I always wanted a good solid relationship
with my MIL, but it's turned into a disaster. You see, my
husband is British and I am American, and where we live has become
an issue with his mother. We met while he lived and worked
in America. We fell in love. And when he asked me
to marry him, we discussed where we would live, as his job in
America was only temporary (about 2 years). We felt that
it would be best for us to settle and make our lives in America.
We both want to be in America. Before settling in America,
we decided to go to the UK for a couple of years to close out
some things and to get my husband's green card (it's much faster
and easier to do from outside the US). He told his parents
that we would be making our permanent lives in the US. We
did exactly what we said; got the green card, finished off some
stuff in the UK, and now we are starting our lives in the US.
Now that we are back in America, his mother has become a childish
brat. She has insulted the US and Americans, she has said
that it isn't fair that her grandchildren (we don't have kids
yet) will be in America, and she has used manipulation and mind
games to try and make my husband and me feel bad. She has
told me that she doesn't like to fly. She has told me that
she expects to see us every sixth months because my parents did.
My parents saw us every 6 months because they came over to see
us!!!! I'm not going into debt to buy $800 plane tickets
every six months!!!! We lived 2 hours away from them when
we were in the UK. They only came to see us once during
the 2 years. We always had to go to them. When my
husband and I were engaged, the first thing she asked me is if
I was going to ask her daughter (my hubby's sister) to be in our
wedding as a bridesmaid. I thought that was tacky.
And, when I said yes, she piped in and said, "Well, DD likes
the color lilac," and, "I don't want her in anything
that makes her look too skinny." She has hung up the
phone on my husband when he doesn't say what she wants to hear.
These are just a few small samplings of her disgusting games.
We can't figure the woman out. He told me, before I even
met her, that she was a difficult woman, and he was right!!!!!!!
With us moving back to America, I finally had to be blunt with
her, and I said, "It's our life, and we have to do what is
right for us." I've tried so hard to let her comments
and dirty looks roll off my shoulder because I know that this
is what I am supposed to do. My husband knows that I am
upset, and he says to let him handle it. But it hasn't improved,
and I don't think it ever will. My husband is a great man,
and he loves us both dearly. I don't want him to be put
in the middle, and I'm trying not to do that, but she is making
life he!!. I don't expect her to like the distance, but
she is making it very hard on me and my husband. It's as
if she expects us to live our lives around her. She is guilty
of the worst thing a parent can do in my opinion - putting her
own needs before that of her child. We have told his family
that they will be more than welcome to come and stay with us in
America, even if it is for a month. And, we will make trips
to them when we can, but that it has to be within reason.
This doesn't make her feel better. She just usually chimes
in with, "I don't like to fly." I'm tired of this
woman. My husband and I are remaining strong, and our marriage
is too, but sometimes I get very, very upset and vent to him,
and it does bother him to hear me get irritated, even though he
knows that I am well entitled. Does this woman realize that
she is making a mess and that the uglier and more manipulative
she is towards me, the more she pushes us away????? Thanks
for letting me vent. AGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Signed - Trying Hard
But Tired of It
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When I was pregnant with
my first child, my nasty SIL told me that it was not a baby, but
a "fetus". And, she would refer it as a fetus and
nothing but a fetus. As far as a new mother is concerned,
her baby is a baby - in the womb or not. Nasty SIL is married
now and can't get pregnant. No fetus for her, I guess!
Signed - No Fetus!
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
Please give me some advice!
My FMIL is insisting on inviting 67 people to our wedding (FFIL
a further 20). I have never met any of them. DF and
I are inviting 40 between us, and my family cannot come at all.
So MY WEDDING is going to be full of people whom I've never met.
She doesn't even like me, and I expect that all of her friends are
pumped full of her anti-me poison. How can I stop her from
bringing all these guests? I'm prepared to employ a "heavy"
on the door if I have to. But, how can I tell her how rude
she's being? She's already said that she won't come unless
she can invite them all. She's behaving like a five-year-old.
What can I do???? Please help me!
Signed - I Don't Want
To Have A Bouncer On My Wedding Door
RESPONSE: I Don't Want To Have A Bouncer On My Wedding
Door
Where is DF in all this? If he's oblivious to this by choice, don't
marry him. He's not mature enough. If he's attempting to advocate
your side, elope.
RESPONSE: I Don't Want To Have A Bouncer On My Wedding
Door
Tell her that you will miss her on YOUR special day. That should
say it all. And don't back down.
RESPONSE: I Don't Want To Have A Bouncer On My Wedding
Door
If she won't come unless all of her friends are invited, so be it.
This is your day, not FMIL's. Tell her that you're so sorry that
she can't attend, but you will be thinking of her anyway. Either
that, or let the so-called friends attend the reception. If your
family can't attend, can you change the date or location to accommodate
them?
