Worst gift: We just
moved to be closer to my MIL around the holidays. The family
was discussing what each wanted for Christmas. I said that
I would like stuff for the house (because we had just moved in),
or anything that could be used to decorate it. I gave them
complete descriptions and where to get the stuff cheap.
I thought that I gave them great ideas. I was trying to
nurture my artsy-crafty side. Christmas Day came, and my
MIL gave me a two room tent. I don't know why she did that.
I haven't been camping in about 20 years. And, she was showing
off all the cool little features that it came with. It still
hasn't been opened, and it's been over 7 months now.
Signed - Two Room Tent
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Strongly Disagree
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After having three children
in 4 years, I carried a lot of extra weight (I weighed 260 lbs.
at 5 foot 10). About 5 Christmases past, after losing 110
lbs., my MIL gave me a nightgown. It was a size 3 XL, mind
you. The old hag was just mad because I looked better than
she did, and because her new boyfriend had flirted with the new,
improved me.
Signed - I Looked Better
Than She Did
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
I have been coming to
this site for a while, and reading and responding. After all
this time, I have decided that I am not so badly off. I read
all the stories of horrible gifts, unhappy DILs and mistreated grandkids.
And now I think that I am pretty blessed!! I've heard of all
the intrusive, drunken visits, and the holiday controlling MILs.
And I know that I am doing well!! My MIL hasn't ever given
me a birthday gift, not in 17 years!! If there are NO gifts,
there are no bad or tacky hurtful gifts!! She does not come
to visit and take over. In the beginning, whenever she tried
that, we told her to go home!! When she is invited, she behaves,
or she leaves if she is not happy. She does not get gifts
of any kind for our children, because DH told her that if she was
that dumb, she should not bother. So, she sends money so that
we can let them get something that they want. She likes it
that way, and it works for me. My children are thrilled, and
I am not throwing out unwanted dollar store junk!!! She does
not tell us what to do, nor does she try to manipulate DH.
This is because, long ago, I told her that I was as strong as she
is, and I will win!! She goes out of her way to say polite
and nice things to me, because if she crosses the line, I will jump
in her craw in a NY MINUTE!! I, long ago, stopped waiting
for DH to get mommy in line, and I did it myself! I am blessed
- not with a great MIL, but without a bad one!!
Signed - Pretty Blessed!!
RESPONSE: Pretty Blessed!!
It sounds to me as if you have a great MIL!!!!
RESPONSE: Pretty Blessed!!
I'm convinced that it's your attitude that got you this "benign"
MIL. If we, as the matriarchs of our own families, make sure that
boundaries are set and not crossed, then the MIL will have no choice
but to back off and play nice. Good for you for nipping her in
the bud.
RESPONSE: Pretty Blessed!!
That's interesting. Was she really overbearing and intrusive at
first? So you laid down the law and now she is extra-nice to you?
That really makes me wonder if I'm STILL trying to appease my ILs
too much.
Frequent
Fry Her TM
- mck, 1 of 4 needed /Posted: 21-AUG-03
I'll give you a little intro first. I just
had my second child, 7.5 weeks ago. My son is 1 week short
of 16 months. I'm battling a little bit of baby blues right
now, and it hasn't been easy. DH is working out of town for
the summer, so I feel like a single parent! Anyway, this last
Sunday was DD's baby blessing, and my family was in town for it.
I don't see them very often, maybe twice a year, since they're in
another state. We see DH's family all the time, since they're
all within about three hours drive. We see them every holiday,
birthday, etc., and MIL will stop by frequently on her way to visit
someone else. Of course, she always calls and says, "Oh,
I'm about twenty minutes away, I'll be right there."
