I have never heard of a MIL that
is worse than mine. She is truly evil and mean. She
was 16 and unmarried when she had my husband. Five years
later, she married another man who adopted my husband. They
had one daughter, and divorced 17 years later. My husband
went into the Marine Corps at 18 to get out of the abusive household,
came home at 21 and got married soon thereafter. His marriage
produced one daughter. The marriage dissolved before the
daughter was a year old. I was married at 22, had one son,
and was divorced at 25. I did not go back to my parent's
home, even though they had a big house, because I was independent,
working, and did not want to burden them. One year after
my divorce, I met my husband. We fell madly in love, and
moved in together six months later. We have been together
for 18 years; and married for 15. The first time that I
met my monster-in-law, she cornered me when we were alone and
told me as much as she could about the former wife, whom she did
not like or get along with. According to her, the ex-wife
was a b!tch. I knew that I was in trouble when I met the
ex-wife and she was not a b!tch. The next indication that
something could be very wrong was several months later when my
parents sold us a very nice car for $1,000. My husband showed
her the car, but refused to tell her who sold it to us.
My then three-year-son blurted out, "It was my grandpa's."
She stepped back, and I could see her face go sour. The
following day, MIL called my parent's house, spoke with my mother,
and said some horrible things about my husband. She said
that he was a loser, a drug user, a womanizer, etc., none of which
is true. My mother said that she liked my husband even more
because he turned out OK, even though he had the mother from he!!.
A few months later, MIL called me to her apartment to pick up
something that we had left there. Oh no, we were alone!
She proceeded to tell me how wonderful the ex-wife was for my
husband, that he liked to date prostitutes when he was single,
and more horror stories about him. I cut her off, went home
and told him about it. We did not talk to her for about
one year. She called a year later to talk, and they acted
like nothing had happened. I was nice to her and let it
go. She created a fight scene when we announced our wedding
plans. She eventually got over it, for a while. MIL
asked if I was marrying her son, because I needed a father for
my son. I informed her that my son has a father who loves
him, is part of his life, and pays child support. I also
made the same amount of money as her son, who was paying child
support. She convinced my husband that he should not take
care of my son because he already has a child. My husband
could have been a better stepfather, but he always held back,
because he never wanted his daughter to think that he loved my
son more than her. He sometimes would try the abusive tactics
on my son that his parents did to him. However, I immediately
stepped in and always made him back down. It was always
my son and me against the evil forces. I had to protect
my son. On the day of my wedding shower, the MIL called
to pick a fight. I hung up on her without saying a word,
and went to my wedding shower. She told my husband that
she just called to talk to me, and that I yelled at her and then
hung up. Of course, she did not attend the wedding the following
month. She did not allow my 24 year-old SIL and my husband's
grandmother (who came from another country) to attend the wedding,
either. My husband had no family members at the wedding.
We did not talk to her for about two years. She called,
talked to my husband as if nothing happened, and we had to act
like family again. Finally, the MIL, SIL, and the SIL's
three kids moved out of the country. I did not talk to them
very often, but I was cordial when I did. We went to visit
them a couple of years later and stayed in a hotel. She
had been to the USA a few months earlier, and had convinced the
now remarried and well-off ex-wife that her son just received
a big promotion, and that the ex could get a lot more money for
child support if she took him back to court. The ex took
him back to court, and we had to file bankruptcy because of it.
That was 10 years ago, and I have not spoken to the monster-in-law
since then. My husband did talk to her by phone and e-mail
when she was letting him talk to her. A few years ago, she
left a voicemail on our phone. She called me a b!tch because
she was mad at something that he had said to his sister, which
had absolutely nothing to do with me. She never acknowledged
my son, who was adopted by my husband 10 years ago. She
never, ever accepted him or was nice to him. She ruined
her relationship with my husband's daughter several years ago
by being herself. The problem is that my husband has been
getting too close to them again. They talk on the phone
a lot, and e-mail each other often. In 18 years, my husband
never had the spine to say to her that it is not OK to call me
names or be the horror of a person that she is. He never
defended me. I resent him having a relationship with such
a nightmare of a person, even if the monster is his mother.
It's his family and I'm left out (I don't want in). I don't
know how to let him know that I resent him and his family.
We fight every time that I bring it up to him. I will never
have anything to do with them. There were so many other
incidents through the years that I don't have time and space to
tell all.
Signed - Out of the
Madness
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Frequent
Fry Her TM
- tcc, 1 of 4 needed/Posted: 14-AUG-03
Reading the stories on this site makes me feel so
much better about how terrible my relationship with my MIL is.