RESPONSE: I Don't Want To Have A Bouncer On My Wedding
Door
It's YOUR and DH's wedding. Invite who YOU want to invite, and
if she doesn't come, tough sh!t!
RESPONSE: I Don't Want To Have A Bouncer On My Wedding
Door
I guess that she won't be coming to YOUR wedding then. No 67 unknown
guests, no MIL. It sounds like a good choice. After all, she gave
you the choice.
RESPONSE: I Don't Want To Have A Bouncer On My Wedding
Door
Remind her that it is YOUR wedding, and that you will have the guests
there that YOU want - maybe the "heavy" at the door would
be a good thing!
RESPONSE: I Don't Want To Have A Bouncer On My Wedding
Door
So she doesn't come. Big deal, let her suffer.
RESPONSE: I Don't Want To Have A Bouncer On My Wedding
Door
Are the ILs hosting/paying for the wedding? If not, then they have
NO SAY in the invitation list. Period. Put your collective (you
and FH) foot down and tell her NO. As for her emotional blackmail
(the threat of her not coming if she doesn't get her way), that's
HER CHOICE. Tell her that you'll be sad that she's not there, but
you will not cave in to BLACKMAIL.
RESPONSE: I Don't Want To Have A Bouncer On My Wedding
Door
This might sound like a joke, but it's something you could really
consider. Could you "think outside the box" and consider
eloping? My brother and SIL were planning a big wedding, but there
were some bad vibes with her family. So, they decided to just fly
to a tropical island - just the two of them - and get married.
They have been married maybe 15 years now, and they have never regretted
avoiding the hassle of a big wedding. They have very joyful memories
of their wedding. Even my small wedding is a bad memory for me
because of a pushy relative. I think that we would have been much
happier if we had eloped. Would it possibly feel good to you to
just scrap the wedding plans and either go to the JP or elope?
I don't like that word, "elope", but if the wedding is
shaping up to be a huge headache, it might be a much happier option.
Best wishes to you.
RESPONSE: I Don't Want To Have A Bouncer On My Wedding
Door
Simple - remember, first, that the wedding reception is simply just
another party that someone is hosting. In most cases, the hosts
are the bride's mother and father. Whoever pays for the reception
is the host, and they get to call all the shots - it's their party.
They decide whom to invite, what food to serve, where people will
sit (if they decide to assign seats), etc. Now, in most cases the
parents are technically the hosts, but they defer to the wishes
of the bride and groom on things like food and entertainment. But,
really, they don't have to. Now, on to your problem. If your ILs
are not paying for the reception, then they are NOT the hosts.
Simply inform them of this fact, and tell them what LIMITED number
of invitations they are allowed. However, if they are paying for
it, then they are the hosts, and you are the one who will have to
deal with the situation.
Frequent
Fry Her TM
- noruby4me /Posted: 20-AUG-03
Something I read here just made me think of something
that my MIL did to me many years ago. My SIL, her daughter,
was scheduled to have outpatient surgery to remove a small mass
inside her mouth. MIL flew in to stay with SIL. I happened
to develop "walking pneumonia" only days before SIL had
the surgery. For anyone who doesn't know, "walking pneumonia"
doesn't mean that you can get up and walk around - it just means
you don't have to be hospitalized. I was, by far, the sickest
I have ever been, and I rarely get sick. For about a week,
the pressure of the water in my lungs made it impossible to get
out of bed, except when DH had to help me get to the bathroom.
This was the only time in my life that I was so sick that it scared
me. Anyway, after SIL had the lump removed and came home,
I literally couldn't get out of my own sickbed to go see her.
Of course, DH went and sent my love and best wishes for her speedy
recovery. MIL has thrown up to me, at least three or four
times over the years, that I didn't go to see my SIL after her surgery.
Each time that DH or I reminded her that I was very ill myself,
she gave us looks or said things to indicate that she has NEVER
bought THAT story! The thing is, I have ALWAYS been a "dutiful"
family person - this was the one time I "missed!"
Signed - Not Allowed
To Be Sick If An IL Is Sick At The Same Time
RESPONSE: Not Allowed To Be Sick If An IL Is Sick At
The Same Time
Tell your MIL to get over it and get a life!!!!
RESPONSE: Not Allowed To Be Sick If An IL Is Sick At
The Same Time
Your MIL is a nasty cow. Tell her to kiss your @#$ and get over
herself!
RESPONSE: Not Allowed To Be Sick If An IL Is Sick At
The Same Time
Tell your MIL to shove it up her @ss. She tells you that you're
a liar to your face. Why should you be nice to her?
RESPONSE: Not Allowed To Be Sick If An IL Is Sick At
The Same Time
I would tell her, "Who gives a SH!T what she thinks or has
'never bought'."
RESPONSE: Not Allowed To Be Sick If An IL Is Sick At
The Same Time
Next time, ask her why she is still reliving ancient history. Although
every surgery is serious, your SIL apparently wasn't at death's
door. MIL just sounds clueless.
