My husband and I have been together
for 11 years, and married five years. His mother is a total
nightmare. She is forever butting into our affairs, favoring
two of our four children. Some days she is nice, but other
days she is a total nut case. One day, she had the children
while we were out and about. When we came home, they were
in the house. We asked how they got in. One of the
children knew where the hidden key was. So, we told that
child to make sure that they close the garage door to make sure
that no one sees them when they got the key. So, all of
a sudden she jumped out of her chair and started yelling about
how we have a problem with her being in the house. I, personally,
think that she needs to be on medication! There are so many
stories, I don't know which one to tell! She gets mad whenever
any of my family members attend the children's functions.
She gets mad when the children go to my family gatherings.
She tells the children that they can come over, then she won't
answer the phone or door! She only attends the functions
of our oldest and youngest children, and she will not attend those
of the two middle children. She lies to people at her job
about us all taking family trips together, when the truth is that
her own and only son would never take her anywhere. Our
oldest child wrecked her car, and she was more worried about what
the punishment would be for the child than about her car.
Mind you, the child is only 15. He stole the keys and went
for a ride while the MIL was in the mall! Nothing is ever
easy with this woman. We tell her not to buy the children
things, and she does anyway. Then she gets mad when she
has to take them back!
Signed - What Can I
Do With This Woman?
0
5
Strongly Agree
Somewhat Agree
Somewhat Disagree
Strongly Disagree
Please Seek Counseling
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Frequent
Fry Her TM
- squidofthefuture/Posted: 13-AUG-03
My husband recently asked his parents for help getting
a loan. We just bought a house a year ago, so we have a large
amount of debt. We didn't have the greatest credit, even before
that, due to several hundred thousands of dollars of medical bills
that my husband is still disputing with the insurance company.
Well, the in-laws said that they would help, and my husband was
very happy. Knowing these people from an outsider's point
of view, I warned my husband not to get his hopes up until the papers
were actually signed. They kept stalling about it. And,
then, they finally told hubby that they could not help him, because
his sister might find out and be upset that they helped him after
they would not help her with buying a vehicle. His sister
sits at home and does nothing but complain about how she has no
money. She is so far behind on trailer and land payments that
she is about to lose everything. It is funny that she and
her husband are so poor, but they can still manage to have a new
computer, a game system with at least $300 worth of games, a new
DVD player, etc., etc. I can understand them not wanting to
take a chance with her. My husband is the hardest working
man that I know. He has completely turned his life around
in the 5 years since I met him. The only time he has ever
missed work is when he was so sick that the boss sent him back home
when he showed up, and one other time this winter when we had a
blizzard that dumped 4 ft of snow and it was impossible to get out.
He has always helped his parents out, even buying his mother a car
before he was 21. There is practically zero risk for them.
I am positive that MIL is behind the sudden change. FIL said
yes immediately, but then, as soon as MIL found out, the stalling
began. She has always favored SIL anyway, and I am sure that
she is upset that FIL would dare to make the decision to help my
husband after they didn't help SIL. They are going to buy
property for SIL if she gets thrown out of her place for not paying
land/trailer rent. So much for the excuse of not helping hubby
because they won't help his sister.
Frequent
Fry Her TM
- mom2kmdnfry, 1 of 4 needed/Posted: 13-AUG-03
I need some help. How can I make my MIL let
me be the mom? She tries to play mom whenever she is around
my kids. She will take the children as soon as she sees them.
She goes into another room and shuts the door, or she takes them
out of my site. It drives me crazy to have them where I can't
see them. My MIL has a history of mild mental illness, and
is not on any meds. This freaks me out, because I have seen
her throw a pizza at BIL's head. She throws a tizzy at the
drop of a hat, and loses control very easily. MIL used to
hit, and she broke a wooden spoon on DH as a child. I don't
think that she would hit my kids, but I would never put it past
her. As a child, DH would have to pay for 1/2 of all his Xmas
or birthday gifts over $30-$50, depending on her mood. Even
while in middle school and high school, DH had to buy his own boxers
and socks with his own money. DH was only allowed to listen
to religious music. If DH did anything wrong as a teenager,
MIL would take away and unplug anything electric in DH's room.
How's that for strange? These are just some of the reasons
that I'm scared to let MIL alone with my kids. My MIL feels
that I should not discipline my children. If I put them in
time-out, MIL will go over to them and start tickling them.
