH from being
talked into further extending the UK trip to 6 whole weeks!!
I tried my hardest to talk myself out of this in a nice manner like,
"Oh, X (MIL), I cannot possibly put you through all that trouble.
DD still doesn't sleep through the night, and having her stay will
wear you out, etc." I politely reminded her of her intolerance
towards other people. She insisted that she had the right
to be with DD for 6 weeks, since she only got to see her 1 or 2
times a year. And, that if it became too much for her to have
3 of us staying, DH and I could leave DD with her, and go for a
short trip so that we could all have a break. Long fight,
and I lost. At the same time, I was fighting with my DH, who
insisted that it was HIS money - HE earned it and he could plan
the vacation as he pleases). We got there, bought our own
food and water, and cooked our meals so that MIL had nothing to
worry about. On the 5th day, DH and I were having breakfast
at the table and chitchatting with FIL. MIL literally came
screaming in like mad. "Get out of my house!! This
is my house!! Pack your bags and leave now! I don't
care if you have nowhere to go! Just jump on the train and
book into a hotel!! And, don't dare think that I will be looking
after that girl (DD)! She goes with you too!!"
We were petrified. She continued, "And, I am going to
smoke in the house! This is my house, and I can smoke anywhere
I like!" And, she lit a cigarette, knowing that I quit
smoking for the sake of my DD's health, and that I do not allow
even my family to smoke when DD is around. Till that moment,
MIL's house was a no-smoking house, too, because she didn't want
her furniture to smell! DH, who repeatedly assured me that
he will see to it that nothing goes wrong during the stay, only
meekly said," Mom, you OK?" WTF?! She snapped
back that she doesn't need a reason to kick us out. I'd had
enough. We started packing our things. She was hovering
about, can you believe it, so that she could take what she liked
from us!! "I'll have that," and things got snatched
out of my hand! We took the earliest flight and left the country.
The winter holiday came, and DH and I again had a huge argument,
because he wanted to go stay at his mom's! She was sorry,
and she wanted to make up for it. We should be the big ones
and forgive her, and let's "start afresh." They
would pay for the flight, and hey, it's only for one week.
To make a long story short, I lost, we went, and oh yes, I was completely
ignored by MIL for the last 3 days. And, DH said that he didn't
notice anything happening. He promised me that the next holiday
would be spent with my family. The summer holiday came.
DH told me to cancel the trip to see my family, whom I hadn't seen
for over a year, because he had told his mom that we would be visiting
her so she can spend time with DD!!! I told him to keep his
promise, that I wasn't going to PIL's 3 holidays in a row, especially
after all that cr@p, and that I wasn't going to let my family down
when they were so looking forward to it. And, he shouted in
my face, "I'm not going to let MY mom down!!" If
anybody should be let down, it should be MIL!! How can he
be so unfair?!?! Oh, talk about being unfair!!! The
scary thing is that he just cannot see the logic at all, and he
believes in what he says. Things got worse, and I have finally
put my foot down. I haven't spoken to MIL for over 8 months
now. DH is not happy at all about that, and sooner or later
we should end up in a fight. Will DH ever change? Will
I just have to give up on him? I might write again.
There is a lot more to tell. Thanks for listening.
Signed - Drives Me Insaaane!!!
RESPONSE: Drives Me Insaaane!!!
You don't have a husband or a marriage. Get out NOW!
RESPONSE: Drives Me Insaaane!!!
Your DH is being a bully and a jerk. Don't let him get away with
it. Stop it now, or spend the rest of your life like this.
RESPONSE: Drives Me Insaaane!!!
It sounds like you'll let them do anything that they want to you
and DH doesn't treat you with any respect. If that's the way you
want to live, more power to you.
RESPONSE: Drives Me Insaaane!!!
The only way that things will change is if you take separate vacations.
Go to see your family. He goes to see his. Face it, you married
a "momma's boy".
RESPONSE: Drives Me Insaaane!!!
Your MIL is nuts and your DH obviously has some kind of warped relationship
with her. Please, please, please, go to counseling before this
tears your marriage apart.
RESPONSE: Drives Me Insaaane!!!
I don't think it's fair that your JH (jerk husband) keeps getting
his own way. Maybe he will go to counseling with you and have his
eyes opened to the fact that his mother is a whacko! Good luck.
RESPONSE: Drives Me Insaaane!!!
No, he will never change. Your DH is abusive. Simple as that.
Look up articles on behavior that constitutes emotional and mental
abuse, because this is what he is doing to you. Do not put up with
this for one moment longer!!!
RESPONSE: Drives Me Insaaane!!!
No, your DH is not going to change. I'm sorry to tell you that
this kind of problem does not magically heal with time. It involves
serious developmental work that your DH does not appear able to
do, at least not at this time. It comes down to this question:
Do you want to deal with this now? Or, thirty years from now?
Either way, you probably already know what the solution is. Is
it worth it to stick around and hope that things will change?
RESPONSE: Drives Me Insaaane!!!
Well, I thought that I had it bad until I read your story. My MIL
is crazy, like yours, and I think that the only reason she hasn't
gone over the edge (like your MIL) is that my DH stands up to her.
Mind you, he has a very short memory for her behavior. But, at
least he asserts himself at the time. I still can't stand her,
and he hates that, but she's responsible for her own behavior.
Hang in there. The best way that I have found to deal with a manipulative,
annoying, moody MIL is to just ignore her when she is around, and
to not think about her when she is absent. Make her think that
you are indifferent to her. Hopefully, your DH will grow a spine!
RESPONSE: Drives Me Insaaane!!!
I am so sorry that your MIL treats you like that. But, I'm more
sorry that your DH can't see logic, and, frankly, has no spine.
To me, when two people marry, that's their family, a new family.
Their immediate family, meaning parents, siblings, etc., become
extended family. Sadly, it doesn't appear that your DH has figured
that out, and I'm so sorry he's putting you through that! If I
were you, I'd work yourself into a better situation. Make sure
that you have a good job where you can support yourself and your
kids. Don't mention why you're doing it. Just do it. I'd open
a separate account and start putting money away. It stinks to have
to do that, but I honestly feel like your MIL is doing her darndest
to turn DH against you. He obviously doesn't see things your way.
Keep documentation. Start keeping a journal - include dates, times,
and list EVERYTHING! If she sends any nasty notes or emails, include
those. Include conversations with MIL and DH. Sadly, if your DH
isn't man enough to stand up to his own mom, he may someday walk
out, and you have to prove that you are the better parent and able
to support yourself and the kids. I wouldn't cancel your vacation
with your family. Do you have any money of your own? Can they
lend you some? And, take your DD!!! She's your daughter, and you
carried her for 9 months. Screw his mom. I know that he had a
part in that child, but no one will ever love their kids like their
mom, and you're her mom. It's your job to protect her from these
people. And, taking your stuff?! Arg. I just honestly don't have
enough words to say how crazy that is, and you already know. I
just hope that you find the strength to endure this. I know that
you'll come out on top. The question is, will your DH change, and
does he love you enough to support YOU!? Hugs.
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