So, anyway, on Sunday, after the baby blessing, we took group pictures
on the steps outside the church, but my camera battery died, and
so I wasn't able to get any. Afterwards, we met outside on
our patio for the luncheon. Actually, everyone congregated
in our apartment, and we sent them back outside. Our apartment's
just too small for that many people! We had a good setup,
and everyone contributed to lunch. When we first got home,
my mom brought DD upstairs so that I could change DS, and get him
into bed for a nap. No one else had arrived yet. When
I came back out from changing him, MIL was making comments to my
mom about how she was hogging the baby. I was worried about
stuff like that. My mom just said politely that MIL was very
lucky to be so close and to be able to see her grandchildren so
often, and then she handed DD to her. I went into the kids'
room to nurse DD (she was screaming for food!) and to sit with DS
while he went to sleep. I had the door closed so that we wouldn't
be bothered. But, NO, that never works. MIL kept knocking
on the door to either see if DD was done or if DS was asleep yet,
and every time she did that, DS would wake up completely and start
crying when the door closed. I finally handed her over when
she was done, and tried to get him to sleep. I guess I should
say that this is where the day started getting rough for me.
My family had to leave after just a couple of hours, and I was so
sad that they had to go. I was also tired and stressed out,
especially with having so many people over. I was on the verge
of tears from the moment we got home from church, so anything that
happened from there on in was aggravating me. DS didn't go
to sleep, so I brought him outside, and MIL wanted to take a picture
with her, FIL and all the grandkids. So I said, "Hang
on just a second. I needed to grab a new battery for my camera."
She said that they'd wait for me. It took me maybe two minutes,
and when I was done, they were all getting up. She said that
I just wasn't fast enough, and that I missed it. I handed
DH the camera and walked back upstairs. I was so mad, and
I just started crying. I had already missed the group pictures,
and now I had missed this one too! This is an important day
for my little family, and I wanted pictures to remember it by!
DH came upstairs to check on me, and brought DS back up to try to
get him to sleep. I told him how much that hurt me and how
I really, really wanted pictures of just our family in our church
clothes, and he promised me that it would happen. It didn't.
I couldn't get him to cooperate when the timing was right, or MIL
would come over just as we were trying to pose and interrupt.
I was so mad! Things just got worse. MIL was so rude
to my family that I could have strangled her. I didn't dare
say anything at all because I was so upset. My family had
to leave just after we ate dessert, and it was so hard to say good-bye.
I was crying and DH was finally being sympathetic. When we
walked back in from saying good-bye., MIL made some comment about
how I shouldn't be sad, since the good part of the family was still
here. I could have smacked her! DH insisted that she
was just joking. But, even still, if she was joking, she's
got really crummy timing! The rest of our company left within
an hour or so, and left us with all the cleanup. But, it was
nice to have a quiet house, and no MIL, so I didn't care!
DS needed a bath, since he'd been splashing in the fountain and
playing in the dirt. When he got out, he was being so cranky!
I couldn't figure it out. It turned out that DH had said that
he was going to feed him when he got up from trying to nap, and
he never did. It was four thirty, and the poor kid hadn't
had anything but a couple of fruit snacks and a piece of cheese
since eight o'clock that morning. I was pretty depressed that
night with having my family gone, and it didn't help that DH had
to go out of town the next morning. When DH started hinting
at romance, I just started crying again. I was so emotionally
drained, that just the thought of doing one more thing for one more
person was too much for me. MIL called that night and said
that I "needed" to send DS up to spend a week with her,
since DH was out of town. There was no possible way!
She's a three hour drive north of us, and I'm not comfortable with
him being at her home without either DH or me. It's the least
child-friendly home that I've ever seen, and it's the biggest pigsty!
She got mad at me when I said no, that I needed him here with me.
So, she insisted that she needed to come and stay with me for a
while to "help" me. Let me just say this - her home
is a sty, and wherever she goes, she inflicts her lack of cleaning
standards on her hosts! When she's here, I have about twice
as much work as I usually do because she's such a slob. Not
to mention, she's constantly insulting me and undermining me, and
she is easily offended. I don't like confrontation, and it
feels like I've got a time bomb in my home! Arggghh!
Now, we've identified that I've got some form of depression.
It is not too severe, but it's there. DH wants me to have
MIL come stay with me for the summer! Talk about depressing!
