My story is about the MIL who does
live on the next street over, and who is, along with the FIL,
in our daily lives just a tad too much. My DH talks with
MIL every day, quite often twice a day, and DH feels that there
is no problem with the ILs spending as much time as possible with
us. We have been married for 11 years now, and I have still
not gotten used to it. I have, however, decided to opt out
of some of the get-togethers by getting myself involved in other
community activities. I have joined a service club, golf
on ladies night, and take any opportunity that I can to get out
and do things with my work, etc. AND, I DON'T FEEL GUILTY
ABOUT IT - EVER!!! DH has spent many hours on the golf course,
so I never need to feel guilty. My biggest problem is with
the MIL who helped raise my SD (stepdaughter), who was 4 when
I met my DH. It seems that the MIL still feels that bond
with the SD (who is now 14) and interferes in how we raise her.
She goes across the line sometimes. The SDs DM is nowhere
in the picture, thank goodness for us. But, the MIL is filling
her shoes in many ways. The SD has a lot of jealous feeling
towards our two natural sons, and most days cannot tolerate being
around them. The MIL sympathizes with the SD all the time,
and babies the SD all the time. If the SD doesn't get something
at home that she wants, the MIL makes sure that she gets it at
her home. The MIL also has to inform yours truly about every
detail of the SD's life, just in case I didn't already know.
It is like she is so happy if she can fill me in on something
about the SD that I wasn't aware of. She is always trying
to make it seem like she is closer to the SD than I am.
MIL is constantly talking about BIL, who is married to her daughter.
She is always badmouthing him (he doesn't take part in family
stuff, etc.). I know that when I am not there - you guessed
it - MIL is talking about me and how I don't do this for SD and
that for SD. Well, the other day the MIL stepped over the
line one more time. The SD doesn't enjoy family trips anymore.
We took family pictures on the last few that we went on.
The SD was upset with her brothers, and she didn't smile in the
pictures. The other day, the MIL got the SD to herself and
got someone to take a picture of them. The SD was, of course,
smiling in the picture. Last night, the MIL ensured that
the SD showed me the picture of her smiling. And, of course,
who was she beside in the picture? THE MIL!!! Thank
goodness God gave me a wonderful DH and two wonderful sons.
I am glad that the DH is good to the ILs, but I just wish they
lived 500 miles away!!
Signed - I Am Sure
The MIL Is The Devil In Disguise
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My mother is always thinking
that she is the best. Whenever she tells someone about an
incident, she always makes me out to be an idiot and she makes herself
out to be the smart one. How self-centered and love-me-and-only-me
can you get?
Signed - The So Called
"Idiot"
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
Six months ago I was
10 months pregnant and in the hospital being induced. I only
wanted my fiancé, my mom and my best friend there.
Instead, I got my fiancé's whole family! The induction
didn't work, so the next day they tried again. Once again
his whole family came in. After they broke my water, the contractions
were horrible. His family was going in and out of my room
and the "family room" in the hospital. Whenever
they came in, they would stand at the end of my bed and stare at
me (being in pain). Then, they would walk out and sneer without
saying a word. When my doctor came in to examine me, I told
my fiancé to tell everyone to go. His mother went over
to the door and just stood there. So, my fiancé told
her again, and she said, "I'm going, hold on," and continued
to stand there. I was so mad. I don't even know whether
she left or not. I couldn't believe that! I may have
been having a baby, but I am still a person, and still deserve some
kind of privacy! To this day I am still pissed. Wouldn't
you be?
Signed - Humiliated
RESPONSE: Humiliated
Sue fiancé for child support, and dump him.
RESPONSE: Humiliated
Why did you tell them to get the #*@% out of the room?
RESPONSE: Humiliated
The nurses could have been your ally. Next time, if there is a
next time, get a birthing plan and inform the hospital that NO ONE
but your SO is to be in the room. YOU are the patient. Come to
the boards. Leahg has some great "contracts" on the site
about this topic.
