My daughter's MIL, in my opinion,
must be a very strange person. I just don't get it.
My daughter and her husband had a traumatic start, as they got
pregnant in the last year of college. MIL did give her a
shower in another state, as I did here in mine. She helped
with a changing table and a few other small things. Of course,
my husband and I did a lot more. After the birth of their
son, they lived with us for about 5 or 6 months and then they
got their own apartment. All the time that they were here,
there was not one offer to help with anything. I am trying
to figure this out, but I feel that there might be some resentment
for their son not coming home after college to help his father
with the business. After my daughter and her husband moved
into their house, they invited MIL and FIL for Thanksgiving dinner.
The whole day was full of little "innocent" cutting
remarks towards my daughter. I know, as I was there for
a short time. To make a long story short, we gave them a
wedding party after they went on their honeymoon. It was
a very informal barbecue, as they wanted. MIL helped with
a check for $50 (not that I expected anything, as we were parents
of the bride). But, $50? What was that going to cover?
We spent about $1,000 on this party. When my 2 year old
grandson's birthday came in June, MIL was over a week late with
the CARD. There was nothing in it but the signature.
Our 2nd grandchild (a girl) was born last week, and guess what
she got? A card saying Happy Birthday! No gift, no
money, nothing!!!!!!!!! My daughter was so hurt; it brought
her to tears. Extended family members, whom she doesn't
even know that well, are sending her little outfits and cute little
girl things. My husband is her stepfather, and his WHOLE
family is going overboard. And, what did MIL send?
A CARD!!!!! Maybe they are in a financial straight, but
they could SEND SOMETHING OTHER THAN A CARD!!!!!!!! THIS
IS THEIR GRANDCHILD - EXCUSE ME!!
Signed - FRUSTRATED
GRANDMA
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Worst gift: My MIL forgets
my birthday EVERY year. My birthday is Christmas Eve, AND
my DH makes a point of saying (usually around December 10th), "DW
and I will spend the 24th celebrating her birthday."
I think that you have to work pretty hard to overlook my birthday
year after year. And, we've been together for over 10 years.
But, last year she forgot me for Xmas as well. The ILs are
quite wealthy, and MIL has a special chest where she keeps odds
and ends - her "miscellaneous present armoire", if you
will. She goes into it and pulls something out when she receives
an unexpected present or when she just needs a last minute gift
(dinner parties, maid's birthday, etc.). Nothing expensive,
you know, just something available. Last year, for Xmas, I
got a foil bag with holiday theme dishtowels and a pedicure kit.
I KNOW that they came out of the gift chest because they positively
REEKED of mothballs. Her precious daughter got a digital camera.
Hmmmmm.
Signed - The Mothball
Scent Ratted Her Out
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
I just don't get my DH
sometimes. He is there so often when my ILs, particularly
MIL, say these off the wall and sometimes even cruel things to me.
Yet, he never remembers them, or he says that I am too sensitive.
At times he and I have laughed over the behavior of my ILs because,
well, they are a bit strange. But, even then, when I try to
bring up the thought that even though it can be funny, it is still
serious, he waves it off. Does anyone else have these problems
with their DH??
Signed - Has He Got Blinders
On?
RESPONSE: Has He Got Blinders On?
Same problem. My MIL calls me a "witch" (literally),
my mother a "witch", my father a "bloody lawyer",
and so much more. But, DH says that I am just too sensitive, and
says that though he knows his parents act strange, he cannot listen
to anything against them.
RESPONSE: Has He Got Blinders On?
If your MIL insults you, remember it and mention it to DH. Then,
a week later say those words to him. When he gets irritated, tell
him that it was OK for his mom to say to you. Then, watch him come
to his senses.
RESPONSE: Has He Got Blinders On?
No, I do not have these problems with my DH, because I would never
stand for it. Your DH hears the comments very well, but chooses
to let you be hurt instead of angering his parents. Get marriage
counseling if you care to try to make your relationship a happy
and long lived one.
RESPONSE: Has He Got Blinders On?
