For years, my MIL has made me feel
like I am totally worthless. I never say anything to her to
take up for myself, because it is always "me" who is nuts.
LOL. She knows it all. And, after 10 years of marriage
to her son, who I adore with all my soul, I still can't live up
to her expectations of me. Oh, and the best part is that she
lives 2 houses down. Isn't that a treat? So, yes, she
is in our house every day, as she pleases, to do her daily inspection
of the house to see if it is clean. I could spend all day
sitting here typing about the way she has dominated my whole life.
But, she might be here any minute, and I had better not be sitting
here on the computer. So, if anyone else has these MIL troubles,
I am so sorry because I know how miserable they can make life.
Signed - I Will Be Free
One Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Ha, ha, ha! I brought my MIL
shopping. I really don't understand why she always whines
that nobody wants to bring her. She has 2 daughters, and I
was never good enough for her son, but I'm the one whom she will
impose upon to bring her anywhere. Well, anyway, I wanted
to buy some cloth to make some blouses, and every damn piece of
cloth was not good - color off, pattern off, material off, whatever.
She proceeded to pick 2 out for me. As I am a very patient
person and I hate quarrels, I let her be. One of the fabrics
had purple flowers and teeny orange buds. I looked on the
positive side and told myself, "Well, it's good, too, that
I have someone else's taste because my wardrobe's gonna be different
for a change." Anyway, about a week or so later we were
talking about our favorite colors, and she told me that she HATES
purple!!!!!! She said that my BIL once went overseas and bought
her a scarf with purple flowers. She said that they were just
hideous! She scoffed at his choice and taste. Sometime
later, it was my birthday and she (surprise! surprise! I've been
married for over 10 years and this is the first time she's given
me presents) so kindly gave me a present. And it was a scarf
with purple flowers!!!!! The label on it said, "Made
in Turkey".
Signed - I Wish My MIL
Would Stop @#*&ing Her Son, My DH
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I am married for the 2nd
time. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage. My MIL is
a total witch, who has hate in her heart. After being married
for 2 years, I became pregnant last fall. On the day that I
found out, I was going to call and tell her the great news.
When I came home, there was a message on our machine. On it
was my MIL's voice. She accused me of sleeping with my FIL,
and she called me every name in the book (my FIL had stayed at our
home the night before because he had come to our city to conduct business).
She was in a rage of jealousy. After the baby came, all she
would acknowledge was the baby. My other 2 sons were nobody
to her. My husband was invited to his cousin's wedding, but
since neither I nor the boys were invited, he did not go. My
MIL yelled at my husband, asking why he should care that the kids
were not invited, because, after all, they were not blood. My
husband did not speak to her for 2 months. My MIL also never
apologizes for being hateful and mean. My FIL will call us,
pleading for us to apologize to her just to make her happy.
My MIL has a drinking problem. Everywhere she goes, she carries
her gallon of vodka. She insists on being the 1st to know about
family happenings. When she finds out news from another relative,
she gets mad cause we did not tell her 1st. She never asks how
the other 2 kids are doing, it is always, "How's my grandbaby
doing?" She only wants pictures of the baby, never of the
other two. She even got an insurance policy on the baby, saying
that they did not offer insurance for the other kids. She even
made herself as beneficiary. This lady is so mean and spiteful.
She causes trouble, and every word that comes out of her mouth is
"MF" this, and "F" that. She can never hold
a decent, clean conversation without having curse words in it.
I want to talk to her so badly and ask her why she hates me and the
other 2 kids, but my husband says to say nothing because it will cause
a rift with his family members. But, I am so tired of holding
it in and acting like nothing is going on. Can anyone offer
me any advice? I need some, badly, before I call her, or worse
yet, get sick from holding it all in.
Signed - SAD
RESPONSE: SAD
Alanon!! If she really is an alcoholic, then Alanon can help you
figure out the best way to deal with her behavior. If DH won't go,
go by yourself.
RESPONSE: SAD
Do you honestly think that confronting your MIL about her behavior
WILL cause a rift with family members? They probably think that she
is as bad as you do, and are just waiting for someone to tell her
off. I really don't understand why you even want your children to
be around a foul-mouthed, deranged alcoholic. Just don't bother visiting
the woman. Talk to other family members when YOU want to. And, if
she starts phoning you up and screeching abuse at you, put the phone
down. It sounds tough, but you have to protect your family.