RESPONSE: Humiliated
I feel for you! Your DF should have stepped in sooner. His family
was acting inappropriately, especially when you did NOT invite all
of them to show up! I will be having my first baby soon, and there
is no way that my MIL will be invited. She would do the same thing
- stare and sneer! Ideally, he will call the parents AFTER the
baby arrives, NOT when labor starts. I agree with you. The mother
of the baby needs some privacy. It certainly isn't a modest event!
RESPONSE: Humiliated
That would have been a perfect opportunity to throw anything that
you could get your hands on. I would have gotten off the bed and
thrown her out myself. Is she stupid? Does she not understand
you language? I would not have allowed that day to be ruined.
RESPONSE: Humiliated
Next time, CALL nobody before you are cleaned up, and have an hour
to yourselves. Birth is not a spectator sport. I would be angry,
too, if this happened to me. BOUNDARIES need to be set up NOW,
for every aspect of your new family's lives. She sounds like a
witch. I am sorry that this had to happened to you.
RESPONSE: Humiliated
You should enlist the hospital staff to help you have some privacy.
They will keep family out of the labor and delivery room, and will
not give out information on your condition. To ensure all this,
provide the hospital with a written statement that these are your
wishes.
RESPONSE: Humiliated
All you had to do to save yourself from being humiliated was to
say no. I'm assuming that you are in the US, and this IS a free
country where you can have a birth plan and have people respect
it.
RESPONSE: Humiliated
I knew that I shouldn't have been reading these letters. This sort
of story puts me into a furious temper. My own mother ignored my
wishes. She found out that I was in labor by calling the hospital,
and then she barged in, uninvited, during the labor saying, "I'm
her mother." When the baby was born, she stood around and
instructed me about breastfeeding. She spoilt the moment forever.
What is wrong with people? Why can't they let you wash the blood
off of your arse before they intrude on your privacy? I am straightforward
with people and tell them what I want. But, they please themselves.
My second birth was so much better. As I have written before, I
lied about the due date! Next time I will be lying about the hospital.
Intrusive people do it for two reasons: 1. To have power over
you - something they can bring up during conflicts. 2. To make
themselves seem important and useful. It has been nearly four years
since my first child was born, and I still haven't forgiven my mother.
I am very wary of her when I am pregnant. She acts for all the
world as if she is pregnant. My advice to you is to be very wary
and suspicious of DH and the ILs. Chances are that when it comes
to the crunch, they won't help you at all. If you are planning
any future pregnancies, tell all of the nurses and doctors on duty
that there are to be no visitors to the labor ward. Write this
in big block letters on all of the forms that they present to you.
Make sure you tell all the new ones on shift change. If you have
lied about your due date, hide all of the documents that they place
near your bed. These intrusive people will, no doubt, be going
through your files. My in-laws have even gone through our rubbish.
Before going into labor, on both occasions, I have made sure that
there is nothing incriminating or embarrassing in the bins! The
only way that I have learnt to cope with their behavior is to recognize
that they have the problem, not me. My children are beautiful,
and I am a great mother. If I need things during labor, I have
to demand them and make them clear to absolutely everyone, even
in my worst moments. My mother probably suspects that I lied about
my due date. Any hurt she feels from this, she thoroughly deserves.
In general, I think that there is a lack of respect for pregnant
women. People think that you have taken leave of your senses when
you are in labor. So Humiliated, and all the other women out there
having babies - stand up for your rights, make yourself clear (swear
if you have to) - whatever it takes. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Humiliated
I hear you, but you should have told the nurses to kick them all
out and to keep them out, it is their job. You are the patient,
and your comfort is their command. I would have had no problem
looking them each in the eye and telling them to leave, saying that
I'm having a baby and I'm very uncomfortable with everyone being
present. You have that right - don't ever forget that or feel bad
about hurting others' feelings while you're in labor. Please!!!!