There have been so many incidents over the years that I can't tell
them all. But, the most recent is fairly typical. I
came home from the hospital the day after having our third child
a few weeks ago. My MIL came over that evening. My husband
made some comment about how I had fallen asleep on the sofa a couple
of times during the day. My MIL said, "That's what happens
when you sit around doing nothing all day." Needless
to say, all of those old hostilities, that I keep trying to banish
for a peaceful life, came flooding back. Since this sort of
thing keeps happening, my husband and I decided that we should say
something when it does. Guess what? I tried it on Sunday.
She was losing her temper with my 8 year old because he hit a cricket
ball over the fence twice. So, I suggested that they play
something different, or go to the park. She started shouting
at me and stormed off, saying that she had to "get out of this
place". Good riddance!!!!!!!!
Signed - TCC
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
I've learned that the
one thing you can take from the MIL that hurts her the most is control.
My MIL is a control freak! She likes to tell us when to be
at her house for holidays, when we've seen my family too much, etc.
I put up with it for 2 ½ years, and finally put my foot down.
DH and I went to counseling because I felt as though his mother
was dragging me into her insane world. The counselor helped
DH to see that I couldn't live like this anymore. My DH is
AWESOME when it comes to dealing with his mom. He has no problem
speaking his mind to her. Many a time he got in arguments
with her while defending me. We decided, in counseling, that
we would sit his parents down and talk with them about the current
situation that we were in. Depending on how the conversation
went, I was going to cut ties. I know it sounds harsh - but
enough is enough! They were at our house for 4 hours.
It took 3 1/2 hours to convince MIL that she has been acting irrationally.
I told her, in plain English, that I was not going to continue to
put up with her behavior. She would be out of my life before
I continued down this road. Her mouth just fell open.
She thought that I would continue to put up with her because she
was my husband's mom. Wrong!! That day, I gained control,
and have kept it ever since. She now knows that she can't
dictate to me. If she's acting crazy, we won't go down.
They NEVER call our house (unless they need a favor), but they complain
that we never talk to them. They don't seem to grasp the concept
that the phone works both ways. I couldn't have asked for
a better person in DH. He stands by me 100% with his parents
and their odd behavior. I'm not sure that this is really a
success story, because we still have issues with them, and at times
we get very frustrated. Just keep the control!!!
Signed - Finally Able
To Deal with MIL
RESPONSE: Finally Able To Deal with MIL
Way To Go! Keep dear sweet MIL in her place ~ she may not be thrilled
about it, but at least she isn't ruining your life!
RESPONSE: Finally Able To Deal with MIL
I think that this is indeed a success story! I'm so glad that you
and DH have found a system that works for you! It is almost always
about control, and once you take it away from MIL, you are homefree.
Thanks for the inspirational story!
RESPONSE: Finally Able To Deal with MIL
Your story sound EXACTLY like mine. We did the counseling, and
we also had a 5 hour conversation with our ILs to work out the problem.
My MIL thought that I would put up with her behavior forever, because
she was DH's mother. Wrong!! It was 2 years since our talk, and
things have definitely gotten better. She knows that I won't put
up with her nonsense. The same thing with the phone - they don't
call our house, but yet they'll comment that we never call them.
I totally agree with you - get control and keep it! Good for you!!
I just came across this
site, and I just have to share ONE of my MANY MIL/FIL/SIL stories.
After learning that I was pregnant right around the Christmas holidays,
my SIL suddenly began acting more civil towards me. She has
never liked me. She doesn't have a reason; it is just that
nobody will ever be good enough for her brother (with whom she isn't
even close). I had my first OB/GYN appointment, and that night,
around 10:30 or 11:00, SIL called. We were already asleep,
so when I answered the phone I was still a little groggy.
The first words I heard were, "Well, I can see that I'm never
going to be a part of this baby's life." I just said,
"Excuse me." She went on to rant about me not calling
her to tell her how my appointment had been. I was not aware
of the rule that I must call her each time I went to the Dr.
In fact, she has a little boy, and I don't remember her ever calling
us to tell us how her appointments went. Well, I sat there
for about 20 minutes, politely listening to how I should live during
my pregnancy (what to eat, drink, etc.), and then we said good-bye.
The next morning, I told DH what had happened (he slept through
it all) and that I would like him to talk to his sister about her
lack of manners on the phone. The following Sunday we were
to eat lunch with his family. So, on our way into the house,
he pulled his sister aside and confronted her about the conversation.
She proceeded to come into the house and back me up against the
kitchen counters, yelling at me to the top of her lungs. All
of this happened with DH's mother and father also in the kitchen.