She talks to them, saying things that make DH and I look like the
bad guys. I HATE this, and was so happy when we moved across
the country from them. It has not stopped. She talks
to them on the phone, and tries to get them to believe religious
stuff that we do not want our kids to be forced to learn.
If, when they are older, they want to choose a certain religion,
that's ok. But, I'm not going to force it on them. How
should I handle MIL and make her realize that these are my kids,
not hers? She has raised DH and BIL, and they hate her.
I'm sure as heck not going to raise my kids like she did.
RESPONSE: MIL Wants To Be MOM
Why do you let this psycho have any contact with your children?
RESPONSE: MIL Wants To Be MOM
Your DH is a mouse? Doesn't HE have a voice? Or is he okay with
this strange arrangement? It's his mother; he should be man enough
to say something to her. You guys need counseling, especially since
she can be dangerous. Good luck!
RESPONSE: MIL Wants To Be MOM
My first thought: What are you doing letting this woman have any
contact with the children at all?? I'll always love my parents,
but they were physically and emotionally abusive. That being said,
I don't believe they'd ever hit their grandchildren. But, they
are manipulative and do not respect boundaries. Therefore, as hard
as it would be for me, I know that I would have to sever ties with
them if I had children. The alternative would be letting my children
know that I put their physical and emotional safety ahead of my
own comfort zone. I'd advise you to think about how to answer your
kids 10 - 15 years down the line when they ask you, "How could
you let someone that you knew was hurtful near us? Why was it okay
that someone who PROBABLY wouldn't physically hurt us be around,
just because it'd be harder for you to say no to her than to protect
us?" Trust me, you need to think about those kind of questions
coming back to haunt you before you talk to MIL again. You wouldn't
think it was okay if your kids had just a LITTLE cyanide, so why
is it OK to have dosages of toxic relatives?
RESPONSE: MIL Wants To Be MOM
YOU are the mother. If she has mental problems and you're not comfortable
with her filling your children's heads with her ideas, DO NOT leave
her alone with them. Don't let her take them. In fact, I'd only
let her see them if you AND DH are there - so someone is always
there with the children. You're not obligated to her for anything.
These are your children, you're responsible to protect them.
RESPONSE: MIL Wants To Be MOM
It's good that you live so far away from her now, but you still
need to put your foot down. If the kids HAVE to talk to her on
the phone, I would put her on speakerphone. When she says something
that you don't agree with, tell her "MIL, we don't agree with
that. Please don't bring it up again." If she brings it up
again, tell her that you asked her nicely not to do that and that
the kids have to go now. And, hang up on her! Do this every time.
She needs to learn that you are the parent, and that what you say
goes.
RESPONSE: MIL Wants To Be MOM
If you want to be the mom, take charge! You said that you've moved
clear across the country and the woman is still causing trouble?
DON'T LET HER TALK TO YOUR KIDS ON THE PHONE. If she visits or
you visit her, do not allow her to take your kids into another room
and shut the door. Walk right in behind them and ask her just what
the heck she's doing. She can only take over your kids if you let
her. I'm not really understanding why this is still even a problem,
unless DH is in her corner instead of yours. In which case, you
have worse problems than you thought.
RESPONSE: MIL Wants To Be MOM
You have to first sit down and have a heart to heart with DH. You
don't mention how he reacts to his mother's interference, but I'd
let him know, wherever he stands, that YOU are not putting up with
it anymore. Then what do you do? You get right up in her face.
Yes, you. If she tries to take your children into another room,
you physically take them away from her and say firmly, "I don't
THINK so." If she persists, you throw her out. You let her
know that if she persists, she will not see her grandchildren.
In short, you don't "get her to let you" be their mother.
You call on the mother tiger within, and BE THEIR MOTHER, even if
it means calling the police to take her out of your house.
RESPONSE: MIL Wants To Be MOM
A response from a male perspective: You are the mother. She is
not. What you say goes. If she cannot abide by your rules, then
she is out of your life. Your values, and not hers will be the
ones taught to the children. Do not give this woman any more power
or chances to corrupt your kids. She plays it your way, or is gone!!!
I would not be worried about offending this woman. Always talk
straight with her. When she tries to undermine your authority,
tell her that is enough, disengage her from your kids, and explain
to your kids that GM is clearly wrong and missing half her brain.
Well, put it nicer than that. Tact is not my strong suit. If she
never wants to talk to you again, consider it a gift. DH must support
you 100% in this. Not only that, he must be the one to tell his
mother and set down the law. A man's first loyalty is to his wife.