To think that a mother in labor should worry about what others want
is a joke. It is absurd, and it needs to be recognized a lot more.
You were obviously unaware of the fact that the nurses would have
had that room cleared out for you in the drop of a hat, and all
you had to do was say when. If you decide that another child is
what you want, you will feel much better if you announce to everyone
that they will not be in the room at anytime during labor. It's
your decision, not anyone else's, not even DH. You are the mother,
the one in pain, and you call the shots, NO ONE ELSE!!!! If you
aren't comfortable with DH, you can throw him out, too. My mother
did, after my father started complaining about how long she was
taking to deliver. He deserved it, and I would have done the same
to anyone else, even if they were just staring and not saying a
word. They would have been so OUT!!!!!
I have learnt my lesson
never to let my ILs "help" me during delivery. My
MIL is passive-aggressive, and likes to play the martyr/victim type.
My FIL is very pushy and domineering. I had a c-section, and
they seemed to ignore this fact. My MIL will come up with
"I-suffered-worse-than-you" stories, and my FIL will push
me to be more "active", insinuating that I'm a lazy bum
who exaggerates my pain. He comes up with comments like, "Ahh,
a c-section is nothing! I had hernia surgery and they made
holes in my stomach! But, I walked around the same day!"
Right after surgery they crowded my hospital room with relatives,
and they did this every day till I got out. MIL will take
my DD to show off what a loving granny she is when people are around,
but she can't be bothered when there's no one to see. My FIL
bossed me around, and he insisted that my baby was not hungry, but
"spoiled" when she cried. Ever heard of a spoiled
newborn? He acts as if he knows everything, and is very pushy
about it. DD cried her lungs out, and he stopped me from picking
her up and feeding her. My MIL sighed to the aunts and complained
that she had to do all the work, and that I did nothing. Mind
you, I told her that I'd like to do laundry and help as much as
possible, but she pushed me away and told me, "No," it
was her house and she would do everything - nobody else but her.
She even insisted on serving my food. When the relative visited,
she liked to show off as to how hard she worked and served me.
And, when I was not around, she started the "poor-me"
act, and said that I was the evil, ungrateful DIL. What really
gets to me is the play acting sh!t. Though she plays the weakling,
my MIL is the one wearing the pants in the family. She can
play her family around and get what she wants. Two weeks after
birth, DH had to leave me to go back to work, and I stayed another
month longer (I stayed there for 3 months before birth). So,
it was just FIL, MIL, DD and me. I did not get to rest after
surgery. MIL never even touched DD after DH left. They
pushed DH to have a Baptism 1 week after birth, and FIL/MIL planned
everything and invited everybody - hundreds of relatives.
She had total control over it. MIL chose the godparents herself,
and only told me when it was already agreed upon. She never
once included me in the discussion. And, in the end, I only
tagged along, feeling pretty much like the guest, not the mother
of the baby. DH is hardly aware of how pushy and overbearing
his parents are, because they have been doing this forever, and
he only gets to see them once a year. In his mind, they are
his sweet, loving, well meaning parents. Being a newcomer,
I can see right through them, and I have been patient for so long.
The nosy ILs feel like they have the right to our business, and
have no problem discussing MY family planning method at the dinner
table with aunts and uncles. Now, I am 7 months pregnant and
I have decided to give birth in Asia. I invited my parents
this time. So, MIL has been lobbying to come and "help"
me. I know that her real intention is to play tourist, and
nothing else. Her interest in DD is insincere at best, and
they didn't do a good job hiding their disappointment about my next
baby's gender. FYI, we move frequently and the next move is
to a great city. And, that's where we decided to give birth.
MIL has never showed interest in the countries that we've been in.
And, now, she repeatedly pushes the subject about coming to help,
even though I pointedly told her that my mom will be there - so
thanks anyway. So, now she's pushing DH about it. Though
we sat down and he agreed not to let his parents walk all over us
and to start drawing boundaries, I can see that MIL just has to
mention the subject and DH gets all jumpy, trying to make me give
way. I feel bad for him, but I feel that I have to be strong.
