My husband and I moved from another
country to the US a couple of years ago, about the same time that
we were married. I have 2 kids, and am pregnant with my
3rd and last. My MIL came over for a few months to help
take care of the kids, and my FIL soon joined her. Things
went well, at first, and I thought that I was a pretty good host.
My MIL would make little snide comments sometimes, but I just
ignored them. She asked why we gave our son his middle name
(my MIL and FIL gave both of my children their first names).
BTW, the relationship between DH and me is a work in progress,
and we have a lot of arguments and misunderstandings. I
thought that, if anything, his parents would act as moderators
for us, and assist us in resolving our problems. BIG MISTAKE.
One day, after my husband and I argued over his food, his dad
asked me if I had made lunch for my husband. When I replied
that I hadn't, he started shouting at me, and said that they had
heard all about me from one of their family members who had come
to help take care of my daughter when she was born. My MIL
told me not to cook for them for the remainder of their stay,
and that if I liked, I could cook for my husband. The next
day, my husband asked me to apologize to his parents in the name
of peace so that things could go back to normal. We both
went together to apologize to them, and that is when his dad let
it rip. He said that when he found out that I was pregnant,
he felt so irritated. He asked himself how his son could
make "this woman" pregnant. He said that my house
was shabby and dirty (we recently bought an old house that we
are slowly renovating). He said that my kids dressed shabbily
and cried all the time, and that I sleep all the time and ignore
my kids (all of this is not true). My kids dress very well.
He said that if we were in our native country, they would have
found another wife for my husband, the family would have sent
me away, or another woman would have taken my husband away from
me. He said that I should just give birth to the child that
I was carrying and get out. He said that his son hadn't
done anything wrong to me (hence, the arguments were all my fault),
etc. If I hadn't been brought up so well, I would have punched
him in the face. At any rate, I just sat there and took
it. I really do hate my in-laws, though. They control
my husband and are very manipulative.
Signed - Two Weeks
Left and Baring It
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MIL has always been a
little nasty with me, but just enough that I was the only one who
really caught on. Once, when my husband, my FIL, MIL and I
were looking at houses, she looked around and said, "This will
be perfect for my son. This neighborhood has a ton of pretty
blondes for him to be with." WHAT? I didn't say
anything. But, since then, I have decided to distance myself.
Signed - I Think That
She Is A Psycho
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
Worst gift: My MIL (who's
bipolar) got my husband, our sons, and me a box of expired cereal
for Christmas one year. It had expired the previous year.
Then, last year, she got my sons 2 mint flavored tennis balls FOR
DOGS! She said that she thought they'd be "sturdy".
Signed - Fed-Up In The
Pacific Northwest
RESPONSE: Fed-Up In The Pacific Northwest
OMG. This sounds like something my MIL would do! She buys boxes
of cereal, keeps them around for months or years, then mails them
to her son's family in FL (because the don't have cereal in FL?????).
She is constantly giving my son inappropriate toys. What is it
with these women??? I wonder if MY MIL is bipolar. I feel your
pain
My MIL and FIL have successfully
succeeded in breaking up our family. Obviously, I know that
there are serious deficiencies in my DH to allow this to occur,
but we almost managed to get away from them, and were very happy
for a while. Unfortunately, we also have children, and my
DH will always be a part of their life. I am terrified of
the impact that the ILs will have on them. My FIL is a very
mean alcoholic, and my MIL is a classic enabler and victim of a
lifetime of abuse at his hands. My DH and his brothers and
sister were abused verbally and physically (the boys and MIL), and
they were neglected most of their lives due to FIL's drinking.
My DH denies that this occurred, but other family members and MIL
told me about it (when we got along). Unfortunately, for the
sake of the "family", MIL believed that an evil father
and husband was better than none, and she still does. MIL
and FIL basically left us alone (as FIL spends all his time in the
bars, MIL works all the time to support them and his habit) when
DD was first born, and I managed to get along with them or avoid
them when necessary, since they weren't that interested in us.
DH has also had a drinking problem since FIL gave him his first
beer at age 12 (and drank with him since). DH was a full-blown
alcoholic when I met him, and his parents called him a loser (to
me and everyone, except DH) and had little to do with him.
DH sobered up and started recovering when I became pregnant (or
else I would have left, and I did until he committed himself to
sobriety). When he became sober, and capable of doing lots
of work for MIL and FIL on their house or running errands, they
became obsessed with monopolizing his free time. He was grateful
to finally get some type of love and attention from them, especially
his father. Their excessive requests eventually got to DH,
as he had no time for us, and he began to pull back from them.
