Worst gift: Last Christmas
we spent part of Christmas Day at the IL's house. This was
3.5 months before DH and I got married. We already had a
house together. We had been together for two years.
My ILs were not what I would have picked for a MIL and FIL (I
love my SILs and BILs, they are wonderful and caring people).
MIL and FIL made a point of saying that they did not feel like
shopping that year, so they were giving something small along
with money. We opened our presents, they were just cheap
dollar store trinkets. But there was a cute address book,
so I knew that I would use it. I thanked them for the book.
When the checks were opened, my two SILs (DH's sisters) were almost
in tears, thanking their parents for the generous gift.
I opened our card because DH was talking to BIL. It was
a check written to DH and me for $15.00. I thanked them
and showed the check to DH. He looked confused, but looked
up and thanked them. Before we left, his mom called him
aside and gave HIM a check for a very generous amount. She
told him that it was for him and only him, and not to let "her"
talk him into spending it on anything. She has repeatedly
reminded me of how much she loved DH's ex-girlfriend. She
has, in every way, made me feel like less than a person.
For the two months following the wedding, she refused to talk
to me, and would only talk to DH if I was not around. She
tells him, every time we go over there, that she misses him, and
he can come home whenever he wants. She always offers to
fix him, and only him, something to eat while we are there.
I have no idea why she treats me this way. She just dotes
on all the girl's husbands. I am the only DIL. I really
wish it were different. I would like to have a good relationship
with them, but it just seems impossible.
Signed - Oh Well, You
Win Some, You Lose Some
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My MIL is absolutely insufferable.
She is always in our business and tells me that I do everything
wrong - from the type of cleanser that I use to the car I drive
(she insists that I am disrespectful to her family, because I drive
a car that is made by a competitor of the company that her DH works
for). She feels that I don't respect her, because we don't
want to spend every Sunday at her home for dinner (if she was nice
to me, I would consider it). She has lied to my husband about
things that I have supposedly said or done. She makes up stories
to try to make us fight in hopes that he'll spend more time with
her. But, more importantly, she hopes it will lead to him
spending time away from me. She has tried to "investigate"
my past to see if she can dig up any dirt on me, because she swears
that I am no good. Any time I make plans to go out with my
friends (which isn't often), she implies that I am going out to
cheat on him. Luckily, my husband knows her game and doesn't
buy into her bull, but it is putting a strain on our life together.
I am convinced that no one will ever be good enough for him, so
I try not to take it too personally. But, it is getting to
the point where we are discussing moving out of town (or state)
to have a more peaceful life. We have even put off having
children because of fear that she will harass us even more . . .
Signed - If That's Possible
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- desperately seeking sanity, 1 of 4 needed
/Posted: 9-SEP-03 Worst gift: After a
catalogue of bad presents (a tea cozy - I don't drink tea!, household
goods for me and personal items for DH), my MIL decided that she
was going to give me money. You can't go wrong with that,
can you? Actually, yes! She was working in an old people's
home at the time. Apparently I had to have something to unwrap
in front of the family, as a check isn't a proper present.
So I unwrapped an address book with the names and addresses in it
of complete strangers. To be precise, it had the names of
one of her late resident's family members!!!
Signed - Complete Afterthought!
RESPONSE: Complete Afterthought!
You should have taken that address book, sent it in to the management
of the residence, and reported your MIL for pilfering!
RESPONSE: Complete Afterthought!
I can tell you that there will probably be responses telling you
not to be upset about this gift from MIL. I sometimes feel
the same way when I read stories about gifts from MIL. However,
this one is really outrageous. I would have asked MIL, "What
am I supposed to do with this? Contact these people?"
This is a great site.
I just found it today! Thank you!! Oh my, where do I
begin? My MIL and FIL are so dysfunctional that you would
not even believe it. I've been with my husband for almost
10 years. We were living together before, and we just got
married a few months ago. They used to like me and treat me
pretty well. But, ever since we moved away to the east coast
last year, I am now the enemy. It is my fault that I wanted
a better life for us and put the idea in his head to move.
We got great jobs here, and we have a great home - we had none of
these things while we were living near them. We would still
be poor if we were there. My FIL constantly badmouths me to
others in our hometown. He calls me disgusting names (you
think it, he's said it, I am sure) and does not even acknowledge
that I am a part of his son's life. My MIL supposedly likes
me still, but every chance she gets she turns it around and says,
"We love you both, no matter how DIL feels about us."
So, now I am the one who is being difficult? I think not.