I really hope that he doesn't think that I am a nasty b!tch, and
I am doing this for us as a family. Help!
Signed - Clueless DIL
RESPONSE: Clueless DIL
Tell DH that if MIL and FIL show up, you are going to send all three
of them home.
RESPONSE: Clueless DIL
I stopped reading your story at the part where you let FIL stop
you from picking up DD to feed her. What kind of mother won't feed
her own child because some stupid FIL is in the way? Take charge
and stop being such a victim.
RESPONSE: Clueless DIL
You're not clueless, you're fed up, and I don't blame you. Stand
your ground. I can't believe that you let them take over your newborn
like that. Remember, you are now an adult, too, and you have every
right. Heck, you have the responsibility to assert your own authority
in your life.
RESPONSE: Clueless DIL
Stick to your guns, brave girl! This is YOUR family, and you have
the right to call the shots. If you start to give in to your MIL's
guilt and manipulations now, it will never get better. Hopefully,
your man will see what's going on. Ask him how he would feel if
it was YOUR mother acting this way. Make your plans and stick to
your decision. Ask your DH where all her love and respect for him
as the head of the house is when she gets pushy and manipulative.
It worked with my DH. I kept throwing the ball in his court, and
now he sees right through her.
RESPONSE: Clueless DIL
Oh my! I think that our MILs are long lost sisters!!! The whole
"I had it worse than you" act, and wanting to brag and
show off when others are around is very typical of my MIL's behavior
as well. My MIL also has little regard for her grandchildren.
It's all show with her. She wants people to THINK that she is a
great mother and grandmother! Luckily, my FIL is more "normal",
but his problem is that he is an enabler by letting MIL act like
this! My MIL does the same thing. She acts like she is so helpless,
but she also wears the pants in the family. I wish you the best
with your upcoming birth. DON'T let your MIL ruin such a blessed
event.
RESPONSE: Clueless DIL
STAY STRONG. DON'T LET THESE PEOPLE WALK ALL OVER YOU!!! Doesn't
your MIL get it through her greasy head that your mom will be helping
you? Try to have little contact with these people. Good luck!!!
RESPONSE: Clueless DIL
Stand strong, and don't bow to any pressure from MIL. The fact
that your ILs took over how your first child should be taken care
of and the baptism is an indication that they believe that they
are in charge as the heads of your family, not you and DH. You
and DH must work together to keep control of your own house and
family. Until you establish this, all visits with either one of
them should be short and seldom.
RESPONSE: Clueless DIL
You are letting his family walk all over you. It is his responsibility
as a man to keep his family from bothering you and manipulating
you. I have never heard of a mother not having a say in who the
grandparents are. You are the mother!!!!! The only good advice
that I can give you is to start calling people on what they do.
You are not being a nasty b!tch, and don't worry about what the
he!! DH thinks, because he has no problem having rose colored glasses
on when it comes to his family and his parents. You and the baby
are his family, and you are supposed to be his first priority, so
start demanding him to call his parents off and get them under control,
or there are going to be problems.
RESPONSE: Clueless DIL
I wouldn't give MIL your new address when you move!! Don't let
her walk all over you. This is your life, and you only have one.
RESPONSE: Clueless DIL
Move far, far away from these people. Your DH needs to also grow
a pair. He needs to be emotionally supporting you and your kids.
I don't care if they are his FAMILLLLY, BARF! YOU are now his family,
and they are his parents. Nobody whom you don't want to be with
should be around for at least 10 weeks post partum due to the huge
hormone change and overall family adjustments that happen with the
birth of a child. Babies cannot be spoiled. Tell them to GIVE
you your kid, or get the heck out of there. Good luck with your
move, and congratulations on your new bundle.
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