Before DH and I got married, we
were living together. We had rented a house. We furnished
it the best we could, and it took quite a bit of our money to
do it. FDH got cold feet about the engagement, and without
a commitment, I wouldn't continue to live with him. So,
after a heated discussion, I packed an overnight bag and went
to a friend's house. The next day, I came back to get my
things, only to find that my FMIL had gone through and picked
what she wanted and left me her leftovers of my stuff!!
Y'all wait - there's MORE where that came from!
Signed - MILiminator
0
1
0
Strongly Agree
Somewhat Agree
Somewhat Disagree
Strongly Disagree
Please Seek Counseling
Continue on Message
Board
My MIL has just driven
my wife so very close to the edge. DW rented her mom's house
for 10 years, and then was kicked out because it was going to be
sold. Her mom then moved into it herself. She let 4
years pass, and decided to give my wife an early inheritance, because
she didn't need a 5 bedroom farm house when it was just her and
her husband, and she only used it 2-4 days a week. Very generous,
no? No. It is not very generous when you consider the
legal stipulation list that would be included, primarily clauses
prohibiting sale and mortgaging, and giving half ownership to her
5 year old grandson, and nothing to his year old brother.
Maybe this would be understandable if we had substance abuse or
responsibility issues, but both DW and I are gainfully employed
(police officer and RN), and boringly sober. She will pay
any price to control and manipulate our lives, and especially that
of her favorite grandson. The other child does not matter.
Dignity and independence are too high a price to pay for any dwelling,
however nice. This also included her changing our statement
that we could not afford a larger house in this area into "you're
losing your house". We will stay in our bungalow, and
be happy in our shabby independence. And, as soon as practicable,
we will move to Mars or some other MIL free zone. Nice going,
mom. You really had us going there for a minute.
Signed - Not Moving
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
I am at a loss as to
what to do next. My DH and I got married last fall.
My MIL started to freak out a few months before the wedding, after
2 1/2 years of being supportive of our relationship and desiring
us to get married. The tension mounted into an argument that
ended with me trying to leave their house, my fiancé trying
to stop me, and MIL trying to punch me over his shoulder.
After a month of her "not coming to the wedding", things
seemed to resolve, although she kept trying to talk my husband into
waiting another year to get married. He had moved into their
house to save money and pay off debt, but his mother is a spender
and influences the kids to spend and not worry about credit card
debt. She kept trying to convince him to wait because he didn't
have the debt paid off, but he knew that waiting and staying there
wasn't going to help. My husband goes over there about twice
a week to work for his dad's business. Every time he goes
over there, she has criticisms about me. She tries to make
him say that we shouldn't have gotten married, and tells him that
he can move home if he wants to leave me. She accuses me of
having borderline personality disorders, of not feeding him well,
and of not loving our dog. You name it, she has accused me
of it. I have tried limiting what I say when I'm there so
as not to offend. I have cut down my visits to no more than
2X per month, and still nothing works. I can deal with having
a MIL who will never accept me and who will never treat me like
a family member, but my concern is what problems will result from
my husband constantly hearing this stuff. Any suggestions
on how to deal with this MIL? My husband has tried limiting
his contact and conversation with her as well, and it still isn't
helping. I just don't get this - she has said and done some
pretty rotten things, and we have only been married a year.
In my family, in-laws are treated like everyone else. My husband
is just adored by my parents and they consider him to be their son.
Signed - I Just Don't
Get This
RESPONSE: I Just Don't Get This
DH needs to break himself of any dependence on his parents. Even
if he is doing useful work for a fair price, it is a form of control.
RESPONSE: I Just Don't Get This
DH needs to lay some ground rules for her. He needs to tell her
that she is not allowed to speak ill of you. And, if she begins,
he will leave or hang up. She'll get the picture.
RESPONSE: I Just Don't Get This
Maybe DH should make clear to her that if she continues to tell
him vicious lies about you, he will cut off ALL contact and conversation
with her until she stops doing so, and not reinitiate contact until
she does stop. But, he should not tell her this unless he is actually
ready to follow through on the warning.
RESPONSE: I Just Don't Get This
There is not a lot that YOU can do. I understand that your DH works
for FIL, correct? If so, some tough choices have to be made by
DH. Is working with his dad worth losing his marriage? The bottom
line is that DH needs to put his foot down (MIL's throat!!! LOL).
Maybe if he told MIL and FIL that he won't be working for them any
more because of the way that you are treated and the things that
they say about you, they will see the light. If DH does this, be
sure to have a job for him to go to. Personally, I think that that
when your income is tied to your family or IL's business, it's a
huge control factor. They know exactly how much you make, they
decide what you make, they decide what (if any) raise you will get,
etc. Way too much information!
