My MIL has butted into our lives
since we got married. My husband has a child from a previous
marriage, and I have 2. It's hard enough trying to get the
kids to get along, but dealing with my MIL is quite another thing.
AND, I HAVE HAD QUITE ENOUGH OF DEALING WITH HER!!!!!! Last
year, she told me that my baby should never have been born, and
that, for whatever reason she's here, she's here. This child
is her granddaughter. What kind of person could say something
so cruel? Then, to top it off, she said that she never said
it. Many things have happened with my MIL this past year.
She's always right, and I'm always wrong regarding the kids.
The doctors, the dentist, etc., are wrong, but she is always right.
I haven't really been talking to her these past months and I haven't
allowed her to see my baby because of her behavior. Well,
tonight my MIL told my stepdaughter that she was coming over to
bring the baby her birthday gift, and that she wanted my stepdaughter
to come outside and meet her, and then give the gift to me.
I told my daughter to tell her that I won't accept the gift.
I don't want to be two-faced. Of course, my MIL had a bunch
of things to say to my stepdaughter. I felt bad, so I called
to say, "I'm sorry, I should have accepted the gift for the
baby." Well, she hung up on me. I did call back
and her sister answered the phone. She started swearing
at me and called me nasty names. And, then she hung up.
I did call back again and tried to talk to my MIL, and of course
she was nasty, as usual. She said that she wouldn't accept
my apology. I also said that I wanted to work things out
with her, and I offered to have a meeting with us and our husbands,
but she said no. She said that the only way she would do
it was through a therapist, so I said, "Yes," I would
go to one with her. Then she said, "No, I'm not going."
Well, what is it then? She then said that she was calling
Social Services on me. I said, "Do what you have to
do." Why, I don't know. My kids are taken care
of very well. Then she told me that it was my fault that
I got pregnant, and that I trapped her son into getting married.
I don't think so!!!!!! She told me that she always treats
me nicely. Well, sometimes she does, but most of the time
she's just plain out mean. She's called her own granddaughter
"stupid", "dumb", "retard", and
so on. Ohhhh, really nice. I told my husband that
he needs to address his mom on her behavior. He says that
she's wrong in what she says and does, but he has yet to address
her. He just avoids her, and you can see where that has
gotten me. I've tried to be nice and compromise with my
MIL, but I feel as if she doesn't want my marriage to work out
so that she can have her son and granddaughter back at her house,
and she can be in control of them again. I don't know how
much more I can take!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Signed - HAD QUITE
ENOUGH
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It is sad to say, but
even the passage of time doesn't make things better. I've
been married for 26 years, and my SIL has been married (to my DH's
brother) for 30 years. MIL still doesn't accept us.
We'll never be good enough for her sons. One thing that helps
me cope is that I have come to realize that MIL is a lonely, bitter
woman with absolutely no self-esteem. It's not really me personally
that she doesn't like, it's what I represent - the fact that her
"little boy" grew up, left home, and doesn't need HER
anymore. Thank goodness I have a VERY supportive husband,
and my main tactic for handing her is AVOIDANCE. We live a
quarter mile away from her, and I almost never go over to her house.
Why invite abuse and criticism? Life is so peaceful without
her! The only thing is that I'm afraid she'll outlive me!
She's 78 years old and still in good health.
Signed - They Grow Older,
But Not Wiser
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
Inconsiderate BIL.
I had a bridal shower to host, so my fiancé had asked his
mother to watch our daughter for the day. I didn't understand
why, because my fiancé was going to be home all day, but
I figured that it was fine. When I got home, his brother dropped
her off. After he left, my fiancé told me that his
brother said that he had taken her out of state with him.
I flipped out. He did not have permission to take my 5 month
old daughter anywhere. I guess that he feels he can do whatever
he wants with her without asking us. What do I do to stop
this??
Signed - Inconsiderate
BIL
RESPONSE: Inconsiderate BIL
The problem isn't with your BIL, it's your DF!!! Why wouldn't he
even watch his own daughter?
RESPONSE: Inconsiderate BIL
Do not let him baby-sit anymore! That's the ONLY way to stop it!!!
RESPONSE: Inconsiderate BIL
I missed the part where it was your BIL's fault? DH knew, and if
you have to ask what you can do to stop it, you are a bad mother.
RESPONSE: Inconsiderate BIL
You can stop it by not leaving your baby with them - ever.
RESPONSE: Inconsiderate BIL
Fix the real problem, which is with DF. Why couldn't he watch her
himself?
RESPONSE: Inconsiderate BIL
The solution is extremely simple. Don't ask them to watch your
child.
RESPONSE: Inconsiderate BIL
Your FH is irresponsible. You did not say so, but I'm assuming
that there must have been a good reason why FDH could not watch
his own daughter for a few hours. FDH passed along his responsibility
to someone else, and I'm guessing that he did not say anything about
how DD was to be cared for. In the future, you should make the
arrangements for any childcare, and spell out explicitly what you
expect from the person watching your DD.
RESPONSE: Inconsiderate BIL
NEVER LEAVE YOUR CHILD WITH ANYONE FROM YOUR DF'S FAMILY EVER AGAIN!!!!
Your MIL and BIL have clearly proven that they cannot be trusted.
I hope that you AND your DF really laid into MIL on this. Good
luck to you in dealing with this family. You're going to need it.
RESPONSE: Inconsiderate BIL
The inconsiderate one is not BIL, but DF. He sounds incapable of
taking responsibility for his own child, and he busily palms her
off onto whatever relative might be available so that he can laze
around. I think that it's actually creepy that BIL had your DD
for the day. That would bother me.
