Frequent
Fry Her TM
- noruby4me /Posted: 3-OCT-03
My DH just had another scary childhood memory.
We were with friends who were talking about some neighbors of theirs
who seem to neglect their children, letting them run noisily and
destructively into the yards of other people on the block without
reprimanding them, habitually "forgetting" to pick them
up after school, etc. Suddenly the color drained from DH's
face. He told me that hearing this story was making him feel
anxious, and then he realized why. When he was about 5 or
6 and starting school, his younger sister was about 4 and his baby
brother was maybe 18 months. Apparently, his mother would
leave baby BIL in the crib, alone in the house, ushering little
SIL into the car to go pick up DH from school. When they would
come home, baby BIL would be crying frantically in the crib.
Surely that poor baby realized that he was alone in the house for
half an hour or so every day! I can only imagine that he might
have cried himself sick and choked on his own vomit, or climbed
or fallen out of the crib and gotten out of the house or into something
dangerous inside it. I shudder to think about it. This
must have traumatized my DH to some extent, given the way it affected
him just to remember it now, nearly 40 years later. There
is no question that today, my MIL would be in jail for some of her
parenting deficiencies. FIL was little or no better.
He left their home, and they divorced when the kids were young.
He was dutiful about weekend visits with the kids, to his enormous
credit, but he knew that those children were not in safe hands with
his ex, my MIL, and he managed to drop them off at the end of the
weekend and leave those three kids to a woman whom he knew was not
always adequately well-equipped to handle their basic safety and
well-being. He has admitted, in recent years, that he had
concerns about their safety and considered trying to take them in,
but he was afraid that it would completely unhinge MIL. So,
the kids had to suffer. The sad thing is that neither my MIL
nor my FIL are "bad" people, and they certainly never
meant any harm to their children. They were the victims of
their own childhoods. Sigh. There is no question that
MIL and FIL still periodically do and say enough misguided, unwittingly
damaging things here in the present that I don't need to be worrying
about what they did to DH many years ago. I hate finding myself
dwelling on the past, and here it's not even my own past, but DH's
that I'm stewing over! I see how this all has affected DH
even now. I feel that it has hurt our family, and I feel angry.
I want to let it go, and I think it's important that DH and I both
let it go so that DH can heal and get past these experiences, but
we seemed trapped sometimes in the damage caused by so much "benign
neglect". Yes, we both have counselors; I guess it just
takes time, true commitment and HARD WORK.
Signed - Wants To Move
On
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Worst gift: My MIL sent
me an exercise machine for the thighs. I am 7 months pregnant.
Signed - Up 2 Here
Per
the poster's request, no responses collected.
I read this site religiously,
but I don't think I've ever posted before. I really need some
advice. This concerns my SIL and BIL and their two wonderful
children. Several years, ago SIL left her excellent job to become
a stay-at-home mom, as God directed her. Her husband, with very
limited skills and earning potential, made a great stay-at-home dad,
but had to reenter the workforce with health issues, and even now
he has a very rudimentary job with poor pay. They live a very
Spartan lifestyle to support their religious beliefs. There
is nothing wrong with that. HOWEVER, their kids always come
dead last. So, I've made a real effort to buy fun stuff for
them for holidays, birthdays, etc. I love to do it, and the
parents have never objected. I've yet to receive a thank-you
note, but I consider that a failure on the part of SIL and BIL, not
the young kids. So, here's my dilemma. Last Christmas
I purchased a very inexpensive 13" TV/VCR for each child at a
major discount chain store. The kids have to compete with BIL
for any TV time, and they always lose. I verified ahead of time
that the gifts were fine with BIL and SIL. Within a couple of
months, my niece mentioned to my daughter that her TV had "frozen
up" and had to be thrown away. What? Why not return
it? And has anyone ever heard of a TV "freezing up"?
Within 6 months, my nephew told us that his TV had to be sold because
BIL and SIL needed money. What could one possibly get for a
used, 13" cheap TV? Meanwhile, SIL has maintained internet
access, and has lots of varied computer equipment that she uses to
do projects for her church. BIL still goes hunting when he likes.