RESPONSE: I Just Don't Get This
Your MIL is a jealous, possessive woman, period! I have had a similar
situation in the ten years that I've been married. The solution
to your problem rests squarely on the shoulders of DH. He must
stand up to his mother and tell her that YOU are number ONE in his
life. He must tell her that if she cannot treat you with respect,
you both will limit contact with her. You may not ever get along,
but at least keep things cordial. Remember, it's her problem.
Don't make it yours. Limit your contact for now, and don't dwell
on her behavior. Don't try to analyze it. When you do visit her,
always be nice, dress well, and don't stoop to her level. Take
the high road. I've done this to my MIL and it bugs the sh!t out
of her. It's a beautiful thing.
RESPONSE: I Just Don't Get This
Why do you go over there at all? You don't have to. Family or
no family, you never have to kiss a woman's @ss like that, especially
one who tried to punch you, and talks about you behind your back.
Are you kidding me? She wouldn't have the pleasure of seeing my
face. DH also needs to grow a pair, and tell his mother to shut
her friggin' mouth about you. It's his job as your DH to defend
you and not let you receive the brunt of his family's abuse. He
needs to respect you as a DH by sticking up for you. My DH would
have knocked his mother on her @Ss if she ever took a swing at me
while I was leaving from an argument. I, his wife and the mother
of his children, damn right!!!!!!
RESPONSE: I Just Don't Get This
I haven't been married as long as you have, but I've got similar
problems about the MIL being critical, except she's critical about
everything (especially her SIL and DILs). What I wanted to know
is whether DH stands up for you? You mentioned that he tries to
limit conversations and such, but does he actually stand up to her
and say that he's not going to listen to that type of stuff? Does
he threaten to stop coming over that often if she can't control
what she has to say? I've found that DH is not very good at doing
that (and I'm so hoping that will change!). His brother is a little
better at it, and I've noticed that seems to help him and his wife
in dealing with the MIL.
I enjoy reading the stories
on this web site because they make me feel less alone. I married
my husband 9 years ago, after we had been together for 6 years.
So, I've been involved in this close family all that time.
Before we lived together, 10 years ago, I spent many long weekends
with my husband and his mother at her home. She was very generous
to let me have these prolonged visits, and I feel that we got to
know each other very well because of this. My husband's father
died 30 years ago, when he was a young teenager. I know that
much of the work around the father's illness and death was done
by my husband. His older brother was "away at college"
and had a young wife and a small baby at the time. So, during
this entire courtship, I had very little contact with the other
DIL, BIL and their three children. When I showed up, the kids
were 14, 12 and 9 years old. We bought land about 1/8 of a
mile from brother's home, and it took us a year to build our house.
SIL kept her distance, and only came to see the construction project
once in all that time. We were told that because of our "satanic
and wrong lifestyle" we were not to have contact with her children.
We smoked, drank alcohol, and were "living in sin."
SIL also has attack dogs that will bite you if you try to visit.
We were only invited to their home for holidays when the MIL was
invited (only for "gift-giving events" for the kids).
OK, that was fine with me. Their loss. The first Thanksgiving
I found that the SIL had invited her sister and her husband to my
MIL's house. Fine. I made a little joke to the sister's
kids, who were just a little younger than the other kids.
"You are the littlest ones, hope you'll be good!"
I meant no harm by this. Apparently, this caused the sister
to be pissed off and say "I'll never go to another holiday
event that SHE is at." I just found this out recently.
I think that these people are nuts. We had an 18-month engagement,
and we got married in MIL's church, which made her very happy.
I did many things that I feel are archaic and old fashioned so that
the "family traditions" would be upheld. I figured
that it didn't hurt me to do this, so it was worth it. We
invited my BIL and SIL to stand up for us in the honored sponsor
role. I invited both of their daughters to be bridesmaids.
I had young mothers, new college graduates, and these teenagers
as bridesmaids, no one had money. I picked out a $35 pastel
garden party type of short dress for the bridesmaids to wear.
I said, "Pick out the color that you look good in."
There were no "rules" about how the bridesmaids had to
be accessorized, etc. I just don't care about that stuff,
it isn't as important as a MARRIAGE!!! I called my SIL to
ask her if the girls liked the dresses. They had already seen
them because they were ordered out of a mail order catalog.
SIL said, "They are simply unacceptable. We will have
to go shopping to get something more suitable." I said,
"That is not going to happen. It is my decision."
This conversation deteriorated with me saying, "Shut up,"
and her saying, "I'm from a dysfunctional family. You
can't tell me to shut up," and then she hung up on me.
I later called the oldest daughter to ask if her mom was OK.