Signed - Keep Her Out
of My Home!
RESPONSE: Keep Her Out of My
Home!
Hang in there. As for your MIL coming to stay for the summer, just
say NO and stick to it. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Keep Her Out of My Home!
PLEASE don't let her come and stay with you. That would be a HUGE
mistake. You don't need that toxic relationship at close range.
Please, please trust your gut feeling about this. If you have her
come and stay with you, you will be SO sorry. Don't do this to
yourself. You think that you're depressed NOW?
RESPONSE: Keep Her Out of My Home!
I'm sorry that you're going through a bad patch at the moment.
I hope that it will soon pass and you can fully enjoy your wonderful
kids again. However, I am very unimpressed that none of your family
felt that they could stand up to your MIL's meddling and intrusive
behavior. Your mother, or someone, should have given MIL a piece
of their minds when she kept interrupting you while you were feeding
the baby. I don't see why you have to put up with her visiting
you again so soon. Couldn't you all develop terrible infectious
diseases to stop her from coming? Even better, say flat out, "We
aren't set up for visitors right now. I need to spend time alone
with DD and DS. You are welcome to come and stay when DH is back"
RESPONSE: Keep Her Out of My Home!
I feel bad that you are going through such a difficult time and
DH is being less than helpful. Is there any way that you and your
children could go and spend time with your family since DH is away
anyway? If not, my suggestion to you would be to get a mild antidepressant
from your Dr. And, as soon as you get your spirits back, give your
MIL a good telling off. Don't answer the phone, and don't answer
the door, when you know it's her. Avoid her like the plague that
she is. Feel better soon.
RESPONSE: Keep Her Out of My Home!
Have a frank discussion with your DH, and agree that, yes, you are
tired and depressed. But, does he really think that having to work
twice as hard to clean up AND deal with the constant put-downs is
going to help YOU? It does not matter whether she "means"
those comments to be put-downs. To you they are. Period. And,
yes, all we DILs know what they are REALLY. Two hardworking, intelligent,
motivated parents should be able to come up with several ideas to
improve the situation without having to bring in the MIL. Just
do not let that woman into your home, into your schedule, or into
your life. She sounds awful.
RESPONSE: Keep Her Out of My Home!
NO!!!! Repeat after me, "NO!! NO!! NO!!" I couldn't
even stand my own mom staying with me when my hubby was out of state
for a week. She irritated me to no end! And, the comments! I
can't imagine a MIL. Ugh, I'd send mine to a kennel!!!! When DH
had to spend another week out of town, my mom thought that she'd
come stay with me. She didn't ask, I said, "Uh, that's okay,
mom. I really don't need you here. Thanks anyway!" You've
got enough to deal with - taking care of 2 children and the house
is enough. You don't need HER there making a mess, and not being
pleasant, to boot! I predict that if you don't stand your ground,
she will try take over. You will get worse, and she'll think that
she can take your kids out anytime. Well, you know! NO! NO!
NO! Tell DH that if she shows up, you'll call the cops!!!
RESPONSE: Keep Her Out of My Home!
Oh, I'm so sorry. It sounds like my MIL acts a lot like yours (dirty
house, easily offended, insists on "helping" even though
her "help" just makes more work, leaves a cloud of dust
in her wake wherever she goes, etc.). I have a 20 month old son
and another baby on the way. You should have seen the things she
did with DS while he was in her care (while I finished up teaching
that school year - only 10 weeks). I'm surprised he survived it.
She will not be getting her hands on the new one. I don't care
about her feelings anymore. I don't go to her house anymore, EVER.
DH goes over there, usually on weekends - sometimes spending the
ONLY free time that we have with her. I really feel your pain.
But, instead of getting upset and crying (I've done this myself),
go ahead and say something and put her in her place. These Mils
are so unreasonable and stupid that you can just come back easily
with something NOBODY will question - without yelling- and everyone
will see how unreasonable she is. I tried to let DH do all the
"correcting" of her behavior, but it doesn't do any good.