He devoted himself to our family, and we were very happy.
When I became pregnant with my second, I told him that I would not
deal with the stress of them while I was pregnant. They treat
me terribly, and mostly ignore me in public. And, if they
get me alone, they say terrible things to me. No one in DH's
family believes it, except my SIL, who they also do it to.
This past weekend, after minimal recent contact with them, FIL begged
DH to help him work on his summer home (paid for by MIL's hard labor
- which serves as FIL's drinking retreat). DH went out of
state with them for the weekend - promising me that he could resist
the temptation to drink with them, that FIL was dying (not true),
and that he wanted to make up with him before it was too late.
DH returned after drinking heavily for 3 days. He was not
in contact with us all weekend, and he informed me that he was leaving
me (and our 2 year old daughter) because his parents helped him
see (with the help of alcohol) how I was destroying THEIR family.
I was keeping him and DD away from them. And, by not allowing
him to drink (and therefore relax), I was doing something that wasn't
good for him. They told him that he did not have a drinking
problem, and that all hard working men deserve to get drunk whenever
they want. Now, I know that DH makes his own decisions, and
it was a bad one to go there alone with them in the first place
and take that first drink. DH left, without a good-bye to
our daughter, and he has not been in touch. And, our daughter
is without a father. I am alone to raise our daughter (I am
also 7 months pregnant), and DH is on the binge of a lifetime.
My SIL called to tell me that my MIL was now calling all around
the family and telling them how horribly I treat my DH, and that
I would not let them nor my DH (?!) be around our DD. And,
they said that I threw DH out because I am unstable and have lost
my mind because of my upbringing. My SIL said that the family
believes her. SIL also said that MIL and FIL are obsessed
with me and constantly talk and complain about me to anyone who
will listen. My family lives far away, and I have very few
people around to support me. I know many of these stories
on this site are the result of MIL and FIL's having a negative impact
on their children's lives, but what these two are doing should be
illegal. I know that I am better off without him, but I obviously
loved him and now must see him destroy his life and watch the effects
on our DD. How can parents not want the best for their children
and their grandchildren? How can two people be so evil, especially
MIL? How can a mother not want her own son to lead a sober,
happy life and be the best father that he can to his daughter?
I'm sure that this will lead to a court case, eventually, to protect
us from these people, and I am heading into counseling to deal with
the effects of this and to learn how to handle it with my daughter.
I don't believe that I can forgive DH for doing this. Nor
do I believe that it won't happen again. They will never go
away and let him be happy. I have tried to live a good life
and not sink to their level. I believed that bad things come
to bad people, and that they would eventually pay, for what they
have done, through fate. I don't know anymore. I can't
fight these people alone, and I just want to lead a peaceful, happy
life with my children. I am devastated that I must do this
without DH now, and am also upset that these lies are being spread
about me on top of all this! Do I sound like a victim?
I don't think I have enough mean in me to fight these people, and
am afraid that they will not go away now.
Signed - Hoping For A
Miracle
RESPONSE: Hoping For A Miracle
As hard as it is, pick yourself up and start to build your future
without your husband. I would even say that you should go back
home. And, if he is ever ready to be a husband and father again,
let him start his new life with you in your new surroundings. I
doubt that you will ever have a successful marriage when your in-laws
are close by. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Hoping For A Miracle
The miracle will happen!! It will take time and will be hard at
first. But you are doing the right thing. Surround yourself with
friends, neighbors, etc. It will be much easier to do with a good
support network around you. You are not alone in this.
RESPONSE: Hoping For A Miracle
"How can parents not want the best for their children and their
grandchildren?" Maybe you should answer that yourself. You
got pregnant twice with a known alcoholic. You gave your children
a drunkard for a father and abusive drunks for grandparents. I
guess that it's easy to do when you don't stop and think about what
it does to the kids. The only difference between you and his mother
is that you repented your enabling.
RESPONSE: Hoping For A Miracle
You better find enough "mean" in you to fight for your
children. They sound like people that will try to get custody of
your children. You have to find the best lawyer possible to prevent
that from happening. At this point you shouldn't even allow your
husband to get anywhere near your child. He is not safe to be around
in his current position.
RESPONSE: Hoping For A Miracle
Please, document everything, and go to counseling. You are not
the crazy person here - they are. If DH ever comes to his senses
and gets off the booze again, make sure you think long and hard
about taking him back. The on again off again parenthood he will
provide to your DD will be worse than if he stays out of her life
altogether. I really feel for you, having a small child and being
pregnant. Best of luck to you for a stable future.