My husband knows how dysfunctional they are, and it makes us both
sick. Even though we are 3000 miles away, we still have to
deal with this cr@p. So, anyone out there who thinks that
it all goes away when you move is wrong. DH hates calling
them. He calls once a week only because he feels obligated
to do so, and FIL badmouths the area that we live in (even though
he has never been here)!! We love it here! And, the
MIL always acts all depressed when she talks to my husband, like
it is so devastating that my husband has a great job and new life
here. I get so stressed out about this still. I do try
to let it go. But, every time my husband calls his family,
something else happens, or somebody tells me something that my FIL
said back home. Oh, did I mention that DH's ex-girlfriend
is now one of their good friends? It never was an issue before.
But, now they go to the bar where she works. They try to mention
her to DH now, though he does not care to hear it. They talk
about me to her, and say how rotten I am!!! They have been
rotten to my husband and his sister since they were little.
I could tell you more stories, but it really would take the whole
page! My SIL and BIL get along great, thank goodness.
And, my family loves my husband. Anyone out there similar
to me? I feel like the only one who has to deal with this
stuff. I wish I could just let it go. I have always
been such a likable person, and now them not liking me is driving
me crazy. I have not personally talked to them in almost a
year. And, they did not want to come to their son's wedding,
which was here on the east coast. Anybody have any advice
on how to handle these people? We have gone to some counseling,
and they said to shut them out of our lives. But, that is
easier said than done. I feel that, when they have grandkids,
they should at least be able to have some sort of relationship with
them. But, is that a good thing???
Signed - East Coast vs.
West Coast Family Feud
RESPONSE: East Coast vs. West Coast Family Feud
The best way to deal with the problem is head on and truthfully.
DH needs to tell them that he will stop calling or seeing them if
the abuse does not stop. And, then he needs to do it. One of two
things will happen, they will change and the family will be better,
or he would have tried his best and will no longer have to deal
with it.
RESPONSE: East Coast vs. West Coast Family Feud
Stop calling them. I don't think I'd want my children to associate
with them. Just because they're biologically someone's grandparents,
that doesn't make them GMs and GPs. You went to counseling and
they gave you the answer. Follow it.
RESPONSE: East Coast vs. West Coast Family Feud
What is easier, to shut them out of your lives, or for your DH to
continue to call them once a week and listen to their cr@p directly,
and for the cr@p to reach you via those friends and family members
who run into the in-laws? I think that DH should cut his calls
back to every two weeks, then every three weeks. If the ILs inquire
as to why that is, let DH be honest with them. Someone needs to
speak up.
RESPONSE: East Coast vs. West Coast Family Feud
Counseling!!!! You need to learn how to deal with these people,
and DH needs to hear it from an outsider (that calling them is bad
for you both). "Toxic In-Laws", read it, memorize it.
If he needs to call them, tell him that you don't want to hear it.
They are not your parents.
RESPONSE: East Coast vs. West Coast Family Feud
Letting them have a relationship with the grandkids is not necessarily
a good thing. I'm pretty sure that many of the posters here will
tell you that, too. I don't have a relationship with any of my
ILs, neither does my husband. And, we know that if our daughter
was in contact with them, they would just badmouth us to her, and
treat her horribly for having the great sin of being our daughter.
Personally, I think your counselor is right, sometimes it's better
to just shut them out completely. You are a family, and you need
to preserve your own little family's sanity now, not the insane
cult you married into.
RESPONSE: East Coast vs. West Coast Family Feud
Sorry. I know what a pain it is to be the ONLY reason that their
son has left the faammmily. I mean, their son couldn't POSSIBLY
have his own mind, education, dreams, hopes and desires for his
future, could he? All these threatening things MUST come from the
DIL. And their poor, poor deluded son must just be blinded by the
sex. After all, he WAS a virgin until that wicked woman ruined
him, right? Listen, you probably went to a reputable therapist.
Take his or her professional advice. Don't worry about the relationship
the in-laws have or don't have with future grandchildren. THEY
are adults and are in control of their behavior. And, they must
deal with the choices they make, just like every other adult on
the planet.
RESPONSE: East Coast vs. West Coast Family Feud
You now live about 3,000 miles apart? The reality of their involvement
in your life is that it is minimal. The fact that you can't let
go of whatever is said during the hour or so a week your DH might
spend talking to them on the phone (in a week of 168 hours) is what
is putting the situation into your everyday life, and that is not
their doing. You made a statement that says the whole thing. You
said, "I wish that I could just let it go. I have always been
such a likable person, and now them not liking me is driving me
crazy." The problem here is that you have issues with the
fact that you can't stand not having their approval. This is a
problem that you can only solve from within yourself. I suggest
personal counseling, not about the ILs, but about learning for yourself
how to accept that not everyone has to like you. I say this not
to be harsh, but as a woman who has struggled with this, too. Your
peace of mind should not depend on how anyone else feels about you.