I can't change the adults, but I still want to do nice things for
niece and nephew. How can I gift them without BIL and SIL getting
their paws on what was intended for the children? I'm afraid
that cash, gift cards, and any gift of any value at all would end
up in the wrong hands! Please, please help me out here.
What would you do?
Signed - It Was For The
Kids!!!
RESPONSE: It Was For The Kids!!!
Can you give the kids gifts of time, instead of items that their parents
can snatch away from them? I am afraid that I don't buy your SIL
and BIL's "religious" lifestyle one little bit. What kind
of religion is it where only the kids are deprived of material things,
while mum and dad get to keep their Internet access, expensive computer
stuff and hunting stuff? Taking and selling the kids' presents for
money is lower than low. Rather than buying the kids presents, why
not arrange to take them for great days out, to zoos, theme parks,
museums, whatever, and make sure that they have memories to treasure.
Their parents can't steal THOSE away.
RESPONSE: It Was For The Kids!!!
They are nutty for saying "yes" to a gift that they apparently
didn't want. But you need to know that not wanting a TV is a very
healthy thing! I would never want you to give my kids television
sets as gifts. If I had no choice in the matter, and you gave them
anyway, the TVs would become planters or fishbowls, or they would
be given to charity within days. Television is not good for kids.
Period. You don't have to take my word for it - look it up for yourself.
There is a ton of published research available on the web.
RESPONSE: It Was For The Kids!!!
You didn't say whether the kids live nearby. My suggestion is to
stop giving the kids "things". Give them time: A certificate
good for a weekend/a day/an evening, etc., with aunt and uncle. Take
them to the movies/a performance/a sporting event. Hang out and play
board games/rent a movie/make cookies together. This is what my brother
starting doing, when he was a penniless college student, for my son,
and it was the best gift ever. In fact, it's still the gift of choice
over 20 years later, and has extended to my daughter. Ask my kids
what the other relatives gave them for birthdays and holidays, and
they have a hard time remembering. Ask them what uncle (and now auntie,
too) gave them, and they light up remembering it all. The date(s)
can be flexible. And, if you live far away, you can make it a mini
vacation for the kids. Making these children the center of your attention
for just one day is probably the best gift that you can give them.
Been there.
RESPONSE: It Was For The Kids!!!
Talk to a financial advisor. There are ways of setting up things
like trust funds, Section 529 plans (college expenses), etc., where
the accounts are for the child as a beneficiary, but you are the owner.
The parents can then not get their hands on the money. Especially
think about establishing a Section 529 account for them that you contribute
to. If the child decides not to go to college, you can get all the
principal money back (on most accounts). You can also transfer the
money to another child, if something happens to the original recipient.
RESPONSE: It Was For The Kids!!!
Could you maybe buy them a few toys each Christmas, or for their birthdays,
and start a savings account for them in their name and yours? That
way, the parents can't touch it, and when they can get away from their
parents, they will have a little cash (thanks to their wonderful-should
have been their parents-aunt and uncle)?
RESPONSE: It Was For The Kids!!!
DH and I were in a similar situation. My SIL was on welfare and could
still afford expensive athletic pants while her daughter's sandals
were worn through. We went shopping with the daughter, and got her
everything that she needed for going back to school. It remains the
only time that she has ever had nice back to school clothes. My SIL
buys discount jogging pants and t-shirts for her to wear. For Christmas,
take your niece and nephew out to lunch and shopping for a few nice
things that can't be sold. And, make it known (without being taken
advantage of) that if there is anything needed, they can come to you.
RESPONSE: It Was For The Kids!!!