RESPONSE: Not Allowed To Be Sick If An IL Is Sick At
The Same Time
Next time she says anything, you should tell her that, since you
were feeling "under the weather", you thought it would
be best to keep a distance, since SIL was recovering from surgery
and may be more likely to come down with what you had. This way,
you are making it all about SIL, which seems to be what MIL wants!
RESPONSE: Not Allowed To Be Sick If An IL Is Sick At
The Same Time
That reminds me of when my DS, who was 3 at the time, came down
with a 104 fever on, of all days, Thanksgiving Day. A day when
my MIL feels that the faaaaamily should all be together (although
she never calls between holidays). We called to say that we couldn't
make it because Ds was sick, and MIL never even called to see how
he was. It was obvious that she didn't believe us. She thinks
that we didn't go because we didn't want to go to SIL's house, but
I didn't think that I needed to bring a sick 3 year old to a house
with 4 other kids and a pregnant woman. Some people can only think
of themselves.
RESPONSE: Not Allowed To Be Sick If An IL Is Sick At
The Same Time
The next time MIL says that she's sick, throw it back on her. Invite
her over for something that you know she will turn down because
she's sick, and then use it against her. I know that it's lowering
yourself to her level, but sometimes you just have to beat them
at their own game.
RESPONSE: Not Allowed To Be Sick If An IL Is Sick At
The Same Time
That's ridiculous. I'm so sorry that you were that sick, and I'm
definitely sorry that you have your sickness "thrown back at
you". My thought for the next time this happens is "if
you don't even believe that I was sick, then we have a bigger problem
than my not visiting SIL!" Also, if MIL doesn't believe that
you're "family" enough, then it's not worth trying to
prove it to her. Say that you're comfortable with your actions,
and know how much you love family, and if she can't see that now,
then she never will. Lament that it's too bad, but don't fall into
her "prove it to me" games. Best of luck!
RESPONSE: Not Allowed To Be Sick If An IL Is Sick At
The Same Time
Your story reminds me of a story that my mom told me. It happened
to her not long ago, but I had just moved out of the house before
it happened. It involves my grandfather. One day my mother and
father were shopping in a city that is a state away from the one
where they live when my GF's car broke down on the side of the road
in the state that they are all from. Well, he claimed that my mother
went past him in her car, waved, and didn't stop to pick him up
after he was obviously broken down and waving frantically at her.
Now, like I said, my parents were together this day - they were
shopping in another state in the same car and it wasn't my mom's
car, either. He proceeded to bash her at a family gathering, telling
the story over and over again about how my mother, the idiot, just
passed him in his time of need while he was broken down on the road.
Needless to say, this was his illusion and it didn't happen. But
he continues to tell this story to whoever will listen. My father
finally went up to him and told him to knock his cr@p off because
it was not true. He said that GF's version didn't happen, and he
had proof, as he was present the entire time with his wife (a state
away the time of the incident). Your story reminded me about what
some people's ILs are willing to believe and not believe in their
own eyes.
RESPONSE: Not Allowed To Be Sick If An IL Is Sick At
The Same Time
That is truly unfair of your MIL. At least you have your integrity.
You know that you did the right thing. You know that you would
have been doing your SIL a wrong by visiting her in that condition,
even if you could. I wonder if your MIL has some other agenda -
if she's jealous or resentful of you, and she's "acting out"
by unfairly accusing you of something unfair. You mentioned being
a dutiful family person, and I admire you. A question for you,
though: Do you feel right about this, or do you feel pressured
into being a "dutiful family person" against your will?
I want to encourage you to follow your heart and your gut feelings
about things, and to act from a place of sincerity (I don't mean
the rude kind, I mean the kind kind!) as much as you can. You really
sound like a good person, a person of integrity, and people are
lucky to have you in their lives (I wish you were my SIL - I'd never
complain that you didn't come to visit me if you were sick!). I've
found that trying to please some people and always "jumping
through their hoops" is like beating your head against the
wall. Either they essentially don't like anyone, except themselves,
or you just aren't "kindred spirits". But knocking yourself
out to please them will never please them. They will only take
advantage of you, take you for granted, and try to get what they
want out of you. The more I tried to be a "dutiful family
person" for my MIL, the more obnoxious she became. Now I avoid
her at every chance I get, and I don't see her more than a few times
a year. It's not ideal, but I'm happier than I was seeing her more
often. And, I don't think that our relationship is worse because
of it. For me, staying away from non-kindred-spirits is the most
honest thing that I can do. Your situation might be completely
different. You might be a lot warmer a person than I am, and you
might have genuine good feelings about your ILs. I just think that
your MIL was being unreasonable and unfair, and at least, deep down,
you know that you were in the right and were doing the best that
you knew how (the best anyone could have done). That counts for
a lot.
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