RESPONSE: Hoping For A Miracle
Are you kidding me?!!!!! Someone watching over you did you a favor
by getting that "loser" out of your life. Yes, that is
exactly what he is. I can't believe that you actually said, "Gee,
this man is a raging alcoholic, let me have a baby with him and
look forward to years of bliss," hoping for what miracle, that
you can be a part of this bunch of assholes' lives again???? Get
a life. You don't need these people to make your life whole. Keep
your children's interest in mind and try to show them they have
a mother with courage and brains enough to not sit and wish for
an alcoholic back in their lives. Father or no father, he walked
away and that is not a real man. You are crying over a grade A
loser, and putting all your hopes in the wrong direction. Wise
up, and don't waste your time waiting for this wonderful miracle
holding a beer can to come save you and children's lives. Give
me a break!!! Either you take this situation and make something
better of it, or you can pray and hope for this man to come and
make your lives miserable again.
RESPONSE: Hoping For A Miracle
Regardless of how dysfunctional your ILs are, the blame is not with
them. An adult man is responsible for his own choices in life.
It is convenient for your DH to blame everyone else around him,
as opposed to facing the truth. There are plenty of people who
turned their lives around after a messed up childhood. His parents
didn't decide for him. He made the decision to leave you and your
child. Let him go. Your DD will have a much better life without
a drunken father, and with a mother who is not all stressed out
by all the drama around her. You can't make him into the man you
want him to be, because he does not want to be that man! You deserve
someone who is going to make you happy. He is not that man. Let
them all drink together. While you're at it, make sure that your
DD is far from their reach. No child should be around people like
that.
RESPONSE: Hoping For A Miracle
I'm so very sorry for the situation that you find yourself in at
this time. You must be devastated. However, as a mother you have
to get up in the morning and keep yourself, your yet to be born
baby, and your child functioning. You're going to have to put yourself
in the best position possible to support and care for these 2 children.
I don't think that you can do that where you are. You said that
you have little to no support in your current community. You said
that your in-laws are trashing your reputation and that your DH
is drinking - so there's no support there. I think that you're
going to have to move home to your parent's house until the baby
is born and then go get a job - ANY job - that will allow you to
support your little family. All of this is contingent on whether
your parents are helpful and loving and can offer you the help you
need at this time. Not all parents are created equal, and if they
can't help you, then you'll just have to ask friends or other family
members to help. But the reality is that you need help in the short
term. Start divorce proceedings from your new place of residence
(hopefully it's in a different state). You cannot change your DH.
You cannot make him sober. And you cannot force your in-laws to
be reasonable. All you can do control is yourself. Period. And
you can set yourself up to win or to lose. It's up to you. We
recently buried my MIL, who died from chronic alcoholism. She looked
25 years older than she actually was, from the ravages of the disease.
She had destroyed her life, and made so many friends and family
miserable from the ugly late night phone calls and paranoid accusations.
Alcoholism runs in my family, too, so please believe that I have
some experience with what it looks like, and with how it can destroy
multiple lives. Don't let pity and hope for your DH blind you to
the reality that you're facing. I know it hurts, but you're going
to have to reach down deep and find the strength to fight. Remember,
you're fighting for a good and positive thing - the future - yours
and your children's. Again, I'm so sorry. Prayers are with you.
RESPONSE: Hoping For A Miracle
If you do not believe that you can be "mean" enough to
fight these people off, then consider this: DH has demonstrated
his willingness to put alcohol and his parents above you. Your
MIL is/was too weak to stand up to her own DH or to defend her own
son. How well do you think your children will do around a woman
like that? You have seen the damage that an alcoholic father can
do to his children. Do you want the same fate for your children
as well? They have lied about you in order to keep up their own
appearances. Quite clearly, they have no integrity. Are these
the people whom you want having influence and sway over your children?
You would do well to be "mean" and flee godspeed on your
donkey. You and your children deserve to live in a safe, nurturing,
loving environment. Make your own miracle and leave DH and ILs.
RESPONSE: Hoping For A Miracle
You are doing the right thing. I'm amazed at your strength. I
am the child of an alcoholic and drug-abuser. My parents stayed
together. I hold so much resentment towards my father for doing
this to me, and I also hold my mom responsible, as I was her outlet.
I became her therapist when it became too hard, and I was only a
child. Here's my advice: Leave. I know that it's hard and terrible,
and there's a lot that is unknown. But the farther away from these
people you are, the better. Make your own life, one that they cannot
shake. Going to counseling is a great thing to do, especially right
at the start of this journey. You seem like such a strong woman,
and your head is in the right place. Do what you can to get away
from these people.
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