My parents did the same thing. I could only wish that it was religion
based. Any reason would have been a comfort. When my uncle, who
owned a TV repair shop, found out that the used black-and-white TV
he gave me was gone, he must've told the rest of the family, because,
from then on, I got new clothes (with all the tags removed). I got
fun, but personal stuff (movie themed towels and sheets, again, out
of packaging), and toys with the boxes open, missing, or damaged -
just enough so that the stores wouldn't take them back. Or, they'd
tell my folks, "We bought it for our daughter, but she didn't
like it. Maybe yours will," with a wink to me (the item was
invariably brand new). Even at 10 years old, I knew what they were
doing for me, and I really appreciated it. It bewildered my bizarre
parents, though, that no one ever remembered when or from where they
bought me something, or why I got so much damaged/"used"
stuff! My folks weren't hurting for money, and it's not like my stuff
was used to buy food. They just decided (after previously approving
the gift) that they didn't want me to have it anymore, for whatever
reason, and out it went. Maybe a "day with auntie" could
include some shopping for the kids if you slant it as, "I want
to give you some adult time to yourselves," to their parents.
Make it a done deal by removing tags, etc. The important thing is
that they get time with you, enough to know that not everybody has
to give up their presents at their folks' whims. I used the towel
until it was past being a rag, because it meant that somebody loved
me enough to fib so that I could keep it.
RESPONSE: It Was For The Kids!!!
Give the kids gifts that they will be able to enjoy/appreciate now.
Things that will help them to feel that they "fit in" with
other kids - games, jewelry, clothes - but nothing too expensive.
AND, put a little bit of money away every Xmas and birthday for each
kid (DON'T EVER tell the kids or their parents that you are doing
it). Give the money to the kids when they are adults (going to college,
planning a wedding, getting an apartment, etc.), and let them know
that you have always cared for them. If the parents are so wrapped
up in church and themselves, they won't be planning for the kids'
future. My ex took every monetary gift ever given to the kids. He
returned their gifts to stores, kept the money that he got, and bought
things for himself. He even tried to take the girls' toys and give
them to someone else's kids because, "Those kids really like
these." And, he said that he told them that he would get them
that item, and he didn't want to look bad. He cared more about how
he appeared to other people than he cared about his own kids. Your
SIL and BIL sound the same way.
RESPONSE: It Was For The Kids!!!
Do things with them that are fun. Things that their parents obviously
don't do (movies, sports events, eating out). Just spending time
with them doing stuff like playing games, going for walks, etc., can
make a huge difference in their lives! I'd make sure to talk with
the parents first, or you may find yourself cut off from them completely
if you do something with them that's against what they believe in.
And, BTW, I think that you're a wonderful aunt to be thinking about
your niece and nephew!
RESPONSE: It Was For The Kids!!!
Perhaps the best thing that you can do is to put the money that you
would spend on gifts into trust accounts for the child. This wouldn't
be enough to send them to college, of course, but it may give them
enough to put a security deposit on an apartment when they want to
leave home. As long as the kids aren't being neglected, there's not
much else you can do. I wouldn't give the kids any more gifts that
could be easily pawned or sold. I doubt that they got much more than
$35 for the TV.
My husband came from one
of those "close-knit", yet hilariously dysfunctional families.
First, these people need to know everything about every other family
member's lives, right down to whether they wear boxers or briefs.
And, for gosh sake, DO NOT get on one of their bad sides. They
also feel the need to have a family get-together on a biweekly basis.
This is not just having the immediate family over for supper; this
involves every living relative within a 100 mile radius. And,
of course, most of DH's family would jump at the chance to get a free
meal. And, forget the "pot luck" thing; the host must
prepare all of the food. Then, after the meal, comes the dish
washing thing. The men all sit outside with their coffee and
pie, while the women clean up. There are a dozen women in the
kitchen, half of whom are just standing there. But, heaven forbid
if you leave the kitchen before the clean up is complete. You
would be labeled as "the lazy one" who didn't help, even
if there was nothing for you to do in the first place. And,
plastic plates are forbidden among DH's family (typically the person
who prepared the meal doesn't have to wash the dishes). And,
at the off chance that plastic plates were used, they insist on washing
them to use next time. What's the point in using them in the
first place? And, then comes the argument about whose turn it
is to host the next gathering, at which point I hide in the bathroom.