If not, then he is not a man, but a little boy clinging to mommy's
skirts. DH is no longer a boy, but now his own man. Time to be
one. He should have put her in her place long ago.
RESPONSE: MIL Wants To Be MOM
You have to tell her that enough is enough. I have some of the
same problems with my own mother, but not to the extent that you
have. When I try to discipline my DD, my mother will interfere.
You have to start acting like a mother, and put your foot down.
If need be, restrict the time that your children spend with her
until she gets the message. Or perhaps write her a letter or talk
to her on the phone and tell her what you are having problems with
her. If you didn't let her do it, she wouldn't get away with it.
RESPONSE: MIL Wants To Be MOM
First you need to tell YOURSELF that they're your kids, not hers!
Take charge of your own children, and just say no to MIL. I would
never leave my precious children in the care of someone whom I didn't
trust, MIL or no MIL.
Frequent
Fry Her TM
- mom2kmdnfry, 2 of 4 needed/Posted: 13-AUG-03
More on my MIL from he!!. I just had to vent
about something that my MIL said to DH. It really got me mad
and worried. A little background: DH is in the military,
and we are stationed across the US from her. My MIL only calls
us on holidays and when she wants something. But, she expect
us to call her at least once a week, which we don't. So, of
course, I'm the bad one who will not let DH have contact with his
family. DH hates his mom, and has little respect for FIL because
he still lives with the MIL. MIL told DH that she thought
of killing FIL (she did tell him that she decided not to go through
with it) and a lot of other personal stuff that a son does not want
to know about his parent's personal life (like how FIL and MIL have
not been sexually together in over 4 years and how she does not
respect him). MIL has not worked a day since DH was born,
over 26 years ago. FIL supports her, and does most of the
cooking and cleaning. MIL told this to DH right after DH came
out of Marine BOOT CAMP. He was going to be stationed 2000
miles away. This made DH worry, and I think it was a ploy
to make DH call more often and check on FIL. She has not acted
on her threat. But DH, to this day, is worried that she will
do something one day. DH loves his dad. He has little
respect for him, but he feels sorry for him, too. I feel that
it is his own fault for staying with MIL. If he wanted to,
he could leave. I'm not sure what to do about this.
It was over 3 years ago, but it still haunts DH. Any suggestions?
RESPONSE: MIL IS NUTS
He should have told FIL what MIL said, and then let him make his
own decisions. He's a big boy.
RESPONSE: MIL IS NUTS
Your DH should tell his father about it, and then leave it up to
him.
RESPONSE: MIL IS NUTS
Seek counseling. DH needs to be a man, not a mouse.
RESPONSE: MIL IS NUTS
Oh, my my. My DH is in the Navy going on 12 years, and we've been
married for 10. Do you know that I am the one who called the shots
to have his carrier sent to the gulf? Now, that's power! I was
accused of keeping him from calling her when he was on the boat.
I guess that straightjacket I fitted him with before we left really
worked. Meet me on the message boards if you want to vent or share
stories, as not a lot of people are the same as us (military wives
who have supreme power to keep our enlisted away from their darling,
caring, perfect mothers). P.S. My MIL threatened to call my DH's
command to tell them that he wasn't contacting her. At his age
of 28 (at the time), the Commander would not have cared. But, my
DH would have been branded "mommy's boy" for the rest
of his naval career. However, she thought that he would get into
trouble for not contacting her. All he would have gotten was razzed
on a daily basis. This is simple, really. Tell FIL what MIL said.
He can decide for himself what he wants to do about this.
RESPONSE: MIL IS NUTS
I'm the same person who responded by asking if a little cyanide
is bad, how can "dosages" of MIL be any less hurtful.
I actually had/have a problem like this with my family. My father
keeps guns, and has said and done over-the-line things with them.
Although he swears it's all in jest. Things like offhand remarks
about who he'd kill, or pointing loaded guns at friends when their
backs are turned (all the while hamming it up like it's a big joke).
I was torn for so long, because I don't want to lose my father or
make a mountain out of a molehill. Then, I started thinking about
what I would say if someone really did get hurt, and I did nothing
about it when I had the chance. I don't know about you, but guilt
is a big motivator for me. So, that did it. I filed an anonymous
complaint with the NRA. They then were required to bring it to
his attention. He figured it out, and the whole family has left
me for ruining his reputation. It's hard, but I know that I did
the right thing. The fact that I could take it seriously enough
to worry about it means that it was serious enough. I hope that
helps.
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