Well, as you can imagine, we went most of my pregnancy without speaking.
And, of course, all of that was MY fault. My FIL actually
had the nerve to ask me why SIL and I couldn't get along, and what
was I going to do to fix the situation. They totally denied
everything that happened in their own kitchen that day. SIL
called one night to tell me and DH that I was tearing their family
apart. Well, the birth of my daughter helped things a bit,
but I slowly realized that it was probably just because my SIL wanted
to "mother" my daughter. She and my MIL took my
little girl to have her pictures taken, and they actually dressed
her up in my SIL's old clothes, even though I had sent the outfits,
that I wanted her to wear, with them. They both try to be
my daughter's mother, which really irks me. I have also found
out, in the last couple of weeks, that the whole time SIL and I
weren't talking to each other, she was bashing me to my friends
at church. If she needs to vent about me, fine, because I
need to vent about her. But, do it to someone who is an outsider
in the situation; not my friends. Needless to say, we aren't
speaking again, and I've told DH that I really couldn't care less
about ever being around her again and that I DO NOT APPRECIATE her
trying to mother our daughter so much. Anyone have any advice
about the mothering issue?
Signed - Fed Up With
ALL the ILs
RESPONSE: Fed Up With ALL the ILs
Don't let them spend time alone with your daughter. There's no
way that you can control how they "mother" without supervision.
RESPONSE: Fed Up With ALL the ILs
Why did you send them to have your kid's picture taken? That was
just asking for trouble.
RESPONSE: Fed Up With ALL the ILs
If you don't want them to play mommy with your daughter, then why
are you sending her off with them to do things that you should be
doing (like getting her pictures taken)?
RESPONSE: Fed Up With ALL the ILs
Your SIL is a whacko! My advice to you is to parent your own DD.
Do not let anyone else do it. If that means that the MIL and SIL
will be ticked off, then so be it. But, she is your DD, and you
owe it to her to be her mother!!
RESPONSE: Fed Up With ALL the ILs
Limit the time that DD spends with SIL and MIL. Do not let them
have her alone. And, when they are around, do not let them do things
like feed, dress, or bathe her, as those are things that the parents
do. Make it very clear that you are the mother and you will take
care of your daughter's needs.
RESPONSE: Fed Up With ALL the ILs
I can totally understand your frustration. But, remember that your
child will not develop a rapport with anyone who is negative toward
you - that's a fact of life. A child's mother is the center of
their world, and children are very perceptive about people who are
undermining toward their mum.
RESPONSE: Fed Up With ALL the ILs
If any family member called me up late at night, or any time, yelling
at me for not treating them as if they helped me get pregnant, they
wouldn't have had to wait for DH to say something. I would have
broken my foot off in their @ss. Any IL who decided that I needed
to accommodate them during my pregnancy would wise up really quickly.
She's your SIL, not your mother or GM. Tell her to get a life.
And, you need to say this in front of her and all the others who
can hear. It will probably shut her up. Personally, I think she's
sick in the head, and I wouldn't have much contact with her.
RESPONSE: Fed Up With ALL the ILs
I have a lot of "mothering" problems with my MIL and SIL,
too. I have to limit the amount of time that they spend together,
and can never trust them alone with my kids. I really do feel bad
about my children not having a relationship with my in-laws, but
I can't trust them. They pull that "change of clothes"
thing, too (I just DO NOT get that). Plus, they tell my kids how
horrible I am, and tell them to lie about it.
RESPONSE: Fed Up With ALL the ILs
Stop letting SIL and MIL spend unsupervised time with DD! That
is the only way to get this to stop. SIL/MIL want to be the mother
because that would cut you out of their lives altogether. This
is what they want, and you give it to them every time something
like this happens. Where is DH in all of this? SIL/MIL are disrespectful
to you, and he does nothing? Take a stand, and take your DD back.
SIL and MIL should not see DD, ever, without you. Be a mother already!
RESPONSE: Fed Up With ALL the ILs
You only asked for comments on the mothering issue (SIL and MIL
trying to mother your DD), so I will respond to only that. If MIL
and SIL were paying for the pictures and they were not meant as
a gift to you/DH, then I can see why they felt that they could choose
what outfit your DD would wear for the pictures. It is a little
presumptuous of them, but basically harmless. If you don't want
them to reel you in, don't accept the bait. I'm sure that they
must be pushy with DD in other ways. Just keep asserting yourself
with a smile. And, any time they try to step in with a mothering
decision, just say, "No, I'd rather do it this way."
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