RESPONSE: SAD
Tell her that if she does not start getting her act together, she
will no longer have access to her "grandbaby". It has been
said a lot of times on this site that the only reason these women
act like this is because we DILs let them. You sound like a very
strong, intelligent woman. Stop letting this horrible, stupid woman
treat you and your children like cr@p.
RESPONSE: SAD
While the cousin should not have invited DH to the wedding without
you, the cousin had no obligation to invite your children, or any
others.
RESPONSE: SAD
Yep. I have some advice. CUT HER OFF. If she cannot treat the other
kids equal to the baby, then she sees NONE of them. Why your DH is
not insisting that she be cut off is beyond me. I guess he doesn't
love your other kids, either. Change your phone number, get caller
ID, and don't let her in your house. You are the mother, and it is
your responsibility to see to it that your kids are protected. Tell
DH that it is all or none.
RESPONSE: SAD
"My husband says to say nothing because it will cause a rift
with his family members." What about the MAJOR rift this is
causing in your marriage? YOU, the 3 kids and DH are HIS immediate
family now - why doesn't he see that?
RESPONSE: SAD
Tell your mama's boy to grow a pair! He needs to put you first, and
not enable mama to exist in her "status quo". If he can't
do that, I would refuse to have anything to do with her!
RESPONSE: SAD
There is nothing that can be done to someone who treats children in
that manner. I know it is deep within your soul to understand why
she would treat your children in such a manner, and to make things
better, but in the scheme of life, does it matter? Did it really
matter why Hitler was evil? Would talking to him change it? All
you can do is thank God that you are not like her, and protect all
of your children. Relative or not, you would never allow anyone to
mistreat one of your children - she is no exception. Draw the line,
no excuses, no arguments.
RESPONSE: SAD
You've got to stop letting your MIL run over you. Tell her very firmly
that there are 3 grandchildren, not 1. Blood or not, she is going
to have an impact on your 2 older children. And, why are you letting
a drunk roll around to visit? Insist that you, too, live in that
house, and that she will respect you. If you don't stop this now,
it will only get worse, and your children could very well pick up
the language that you detest. Good luck. Peace.
RESPONSE: SAD
If I were in your situation, I would have DH tell MIL that she can
treat all the kids equally, or she should not have anything to do
with any of them. You should be present for the conversation to show
that you and your DH are a united front, but DH needs to stand up
to his mum. Does your DH treat your kids like the plague? Does HE
favor HIS child over the rest? I hope not! But, he needs to tell
his mother that you and your kids are his family now and she needs
to BUTT OUT! It's very hurtful to the older kids when their "grandmother"
favors her biological grandchild. My half-sister was born when I
was 16. Before she was born, my step-dads mom treated us older kids
like her grandchildren. Then, when little sis was born, we were cast
off for her "real" granddaughter. Luckily, none of us older
kids were bothered much by this (not that we weren't bothered by it,
but we're old enough to realize it was not sis' fault - she was just
a baby!), but in younger children this breeds jealousy and hatred.
Tell MIL that you will not allow her to use your family members against
each other. I would DEFINITELY stand up to her when your kids are
affected!!!! Good luck.
Thanks to all of you who
responded on March 30 to my ongoing "Still Frustrated - Canadian
Thanksgiving". Great advice to leave MIL in the dust and
not bother with her - advice that I/we were eager and ready to follow.
However, I am writing to say that my FIL died 2 months ago, and that
our world has literally been turned upside down. I would like
to hear anyone else's story about how they dealt with the remainder
MIL, who is WORSE THAN EVER. I never realized how much my quiet,
affectionate FIL curbed her behavior, until now. It was a sudden,
massive heart attack that has left my DH with a huge hole in his own
heart. His father was the only parent who ever cared about him
(and me) and who took an interest in our lives. MIL is now out
of control. She has canonized a husband whom she hasn't slept
in the same bed with or had a loving relationship with for over 28
years. She only talked to him to nag or complain. He even
said so himself. He once told me that the only saving grace
in his marriage was the fact he started to lose his hearing.
He was only half joking. I have never heard her say a nice thing
about him when he was alive, but now, she goes on like he was a saint.
FIL was a special man, but she never saw it. The day he died,
right at the hospital, she went deep into the regrets of all the terrible
things that she has ever said about him and how she never meant it.