Citrus Dilemma.
I have always heard that when you had a baby, your mother would
butt in and tell you how to do everything, and tell you that you
were doing things wrong. That is not the case here.
My mother is great. She listens to everything that I say regarding
my daughter. However, that it is not the case with my FMIL.
For a while, my fiancé's family would watch our daughter
while we were at work. One day, I came to pick her up, and
my fiancé's brother told me that my daughter had her first
taste of an orange that day. Bear in mind that my daughter
was only 3 months old. I said, "What? You didn't
really give her an orange, did you?!" Then my FMIL said,
"No." So, when I got home, I told my fiancé
We have made an agreement that we should both know anything having
to do with our daughter. He called his mother and she told
him "no" also. Then, when his brother got on the
phone, he told me that they put it in her mouth and she bit down
on it, but she didn't eat it. The way I look at it, she consumed
some of it. My daughter wasn't even eating cereal yet, and
they were doing that! A couple of days ago, the FILs were
over and I had given my FMIL a lemonade. She was holding my
daughter, who is now 6 months old, and my FFIL was playing with
her. I had my head turned for a moment and I heard my FFIL
laughing and saying, "Look at her face!" And my
FMIL said, "That's because it's sour! Look at her wiping
her mouth!" I quickly realized that they were giving
her the lemonade, and told them not to do so. They ignored
me. However, they did put the lemonade down. I told
them that my daughter was slowly going through the baby foods to
detect allergies (this is the 2nd time that I have told them this),
and that she was not to have any other food or drinks. Later
on, after they left, my fiancé called me from work and I
told him what had happened. He called his parents to ask them
something, and they told him about the funny faces that she had
been making from the lemonade. He then said, "You didn't
give her any, did you?" My FMIL said, "Oh no."
I cannot believe that she lied to him, especially after I was there
to witness the lemonade sampling myself! I don't know what
to do. I try to keep my mouth shut, because I don't want to
cause any problems, but I can't make this stop! What should
I do?
Signed - Soured Out
RESPONSE: Soured Out
There is a simple solution here - do not leave your child with them!!!
RESPONSE: Soured Out
You need to chill out! These are not big issues. If this sort
of thing bothers you, you are in for a rude awakening!
RESPONSE: Soured Out
Don't allow them to hold your DD, and certainly don't let them provide
childcare. They sound irresponsible, and don't follow your wishes.
Would you leave DD with a baby-sitter that did whatever she wanted
with your kid?
RESPONSE: Soured Out
Sorry that you will not like this response, but you are the mother,
and you have to put your foot down. Your ILs should not be allowed
to see your DD until (1) they apologize to you for ignoring your
wishes. (2) They apologize to their OWN SON for LYING to him about
HIS CHILD. Why didn't DH push further with his mom? You and DH
need to be a united front on this, and DH needs to back you up more.
Even if you do get an apology, you AND DH should be with your DD
when visiting the ILs from now on. Your ILs cannot be trusted with
your child, since they refuse to comply with what you want. Good
luck!
RESPONSE: Soured Out
Do not leave your child alone with the FILs. When FILs visit, supervise
the visits diligently. If FILs do anything against your expressed
wishes, tell them that the visit is over, and show them to the door
immediately. Do not allow them to deny their actions or explain
away what happened so that the visit will continue. You must consistently
give FILs a consequence and stick to it, otherwise they will only
continue to do what they want, even if it's detrimental to your
child. It's more important to protect your child than to give in
to keep
peace with the FILs.
RESPONSE: Soured Out
Find good Day Care. Your ILs "obviously" know better
than you, and will not stop doing just what they feel like doing.
RESPONSE: Soured Out
They have a sense of entitlement to your child, because you let
them take care of her so often. If they went against my wishes
once, they would never watch my child again. After the orange incident,
I would have never let them watch her again. But, after reading
both of your posts, you just keep taking her over there for more.
It's obvious that your FDH isn't going to do anything about this,
so you need to grow a pair and stand up for your child! Don't let
these people be around her anymore! They don't respect you or your
rules, so they shouldn't get the privilege of watching your child.
RESPONSE: Soured Out
Do not give them the child to baby-sit anymore! That's the ONLY
way to stop it!!! BTW, this is obviously your first child, and
I bet your BIL and SIL already have more than one. Usually, first
time parents are extra careful and extra sensitive with feeding
baby, while parents with more than one child feel more casual about
what goes into baby's mouth. While you are the mother, and your
directions should always be followed when it comes to baby, please
do not judge them too harshly. Yes, they are callous and rude,
but I don't think that the taste of an orange or lemonade will ruin
baby for life. And I don't think that citrus fruits are high on
the allergen list for little ones, either (not like strawberries
or peanut foods).
RESPONSE: Soured Out
Why do you allow your ILs to spend so much unsupervised time around
DD if they refuse to recognize your boundaries? It's pretty simple.
If they persist in trying to give your child unsuitable things to
eat, then they don't get time with her. What if she had a peanut
allergy and MIL fed her peanuts?
RESPONSE: Soured Out
Um, hello. DON'T let them hold your daughter when there's food
around. Don't leave her alone with them, ever. They're obviously
liars and shouldn't be trusted with DD if you want your rules followed.
RESPONSE: Soured Out
What should you do? Um, how about not ever leaving these @ssholes
alone with your baby, ever, ever again? I mean, really. Is it
that hard? Sorry to be so blunt. You need to stop hoping that
they'll change and start seriously protecting your kid from their
nonsense.
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