Worst gift: For Christmas
one year, my MIL gave me the "free gift" that she got
when she spent X number of dollars at a cosmetic counter.
Of course, it was all wrapped up in an upscale department store
box. But, to anyone with half a brain, there was no disguising
it.
Signed - Give Me A
Gun
0
5
Strongly Agree
Somewhat Agree
Somewhat Disagree
Strongly Disagree
Please Seek Counseling
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Frequent
Fry Her TM
- tcc, 2 of 4 needed/Posted: 15-AUG-03
SETTING THE TONE. A year after I started seeing
my DH, we found out that I was expecting our first child.
We were both 22, university graduates and very happy. Because
we weren't married, my DH DREADED telling MIL. He put it off
until I was 6 months pregnant. When he did tell her, she reduced
him to tears. She refused to see me to discuss things.
And, when he did go to see her, she advised him to have an HIV test,
as he didn't know for sure where I "had been".
Signed - Not A Whore
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
This isn't a MIL or even
a SIL story. It is a sister story instead. It just came
to my mind. It is about the wedding speech from the FIL -
it didn't even mention the bride. At my wedding, my sister
insisted on giving a toast. Mind you, she said that she wasn't
even going to come to the reception because I refused to exclude
my step father and his family. In her toast, she said that
she "hoped this relationship would work out better than my
last engagement, and better than her last marriage".
She was divorced at the time. My new DH's friends did not
know that I had been engaged previously. Every time I saw
anyone from the reception, I was asked what she was talking about,
and I had to explain about a relationship that was really ancient
history, and no one's business. Later, she told all of the
family that she "was put on the spot to give a toast, and got
nervous". What a bunch of * &%$ ##@!
Signed - Enjoying a Happier
Marriage Than Sis
RESPONSE: Enjoying a Happier Marriage Than Sis
Seeing as she's divorced, maybe you can respond in kind at her next
wedding?
Please help and give
me advice soon!! I have critical situation right now.
My problems are my in-laws and a husband who blindly loves and obeys
his parents. I have no other issues with my husband, other
than his parents, who create disturbances in our lives. I
am trying to write briefly, but still, it will be long. Sorry,
but please read it. I got married 4 1/2 years ago back in
my country. My husband stayed for only 12 days after our marriage,
and then he went back home (so we did not get enough time to develop
close intimacy). I had to wait for my immigration for 7 months
and I had to stay with my in-laws for most of that time. My
in-laws pretended to be good to me before marriage, but they treated
me horribly after that. They hurt me emotionally. My
MIL used to feed false things to my husband on the phone.
And because of this, my husband and I always had fights over the
phone. My MIL created a lot of misunderstandings in our relationship.
Those 7 months were the worst nightmare of my lifetime. My
MIL hates everyone, especially my parents and relatives. My
parents had to take all the responsibilities and expenses related
to my immigration - filling the forms, getting a passport, taking
me to another city for a medical examination, getting tickets to
the country where my DH was, finally getting me to the airport.
My in-laws did not even come to the airport. My parents and
I were very upset, but I could not do anything because my mom and
I were scared that my life would be destroyed, and we thought that
once I joined my husband, everything would be fine. I received
a warm welcome from my husband, and have been living with him for
close to 4 years now. I know that my DH loves me, but he loves
his parents more. His parents, especially his mother, are
very possessive and they control him like a puppet. Obviously,
he is a very ideal, dedicated, obedient son. His parents want
to settle with us permanently in the country where we live now.
My DH says that he actually wanted to sponsor his parents soon after
our marriage, but hasn't been able to do so because of me.
Two years back, when we went to visit family back home, he helped
his parents to complete all of the formalities related to immigration
forms. The only thing left is the signing of papers from our
end. He wants me to cosign the application, but I was able
to avoid/postpone it somehow. I think that he wants me to
sign because I'm working. Last year, his parents visited us
for few months. A few weeks later, my DH lost his job and
was staying all day at home with them. I tried to do all my
duties as a DIL, but I did not have very personal talks/closeness
with my PILs in order to avoid any arguments. My DH and his
parents got upset about it. Behind my back (when I was at
work), they complained about me to DH. I had a big fight over
this issue with my husband. He said that his parents warned
him that they would never step into our house again if I did not
show any emotional closeness to them. Finally, I had to apologize
to DH and his parents to calm everyone down. Soon after,
his parents left for home, and our relationship was back on track.
But, just a month later, we got a very dramatic and aggressive letter
from my MIL about her final decision about their immigration.
My FIL is retired, but MIL is still working. She wrote that
if we were to say no to their immigration, we should sign an attached
letter (which she wrote herself on our behalf) and send it to them
immediately. My DH looked very upset for a few weeks, but
we didn't discuss it. I overheard him talking to his parents
over the phone, "Mom, I'm sorry. I cannot sign the immigration
forms until I find a job." Fortunately my husband found
a job 3 1/2 months later, but unfortunately we received a similar
letter, with even more harsh words from my MIL. My DH and
I fight too much and we almost killed each other over this issue.
His elder brother, who also lives in a different city in our new
country, did not take initiative regarding this issue. It
is very unreasonable for DH to push me to take his parent's responsibility.
I'm scared and feel very insecure about my future relationship with
him when his parents come to live with us permanently. I already
had a lot of discussions/arguments/fights regarding this issue for
the last few months with DH. But, all were in vain.