If it does, that's a warning sign that you need to address. Best
of luck.
RESPONSE: East Coast vs. West Coast Family Feud
It seems to me that the best way to handle them is not to handle
them at all. Your DH is down to one call a week. OK, duty and
all, but that can taper off, too. And, it might even help him if
he were to tell his parents that he's tired of the badmouthing,
BS, and general disrespect for his choices. Why would anyone volunteer
to be treated badly? The geography cure isn't instant or complete,
but you know it would be worse if you were in that same old town
listening to the gossip. Just why are you hearing it anyway? Was
there some "helpful" friend who just had to tell you?
Don't worry about your IL's interactions with the ex-GF, she's just
a person, and she must have some good qualities or your DH would
never have been with her to begin with. If you feel some need for
revenge, just consider that your evil ILs are spending time with
her now, the poor thing. And they are at her job yet, where she
can't escape them. As for hypothetical GKs and their relationship
with their GPs, why would you want to let your own children be treated
the way these people have treated you and their own son? Make friends.
You get to choose them, and your children might benefit from that,
too.
RESPONSE: East Coast vs. West Coast Family Feud
Wow, they want your DH to leave a well paying job, and for you to
return home to his ex-girlfriend, who now slings beer in a bar?
What is wrong with this picture? I can tell you what I figured
out from DH's family. We spent 10
years in Europe, and when we returned home for visits, there were
small differences in our behavior, for the better. We cleaned up
our accents, got introduced to great food, wines and cheeses, etc.
See if this sounds plausible. Your ILs are simply jealous. They
realize that they can't/won't have the same opportunity to improve
themselves, and it drives them crazy. They think that you are thumbing
your noses at them, because they remained in their hometown, with
it's depressed economy. When, in fact, you aren't. There is no
easy way to handle this. If your DH were to call more often, they
would think that he/you were rubbing your good fortune in their
faces. If he calls less often, they would think that you put him
up to not loving them more often. If they've not used this one
yet, watch out for it: "You brainwashed my son!" We
had somewhat similar problems with MIL. When we moved to Europe,
our marriage solidified. Now, he stands up for himself, instead
of being so passive. And, she asks me why I made him so mean!
This after he stood up to her about cleaning her brother's house,
which was being taken over by the bank due to his defaulting on
a loan. We used to fly home to visit both our families, and we
would end up doing major yard work for MIL, when DH's brother lives
one street over! Meanwhile, my mother rarely asks my DH to do anything
for her. Your DH needs to set boundaries in his next phone call.
Keep in mind, though, that whatever he tells them, they will lay
the blame at your feet. Good luck, and let us know how things go.
RESPONSE: East Coast vs. West Coast Family Feud
I'm from the east coast, but I'm currently living on the west coast,
because DH and I are in the service. It's nice, but it's expensive
as he!!. Everyone is leaving the west coast for the east. The
east coast has everything, and you don't pay an arm and a leg for
rent or school. First of all, DH should be defending you to the
bone. And, every time someone wants to say something that is against
you, he needs to hang up. He needs to tell them that if they can't
respect you, then they aren't respecting him. And he needs to tell
them that he doesn't want to talk until they grow up and start making
an effort to make things right. He needs to tell them that chatting
with his ex and knocking his wife only proves to him that they are
the ones with the problem, and they need to grow up. You married
each other, now tell him to act like a husband. He is supposed
to defend you. It is his job, and he should tell them all to knock
it off or he will limit contact. This is marriage, and it's you
and him against the world. But he is letting what his parents say
filter in about you, and it is hurting your marriage. You need
to get him to start hanging up on the bastards when they make comments
that offend his wife or bring up the ex. He is letting them do
this by not telling them to shut their mouths and to stop making
fools of themselves. Let them be unhappy and go to the bar to talk
to the ex. But you two have a choice - to step away and be happy.
Cut them off if you have to. No marriage should be strained by
idiot ILs on the outside looking in. And, obviously, they know
nothing about what makes their son happy, nor do they care. And
their opinions are not important to you anymore because it all comes
down to what you both need and want. But, the first thing DH needs
to do is to take a stand for you, because you are his family now,
and you two will be taking care of each other way after they are
gone. They are probably still unhappy and jealous that you motivated
each other to get out of a dump and make a better life for yourselves.
What do they think they are really doing by talking about you to
the ex, and what does that tell you about their lack of character
and unhappiness? Really, just look at how pathetic their behavior
is, and how much they need to do this with their lives for entertainment,
because it doesn't sound like they got much going.
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