DH and I just stared at her with cold, dark eyes and I wanted to say,
"It looks good on you now. Let this be a lesson, to appreciate
someone when they are alive to hear it." DH and I were
disgusted. I cannot believe all of the people whom she has feeling
sorry for her now. Her hairdresser's son cleaned out her garage
for her the other day! Her powers of persuasion and "pity
me" would pull in a stranger off the street to help her.
It amazes me. Unfortunately, there was no money to be had of
any kind, but she is managing to work herself into debt. There
was no money for a funeral, save for the government subsidy that she
received, and what my DH and I provided for a memorial service, and
a reception for 70 people back at our house. It was our pleasure.
At the memorial, after my family made all the food and came from out
of town, she turned to me and said, "Certainly is a lot of starch
here, you know that I can't eat starches." How do you scream
at MIL at her husband's memorial service??? I just walked away.
She uses my FIL's material possessions (tools, the truck, etc.) as
a way to get people to do things for her. My DH told her that
he has already received the only two things that he has ever wanted
from his father - his love and respect. Of course, this comment
sent MIL off into a tantrum of crying about how much she misses him.
Very, very pathetic. My DH told her that he is sad and she said,
"Well, so am I!" My DH said that he can't believe
that even grieving has become a competition. I was very sympathetic
to MIL after FIL died and did everything that I (and DH) could for
her, with the help of my family. She is alone, but totally capable
of managing and having a good life. She just chooses not to.
She has another son who is good for nothing. He had his hand
out the day that FIL died. As far as DH and I are concerned,
she'll have to move in with her other son when she is broke, because
she would never live with us. My problem is that whenever I
have a comeback for one of her snide remarks, she cries. Then
she tells me, "You know that I just lost my husband!"
For how long is this going to go on? And, did any of you deal
with this, and how did you do it?
Signed - Canadian Thanksgiving
Still Frustrated - Took A Turn of Events
RESPONSE: Canadian Thanksgiving Still Frustrated
Eventually, enough is enough. When you finally get too tired, and
don't want to hear one more chorus of, "You know that I just
lost my husband!", ask her, "How long are you going to milk
this?"
RESPONSE: Canadian Thanksgiving Still Frustrated
Do we have the same MIL (I'm also from Canada)? My MIL constantly
uses my wonderful FIL's death in vain. Like you, my FIL was the only
one who actually loved me in their family (with the exception of DH,
of course). It drives me crazy, because she will often stare at his
picture and curse him (no joke). Yet, in the face of others, she
puts on a wonderful sob story. It drives both me and DH crazy, but
all we can do is bite our tongues and tune her out. She constantly
nags DH, saying that he doesn't truly love his father, he doesn't
visit the cemetery enough, blah, blah, blah. One day, DH just exploded,
and told her that he didn't need to put on a front to prove his love
for his father. I forced myself to stay out of it, which worked for
the best. She just wants attention. I would just tune her out and
look the other way. Or, you can always just push her off the CN Tower!
RESPONSE: Canadian Thanksgiving Still Frustrated
Time to move to another state!!! Let the old "dear" go
live with the other son. And you mentioned something at the end of
your post about her saying, "My husband just died," and
you wondered how long she will go on using this line to get sympathy,
etc. I've got an aunt who is still crying and wailing over her husband's
death, and he's been dead 10 years now. And, she still uses his death
for the guilt value. She says things like, "Oh well, I am all
alone now, you know. I have to rely on myself now that DH is gone."
Get over it. Sorry if I sound harsh, but you can't be doing the "newly
widowed" feel sorry for me thing when he died 10 years ago.
So, watch out that your MIL doesn't play on this for the rest of her
life!
RESPONSE: Canadian Thanksgiving Still Frustrated
My MIL was similar to yours after the death of her DH, monopolizing
my DH's attention all the time, insisting on turning all of the attention
in a room onto herself, and basically bringing down any happy occasion.
The capper was one day when she held a chili dinner - the commanded
attendance variety, on a Sunday after church. We dutifully attended,
but excused ourselves after a couple of hours. Being young marrieds,
we were, ahem, busy in the bedroom a few hours later when the doorbell
just rang and rang and rang. You guessed it, it was the MIL there
to chew us out for not staying longer. She finally noticed my DH
standing in his robe, and said, "Oh, am I interrupting something?"
Then, she said that we shouldn't be doing that, because she couldn't
anymore! LOL! We were supposed to become celibate because she was
at age 73? Give me a break!!!!!
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