My in-laws are the same. They also act as if they don't see me
there with DH. My DH is just starting to pick up my MIL's comments.
Hang in there.
RESPONSE: Has He Got Blinders On?
Sure, you married a mouse who is too afraid to call his mother on
these things. Or, perhaps he has blinders on to whatever she does.
Until this is rectified, this will continue and even get worse.
Counseling might help. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Has He Got Blinders On?
Yes, he does have blinders on. My DH figured that if he didn't
acknowledge it, it didn't happen. And, therefore nothing was wrong,
except in MY mind. I don't know if yours can change on his own.
Mine never did. It got to the point where he would verbally abuse
me if I didn't drop a subject that he didn't wish to discuss. It
killed the feelings that I had for him. The last time it happened,
those feelings didn't return. There are others here whose DHs have
seen the light. Maybe they have advice for improving the situation?
Good luck to you.
RESPONSE: Has He Got Blinders On?
Most DHs are the same as yours. My DH can never remember the slights
or nasty comments his mother has made in front of me. And, God
forbid I complain about her, he just doesn't want to hear it. I
think that it's called DENIAL. Ha, ha. We have to take care of
them (in-laws) ourselves if our DHs won't speak up for us. Good
luck.
RESPONSE: Has He Got Blinders On?
Absolutely. But, don't worry, I'm sure his loyalties are with you.
It's just that he is the "meat in the sandwich", and is
trying to please them, too. I have similar frustrations, as my
DH sometimes seems to have blinkers on when my ILs are so obviously
being awful to me. Don't let it cause friction between you and
your DH, as that is probably what they would like. I have found
that although my DH sometimes appears not to notice their bad behavior,
he actually does realize how draining they are on me. But, it is
painful to confront the idea that his family would be so awful to
the wife he loves. Just remember, their nastiness is a reflection
of their insecurity - you are the one in the position of power here.
Good luck.
RESPONSE: Has He Got Blinders On?
Well, all I can say (just as I tell my own DH) is that DH needs
to stand up, be a man, and fulfill his obligations as a DH. He
should tell his mother each and every time that she has said something
inappropriate. Also, when he does let her know that she has said
something inappropriate, he needs to stand his ground. Every MIL,
of course, will respond with, "I don't feel that it was inappropriate
(if they are intelligent enough to speak so clearly)." In
response to this, your DH should say, "Well, it really doesn't
matter, because my wife and I feel that it is. And if you cannot
respect that, then we will be unable to spend time with you."
Plus, if your DH actually recognizes that his parents are strange,
then you already have it better than half of us who are in the same
boat.
Right now I am living
in the calm before the storm. DH is one of 4 brothers.
The oldest brother is a criminal - not a past, reformed criminal,
but a current criminal. He is getting remarried in a few weeks.
My DH is the reluctant best man. I was not invited, and I
barely have a relationship with his family. It was not from
a lack of trying on my part, but from an abrasive response on their
part. I have even sat through MIL explaining their entire
genealogy - she has several 3 ring binders. DH confessed to
me, once, that he intentionally kept me away from his family before
we were married, because he knew that I would not marry him if I
knew what they were like. He is correct, but I'm glad that
he did not tell me, because I live in marital bliss every day with
him. The oldest brother and MIL have made so many obscene
phone calls to me that we have gotten phone blocker on them.
I had a dream last night that the oldest brother called and left
rude message again. I know that he did not actually do it,
but I think it's my mind preparing me for some disaster about to
occur. Their wedding is a hoax. Oldest brother took
MIL in to write her will after she had a serious fall. She
already is on her 3rd bout with cancer, she is diabetic, and mentally
not aware all the time. He has lived with his DF for 12 years
while he was married to another woman. He quit his job to
escape having wages garnished to pay child support. He had
no intentions of marrying, except to impress MIL. He wants
her money, and even refers to her home and car as "his".