Her answer, "No, sometimes mommy doesn't take her estrogen
pills and she gets a little moody." OK. My brother's
wife arranged a bridesmaids' tea party at her home. My SIL
wanted to go, but she was not invited. She was not a bridesmaid.
She was also unable to be supportive. I was lobbied by MIL
and her granddaughters, but I didn't find any need to have SIL there.
One of SIL's granddaughters skipped the tea party. Later,
this same kid came to our house sobbing, her mother made her come
over. Her high school graduation was the day before the wedding,
and if she was in the wedding, she would miss the senior trip on
a riverboat. No problem. I said, "You are only
18 once. Go on the trip and you can watch the wedding video
later." Later, I found out that SIL was not permitted
to get married in MIL's church after they confessed a premarital
pregnancy. It explains some of the weird jealousy, etc.
Now, many year later my elderly MIL has just moved into the older
brother's house down the road. They had a giant remodeling
job done on their small cottage, and now it looks like an expensive
Tudor mansion from England. MIL is quite crafty. She
has been neglected for years, and has spent holidays with us because
the others were always "out of town". Meanwhile,
MIL had bought food for BIL's family because they were so "poor
and needy" for years, and has helped put their children through
college. And, this meant that she was living on bread and
water, practically. I guess all those donations and canned
goods weren't free, because the old lady took BIL and SIL seriously
when they said that she could come and live with them in the future
if her house got to be too much for her. They only said it
to "appear nice", and they were shocked that she said,
in front of DIL's sister and husband, that she would be moving in
there soon when the construction was done. We had a family
meeting in November. SIL said, "I will not be taking
MIL to her doctor's visits, and I will not be cooking her any meals."
This horrified me. MIL is 85, and has diabetes and heart problems,
meaning that she needs to eat often, and can't have sugar, fats,
or salt. SIL was absent when we (husband, husband's pitiful
older brother, and me) moved MIL into the house. This had
been delayed for months because SIL insisted that MIL's TWIN BED
would not fit into the room that had been remodeled for MIL.
The idea was that 85 year old arthritic, frail MIL could sleep on
a futon or daybed, so it didn't really look like this was her BEDROOM
(message: Please DIE SOON!). When we moved her in, not
only was SIL missing in action (what a NICE welcome!), but the room
was full of old window shades, not clean, and the nifty built-in
drawers were full of mouse droppings and old paintbrushes, nice!
Well, now it is a month later, and although I worry about MIL's
safety a little bit, she looks 10 years younger, is sleeping well
at night, and is happy with the little attention that she is getting.
It has been a tough adjustment. We went shopping for the new
mattress that MIL had been asking for since January. It was
the one that we couldn't buy in April because, "The bed wouldn't
fit in the room." It was being delivered on Tuesday.
Now it was Monday night. On Saturday, after taking MIL to
the city and purchasing the new mattress, we called BIL's house
and relayed this message to a 25 year old son of the family, "The
mattress is being delivered on Tuesday. If this is inconvenient,
please call us back ASAP so we can do something else."
No one called us back. I was over there delivering food to
MIL on Monday night. As I was leaving, I said, "I wanted
to come over to make sure that you got the message about the mattress
being delivered tomorrow, since you didn't call us back."
The people stood there like idiots. SIL said, "Well,
I'll be out of town." BIL said, "I can't be here."
SIL said, "MIL doesn't feel comfortable having it delivered
if she is here alone." I said, "OK, I was worried
that you would not get the message." I'll call the furniture
store and try to get it delivered another time. But, I was
completely pissed off. I did raise my voice. How shocking!
I went home, called my husband, and let him know that they did not
get the message from the nephew. I told him that it can't
be delivered tomorrow, and asked him, "What should we do?".
He was mad, and called his nephew to find out if he did give the
parents the message. Nephew then called his mommy, all upset,
"What did I do wrong?" DH solved the mattress problem.
He had it delivered to our house. Then, he took it to his
mother later. Meanwhile, I have hurt the nephew's feelings,
because I LIED when I said that he did not give the telephone message.
This turned into WWIII. I ended up with SIL and her husband
in my house for 4 hours. SIL has a 10 page handwritten list
of grievances that she read out loud to me. She also quoted
the Bible. Yes, I actually read the Book myself! I am
not perfect, but I am less narcissistic, paranoid and crazy than
SIL. So, I decided to take it all like a man. I did
not talk back. I didn't bring up how I have been hurt.
I didn't say, "You are a sick bunch of people with alcoholism,
domestic violence and other secrets that caused it to be necessary
for you to teach your children to disrespect their uncle and dislike
me as the way to keep your image bright, and your secrets safe within
the sicko insular family." This way, I figured that the
lines of communication can be kept open so that DH can monitor his
mother's health and welfare as long as she lives over there.