He rarely says anything to her in my defense. Remember that YOU
are the mommy and YOU DO know better than she does. I try to remember
that too, but it's hard sometimes, especially in a situation where
you are already emotionally drained. My thoughts are with you.
RESPONSE: Keep Her Out of My Home!
Where the he!! is your backbone? DH needs to try being more of
a parent. You need to open your mouth and tell people to back off.
You can be polite about it, but, honestly, you are not being rude
by demanding what you want and need. It's called being an adult.
You are not a child. And, you are not at their demand because you
have their grandchild. You are still a human being, and you need
a break, privacy, and a mouth to get it. Tell DH what you wrote
here about his mom being twice the work when she comes over. If
I had two small children, the last thing that I would want is my
DH's mother to take care of on top of that. Plus, it seems that
you take care of the children just fine, with DH not feeding his
own child and being a parent. Learn to speak up. You'll feel a
lot better and people will start respecting you more. If my MIL
kept opening the door, waking my baby up, and seeing if I was done
breastfeeding, I would have told her to stop acting like fool, and
asked her if she can't see what she is doing. You are letting idiots
walk all over you, including your no nuts DH, who can't keep his
mother from ruining stuff for you. It's his mother, and he needs
to be a man and take care of his wife and children. When it comes
to his family, it's his job as a DH and a man. He's leaving you
to feel overwhelmed, and one day you are going to explode, which
I don't think is a bad idea. But, really, he should be the one
handling his own mother. And, he should worry less about what she
needs and more of what you need to get through the baby blues.
Your are his first priority. Tell him to start acting like it.
He's letting his mom walk all over you, and it's got to be a great
annoyance on your patience.
RESPONSE: Keep Her Out of My Home!
First of all, you are not wrong in feeling overwhelmed and under-appreciated.
You did not need "romance" that night, you needed understanding
throughout the whole day. And, you do not have to sacrifice your
own self-worth or self-security to make MIL feel better. If she
induces stress (which she obviously does), then she is NO HELP at
all - quite the contrary. When you're overwhelmed and depressed,
it becomes that much harder to deal with hurtful situations (like
meddling Mils and non-understanding DHs). Not only are the emotions
amplified, but you are running on "empty", and don't have
the strength for a confrontation. Take the advice of someone who
has clinical depression and a more than dysfunctional family: Don't
keep all your frustrations about MIL and DH (or anything else) bottled
up! Don't give in to the idea as if it's not a big deal, or that
it's just because you're overly sensitive, or that it's something
that you're making up due to depression. Biological stresses and
raising a family may have made you prone to depression (which makes
you feel things intensely). But, the lack of consideration for
your feelings from MIL and DH is REAL. Antidepressants should help
lift your head out of perpetual near-weepiness and near-fatigue.
Without having to spend almost all of your energy keeping your head
above water, you will be able to focus more strongly on what you
need to take care of yourself, and how you can make sure your DH
and MIL respect those needs. Start putting your foot down, and
setting boundaries for yourself so that you will not be hurt or
overextended. It's okay to have to say "no" to things
- it doesn't make you a bad wife or DIL. For example, your MIL
isn't a "bad" person for being messy, nor does she have
to share your cleaning standard (in her own house, and dealing with
her own kids!). But, you have every right to say, "MIL, in
our house (and with our kids), we try to do XYZ". Enforce
boundaries that, if she cannot abide by those standards, then she
cannot come over while DH is away. It's called mutual respect.
I'm afraid that DH is expecting you to be the perfect 50s movie-style
wife, who raises the kids, entertains, and goes from Betty Crocker
in the daytime to Marilyn Monroe at night. DH could be doing this
without realizing it - most people underestimate mothering until
it happens to them. The important thing is, like I said before,
you can say "no" without being a bad wife. It's okay
to not be in the mood, and it's no more "bad" than DH
being in the mood. Stand by your guns, saying that MIL "helping"
would be a nightmare. Sorry it's so long. Hope you keep us updated.
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