PSYCHO. The most horrible part of this is that she is not
at all wealthy. My DH and his 2nd youngest brother have cared
for her and the farm. We don't broadcast it, but it costs
us about $10,000/year to take care of the farm and MIL. Every
day DH comes home and tells me horrible stories about how they are
taking advantage of MIL. MIL is not a nice woman, so it shouldn't
bother me. Anyhow, I'm not dealing well with his family, and
especially not with this wedding. Any advice would be appreciated.
And, does anyone have a gift idea? They paid $50 for the location,
and a fast food chain is catering, so it's not like they would appreciate
designer monogrammed sheets. They will start trying to weasel
money out of us next, I'm sure. We already pay oldest brother
to do odd jobs.
Signed - Newlywed in
the Deliverance Family
RESPONSE: Newlywed in the Deliverance Family
ICK--MOVE!!!!
RESPONSE: Newlywed in the Deliverance Family
How about a donation to a charity in their name - a charity that
they'd hate (evil smirk)?
RESPONSE: Newlywed in the Deliverance Family
Why buy a gift for a wedding that you aren't invited to?
RESPONSE: Newlywed in the Deliverance Family
Get DH to cut those people out of his life. They sound totally
useless and possibly even harmful to you. There's no way that I
would let my DH financially support his mother.
RESPONSE: Newlywed in the Deliverance Family
You are not even INVITED to this wedding, and that's okay with your
DH? You had to block the ILs number because of obscene phone calls,
and yet your DH is going to be the best man? And you are worried
about gift ideas? Hmmmm, I was going to suggest that you get your
BIL a doormat, but it seems he already has a couple.
RESPONSE: Newlywed in the Deliverance Family
If DH's family is such scum, why are you helping them out? Don't
go to the wedding, don't send a gift, don't hire BIL to do odd jobs
around your home. And, most importantly, DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO
DO WITH THEM! You and DH are enabling their behavior. You are
making a bad situation much worse by contributing money and support.
RESPONSE: Newlywed in the Deliverance Family
Since you are not invited to the wedding, you shouldn't worry about
a gift. Let your DH worry about it. I would cut all ties with
these people.
RESPONSE: Newlywed in the Deliverance Family
Your DH needs to contact an attorney to put a stop to his brother's
abuse of his mother and her estate (if anything remains of it).
F%&k the problem of the wedding gift! That is the last thing
you should be worried about. Your DH is about to be screwed out
of whatever his mother might to leave him.
RESPONSE: Newlywed in the Deliverance Family
"DH confessed to me, once, that he intentionally kept me away
from his family before we were married, because he knew that I would
not marry him if I knew what they were like." And, now that
you DO know, how do you feel about it? I'd run and move entirely
across the country to start anew. As far as a gift, I'd suggest
a nice, inexpensive set of silverware. But, do they know how to
eat with knives and forks?
RESPONSE: Newlywed in the Deliverance Family
First of all, I think that you should stop taking care of MIL.
If she can't take care of herself/farm. Your BIL should be doing
it, or she should be put in a home. If BIL can't take care of her,
you need to call elder services and have them evaluate the situation.
Second of all, a wedding present?! You must be joking. These people
left you out intentionally. Your DH is doing them a favor by being
the best man. I wouldn't give them anything. Good luck dealing
with these people for the rest of your life. I would have cut them
out a long time ago.
RESPONSE: Newlywed in the Deliverance Family
OMG!! When I first read your post, I thought that you were my BIL's
wife because of the similarities to my DH's family. But, my MIL
and her chiseling son don't live on a farm. The wedding is a sham,
and it seems weird to me that the best man's wife (a family member,
yet) is not invited. Your instincts sound like they are right on
target - someone in his family is up to no good. Why in the world
did your DH agree to be the best man, especially since his brother
used to make obscene phone calls to HIS house, albeit to you, his
wife. There are 2 other brothers. Are BIL and MIL this disrespectful
to them and their families? Couldn't one of them serve in the wedding,
instead? My advice is to keep your eyes and ears open, because
you are in for something. Apparently, he's already weaseled your
DH out of any inheritance that he may have been entitiled to. As
far as buying a gift for these lowlifes, go to the dollar store
and get them something nice. It is waaaay more than they deserve.
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