DH was "disappointed" in me for not defending myself,
but I figure "why bother". The list contained a
set of complaints about how I had ruined every holiday, every child's
birthday, every child's graduation, and every family event for the
past 15 years. Gee, now I can stop giving gifts to the ungrateful
"children" who cannot even wish their uncle "Happy
Birthday" once a year! Interestingly, the SIL and her
husband actually said that there had never been ANY PROBLEMS in
the family until I married my husband. Then, they said that
we failed to help them with their marital difficulties, the SECRET
ONES that they never told us about! My SIL called my house
3x a week for years looking for her husband. He was NEVER
HERE. When that became tiresome, she had the children call
looking for their daddy. I came to find out that he was out
drinking and driving. But, when I said that it wasn't my problem,
and the calls were intrusive, SIL said that she found nothing wrong
with calling over here looking for her husband. She has also
come over here to tell us that her husband has a drinking problem,
and that it is our fault because we encourage him to drink, or maybe
we even do it with him. And she will not allow him to visit
us because we drink. HUH!? Well, we do drink ourselves,
but he's never here. And, by the way, if her 46 year old husband
has a drinking problem, then maybe she should go home and talk to
him about it. She came over another time to let us know that
a criminal was stalking her, came into the house at night (he made
it past the biting attack dogs!) and stole her and her daughters'
undergarments. She said that the house was going to be audio
and video monitored by the state cops. Right. Another
time SIL and BIL decided not to attend MIL's brother's funeral.
They were going to the beach instead. I told MIL that they
were not planning to be there, so she should not wait for them.
OH ,BIG MISTAKE. Then, they came to the house to let me know
that SIL has a direct line to the lord and he tells her how to live.
OK. I could go on and on, but it would turn into a whacko
10 page complaint list. By the way, nothing was solved by
my letting them come and vent over here. One of the grown
daughters, who is about 26 years old, has written her uncle, my
husband, a nasty e-mail. In it she said, "I know that
she's your wife, but I want you to make her apologize to me the
way she did to my mom and dad." I went re-ballistic when
he told me this, and we had a big argument. Nothing that DH
or I have done has been appreciated, and these family members have
added nothing of value to our lives. This same kid got pregnant
and married quickly. She came over to specifically let us
know that we were not invited to her wedding (because I hate you).
I said, "You have some adult work to do. You have to
give birth to a healthy baby in 3 months. You have to initiate
a marriage. This is much more important than who is/isn't
invited to a party." When her uncle called to congratulate
her on her baby's birth, his call went unreturned. The baby
was born in August. We met the baby in November, just in time
to get the Christmas gifts. The new mother's godmother has
not met the new baby either. I have recently found out that
this same girl is expecting a second baby. Her first child
is 11 months old. No problem. MIL will bail the young
couple out if they need her help. After all, that's what keeps
her alive. I'm glad that I can post here, because if I complain
about my crazy, nasty ILs anymore, it will wreck my marriage.
Signed - Troubled Troublemaker
for In Laws/Lightening Rod
RESPONSE: Troubled Troublemaker for In Laws/Lightening
Rod
Holy moly!!! Good luck, and may God bless you and DH's souls and
lives.
RESPONSE: Troubled Troublemaker for In Laws/Lightening
Rod
That story is horrible! Your SIL is a psycho b!tch! Stay as far
away from her as you can!
RESPONSE: Troubled Troublemaker for In Laws/Lightening
Rod
Your SIL also sounds like one of those people who can't handle life,
and blames all of her issues on the devil or other people. But,
the truth is that it's really just due to her and DH's inability
to be adults and accept responsibility for their own actions. That's
right. It's always the devil.
Note: To better handle the volume of submissions - stories
and responses received will be posted as early as our resources will
allow. Responses to new stories will be accumulated, and then
posted, all at once, to the original story page at a later date (generally,
one set of responses will be posted per day).
DISCLAIMER: All advice on this website is for informational
and entertainment purposes only. All responses are from reader submissions
unless specifically noted otherwise (such as Dr. Terri Apter advice page).
We do not endorse any of the advice. We provide it to you as a service.
We can neither guarantee the soundness of the advice, nor make any claims
as to the outcome of following this advice. We provide it for your
entertainment only. Should you choose to follow any of the advice,
it is solely at your own risk. This is not intended to substitute
for obtaining advice from appropriate sources and/or professional counseling.
We recommend you consult an appropriate professional, counselor, and/or
a trusted advisor before taking any action based on this advice.
B A Squared, LLC and www.motherinlawstories.com make no representations or
guarantees regarding any information dispensed on this site.
Your privacy is important to us. Click here to view our
Privacy Policy.