On the contrary, he blames my family or me for whatever had happened
in the past. He tells me to forget everything that had happened,
but it is easier said than done. He says that his parents
are innocent, and that they are very nice people, and so I should
give them respect and embrace them as my own parents. When
I asked him as to why he did not take any responsibility related
to my immigration/tickets, instead of understanding my emotions,
he said that he is ready to send money to my parents. I love
him, but I have developed a hatred in my heart for his parents.
I've been very stressed for past 3 months. I'm very hurt because
my hubby does not understand my feelings at all. I also feel
that all my friends are lucky to have very understanding husbands
and I'm the unlucky one. None of my friends have their in-laws
staying with them permanently. Also, my in-laws have very
orthodox/traditional views and my husband wants me to adjust and
change according to his parents. Just to give an example:
We cannot sit close to each other or hold hands in front of the
ILs, and there are restrictions on my clothes. My DH is looking
for an ideal situation where his parents and I both can be happy
at the cost of my sacrifice only. I'm 29 years old, and not
able to think about having kids because of this issue. Please
advise me. What should I do in such a situation? Also,
if anyone has experience with a similar situation, please let me
know.
Signed - DH Is Looking
For An Ideal Situation
RESPONSE: DH Is Looking For An Ideal Situation
Oh god, get a life. What are you, something to walk on or what??
It's your life, your responsibility. Get a grip on yourself!!
RESPONSE: DH Is Looking For An Ideal Situation
Call your DH's family with him on the line so he can listen and
talk to them. When he hears them being mean and controlling, he
will understand your side. Then, have him call them and ask what
happened on the phone. And when they lie, he will know that you
are not being unreasonable.
RESPONSE: DH Is Looking For An Ideal Situation
It is your life - figure what you want and will be flexible about.
For anything else, just say no, and mean it. You did not marry
your ILs, you married your DH. And, remind him that you are a wife,
and have rights about what you will accept. If he can't respect
your wishes, it's time to find a DH who will. It is not going to
change if some behavior doesn't change. And, unfortunately, it
is his behavior towards his parents that needs to change. Good
luck. It sounds like if you do not initiate some change, you will
be miserable for years.
RESPONSE: DH Is Looking For An Ideal Situation
Grow a backbone, and tell your DH that no, his parents are not coming
to live with you. If they do come, then you may as well kiss your
marriage good-bye. The first thing that they are going to do is
break you up, and they will succeed. PILs stay in their country,
period. End of discussion. If DH divorces you over it, fine.
He was never ready to get married and be an adult. Get your DH
some counseling, and don't have kids until DH starts acting like
a man, even if that means waiting until 40.
RESPONSE: DH Is Looking For An Ideal Situation
You poor thing! I'm sorry, but I've never heard of people as crazy
as your in-laws! I hate to say this, but the main issue here is
how DH does not stand up for you! That's his job. I think that
you both need to go to counseling. DO NOT LET THE IN-LAWS MOVE
IN. And, if he doesn't change, he needs to go. You're too good
for him! Hang in there.
RESPONSE: DH Is Looking For An Ideal Situation
You guys have no kids, RUN!!! If he has never defended you in 4
1/2 years of marriage, he will never do it!!! Just imagine when
they come live with you? I don't understand these MILS. How they
could be sooo rude to their DILS? If you don't plan on leaving
your husband, GOOD LUCK!!!
RESPONSE: DH Is Looking For An Ideal Situation
I'm sorry, but DH is not being reasonable when he wants his parents
to come live with you. If they move in with you, your life will
be he!!. Try to get DH into counseling. If he won't go, I'm afraid
that he's not worth the effort, he's too involved with his parents
to be a loving DH. Good luck.
RESPONSE: DH Is Looking For An Ideal Situation
First, let me just tell you how very sorry I am about your situation.
My heart goes out to you. The only thing that I can say is to not
to let those people move into your house if you can help it. If
that is not possible, then perhaps you should move out and refuse
to come home until they leave permanently. That may seem like a
harsh thing, but it may be the only thing. Give whatever you do
much thought, as you will have to live with anything you do.
RESPONSE: DH Is Looking For An Ideal Situation
It is unfair for DH to have his parents live with you permanently,
when there are obviously problems. I feel so sorry for you, as
I am sure you must love your DH very much to deal with all of this
horrible stress. If your DH will not acknowledge your feelings,
wants and needs, what kind of marriage do you really have? I would
suggest counseling. His parents are obviously very manipulative,
and only care about themselves. You definitely do not want to bring
children into such a volatile situation. Your ILs and DH will just
use them against you to keep you in a painful situation. I hope
that you find peace and happiness!
RESPONSE: DH Is Looking For An Ideal Situation
Your relationship sounds like it is in trouble without the added
burden of your DH's parents. Your DH and his parents are making
unreasonable demands on you. Please stand your ground and do not
get pregnant until ALL of the issues are resolved in a manner that
YOU can live with. If you immigrated to the US, keep stalling about
his parents' immigration until after you qualify and have earned
citizenship. I think that if your DH and his parents don't get
their way, you will be booted back to your native country. Do you
want to return there? If not, since you are the one with the job,
you need to find out what you must do to remain when your DH might
try to divorce you prior to qualifying for naturalization. It is
a possibility that you must consider. I see a sense of urgency
from his mother, that they are running out of time, and that they
will not have means to control you soon. Your DH and his parents
do not seem to care much about you, and are concerned with their
own needs (at your expense). You must find a way to protect yourself.
A private consultation with an attorney who specializes in immigration
is your best bet. Best of luck to you!
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