There is NO WAY that I'm hosting one of these things. If a week
goes by that my DH's great aunt hasn't heard something about us, she'll
call every other relative, before she even thinks of calling us.
I am from a close-knit family, but for Pete's sake, this is insane!
Does anyone else have ILs like that?
Signed - Paper Plates Are
Evil
RESPONSE: Paper Plates Are Evil
Why should anyone care about being labeled "the lazy one"
by such a dysfunctional bunch of twits? I think I'd be pleased if
they didn't like me. It would mean that I was doing something right.
Still, I am glad that you can laugh about it. It shows that you have
the right attitude towards them.
RESPONSE: Paper Plates Are Evil
Why do you attend these at all? If DH insists upon attending, YOU
join the men for pie and coffee and send HIM to the kitchen to help
clean up. You do seem overly concerned with what these people think
of you. Stop. They are not worth it. Have you discussed this with
DH? This IS causing stress in your relationship, even if neither
of you see it yet.
RESPONSE: Paper Plates Are Evil
I wouldn't want to host, either. However, if you aren't willing to
share in the hosting, you must turn down their invitations (shucks,
big loss, I'm sure, hee hee). It's only fair.
RESPONSE: Paper Plates Are Evil
I think that you must be married to someone in my DH's family! Your
ILs sound just like mine. On holidays, the house is so full that
you can barely move enough to eat. Half the relatives are so distant
that when I am introduced to one, DH tells me later that he hadn't
even known that the person was a relative. I avoid the "woman's
work" in the kitchen now. It was made clear to me that I was
not accepted as soon as hubby and I started dating seriously, so I
have nothing to lose by being branded "the lazy one". When
the men go off to the garage to play cards and BS, DH just invites
me along, and I am happy to be away from the hens. Lord only knows
what they say behind by back then.
RESPONSE: Paper Plates Are Evil
My wife's family has a similar tradition. When they get together,
it usually is like a state dinner for the queen. Her mother started
this tradition with all the cr@p that goes with it. While this is
fine for Thanksgiving or Christmas, we're not going to cook a whole
bunch of expensive stuff and spend days preparing for a single meal.
Nope. When it's our turn, we pull out the BBQ pit, cook up some ribs,
chicken, sausage, and some simple side orders, and drop them down
on paper plates. I will say that we buy the thick paper plates, but
that is as close as we get to fancy. My MIL will attend, and now
she does not say anything, because she sees that nobody agrees with
her. Since this is served buffet style, she will get a "real
plate and silverware" to eat off. That's ok if it's just her.
What drives her crazy is that clean up takes about 10 minutes. For
some reason, we always get all the families here, but lots of folks
seem to have something else to do on the fancy dinner nights. MIL
sits in the formal living room after dinner, having coffee alone,
waiting for everyone to join her. But, they never do. We are usually
out in the backyard with the kids. She just can't figure out that
people like to have fun. I just can't understand why the rest of
the family tries to please her with the state dinners. MIL will try
to run the whole event by telling us what to do, but not offering
to help. Sorry, but that will not fly at my home.
RESPONSE: Paper Plates Are Evil
My wife relates!!!!!!!!! Too many gatherings! Too little time!
Every time you turn around, there is always someone inviting you to
something. My MIL has 12 siblings, so someone is always having SOMETHING!
We see them enough. This past weekend, there was a wedding (1 of
MIL's crazy sisters). We didn't try to make it. But, our phone rang
about 10 times that day. And, to top it off, no one is ever organized.
No one even knew where the wedding was. I agree with you! Welcome
to the YAYA In-Law Hood!
RESPONSE: Paper Plates Are Evil
I can kind of relate - my MIL NEVER uses paper plates or cups, and
she makes real mashed potatoes every day. I've never seen her use
instant, not one time in 8 years. And, they have to get together
every Sunday. It drives me crazy. At birthdays (and not just the
kids) they have to get a big cake, have candles, and sing like they
are 5 years old. I just think that you get a little old for that.
But, I'm like you - I'm not having everyone at my house for a dinner.
And, if they did ever come over here, they would be using paper everything,
and we would throw them away!!!
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